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Every day was always the same. Morning practice, class, afternoon practice, Oikawa coming over to do homework, Oikawa staying for dinner, Oikawa leaving, going to bed. Rinse and repeat. It was familiar, and comfortable, and a well-worn pattern. Hajime wasn’t necessarily attached to it—he wouldn’t mind switching it up every once in a while, but at the end of the day he was happy. And then Oikawa went and flipped his world upside down.
They were doing their homework in Hajime’s room, like usual. And Oikawa was just lying on Hajime’s bed, looking up at the ceiling and definitely not doing homework, like usual. What wasn’t usual was how quiet Oikawa was being. No mindless chattering to interrupt Hajime’s concentration.
“Iwa-chan I have something to tell you.”
Ah, there it was.
“What?” Hajime asked in a monotone, not wanting to be bothered with whatever weird question Oikawa had thought up this time.
“Promise you won’t hate me.”
That got his attention. Hajime looked up from his homework and right in to Oikawa’s eyes.
“Promise you won’t give me a reason to hate you,” he said slowly.
Oikawa sighed. “I’m gay,” he said, like he hadn’t just changed Hajime’s whole world.
They sat in a heavy silence for 3 hours, or maybe it was only one hour, or it could’ve been only a minute. “Oh,” Hajime finally breathed.
Oikawa stayed silent.
“But you always have a girlfriend.”
“I’m trying really hard. To be how I should be. I want so badly to be good enough. Normal. Someone that people look up to.” He sounded more desperate than Hajime had ever heard him. He could see Oikawa’s hands shaking.
“People already look up to you.”
“But they won’t when they find out,” Oikawa shifted his gaze to his hands in his lap.
“You don’t know that, idiot.”
“I do! Everyone says being gay is gross. Everyone. No one likes people like me. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. Please, just say something about it other than ‘oh’.”
“What do you want me to say?” Hajime asked.
“I don’t know. Tell me you hate me, tell me I’m gross, tell me that we can’t be friends anymore. Anything, please.” Oikawa’s voice cracked at the end and tears slowly dripped out of his eyes and down his cheeks. Hajime could tell he was holding it in as hard as he could.
“I… I don’t… I don’t know. I guess I’ve never thought about it before. We can still be friends. I won’t tell anyone.”
Oikawa looked relieved immediately, but there was still a tension in his shoulders and something Hajime couldn’t recognize in his eyes. He rubbed at his face with his too-long sleeves to clean up his tears.
“Thanks Iwa-chan. You’re the best,” he sniffed before standing up. “I think I should go home. I don’t want to miss dinner.”
“I thought you were staying here?”
“Not today. Curry night at home, you know.” He wouldn’t look Hajime in the eyes, keeping himself busy putting his notebooks in his backpack and pulling on his sweatshirt.
“… Alright,” Hajime says quietly, standing up as well.
“Thanks again, Iwa-chan. You’re the greatest. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Oikawa finally, finally looked at Hajime and flashed him the same fake, practiced smile he flashed at everyone else. It felt like a slap in the face.
“No problem. I’ll see you,” Hajime goes to hug Oikawa, like they always do (at Oikawa’s insistence of course), but Oikawa quickly ducked out of the room. He seemed to sprint right out Hajime’s house, saying a quick goodbye to Hajime’s mother before he was gone. Hajime stood still for a moment, looking at where Oikawa had been seconds before, and then he slowly went and laid on his bed.
Hajime thought about Oikawa, and he thought about what being gay meant, and he thought about everyone he’s ever known being gay. Hanamaki, Matsukawa, Kunimi, Kindaichi, all of his classmates and teammates and every stranger he’s seen on the street. Everyone he knows and ever will know. Did it bother him? Not at all, honestly. But he thought about how other people feel about being gay, and he’s scared. He’s scared for Oikawa. He thought about Oikawa out with his boyfriend, whoever it will be, and getting jumped. Maybe killed. But maybe that wouldn’t happen at all. Who would Oikawa date, anyway? No one at school is openly gay, so that means he’d have to look outside of Seijoh, outside of Hajime’s comfort zone. Outside of where Hajime could protect him.
What would his boyfriend look like? Probably athletic. Shorter than him, definitely. Probably just as effortlessly pretty, though maybe a bit more rugged than beautiful like Oikawa. He’d probably have muscles; large, noticeable ones. The kind you could see through a shirt whether he was flexing or not. Maybe he’d have a tan. And they would hold hands, and go out on dates, and hug, and kiss, and make out, and maybe even—Hajime cuts himself off. He does not need to be thinking about his best friend having sex with some random guy. Definitely not. And why would he want to, anyway? That’s weird. And it’s all hypothetical anyway. Oikawa isn’t even dating someone. Or is he? Is that why he told Hajime? So that he could introduce him to his boyfriend?
Hajime finally let himself think about what he felt immediately after Oikawa told him. Some sort of relief? But that wasn’t quite the word he was looking for. His heart had felt like it did after a long run. Refreshed, almost. Why did it feel like that? It’s not like he had a crush on Oikawa. But he immediately wanted to take that thought back. Maybe he did, like him that is. They were always together. He knew they were closer than any best friends he knew. Why did this not scare him? His heart was pounding, but it wasn’t because he was afraid. It was like after winning a big match. Happy. Excited. Shaky. Ready for what was going to come next.
He finally, finally thought about himself being gay. Could he imagine it? Guys weren’t awful to look at. But girls! They were so cute, and kind, and small. So small. But he never got much further than that in his own head. He tried picturing himself dating a girl. He saw himself walking with her after school, holding hands. She was his height and very lean. He imagined going to kiss her… but he couldn’t. It was like there was a block in his mind. He would lean in, and then nothing. She wasn’t there anymore. He sighed angrily before giving up.
Hajime flipped open his phone to check if Oikawa had texted him. Nothing. That was weird, but maybe he was having a good time with his family and didn’t have his phone on him. Yeah, that’s probably it, Hajime thought. He decided to stop thinking about whether or not he liked Oikawa. His best friend. Not only his best friend, but his childhood best friend. It was too weird. And was it creepy? Oikawa just came out to him and all he can think about is whether or not he has a crush on him. Hajime was over this, for now. He turned off the light and went to bed without eating dinner, trying hard not to think of what it would be like to kiss Oikawa and why his brain could imagine exactly what it would feel like.
Oikawa wasn’t at school the next day. Hajime was getting sick of the questions about where Oikawa was and if he was sick or if he was hurt, because he just didn’t know the answer. He hadn’t even gotten a text asking for the notes or anything. He always got a text when Oikawa wasn’t going to be at school.
A few days later and Oikawa still wasn’t back, and Hajime was feeling horrible. And guilty, though he wasn’t sure why. He was also scared. Was he scared that Hajime would have told people that he was gay? Or maybe people already did find out. How would the team react if they found out Oikawa was gay? Would they hate him? Would they make him quit? He was the best player they had, gay or not. But Oikawa did say that people thought being gay was gross. He’d never really listened to conversations about it before. Just tuned it out because it didn’t concern him. Hajime decided to ask around, and where better to start then his two best friends besides Oikawa.
During lunch Hajime found them on the roof sitting next to each other, laughing about something as per usual.
“Hey,” Hajime said as he walked up to them.
“Yo.” “Sup?” They said at the same time, lifting their heads to acknowledge they heard him.
Hajime sat down, facing them.
“What do you think of being gay?” He blurted out.
“What?” “Why?” “Are you gay?” “Oh my god, wait—” Hajime cut them off.
“No I’m not gay, jesus,” He sighed, “I was just wondering.”
Makki chewed a bite of food, looking at him suspiciously, before he said, “Well. Personally, I don’t care. I guess. I’ve never thought about it much. Maybe it’d be weird if they were in my gym class? Or on the team or something. You know, changing in front of each other all the time and all. But I guess more for him than anybody else. He’d probably feel awkward.”
Mattsun nodded in agreement.
“Yeah, I feel the same. It’s not like… I don’t think being gay is gross, is what I mean,” Mattsun added.
“Okay,” Hajime said, nodding.
“What do you think?” Mattsun asked.
“Um, probably the same. But I don’t care about the changing thing. I don’t know. Does it even matter? He’s still just a regular guy in the end.”
“Someone’s thought about this a lot,” Makki laughed, “Are you sure there isn’t something you need to tell us?”
“Whatever. You guys are so annoying. It was just a hypothetical thing.”
“If you say so,” Makki said, “But you know we are here. And we don’t care, honestly.”
“Thanks… I guess,” Hajime said before getting up.
“Good talk.” “Yes, lovely chat. Hope to see you sometime soon!” Makki and Mattsun called after him, snickering.
They are ridiculous, Hajime thought has he walked back to his classroom and sat down at his desk. He looked over to his right and saw Oikawa’s empty seat staring back at him. Hajime decided that if Oikawa was out again on Saturday that he would go over and check on him.
Luckily enough, Oikawa came back on Saturday, looking as good as he always did. All smiles and laughter and “Don’t worry, it was just a cold. I’m feeling much better.” But Hajime had a feeling it was a lie. He’d known Oikawa for too long. He had no idea what to say.
Oikawa took his seat next to Hajime but he didn’t say anything. Didn’t even look in his direction. Just sat quietly, talking to the girl in front of him. Hajime didn’t know what to say, so he didn’t say anything.
Oikawa was the same all day. And all throughout practice. After practice he bolted in and out of the club room to change before anyone had even begun to do the same.
“I gotta get home soon, my mom is worried since I’ve been sick,” he said as he took off towards home. Without Hajime.
No one seemed to think it was that weird, but Hajime had a bad feeling. He kept it to himself though, hoping that Oikawa was just sick and not avoiding him. He didn’t even have a reason to avoid Hajime, right? So it couldn’t be something he did. Maybe he did something without noticing, though. He didn’t know, so he shrugged it off and went home trying not to think about how Saturday was the night they usually slept at Oikawa’s house and played video games.
It was the same for the whole next week. Oikawa was always the first one to change before and after practice and always went home right away. Without Hajime. People on the team were starting to notice and ask Hajime about it. Did they have a fight? Hajime didn’t know what to say. As far as he knew, nothing happened. He told them that he guessed they did. And Oikawa didn’t look Hajime in the eye once, even though Hajime had caught him looking when he thought he wasn’t paying attention. It was the next Saturday, almost three weeks after Oikawa came out to him, that Hajime managed to get him alone for long enough to ask him what was up.
“Stop avoiding me. What’s wrong? Did I do something?” Hajime asked. They were alone behind the club room after practice. Everyone was changing but Hajime had gone straight to where he saw Oikawa after running out of practice as soon as he could.
“Nothing, Iwa-chan! I just have been so tired from when I was sick, is all. It was a nasty bug,” came the rosy-cheeked, fake smiled response.
“Please tell me the truth,” Hajime said softly, looking down at his feet. He heard a sniffle and his head shot up to look at Oikawa. He was crying.
“I… It’s nothing. I really have just been tired,” Oikawa said, but his voice was wavering. In his eyes, Hajime could see that Oikawa wanted him to ask again. Wanted to see if he actually cared enough to keep asking. And of course he did.
“Oikawa... Tooru. Stop lying to me. I want to help you,” Hajime said, looking him dead in the eyes. Immediately Oikawa sank to the ground and pulled his knees to his chest, crying so hard that he was shaking. Hajime had no idea what to do. Again. So he sat down next to him.
“Whatever it is, it’s okay. It’ll be okay. I’m sorry. When you’re ready to tell me I’m ready to listen,” Hajime told him, throwing his arm over Oikawa’s shoulder and rubbing his arm in what he hoped was a soothing way.
“Please go,” Oikawa pleaded, “I don’t… You don’t want to be around me.”
“Shut up, idiot. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be,” Hajime replied immediately.
Oikawa leaned in to him but his crying seemed to get worse. Hajime, of course, had no idea what to do, so he used his other arm to give Oikawa some sort of side hug. They sat like that for a while to give Oikawa some time to calm down. Slowly, his crying subsided and the only sound was his occasional hiccup, his breathing still slightly irregular.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” Hajime heard him whisper.
“But you’re upset. I don’t know what else to do,” he said honestly.
Oikawa shook his head against Hajime’s arm.
“You’re doing fine. You’re great. You’re the best friend anyone could ask for. I don’t know why girls don’t confess to you more,” Oikawa said softly. His breathing was evening out, but Hajime could still see silent tears falling out of his eyes. They were coming slowly, but it was too fast for Hajime.
“Because you’re always with me. And look at you, you know?”
“They don’t know anything about me,” Oikawa whispered back.
“But they know you’re nice. And handsome. And smart. And good at sports. That’s enough to get started with, isn’t it?”
“Aw, you think I’m handsome Iwa-chan?” Oikawa laughed quietly.
“Of course I do, stupid,” Hajime laughed. He shifted his arm to rub Oikawa’s back again. They sat like that in silence for a while. But it wasn’t as heavy as the last time. It was almost nice. Hajime eventually stopped rubbing Oikawa’s back and used his arms so that he could lean back and look at the sky. It was just starting to get dark, and it looked really nice. A good distraction. Oikawa joined him.
“Do you, maybe, want to come over for dinner or something?” Hajime asked quietly, avoiding looking over at Oikawa.
“Miss me, Iwa-chan?” he teased.
“Yes. Shut up,” Hajime tilted his head so Oikawa couldn’t see his blush.
“That’s okay. I missed you too.”
Hajime was so happy that he struck with the urge to hold Oikawa’s hand, or hug him, or even worse—kiss him. But that was embarrassing, and kind of terrifying, so instead he moved his hand over slightly so that their pinky fingers overlapped just a little. But enough. He saw Oikawa snap his head towards him out of the corner of his eye and stare at him. Hajime didn’t know what to do, so he acted like nothing was different. Oikawa went back to looking at the sky.
Eventually, they got up and made their way to Hajime’s house to eat. Afterwards they went to his room to play Mario Kart and Smash Brothers and relax like they used to. They were even joking around again. Like nothing had ever happened between them. It was around 10 when Hajime figured he should invite Oikawa to sleep over. So he did and Oikawa agreed. He called his mother for permission, which of course she gave (“I’m so glad you are spending time with Hajime-kun again!”) while Hajime got ready for bed.
Hajime came back from the bathroom to see Oikawa pulling out the spare futon, or trying to. There was a lot of struggling as Oikawa tried to grab it from the bottom of the closet.
“Oi, don’t bother. We can just share my bed. You look like you’re having a hard time over there,” Hajime laughed.
Oikawa turned around and stared at him in silence, head tilted to one side, looking confused.
“What?” Hajime asked.
“You… Like... You remember I’m gay right? Sharing a bed with me doesn’t freak you out?” He looked so vulnerable and his voice was so quiet and sad. And so, so handsome. So Hajime did what he had been fighting not to all day. He walked right up to him and kissed him on the mouth. It was short, and chaste, but it was exactly how he thought it would be. Like everything falling in to place. Like fifteen years of friendship and love all put together in to that one press of lips on lips.
“Nah,” Hajime said to a dumbfounded Oikawa as he walked back to his bed and laid down. He pushed himself against the wall so Oikawa would have room to lay down next to him.
“Iwa-chan! You can’t just. Do that! And act so calm about it? Don’t,” Oikawa said.
Hajime rolled his eyes.
“Just come over here, idiot.”
Oikawa still looked just as confused but he walked over anyway. Hajime sat up against the wall behind his bed and grabbed Oikawa’s wrist. He tugged his arm down so Oikawa was sitting on the bed with him. Slowly, Hajime pulled Oikawa’s hand so that it was resting over his heart. It was pounding so hard in his chest he thought it might burst, but the look in Oikawa’s eyes when he looked up at him was worth it.
“For real?” His eyes were shining brighter than they had in weeks.
“Yeah. I think it’s been a while coming. I only just realized. Or maybe I had a while ago and didn’t want to. Not talking for three weeks put things in perspective, you know?” Hajime was looking anywhere but at Oikawa’s face, “I really, really missed you. And I couldn’t stand thinking about you being with someone else. I’ve always been the one protecting you, and I don’t want to stop. Or have someone else do it instead. I, just, I don’t know. I’m sorry I didn’t know sooner? I’m sorry I didn’t tell you as soon as I realized. I’m sorry—“
Oikawa cut him off by kissing him. Again. And again and again and again. Hajime felt like the happiest person in the world. Like all the planets had aligned and the moon and stars were shining only for them, in this moment. When they pulled away, he noticed Oikawa was crying again.
“What the hell, Tooru? What’s wrong?”
Oikawa started to laugh.
“These are happy tears, stupid. I’ve been in love with you since we were 14 and you got your first, and only may I add, girlfriend,” because of course he couldn’t resist making fun of Hajime even while crying. He sniffed and wiped at his eyes.
“I was kind of hoping that maybe when I told you I was gay you would say something like ‘me too!’ or like ‘thank god, cause I have a crush on you’ or something.” Hajime snorted.
“Shut up! When you didn’t, I kind of freaked out. You were so quiet. I thought I ruined everything. I thought maybe you could tell how badly I wanted to kiss you.”
“Oh. Is that why you ran out? You thought I would be mad or something?”
Tooru nodded.
“Or be creeped out by me,” he added.
Hajime leaned in to kiss him again.
“I told you I wasn’t.”
Oikawa kissed him this time.
“I thought maybe you were lying.”
“I wouldn’t,” Hajime said immediately, “Not ever.”
“Okay,” Oikawa said, kissing him again.
“Okay,” Hajime replied, punctuating it with another kiss.
And it continued like that. Hajime and Oikawa sitting next to each other just enjoying being in the presence of one another. Hajime eventually found Oikawa leaning heavily on his shoulder and pressed a light kiss to the top of his head. Oikawa hummed.
“Can we…” Oikawa trailed off and sat up, maneuvering them so that they were both lying down with Oikawa’s head on Hajime’s chest. Hajime carded his hand through Oikawa’s hair absentmindedly.
“I’m really happy,” Oikawa sighed.
“Yeah,” Hajime agreed, “Same.”
“Eloquent,” Oikawa laughed. Hajime lightly shoved his shoulder and laughed along.
Silence fell over them again as they listened to each other’s breathing. Hajime could feel Oikawa’s heartbeat against his side strong and steady.
“Yo, idiot,” Hajime said.
“Mmmm” Oikawa whined.
“I gotta get up to turn off the lights. And lock the door… I assume you don’t want my parents to come see us sleeping together.”
“Lewd Iwa-chan! At least take me to dinner first!”
“Loser. You know what I mean. Plus, I feed you almost every day.”
“Alright, alright. But yeah… I don’t know. I don’t care,” Oikawa said.
Hajime thought for a moment.
“Um… Not that I’m like. Embarrassed of you. Or anything. I just don’t think I’m ready. And like. It’s not like anyone knows that I’m… Not straight.”
“Okay good, because I actually am kind of scared,” Oikawa said with a chuckle.
“Wow trying to be macho were we? Get off me for a sec,” Hajime said as he sat up. He pecked Oikawa on the cheek and then got up to lock the door and turn off the lights. When he got back in bed, he and Oikawa got back in to the same position they had been in before.
They were almost asleep when Hajime remembered something he wanted to say.
“Tooru?” He whispered.
“Yeah?” Tooru whispered back.
“You could never creep me out. Not ever.”
He felt Tooru smile in to his chest.
“Hey, remember that time you dared me to eat that huge red gummy bear and when I threw up my puke was bright red?”
“Yes but like… Why?”
“You seemed pretty creeped out then,” Tooru laughed.
“Oh shut up. I was trying to be, like, romantic or something,” Hajime mumbled.
“I know you too well for that.”
Hajime kissed the top of his head.
“Yeah, you do,” He agreed, rubbing Tooru’s back lightly. They both fell asleep shortly after, tangled together and happier than they had been in a long, long time.