Chapter Text
A recent encounter involving daleks and New Year’s Eve had made the Doctor realize a couple of things.
The first was that she was in love with Yasmin Khan.
This really wasn’t new information to her, she had known for quite a while now. How could I not? she had always thought. Yaz had amazed the Doctor early on into their friendship. Her kindness and bravery had shown themselves first but as time went on the Doctor noticed more. She was incredibly thoughtful and she never backed down from a challenge.
But now she knew Yaz liked her back.
Just the thought of it sent the Doctor’s mind tumbling. She had hoped, sometimes catching the younger woman staring back at her, but she never let herself linger too long on the feeling. A dangerous nest of daydreams was at the end of that train of thought and the Doctor never let herself park at that station, knowing it would hurt too much not to have.
She knew she couldn’t– they couldn’t. Her life was too dangerous, too unsure, to have Yaz stay in it. The realization of love came with the overwhelming truth of what it really meant. Every single person she’s ever loved had been ripped away from her by the cruel hands of fate. It would kill her to let Yaz go, but Yaz dying would destroy her like nothing else before. And the thought of that terrified her.
The second was that she doesn’t like dying very much.
She had already done it quite a few times (that she remembers at least) but this felt much worse. At least the other times she could feel the buzz of regeneration under the surface, but this time, it was nonexistent. She only went right back to her spot outside the TARDIS, expected to go again. Much more than hating that, she abhorred watching Yaz die.
Every loop, it got worse. Having to watch her die over and over, it was torture. And she knew she couldn’t linger on the thought, because it would take over every free space in her head when there was no time for that in the endless cycle. So she had to push it down and hide it far away, but now that it was over, it was hard for that thought to leave her head. During that first loop, when she hadn’t known they would survive, the first thing that flew through her was regret– and she wanted to fix those regrets before it was too late.
The third was that she was tired of running.
She ran for a lot of things quite often; it was something she was best at. Normally it was towards danger or away from whatever was trying to kill them that day– the Doctor loved that type of running and had no intention of changing it, thank you very much.
The type of running she was tired of was running from herself. She ran from her emotions; burying them deep in the sand and hoping they never see the light of day again. But recently being around Yaz was like an ocean during a storm. Strong waves continually battered down on the beach, pulling the sand out and pushing it far downshore. Her emotions kept getting pulled to the surface no matter what she did and at this point she was tired of pushing them back down.
She really had wanted to tell Yaz everything, she still did, but she felt suffocated under the weight of it all. Plus she was a coward. Whenever she told herself she would talk to Yaz, without fail, she would bail at the last second, her brains concocting yet another excuse to why she shouldn’t tell her. Yaz asked to know– asked to help– multiple times at this point, but the Doctor could never get the words out. She wanted to be better, do better for Yaz.
Yaz dying put some things into perspective for her, but the largest realization was that it was going to hurt to lose Yaz. Maybe more than anything else in her life. But she knew her time, and their time together, was running out. She needed to make the most of it while she still could– make new memories for the both of them. Give herself something to look back to and smile on while her world fell apart without Yaz by her side.
She knew what she wanted, now she just had to do it. That would be easy, right?
-
Yaz was curled up in her favorite library on board the TARDIS. It was one of the cozier ones, plush purple couches framed a large stone fireplace, the wooden bookshelves numerous in the background. The room smelled of fire and old books and tea. It felt like a chilly autumn day turned into a room.
They had taken some time to relax after the incident with the daleks on New Year’s Eve. None of them wanted to voice it but it was clear that they had all left the storage center a bit shaken. Dan had asked to be taken home to try and work things out with Di. He departed with a wink and a Don’t worry, Sheffield, things will turn out .
Yaz would consider Dan one of her closest friends– one of her best mates even. They had bonded during their years in the past and came back to their time with a family like nature, always teasing each other but only in good nature. Even though he had quite a few years on her, she felt protective of him. It started out right after they had been pushed through time by those angels. He was a complete stranger to it all and Yaz couldn’t help but be sorry for him. He never asked for that kind of adventure. Yaz knew the risks when she started traveling with the Doctor, Dan just happened to have a loyal canine.
Quickly, she had taken the lead, showing Dan and Jericho how to adapt to time travel. She worried for the both of them, which as their friendship grew, developed into the protectiveness that was present today. She wondered then if that’s how the Doctor felt with her companions.
As protective of Dan as she felt, at the moment she was glad for his absence from the TARDIS, she feared she might strangle him if he was there.
After her confession in that basement she felt like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders; it felt good to tell someone after grappling with that realization for so long. But that weight had been replaced by a strange air that threatened to choke the room whenever she and the Doctor were together.
Dan had sworn that he hadn’t meddled, that he didn’t say anything, but Yaz really didn’t believe him.
There was this awkwardness that lingered since New Years, making itself known whenever she and the Doctor were together. When they caught each other in the kitchen by accident or when they brushed past each other in the halls it felt like all words in the English language left her brain. Like the TARDIS’ translation circuit backfired or she’d suddenly regressed to a primary school level of speech. The pair would stumble around each other, mumbling half conversations until one made an excuse to leave. It was exhausting and she was tired of it but she had no idea how to actually fix it.
While the Doctor is socially awkward, they had become pretty comfortable around each other during their years traveling. Now it seemed like the events of the Flux and then Manchester had put a small strain on things. Thinking about their time apart still managed to make Yaz’s head slightly spin; how years for her just ended up being just a really long day for the Doctor.
She had come back from the past fundamentally changed, having plenty of free time to think while traveling the long way. Late nights spent in ship cabins watching the hologram on repeat made Yaz realize that maybe her best mate meant a little more to her than that. And that thought terrified her. Now, thanks to Dan, she actually had to confront that fear.
She had to find a way to get rid of her crush. She loved traveling with the Doctor– more than anything else she had in this life. She believed a quick and surefire way to ruin it all was to actually admit her feelings to her friend.
Yaz didn’t know how the Doctor could ever return what she felt for her. Because it felt like the whole universe was right outside those blue doors, waiting for the Doctor, and she was just… Yaz. A small insignificant human from Earth who happened to be on a train right after that madwoman had fallen from the sky.
And now (she was pretty sure at least) the Doctor knew about her feelings. The thought of that alone made her want to fling herself into the time vortex. She once again silently cursed Dan.
Yaz stared at the book open in her lap, her busy thoughts making it impossible to concentrate on any words. She's sure this is the fifth or sixth time she had tried to read the page with no progress being made. With a heavy sigh, she was about to give up on the book when the Doctor bounded into the room, her hands clasped behind her back.
Holding her page to mark it, she looked up at the blonde, wondering if she was already restless from boredom. After the pair had dropped Dan off, they piloted the ship into the time vortex. The Doctor had run off into the bowels of the ship rather quickly, mumbling something about long overdue repairs. Even after the reset they had done, the harm the flux inflicted was still evident throughout the timeship.
Before she got to work, she told Yaz to try and get some rest– that had been a couple days ago, or whatever passed for a day on board the TARDIS.
The Time Lord came to stand in front of Yaz; with visible excitement she rolled on the balls of her feet. Yaz smiled at her friend and closed her book, lifting an eyebrow to silently compel the Doctor to tell her what was causing her mood.
“Yaz, I think we need a trip.” she said like it was a great revelation, like she just found the cure to the common cold.
With a raised brow, Yaz responded, “Isn’t that what we always do?”
Gracelessly, the Doctor plopped down on the couch next to her. “I mean like a proper trip.” she elaborated, “like a holiday.”
Yaz was properly confused now. “Doctor, I've been traveling with you for years now. What do you mean ‘proper trip’?”
“Like a road trip!” she grinned, “Just you and me and the open road. No TARDIS, no danger. Just time to relax. Think we deserve it, especially after all those exterminations.” She wrinkled her nose at the thought.
Yaz was intrigued. The promise of uninterrupted time between the two of them almost sounded too good to be true. And it did sound relaxing, even if there was this weird air between the two of them. Surely it would go away when they spent some more time together. Plus she could spend some time trying to get over this thing that was definitely just a crush and not anything more.
“What did you have in mind?”
-
Later, Yaz walked in the console room, vintage suitcase in hand.
She wore cropped cigarette pants that had a tight plaid pattern of various browns. Tucked into the waistband she had a cream colored satin button up shirt; the collar was tall and the sleeves were rolled up, baring her forearms to the world. Brown flats and a thick brown belt tied the look together. She braided her hair and pinned it into a simple bun, adding a loosely tied silk chiffon travel scarf around her head.
Putting her suitcase down she made her way over to the console. On her way she noticed a worn brown leather duffle bag by the door.
The Doctor stood at the controls. Quickly she pressed buttons and entered inputs, programming their destination.
“It’s going to be great, Yaz! Route 66 at it’s height– 1950s America. We’ll see roadside attractions and get milkshakes at diners and stay in classic motels. And we’ll get ourselves a nice classic car. Well, I guess it won’t be classic in 1950, it’ll just be modern but you know what I mean.” the Doctor said as she ran around to the other side of the console. She poked her head around the time rotor to look at Yaz before continuing. “It’s the height of tourism on the route so there will be plenty to do and plenty to see. Plus it’s the perfect time of year to go! Early autumn, it’s still warm in the first few states but it’s not unbearably hot in the desert.”
Her dance continued, more switches being flipped.
“I have the TARDIS set to pick us up at the end of the road in two weeks. We’re starting at the traditional start point in Chicago and ending in California– So the TARDIS will be on the Santa Monica Pier waiting for us when we get there.”
She leaned down to check the spatial-temporal location, tucking blonde hair behind her ear as she looked in the viewfinder.
“Now, once we rematerialize we have to run out the doors before she moves again. I have her set to jump on a timer so make sure you have everything cause we’re not going to see her again until California!”
She popped up and jumped over to the dematerialization lever. Grinning, she looked at Yaz.
“Together?” she asked.
Yaz took the final steps towards the lever, cursing her knees for weakening at the blonde’s smile. She raised her hand and placed it on top of the Doctor’s.
“Together.” She confirmed.
As soon as the lever was pulled, the Doctor jumped up and ran towards the door, dragging Yaz along with her. The ship shook around them, her flight a little more violent than normal. Yaz’s grip on her suitcase was forced to tighten so she wouldn’t drop it. With her free hand the Doctor swooped up her own duffle bag and swung it on her shoulder.
The shaking and vworp s stopped as soon as they reached the entryway, the ship properly rematerialized. With continued momentum, they burst through the doors, running outside.
White blinded Yaz.
She closed her eyes to protect them as her grip on the Doctor’s hand tightened.
The frigid temperature was a shock to her system, an even harsher wind howled around them, almost drowning out the noise of the timeship disappearing behind them.
She opened her eyes to a blizzard and the Chicago skyline, standing proud with modern glass skyscrapers.