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Sick- that’s how Armin felt when the remaining scouts got assigned new barracks. As cadets and as scouts there had always been at least four assigned to a room. After coming back from Shiganshina though, there were hardly any scouts left. They could have had their own rooms, but Hange understood; everyone had grown accustomed to sleeping with other people in the room, it helped with nightmares.
But he had to room with Jean, alone? He couldn’t. He would slip up; he would make it uncomfortable. And he did, Armin was quieter than he usually was around Jean. He kept staring whenever Jean was sketching or when he changed shirts. What a creep, Armin knew it was getting out of hand when he started to think that Jean waited to change until Armin was around. As much as spending time with Jean was comforting, it became more and more agonizing making the butterflies fight with the moths in his chest. Eren and Mikasa noticed, he had talked about Jean with them before, much to Eren's disapproval, but Eren said he needed to ‘let loose’, Armin thought that sounded right. Something needed to happen.
The window creaked loudly as Armin slowly pried it open, he had left it unlocked and slightly ajar with a string on the handle so that if Jean had closed it, he could still get in. Luckily, and predictably, that wasn’t an issue. Jean likes to listen to the wind; it helps him fall asleep. But the creak of the rusty hinges followed by the thud of Armin’s boots hitting the floor were much louder than the soft wind that had played in Armin’s hair all night.
“Who’s there?!” Jean shot up in bed and held up two weak fists which almost resembled half a fighting stance. He’d been having bad dreams lately and Armin noticed they had made him a little jumpy.
“Shhh! Jean, it’s only me!” As he quickly shut the window behind him, he whispered, “Another nightmare?”
“Well- yeah... shit you scared me, but what were you doing? Did you sneak out?”
Armin nodded in confirmation
“When did you even leave? What the hell did you sneak out for?”
“I had to return a book to the Commanders' office before they noticed it was missing.” It was a weak excuse, but it was the only thing Armin could think of that made sense and wouldn’t alarm Jean. Armin was a rule follower he wouldn't sneak out for something stupid, and stealing was almost unbelievable, but if it was for a book...
Jean wrinkled his nose, “you smell like wine”
Damn. Where did Eren even get that wine? He noticed it was nice but didn’t think to question it before.
“That’s probably you, you’re practically an alcoholic these days,
Jean scoffed
“Seriously, it’s not good for you Jean” That was a low blow but not untrue, Jean had likely gone out before he turned into the barracks that night. Armin was pretending to be asleep but had noticed Jean acting weird, he forgot to take his boots off when he got into bed and instead of getting back up, he took them off in bed and threw them across the room.
He smiled a tired but classic Jean smile, “I can handle a few beers thank you, and for the record, you’re a terrible liar.”
“For the record, I am a pretty good liar, you’re just the only one who catches me” He sounded annoyed, but it was a little refreshing to have someone read him so well. Armin doesn’t have to lie often. When he does though, few people would be able to call him out. But he would either never lie to them, or- they'd trust him enough to go along and wouldn’t say anything about it.
Eren had done that when he and Armin defeated Bertholdt. Piece by piece, Armin had remembered the hour before eating- before gaining the Colossal Titian’s powers, ‘I won’t let myself die before I see the ocean’ That had been a low blow too. Eren isn’t quite as emotionally intelligent as Jean, but he knows Armin better, he knows Armin best out of anyone. He knew then, deep down, what Armin was really planning, but trusted him anyway. Armin finds himself wondering what Jean would have done.
“Oh, is that so?” Jean was fully awake now and too interested in Armin’s late-night trip “Then tell me what you were really doing out
“Wouldn’t you like to know” Armin had already changed into his sleeping shirt and was getting into his bed which was about five feet away from Jeans.
“Obviously you were out meeting girls or something, you rascal”
“Obviously” Armin had gotten better about catching Jean's sarcasm and jokes. He grew up with his kind but no-nonsense grandfather, and his closest friends were Eren and Mikasa, so it’s fair to say he sometimes struggled understanding that type of humor. Just in case he added, “Which girls would I even sneak out to see?”
“Alright, then who was it?”
“Who said I was meeting anyone? I was just returning a book”
Jean rolled his eyes, clearly getting tired of the banter and wanting answers. “You don’t just sneak out in the middle of the night for no reason Armin, and without inviting me! What was it?”
He’s worried, Jean always worried about something, often something Armin-related, and often with good reason.
Armin laughed, amused at Jean's concern, “I was just hanging out with Eren, everything's fine.”
“Uh huh, you snuck out in the middle of the night, something you've never done as far as I know, just to go hang out and drink with Eren?... Is something going between you two?”
“Whoa” Armin laughs again at the implication “You're not the first to think that, but I thought you’d know us better, come on Jean”
“I don’t know Armin, it’s just so out of character for you to sneak out for something like that, it makes sense, why just Eren?... Was Mikasa there?”
“Oh, that’s why you’re so curious?” Jean was taken aback by the bitterness in his tone, although probably unintentional, it still stung.
“What!? No, I-“
“Look Eren just needed to vent about something and blow off some steam, nothing to worry about, promise”
“Eren needed to blow off steam? Next you’ll say Sasha needs a snack; no shit! Eren’s always mad or moody about something”
“Okay maybe I needed to vent too, but that doesn’t change the fact that you’re being weirdly nosey about this, what’s bothering you so much?” A long silence fell between them, and a familiar tension settled about the room. Neither of them had ever acknowledged or dared to name it, but this uncomfortable pull made the room warm and static.
“You could’ve talked to me y’know” Jean had a hard time reciprocating Armin’s steel gaze as spoke. He knew Armin was always observing people, but this felt like an inspection.
“…what? Jean.. I do talk to you, about almost everything”
“That’s not what I meant” Jean let out a tired sigh “I know Eren and Mikasa are like your family... but I thought we were just as close, recently you’ve been distant, I gave you space, everything has been out of control recently and- I just want to be your best friend again. I miss you Armin, we’re best friends, right?” Another well-worn Jean smile hopefully waited for Armin’s response.
Armin let another silence blanket the room with tension. He knew he had to tell him, Eren had told him as much earlier that night. It had gotten too difficult to manage his emotions about- everything, but especially about Jean. Their friendship was founded on a strong comradery and a shared trauma, but Armin’s feelings grew to a deep admiration and fondness for him. Armin noticed more and more, Jeans compassion, wit, and beauty. He was so bright- Armin had been called bright his whole life, but he wasn’t really, he was scared and lonely and capable of darkness. Jean was one of the only ones who could recognize those parts of him without dismissing them. Eren and Mikasa mean well, but they just don’t think it’s a big deal, they can’t understand why it bothers him so much. Jean understands, but he was somehow able to overcome what Armin couldn’t. Those feelings feel bigger than titans at times, Jean was braver than Armin to face them head-on.
Armin had to be brave again too.
“Jean, I don’t think I can be your best friend anymore” Armin tried to compose himself before he continued but saw the hurt confusion in Jean's face and rushed to finish his confession.
“I love you Jean, I can’t pretend that I see you as a best friend because I wish I could be more to you. It’s been eating me alive, especially since we started rooming together, and I’m sorry if it’s uncomfortable I can ask for a different room or something I just- don’t want to lose you.” As he spoke, Armin looked anywhere but at Jean, he always showed his feelings clearly in his expressions, even when he tried to hide them. Even if he was supposed to be brave right now, Armin couldn’t bring himself to see the rejection in Jean's face. It must be a rejection; all those times he thought Jean might reciprocate feel stupid now. Still…
Jean looked bewildered, when Armin finally looked him in the eye again he could see the cogs turning in his head, under different circumstances it would have made Armin laugh.
“That’s why you’ve been avoiding me? That’s why you snuck out? You love me?”
“Yes” They had been whispering, at least trying to whisper, since Jean woke up but when Armin spoke it was barely audible.
Jean got out of his bunk and took three steps to Armin’s bunk. Armin sat legs crossed with his back against the wall, Jean sat next to him so that their knees were touching. They both looked down at their own hands.
“That’s stupid”
He knew it, of course it was stupid. Armin felt the dread expanding in his chest but before he could stew too long Jean reached for Armin’s hand and delicately held it with both of his. He brushed his thumbs over the back of Armin’s hand.
“You said you didn’t want to lose me, but I thought I was losing you. For all your brilliance you really are an idiot sometimes.”
Jean's heart was beating out of his chest as he took the hand he’d been holding and placed a firm kiss on his knuckles as if he were royalty.
“I love you too”
“Jean… truly?” He wasn’t asking Jean so much he was asking the world. Everything felt so unreal, he had imagined hearing those words from him so many times.
“Do you doubt me?”
Armin uncrossed his legs, now sitting on his knees he leaned closer to Jean.
“I’ve never doubted you” Smiling as he spoke, Armin held Jean's cheek with his hand that Jean had just kissed. He felt the rough whisps of Jean's beard along his jaw.
“Good” Jean returned the affection, Armin's cheeks were so soft compared to his own.
Their kiss was awkward at first but sweet, both were a little hesitant. After testing the waters Armin wrapped his arms around Jean's neck, Jean's hands going to Armin's hair before they fell sideways on the bed. They stared at each other until Armin went into a fit of giggles.
“What’s funny?” Jean tucked a lock of Armin’s hair behind his ear.
“I was so worried, I thought you’d think I was a creep. I just feel so light now.”
“Oh yeah, don’t think I didn’t see you sneaking peeks at me” Jean teased.
“Ah! I’m sorry I didn’t mean-“ Armin was interrupted with a chaste kiss.
“Armin, you did mean to, that’s ok, I liked it. I’ve liked you for a long time.”
“You have? Since when?”
“I know this isn’t a pleasant memory for you… but since you saved me from that MP back in Trost. Everyone knows how smart you are, but I didn't know how strong you were before then.”
Armin felt tears well in his eyes “That long ago? Jean I... you shouldn’t love me, I don’t deser-“
“Don’t tell me what I should and shouldn’t do, you really... you deserve the most.”
“You know that’s not true Jean. I’m a murderer plain and simple. I’m not good like you are.” Armin hated himself for sabotaging himself again. He'd always hoped Jean would love him back, but now, for some reason, he couldn’t accept it.
Jean was quiet for a while, thinking about what Armin had said.
“I love you”
“Jean.. I love you too”
“Then that’s all we need, isn’t it?” Jean gave Armin his hopeful smile again, it always worked to calm him down at least a little.
Armin closed his eyes, even if he didn’t deserve Jean, he didn’t want to be without him. He resolved to take what was in front of him. Wrapping his arms around Jean's torso, Armin whispered, “It is”
They lay like that as Jean ran his fingers through Armin's hair until they both fell asleep.