Chapter Text
For as long as Tooru could remember, he felt he was missing something. Like he was incomplete. He didn't know what, and people looked at him like he was crazy whenever he tried to explain it. He mostly kept to himself. He had friends, of course, but he wasn't close to any of them. He never seemed to click with them like they would with each other. Playing with them would just make him sad. He could never explain it, but it always felt like he abandoned someone by playing with them. So, keeping to himself, it was. He played make-believe in the sandbox. Pretending he was a Greek God or a mermaid or a prince. He never actually mentioned anyone else, but he always felt like someone was there playing with him. It was comforting.
As he got older and outgrew playing pretend, the empty feeling worsened. Tooru felt like instead of missing something, he was missing someone. But how could he miss someone he had never met? It didn't make sense. So, he just ignored the feeling. Ignored how it felt like a vital part of him was gone.
In middle school, Tooru started playing volleyball. He loved it. He finally felt like he belonged somewhere. He fit. It never wholly erased the missing feeling, but at least it was more manageable. He still didn't have anyone he felt close to. So, he threw himself into volleyball. He practiced long hours daily, enjoying the feel of the ball on his hands and arms, loving the slight soreness after a good practice. He practiced more than anyone else, and it paid off. Tooru got good. By his second year on the team, he was the starting setter and one of the best players. With each successful set, the missing feeling faded a little more. His coaches and teammates praised him, making him glow with pride. Maybe he was just meant to have volleyball. He didn't need anyone else. He was good at volleyball. It made him happier than anything else.
But he still wasn't good enough. There were still players he couldn't beat whose skill towered over his own. Players who seemed untouchable. One game introduced him to one such player. Ushijima. He was everything Tooru wanted to be, and Tooru hated him for it.
His team lost to Ushijima's.
They didn't even take a single set.
Then, in his third year, Kageyama Tobio joined the team. After a few short practices, it was apparent he was good, incredible, actually. Kageyama was a genius. Almost as good as Tooru himself. Even the coaches could see it. As Tooru watched him grow, the empty feeling crept back. He hated it. Seeing Kageyama's skill rapidly increase caused Tooru's insecurities to rear their ugly head and the emptiness to return worse than before.
Volleyball wasn't a good enough distraction from it anymore. Tooru started practicing more than ever, spending hours before and after team practices with a volleyball, honing his skills however he could. He ignored his aching body, ignored the pain in his joints, and kept practicing. It wasn't enough; Kageyama was still improving faster than him. It all came to a peak in a practice match. Tooru was exhausted. He kept messing up his sets; he couldn't get anything right; he didn't understand what was happening.
Then he got subbed out.
Kageyama was put in.
Tooru was put on the bench.
Tooru felt his world crash around him. He didn't need friends because he had volleyball. It was okay if he missed out on those connections because he was meant to be the best at volleyball. That had to be the reason. But he wasn't the best. Because Kageyama was in. And he was on the bench.
So, what did that say about him?
After the game, everyone went home, but Tooru stayed in the gym. If he wasn't good enough, he would just practice until he was. If he worked hard enough and practiced for long enough, eventually, it would make a difference. It had to. What else could he do? He hit serve after serve. If he couldn't beat Kageyama's sets, he would just have to beat his serves. He had to stay ahead. He had to be the best. He had to stay in the game.
"Oikawa-san," A voice jolted him from his thoughts. "Please teach me how to serve."
He glanced over. Kageyama Fucking Tobio. Of course, it was. He was always there.
Tooru needed him to get away. It was Ushijima all over again.
He could never beat him.
He couldn't beat either of them.
They would always be there,
just out of reach,
mocking him.
He would never catch up.
They needed to get away from him.
Leave him alone.
His eyes refocused on Kageyama.
Why was he here?
He shouldn't be there.
He needed to get away.
He needed to stay away.
He saw red and swung before his mind could catch up with what he was doing.
He felt his hand collide with Kageyama's face. Felt the sting on his palm. So similar to the sting from serving a volleyball.
But so different.
Tooru looked at his hand. Then, at Kageyama's face. A red mark was already blooming. He just stared.
He couldn't move.
Couldn't say anything.
What had he done?
Why had he done that?
He needed to say something.
Anything.
Apologize.
Make it better.
Fix it.
But he couldn't.
Instead, he just stared.
Kageyama moved first. He ran out of the gym, the doors slamming behind him. Tooru just stared at the spot where he'd been. He didn't know how long he stood there. It must have been a while because when he finally moved, his muscles felt stiff. Or maybe that was just from practicing and the game. He wasn't sure.
He grabbed his bag, still in a daze, and walked home. His mom didn't say anything when he got home. Food was waiting for him in the kitchen, but he ignored it and went straight to bed.
The next day at practice, Kageyama had a bruise on his cheek. It was barely noticeable, but Tooru couldn't look at him. The coach and team manager seemed concerned. They pulled Kageyama aside during practice. Tooru was sure they meant to leave everyone's earshot, but he could still hear the conversation.
"Are you alright?" The coach asked.
"Yeah, I'm fine."
"There's a bruise on your cheek. Who did that? Are you safe at home?" Their manager took over.
"Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" He seemed uncomfortable. Tooru held his breath, waiting for him to tell them who did. But he didn't.
"Then who hit you?"
"No one, I tripped and hit my face." Tooru dropped the ball he was holding. Why was he lying? He had nothing to gain from this. He should just come clean. Then Tooru would be kicked off the team, and Kageyama would be the full-time setter.
"The mark looks like a hand," their manager pried gently. "If you aren't safe at home, we can help, but you need to tell us."
"I really did just trip. It's fine. I'm not in any danger."
"Then who hit you?"
"I did." Tooru doesn't know why he spoke up. He could have gotten away with it. Kageyama gave him the perfect opportunity to do so. But something made him speak up. Maybe it was guilt. The missing feeling slightly eased when he did, so maybe it was the right thing to do.
The coach and manager turned to him, surprised. "You did?" Tooru nodded. Feeling less brave now.
"Last night. I stayed late to practice. I got in my head, Kageyama approached me and I saw red. I hit him before I even realized what I was doing. Not that I'm making excuses for my actions, I'm just explaining them." He bowed to the three of them. "I'm sorry and I'll accept whatever punishment you see fit."
"I won't kick you from the team, but you will be benched for the rest of the season. You can still come to practice, but you won't play in any games."
Tooru nodded and bowed again. "Okay. I understand." He ignored the hurt and panic coursing through him. He deserved this. At least he hadn't been kicked off the team. That was more than he could have hoped for. He could be fine just practicing. The coach and manager left, leaving Tooru alone with Kageyama. He still couldn't look at him. So, he looked at the ground while he spoke. "Want me to teach you how to serve?"
"Really?" The happiness in Kageyama's voice startled him enough to look up.
"Yeah, if you want me to," Tooru confirmed. Kageyama nodded eagerly. "I'm surprised you want anything to do with me."
“You’re amazing Oikawa-san! I want to learn from you! And you apologized, and it seemed genuine, so I forgive you."
Tooru just stared at him. Kageyama stared back expectantly. "Right okay, so, your serve," he started off. Kageyama watched him, hanging off his every word. "Um, show me how you do it now, and I can give you some pointers after."
"Ok! Thank you, Oikawa-san!" He grabbed a ball and ran to the corner of the court. He looked over at Tooru to make sure he was watching. Tooru gave a thumbs up. Kageyama nodded to himself and got ready to serve. Tooru watched as he tossed the ball up and spiked it down onto the opposite side of the net with a loud thwap as it hit the ground just out of bounds. Kageyama looked down, frustrated.
"That was good Kageyama-chan!" He hummed and walked over to him. "Next time, let the ball rest against your hand slightly before continuing the swing. It will help with the accuracy without diminishing the power too much."
Stars shone in the kid's eyes. "Thank you Oikawa-san!" He bowed, and Tooru ruffled his hair.
"No problem. If you're taking my place as the starting setter, you'll need to be at your best." He tried to keep the bitterness from his voice. He was going to help. It was the least he could do, but it was still hard. If Kageyama noticed, he didn't say anything.
The rest of his last year of middle school passed by quickly. Kageyama didn't tell anyone about what happened that night, but the news somehow spread. Tooru's popularity took a hit. No one seemed to care that Kageyama was more attached to him than before. They just heard what Tooru did and resented him for it.
Tooru did his best to ignore it. He did his best to push away how much it hurt to sit out at games. He kept going to practice and helping Kageyama with serves and sets. He still practiced for hours outside of team practices. He couldn't play in any of the games in middle school, but he needed to keep his skills sharp for high school.
Before he knew it, it was the last game of the season. Kageyama and the team played wonderfully. Tooru cheered on his team, pushing aside his resentment and envy. They won, but he couldn't bring himself to feel happy about it. He put on a fake smile and congratulated his team until he could slip away to the bathroom. He stared at his reflection, knuckles white from how hard he clutched the sink. Tears spilled from his eyes before he could stop them. He wiped them away angrily. He should have been out there with his team. It should have been him setting the winning spike, making those service aces, and winning the tournament. Why did he have to fuck up so badly? The bathroom door swung open. Tooru splashed his face with water, trying to hide the evidence of his crying.
"Oikawa-san?"
"Tobio-chan!" Tooru spun around, his smile back on his face. He lifted the hem of his jersey to dry off his face. "You played well; you've improved a lot."
"Thanks, Oikawa-san, Coach said to come find you. We're heading back to the buses."
Tooru walked over and swung his arm around Kageyama's shoulders. "Let's go then; we don't want to keep them waiting."