Archive of Our Own

She’s tired by the time she gets home. Tired in her bones. Talking with Trudy had helped and she thinks she knows what she wants to do now. What she might want her future to look like.

It’s far from the future she’d once pictured. A future talked about in whispered conversations late into the night interspersed with I love yous and lingering kisses.

Their someday didn’t happen but she feels like this job might be a good opportunity for her. She needs different if she’s going to carve out a life for herself that still feels like her own. She can’t keep living in the remnants of the one they’d built together. It hurts too much.

She steps out the elevator as Douglas from the apartment opposite nods at her as he gets on. ‘It’s good to have him back,’ he says to her with a smile, and it isn’t until the doors close behind her neighbour that she registers what he’s just said.

Her blood rushes to her head and as she turns to her right, she sees him.

She sees him and it’s heartbreaking. His back is to her but he turns at the sound of the gasp that leaves her.

He’s here. He’s standing outside their door. Her door. She’s not sure anymore.

‘Hi.’

This moment has played out before her a hundred different ways in her mind but she’s not sure any of them had her not being able to utter a word.

‘Hailey.’

She feels her emotions rise and forces them down moving towards her door. Whatever this is, she’s not having it play out in the hallway.

She takes her keys from her pocket and moves past him. Wonders why he hasn’t used his own but she knows why. She’d mailed the reason to him a month ago.

Her hands are shaking as she turns the key in the lock.

She still says nothing to him but she leaves the door open behind her and she hears him follow her inside pressing the door closed quietly behind him.

What does she do? How do they even begin to have this conversation? It’s not one she thought they would have.

‘Hailey,’ he says again and she turns to him and shakes her head holding back the tears. ‘Please say something.’

‘It’s not on me to say anything here, Jay.’

And as is turns out, those are the first words she says to him after eighteen months. Ones she’d never imagined either.

‘I want to talk to you,’ he says and the ragged breath that leaves him draws her gaze back to him. He looks like she feels and she’s not sure what to do with that.

He’s tan. She can tell his freckles have come out despite being a good twelve foot away from him. There’s a cut down the side of his neck that wasn’t there before. His beard is a little more grown in.

But he’s still Jay and being this near him hurts almost as much as him having been thousands of miles away.

She forces herself to take a breath and then another. She’s been doing better. Feeling more herself. She can do this.

‘Do you realise how that sounds, Jay? That I need to talk you. After all this time.’

He drags a hand down his face, and she sees there’s another cut there. This one older. A scar that curves its way down to his wrist.

‘I know, Hailey but I do want to talk.’

A scoff escapes her before she can stop it and anger joins the hurt and confusion she’s currently feeling.

‘Good for you,’ she says and he closes his eyes briefly at her words and nods at her like he was expecting them.

He doesn’t get to do that. To turn up here and be understanding.

‘I get it, Hailey. I do.’

‘No, you don’t!’ she yells and her voice echoes off the light fitting. ‘You don’t get it at all, Jay.’

‘Then talk to me. Please.’

His words anger her but maybe now is her chance.

She crosses her arms over her chest protectively. She’s angry and hurt but somewhere inside her she’s so damn relieved that he’s here and she needs to stop herself from moving to him right now.

‘You made me feel like I wasn’t enough. Like I wasn’t good enough.’

He steps closer to her. His voice ragged when he speaks. ‘I’m the one who wasn’t good enough! It was never you, Hailey. It was me.’

‘What?’

‘I was supposed to be your partner. I was supposed to keep you safe, keep everyone safe, and I failed. I failed and you got caught up in Voight’s bullshit and I swore I wouldn’t let it happen to you again or anyone else. I thought I could fix it and then I wasn’t even strong enough to stop it from happening to me.’

He’s quiet for a beat and she tries to digest his words. More honesty in them than she’s heard from him in a long time.

‘I let you down. I’m the one who wasn’t enough, Hailey. You, you’re always enough. You’ll always be –‘

She holds up a hand. ‘Stop. Just stop. I wasn’t enough for you to stay.’

There, she thinks. She’s said it. Voiced her fear that she’s had to find a way to accept. She swipes angrily at the tear that falls.

‘I lost my partner and my best friend and my husband all in the same day. You were my whole world, Jay. Do you know how vulnerable that left me?’

Her breath stutters in her chest. She feels vulnerable right now even admitting to all of this. Especially with him. It’s harder with him. He knew her. He knew what this would do to her.

‘Do you have any idea how hard it was to have you walk out that door when you promised you would be here?’

‘Hailey,’ he says. His voice choked with emotion.

She drags a hand through her hair. Him turning up here has tilted her world on its axis once more.

‘I was so lost. I was drowning, Jay and you wouldn’t even take half of my calls. That’s not a marriage. I kept telling myself it would get better. One day I might feel better, feel happy but it didn’t happen. I would still come home to this empty apartment that reminded me of you. I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t eat. I was sick with worry, but I told myself it was eight months.’

His next words are whispered into the quiet between them. ‘And then I extended.’

‘You did and I just felt so lost. So hurt. You clearly didn’t want me or miss me in the same way.’

He straightens up hearing that. ‘Yes I did. I do. Please tell me you believe me. Hailey please. Look me in the eye and tell me if I’m lying to you.’

‘That’s not fair,’ she tells him. He can’t call that. He can’t play that card because it doesn’t change anything and she knows if she looks at him for too long that she’ll see the man she married. That she’ll see her best friend.

‘Hailey, I explained to you why I extended. They needed a sergeant to stay after the guy rotating in got injured on training and Morales had a family at home. I did what I thought was right.’

‘You had a family at home,’ she tells him. ‘You were my family, Jay.’

‘Were?’

She hears the fear in his voice and she doesn’t know what to do with it. Turns and paces up and down the lounge and it’s only really then that she registers the bag he’s set down by the door. That bag. Wonders what it means but then he carries on speaking.

‘Hailey, he had children. Twin boys who he’d made a promise to, to be home for their sixth birthday. A gorgeous little baby girl.’

She stops her pacing. ‘And I get that, but you didn’t tell me. You told me weeks later. What did you think that would do to me?’

‘Hailey, I wanted to but I –‘

‘But what?’ she challenges. Now he’s finally talking, she wants answers.

‘Hailey’

And she knows that voice. He’s about to tell her its best she doesn’t know but she’s not having it.

‘What, Jay? Just answer me for God’s sake.’

‘I was captured.’

She feels like she’s been punched. All the air leaves her lungs.

‘What?’

He closes his eyes for a moment and she’s not sure if it’s the memories or what he’s about to say. ‘That’s why I told you weeks later. I couldn’t tell you before. I know it doesn’t excuse -

‘You were captured? On your own?’

She hates the thought of him having been alone.

He shakes his head at her sadly.

‘Two other guys from my unit too.’

‘How long for?’

‘Three weeks. Just over.’

Something inside of her hollows out. How did they get here? Her husband was held hostage for three weeks on another continent and she didn’t even know. Wonders how many more scars he might have that she can’t see.

‘Jay’

‘I’m okay,’ he tells her.

‘Why didn’t you…’

‘I didn’t want you to worry. I thought it was the right thing to not tell you when I was so far away. I didn’t want you to carry that.’

She wishes he’d told her. Carrying that wouldn’t have hurt any less but it wouldn’t have felt like a betrayal. It would have felt like her husband was still a man she recognised.

‘I’d asked too much of you already,’ Jay says sadly.

‘You don’t get to do that,’ she chokes out. ‘You don’t get to go it alone. You can’t keep things from me and make all these huge decisions without me.’

And she knows she’s touched a nerve. Sees it on his face. His voice, as always, remains quiet with her. He’s never raised his voice to her since he found out about her father and so much has changed between them but never that.

‘Huge decisions? Hailey, I get it. I get what you’re saying to me. I’m not saying I was right, but you can’t tell me it’s not okay to make huge decisions without the other and send me these in the mail.’

He reaches into his bag and slaps the folder down on the counter. She feels sick at the sight of it.

‘Is this why you’re home then? This is what it took for you to come home.’

He frowns at her. ‘Is that why you sent them?’

‘No,’ she answers immediately. ‘You think I would -‘

‘No, no I don’t, Hailey but I’m trying to understand why my wife would send me divorce papers without even telling me that she wanted to end our marriage.’

This is hard. It’s so hard. She knows she’s crying now. The sight of that folder and all that’s come to pass between them.

‘I was stuck, Jay. I was stuck. You moved on,’ she says pointing a finger at him, ‘and you left me right here.’

‘I didn’t move on,’ he says emphatically. ‘I moved away. For work. I never moved on from you. From us.’

‘I needed to start living again. Feeling like I could take an easy breath. Feeling like I had a future ahead of me. I had no idea if you were even coming back, Jay. That’s how lost I was. You left me and you hurt me, and I won’t apologise for trying to find myself again in the aftermath, Jay.’

‘I’m not asking you to,’ he says softly and his words have her looking straight at him once more. At the sincerity on his face. ‘I’m asking you to be honest with me.’

‘Honest?’

‘Hailey, I love you.’

She pulls in a stuttering breath at his words. Words she’s longed to hear him say to her again like this for so long.

‘I’m in love with you. I’m always going to be in love with you. You’re it for me and I put you through hell this past year. I know that I can’t change that fact, but I want to earn back your trust, your love, your smiles. I want to be your husband, Hailey. I want our marriage to work. I want to grow old with you. I still want it to be you and me, always.’

His words take her back. Take her back to the man who looked at her with so much love as he told her he wanted forever and got down on one knee.

A man who is looking at her like that right now and it hurts. It hurts in the best and most awful kind of way.

‘What do you want, Hailey? Is this what you want? Are you…do you not want this? Have I ruined it all?’ he asks wiping at his own tears.

‘Jay’

‘I don’t want to be the reason you’re unhappy,’ he says quietly. ‘I don’t want you to feel trapped.’

He rests his hand on top of the folder containing their divorce papers. ‘It’s not what I want, Hailey. You’re what I want. You and me. But I won’t hurt you further if staying married to me is hurting you.’

She says his name through her tears.

‘Do you want me to let you go?’ he asks. ‘Do you need me to?’

Her head and her heart are spinning.

‘I don’t…’

‘Hailey, it’s okay. Okay.’ He gives her the saddest smile she’s ever seen as he tries to reassure her. A trembling smile that graces his face as tears run down his cheeks. ‘I’ll support you in what you need.’

And God, none of this is what she wants or needs.

This can’t be it.

It can’t be.

‘You,’ she gasps out. ‘I want you, Jay.’

She’ll always want him.

She feels like she can breathe easier for saying the words. Having him hear them.

‘Hailey,’ he breathes. His chest heaving as he takes a step closer.

She wipes her face with her shirt sleeves. She needs him to hear this.

‘I want this, Jay but not like how it’s been. I don’t need that in my life. I can’t and I won’t have it. That’s what all this was,’ she says gesturing to the papers. ‘Recognising I deserved more. That I’m enough on my own. That I can be alone. That I don’t need you to have purpose in my life.’

He nods.

‘But I still want you in it,’ she tells him. ‘I want you by my side. I want us.’

‘But I need to be better,’ he says nodding at his own words.

‘We need to be better, Jay.’

He takes another step closer. He’s close enough to reach for her now but he doesn’t. ‘Hailey, you’re my best friend. I don’t want to know what my life is like without you in it. I love you - so much. I’ll put the work in.’

‘And I need you to be honest with me,’ she tells him.

‘I can do that.’

‘Are you done? With the army?’

‘No.’

‘No?’ She struggles to find the words. Was all of this conversation for nothing? ‘You’re gonna leave again?’

He shakes his head emphatically. ‘No. No I’m not leaving you.’

‘I, I don’t understand.’

‘They’ve offered me an analyst job. Military Intelligence.’

She swallows. ‘Where?’

‘I can work out of Chicago. I’d need to travel a bit in the states from time to time but I could be home. With you.’

‘Is that what you’d want?’

His answer comes quick. ‘To be with you – yes.’

‘No, the job.’

He shrugs his shoulders. ‘Maybe. I need to find something. It could work but we can talk all of that through together. I’m not making that kind of decision without you again. It wasn’t fair of me.’

‘Thank you for saying that,’ she tells him. ‘It wasn’t fair of you. You haven’t been fair.’

He nods looking down at his feet but then he looks back up at her and meets her gaze.

‘You’re right. I haven’t been fair to you. I got this all wrong.’

God, there’s the honesty she’s craved for over a year now.

‘I’ve been offered a job too.’

His eyes light up at her words. ‘You have?’

She bites her lip. She’s never been great with talking about herself in this way. ‘Mmm hmm.’

He opens his mouth to say something else but then her stomach rumbles. Loud.

He chuckles and in that moment she’s realised how much she’s missed his laughter. ‘Some things don’t change, huh?’ he says.

‘Guess not.’

‘You wanna order something,’ he starts, ‘or I can go if you’d rather?’

She shakes her head. ‘I don’t want you to go, Jay. What have you missed?’

‘You.’

She throws him a look out the corner of her eye at his words and he smiles and just for a moment it feels like them. The rest of it melting away.

‘I missed the burgers from the place down the block. They always make me think of the first night we spent here.’

She sees him glance to the steps over her shoulder and she thinks about the secrets she was keeping from him that night.

They can’t do secrets anymore, she vows to herself.

‘I’ll order,’ she says. ‘Did you come straight here?

‘From the airport, yeah.’

‘You wanna shower whilst we wait for the food?’

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. Answers honestly. ‘I don’t really wanna have you out my sight if I’m honest.’

‘Jay,’ she says softly and pulls the sleeves of her shirt down over her hands.

‘I’ve missed you,’ he continues. ‘I should have told you that more whilst I was gone. They should have been the first words out of my mouth when you rounded that corner tonight. I’ve really missed you, Hailey.’

‘I missed you too.’

He looks hesitant for a moment before he speaks. ‘Can I hug you?’

She steps into his arms and cries into his chest in hurt and in relief and she thinks he might be too from the way his chest hitches beneath her cheek. Feels the tender kiss he presses to her hair. Feels his heart beating in his chest.

He feels like her Jay. Her husband.

‘Go, get in the shower,’ she says when she steps back.

‘You saying I smell?’

Perfect, she thinks. He smells perfect. She’s missed how he smells.

‘I’m saying I think we both need a minute.’

‘Okay,’ he nods accepting her answer. Following her lead. ‘I’ll go shower.’

And its about forty minutes later when they settle down to sit by side at their island eating their food when he turns to her with genuine interest and says, ‘So, tell me about this job offer.’

‘You really wanna know?

‘I wanna know everything, Hailey.’

He listens as she talks. As she explains about the role that’s been offered to her. He asks questions about the initial case they’d worked together with Intelligence. About how the team work together. About the new role she would have and what it would entail.

And as she talks, she realises it’s him she’s wanted to talk to about all this. Talking to Trudy helped but it wasn’t this.

It wasn’t him telling her she would be brilliant at the new job. That they’d be so lucky to have her.

The two of them sat here sharing a beer over dinner and talking feels so like them, so like the thing that works between them, it brings tears to her eyes.

‘What is it?’ he asks quietly, and she sees the way he instinctively reaches for her. His hand almost coming to land on her knee before he stops.

‘This,’ she says simply.

He gives her a soft smile. An understanding one despite her only having offered him one word as an explanation. ‘This was one of the things I missed the most.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah, just getting to be with you at the end of a day.’

‘Me too.’

He runs a hand through his hair. It’s still cropped short. Still perfectly neat as always. ‘I know how that must sound. I know it’s my fault that I was gone, that we ever even had to miss one another. I’m sorry, Hailey. I’m really sorry that I let you down so badly.’

She looks at the man before her. A man she recognises. A man she knows is being honest right now.

‘I know.’

And she knows she has a choice to make in this moment. Just as she had before with the papers.

A choice to let her guard down a little. Let him in.

‘I missed your warm feet.’

‘Yeah?’ He smiles in a way that makes his eyes twinkle.

‘Yep, could never get mine warm enough in bed.’

‘I missed your dimples.’

‘Dimple, you mean,’ she corrects but it has him shaking his head.

‘Nope. You have two. Took me a while to get a two dimple smile out of you but it always made my day. Even before we were together.’

She feels herself blush. He’s her husband and they’ve done just about everything together and yet he can still make her blush with the simplest of compliments.

‘I promise I’m going to make you smile like that again, Hailey.’ The moment fizzes in the air between them. Something far lighter and far more hopeful. ‘I didn’t miss you snoring,’ he adds.

‘I don’t snore,’ she protests but she’s smiling as she says it.

‘Yeah, that’s not true,’ he counters. ‘Neither was me not missing it.’

———

She wakes to noise and there’s a moment where it has her reaching for her gun.

This past year the apartment has been punctuated with silence. It’s a little jarring to wake to the sound of the kitchen cabinets opening and closing.

She swings her legs round out the bed and sees it’s still early. He’d stayed following a slightly awkward conversation between them. Had slept on the couch.

On one hand she wants nothing more than to sleep beside him in their bed. To love him and be loved by him.

But they need to heal a little first.

And he’d told her cradling her cheek in his palm as he wished her goodnight that he would sleep on the couch until they were ready. For however long it takes. Until she wanted him back beside her without hesitation.

She’d sobbed in the shower she’d taken before bed. Sobbed with relief that she doesn’t have to do it all alone anymore. That her partner is back. That she believes him when he says he’s home and he’s committed to their marriage. To her. But the pain of it all is still there.

She’s fairly certain the rush of the water would have drowned out the sound of her tears but when she’d emerged from the shower there was a steaming cup of chamomile tea on her side table and he’d set out her ratty old University of Chicago T-shirt for her on the bed. Her comfort shirt.

She’d glanced out towards the lounge and saw him shaking out the spare bedding over the couch.

The sight helping her to fall asleep and in the quiet she’d still been able to sense he was there.

The apartment felt different. She felt different.

She slides her feet into her slippers and drags a hand through her hair heading for the lounge stifling a yawn.

He looks up from the stove and turns to shoot her a smile.

‘Good morning.’

‘Morning.’

He flicks the coffee machine on and it starts to gurgle to life and she watches the steady stream of caffeine flow into the mug below. Her mug.

Watches as he hands it over to her and turns back to the pan.

‘Just doing some eggs,’ he says to her. ‘Is that okay? Maybe I should have asked?’

She’s not sure if he means about whether she wanted eggs or whether it was okay for him to be at home here. Cooking breakfast.

‘It’s okay, Jay,’ she tells him quietly. ‘I’m just gonna go get ready.’

She needs a minute. Again. Honestly the last twenty-four hours have been so overwhelming that she feels on the verge of tears at any second.

The sight of him standing in their kitchen fixing her a coffee felt too much like no time has passed.

It’s everything she wanted. Him. Them. The simple things.

But it’s not like before and they’ll get in a mess if they think it is.

She slides open the drawer of her bedside table needing the confirmation that her wedding ring is still sat in there.

She needs to see it and know their marriage was real - is real - but she also needs to see it in that drawer.

Twenty-four hours ago the life she was living was one in which she was expecting to come home from work each day to find those papers returned to her in the mail with his signature on the bottom.

She thought that’s where they were at. The end.

The start of something else for her.

She holds her head in her hands. But he’s here now and her heart feels like it’s working again.

It’s not that easy though.

Life isn’t supposed to be this hard.

————

They catch a case. Drug overdoses in a good neighbourhood. Four teenagers found dead in a park. The media are sniffing around, and the Ivory Tower are breathing down their neck and so it’s hours before she gets to check any personal messages.

Sees three from Jay.

How’s your day going?

Guessing you guys caught a case. Stay safe

I’m going to head to the gym for a couple of hours if you get home and I’m not there. I’ll sort dinner

She leans back in her chair. Her stomach doing flip flops at his words.

She doesn’t know what to say to any of it.

She’d slept better for him being here. Being home. She’d felt comfort at being held by him. Finally felt his love when he’d pressed a soft kiss to her hair, when he’d made her a tea last night and then breakfast this morning. When he’s messaging her now to tell her not to panic if she gets home to an empty apartment.

But she thought she was getting divorced and now he’s home.

She loves him but it doesn’t fix it.

Enjoy the gym

She’s not sure how else to make sense of her thoughts.

————

When she does finally get home, it’s a little after nine. The whole apartment smells good and she already knows what he’s made without him telling her.

He comes out of the bathroom and smiles when he sees her.

‘Long day?’

She drags a hand through her hair and toes off her boots. ‘Yeah, you know how it goes.’

‘You want dinner?’

‘It smells good.’

‘Thanks.’

She hoists herself up to sit on one of the stools at the island and watches him plate up two bowls of the pasta. ‘You not eaten?’

He smiles a little sheepishly at her. ‘I mean, I had a little bit earlier. I was hungry.’

‘So this is a Jay Halstead special. The second dinner?’

The man can eat. He polishes off more food than Hailey can comprehend sometimes. When they first grew closer, started to eat some of their meals together beyond the precinct, she used to tease him about it incessantly.

The two of them sit side by side eating their dinner. He’s right, it is good, and she hadn’t quite realised how hungry she was.

‘I did want to talk to you about something,’ he says gently when he clears their bowls away.

She feels her heart plummet in her chest. ‘Okay. What about?’

‘That, actually.’

‘I don’t follow.’

‘Hailey, I said I needed to talk to you and you’re immediately thinking the worst.’

She feels a little defensive at his words. ‘What am I supposed to think?’

‘Hang on,’ he says steadily. ‘Slow down. I know - that’s what I’m trying to tell you. I understand why you’d think that. This isn’t that at all. Just, just hear me out.’

She nods.

‘I went and got some groceries today. I hope that’s okay.’

‘That’s what you wanted to talk to me about?’

‘No,’ he says. ‘But I was putting things away and I found these.’

She sees him reach into the drawer beside him and pull out some papers that he spreads across the counter and her heart sinks a little.

‘You were looking to move?’

There’s no judgement in his voice. Maybe a little hurt but he’s being kind. Patient. She wonders how many times he’s practised this conversation in his head during the day.

She looks down at the listings in his hand and then back up at him. Honesty. They need that.

‘Yeah,’ she says. ‘Yeah I was.’

‘Because it was too hard to stay here?’

She nods. Realises she’s picking at the skin on her hands and forces herself to stop. ‘It felt empty without you.’

‘Okay,’ he nods to himself. ‘And this was part of your fresh start?’

‘Jay,’ she sighs. ‘It’s not like it was that simple. Get divorced, move, new me. That’s not it. That’s not how these last eighteen months have been for me.’

‘Hey, I know. I’m not trying to say that.’

‘Then what are you trying to say?’

‘I don’t want to hold you back from moving forwards.’

‘What?’

Her mind scrambles trying to keep up.

‘Do you… that’s the second time you’ve said that to me. For someone saying you want to stay married, it feels like you’re giving me a lot of outs. Don’t put that on me. You can’t put that on me.’

‘Hailey, please just hear me out.’

Her bottoms lip trembles but she nods at him.

‘I love you,’ he says looking her straight in the eye. ‘I don’t want an out. Maybe that should have been my opening to this. I’m saying it all wrong when I’m trying to do this right. I love you. I want you, Hailey so what I’m trying to say right now isn’t about anyone having an out. Okay?’

‘Okay.’

He gently wipes her tear away then moves to get her a glass of water before he continues.

‘I want forever. I want forever and I want us to build from here on solid ground.’

‘Me too.’

‘I haven’t been a good husband to you.’

‘Jay.’

‘I haven’t, Hailey. We both know that’s true, but I can be. I will be.’

‘What are you saying?’

‘Tell me why you wanted to move.’

She lets out a breath. It’s an easy answer. ‘I’ve hated living here since you left.’

‘Then you should move. You should absolutely move. If there are too many painful memories here, you should move. That’s okay.’

Something about his answer worries her. ‘You’re saying ‘you’. Not us.’

This time he does reach for her. Places a hand on her thigh and squeezes lightly. The gesture reassuring. ‘I don’t want to put a plaster on our marriage, Hailey. I want to fix it. I want us to build from here, but I need to earn your trust back. I need to give you time.’

Part of her wants to scream at him that she’s fed up of time. That she’s had eighteen months of time and pain and loneliness.

But part of her understands what he’s saying. There are problems that lie between them and if they slip back into being them too quickly, they’ll just lay dormant between them. An omen hanging over their marriage. She doesn’t want that.

‘So, you’re saying I should move?’

He shakes his head gently. ‘I’m not telling you what to do but I think if you thought that was good for you before I came home, it’s probably still good for you now.’

She turns his words over in her mind. She understands what he’s saying. Where he’s coming from. ‘Okay. Okay, and what about you?’

‘I talked to Will today,’ he explains. ‘He’s been letting out his apartment here so I can rent his place from him whilst we get back on track.’

He’s thought this through. He’s making plans for their future and though they sound hard right now, they also sound sensible. Logical. Necessary.

‘I need you to know that this isn’t me leaving, Hailey. This isn’t me leaving you and if you want the two of us to stay right here, I absolutely will. If you want us to move somewhere new together right now, I will absolutely do that. I don’t want to be without you any longer, but I think it’s maybe what we need.’

She lets out a shaky breath.

‘I looked up some marriage counsellors in the city today too.’

Her head whips up. ‘You did? You’re not exactly a fan of therapy.’

‘No, I’m not but I love you. I’m serious about this, Hailey. I’ll put the work in.’

She reaches down and rests her hand on his where it lays on her thigh. Feels the curve of his wedding ring beneath her fingers.

‘Okay,’ she says. ‘Let’s do that.’

And so she finds herself four weeks later moving into a new apartment a few blocks away from their first home. Moving into a place on her own to save their marriage.

She glances behind her and sees him come through the door with another one of her boxes. They’ve been at it all morning.

‘Hailey, what the hell is in here?’ he huffs as he sets it down.

She lifts the corner and peeps inside. ‘Weights and stuff.’

‘You kidding me?’

‘No,’ she laughs. ‘It’s my workout stuff.’

‘Yeah, well I’ve had my workout for the day now.’

She laughs at him and fishes through one of the boxes for a couple of glasses and pours them both a water.

‘Thanks,’ he smiles at her.

She’s not sure how the hell their current situation would make sense to anyone else: her husband is helping her to move out of their home so they can be happy together long term.

But when she looks up and he tilts his head at her smiling softly she thinks it doesn’t matter what other people think.

What matters is them and this.

Moving forwards.

They’ve had two counselling sessions so far. Two hard sessions that have picked at the parts of her she wishes she could gloss over but she knows she can’t. Not if they want to come out of this stronger. But they’re in it together. She knows this. Can feel it.

They’re in this together too. Living separately.

It’s the right move.

For now.

It’s a couple of hours later when he goes to take his leave.

He pulls her into his chest. His voice close to her ear.

‘I’m proud of you and I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ she mumbles into his shoulder.

‘I’m the other end of the phone,’ he tells her and she nods.

He’s proving to her that he is. He’s showing up for her. Being patient and understanding.

He’s being a man she recognises once more.

But they need to do this.

She busies herself unpacking for a distraction once he’s left but when she comes across a framed photo of the two of them it makes her pause. She traces her fingers over their smiling faces and drifts towards the windows in her new apartment.

This place feels new. It doesn’t feel haunted by his ghost. By pain. She’s not sure it feels like home without him either, but the walls are yellow and bright and she liked it for that reason. She can make it home for as long as she’s here. She sets the photo down on her dresser and finds herself wandering back over to the window typing out a message to him.

It takes her three days to send it but she does.

I miss the view

He types and retypes. The dots dancing and disappearing as quickly as they came.

It can go on the list for our next home.

You have a list?

Yeah, I got a couple of things on it.

She taps open the screenshot he sends her of a note on his phone

• A house with a yard
• Three bedrooms
• A view

She bursts into tears

It’s a good list.

————

She’s dashing around her apartment trying to find her other shoe. She rarely wears heels and vaguely wonders if it’s a sign that she shouldn’t tonight but she’s nervous.

This is the first date she’s been on in two years.

She hears the soft rap at the door and yells out for him to come in.

She sees his head pop around the doorframe into her bedroom.

‘Hey, you okay?’ he asks taking in the fact that just about every drawer and the closet doors are open in her room.

‘I can’t find my other shoe,’ she huffs.

His mouth curls into a grin. ‘And you thought it might be in the very small drawer of your beside table?’

‘Shut up,’ she says and throws a sweatshirt at him. He catches it laughing and folds it, because of course he does, before he sets it on top of the dresser.

She watches him crouch down on all fours.

‘What are you doing?’

‘I’m finding your shoe,’ he tells her. He glances back to look at the one she already has and then grunts as he stretches his arm out for something under the bed.

‘One shoe,’ he says holding it out to her.

She scrunches her nose up at how easily he found it. ‘Thank you,’ she tells him and busies herself with fastening her shoes trying to calm her racing heart.

When she stands up, he’s looking at her. His gaze soft.

‘I’m a little nervous too, Hailey.’

‘You are?’

‘Yeah,’ he says and reaches his hand out for hers. ‘You look beautiful by the way.’

‘You too,’ she smiles taking him in in his shirt and jeans.

‘I’m not sure anyone has ever called me beautiful.’

She scoffs. ‘Plenty of people will have called you beautiful, Jay. Just maybe not to your face.’

His ears redden and she laughs to herself at the fact. Feels some of her nerves start to disappear.

It’s just Jay. It’s just them.

‘Hi,’ she says and steps into his space to press a kiss to his lips. ‘How was your trip?’

He’s been away for the last five days for work. They’ve spoken every day, so she already knows the answer really but this will be part of their new normal.

‘Good. Glad to be home though,’ he says. Hand tracing over her hip.

‘I’m glad you’re back too.’

Yesterday was her last day in Intelligence. She’d gone out with the team last night and it had been nice. Bittersweet but she knows she’s made the right call.

A fresh start. A new challenge.

Jay had been gutted he’d not been around for it with his flight having gotten back in this afternoon.

He’d asked her to go out with him tonight over the phone in the week. Told her he wanted to celebrate her starting her new job next week but also that he wanted to take her out on a date.

‘I got you flowers,’ he tells her and dips back into the kitchen to hand her a bunch of flowers.

‘These are gorgeous, Jay,’ she hums taking in the array of yellow and purple flowers interspersed with greenery.

She puts them in some water and turns to grab her purse.

‘You ready?’ he asks holding his hand out to her.

She takes his hand and threads her fingers through hers. Feels his ring beneath her fingers and she squeezes tighter.

She’d done the same last week when they’d left their counselling session. Knows her own ring will be finding its way back onto her finger soon enough.

She’d stopped as they’d turned for the door when their hour was up.

‘Can I ask you something?’

She’d seen Doctor Macht look up from his notes. Take off his glasses.

‘Of course.’

‘Do you think we’re doing well?’

‘My opinion isn’t what these sessions are about Hailey.’

She feels Jay’s hand come to rest on her lower back in quiet support.

‘No, I get that. I’m just curious is all. You see hundreds of couples come through these doors. You must get a sense of whether people are right for one another.’

‘It’s not about being right for one another,’ he’d said easily. ‘It’s about people putting aside their egos. Listening to their partner and not making it about them. It’s about choice and respect. Being able to apologise and learn from it.’

And with that he puts his glasses back on and looks down at his notes.

‘Come on,’ Jay had said quietly to her opening the door, but a voice had stopped them both.

‘For what it’s worth, you two are doing all of that. In case you were interested.’

He’s not even looking up from his notes but Hailey had smiled wide. Jay too.

‘See you next week,’ Jay had answered for them both.

‘Goodbye both.’

‘Feel like I just got a gold star from my kindergarten teacher,’ Jay grinned as they stepped outside.

And they’d joked about it, they had, but she’d kissed him goodbye in the parking lot. Kissed him properly.

Kissed him until they were both breathless and grinning at one another.

‘He’s right you know,’ she’d whispered fingering with the buttons on his Henley. Unwilling to move from his space. ‘We’re good, Jay.’

They feel good again.

‘Yeah,’ he’d agreed. ‘Yeah we are.’

And she has a plan tonight. A plan to make love to her husband when they get home from their dinner. She loves him and she’s missed loving him in that way. Being loved by him like that.

She’s ready. They’re ready. They’ve put the work in. They’ll continue to put the work in and she wants him beside her as they move forward.

He’s excelling in his new job and honestly, she’s not surprised. What she had been surprised by is that him having to work away a little each month has helped her.

She knows he’ll come home to her. She’s stopped doubting it, but she appreciates her time to herself too.

They were never without one another before - at work or at home. And she loved it. They both did. Those years were magic but they were also hard and now hindsight has taught them both that they weren’t sustainable.

Dinner is lovely. Light, easy. Exactly as their dates felt before and this has been a turning point for them too. Learning that not everything needs to be different to before. Some things are the same and they’re both so grateful for it.

He holds out her jacket for her to step into once he’s paid the bill.

‘You fancy a walk by the river?’

She’d say yes any other night but tonight she just wants him. She’s watched him during the evening. At the easy way he captures people’s attention in the restaurant, from other diners to the wait staff. Watched as he has no idea he’s even doing so. Eyes only for her.

He’s not a perfect man. He’s flawed. Proud. Sometimes rash.

But he’s also her best friend. The only man who can make her feel as he does with a simple smile. He’s the man that she loves. She’s made a choice to forgive him and he’s working on forgiving himself.

‘Jay,’ she says turning to face him. ‘I want you to take me home and I want you to come inside with me and stay the night.’

‘Okay,’ he smiles at her, and she knows him. She knows he thinks she means the couch as they’ve done a few times these past couple of months or so and so she pulls him down to her and kisses him right there on the sidewalk. Teases his lips open with her tongue and it feels like kissing him again for the first time.

The simple act making her come alive.

‘Hailey,’ he breathes against her lips when they part. She smiles and so does he. Both a little giddy and lightheaded. Both on the same page. ‘Are you sure?’

‘I’m sure,’ she nods. ‘Take me home.’

He takes her hand in his.

She regrets the chaos of her bedroom when they stumble through the door both too desperate for one another to stop kissing as they move across her apartment.

She doesn’t regret the sound of his laughter filling her space as she hastily shoves everything from on the bed onto the floor declaring it future Hailey’s problem.

He reaches for her with laughter dancing in his eyes and tells her he loves her.

‘Hailey, you’re sure?’ he asks her. Eyes burning into hers.

‘I’m sure Jay. I love you. I want this and you and everything we have to come together.’

‘Me too,’ he mumbles against her lips before he steals a kiss and then another. ‘Let me love you, Hailey. Let me show you how I feel. Let me make you feel good.’

And there’s a moment when they finally come together once more where her eyelids flutter open at the sensation, and she finds him staring right back at her.

She can do it on her own. Life. But she doesn’t want to. She wants how this feels. It’s indescribable.

She feels his love in his gaze. In the way his mouth falls open and he seemingly can’t find the words for how this feels either.

Sex has never brought her to tears before, but she feels her eyes welling up now. They needed this. They needed this reconnection, and it would have been so easy to give into it months ago but it means more now. Means more now they’re on even ground once more.

‘I love you, Hailey,’ he says tenderly. ‘Thank you for loving me.’

She buries her face in his shoulder as he moves beneath her. Her legs wrapped around his back holding him close as they find their rhythm and she gasps out his name as he makes her come undone.

————

Sunlight streams in through the curtains in her bedroom and she wakes for the first time in nearly two years to her husband beside her. To his arm draped over her waist and she relishes the weight of it.

‘Morning,’ he mumbles sounding far more awake than she does.

She shifts in his arms to face him.

‘Morning,’ she hums. ‘How long have you been awake?’

‘A while,’ he answers easily. ‘I was just enjoying this.’

He doesn’t need to explain any more. She gets it. This is another step. Another way in which they’re them again.

‘Yeah,’ she smiles. ‘It feels pretty good, right?’

‘It feels like everything, Hailey.’

She presses a soft kiss to his lips. ‘You want coffee?’

It’s a Sunday and they have nowhere to be.

‘I do. I can get them though if that’s okay?’

She nods and watches him swing his legs round immediately missing his warmth. He shimmies into the boxers they’d discarded the night before and pads from the room.

When he comes back, with a mug in each hand and a smile on his face, she feels it. Feels the future - their future - that’s theirs for the taking.

‘Jay,’ she tells him as he slides back under the covers, ‘you don’t need to ask.’

He quirks a brow at her.

‘Before,’ she explains. ‘If it was okay for you to make the coffee. I, I want you to feel at home here. I want you to be here with me.’

His whole face lights up but she sees him hesitate. ‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah.’

He does that thing of his where he looks at her in wonder and gives a little shake of his head like he can’t quite believe he got so lucky.

‘I want you to be here with me until we find somewhere new that’s ours.’

Her heart is racing in her chest. This is it.

He shifts on the bed beside her. Traces his thumb over her cheek and the next words he speaks are everything.

‘Our house with a yard and three bedrooms.’

‘Don’t forget the view.’

They do forget all about their coffees though.

This is their moment. This is them turning the page. The last two years have been difficult chapters in their story, but they’ve got a lifetime ahead of them.