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“Colonel Sheppard, we made it. The city’s floating safely on the ocean. Excellent landing.”
John heard Colonel Carter’s words though the earpiece jammed directly into his ear, and yet she seemed so distant at the same time. He tried to focus on her words again, replaying them until they made sense to him. The numbness that was constantly threatening to take over and drown the world out completely seemed so enticing. Days of fighting. Of anxiety. Of loss…
“Thank you,” he replied finally, absentmindedly. He had never been so strained before in all his dealings with Ancient technology as he was merely moments ago. The weight of a magnificent flying city and the many souls inhabiting it had been all consuming, seemingly tearing his mental pathways from a steady stream into a labyrinth of white water rapids. He had contained them, all while hearing McKay’s consistent reminders that despite his efforts, he wasn’t doing well enough.
Story of my life, he thought dejectedly as he sat alone in the Chair room. Usually there would have been technicians around, or perhaps his team. But not today.
And he was thankful for that.
They were needed elsewhere; a brand new planet and a strained city needed to be checked and rechecked. But John wasn’t needed anymore. The one thing that he couldn’t mess up was the ATA gene that had always been a stroke of luck, anyway.
He used it to land the city, and now he was no longer needed. Even his temporary, unwanted role as Expedition Leader was no longer necessary, given Colonel Carter’s presence. He had never really wanted to be the Military Commander but he had accepted it and stuck with it simply because he knew for damn sure he would stop at nothing to keep the city and its members safe. And even then, so many had been lost. Failures upon failures. So many anguish-filled letters home to families who would never get the answers they rightfully deserved.
But Expedition Leader was never in the cards for him. He could hold it together for a little while but he knew his limitations. He could never hold a candle to Elizabeth.
John ignored the painful needle pressing further and further into his brain, making his eyes burn and his heart pound faster. As heavy as the city had been moments ago as he willed it to the plant’s surface, it was nothing - nothing - compared to the overwhelming weight that he’d held back for so long.
Elizabeth was gone and he had left her there to die.
Nausea rose violently and suddenly, threatening to spill over. He felt his body trembling and the throbbing in his head descending throughout his body in what felt like a coordinated attack. He clenched his eyes shut against the dim light of the Chair room as it penetrated his aching mind and he was vaguely aware of warm liquid flowing freely from his nose and ears. The strong taste of copper in his mouth alerted him to the fact that even his body was failing now.
All the while, Atlantis hummed apologetically in the back of his mind as though the city knew it had been too heavy a load for his weak, mortal mind to bear. Because the strongest recorded ATA gene or not, John Sheppard was no Ancient. He was just a pilot with a black mark on his record who happened to be at the right place at the right time years ago.
Or maybe the expedition would have been better off without him, after all. He had a laundry list of failures, starting with waking the Wraith in the first place and ending with the image of Elizabeth being surrounded by Replicators as he ran away. Oh, and a not-so-smooth landing that likely hurt some people on the base.
The intense pain was now reaching a fever pitch and John knew unconsciousness would soon follow. And as his mind continued to split in the most excruciating agony he had felt in a long time, he found himself not wanting to fight it.
He welcomed it. Welcomed the pain. Embraced the darkness and whatever came next, because he was no longer needed, anyway. The immediate danger was gone and no one needed to be torn from their important work in order to waste more time on a damaged pilot.
John was aware of his stiff neck beginning to fail, allowing his exploding head to fall forward first; it was a domino effect as the world tipped around him and gravity claimed its victim. There was a voice in the back of his mind telling him to brace for impact; begging him to fight off the darkness and call for help. Strangely enough, the voice reminded him of Elizabeth’s strong, yet warm tone.
But it went ignored because the louder, more present voice reminded him that every bit of what was happening to him was deserved because of his failure to save her. His repeated failures to do enough throughout an entire lifetime.
As his head collided with the ground, a fresh wave of searing pain shot through his body like electricity and for the first time in his life, he didn't put up any fight against the darkness.
—-------------------------------
Teyla bowed her head outside of Elizabeth’s door one last time, her heart aching for such a sizable loss for all of Atlantis, and for the loss in her own life. Elizabeth had been a friend and confidant. There were far more males than females on Atlantis and Elizabeth was unique in that she, too, was a leader.
Teyla was very fond of Dr. Weir and respected her beyond what words could express. And now she was gone.
Ronon had filled in the blanks that Colonel Sheppard could not; the pain too great for him to verbalize just yet. Perhaps he never would. Not that Colonel Sheppard would ever divulge the full extent of the pain he was feeling, but Teyla knew his soul all too well. Regardless, based on Ronon’s account, John would be deeply haunted by what had transpired and would likely add a great deal of guilt to his already overly burdened shoulders.
It was part of the reason she had immediately gone to Elizabeth’s quarters to begin packing her belongings after the city had settled on its new home world. Teyla did not want John to feel at all obligated to take on such a task, given that he was her second in command for the past several years and arguably one of her closest friends. No, Colonel Sheppard did not need to bear this burden as well.
It was also her way of saying goodbye. John had understandably asked her to stay behind on the mission, therefore she had never been given a proper opportunity to bid her friend farewell. And while it felt hurtful to pack her belongings so soon, she also felt certain that Elizabeth would have preferred another woman to sort through her possessions in an event such as this.
Teyla glanced at Ronon, thankful for his presence as she had finished up her task. His warmth was palpable and Teyla knew that he was the best person to be here as well.
Teyla and Ronon had grown up with frequent loss of loved ones being a common part of their lives. Living in constant vigilance was exhausting but it also made each day that much more valuable. Each hug, each shared moment of laughter, each piece of bread broken with a friend… something more valuable than any precious metals. And while she longed to have more moments such as those with Dr. Weir, she was also eternally grateful for all that she did have.
And, thanks in part to Elizabeth’s sacrifice, Teyla would surely be able to create more memories with her remaining friends and family.
“You think we can get Sheppard to eat something?” Ronon inquired as they slowly walked away from the empty quarters. “I think he’s barely eaten in days.”
Teyla nodded somberly. She had noticed the same, but many of them had been working on very little sleep or food. “We should certainly try. We have been on the new planet for approximately an hour. I imagine Rodney and Colonel Carter are still working diligently, but I have not heard from Colonel Sheppard since the landing. Have you?”
When Ronon shook his head, Teyla felt her stomach constrict uncomfortably. Logic would tell her he was likely busy, aiding in various projects. But her instincts whispered to her soul that something was wrong.
“Colonel Sheppard,” she stated into her ear piece after activating the device. “Colonel Sheppard, this is Teyla. Please come in.”
A moment passed - a moment too long - and she glanced at Ronon only to see a similar look of concern reflected in his sharp features. Similar upbringings meant similar instincts. Something was not right.
“Teyla to Dr. McKay.”
“Yes, what do you need?”
“Rodney, have you heard from Colonel Sheppard since we landed?”
“No… in case you haven’t guessed, we’ve been a little busy here trying to scan the city for abnormalities and reestablish…”
Teyla felt her nerves transform into frustration. She rarely sought the scientist out for assistance; that should mean something to him. Still, she knew Dr. McKay was likely overwhelmed.
“I understand,” she said quickly, interrupting his scientific rant. Her growing sense of concern told her they simply did not have time. “Could you at least check the video feed to the Chair room? Perhaps the Colonel is still working with the Chair…”
She and Ronon were already heading that way, given it was his last known location, but she certainly wouldn’t mind knowing in advance if he was okay or… not. Besides, they still had a good five to seven minute walk before they would arrive.
“I don’t see why he would still… oh. Oh God, Sheppard! We need a medical team to the Chair room, now!”
Teyla and Ronon were now sprinting, her heart throwing itself wildly against its confines as horrific images of the various possibilities flew through her mind. She could not bear to pack away his items, as well.
“What’s the nature of the emergency?” Dr. Keller’s voice now echoed through her thoughts as the walls of Atlantis flew past her and Ronon.
“I… he’s…”
“Dr. Keller, it appears as though Colonel Sheppard is unconscious and on the ground in front of the Chair. I believe he has blood coming from his nose and maybe ears, but it’s hard to know for certain based on the video feed.”
Teyla felt bile rising up her throat as Colonel Carter took over the communication and painted a horrible picture of John laying alone on the ground. It only helped her run even faster.
“Copy that. We are on our way. Can you tell if he’s still breathing? Do we have any idea of how long he may have been there?”
“No, we can’t tell.”
“We… we landed an hour ago and no one heard from him since. Has he…? That’s… that isn’t good…”
Teyla cleared the fear in Rodney’s voice from her mind; she could not give into the fear the way he so easily did.
“We are nearly there,” Teyla called into her earpiece, effectively cutting Rodney off before he could continue to feed the atmosphere with more negative energy. John was alive and would be fine until proven otherwise.
Ronon entered the room first, blazing his way in like the fire that he was, and was by John’s side as she turned in. Teyla felt her heart clench as though a hand had grabbed a hold of it when her eyes drank in the sight of the Colonel lying completely still on the ground. He was alone and positioned mostly on his side, his long legs and arms contorted oddly in front of him. The harsh angle of his neck would undoubtedly lead to soreness for quite some time and the trails of dried blood leading away from his nose and ears sent electricity through her veins.
Teyla dropped to her knees beside the Colonel and stared expectantly at Ronon whose fingers were pressed firmly against John’s neck.
“He’s alive,” Ronon said finally, sending air rushing from her lungs that she hadn’t even knowingly been holding. Observing the Colonel’s body also indicated that he was breathing.
“Teyla?” Colonel Carter spoke now, reminding Teyla that they were being watched.
“He is alive and breathing but has not shown any signs of consciousness.”
“Copy that,” Dr. Keller responded, “We will be there in two minutes.”
Teyla looked at Ronon and saw his own dark eyes showing similar fear. Why was this happening? How much could one group of people handle before they broke?
“John?” Teyla leaned as close to him as she dared, her hand lightly meeting his cheek. His skin was cool and clammy beneath hers, but very much alive. He did not stir.
True to her word, Dr. Keller and her team came bursting into the room with a gurney and various other supplies in tow only moments later. Despite a deep desire to remain at the Colonel’s side and hold onto him without ceasing, fearful he would slip away forever, Teyla and Ronon both moved away. They had to allow the healers adequate space to do their work.
“Let’s get a C-Collar on him and check breath sounds,” Jennifer ordered, her tone smooth and warm, but urgent. “Start an IV then get him on the gurney.”
They moved like dancers, each member attending to John with grace and confidence as he was eventually lifted onto gurney and strapped down. Teyla cringed at the uncomfortable sight of the large, yellow collar wrapped around the Colonel’s neck but she knew it was a precaution; they had no knowledge of what led to his current condition and he was unable to alert them of any pain.
“Okay, let’s go,” Dr. Keller announced, pulling Teyla from her thoughts as she and Ronon both moved to follow the medical team from a safe distance.
“Is he… is he okay?”
“We do not yet know,” Teyla informed McKay gently through the comms device, knowing that he was simply concerned for a friend. But he did not speak any more and Teyla wondered if he would be able to break away from what was likely very important work to meet them in the infirmary.
“Let’s get him on the scanner right away,” Dr. Keller commanded as they entered the infirmary. She then turned around and addressed Teyla and Ronon, “You’ll have to wait over there. I’m going to run tests and get him changed into a gown. He may not appreciate an audience for that.”
Teyla offered a cordial half-smile in response, bowing her head as she and Ronon took up residence in the small plastic chairs in the corner of the infirmary. It was an area she had been familiarized with far too often. And as much as she hated this waiting period while worry tried to overtake the peace within her, she would do it a million times over for her friends.
“How did we miss him for an hour?” Ronon grumbled.
Teyla bit her lip and shook her head, eyes falling to the ground. “I… a great deal of things happened simultaneously. In hindsight, I do wish I would have sought out Colonel Sheppard prior to…”
Prior to packing Elizabeth’s personal possessions, she didn’t finish her statement.
“Don’t beat yourself up,” Ronon replied. “I went there, too. Just thought Sheppard would be busy.”
Teyla nodded, “It rarely does anyone well to dwell on such matters. No one could have predicted an adverse reaction to the landing…”
She said the words, but she didn’t entirely believe them. She, herself, recalled how difficult it had been to interface with the Wraith hive in the past. Like John, only a small portion of her DNA was available for such a link; they were outsiders to the technology and while Atlantis was likely far more welcoming to John’s ATA gene than a hive to her DNA, she should have known to check on him. Flying and landing an entire city with so many on board… especially while carrying the immeasurable wait of a recent loss, had to be extremely taxing.
Teyla bowed her head again. She should have checked on him. Someone should have. Instead, he had been lying on the ground all alone for an hour.
“You okay?” Ronon asked, his eyes observing her closely. He had always been one to see her on a different level; they had a kindred nature, having grown up in a similar fashion.
“I… am struggling with the emotional weight of the past several days and now, not knowing if Colonel Sheppard is alright… Knowing he was alone and injured for so long, right here in Atlantis.”
Ronon met her eyes and in them, she saw the same regret and pain. But she also saw a twinkle and the hint of a smile as he said, “It rarely does well to dwell on such matters.”
Teyla smiled broadly, if only for a moment. She often wondered if the men she worked with listened to her, so to have her words reverberated was a needed moment of levity, as well as an appropriately timed reminder.
Moving forward, she would remember to check on her teammates after moments like this as opposed to assuming they were just busy. Beyond that, consuming herself with guilt and regret would not help John, or anyone else.
“Wise words, Ronon,” she grinned.
He lightly patted her leg, a rare moment of human contact that she so desperately missed, especially considering the Athosians were well known for physical contact. For the people of Earth, especially for her teammates, physical touch did not come naturally or comfortably. She smirked to herself as she recalled the few times John had been confronted with an unexpected hug or customary meeting of heads amongst the Athosians.
It also saddened her. The touch of a fellow human was a moment of beauty, passion or warmth. What kind of life had the Colonel lived to have become such a touch deprived individual? Of course, she knew of his reputation with women and also knew that said reputation was largely exaggerated. In reality, Colonel Sheppard was more of a gentleman than most gave him credit for and even a little awkward. She supposed his admittedly handsome appearance and charm, along with the fact that many women did, in fact, try to court him regularly, led to a reputation that was mostly untrue.
And yet, John didn’t seem to mind. In fact, Teyla assumed he preferred people to not know the real man beneath the facade. At the end of the day, he was a fiercely loyal and remarkably brave man that anyone should be honored to know. And the people who knew him best were well aware of who he was, and who he wasn’t.
“He will be alright,” Teyla said after a long silence, a gentle smile on her lips as she looked at Ronon. He simply nodded and looked down.
They stayed that way for quite some time until Dr. McKay and Colonel Carter approached them.
“Have you heard anything?” Rodney demanded first, his tone frustrated but his true cadence screamed concern. “How he managed to get hurt while sitting in a chair is beyond me.”
Colonel Carter eyed Dr. McKay wearily while taking a deep breath, “We, of course, know that it is far from being just a chair.”
“That is correct,” the voice of Dr. Keller came now, warranting all eyes to turn to her.
Teyla and Ronon both stood to join Rodney and Colonel Carter, thankful to be getting an update and grateful that Dr. Keller did not appear to have bad news.
“How is Colonel Sheppard?” Teyla asked quickly.
Jennifer nodded and took a deep breath, “Well, the only thing I can say for sure is dehydration, which we are treating. Apart from that, physically… medically, he is fine.”
“Has he woken up?” Ronon asked in a low rumble.
Dr. Keller inclined her head with an expression that spoke volumes. “No, and that’s my concern. He has still shown no signs of regaining consciousness, despite external stimuli. His pupils are equal and reactive, his brain scans show a very slight concussion, but certainly not severe enough to cause prolonged loss of consciousness… Again, medically, he is fine.”
“Well, I’m not an MD but something tells me an inability to wake up isn’t exactly fine, even though that’s exactly what the Colonel would say right now if he could. Besides, I saw blood coming from his nose and ears... That is not normal,” Rodney rambled in his usual fashion when he was nervous.
“Given that we found no other causes of the bleeding, I believe it was a case of hematohidrosis, which can occur as a result of extreme physical exertion or stress,” Jennifer stated, appearing to be a little flustered. “Look, I’m aware that it doesn’t make a lot of sense but we have also only begun to scratch the surface of how neural interfacing with Ancient technology works, let alone the effects it has on the human body. Not to mention the fact that the Colonel is in a league of his own when it comes to ATA functionality and strength.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I understand that,” Dr. McKay countered, his hands now flapping around pointedly as he spoke. “But Sheppard uses Ancient technology all the time and does insane maneuvers in the jumper…”
Colonel Carter nodded and shifted to face Rodney, “Using the jumper and flying an entire city then having to turn around and land it a short time later… that is a lot for anyone, even Colonel Sheppard.”
“So are you saying that landing the city did something to him but you don’t know what and you can’t fix it?”
Teyla bit her lips as Ronon’s question washed over her. For all of their advanced abilities, would this be beyond their capabilities to correct and treat?
Thankfully, Dr. Keller shook her head quickly, “No… No, I mean it’s possible there’s something we are missing and I assure you we will be looking but truthfully, I just feel as though he’s exhausted.”
“We’re all exhausted,” McKay stated, “But we aren’t sleeping on the job.”
“But we didn’t all fly and land an entire city,” Ronon countered, his full attention now on McKay in a manner that dared him to make any further statements such as that one. Teyla understood, but John had also taught her enough about Rodney to know what he was truly saying and feeling.
“Fine, fine,” McKay retreated, hands raised defensively. “So… is he okay, then, or what? I can’t figure out if we are coming or going here.”
Dr. Keller shrugged slightly, “I believe he is okay, he just needs to… wake up. When he’s ready, that is. .”
Silence fell over them for a moment before Rodney spoke up again, “Are you suggesting that has a choice in the matter?”
Teyla wondered the same thing as she felt a new sense of dread wash over her: what if he didn’t want to wake up?
“I… I don’t know,” Jennifer conceded. “His brain waves suggest he should basically already be awake. But he’s not and honestly, the human brain is sometimes hard to fully understand or predict, especially with such extreme extenuating circumstances such as the ones he just went through. But, I’ve seen occasions in which the patient just didn’t… didn’t want to wake up.”
Rodney huffed loudly at this, but that sinking feeling in Teyla grew.
“We are talking about John Sheppard, here,” Rodney rattled off with an exasperated smile, “the man has mentally fended out more than one Wraith queen, was tortured multiple times and in hideous ways, never giving up or breaking. So if you’re worried about the man’s ability to fight or his will to keep fighting, then I’m afraid you may need to run a few more tests because that can’t be it.”
Teyla swallowed slowly and looked over at Ronon. Once again, she found familiarity in his eyes and knew he was sharing the same concern. Normally, she and Ronon would have likely agreed with Rodney as she had never seen anyone with a stronger will to live and fight for others than Colonel Sheppard. But today… today was different.
The danger was gone but so was Elizabeth. And Ronon had been the only other person present when the decision was made to leave her behind.
“Thank you for the update,” Colonel Carter said warmly, “Rodney and I need to work on reestablishing the link to the Milky Way and then we will come back, assuming he hasn’t already woken up and been released.”
Teyla appreciated the clear optimism presented by Colonel Carter. Rodney shifted uncomfortably before looking at Teyla and Ronon.
“You…. uh. Are you two going to stay with him?”
Teyla smiled and nodded, “Of course.”
“Not leaving until he wakes up,” Ronon mumbled.
Rodney then nodded and started to leave, before stopping suddenly and walking back.
“It just occurred to me,” he started, his eyes darting nervously between the two of them, “He… he probably hasn’t really processed… you know. And knowing him, he is probably letting it eat away at him and, I don’t know, but if there’s any truth to what Keller is saying…”
Teyla gently placed her hand on Rodney’s shoulder and spoke softly, “We will remind him of all the reasons he needs to wake up.”
Ronon nodded beside her and Rodney stared at them for a few more moments before turning to catch up with Colonel Carter.
“Yeah,” Dr. Keller said quietly, “I didn’t want to bring it up but with what happened to Dr. Weir, I imagine Colonel Sheppard may not have quite as much fight in him as he normally does. Like I said, though, I just think he needs some rest.”
Teyla smiled softly, sadly. “I believe you are right. You also appear to need rest, as well.”
Dr. Keller looked down and her lips tightened, “Yeah, well once I know for sure that he’s okay, I’ll hand over the infirmary to my staff. With Elizabeth gone, a prolonged absence of Colonel Sheppard would cause quite the dip in morale. The man is a beacon of hope for this base.”
Teyla and Ronon both smiled and nodded. Telya knew that to be true but suddenly wondered if John did.
“Can we see him?” Ronon asked, to which Dr. Keller nodded.
“Of course,” she replied, “would probably do him good.”
They were then led deeper into the infirmary and over to a pulled curtain. Jennifer pulled it aside for them, revealing the Colonel. Of all the times she had to see him in this place, this was one of the easiest in terms of appearance. He was a bit more pale than normal and had a few monitors and an IV snaking its way from his arm, but otherwise, he simply looked peaceful. True, she didn’t often see the ever-alert man in a state of sleep, but she was still thankful to see him look so restful. So at peace.
She suddenly wondered if they should be rushing to wake him up; to face the reality of a new planet, new concerns but with no Elizabeth to guide them expertly through it. If John’s body was demanding sleep, then who were they to try to deny him that luxury? Especially when the Colonel, himself, denied his own needs all too often.
“Sheppard,” Ronon grumbled beside her, bending down to get closer to his ear. “Time to get the hell up.”
Teyla rolled her eyes and shook her head. She knew that was how the two fiercely military men spoke to each other. Strange to others, perhaps, but entirely normal for their team.
Still, Teyla also knew her role. She reached out and gently wrapped her hand around his, relishing the warmth of his skin against hers.
“Colonel, if you could just open your eyes. Let us know you are alright, you can then go back to sleep,” Teyla added gently.
They both waited for a moment but still he did not move a muscle. Teyla squeezed his hand slightly, hoping for him to return the gesture, but when he didn’t, she felt fear increase within her. She knew it was still too soon to be worried, but seeing him so still was no longer providing her comfort. Perhaps it was the loss of Elizabeth still an open wound in her heart, but she found herself desperately needing to see the green of his eyes.
Teyla looked at Ronon and he stared back. This time, she did not see fear reflecting back at her and instead saw determination. Teyla frowned, wondering what he was thinking.
Without further warning, he leaned down and, with a hint of urgency, said, “Sheppard, there’s a Wraith hive ship on the way. We need you, buddy.”
Teyla felt her mouth drop open as she stared at Ronon. How could he fabricate such a thing, especially given John’s potentially frail condition?
“Ronon!” Teyla demanded, allowing the anger she normally concealed to spill over. “This is not the kind of help we were expected to provide. Colonel Sheppard is…”
But her admonition was interrupted by a clear change in the heart monitor that was attached to John. She felt his hand now twitching within her own and shot a disapproving look at Ronon. He only smirked and shrugged.
“It worked.”
Teyla huffed and turned back towards John, only to see green eyes staring back into hers. Her anger now forgotten, she drank in the sight of his features, awake and alert. He seemed tired - weary, even - as he looked back and forth between them.
“Did… did someone say a hive ship is coming?” he asked, his voice more gruff than normal.
Once again, Teyla glared at Ronon before turning back to John, “There is no hive ship approaching, Colonel. You landed the city and we are all safe.”
Colonel Sheppard frowned and glanced between them both, no doubt wondering what was going on.
“Ass,” he said finally, his eyes narrowed towards a grinning Ronon. “Why… why am I here?”
“You fainted,” Ronon said simply with a smirk.
“Passed out,” John corrected with a sideways glance. “I don’t… faint.”
Teyla suppressed a chuckle and gently patted his hand. “Dr. Keller believes the neural interface required to land the city, along with the stresses of the past few days, led to your body experiencing an adverse reaction and demanding much needed rest.”
John listened, but then Teyla watched as his eyes diverted down and sadness returned to his features. It was as if he was accepting that the loss of Elizabeth wasn’t actually a dream.
“Oh,” he replied simply. “Guess I need to get up. Work to do…”
Teyla could sense the brokenness within him and her heart ached for him.
“Keller said you weren’t waking up because you didn’t want to,” Ronon said suddenly, his face finally reflecting his own sadness and concern. Colonel Sheppard frowned in return.
“She saying I’m lazy?”
“No, Colonel,” Teyla responded, though she knew it was more so an attempt to deflect true emotion with humor. “The interface was overwhelming but when you would not easily wake up, she suggested that you were physically - and emotionally - drained to the point of… not fighting to wake up.”
John listened and again, just looked away. “Yeah… well I landed the city. Wasn’t the smoothest but I did it. I wasn’t needed anymore, anyway. Carter’s here…”
“You are always needed, Colonel,” Teyla corrected softly, her hand on his again. “But no one would blame your body for requiring rest…”
“There’s nothing you could have done, Sheppard,” Ronon said suddenly. Teyla looked at him quickly, her heart rate picking up. Yes, they had all been avoiding the mention of Elizabeth directly, even though it was clearly affecting John immensely. But apparently Ronon decided it was time to address it directly.
John didn’t look at him, just stared at some unknown object across the infirmary.
“I left her.”
“You had to,” Ronon responded, and Teyla let him take over. He had been there.
“No,” the Colonel responded, some anger now shining through the exhaustion. “We don’t leave people behind.”
“Sometimes it’s the only way,” Teyla added softly.
“There’s always another way…”
Ronon slammed her hand on the railing. It was not overly loud or forceful, but enough to signify he was feeling strongly about the conversation.
“Not this time, Sheppard,” he answered strongly. “I was there. She did the same thing you would have: sacrificed herself to save us. Save this whole city. And it worked. If you hadn’t left, we would all be dead and you know it.”
Teyla listened, fighting back tears as she imagined a scene in which John and Ronon had to make the hardest decision she could imagine.
“You let her be the hero, Sheppard,” he said, his tone gentle and strong. “I couldn’t ask for a better way to go down than knowing I made a difference. She did.”
Silence fell over them for a short time, and Teyla could see John’s features soften slightly. She knew the pain was far from gone and likely would never fully leave, but Ronon’s words had made a difference.
“Dr. McKay, I’ve already told you, I’ve checked and rechecked the scans and bloodwork,” a harassed Dr. Keller then stated as she reentered the infirmary with Rodney following closely behind. “He’s just sleeping. Feel free to sit with him… Oh! You’re awake!”
“What? How long has he been awake?” Rodney stammered, glancing accusingly between Teyla and Ronon.
“He’s right here,” Colonel Sheppard grumbled as he pulled himself up into a sitting position. Dr. Keller moved quickly to raise the bed to meet his back. “And I just woke up, McKay. Settle down. How’s Atlantis?”
Rodney waived his hand absentmindedly, “Fine, despite the massive splashdown you put the city through. Surely it hasn’t been so long since you kissed someone other than your own reflection to know what I meant by…”
“Rodney!” Teyla admonished, shooting him a disapproving look.
“Well why don’t you use your gene and piloting skills to land a freaking city next time?”
“Excuses, excuses,” Dr. McKay interjected, but Teyla could see both men found comfort in the normality of the bickering. “Anyway, everything is fine and we just reestablished the link with Earth. Colonel Carter is chatting away with General Landry now.”
John nodded and looked over at Dr. Keller, “Am I good to go?”
Jennifer nodded and put her hands in her pockets, “Yes, once I run one last set of tests, I don’t see why you can’t be cleared. However, you have to promise to get some rest and check in with me immediately if you feel anything out of the norm.”
The Colonel nodded and sat up more but stopped when he looked down at the gown he was wearing. Teyla suppressed her smile as she remembered how much he hated the hospital gown that tended to expose more skin than he approved of.
“Where are my clothes?”
“I’ll grab you another set,” Ronon stated as he turned to leave. “You bled on the other ones.”
“Well since you’re done being lazy,” Rodney started, glancing pointedly at the Colonel, “I’m going to help Zelenka with diagnostics.”
Sheppard nodded and Teyla smiled warmly at the Colonel when it was suddenly just the two of them. As was so often the case, she felt the weight of many words screaming to be exchanged between the two of them but as always, Teyla respected the Colonel’s unspoken wishes to avoid overly emotional conversations.
Still, there was something she needed to say.
“John, I must apologize for not checking on you sooner.”
He looked up at her and frowned. “What? No… you have nothing to be sorry about.”
Teyla had anticipated such a response. She shook her head and responded, “I know how difficult establishing a mental connection with technology can be. I should have checked on you sooner but instead, you were alone for an hour…”
The image of him curled up on the floor and the fear that they were too late replayed in her mind, sending chills down her spine. But when she looked back into his eyes, she sensed nothing but sincerity and softness.
“Teyla, so much has happened and there was so much going on… Really, I’m fine. Just being lazy, like McKay said.”
Teyla smiled and inclined her head. She knew he was right, in a sense. She also knew that he, himself, continued to bear the guilt of something he had little control over. “Perhaps we both should attempt to free our consciences from undeserved burdens.”
John looked away then, sadness overtaking his otherwise stony expression. “That was different. I left her. And I know what Ronon is saying I just… I left her.”
Teyla took a deep breath and felt her heart shatter. She had never seen John Sheppard so nearly broken. So defeated. A thought then came to her and while she knew it was a topic they had never really discussed, a memory they had chosen to address only in roundabout ways, it was now time to bring it up.
“Colonel, I remember vividly when Kolya had you. When we are all forced to watch that Wraith steal your life away,” she began, tears burning her eyes as emotion flowed through her. Surprisingly, he did not continue to divert his gaze and instead met hers in kind.
“And I remember watching Dr. Weir struggle during the videos, as well as afterwards, knowing that she could have ended it sooner by giving Kolya what he wanted.”
“He wouldn’t have let me go…”
“You don’t know that,” Teyla said quickly, hating how it came off more sharply than she intended but she needed him to understand. “All we knew at the time was that we had no idea where you were and our only chance at potentially shielding you from some of the worst torture imaginable was for Elizabeth to give in to Kolya’s demands. But she didn’t.”
“She did the right thing,” he said, his tone somewhere in between defensiveness and confusion.
“Yes,” Teyla agreed, “She did. Because she knew that despite the overwhelming pain it caused to both you and herself, the best thing for the greatest number of people was to stay strong. She desperately wanted to hand Ladon over. But she sacrificed her own desires and her own emotions to do what was right. And I know if given the option, you would never have traded places with her that day because people like us… Physical pain is far easier to bear than watching those we love suffer.”
John only listened now, his lips pressed into a tight line and eyebrows furrowed. She had never seen him cry, and likely never would, but this was probably the closest thing to it.
“When you followed Elizabeth’s orders on that planet… When you left her behind, you were forced to swap places with her, John. You were forced to put the greater good before your own desires and your own emotions, just as Elizabeth did on more than one occasion. And you do her memory no honor if you second guess and undermine the sacrifice she made. And the sacrifice you made by going against your very nature to protect at all costs.”
The Colonel finally looked away and down towards his feet that were now touching the floor as he sat perched on the bed. Without thinking - without caring - Teyla knew he needed that human touch. Or perhaps she did, but regardless, she stepped forward and wrapped her arms around him, and to her surprise, he accepted. She felt his head come to rest against her chest as the tears she had fought so hard to preserve spilled onto her cheeks.
Teyla rested her cheek for a moment within his dark, unruly hair, relishing the warmth of a man she cared for like family but rarely got to embrace. She knew this was a rare moment but it was also a needed one for both of them in light of the pain they were both feeling.
When she finally broke away, she brought her head to his for a brief moment, and was pleased to see some levity in his expression when she stepped back. The darkness was still within him, as was expected, but it was not consuming his entire essence as it was before.
“Thank you,” he said quietly, after a few moments of silence.
Teyla nodded and found herself thankful when Ronon chose that moment to enter the infirmary again. He threw the black pants and matching uniform shirt at the Colonel playfully.
“Was gonna get you sweats but figured you needed to look more official. New planet and all.”
John laughed and shrugged. “Yeah, wouldn’t want this stretch of ocean to see me underdressed.”
Teyla chuckled, happy to feel a little more normal at last.
“Eh, everyone seems a little jumpy. The scientists are freaked out and your guys are on edge. I just think seeing you will help,” Ronon responded, his tone more sincere than before.
Yes, Elizabeth and John had led Atlantis since the very first day and with Dr. Weir now gone and the city on an entirely new planet, Colonel Sheppard would be able to provide a great deal of reassurance with his presence alone.
“Yeah, yeah,” he said, though she could sense the hint of playfulness. “Well I guess break time’s over. Now, I appreciate you guys. Really, I do. But I think I can get dressed on my own.”
Teyla and Ronon laughed once more.
“See you, Sheppard.”
“Shall we meet for dinner around 6 pm?” Teyla asked hopefully, “The mess hall is operational once more and is rumored to be serving meatloaf tonight.”
Colonel Sheppard watched her for a moment before nodding. She imagined he wasn’t very hungry so she was relieved to see him accept her offer all the same.
“Wonderful,” Teyla grinned, “I will inform Rodney, as well.”
With that, she pulled the privacy curtain and accompanied Ronon out of the infirmary. As she passed the chairs designated for waiting, the ones she had sat in not long ago, she found herself trying to focus on the good: they were not whole and never would be again, most likely. But they were okay.
And after the many sacrifices made to get them to this point, the least Teyla could do was to move forward with hope and determination. And most of all, with the continued decision to cherish every moment, however mundane it may seem, with those who made life worth living.