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JYP entertainment’s old building is drowning in dust.
The walls are yellow and kissed by mold. The emergency lights are still on in some sections, while the rest of the light bulbs are shattered and laying on the floor like fallen stars. Tags are covering every available space and forgotten furniture are adoring empty room; vestiges of a past that is no more.
Chan should have expected the building to be in such a state. He knew that it has been abandoned for years now and that JYP hadn’t any plans on selling it or starting any renovation. He knew and yet, the memory of the well taken care of building is still too fresh in his wind to expect spider webs and rotting ceilings.
His chest caves in itself as he walks through the hallways. His footsteps echo back to him like a mocking orchestra. It tears him apart, to see a place that was once so loved, reduced to a junk of trash. Is this what is going to happen to him? Now that he’s no longer a leader? No longer the oldest team member and the group’s main producer? Will he be left behind? Abandoned? Left to rot like a decaying corpse? Like this building?
Their old practice room is far smaller than Chan remembers it to be. This is where the survival show was filmed. This is where they practiced until their bodies gave up on them. This is where they cried and laughed and screamed at one another. This is where so many dreams were born and where so many died. This is where Chan’s dream came to life, and this is where he wants it to end. This is where he’ll bury it. Where he’ll grieve it and mourn it.
The floor cracks when he lowers down his weight on it. The broken mirror facing him shows him his sitting body, laying heavily against the wall behind him. The windows to his right allow the last sunlights to filter through.
Chan shouldn’t be here. Not when the night is so close. He rationally knows that it isn’t safe, but this place was his home for so long, that fearing it is unimaginable. This practice room was his bedroom and his classroom, and his workplace, and his kitchen and his living room. This is where he worked and where he studied and ate and slept and played. He has every right to stay. Every right to remain here for as long as he wishes.
And so Chan sits there, on the dusty floor, and stares into nothingness for a long moment. He stares and stares, and stares until a ray of light comes to blind his eye and he’s forced to blink and look away.
He thought that he’d cry. That he would wail and sob. That his walls will crumble to the ground after staying strong for so long. Because Chan had swallowed down his tears when Changbin and Minho fought the company and swore that they won’t renew their contract. He kept the sobs in when Hyunjin and Felix claimed that they have far more appealing offers elsewhere. He had forced his hands not to shake when Seungmin stated that he won’t stay if all his members aren’t. Chan remained in control even when the company claimed that they didn’t want to renew Jeongin’s contract. He had blinked away his blurred vision when Jisung had screamed at them to burn his if that’s how they’ll treat their youngest. He had stopped himself from crying and fighting and cursing so many times over the past month that he thought he’ll break once he’s alone. He thought that his sorrow will shatter him, but Chan fails to even feel his heartbeats.
He should have known. He should have expected this. Sana and Bambam had told him repeatedly that renewing the group’s contract is far more difficult than anyone thinks it is. That things could go to hell even with everyone’s best intentions. They had told him, had warned him, but Chan didn’t want to believe them. He didn’t because Stray Kids are different. His members are different. None of them wanted to leave. Not a single one of them wanted to terminate their contract. They all wished to renew. They were all desperate to go on, as Stray Kids, as one, for as long as possible, but— but—
Now here they are. The night before they’re officially disbanded. The last few hours before Stray Kids becomes a was. Before they will no longer be referred to as are or will but as were.
Chan shouldn’t be this selfish. He should be happy for his members. They will be better off somewhere else, in other companies who will treat them better and offer them greater opportunities. He should be with them right now, helping them pack, congratulating them, comforting them and celebrating their wonderful career as a group. He should be making calls for himself and thinking of what will become of him now that he is no longer Stray Kids’ Chan but simply— Chan.
He should and yet, his body is heavy. His mind is heavy. His heart is heavy. He can’t move. Can’t think. Can’t feel anything other than crushing loss. He doesn’t want to think about him without them. He doesn’t want to make plans for a single person and think of what’s the best for him and not them. Who is Bhang Christopher Chan? Who is the man that is not a leader? Who is not a member and not Stray Kids? Chan forgot. He had forced himself to forget because that Chan was alone. That Chris was lonely and— and not okay.
Tomorrow, Chan too will sign his termination contract. Tomorrow, he will leave, because JYP is not a place he wants to stay in without his members. Because he doesn’t want to remain behind. Not again. Tomorrow, he too will leave. He doesn’t know where. Or to do what. But Tomorrow, tomorrow Chan will pack his bags and not look behind. Tomorrow, Chan will be alone.
The door cracks open and Chan doesn’t even find it in himself to startle.
The old wood is pushed to the side to leave place to a hesitant looking Jisung. And for a moment, Chan wonders if he isn’t hallucinating. He looks so similar to the way he looked 10 years ago, during that first day in this very same practice room. When he was so young and so full of passion and dreams.
His face immediately relaxes when he spots Chan by the wall. “I knew you’d be here.” He says before carefully closing the door behind him and walking further into the room. He sits cross-legged by his side. “You’ve always been the nostalgic type.”
“I am.” Chan says, and as if his eyes were waiting for this exact moment to do so, he tears up. Jisung is no longer his. He’s no longer his member. His rapper. His producer. He’s just Jisung now. And Chan is just Chan.
Jisung tilts his head to have a better look at his face. He’s frowning in worry. “Are you okay?”
Instead of answering him, Chan glares down at his shoes and says, “I’m sorry for not coming home.” he apologies. “I know that we were planning on hanging out and going out but I— I—” He hesitantly stares up at Jisung. “I couldn’t stand being there and be haunted by the thought that every moment is our last. That it’s our last breakfast together and our last lunch and our last movie night and our last restaurant and—” He inhales sharply and looks away. “and all of that.”
“You know that we’re not dying right?” Jisung reaches to put his hand on his shoulder. “This is not the end. We can still meet up even after disbanding and hang out.”
The word comes out like a curse. It’s as if someone had grabbed a knife and stabbed Chan through the chest. His cheeks heat up in shame as he tries to explain himself. He knows that he’s overacting. That he’s overwhelmed and feeling, thinking, too much. He should have known that Jisung wouldn’t understand. That no one will. “I know that b-but it won’t be the same. We will all be busy with our solo activities. It’ll be hard to meet up.”
There’s a moment of silence before Jisung sighs. He brings back his hand to his lap and slumps against the wall. “You’re right,” he pauses. “Of course you’re right. I just— I just didn’t want to admit it to myself. I wanted to believe so badly that nothing will change.”
“If this is really the end,” Chan turns to Jisung. “If we ever drift apart after this, if life tears us away from one another,”
“It won’t.” Jisung firmly responds. “It won’t. I won’t let it.”
“If it does,” Chan insists, “then I want to thank you. I want you to know how grateful I am for you.” He offers a sad smile. “Thank you for giving me back that passion. For reminding him how to fight. I owe you my whole career.”
Jisung shakes his head. His eyes are drowning in tears. “No.” He furiously wipes his eyes. “No, you did that yourself. You stood up on your own. You fought for yourself. Don’t give that credit to anyone.”
Chan is about to protest when the door cracks open yet again. “Are you two planning a murder or something?” Jeongin teases as he advances toward them.
“What are you doing here?” Jisung clears his throat and blinks the remaining tears away.
Jeongin sits on Chan’s opposite side and faces Jisung with crossed arms. “You think that you’re the only one who knows Chan Hyung’s hiding spots?” He raises his eyebrows and playfully adds, “You’re not that special Han Jisung.”
Jisung starts loudly protesting while Chan crackles a laugh.
They tease one another for a moment before a peaceful silence settles between them.
“I’m sorry for all of this.” Jeongin declares after a long minute. “If I had been good enough, if I worked harder, then maybe JYP would have renewed my contract. Then maybe we wouldn’t have—”
“None of what’s happening is your fault.” Chan firmly states. “Even if Changbin, Minho and Jisung didn’t fight with the company, even if Felix and Hyunjin weren’t offered a better contract and even if Seungmin did want to stay, things wouldn’t have worked out anyway. The new contract that JYP offered us was too—”
“Shitty.” Jisung completes in his stead.
Chan nods, but Jeongin still refuses to meet their eyes. “Don’t let them define your value, Innie.” Chan adds while squeezing his shoulder.
Jeongin looks up and offers him a tentative smile. “I won’t.”
Upon his words, the door opens again, and this time, Jisung shoots up to the roof from surprise.
“Ha, ha!” Hyunjin victoriously shouts. “I knew you’d be here!” A loud bang resonates from somewhere down the hall. Hyunjin dismissively points behind him. “Changbin Hyung cheated. Just to let you know.”
“I did not!” Changbin staggers behind him. “I tracked down his location. That was smart!”
Chan frowns at the newcomers. “What are you two doing here?” He asks the same time as Jisung who shouts in faked offence, “You tracked us down? How?”
“He installed a tracking app in our phones.” Jeongin informs. “Stalker much, if you want ask my opinion.”
Changbin shrugs as he sits before Chan. “I want to be able to know where you guys are at all times now that we— that—”
“That we’re disbanding.” Hyunjin says in his stead. He’s walking around the practice room and examining it, as though he could find a hidden memory under the dust. “It’s still hard to say it. To believe it.”
There’s a moment of silence before Hyunjin comes to sit next to Changbin who says, “I’m sorry for loosing my tempter and fighting the company.”
“And I’m sorry for being– interested by another offer.” Hyunjin apologizes and shamefully glares down at the floor. “I feel like— like a traitor.”
Chan is about to say something when Felix passes through the door.
“While we’re on the subject,” he says like he didn’t just appear out of nowhere, “I want to apologize too.” He bits his lips. “I shouldn’t have put other selfish plans over Stray Kids. I shouldn’t have even considered that offer.”
Chan shakes his head while Jisung grabs Felix’s hand to make him sit beside him. He latches into him like an octopus. “None of us could have helped what happened. We tried. We all tried.” He says. “We all wanted to stay together.” He inhales sharply and sighs. “But I guess disbandment was inevitable.”
None of them say anything for a long minute. The air is heavy and charged.
“How did you know where to find us?” Chan asks Felix in an attempt to lighten the mood.
“I was looking for you.” Felix confesses. “Jeongin told me where you were.”
Chan’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “Why?”
Changbin frowns at him as if it is obvious enough. “We’re all here for you Hyung.” He tells him. “I wasn’t tracking Jisung or Jeongin. I was trying to find you.”
Chan gaps at them. “I— what?”
“Channi Hyung?” Seungmin’s voice reaches then from the lower floors. “Channi Hyung! Are you here?”
Changbin hurriedly stands up to go find him.
“We really didn’t plan this or anything.” Hyunjin explains. “I didn’t know that the other guys were here either. I just— I just wanted to check up on you and apologize. I know how— how much Stray Kids meant to you.”
Chan’s eyes start burning and his vision blurs over. “It meant a lot to all of us.”
Felix sadly smiles. “It did. Of course it did.”
“But you’ve fought for this team for so long. You’ve worked so much to bring us where we are today.” Jisung adds.
Jeongin’s voice cracks when he says, “And we messed everything up.”
Seungmin walks into the room then. “What are you all doing here?” He asks while looking at their sorrowful faces. “Am I not the only one who wanted to talk with Hyung?”
“Wait in line.” Changbin teases while sitting back in his spot.
“Your phone is on mute by the way.” Seungmin informs Chan before sitting between Changbin and Felix.
Chan takes his phone out of his pocket. It’s then that he notices the several missed calls from his members. “Sorry I didn’t notice.” He’s about to call back Minho when the phone rings again. The dancer’s name appears on the screen.
Chan excuses himself before answering.
“Where are you?” Minho frustratingly asks. “I’ve been calling for hours!”
Chan winces. “I’m sorry, I didn’t notice.”
“Where are you?” Minho asks again. He sounds out of breath, as if he has been walking around for a long while.
“I’m in the company.” He informs. “The old one. The abandoned building.”
There’s a pause, before Minho says. “I’ll bring takeout.”
Chan smiles, thankful that Minho didn’t ask him why he is here. “Bring eight.”
Minho breathes out a laugh. “I will.”
---
It’s dark by the time he gets there.
They turn on their flashlights and let themselves bath by the artificial light, the moonlight and the streetlight by the windows.
“I want to reminiscence all of our good memories. To make this last night joyful but I— I feel like I’m being suffocated by a rock.” Hyunjin confesses. “I can’t say anything happy.”
“I feel that way every time I think of my solo career.” Jeongin confesses. “I feel like I’m going to die from boredom.”
“How can I ever perform alone for hours.” Felix stresses out. “The pressure will crush me.”
Chan hums. “I’m sure we can find some pros, can’t we?” He says, trying to lift up the mood. “When you have a solo concert, everyone in the audience is there for only you. I feel like that’s special.”
“Who would even want to see me perform though?” Changbin scoffs a bitter laugh. “My stage presence and what I have to offer on my own is nowhere near as great as when we’re all together.”
“Don’t say that.” Minho scolds. “You would fill up a stadium in no time. You’re the Seo Changbin.”
Seungmin plays with his noddles. “I have all of those fears too. I do.” He admits. “But that’s not why I’m sad that we’re disbanding. I just— I just wished that we’d stayed together, as a group, for longer.”
“Me too.” Chan admits while fixing his own bowl of food. “I’m still so hungry for everything that we could have done and achieved together. I’m still— so desperate for more.” His heart beats in his throat and his chest aches and tightens. “I am not—” he tries to swallow down the wave of grieve that threatens to suffocate him, but thick tears are already falling on his lap. “I am not ready to say goodbye.”
No one says anything, but the sniffles and suppressed sobs that echo against the walls are an answer of their own.
“I wanted to go on a world tour. I wanted to visit every country, every city that there is to see.” Minho tearfully claims. “I wanted to do it together.”
Jeongin scoffs a laugh while wiping his eyes. “This is ridiculous. Seven years are nothing. I didn’t get enough of us. Of Stray Kids.”
“I was so sure, so certain that this wouldn’t be our end,” Seungmin tells them with a voice broken by sobs. His forehead is pressed against Changbin’s shoulder who’s gently patting his back from where he’s side hugging him. “that I failed to enjoy our last moments as a group.”
“You guys are so fucking depressing.” Felix says even though his thumbs are pressed against his eyes to stop his own cries. “My eyes will be so swollen tomorrow because of all of you.”
His statement manages to tear a small laugh from the group. Chan fondly smiles at him, at all of them. He forces himself to be positive, even if his own insides are being torn apart. “Lix’s right. Let’s try to be positive.” He proposes. “At least now, we can do and say whatever we want.” He takes in a deep breath to collect himself. “We won’t have to run our songs and concepts by JYP anymore. We can release what we want.”
“And we can curse as much as we want.” Seungmin adds to which Hyunjin loudly laughs at.
The latter’s eyes wrinkle as he smiles despite the tears in them. “And we can travel and take as much breaks as we want.” He runs a hand through his face. “No more 5am filming.”
There’s a moment of silence before Jisung says, “Remember when we had to film Maniac early in the morning and you wouldn’t wake up?”
“Channi Hyung had to lift you on his back all the way to the car, and then to the filming set.” Minho reminiscence amongst the small laughers that raises.
“And I liked every second of it.” Chan reassures before Hyunjin can apologize. “Remember when we went to Jeju and Changbin refused to leave the billard? We had to peal off of it. He played night and day, without any break.”
“Yah!” Changbin protests with a hidden smile. “If we’re going to talk about our fuck ups, let’s talk about that one concert where Jisung forgot to join us in the main stage for ‘YAYAYA’ dance break.”
“Or all those times Seungmin made the crowd say Fuck.” Chan adds in. “We got into so much trouble for that one.”
Jisung wraps an arm around Chan’s shoulders and brings him closer. Chan gratefully melts against his side. “But that never stopped us. We had so much fun.” His eyes lose the lights in them as they unfocus, dragged by a past that is no more. “Nothing and no one could ever stop us.”
He doesn’t add the ‘not until now’, but they all hear it as though it had been screamed.
The quietness is heavy before Minho adds, “We might be leaving JYP and the name Stray Kids behind, but it doesn’t mean that this is our end.” he optimistically claims. “We’ll take some time to grow and discover ourselves as individuals and maybe down the line, in a few years, we’ll be able to perform again. Together.”
Felix straightens up, as if he has been shot by electricity. “Hyung is right.” He hopefully smiles. “JYP might own our current group’s name,”
“And our entire discography,” Changbin chimes in.
“But we can always debut again, can’t we? Start anew with a new name and new songs.”
A hopeful silence filled with tension hangs in the air between them. All eyes turn to Chan.
“Can we Hyung?” Seungmin hopefully asks. “Can we really do that?”
Chan takes in a deep breath that be doesn’t let out. His brain starts working a mile a minute. He had dug deep into the law jungle to see if they could take back ownership of their name like GOT7 did. If they could continue working as a group even after joining different companies like MAMAMOO. Unfortunately, neither was possible. Their contract was written in a stricter way, specifically to avoid such loopholes.
But Chan hadn’t thought of this possibility. JYP might have joined ownership of their songs and group name, preventing them from using either after leaving the company, but they do not own them. Technically, they could debut again, with a different name, under a different company. “I’ll need to search it up, but I think it is possible.”
Joy and hope suddenly paint all of his members’ faces. Chan doesn’t allow it to take over his. If he lets himself be happy over this, and it turns out being impossible, he’ll be crushed.
“We could do that!” Hyunjin jumps in his seat from excitement. His chicken wings have long gone cold. “We could go solo for a few years, and then debut again together!”
“It’s an amazing opportunity to grow as individuals and singers.” Changbin adds. “To discover who we are outside of Stray Kids.”
“But is that— is that something we all want to do?” Jeongin cautiously asks. “What if someone else offers Hyunjin Hyung and Felix Hyung a better offer? What if you guys don’t want to be in a group anymore?”
Felix’s and Hyunjin’s face go grim. “I’ll always choose Stray Kids. Over a billion dollar.”
“I bought up our other offer because JYP was being a bitch.” Felix guiltily affirms. “If they were being reasonable and didn’t say all those awful things to us, then I would have never even mentioned it.”
“We never intended to make you guys feel like we’d choose money over us. Over Stray Kids.” Hyunjin murmurs. “We’re sorry if we made you feel that way.”
Chan shakes his head. “We would never blame you for putting yourselves and what’s best for you first.”
“Stray Kids is what’s best for us.” Hyunjin insists. He turns to Jeongin. “If a day comes where we can be together again, under the same name, with a company that will value every single one of us, then I’d pack my bags and run to you guys in a heartbeat.” He promises. “Even if I’m at the other end of the globe.”
“I promise too.” Felix says. “I’ll always choose us.”
“I’m in.” Jeongin affirms to which Seungmin adds, “I promise as well!”
Changbin offers them a shaky smile. “You guys will always be a part of my identity.” He confesses. “Count me in.”
“I’m in if I’m the leader!” Jisung jokes.
Minho playfully adds, “I’m in if I can be the new maknae!”
They all turn to look at Chan who’s already tearing up. His voice cracks when he says, “If you’re my members again,” he tearfully smiles, “then I promise to follow you to the end of the earth.”