Chapter Text
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start
-The Scientist by Coldplay
1: Echoes of Guilt
Injuries were as common to Levi as breathing due to the nature of his job. However, this time, his injury wasn't a result of his misstep, as it rarely ever was. Levi, Humanity's strongest, had mastered godly speed and sharp precision, making him nearly untouchable by Titans. It had been a long time since he had been hit by one.
But this time was different. The injury came from a brat's foolishness, not his own miscalculation. Despite the talents of Levi's exceptional squad, a formidable Female Titan had decimated his special squad in minutes, leaving only Petra barely surviving. The Ackerman brat, Mikasa, defied orders and believed she could take on the Female Titan despite seeing the Squad Levi tarnished. Stupid brat.
That little Ackerman! Foolish. Hasty. Blinded Loyalty. Strong, capable and ferocious.
While Levi acknowledged Mikasa's strength and recognized her potential to one day become his equal, he knew she wasn't ready. Her blind loyalty and hasty actions, especially when it came to Eren, raised concerns. Levi could see the storm in her eyes, the loss of control, and the clouding of her thinking whenever Eren's name was mentioned.
In Levi's eyes, Mikasa's strength and ferociousness were unmatched for peers of her age, and even peers of his age, except for a few exceptional individuals like Erwin. Yet, the ticking in her brain intensified with every thought of another brat's name — Eren. Despite her capabilities, Levi understood that Mikasa still had much to learn before truly being ready for the challenges ahead.
For her to be trusted by him and her comrades, she needed to learn patience. She needed to separate her mind from Eren.
But that Brat was to never understand this by others’ words, a futile effort that would be; she would need her own self-reflective brain to recognize the need to detach herself from Eren for her growth as a cadet and as a human even.
Maybe…if she could let Eren go, the greater good could prevail. Maybe.
But her feelings, those damned feelings, risked her life and also his own, Levi was beyond frustrated to say the least.
Perhaps, Love is indeed a curse one bears for a lifetime, Levi thought while begrudgingly being taken care of in infirmary. His battered knee and ankle ached as the medical team wrapped the wound; his injury had occurred as a result of kicking away that Female Titan’s palm to protect Mikasa from a fate worse than Death.
His lean form rested on a narrow but cushioned cot, and his stoic face gave a small nod to the scout who tended to his wound as they left. Levi shut his eyes, his pounding pain on his knee was occupying his being.
In the closed confinement of infirmary, with sterile surrounding and no human speck…he could relax a little and embrace the pain…as outside, the strongest of humanity had no luxury to feel pain, anguish or even guilt over his squad being wiped out. Eld, Oluo and Gunther; all of them lost the chance to see the world anymore because of him. The weight of leading them into their deaths haunted him incessantly since their return two days ago. The guilt throbbed at his nape, his entirety stiffened and restless.
And Petra, alive but barely clung to survival. Unconsciously resting at the headquarter.
Another layer of guilt gnawed at his soul that he could not console or be there for anyone, not even Petra. The one who trusted him with everything. Her mind, Her devotion, Her trust, her soul and even maybe her heart.
Levi felt utterly useless, the curse of being the strongest is to be the lonely survivor with no privilege to give time to Human dispositions such as concern, friendship…love. The infirmary’s confinement became his cage of freedom where he finally could let himself mourn the loss; the loss of his comrades with their images etched into his vision even with his eyes closed.
______ * ______
I saved Eren. Mikasa thought.
That is everything. Mikasa thought. Her own echoes of righteousness trying to rationalize what she did, attempting to convince herself that what she did resulted in everything that matter. But did it?
But at what cost? Mikasa asked herself. Her inner turmoil deepening.
The cost…Captain’s injury, his lost trust in her, her commander’s disappointment, her comrades’ disapproval! Mikasa closed her eyes, as if her mind could keep quiet if she darkened her vision, as if the cacophony of guilt and doubt swirling in her mind could be deafened.
Her life as the cost was inconsequential to her; it didn't matter. Her cause was Eren. Protecting him was not just a duty; it defined her very existence, her duty, her price to pay for every breath she took.
“If I have done what I was supposed to, then why do I feel this pang in my chest”, Mikasa again asked herself, as she sat in her bunker bed, her delicate yet calloused fingers tugging at the red fabric wrapped around her neck. Her head tilted back and rested on the wall behind her.
In her darkened vision, steel grey and midnight blue specks of his eyes shone vividly, disappointed and livid. The mere memory of her Captain’s gaze held her stiff and shook to the core.
Her eyes shot open and she heaved a deep sigh to dispel that unshakeable and piercing discomfort erupting from her chest to pool in her stomach, and tiring her vision along with trembling her limbs.
Her dazed and moist gaze surveyed the empty bunkers around her, her comrades…absent in this moment, were they also as disappointed as the captain was, when he witnessed her going against orders and attacking Female Titan. The impending disapproving looks from her comrades added to the heaviness to her burdened conscience.
Her comrades did not know that they mattered to her too. In their minds, Mikasa was only for Eren, about Eren.
And she was.
Eren, Eren, Eren…her life was this. Centered around one boy.
However, since the inception of her training, Mikasa had started to see life beyond her duty to Eren. The love she felt for him was one thing, but the warmth she experienced from Armin, who stood by her and embraced her every time Eren threw a fit and hurt her feelings, or the comforting presence of Sasha with her food stories and needs, or the chilly nights when she found herself wrapped in a cozy blanket left by Sasha, or the unexpected joy and warmth of Jean's flushed face and random praises he sheepishly directed at her despite no response from Mikasa, and the laid-back attitude of Connie that somehow brought comfort during the harshest trainings—all of those moments opened Mikasa's heart to her team.
Mikasa might have been for Eren in the past, but she had genuinely opened her heart for her team as they started a new chapter of attack on Titans. In her mind, they were her people.
Her people, whom she recklessly put in danger due to her foolishness.
No wonder if they'd hate her. She believed.
Captain… “He must already hate me”, Mikasa thought to herself with a dry, disappointed snicker, her voice low and shaky. For some reason, she could not think of her Captain without having her heart palpitating and sending shivers to her entire being.
The conflict deepening in her soul, gnawing at her remaining strength, her body already aching with the after-effects of the fight beyond the walls against the Female Titan. The tumultuous storm in her heart was tarnishing whatever semblance she tricked herself with since last two days, guilt and pain hitting her at her core, each of her heartbeat echoed with the foreign need of comfort and longing from her empty surrounding; a desire she never said aloud, never acknowledged within her.
The relentless need to atone, to ask for forgiveness out of guilt gripped her soul. Wars, Battles, Fights…all can come with huge losses, she knew, but by no means she wanted to be the reason herself.
Perhaps, the sight of Eren almost slipping from her hold evoked a profound sense of realization that life was both; too short and too precious. The Captain she once harbored resentment towards now occupied her mind for two days, news spread that he did not leave infirmary for two days and was on the road to a harsh recovery as the Humanity’s strongest could not be seen by public or even by scouts in a condition which defied his title. And the bitter truth that nagged at Mikasa was that she was the cause of it all.
“If you had done your damn job and protected him, we wouldn’t have been having this conversation.” Mikasa's cutting words to her Captain echoed in her mind, the bitterness seeping deep into her core.
Him yelling, “Don’t do it”, as she recklessly pursued the Titan's nape replayed vividly, a haunting echo of a moment she wished she could undo. All memories kept on rushing back to her, giving her throbbing tinge between her eyebrows, she winced and had a glass of water to somehow calm her nerves down.
The lingering unease persisted and inflicted her being with rushing guilt even more.
“We all know you love him, but do not act crazy” the captain’s words in the forest exposed her vulnerability. She flushed at the revelation, feeling unfairly reduced to a lovesick teenager neglecting her duties.
However, Mikasa knew she was more than that. Yes, she loved Eren, but she also loved her duty. She had joined this journey for Eren, but her commitment extended to the responsibilities that were inherently hers.
She felt the need to prove herself to everyone. The way her Captain articulated his thoughts hinted that it wasn't just his opinion; people expected her to act recklessly for Eren, and that perception left her feeling unreliable, like an outcast.
She found herself yearning to bridge the gap she unintentionally created; she was not the training duration Mikasa anymore, Mikasa was a seeker of growth now, along with being there for Eren, she wanted to help humanity prevail under any circumstance. For that to happen, everyone around her should have known that she never meant to put anyone in harm’s way, she would die for Eren but would never wish for others to die in the quest of her duty. In this perilous journey, her people, her comrades were not pawns or peers she tolerated anymore…they were cherished companions she intended to have around.
Mikasa knew the journey ahead of her was long and hence, she wiped the beads like tears that made their way out of her eyes and steeled herself for the emotional terrain that awaited her.
The road to her journey was to start with her Captain.
She contemplated seeking Captain’s forgiveness for what happened back there in the field, she felt a knot like feeling engulfing her chest, scaring her from facing him and from baring her vulnerabilities which she never meant to share with anyone before. She owed him her life, the least she could do to re-gain his trust was to acknowledge where she went wrong and assure him that her feelings would not cause her to go mad. The mending of all the fractures she caused since last couple of years was needed as the humanity progressed towards bigger and more complex fights.
Protecting Eren was her duty, her love but the people around her also knew that Humanity’s salvation was with Eren so she needed to, she had to accept the new journey, with more than herself.
Trepidation loomed over her as she got off her bed and paced towards the door…determined to let her stubborn captain know that she was not a child, dumb in love, she was a soldier, who knew what rested on her shoulders.
She knew her duty, and she would do it with utmost dedication. The weight of societal expectations pressed upon her, and Mikasa braced herself for the uphill battle of reclaiming her identity and proving her unwavering dedication to both Eren and her duties.
As her feet carried her towards the infirmary, her heart pounded hard in her chest. The mere possibility of encountering those steely blue eyes, capable of dissecting her and unravelling her very being from within, intensified the rhythm of her pulse. Each step felt like an inexorable march towards a confrontation she couldn't evade, and the anticipation of facing the piercing scrutiny of her Captain's gaze weighed heavily on Mikasa's every stride.