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Sam stood alone outside of the motel he and Dean were staying at, Dean was off for a beer run and Sam thought it would be a good moment to have some “me-time”. Sam needed the rest from such a crazy week, it’s not everyday you have to kill a Greek goddess because a group of teenage girls were performing a musical about your life. His life was wild and unexpected but this was up there with being in a time loop and getting sent to a universe where he was an actor on a show called “Supernatural”. But Sam was content with it, just another day at the office. Sam’s mind wandered somewhere else regarding the musical, not about its contents but about things that happened off stage. Dean had told him about “Destiel”, a relationship between Dean and Castiel, and that some of the cast and crew “shipped” them. Sam found it funny when Dean got defensive about trying to change the name, he even suggested the name of him and Castiel being together, “Sastiel”. Sam had known about shipping because of Becky, but he always saw it in a negative light because people were shipping him with his own brother. Sam had only ever come around to the idea of shipping when Charlie would talk about Xena and Gabriella from “Xena: Warrior Princess”. Hearing that people want to see his brother and Castiel amused Sam, if only they knew the truth.
Sam reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, looked through his contacts to find Castiel’s name and called him. He had to talk about what happened just from how ridiculous it was. Castiel sounded frantic when answering the phone:
[Start of call]
CASTIEL: Sam! Is everything alright?
SAM: Hello to you too, Cas. Everything’s fine- I’m fine. Dean’s doing well, for the most part.
CASTIEL: I’m sorry. That’s good to hear. Is he there now?
SAM: No, he left to get some beers.
CASTIEL: Ok. What did you want to discuss?
SAM: I wanted to talk about the craziest thing I’ve ever seen this week. You remember the books about our lives? The ones Chuck wrote?
CASTIEL: I do remember.
SAM: Well, a group of high schoolers decided to put on a musical based on those books. And there was real production value and effort behind it, which is what baffles me. There was dancing, singing, and they even had someone play you-
CASTIEL: Someone played me in a musical?
SAM: Yeah they did [laughs] . You even had a solo about waiting for your cue at a bus stop.
CASTIEL: I do remember doing that. Minus the singing of course.
SAM: But, it goes deeper than that. Apparently, Dean told me this, some of the people in the musical want you and Dean to be in a relationship. They call it “Destiel”.
CASTIEL: Me and Dean? Together? I never would have considered it… Dean’s a good person but I always assumed that he wasn’t interested.
SAM: That’s what I thought too, but he seemed to get defensive when he talked about it. Who knows what he’s thinking.
CASTIEL: You're right.
SAM: But that name got me thinking, what would our name be? I asked Dean about that, I came up with “Samstiel” and “Sastiel” which made him more defensive. I think I prefer “Sastiel”, it has a nice ring to it.
CASTIEL: I think I prefer the latter one too… But Sam, you know that the bond we share doesn't need a name. You know how much I love you.
SAM: [sighs] Yeah, I know, and I love you too. I just thought it was a cute idea, that’s all.
CASTIEL: I didn’t mean to sound dismissive, I do think it is cute.
SAM: That’s good.
A beat passed between them when neither of them spoke. They both wanted to say something but this moment of silence made it hard to say what they really wanted to talk about. Sam shifted his posture, getting the phone closer to his mouth before continuing the conversation. His voice was softer now, an intimate whisper.
SAM: …I’ve been missing you a lot lately.
CASTIEL: [sighs] Sam...
SAM: I guess me coming up with that name was me subconsciously wanting to be with you.
CASTIEL: I’m missing you too, but my work with Hannah right now is too important to stop.
SAM: I know it is. I’m just feeling a bit selfish, wanting you all to myself right now. To be in your arms as you embrace me, kissing me- loving me [sighs] … I want you so bad.
CASTIEL: …I want you too.
SAM: I can’t wait to give you the biggest kiss when this is all done.
CASTIEL: I would enjoy that.
Sam smiled to himself. He then could hear the dreaded sound of the Impala’s engine from around the corner, indicating that his conversation with Castiel had to come to an end.
SAM: Crap, I have to go. Dean’s coming.
CASTIEL: That’s disappointing but I understand. Say hi to him for me.
SAM: Of course I will. Love ya.
CASTIEL: I love you too Sam. Good bye.
SAM: Bye.
[End of call]
Dean drove through the car park of the motel, swiftly manoeuvring the car into the parking space in front of their room and parked it. He turned off the engine and slid out of the car, six-pack of beer in his hand. Dean observed the look on Sam’s face, he knew something was off from the way Sam was smiling.
“What’s up with the smile? Your face is all glad-looking,” Dean asked, stepping up to him.
“Oh, it’s nothing,” It wasn’t.
Dean placed the six-pack on the ground and slid one of the bottles out of the cardboard case, reached for the bottle opener on his keys and popped open the cap of the bottle. Sam reached down to take one of the bottles, Dean offered to open it for him.
“Actually, I just got off the phone with Cas,” Sam continued. His admission to talking to Castiel made him feel guilty, not that he was talking to him behind Dean’s back but that Sam wasn’t being honest about his true feelings. The whole “Sastiel” thing earlier was a way for him to test the waters, to introduce that idea slowly to Dean.
“Oh really? I guess that explains the smile,” Dean took a sip of his beer, “How is our little angel?”
“He’s fine, he says hi by the way,”
“So what did you guys talk about?” Dean asked.
“I told him about what we went through today, about the musical and all,” Sam explained.
And that I miss him so much it hurts Sam thought.
“Kids, man, crazy,” Dean scoffed.
“I’d drink to that,” Sam said. Dean clinked Sam’s bottle in agreement and they both took a sip of their beers.
Their conversation continued, but Sam wasn’t paying attention. He couldn’t stop thinking about Castiel, knowing that he’s out there missing him and waiting for him, it was eating Sam alive. It was even worse now that he was talking to Dean, someone who is unaware of their relationship. Sam wanted nothing more than to explain to his brother his true feelings about Castiel, he didn’t want to be faced with confusion or ridicule from his brother. He didn’t want the questions to start: the whats, the whens, the whys. Sam’s love life was always in question whenever Dean would bring it up, the same questions just about different people; and Castiel wouldn’t be an exception. Maybe for the time being it would be best to not talk about it, even if it would make it easier for the both of them. There’s a time and place for everything.
If only he knew the truth.