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Jeongin tossed and turned in his bed. His heart was pounding in his chest as if he just had run a marathon even though he had lain in his bed for hours now without getting a wink of sleep. He had so much going through his mind. Their schedules had been brutal over the last few weeks. Normally he had no problems with the amount of schedules they had, but this time he got an uneasy feeling with it. His body and mind couldn't catch up anymore on the missing recreation period. What made it even worse was that he lately didn’t feel confident especially with his vocals. All his members were improving so fast whereas he just felt stuck. He knew it would be best to talk about the issue with one of the members. Seungmin would never turn him away when he wanted to have a heart-to-heart with him since they shared the same passion for vocals. The slightly older vocalist was always able to put his mind at ease, but something was stopping him from doing so this time. Chan and Changbin also were always good candidates. He had to admit that he had picked up Chan's traits along the way when it was about hiding weaknesses. He felt silly because he didn’t want to admit to himself that he felt so discontent. He bit his lower lip and sighed before sitting up in his bed. He considered if he just should stay awake until his schedule. They were used to long days and little sleep after all, but anxiety spiked up in him that it was a bad idea to go to a schedule with no sleep. He folded back his blanket and stood up to get himself some water since the bottle in his room was empty. The cold air hit him since it was still winter, making goosebumps appear on his arms. He rubbed his cold arms while silently tapping through the dorm so that he wouldn’t disturb his hyungs. Jeongin poured himself a glass of water and looked out of the window. Faint light from the streetlights in front of their apartment building was shining through their kitchen window. Real moonlight was hard to see in Seoul. He again considered getting some fresh air after all or going for a run. The clock on the microwave said in bold bright letters that it was 4:23 am. He threw on some training clothes and silently left the dorm. The vocalist aimlessly jogged through the neighborhood, well to be honest he more walked than jogged, before sitting down on a bench near the entrance of their apartment building. He scrolled through his phone when he heard someone call his name softly.
“Innie? Is that you?”
He looked up startled to see Changbin at the entrance of their housing. It looked like he was just returning from the studio. He wasn’t the only one who was sleepless that night from the look of it. On the other side, it was nothing new that the 3Racha trio were at the studio all night even though they had gotten better with their sleeping schedules. The dark-haired man jogged towards him. He wore his typical attire consisting of dark Jeans and an oversized hoodie which peaked through his open jacket. His dark locks looked more roughed up than usual. The rapper had probably constantly tousled his hair while working.
“Ah, I thought it was you, Innie. What are you doing outside in the middle of the night?”, the rapper continued when he was in front of him.
Jeongin fiddled with his hand. That is the question of the day, he thought to himself.
“Couldn’t sleep,” he said out loud with a sigh. Changbin looked at him with a scrutinizing look in the faint light of the streetlight, before sitting down next to him.
“Did you sleep at all?” Oh no, Changbin had caught on to his misery, he was like a bloodhound always instantly sensing when there was something wrong with a member.
Jeongin shook his head. Changbin put a comforting hand on his arm giving it a sympathetic squeeze.
“Have you been in the studio until now?” Jeongin asked changing the topic.
Changbin groaned. “Yeah, inspiration hit, and finished the song and fell asleep on the sofa afterward when I wanted to go home.”
“Old man,” Jeongin said teasingly.
“Last time I checked you were the oldest of the group, maknae.” The fondness in Changbin’s voice made Jeongin chuckle while sheepishly lowering his gaze to the ground.
They sat there for a while in comfortable silence. He knew that Changbin was waiting for him to talk if he wanted, but he also wouldn’t force him. He liked that about him. He was very good at reading the atmosphere and knowing if somebody needed space or somebody to talk. He felt a comforting heat radiating from Changbin where their limps were pressed together. Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see that the older was looking up at the night sky even though there wasn’t much to see because of the light pollution.
“You hungry, maknae?” Changbin asked lightly after a while, stifling a yawn. He wasn’t, not really, but he knew that Changbin meant well and wanted to cheer him up. They had an early schedule, so he knew that it was too late to try to get some sleep by now. He kind of felt guilty, because Changbin now also hasn’t gotten any real rest because of him. On the other side, it probably wouldn't have made a difference if Changbin had gone to lie down, it would have made him groggy. It was possible that Changbin just wanted to get his gym clothes to get some training in before going to their schedule. Jeongin hummed as an answer.
“What was that Innie?”
“Sure,” he replied more earnestly.
“Then let’s go get ready and I will treat you to breakfast, can’t start a day on an empty stomach.” Changbin patted his leg slightly with his hand where it had been resting for the last few minutes. He stood up holding out a hand to him to pull him up. Jeongin staggered lightly, stiff from sitting in the cold air for so long.
“Thanks, hyung.”
Changbin wordlessly patted him on the back letting his hand rest there before guiding him into the apartment building.
They went back into their respective dorms to take a shower and get dressed for the day. When Jeongin came out of the shower a sleepy-looking Felix in a fluffy-looking sweater sat at the kitchen table sipping something from a mug.
“Morning hyung,” he greeted him.
“Morning,” Felix's voice was still raspy and deeper than normal from sleep so he couldn’t have been awake for long. “Where have you been? I heard you getting in a while ago when I woke up. Not that it is any of my business… but...”
“Ah it’s okay, don’t worry. I couldn’t sleep so I went for a run and then run across Binnie-hyung when he got home from the studio.”
“Of course, he also came back at the dead of night… I swear our sleep schedule is so fucked up..”
Felix looked him up and down as if he was contemplating something, before asking, “Did you sleep at all?”
Jeongin winced at the question.
“I take that as a no.”
“Not really, but I will live, I make sure to turn in early today. Anyways, I got to go, Binnie-hyung is treating me to breakfast.”
“Oh, have fun. Also, I will take your word for that. I will cuddle you to sleep if you don’t.”
“What’s with the talk about cuddling to sleep? There is no cuddling party without me.” Hyunjin said yawning when he entered the kitchen and plopped down on one of the kitchen chairs but not before he stole a hug from him.
“Sounds like a threat,” Jeongin said wrinkling his nose. His hyungs laughed. His phone vibrated. It was Changbin telling him that he was ready and waiting in front of their dorm.
“I have to go. Changbin-hyung is waiting. See you later.”
On his way out he saw Hyunjin looking questioningly at Felix who just chuckled and shook his head. Felix was whispering something back to Hyunjin but he was already out of earshot to understand what the Australian was saying.
Changbin took him to his favorite cafe. He could feel the lack of sleep slowly seeping into his body making his head feel fuzzy. He sat down on a free table at a corner of the cafe where they were hidden from prying gazes while waiting for the older man to get them their food. He used the time to write to Stays that he was having breakfast with Changbin and wished them a good day. When he saw the rapper approach with a tray he quickly put his phone away making sure there was enough space for the other man to put the tray down.
“Eat up, Innie, let’s put some energy into you,” he told him putting down his favorite breakfast dishes and coffee in front of him. He felt bad, he didn’t deserve it. He didn’t do anything in the last few weeks to deserve anything. When he didn’t start eating right away Changbin looked at him with narrow eyes.
“Yah, start eating or I will hand feed you myself.”
“Sorry, hyung, I’m just tired I guess,” he said stopping where his train of thought was going. “Thank you for treating me and…” he let the last few words unspoken. He was really out of it today.
“What is it, Innie? Speak to me,” Changbin said gently tapping his hand with his. Jeongin sighed and shook his head. His hyung tried to make him speak without being too pushy, but he still couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud.
“It’s nothing, I’m just out of it today!”
“Alright, then let’s eat, you deserve it our maknae on top.” Jeongin bit his lip. He didn’t though. As if sensing his doubts the rapper added, “Our maknae is doing an amazing job the last few weeks. We have been so busy, it’s understandable that you are tired. We will push through together a while more and then we go rest. We can even go on a trip together and I will pay, how does this sound? And if all is getting too much until then you come to your hyungs, okay? We will always have each other’s backs, yeah?”
He nodded slowly and started eating the food.
Changbin was right, they were all tired. He wasn’t alone. But he still didn’t see where he did good.
“Hyung, am I doing a good job? I…” he thought about all the negative comments he was getting lately from Stays. “I don’t feel Iike… I don’t know…” he knew he was rambling. “I feel stuck, I guess.” Jeongin finished lamely.
“Yang Jeongin, you are doing well. We are all proud of you,” the older grabs his hand making him look at him while giving him a comforting squeeze. “You have a beautiful voice and you got so much better in everything. Your stage presence has become insane, I bet you wrecked half of Stays. Don’t let haters get to you, they will always be there. Trust your hyungs, we will tell you if there’s something you need to work on.”
“I guess you are right, I’m silly. Sorry, hyung… Thanks” he said slowly.
“We all have hard times and are struggling and tired sometimes. We don’t have to be perfect, we are human after all. Cheer up, super maknae, you can come crying to me anytime,” Changbin said cutely. Jeongin huffed out a laugh, his eyes crinkling to happy crescents. His hyung was so silly sometimes. Still chuckling and feeling slightly better he ate his breakfast with more appetite.
When they were driven to their schedule he promptly fell asleep on Hyunjin’s shoulder a few minutes in the drive. He felt even more groggy after his nap, feeling an oncoming nasty headache. His day became a roller coaster from thereon. Their first schedule was a recording for Studio Choom. It was fun even though it was tiring so he went a little bit quieter than normal. He was relieved to have finally gotten that one dance move right, he had been having trouble at practice for days. He worked so hard on it in his one-on-one lessons. The members who knew how hard he worked on the move were so happy with his result and praised him giving him little pats and hugs here and there, especially Minho. But they also picked up on his tiredness and noticed that he wasn’t feeling the best that day and tried to cheer him up whenever possible.
The next schedule was an interview and everything went downhill from there. At one point he was asked something by the interviewer which was completely out of line and he froze. Anxiety flared up him like a relentless beast, roaring and consuming everything in its path. He didn’t know what to answer. He struggled for words before Chan interfered and deflected the question. He completely shut down after the incident. If not for Hyunjin’s reassuring hand on his back where nobody could see it, he would have broken down completely and he saw the annoyed expression on his member's faces. Some of them masking it better than others. It was already after 6 pm when they came back to the company building. Most of the members returned home since they were recording the last two b-sides for their new album tomorrow.
He still had a vocal lesson scheduled. He felt dizzy by then but decided to push through it. He was also hungry since he hadn't eaten anything since this morning. Jeongin bought himself something to drink and went to his personal studio space to warm his voice up. His vocal teacher arrived a few minutes later and went over a new vocal technique, but his voice kept breaking from overuse over the last few days. His vocal teacher tried his best to advise him and work through the issue, but he got more and more worked up until his voice choked completely. After that his vocal cords became hoarse and his vocal teacher cut the lesson short since they had the recording tomorrow advising him to take care of his voice.
He felt restless, because of his failed lesson. Even though his vocal teacher told him to go home and get some rest he stayed behind and got some more practice in. He knew he was jeopardizing his vocal cords with this and they could easily become inflamed but he kept himself saying “just one more time”. With each try his voice gave out more. Frustrated he punched his fist against the desk which made him more miserable when pain shot through his whole arm. He let out a soft whimper cradling his arm against his body when somebody knocked on his door. Blinking his tears away he got up slowly to check who was at the door. He opened the door slightly to see Changbin in front of his door.
“Hyung…” he said while opening the door for the older.
Changbin looked at him with furrowed brows.
“Innie, are you okay? You look pale?”
“It’s nothing, just tired and hungry,” he replied his voice coming out as a rasp. He tried to clear his throat quickly his hand automatically going to his throat.
“What happened to your hand?”
Jeongin turned his hand to look at the spot Changbin was pointing. His skin had turned into an angry red color and a bruise was forming. “It’s not as bad as it looks.”
The rapper looked at him with a raised eyebrow but didn’t say more. He clearly wasn’t buying it.
“What did you want?” He knew he sounded brusque but he didn’t care right now.
“I wanted to check if you are still here. Let’s go home, we can get some food on the way, you seem beat.”
He wanted to snap at the other that he could go home by himself but stopped himself at the last second. It wasn’t Changbin’s fault, he just wanted to look out for him. He sighed massaging his temple.
“Alright, let me get my stuff,” he surrendered.
They wordlessly went home. Changbin bought them some food and snacks to eat on the way home. He felt slightly better when he had something in his stomach.
“I’m sorry, hyung. Thank you…” Jeongin told him when they arrived in front of their apartment building, he was glad that the older had come to get him.
Changbin patted him on the back. “It’s been a tough day, get some rest. You did well today, don’t be too hard on yourself.” Jeongin nodded, biting his lips.
“Sleep well, hyung.”
Back at their dorm Jeongin took a shower and went back to his room to lay down on his bed. With blurry eyes, he scrolled through his phone for a few minutes before putting it down after seeing one too many hateful words directed at him once again. Some comments praised him, but the harsh words hurt why more making him feel discouraged. He pulled his blanket up and curled himself up in a fetal position. The silence in his room felt stifling. Even though he was exhausted sleep wouldn’t come. After some time there was a silent knock on his door so as not to disturb him if he would have been asleep. His door was opened slightly and saw Felix poking his head in his room.
“Where you asleep?” the Australian whispered in his deep voice when saw him blinking at him.
Jeongin shook his head sitting up and pulling his legs up to wrap his arms around his knees. Felix padded over to him and sat down on the edge of his mattress. He looked at the older man shortly before averting his gaze unsure what to say and instead blankly staring a hole in his bed cover. He saw the other man move out of the corner of his eyes and before he could register what the other was up to he felt Felix stroking his hair affectionately.
“Changbin-hyung wanted me to make sure that you are getting a good night’s rest today.”
That was so much like the older, Jeongin thought a with small smile forming on his lips. As stupid as it sounded it made him feel warm inside.
“How long have you been having trouble sleeping?” Felix added and kept running his fingers through the strands of hair disentangling them. It felt comforting.
“It was just last night even though I’ve been sleeping poorly for a while now, but it was the first night I couldn’t sleep at all.” He knew his voice sounded beat and kind of raspy from exhaustion, but also the earlier misuse. Felix hummed understandingly.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s silly, I will be fine. Just stressed out and stuff. I just need to work through it, I’ll be fine.” He tried to clear his throat, but his vocal cords were agitated. He unconsciously brought his hand to his throat rubbing over it as if he could soothe his vocal cords with the gesture. Felix followed his movements with his eyes clearly thinking about how to approach the issue at hand.
“Okay…,” the freckled boy said understanding. “We all have our struggles... Just know that you are not alone and we are here for you at any time if you want to talk. Promise to talk to one of us if it doesn’t get better though, okay?”
Jeongin worried his lips nodding nearly thinking about breaking his silence again, but like this morning with Changbin he was just not at the point to talk about it with somebody.
“I will, I promise…” He felt himself getting sleepy from Felix's comforting ministrations. They were silent for a while before Felix spoke up again.
“Let me make you some honey water for your voice. It sounds hoarse. Does it hurt bad?”
“It’s okay, but I didn’t really take care of it today when I practiced. I may or may not have done something stupid to agitate it. I know we have the recording tomorrow...” He trailed off guilty thinking about how stupid he had been. He needed his voice at the best tomorrow.
Felix seemed to have noticed where his train of thought had gone, rubbing his back firmly to comfort him.
“It will be fine,” the Australian told him before getting up “We always have gotten everything done even if we are not at our best. I will get you so some honey water.” Before he could protest Felix left his room and went into the kitchen to prepare their drinks.
Jeongin let out a weary sigh, now he was not only troubling Changbin but also keeping Felix awake. He was nothing but trouble to his hyungs lately. After some minutes Felix came back with two steaming mugs in his hands. They slowly sipped their drinks while the older one told him some funny stories that had occurred over the last few days. Felix still rubbed patterns on whichever part of his body he could reach sometimes just curling his fingers around his arm to let his warmth seep into the maknae to ground him. He was really lucky to have his members and he was really grateful to them.
“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” Jeongin asked when they fell back into a comfortable silence. He felt himself blush, embarrassed by his childish behavior even though he knew that Felix didn’t mind.
“Of course,” He had never noticed how calming Felix's low voice was. He knew fans liked the deep voice of the Australian for various reasons, but in this moment it hit him again how magical it was. He made room for Felix in case the blonde wanted to get more comfortable. The other wordlessly lay down next to him turning on his side so that they were face to face. Felix looked tired himself, but he still kept rubbing comforting circles wherever he could reach. Jeongin felt warm and relaxed for the first time in a while, nodding off slowly.
“Thank you… Good night”, he mumbled before falling into a deep dreamless sleep.
The first thing he noticed when he woke up the next morning was that he felt hot. It was like he was next to a radiator. The cause was found quickly when he opened his eyes. Felix was still lying next to him, curled against his side. The other had probably fallen asleep next to him yesterday and hadn’t bothered to go to his room during the night. Silently so that he wouldn’t disturb Felix, he climbed out of his bed, took his clothes, and went to the bathroom to get ready for the day.
After getting dressed and washed up he went to the kitchen to grab a drink before going to the company. He wished he could pay back Felix with breakfast, but it would have to wait for another day. He was already late since he still had to go over his lines he had to record for the day. He should have done the preparation days ago, but he had been too busy to do so. He wanted to go to his practice room to get his voice warmed up and go over his lines before the recording started. Since nobody except him was awake they probably already had prepared themselves diligently for the recordings.
He also was worried about what his voice would sound like since he abused his vocal cords yesterday. A sense of dread washed over him since he woke up and he already didn’t feel his best. He loved his job, he loved singing. He wanted to sing. But right now he felt like hitting a wall.
He had to stay strong today. He made some more honey water and transferred it into a thermos flask. When he had everything packed into his bag he made his way to the company.
Jeongin’s hope was quickly crushed and his day went from bad to worse. While warming up his voice he immediately noticed that his throat was still in a very bad condition making his voice hoarse and squeaky. At some notes his voice would just give out. Angry tears were burning in his eyes by the time he left for the recording studio, but he kept them in. The members trusted him. His stomach was in knots when he entered the recording studio making his blood run cold. Chan greeted him cheerfully. Jeongin looked in the recording booth to check whose turn it was. Of course, it was Seungmin. He would never be able to hold a candle to Seungmin. He felt his hands getting shaky and clammy. Panic crept up in him making him unable to breathe correctly. He tried to push his fears away, but he was nervous about what would happen as soon as it was his turn. A singer who was afraid of singing didn’t make sense.
The recording went as well as expected – it was a complete train wreck. Jeongin grew more and more frustrated with every passing second. He wished Changbin was here. Not that it would make any difference. It was silly. It wasn’t Chan’s fault, the last thing he wanted was to make their leader feel bad because he was a failure. Chan was good at what he was doing.
“Innie which one do you like better” Chan asked him letting the different versions of the recordings play through the speakers. They all didn’t sound right to him. It wasn’t even that he was singing out of tune. All he could hear was his uneasy breathing in his recording. Did Chan pretend not to hear it? Chan was one of the people who knew best what his voice was capable of and this wasn’t it.
“I don’t know, hyung, let me try again there’s something… not right. Don’t you think?” he said looking through the window of the recording booth to the dark-haired Australian. His hands were getting shaky again. He clenched his fists to stop them from shaking.
“If you are not satisfied we go with your opinion”, Chan answered lightly being aware of his hesitation.
They did another three versions, but he still didn’t think it was right.
“This isn’t going anywhere, hyung. I can’t do it, I just can’t… I just can’t control my voice the right way,” he said agitated. He couldn’t hide any longer how upset he was and he knew Chan had picked up on it a while ago.
“It’s okay, Innie, don’t worry. Come out and let’s take a break, Felix and Binnie will be here soon and we can record Felix’s part first and then you can try again afterward. Sometimes a little break helps. I’m sorry that I can’t help.”
Jeongin didn’t even know what the other man was apologizing for, it wasn’t Chan's fault, it was his own. Chan had enough on his plate. He didn’t want to weigh him down more and make him feel bad when it was clearly his own fault.
Jeongin moved to hold his hands up to make a dismissing motion that it wasn’t the other’s fault, but a sudden wave of lightheadedness hit him. Dark spots blacked out his vision. He felt weird. There was a strange pressure in his chest. He stumbled a few steps forward nearly knocking over the microphone stand. He couldn’t breathe. Chan noticed instantly that there was something wrong, getting up from his chair, to get a better look in the recording room.
“Innie, you okay? You look pale. You wanna sit down?”
Jeongin felt like he would throw up any second, he had to get out of the recording booth. NOW!
He quickly pushed the door open, stumbling through it. His vision blacked out and with it went all his strength to keep himself on his feet. He stumbled blindly forward trying to get to the couch to sit down.
“Fuck, Innie, what’s wrong?” He straight fell into Chan’s arms the older being there to catch him before he could fall. His body sagged against Chan’s firm chest like a sack of potatoes. His fingers dug painfully into the other man’s skin trying desperately to hold himself up.
“Innie, it’s okay, breathe, I need you to breathe with me,” he could hear Chan’s voice through his haze and the upset chatter of the recording people in the room.
He felt Chan picking him up bridal style, despite him being taller, carrying him over the couch and putting him down gently.
Hands gently covered his face on both sides.
“Breathe with me Innie, it’s okay, you are going to be okay” Their foreheads touched. He gulped in some air, coughing in the process. He breathed in Chan’s clean scent which calmed him down. He felt how a cup of water was pressed into his hands. Chan’s hand covered both his hands to bring the cup slowly up to his lips, whispering calming words to him. He couldn’t make out half of them, but he felt the crawling beast in his chest calming down. Only then did he notice that he was crying and convulsively sobbing. Huh, what had just happened?
“Hyung…,” he blubbered out curling his fingers into Chan’s Hoodie. “I… I’m… I’m sorry.” He blinked he few times, his vision clearing up looking up into Chan’s worried face. He had messed up their recording schedule big time. Time is money after all.
“It’s okay, don’t worry… nothing to be sorry about. How do you feel?” He buried his face in Chan’s Hoodie while the older man rubbed soothing circles on his back, taking his time to answer when the door to the studio swung open.
Changbin’s and Felix’ worried voices echoed through the room while telling the remaining staff members to give them room until they called for them again. It seemed like one of the staff members had already filled them in on what had happened when they ran into them on the floor.
“What happened?” he heard Felix's alarmed voice. The sofa dipped beside him and felt somebody hugging him from behind even though a little bit awkward because of their sitting positions. Felix. He turned his head slightly to see Changbin kneeling in front of the coach one hand pressed against Chan’s neck to give some comfort to the older Australian and the fingers of his other hand searched for his hands gently entwining their fingers. He hiccuped, slowly calming down. Felix pressed some kisses on the top of his head while rubbing his side comfortingly.
“I think Innie got stressed out…” Chan answered cautiously at last looking at their youngest member and added. “Is that what happened, Innie? Do you want to talk about it? What do you need, Innie?”
Jeongin slowly let go of Chan turning his head to meet Changbin’s gaze as he had the answers to Chan’s questions. He didn’t even know what he expected the rapper to do. Changbin squeezed his hand and then took his hand from Chan’s shoulder offering his open arms patiently waiting and not moving forward otherwise. Jeongin hesitated, it was known that he wasn’t fond of skinship of any kind, but right now it didn’t look too bad. Ignoring that Felix was still glued to his back he moved towards Chanbin’s waiting arms. He slung both arms around Changbin. The dark-haired rapper wrapped his arms tightly around his body, Felix had let go of him when he had noticed where the maknae wanted to move. Changbin pressed Jeongin’s face against his neck, carefully running his fingers through his hair. Warmth engulfed him. He could smell Changbin's expensive heady perfume. He closed his eyes, breathing in the other man’s scent. He liked the smell and felt a sense of calm washing over him. The tight embrace from the rapper somehow helped him to calm down. It felt different from Felix’s loose embrace. Changbin was known for his warm hugs and affectionate way, but this was like magic. He didn’t know how often he had avoided the rapper’s attempts to pepper him with kisses or hug him just to annoy him when the other was in a playful mood. But now he couldn’t be more glad about it. Looking back on it, he realized it was the tightness of the hug that helped him to calm down.
“Hyung is sorry, Innie. You tried to tell me yesterday morning at breakfast, didn’t you? You made light of it, but the pressure was already weighing you down. I wanted to give you space and wait until you are ready to talk…,“ Changbin spoke soothingly and somber at the same time as if he was to blame for his misery.
Jeongin felt a wave of new tears welling up in his eyes listening to the rapper's apology, soaking Changbin’s shoulder.
“It’s not your fault hyung. You tried, you all tried, I just didn’t want to listen. I wanted to deal with it myself and thought it was stupid to ask for help. I felt like I was falling behind everybody. I tried so much to improve myself, my voice, dance, and facial expressions but I just feel stuck. At one point I started to question myself what my place in the group was except for being known as the fierce old-fashioned maknae. Everyone improved so much except for me. Stay also always seemed to complain about me for being boring and stuff. I don’t seem to meet the expectations of anyone at all. I feel so lost. Even though we have so many schedules I tried to fit in extra lessons and stuff, but it feels like everything I tried was in vain. Nobody acknowledged it. I don’t know what to do anymore, I don’t know how to move forward. I feel tense all the time, it’s draining me so much.”
Everything spilled out of him at once, making him breathless from talking so fast. He knew it probably didn’t make much sense. He felt bad for it, but at the same time, it was also freeing in some way to finally talk about it. He didn’t dare to look at the others. He felt ashamed. Changbin slowly lifted his hand to stroke his hair softly.
“It’s okay Innie, we understand. It’s not your fault. We all can see how much you improved. We are sorry for not making it clearer. I’m sure Stays are also proud. I wasn’t lying when I said you are doing a good job. I think I speak for all of us when I say that we are proud of you. For my part, I think you are one of the members who improved the most. Not just your dance and facial expressions but also your voice. Your voice did get such a smooth comforting timbre.” the rapper told him softly.
“Changbin is right, your voice sounds beautiful,” Felix stressed vehemently. “You worked hard, nobody can deny that.”
“They are right Innie, you are one of the members who works the hardest all the time. We all know how much passion you put into your training. Don’t beat yourself up. Your technique is pretty good. Your improvement is no joke. I know it’s hard to believe in oneself sometimes. Everybody is their own biggest critic,” Chan said his hand resting reassuringly on the Jeongin’s knee. “We are proud of you.”
He didn’t know what to say without sounding like an idiot.
“We are sorry if we didn’t support you enough or gave you the feeling that you aren’t enough,” Felix added.
“It’s not your fault,” Jeongin tried again to explain himself. “I guess I just got stuck in my head too much. I know you are also tired. I thought I would be fine and the feeling would go away after a while, but somehow it grew stronger. I don’t know what happened. I’m probably just exhausted… I don’t know. I didn’t want to be selfish.”
“It’s not selfish. We all have our limits and sometimes we have to call it quits.” Chan said carefully. “Honestly the last few weeks were exhausting there’s no use to sugarcoat it. Of course, we want to pull through, but complaining doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate what we are given. We are human and we need time to recharge to keep our body and mind healthy. Sometimes stuff just piles up and at one point you just can’t keep up anymore. It’s not your fault, Innie. I’m just sorry that I didn’t make sure that you are all okay and have enough time to recharge. I should have stepped in sooner.” Chan let out a sigh, looking like he was carrying the whole world on his shoulders.
“You know, it’s not your fault either,“ Felix threw in English with a serious expression on his face while moving next to his fellow Australian. “Don’t be so hard on yourself too. You always try to carry the burden of all of us. You are human too.” Felix pulled Chan in a hug which Chan didn’t mind, not pulling away fully from the blonde.”
“Yongbokkie is right. We also have your back.”
Chan cleared his throat, scratching his head sheepishly. “Yeah, I know,“ he said in a kind of high-pitched tone, feeling awkward. He was obviously uncomfortable with the change of the topic. “I know and I appreciate it, like I always say, don’t worry about me.” Changbin snorted, rolling his eyes.
“How can we not?”
At this moment Jeongin was hit by the realization that just like how they worried about Chan, his hyungs were probably worrying the same way about him. It was stupid of him not to speak to them about his troubles. He knew his members would always have his back.
“Anyways,” Chan said drawing the word out and ending the topic, “Innie are you feeling better? Do you need something?”
Jeongin was still nestled against Changbin resting there comfortably.
“I’m feeling a little bit better. My head still hurts a little bit. “
“Do you have a fever?” Changbin asks while moving his hand to his forehead checking his temperature. He felt the youngest temperature comparing it to his own. “Hmm, I think you might have a slight temperature, but it’s not that bad.”
“Innie, how about you go home and rest for today and tomorrow at least? Maybe stop at the hospital to make sure that you are okay,” Chan suggested.
“But the recordings!”, Jeongin injected.
“It’s fine. We can record the other parts first and record yours at the end. It’s not that big of a deal.”
“But it will delay production.”
“Don’t worry, Innie, we can manage. Your health is more important,” Changbin interjected.
Jeongin sighed. He knew they were probably right.
“Alright… you are right.”
“I will call your manager to go with you to the hospital,” Chan said standing up. “Stay there with Changbin and Felix.” Felix quickly slipped into the space next to Jeongin that Chan had occupied before he left the room to call their manager and inform the recording team to come back to the studio.
Changbin and Jeongin changed their position so that they could sit more comfortably, but still were pressed together. Changbin’s hand was resting on his thigh. Jeongin pulled Felix into his side, so that the older could rest his head on his shoulder since Felix still seemed worried. He let his hand run through Felix’ long blonde hair knowing that Felix liked the motion, but also to have something to do with his hands.
“I’m sorry for worrying you“, he repeated for the nth time.
“It’s okay, it happens. It comes with the job.” It shouldn’t be okay though, it shouldn’t happen at all.
Jeongin hummed, closing his eyes. They idly talked among themselves until their manager arrived with Minho and Han in tow. The latter was low-key freaking out until Changbin got him to calm down saying that everything was under control. Felix helped him to pack his stuff together, before saying their goodbyes. Changbin promised to come cover in the evening to make sure he was resting properly when they were finished with the recordings for the day.
The trip to the hospital was as expected. They checked him through and gave him an infusion advising him to rest for the rest of the week and also emphasizing that he should come again if he didn’t feel mentally better soon because mental health was key to success and happiness. He knew that Hyunjin and Jisung already had gone through the same process, but he still hoped that it wasn’t necessary in the long run. But maybe it would be better to talk to them about it.
Back home he lay down since they had gotten him a shot to make sure he was calming down and resting properly. He fell into a dreamless sleep as soon as his head hit his pillow.
The first thing Jeongin noticed when he woke up was that it was already dark outside, so it must be evening already but since it was still winter it was hard to tell what time it was actually. His mind was still foggy from being in deep sleep. He yawned and shook his head rubbing at his eyes before looking around for his phone to check the time. He grasped it from his bedside table turning on the display: 7:42 pm. He had slept the whole afternoon away thanks to the shot he had gotten. He had also gotten a ton of messages from the members while he had been asleep. Seems like Chan told the remaining members what had happened throughout the morning. He groaned feeling awkward for creating such a mess. Nonetheless, he read through the messages until he came across a text from Changbin which had been sent half an hour ago, telling him that he was waiting at their dorm’s living room with dinner if he felt like eating. Seungmin and Hyunjin were still out together somewhere. As on cue, his stomach was growling.
Food sounded good, he hadn’t eaten something until now and realized how hungry he actually was. The vocalist quickly went to the bathroom to freshen up before he silently padded to the living room. When he came by the kitchen a sweet smell hit his nose. It seems like Felix had baked cookies or brownies while he had been asleep.
Indeed Felix and Changbin were sitting on the couch engrossed in something that was playing on TV while eating pizza. They looked up when they heard him come in.
“Hey,” he croaked out his voice still raspy from sleep.
“Hey yourself,” Felix said with a smile. “Are you hungry?” He pointed to the food on the table.
Jeongin nodded while settling down next to Changbin who had made room for him on the couch. He reached for a drink taking a big sip. He took in the different things the two had ordered: pizza, hamburger, and french fries.
“Did you sleep well?,” the Australian asked while handing him over some fries and Changbin giving him a hamburger and moving the pizza box so he could reach it more easily.
“Best I have in ages… well except for last night.” Felix beamed happily.
“What happened last night?” Changbin asked not catching on.
“I fell asleep in Jeongin’s bed when I went to check on him,” the blonde replayed. “You could have woken me up at least when you got up.”
“You were sleeping so soundly so I didn’t want to disturb you.”
They ate comfortably while talking about this and that until Felix excused himself to take a shower, but not before he brought them some of his baked goods as dessert. He had been right, the blonde had baked brownies and cookies. They silently watched the TV series that was playing in the background while munching on the sweets. He felt light and warm.
“Thanks hyung for always looking out for me.”
Changbin looked at him lazily. “Anytime maknae.”
“No, I mean it. You are always looking out for me and buying me food and stuff. It’s kinda your love language, isn’t it? Buying food and being extra caring.”
“Well, if you put it like that…” he said trailing off before his face lit up “Oh wait, I have something else for you,” the rapper exclaimed suddenly reaching for his phone.”
“What is it?”, Jeongin asked confused wondering what the older had gotten him.
Changbin scrolled through his phone until he had found what he was looking for hitting play and putting his phone down. It was a demo of a song. It was a very good song, Stay would love it. It was very comforting and made him feel warm. Pulling him in and making him feel so many things at the same time. Changbin had a way with that kind of song. It wasn’t a breakup song but it had a nostalgic touch to it.
“It’s yours if you want it. I wrote it with your voice in mind. Remember when I told you inspiration struck yesterday? That’s the song.”
“Really, hyung?” he asked excitedly, feeling touched. If Changbin wrote a song for him in secret it signified the rapper trusted him enough to deliver his wonderful song to Stays and even more the other man actually loved the color of his voice.
“Did I ever lie about something like this?”
“No. I would gladly take the song. Thank you, hyung!” He was overcome with emotion, making him laugh and cry at the same time. Today had been a roller coaster. He played the demo again and more tears spilled down his face, he felt touched that Changbin would randomly write him a song.
“Come here baby bread”, the dark-haired rapper said gently leaning over to him and wiping his tears away carefully.” Jeongin clasped the other man’s hand with both of his own, letting his body sink against Changbin’s again. He rested his forehead against Changbin’s shoulder to hide his crying face.
“Don’t cry.”
Jeongin sniffled, looking up at Changbin.
“I will call you Yongbok again if you don’t stop crying,” Changbin told him jokingly. Jeongin let out a snort hitting the dark hooded rapper without any force behind it.
At that moment Felix came back into the living room, looking confused at the picture in front of him. Changbin just shook his head wordlessly, reassuring the Australian that it was nothing. The rapper stretched out his arm to pull Felix into their cuddle pile where they stayed until they fell asleep on the couch all huddled up against each other.