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The long walk to the Nether was exhausting. Even in his Shadow Knight form, he felt tired beyond belief. Perhaps then, it wasn’t the long walk that was tiring him.
Maybe it was the product of the constant mental battle he fought—the voices.
The whispers.
Relentless.
Maybe it was because he didn’t even say goodbye to anyone. The thought of Cadenza waiting for him again weighed him down. The thought of missing even more of his friends’ kids’ lives as they grew made his whole body ache.
Maybe it was because of his last conversation with Garroth and Aphmau.
The way he had pressured Aphmau…
“I don’t understand why you are making such a huge fuss over him.”
“What exactly was your relationship with Aaron? Don’t ignore the question, Aphmau.”
Blamed her.
The way he had insulted Garroth…
“You of all people, Garroth…I thought you would be on my side with this…”
“After all, you’re the entire reason he’s gone.”
Blamed him.
Aphmau had gotten between them at that. She shouted at Laurance to stop. She told him not to talk to Garroth that way. But what stuck out to him was the tears that he had brought to her eyes.
“You're being mean.” She had said in a shaky voice.
Laurance tried to search in Garroth’s eyes for the forgiveness Garroth always granted him. But instead, Garroth only looked away from him in shame. Shame on himself? Shame on Laurance? Laurance didn’t think it mattered. Either way, he was the cause of it.
He said one last nasty thing to them before storming off. He doesn’t even remember what it was. He remembers not meaning it, though. He didn’t mean any of it. When he first found Aphmau by the shore, he approached to comfort her. But something took over him, which had been happening a lot.
That may be the reason for his exhaustion.
“You haven’t said where you are taking us yet, Laurance. Is it somewhere fun? Oh, please let it be somewhere fun! You have no idea how tiring it is just sitting around in a cell doing nothing! Do you know how tiring it is? I bet you don’t! I bet-”
Or maybe it was because of Michi’s excessive chattering.
“Michi. Shut up.” Sasha ordered.
Michi whimpered but finally stopped talking. Laurance kept his gratitude to himself. He didn’t even want to give Sasha the satisfaction of a “thank you.” His sister would be so disappointed in his lack of manners.
“I’ve never seen you so quiet before, Laurance. It scares me. I’m terrified right now,” Sasha said, even though her deadpan voice said otherwise.
Laurance remained silent. The whispers told him they were close.
They were standing in front of the Nether portal a few minutes later. The exhaustion and dull ache had subsided just by being near the portal, filling Laurance with relief.
It disgusted him.
Laurance pulled his dagger out and approached Michi. Her eyes grew wide, and her ears drew back as she hurriedly stepped backward and tried not to trip.
“Please, no! I’m sorry for talking so much! Please don’t sacrifice me to the purple demons or whatever is in there!”
Laurance grabbed her by the ropes tied around her wrists and pulled her forward. She flinched and yelped as he swiftly cut the ropes, freeing her.
She stared at her unbound wrists, and quickly her whole demeanor changed into her usual, annoying, smiley self.
“Oh, wow! Thanks!” She sighed dreamily. “I knew you were a gentleman…” She tried to touch his arm, but he stepped away before she could reach him and approached Sasha.
Sasha just held out her binds with a disinterested look. He avoided her eyes and just focused on cutting through the ropes.
He turned and stood to face the portal. Through the swirling purple, he could almost make out his reflection.
“You just love to stare at yourself, don’t you?” Dante had teased him one morning a long time ago. They were getting ready in the guard tower while Garroth waited outside. How Garroth could wake up so early and be fully prepared for patrol every day was beyond Laurance. The man must have slept in his armor. He wouldn’t put it past him.
“If you had a devilishly handsome man as your reflection, you’d stare, too.”
He hated what stared back at him now. That was a man he didn’t recognize. Was he even a man anymore? Monster sounded more fitting.
Dante had laughed at his words. He loved making his friends laugh. When was the last time he’d done that?
“It’s gotten that bad, huh?” He was suddenly thrust back into reality by Sasha’s voice.
“I have to answer the calling.”
“I see… so she would be dead if you saw her again?”
Aphmau. The dull ache returned at full force.
“Lost your voice again?”
Images of Aphmau’s lifeless body flashed through his head. He gripped his sword that remained in its sheath. To ground himself from his thoughts? Or was it a longing to turn his thoughts into fruition?
He didn’t have an answer. So, instead, he distracted himself from the question.
“Where will you two go?”
Not that he cared that much. He knew Sasha would see through his bullshit. But Michi, on the other hand, would never waste an opportunity to talk.
“I’m going back to Tu’la! I miss my home. Plus, this region is boring ,” Michi groaned.
“Tu’la… I’ve never been.”
That’s right. Ever since they were kids, Sasha loved the idea of exploring different lands. She was always a big dreamer. Always wanted something more from life.
“Come with me! I hate traveling alone! There would be no one to talk to…”
Despite his complicated state, Laurance felt a twinge of pity for Sasha.
“Sure. Why not?”
At that, he then felt a twinge of pride. Sasha will finally get to explore. At least he did one good thing.
“You two have fun.”
There was silence for a moment. Laurance almost thought they had left without having heard them walk away.
“Good luck, Laurance.”
She spoke it so softly. She meant it.
“Bye!” Michi exclaimed, drawing out the “e.” They left. And he was finally alone.
“To be loved is to be changed,” Cadenza had read from the poetry book. He laid with her on his bed, using her arm as a pillow. Cadenza held the book open for them both to see. He wasn’t able to sleep that night, and he was on his way to bother his father about it before he saw Cadenza in the hallway about to do the same thing. She couldn’t sleep either.
So, she took his hand and walked him back into his room. She pulled a book from his shelf, laid beside him, and showed him the cover.
“How does some poetry sound?”
“Boring.”
“Perfect. Should put you right to sleep.”
She always knew just what to do.
When she had read that line, Laurance scrunched his eyebrows in confusion.
“What does that mean?”
Cadenza hummed in thought, “I think it means… that when someone loves you, you grow from that love.”
“Like, get taller?”
Cadenza laughed. He loved making her laugh.
“No, silly boy. Like to grow as a person.”
He still didn’t get it. His sister must have sensed it because she continued to explain.
“Remember when dad first brought you home? And you were this smelly, rotten little boy, always getting into trouble? You entered my room and got your dirty hands all over the new dress I was working on. I was so upset, but you just laughed. You didn’t understand what you did wrong.”
Laurance frowned. He did remember this.
“But instead of getting mad at you, Dad had taken you aside and explained what that dress had meant to me, how I had worked so hard on it. Eventually, you came up to me and apologized. I wanted to be stubborn and stay mad, but I couldn’t, especially not at this face!”
Cadenza let go of one side of the book and pinched his cheek.
“Ow!” Laurance giggled.
“That was the moment when I saw the kind-hearted boy under all the dirt. He just needed some love to bring him out.”
Laurance finally understood it then.
And he understood it even more now.
Cadenza loved him, so she sacrificed her dress and undid the stitching. She turned the fabric into new pants and a shirt for him, one without dozens of holes and rips.
Laurance loved his family. So he will sacrifice his livelihood and damn himself to solitude. He will pay his retribution for what he did to Aphmau. To Garroth. To what he was inevitably going to do to them if he stayed. His presence will only cause pain and suffering.
However, his absence will devastate Cadenza. She has done so much for him; all he does in return is leave her. Leaving her to believe that her only brother is dead. Leaving her to suffer the loss of their father alone. But he couldn’t guarantee she would be safe from him, either. He allowed himself a moment to silently pray that she would understand why he must do this.
To be loved is to be changed.
To love is to sacrifice.
He finally understood.
He stepped through the portal.