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“Did you hear that about Tendou-senpai and Goshiki-kun?”, one of Kawanishi's classmates whispers behind his hand, the other one snickering because he certainly had, but before the third one can find out about it and understand the joke, Taichi stands behind them, his presence putting a stop to their conversation.
“No, but I'm curious what you guys who aren't part of any club have to say about my teammates.”
They often forget how serious he can be and so his interruption catches them off guard (they don't even get the insult, that their club is so unimportant that it is almost non-existent). It's not like he seems very threatening, speaks even calm and clear, almost nonchalant. The other ones remain silent nevertheless, as if they are scared that Tachi would tell his teammate – the wrath of a third year is certainly something they aren't eager to experience.
“It's nothing”, the one who laughed mumbles, saved by their teacher entering the classroom.
It's a cue to forget about it, but Kawanishi isn't someone who just drops a topic when people tell him to do this and so it's when he is sitting together with Shirabu during lunch, like usual these past days, that Taichi brings it up. They were rather silent since their last official match with the third years is over and Shirabu never allowed himself to tell him about his thoughts, after their loss at nationals.
“Today someone was talking about Goshiki and Tendou-san. Do you think it will affect him in the next year, whatever happened to them?”
Shirabu looks at him for a moment, wondering, before he shakes his head.
“No. He has to deal with it. They are graduating after all, it's nothing to waste his thoughts on”, Shirabu says, but he isn't looking at his friend, picking at his food and acting weirdly absent; it takes Taichi a moment to understand what he might be thinking of.
“So, Goshiki shouldn't talk to Tendou? Clear things up?”
Shirabu doesn't seem to get behind Kawanishi's expression, but even if he had he might have said the same.
“Would it change anything? He is two years younger, there is no need to think what could be and not. Graduation is around the corner if we want it or not.”
“Are we still talking about them or...?”, he trails off and it seems that Shirabu finally understands, looking directly at his friend and furrowing his brow.
“You really are terrible with your gossiping. Why am I even spending my time with you?”
It's the only victory Shirabu allows Kawanishi because there is no way that he admits it out loud. It's worse enough to think about it – he never really told Ushijima how he feels and now he is graduating.
To say that he regrets to have kept his thoughts to himself would be a lie and yet, somewhere in the back of his mind, Shirabu had the nagging feeling that it could have been different, good or bad he doesn't know, and maybe this is the reason why Tendou's words had affected him more than they normally did.
“You know, how about confessing during graduation? You could give Ushijima your second button. Ah, but I guess you're so proper, giving it away doesn't suit you”, Tendou had teased him, and even though Semi had said that he shouldn't keep thinking about it if he doesn't intend to act on it, it keeps his mind busy.
And Kawanishi knows that, so he does what he is always doing in this kind of situation as long as Shirabu is around – joking.
“Because I need a tiny person to stress how tall I am and you're a masochist.”
He isn't really wrong and so it turns out that Shirabu does confess, not in a dramatical way during graduation behind trees but a few days beforehand after practise in the changing room, familiar territory.
“I'm happy that I could be your setter. It's the reason why I chose the school in the first place”, he tells Ushijima after asking him to stay behind.
“I see. You never told me.”
How should I when my admiration had been so obvious, he wants to say, but instead he goes on with “also I came to realise that I really like you. As more than a captain or friend. I know that you will be in Tokyo and that you don't look at me that way, but I had to tell you. Thank you for listening.”
He bows and goes, leaving a confused Ushijima behind without waiting for a response.
*
That Shirabu visits him that day is the first sign for Semi that something is up.
The younger one rarely comes over, prefers to meet at his own place and even though he doesn't admit it, Semi knows it's because he feels rather uncomfortable in the house of Semi's parents, not because it shows the difference in social status between them but the feeling of loneliness its size causes.
The second sign is the moment in which he sits next to Semi on the bed, after all it's also not often that Shirabu is the one who starts the close contact between them – scratch that, actually he never does it.
“Reon wrote me. Said you confessed”, Semi eventually says, not used to this kind of silence between them, sitting shoulder to shoulder without doing anything.
Shirabu laughs, a bitter sound causing Semi to flinch. Of course Ushijima would ask Reon because he doesn't understand or knows how to deal with it and while Shirabu appreciates that he fills in his soulmate so that he doesn't have to tell Semi, he isn't too happy about him knowing it yet.
“Want to talk about it or sulk?”
Curling up next to him seems answer enough, resting his head in Semi's lap and yet the older one can't help it, fingers brushing back and down Shirabu's back, palm resting on the place his tattoo is, the same he has.
“He always had volleyball on his mind. Don't be mad.”
“I know. And I am not mad.”
Liar. He knows how Shirabu is, dishonest with himself when it comes to anything which could stop him in his determination to follow his path, reaching his goal he tries so hard to reach.
“Want me to scold Satori?”, Semi asks instead of pointing out the lie, because he thinks that a bit of talking does keep Shirabu distracted, even though it costs him quite an effort.
The younger one assumes it isn't a surprise that Semi is aware of him acting on Tendous teasing, after all he probably knows Tendou better than any of them did, though he tells him not to, it was his own decision after all, he expected this outcome.
“Want to stay like this in silence then?”
“Yes please.”
Shirabu feels better, having told his soulmate about it, like a secret lifting off his chest; he feels like he can finally move on now.
*
It's quieter without the third years around. Shirabu thought it would be better once they were gone, that he'd be able to focus like he always had been able to. He's wrong and yet he tries to mask it, how tired he feels as the new captain with all the responsibilities and the urge to lie down present; keeping school and volleyball balanced gets harder and harder and the new school year hasn't even started yet.
Nothing goes past Kawanishi though, but he is kind enough not to mention it, even though he never takes his eyes off of him during practise, watching his back – or at least Shirabu thought so.
He feels betrayed when Tendou is standing nearby after practise and he is the last one he could be waiting for; he should have suspected this by the way Kawanishi shooed the other's out of the changing room with more bad jokes than usual. The former teammate greets him with a grin and an arm around his shoulder but Shirabu isn't fooled when he says that they should walk a bit together.
“I am sorry”, is the first thing Tendou says when they are alone and he drops his playful act in front of him; he doesn't need to tell Shirabu for what, it's obvious and yet upsetting.
“Why are you apologising, there is no need to, it was my decision to tell him. Besides, if you think that I allow this to affect my play, you're wrong.”
He almost raised his voice but can control himself in the right moment
“Let me apologise nevertheless. I kind of feel bad, that's why.”
“No, you feel bad about something else and you think you can repay it by apologising to me”, he shoots back and only when he sees the other one flinch does he realise that he hit the nail on the head.
“As sharp as ever...”, Tendou laughs, but under Shirabu's stern look he eventually spills what he didn't intend to.
“I don't know what to do... I mean... Goshiki still has two years and I can't stop thinking about him.”
“About him or sleeping with him?”, Shirabu asks with a raised eyebrow, amusement hidden behind this, maybe even relief because they don't talk about him and his feelings any more
“Man, you guys really are soulmates, Semi said the same and I kind of feel hurt now.”
“Good.”
“You're really mean. Shirabu with a broken heart is nothing to joke about I guess. You should show some respect because we are still older than you”, he says with false hurt, palm resting against his chest, covering his heart and the back of the other one against his forehead, accompanied by a fake sigh.
“Is this all?”
As happy as Shirabu is about them talking about it, he is glad that this is over because he has no idea how to deal with something like this or how to comfort someone who struggles with his feelings; even when Semi had had his doubts, all he was able to do was lending him his shoulder to lean against.
Tendou shakes his head and suddenly the playfulness is gone again.
“Pay a bit more attention to your surrounding.”
Shirabu wants to tell him that he does, that this is something he is pretty good at, however Tendou sees this differently and lightly punches him before he can say this.
“No, you don't. Well, anyway, good luck keeping the team together, captain.”
(Tendou laughs when he sees the other ones expression, caused by how wrong it sounds being called captain by him – at least one thing will never change.)
“Satori said he talked to Shirabu. Don't you think that you should as well?”, Reon asks him during their studying session at Ushijima's house.
Even though both of them have a scholar ship, they still have to do well at university and so Ushijima doesn't hesitate to accept Reon's invitation, maybe even for other reasons which they don't need to mention.
“Why?”
He seems rather confused, but Reon is used to it, doesn't seem annoyed, just explains plain and simple: “He confessed to you.”
Ushijima looks up from his book, furrowing his brow because the explanation didn't make much sense to him, after all it looked like Shirabu didn't want to see nor talk to him, so he didn't; he tells Reaon as much, eliciting the other one a laugh.
“Okay, I guess it will only hurt. I suppose until it doesn't any more, he will help him to pick up the pieces.”
Ushijima nods, a small smile on his lips.
“Eita is his soulmate after all.”
“No, not him. Never mind. Look, Wakatoshi, there is a mistake...”, Reon smiles, bending over and pointing at the equation he tried to solve, leaning against him a bit closer than it was necessary.
Being the captain now that graduation is over and he is in his third year, feels different. He is no Ushijima and this is obvious, so Shirabu doesn't even attempt to fill his shoes. There might be a few players better suited, or at lest a few first years like to remind him of that, not directly but with the way they search for help in other third or even second years. Shirabu doesn't really mind. As long as they would practise hard enough, they deserved a place on the team, being the strongest, that's how it went. And if they think of slacking off, they would be reminded by their coach. It was as easy as that.
“Shirabu, here.”
He looks up, raising an eyebrow when Kawanishi leans down and takes a selfie of them.
“You're really not good at these kind of things”, he mumbles, almost disappointed.
“What is there to be good about?”, he wants to know when Taichi sits down next to him, leaning against his shoulder to take another one.
“Make a face. Be silly”, Kawanishi shrugs, like this is the most obvious thing.
“You're weird”, Shirabu says, but there is a fond smile on his face and Taichi sees this as a success and puts his phone away.
“Not as weird as you.”
*
Shirabu doesn't know when he started to be around them, but neither felt the need to push Goshiki away. Maybe it's pity. He wants to be the new grand ace and while he isn't that far away, there is still a long way to go. There are other promising first years, but instead of fearing to lose his position, he feels challenged and tries his best – he is the ace after all.
Even though he tries so hard, he grew fond of the boy and the same counts for Kawanishi. So it's hard to pretend that these moment in which he looks down don't exist, how he looks too serious for a second year with a bright volleyball career. Shirabu doesn't know what he is supposed to do in these moments so he is glad that Kawanishi is there, doing stupid things which make Goshiki laugh (even in these moments in which he doesn't get the joke but laughs either way because Taichi is a third year and he has deep respect for all of them).
Sometimes Shirabu catches himself thinking about Tendou, wondering about telling Goshiki about his conflicted feelings. But he had no idea what really happened between them so he doesn't. Unwillingly his thoughts wander to Ushijima then and if he listens to Goshiki rambling to avoid it, he tries to ignore how cowardly it makes him feel.
*
“Like what you see?”, is the first thing Shirabu hears and he immediately knows this teasing tone, unless the “It's not bad”.
When he turns, he sees Semi with another young man, probably Sugawara, as far as he can remember; Semi had told him about it a few days ago, that he was dating this cute former setter from Karasuno.
“I'm sorry that I couldn't get Wakatoshi to come”, he says and this is Shirabu's cue to go, but it doesn't seem to matter to Semi as he spots him and smiles; Shirabu just raises an eyebrow, like he can't believe that they would show up.
“Shirabu stop glaring. And where is Tendou?” Semi wants top know, ruffling his hair, much to his annoyance while Suga chuckles
“Tendou-san is coming?”
Goshiki is all ears and Shirabu wonders whether it is a hopeful look or worried one; he hasn't figured it out yet, their relationship, but is too proud to ask (it's too late to say that he isn't interested or worse, worried).
When he turns to Sugawara, Shirabu realises that he had been staring at him and he almost challenges him to start talking before he remembers that this is his soulmate's boyfriend and he should behave.
“He planned to. Well, can't help it I guess. Koushi let's join them a bit.”
Semi doesn't say anything more, even though he really wants to, that much is obvious, but it's not his place to interfere, they had to be patient with them.
It's different to play with the two college players and yet kind of refreshing, and when Taichi remarks this, Sugawara laughs a bit, telling them that this is what Oikawa used to call him. They kind of enjoy themselves and it's only when the first people start to clean up that they stop as well.
Suga assists, helps some first years who are kind of confused by someone older helping them but don't refuse, gladly accept it
“I think we need to talk, Kenjirou”, Semi says when Suga is busy making conversation and the fact that he uses his first name makes Shirabu halt; he almost feels like he has to vomit.
“About what?”
“You and Wakatoshi. Also Tsutomu.”
He suspected this, that it would come up again, still, he isn't ready – nothing really could prepare him for that.
“Why? Goshiki's performance doesn't suffer. It's their decision”, he says so that he can't even talk about him and he doesn't need to go on so that Semi knows how much he is aware of.
“You never change, do you? Listen: To think that any play on the field isn't affected by something outside is a thinking which doesn't work for any one. Especially Tsutomu. You're the new captain, so talk to him!”
He never raised his voice. That's how it worked out for them so far. They listened to each other, silent comfort, but never accusing. Not when Semi was replaced by him during an important match nor when the time Semi played decreased. Shirabu doesn't really know how to deal with this.
“Is it that bad with Tendou?”
Semi clicks his tongue, arms crossed in front of his chest.
“Don't change the topic. All I ask you to do is talk with him, okay? You always set your mind on something, maybe it's time to look past the things only you are interested in.”
“Fine”, he says, grumbles, but only because Semi is ruffling his hair again.
“Thank you.”
Maybe it's not so bad, Shirabu thinks, when he sees the other one's smile and how relieved he seems and he wonders how soft he had become and whose fault that was. With a sigh, he says good-bye to him and Sugawara who is back, still with this smile and Shirabu can't help thinking that they look really happy with each other.
Now that he still has the courage, Shirabu doesn't wait for the next day and catches Goshiki right after changing; it a good thing that he doesn't hurry up and takes his time since he doesn't have to catch up with Tendou or other teammates.
“Goshiki, we need to talk about something.”
“Kawanishi-san really likes you”, he replies before Shirabu can even say anything and when he wants to know what this has to do with anything else, Goshiki tries his best not to sound bratty.
“Don't tell me to talk things out if you can't do it.”
It's the first time that Goshiki acts like this, not showing any respect, but all Shirabu could think of was how everyone was telling him what to do.
“You are going to talk to him. I don't care what you think you have to do and what not. I am the captain and I swear that I'll make this year the worst you will ever have if you say something like that again.”
It's not like him to threaten his teammate like this, but it seems effective – not that he really cares about it in this moment, just wants to get away – so he leaves a stunned Goshiki behind to search for his friend who is waiting for him at the gates.
“Taichi can we talk?”
“Sure? Did something happen?”
He doesn't look worried, even though Shirabu expected to because he himself feels like he can't breath and he wonders how long he can ignore how anxious he actually feels.
“Do you like me?”
Taichi is silent for a second, raising his eyebrow as if Shirabu is someone unfamiliar, though his expression turns into a “it is pretty obvious” one.
“I'm an idiot”, Shirabu states, releasing a deep breath.
“Yes, you are.”
It doesn't surprise him that Taichi agrees so he doesn't complain either, after all he stated it in the first place.
“Is there something else you want to say?”
Still, he is confused by how calm his friend acts, like he expected him to be so slow, step by step realising how much he actually likes him.
“You're free this weekend?”, Shirabu asks before he can regret anything and it's the first time that he catches Taichi off-guard with something and it feels like a small victory, especially when he nods.
“Good. Do me a favour. Since you're in contact with Tendou-san, invite him as well.”
“And you are going to invite Goshiki, hm? And suddenly we have an appointment?”
Taichi almost sounds proud, as if he managed to make Shirabu plan something he never would have thought of before.
“No. I want to see this film. Goshiki talked about this the last week.”
Taichi laughs.
“I see.”
Shirabu still doesn't really know what to think of all of these things. He never felt any regret, did his best from the go. He wonders how the future will be. Taichi is in love with him and he does like him as well, but he can't really bring himself to confess yet. He doesn't know why though. Not until he receives a message from Ushijima.
They need to talk about this.
They are meeting at a small café and it feels weird because this is a place Shirabu imagined to bring his date to. However it's nothing like that. But it's also not about apologies, about not realising their feelings nor about leading on. This is not even up for discussion. Ushijima doesn't point out how important it is for Shirabu to have made this decision on his own, that it's not Tendou's fault or anyone else's. Instead he starts with something Shirabu wouldn't have expected in a million years.
“I'm dating Reon”, Ushijima eventually say after a moment a silence, the greeting the only spoken words between each other.
It takes him a second to understand this statement, what it means and why Shirabu should know this and when he gets it, all he can utter is a “Really?”
Ushijima nods.
“I wasn't aware that it wasn't obvious. That's why your confession came as a surprise.”
Shirabu can't help it. He laughs. Loud and clear, until there are tears in his eyes and he clutches his stomach. This is so ridiculous.
“Shirabu?”
Ushijima is more worried than confused, almost reaching over to rest his hand on the other one's shoulder, but before he can lift his hand, Shirabu releases a breath and looks at him.
“Thank you. For everything.”
Ushijima tilts his head a bit to the side, regarding him with curiosity and yet even though he doesn't seem to get it, the conclusion that Shirabu seems okay is all what matters.
“I see. I have to thank you as well. For being my setter during my last two years at Shiratorizawa.”
This is enough for Shirabu, the honest admittance without any pity, to spill what he had already though about but not dared to speak out loud.
“Then I made up my mind.”
“So?”
“I try my best to be your setter in college as well. Your spikes are still my favourite.”
“I see. Tendou always said he preferred Semi tossing. I never really thought about it. You are both good setter.”
There is a smile tugging at his lips and it makes Shirabu happy, to realise that he doesn't refuse him. He doesn't know if he is pushing his luck but he feels better and so he can't help it.
“It's the first time I hear you say that.”
“Is it? I'm sorry then. I always appreciated you.”
There is so much honesty in his reply that Shirabu can't believe how he missed it before.
“I know that now. Thank you.”
Tendou yawns. It's pretty late and the evening air is colder than he thought it would be. Not to mention his aching body after practise yesterday. His new team at university is rather tiring but it's nothing he isn't used to, even though there is nobody who really appreciates his jokes apart from that Hanamaki guy who attended Seijou and why they don't get along yet doesn't need explaining – well, maybe this will change one day.
“Taichi, you guys are late”, he tells the younger one when he approaches him, but instead of saying anything, Kawanishi drags him inside, says that the other's are already there.
Tendou doesn't get why Taichi won't let go of him until they have some drinks as well as snacks and he pushes him into a seat, sitting down to his right. Because when he turns to his left with the intention to greet Shirabu, his “took you long” stays stuck in throat when he sees Goshiki, dropping his grin as well.
“Ah, you left me standing outside. You could have said something”, he tells them after clearing his throat, tries his best to sound normal and almost misses how Goshiki jolts and Shirabu's hand is around his shoulder so that he doesn't flee.
“Just enjoy the film”, Taichi says and there had never been a moment in which he wanted to go home as much as he does in this one; he doesn't think that he can enjoy the film with the young one present who is tense but eventually it is rather captivating.
He really feels like scolding them for setting them up though.
“I don't care what you guys had or didn't have, but you should talk about it”, Shirabu says when they are outside, doesn't look at them as if he can't believe that he is really doing that.
“Shirabu-san, I – ”, Goshiki wants to say, but the new captain is already done with helping them and reaches for Kawanishi's hand.
“Good night, Tsutomu, Tendou-san.”
Taichi nods but does nothing else, allows Shirabu to pull him along and so these two are left behind. It's awkward and Goshiki doesn't know what to say except inviting Tendou over.
“Aren't your parents and siblings home? My house is close by and nobody is home... I mean if you rather want to have someone nearby, I –”
“No, it's fine”, the younger one interrupts before Tendou withdraws his offer, partly happy that he doesn't have to explain anything to his parents or act as if everything is alright while his siblings would latch onto Tendou; the walk to the older one's house is spend in silence.
*
Goshiki is sitting on the bed while he is waiting for Tendou to return from the kitchen with something to drink. He doesn't really know what to expect from their hopefully upcoming conversation and to be honest ever since he confessed to Tendou that he really liked him and the other one hadn't replied until he said that he didn't know how he felt, Goshiki expected the worst. There was never a rejection but waiting was worse.
“Sorry, we had no juice any more so I made us some tea”, Tendou says when he comes back, putting the tray on his desk before he sits down next to the other one; there is so much both of them have to say that they have no idea where to start.
“Give me your hand!”, Goshiki eventually demands and Tendou who is unusual silent, listens, allows the other one to take it.
Goshiki's thumb brushes against the skull tattoo gracing his pointing finger which is hidden behind bandages so often, a small mark Tendou always complained about, after all it was not as amazing as the other bigger one's, even thought it was a pretty cool design.
“When I showed mine, you were the only one who didn't hold back his laughter”, he mumbles, remembers the day when he pulled the shirt over his head and another first year pointed out the curled up rat below his neck, how he put his hands on his hips and with confidence declares that this is a pretty cool tattoo for the future ace, “Don't you think so, too?”
“You were so eager. Asking for praise”, Tendou murmurs, remembering the day with a fond smile.
Goshiki's hand is warm and he doesn't want him to let go. Apparently neither does he because he still holds on his hand when he continues talking
“But you did praise me. Always do.”
“You're cute when you are like this.”
He blushes and Tendou can't help the grin, gently shaking off his hand and cupping his face, tilting his head so that he can look Goshiki in the eyes and see his expression.
“This is what I meant.”
Goshiki pouts, his lips pressed together and it's so cute that Tendou wants to kiss him. And so he does. It's the first time that the younger one is rather timid, not sure what to do, but when Tendou's hands guide his to his hips, he seems to get confident.
Their problems aren't really solved by this, but at least he is sure that they are on a good way
“Something wrong?”, Reon wants to know when he feels Ushijima's fingers trailing along the dogwood tattoo on the right side of his back, the branch with pinkish blossoms, so familiar to him that imagine never seeing it just feels wrong; Reon still likes the thought that both of them share a flower tattoo, even though it's not the same.
“No.”
“I see.”
Reon smiles, assumes it's just a sudden whim Ushijima has, considering that the hand doesn't reach past the blanket he has wrapped around his hips. It's peaceful in this apartment they are sharing, so under the touch of his boyfriend he falls asleep again.
“So, no kiss on the first date”, Kawanishi concludes when they are staying over at his place and Shirabu looks rather thoughtful.
After dinner and parting with the other two Taichi had started talking about the usual things, avoiding anything implying confessions or dating. He was rather patient with Shirabu who had no idea why he put up with him but now that the day was almost over, he couldn't leave it unspoken.
Instead of replying with words, Shirabu pulls his shirt over his head.
“You...”
“Semi is the only one who saw it up close”, he says, as if Taichi didn't know about this before.
Taichi watches it with curiosity, the colours forming this beautiful image, the feather of such a majestic animal gracing his skin. His own is black, a lizard who he argued about with his brother because it was certainly a gecko and not a salamander.
“You kind of get my hopes up, you know?”, Taichi says, trying his best not to reach out and touch the peacock feather because as non-existent as their boundaries sometimes were, this is something different.
“You never said anything. Why?”, Shirabu returns the question, putting his shirt back on; the room is too cold to stay half-naked.
“Remember what Tendou-senpai said? I won't fight uncertain battles. And with you figuring out how to deal with your feelings for Ushijima, there was no room. Besides, it could have influenced your choice and I don't need your pity.”
“It's... I never realised how much you mean to me before”, Shirabu admits after taking a deep breath and as soon as he looks at Taichi, he sees how he fights for his composure.
“So you made up your mind?”
“Yeah. I like you. Will you go out with me?”
Shirabu smiles despite of the anxiousness he feels and he doesn't really want to know how weird it must look, out of place, but when he sees the smile on Taichi's lips, he forgets about everything else.
“Yes. So I guess two more dates until I can kiss you?”
Shirabu shakes his head, but he laughs and when he steps closer, Taichi can't help a grin on his own which is soon covered by Shirabu's lips.