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SEVENTEEN always treated Chan as the maknae, the youngest that should be protected. Don’t get him wrong, Chan liked to be the maknae, having the attention of his hyungs and getting spoiled. But, he didn’t know how to act like the youngest. He didn’t have the greatest childhood or good parents that will make him know how to act like a child. He was on his own the whole time, yes, he had parents but they were like his boss more than mom and dad.
He wasn’t allowed to do anything that a normal child would normally do in their daily life. All he could do was just be a servant for his parents and get shouted at. If he didn’t do what his mom or dad wanted, he would get punishments. oh, those punishments were hell. Every wrongdoing had their own punishments too. Even if he didn’t do anything and everything was going smoothly, just knowing that he was living and existing in the same world as them was enough for his parents to give him harsh punishments.
Every time he does a mistake while dancing, he doesn’t eat dinner or anything. Sometimes not even drinking water. It become a habit after his parents and this become his own “punishment” that he gave to himself, every mistake was 10 minutes in a cold, dark room. The worst part was that it included the mistakes he did when they are learning a new choreo. It was because at any wrong movement, he can hear his mom and dad’s loud, scolding voice in his head that makes him get lightheaded every time.
He does remember all of the punishments clearly, including the pain he felt when he was a child. Sometimes he gets nightmares about those but it’s okay since nobody had even noticed it or questioned why he always got up in the middle of the night sweaty and ran to the bathroom to lock himself up to give himself a “well deserved” punishment. SEVENTEEN did have some questions about his actions and thought there was something wrong but as the years passed by, they just thought that was how he was. they were very wrong.
Chan was the first one to wake up in the morning at the whole dorm, another habit from his childhood. His parents never bothered to wake him up for important things such as school and some things he should never be late to. He yawned and rubbed his eyes with his hand. He quickly got out of the bed, not wanting to stay there longer than he should. He changed into his daily clothes and then walked to the bathroom with silent steps since he wasn’t allowed to accidentally wake up anyone or disturb their sleep according to himself.
He washed his face and brushed his face before heading to the kitchen to start making breakfast so other members wouldn’t have to deal with all the effort to make the breakfast. He noticed that he forgot to bring his phone with him, so he returned to his room and grabbed his phone and his headphones. After choosing a song, he started to get the ingredients and utensils ready.
A few members slowly started to wake up and get ready for their day while Chan was busy listening to his song that is playing in his headphones and doing the basic stuff such as setting up the table. Seokmin was the first one to wake up. After doing his daily morning routine he decided to head to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Instead of a quiet, empty kitchen he was met with the footsteps of Chan who was just dancing around and quietly singing along to the song he was listening to. It was obvious that he didn’t realize Seokmin was watching him with a little smile as he adored how cute Chan was. Seokmin leaned against the door frame and looked behind him without changing his position. Joshua was standing next to him, leaning and putting his chin on Seokmin’s shoulder.
“He is cute, isn’t he?” said Seokmin, giggling as he went back to watching their maknae dance to one of his favorite artist’s song. Joshua hummed and nodded, agreeing. They both watched the maknae perform, using the utensils as his microphones before placing it on the table. Wonwoo arrived after a few minutes. “What are you doing in the doorway?” he mumbled, constantly rubbing his face to wake up. “Look at Dino, we’re his audience.” said Joshua.
”If you are his audience, why is he dancing in front of the counter ?” Wonwoo asked, confused. Joshua and Seokmin both giggled at the confused Wonwoo. “Well, we are his audience but he just doesn’t know it yet. We are watching for like a few minutes now.” Seokmin explained to him. Wonwoo chuckled and started to watch Chan too.
Chan didn’t noticed he was being watched until he turned around on his heels. “Hi?” said Wonwoo to Chan who was froze when he saw them. They didn’t notice at first glance because of the distance between them but Chan’s eyes started to tear up as soon as he saw them. The punishments and the sound of his parents were playing over an over again as he spaced out.
“Hyungs, i-i’m sorry. I should’ve been more careful to not wake up any of you, im so sorry i promise i’ll do better next time i’m sorry-“ his apology was cut with pair of arms wrapped around him, stroking his back slowly. That was when he noticed he was on the floor, probably because of his knees gave out. He sobbed as he was clutching onto the person who was hugging him tightly like he was never going to let go. “I’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry…” he kept apologizing until he had to stop to catch his breath.
The person who was holding him was Seungkwan. He arrived just at the right time, when Chan’s knees gave out and he fell. He was the one to calm him down and not let go. While he tried his best to figure out why Chan was acting like this and talked to him slowly, the others went to wake up the members who were still asleep. It was pretty surprising since Chan’s crying and apologies were echoing in the whole dorm.
Wonwoo went to wake up Mingyu, Jihoon and Soonyoung; Joshua woke up Seungcheol, Jeonghan and Vernon. And Seokmin was going to wake up the rest even though only Junhui and Minghao were left. The person woke up went right into the kitchen to see if there was anything they could do to help their maknae.
After a very stressful and difficult morning, Chan fell asleep in Vernon’s arms since he was exhausted from crying and apologizing over and over again. Vernon placed him on his bed and then closed his door to block the noise they were probably going to do while talking. He sighed and turned around to walk into the living room. But instead of an empty one, he saw Joshua and Seokmin were standing there, the ones that saw Chan and watched what happen from the start.
“How is he, is he okay?” said Seokmin, nervous. “I wouldn’t say he’s okay but I think he’ll be better if we stay quiet and let him get a little rest and if he is not okay by then, we will need to have a serious talk.” said Vernon. They all three walked to the living room where everyone was sitting down and were stuck in their own mind. “How’s he doing ?” asked Seungcheol, the others were hoping that he was okay too.
”He should rest, he’s still shaken up a little bit.” said Joshua this time instead of Vernon, who looked like he was lost in his thoughts. “What exactly happened ?” Minghao was concerned but still wanted to know what caused this. The members attention were on the people who were there when that happened, waiting for an explanation worriedly.
“Chan was dancing and singing in the kitchen while Shua, Dokyeomie and I were watching him.” Wonwoo smiled at the sweet moments, his smile didn’t reach his eyes. “When he noticed we were watching him, he collapsed and started to apologize nonstop. Then Kwanie arrived and held him as he calmed down, then he kind of just passed out because of exhaustion i guess.”
Everyone was silent until Seungcheol got up and walked to the kitchen saying “I’ll let the company know we aren’t going to show up to the schedules and Chan needs a break.” Jeonghan and Jihoon followed him to the kitchen, not wanting to stay in the room with an atmosphere that can be cut with a knife.
Everyone just silently stood up and left the room after the others. Wonwoo and Mingyu went to Mingyu’s room together to calm themself down a bit. Soonyoung went to the kitchen to see what the company said about this. The rest went to Chan’s room to see if he woke up yet.
Chan woke up an hour later. He was confused at first, just remembering that he woke up earlier and shouldn’t be in bed at this time. He quickly remembered what happened when he saw Seungkwan holding his hand and peacefully sleeping next to him on a chair, using him as a pillow. O his other side, Vernon was sitting, focused on his phone since he didn’t notice that Chan woke up. Junhui and Minghao were on the other side of the room, talking quietly in Mandarin.
“Hyung?” Chan silently said, his throat was still hurting because of how much he talked nonstop an hour ago. Normally, he would just get up and pretend nothing happened but he knew his hyungs needed an explanation after what he did. Chan felt guilty, why did he have to make all of his members worried and take care of him? He had to buy them expensive apology gifts and make them food, clean the house for at least a month to let them know he was sorry for what he did.
Vernon immediately put down phone down and looked at the youngest with worried eyes. The other two was still talking, they were too focused in their conversation that they didn’t hear Chan. “Are you okay, Channie?” said Vernon, loud enough to get the attention fot he boys at the other side of the room. They stopped their conversation and made their way to Chan’s bed. “How are you feeling, Chan?” said Jun, waiting for a positive response.
Seungkwan woke up to their loud voice before Chan could respond. “Channie, you’re awake.” he said under his breath and hugged the younger. “I’m okay hyung, I’m sor-“ Soonyoung cut him off as he leaned against the door frame. “You are not apologizing, stop that. Come to the living room, we need an explanation.” He looked angry, sounded angry. But he just couldn’t control it even if he got warning looks from the other members around Chan.
He couldn’t express his emotions. Yes, he was sad and concerned. He just couldn’t sound like that, no matter how much he tried. A tear formed in his eye and fell. He quickly wiped it away and walked to the living room, to Jihoon specifically, and just collapsed onto Jihoon’s arms that was waiting for him, wide open. He was close to him because he was the only one that listened to him at late at night, in the studio. They sat close to each other and waited for others to arrive.
They all came to the living room after a few minutes. First Vernon, Jun came and others followed them frim the back, Seungkwan was supporting Chan since he couldn’t walk on his own with his still shaking legs. Seungkwan helped Chan to sit on the armchair in front of the couch where the other members were seated, it was obvious that it was placed there for Chan to sit. After making sure Chan is okay and placing a kiss on his forehead, he took a seat next to Jeonghan who stroke his back.
”I’m guessing you want an explanation?” Chan said, looking up to the members instead of staring at the floor. He started talking after receiving a nod from Seungcheol. “I didn’t have the best childhood, not that we couldn’t afford things or struggle with money or things like that. It’s more about my family.” He moved around on the chair uncomfortably, it was his first time talking to someone about it.
”I can’t say my parents were the best, ever since I was born, they made sure that I knew I wasn’t a good child and actually shouldn’t be born. When they noticed my mom was pregnant with me , they had the best relationship. They got married a year before my mom got pregnant and everything was going smoothly and in the best way possible. But since my mom was pregnant, she had a lot of anxiety issues and mood swings. Because of that, they started to have a lot of arguments. As the arguments got bigger, their love just disappeared.
The arguments were bad according to an old best friend my mom fell out with.She was the one to tell me about these when she was in the hospital bed and was going to die soon because of an illness. The whole pregnancy was full of fights and stress. When they wanted to get an abortion because they were getting a divorce, they realized it was too late and I needed to be born. They couldn’t get a divorce because they didn’t want me to always switch houses or grow up with one parents. Not that they were nice, they both wanted me and didn’t ant the other to have me.
So, they gave me punishments and argued all the time. They were suppose to divorce when i was born but they didn’t because it would be bad for their image. All of my childhood was full of punishments and fights. The punishments always changed. Sometimes it was starving, sometimes being locked in a dark room full of dust and insects, getting kicked out and having to spend the night in the street and it goes like that.
I only got rid of them when I auditioned. Well, not really but at least i stayed in the dorm so I wasn’t in the same house as them. They still called and texted me to make sure I didn’t forget that I shouldn’t have been born and was talentless, worth nothing. That is also why I try to stay at the dorms or visit someone else’s house when there are holiday breaks instead of visiting them.”
Chan sniffled, not noticing he started crying. Then he heard a muffled sob coming from front of him, he lifted his head and was met with at least half of the members crying silently. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-“ he was cut off by Soonyoung standing up from the couch, “Why did you didn’t talk to us about it before? Why, why why? We couldn’t help you Chan-ah, how are you still so strong, why didn’t you talk to us?” he screamed, tears running down his face. Jihoon stood up and gently pulled Soonyoung to himself.
As Jihoon hugged Soonyoung to calm him down, Jeonghan walked up to Chan. “Channie, let’s go to your room okay? Do you want everyone to be with you or you want to choose who’s going to be with you? It’ll be okay baby, no one is going to be offended, you can choose whoever you want.” Chan pointed at everyone. “Is it okay if we all gather our blankets, pillows and fluffy stuff here so we can be with everyone?” said Seungcheol standing next to Chan with Mingyu.
When Chan nodded; Minghao, Seokmin, Joshua and Junhui went to crab the blankets from everyone’s rooms. The rest stayed with Chan, especially Soonyoung and Seungkwan. Everyone knew Seungkwan was closer with Chan compare to the other members. He always went out with Chan and Chan was the first person he talked to if he had a problem.
But, Soonyoung was surprising. Soonyoung actually always have adored their maknae silently, he was always a fan of Chan’s joyful laugh and personality. His heart broke into pieces knowing that he never knew how to act like a child even if Seungkwan or any of them told him that he was allowed to act like one because he never got the chance to be one. Deep inside his thought, he promised himself that he will always let Chan know it’s okay to act and be a child.
When the other members brought the stuff they needed, they created a puddle of blankets, pillows and stuffed animals. They spend the rest of the day laying there, only getting up when they needed to eat or bring more stuff. They made sure that Chan relaxed and had a great time too. Before they fell asleep, everyone hugged Chan and cuddled together.