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Steve McGarrett has a lot of great things in his life. A loving husband, two beautiful stepchildren, his dream job, and the Governor of Hawai’i at his beck and call with a get out of jail free card. He has just discovered, most unfortunately, that he does not have immunity from having to complete HPD’s sexual harassment training.
Five-0 is not a part of the Honolulu Police Department (it is distinctly different, and directly responsible to the Governor) and Steve thought he was being helpful when he pointed this out. Duke very regretfully informed him that unless he wanted the Governor knowing about his sex life, he and Danny needed to do sexual harassment training. They hadn’t sexually harassed anyone, obviously, but he needed to get to the bottom of who reported them for inappropriate behaviour. There were four people in this office, not counting his husband and fellow victim.
Tani and Junior were still new, and jumpy. They could be easily spooked by how he and Danny sometimes got a little too handsy for a conventional office, but this isn’t a conventional office. Steve liked to think they would come to him, and both had a checkered past with HPD that made them unlikely suspects to report anything. Jerry is the exact opposite of a stickler for any rules. He isn’t reckless in the way Steve is, but he’s more likely to bury a code of conduct than follow it. That only left Lou, but he had been around Steve and Danny for years at this point. Steve can’t possibly think what would’ve changed, and he hadn’t noticed any changes in the Chicago native.
“Danno,” Steve calls out, poking his head out his office door when he sees his husband return from taking Grace and Charlie to school. Danny nods in acknowledgement, putting his few loose items on his own desk before moving into his husband's office.
“What’s wrong?” Danny immediately frowns when he steps into the larger office, getting a better look at the stressed and defeated face of his partner in every sense of the word.
“We, the two of us, have to do sexual harassment training,” Steve sighs exhaustedly as he looks up, leaning against his desk.
“We have to what? Did the Governor order this?” the shorter man asks defensively.
“ No ,” Steve shoots back immediately, “Duke came in and told me. He knows, we all know we’re not HPD, but someone reported us to HPD HR. And he says unless we comply with the procedure, then they’ll have no choice but to tell the Governor.”
“Reported us?!” Danny all but screeches, “we don’t have a HR department, because we don’t need one, because you have five employees, and you’re married to one of them.”
“I know—“
“What did they even report us for? We’re married ,” Danny almost wails.
“It’s vague, just inappropriate sexual conduct,” Steve sighs, exhausted.
“They don’t mean—“
“No!”
“Do they have to do it?” Danny asks, suddenly suspicious and gesturing to some of their colleagues who just arrived.
“I think Duke said there’ll be one group thing, but it’s mostly just us on the chopping block.”
“Of course it is, of course it is!” Danny cries out in dismay as he stalks out of the office with a groan.
******
“We don’t have a case yet today, which means we’re doing our job keeping crime off the island—“ Steve begins once everyone’s settled in with a coffee and read their emails, sometime before 10am.
“Or we just don’t have a body yet,” Lou supplies dryly.
“What are you doing? Optimism is my thing,” Danny replies sarcastically.
“So I thought we could start by talking about who reported Danny and I to HPD,” Steve grins, glancing around the now silent room. Danny groans so loud his family in New Jersey probably hears it.
“I used to ask if you were crazy, then I realised I was wasting my breath. You’re insane,” Danny stares at his husband incredulously, “Everyone, please, just don’t report us again because of whatever comes out of his mouth next. Am I not suffering enough being married to him?”
“Hey!” Steve protests, “I was just gonna say that we have to do at least one group training session on appropriate workplace behaviour, and I thought we could get a headstart.”
“I, um, I think it would be better if we waited for the trainer from HPD,” Junior finally speaks up, nervous. Just as Steve looks like he might say something a little defensive again, Tani jumps in.
“We don’t wanna have to do it twice,” she adds.
“You’ve both got things to say,” Danny hums, staring at them curiously.
“They didn’t report your asses to HPD, I did, and I’ll do it again,” Lou rolls his eyes.
“Something to say?” Steve puffs his chest out defensively, as if that makes any difference to anyone currently in the room with them.
“Who the hell are you peacocking for?” Lou snorts amusedly, “everyone of us have walked in on the two of you in your office in a various stage of sex, so I asked HPD what the options were.”
“We have not been in various stages of sex in the office, I can say with certainty,” Danny says firmly.
“You mean to say you haven’t had sex in the office?” Jerry asks, entirely unconvinced.
“I didn’t say that,” Danny mumbles.
“Then what did you do? Phase one in the car, two in the office and three on the roof? Please,” Lou laughs, “but because we’re not HPD, I couldn’t formally report you. We’re all doing sexual misconduct training, but there’s no record of it or your misconduct.”
“What do you mean not HPD? You and Danny are both HPD,” Steve replies confusedly.
“Oops, must’ve forgotten,” Lou replies faux innocently.
“Forgotten? Our names are next to each other on the HPD arrest report of every single perp Five-0 catch,” Danny throws his hands up.
“I think what Captain Grover means…” Jerry hums, raising his eyebrows knowingly.
“I threw you a bone, because I like having a job and didn’t think the Governor of Hawai’i knowing how often you treated the nicest office on the island as a brothel was gonna help me keep it,” Lou answers dryly, “now if you could not commit anymore acts of ‘misconduct’ before training, we would all appreciate it.”
“Alleged misconduct! Innocent until proven guilty,” Danny defends himself and his husband.
******
The day had arrived, the following week, for the team’s appropriate workplace behaviour seminar. Steve and Danny had to follow up the group seminar with one just for the two of them, to dive deeper and reflect, but right now they were all sitting uncomfortably in a conference room.
“Why,” Danny sighs, glancing between Tani and Junior, “do you look like that? You brought this on.”
“We did not know there would be group sessions,” Tani defends herself.
“Someone order malasadas?” a familiar voice offers, the group looking up to see a head poking through the door.
“Chin Ho Kelly, as I live and breathe,” Lou grins, standing up to welcome their old friend into a hug.
“Hey! What are you doing here?” Steve smiles.
“Wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Chin laughs, placing the bag of warm fried doughnuts on the table.
“You—you flew all the way from San Francisco to watch Steve and I be lectured about our extracurricular activities?” Danny gawks, insulted.
“I’ve known you the longest, figured I could be helpful,” Chin winks.
“Hello everyone, welcome to the Honolulu Police Department’s Appropiate Workplace Behaviour training. At the request of the team, today we will primarily focus on behaviour regarding intimate relationships.” The trainer steps into the room and begins immediately, causing Danny to let out the longest sigh of his life and slump into his chair. The trainer clearly isn’t supposed to single anyone out. She talks about how workplace romances are common, and can be done respectfully, but that doesn’t change the general standards of behaviour expected in the office. Things become personal as soon as the trainer opens up the floor for group participation.
“Inappropriate workplace behaviour is having sex in an office with glass walls,” Tani supplies with a disappointed look on her face.
“All sexual behaviour is inappropriate in the workplace,” the trainer says concernedly.
“Even when it’s in the basement,” Jerry interjects.
“We haven’t had sex in the basement!” Danny defends them immediately.
“No one is making any direct accusations, Detective Williams,” the trainer adds calmly.
“Yes we are,” Lou snorts.
“Inappropriate workplace behaviour is your boss accidentally sexting you things meant for his husband,” Junior mumbles nervously.
“That was a direct accusation!” Steve protests.
“Dick pics? Really Steve?” Lou grimaces.
“There weren’t any photos,” Steve hisses. Danny lets out an exasperated sigh, as Steve realises he just indirectly admitted to texting Junior something meant for Danny’s eyes only.
“I think this has brought up a great point, that inappropriate behaviour can be just words. If they’re sexual in nature, they’re still inappropriate in the workplace,” the trainer deflects, clearly not having realised what she was in for when she agreed to this group.
“We’re married ,” Danny rolls his eyes.
“It’s inappropriate in the workplace. Let’s define the workplace.”
The workplace behaviour training goes far too long, ending just after 3pm. Chin had sat silently through most of it, but immediately stood up when the trainer walked out of the room.
“She seemed lovely, but it’s time for some Steve and Danny specific training,” Chin says with a coy smile as he makes his way to the front of the room.
“Absolutely not, this is harassment,” Steve barks back.
“Danny,” Chin says warningly.
“Babe… just let him,” Danny says softly.
“Lesson one,” Chin grins, “Steve is a Navy SEAL. Hard exterior, won't listen to you. Once called Five-0 a benevolent dictatorship.”
“The lesson is give up?” Jerry asks confusedly.
“With Steve, yes. Danny does not see or experience the hard exterior.”
“I can’t believe I’m being made to listen to this,” Steve grumbles bitterly.
“So take up issues with Danny? Man, this is helpful,” Lou grins.
“Exactly,” Chin smiles victoriously.
“His point is that you only love me babe, it’s okay,” Danny reassures his pouting husband with a kiss.
“You’re like a magician,” Tani says in awe, staring at the husbands.
“Now, you can’t stop the sex,” Chin sighs, “but you can minimise it.”
“We’re right here!” Danny retorts.
“If they’re having a lot of office sex it means they’re overworking,” Chin points out, ignoring Danny, “don’t let them spend so many hours here.”
“How do we stop that? They’re in charge,” Junior points out.
“They don’t need much encouragement, just a reminder,” Chin chuckles.
“We’re still right here!” Steve interjects.
“How did you learn all this? Who gave you the handbook?” Tani hums.
“Trial and unfortunate error,” the former team member chuckles, “but I think it helps that Kono and I were around to witness the start of the relationship. You guys got thrown in the deep end.”
“I will drown you in the deep end of your hotel pool,” Danny grumbles.
“Could’ve saved that poor woman the trauma,” Lou grins, “pity you couldn’t save us.”