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Maybe it was the deadlines creeping up to him. Maybe it was the looming feeling of failing a test.
Maybe it’s the desire to still be loved.
Maybe it was the desire not to be abandoned.
Maybe that’s why Tommy Innes Soot was studying despite it being almost 4am.
Tommy Innes Soot grew up in an orphanage.
What a surprise, isn’t this what happens in every mildly dramatic TV series ever.
Being adopted officially was one of the highlights of his life, it was like he was being freed from chains.
But god was he wrong.
He attached himself to an entirely new set of chains he imposed on himself.
His adoptive father, Wilbur was one of the most amazing people he’d known. This only made him want to be the best for him, be perfect for his father, make his father want to keep him.
So he just made it harder for himself to live, be free from chains he attached to himself.
He was just so fucking tired.
Why was it so hard?
Why was being the picture perfect son so hard?
The words on the paper he was writing on stared back, almost mocking him.
He can’t do this anymore, he can’t fucking do this to himself anymore.
Tommy shook his head.
No, no, no, no.
He can’t afford to stop for a second, his brain was just being weird he needed to continue working hard.
Wilbur was the best parent he’d ever had. Wilbur cared for the blonde, looked after him, and gave him presents.
Wilbur was kind to him.
Wilbur loved him.
And god fucking damn it he was not going to be sent back to the fucking orphanage.
Tommy just needed coffee.
Yeah definitely! Just a quick sip of caffeine.
He stood up, not expecting to immediately black out and faint.
Only a few seconds had passed when he regained consciousness.
Worried, he checked the time, 4:30am. No one would be awake, he was fine. No one can berate him for staying up late.
Why did his head hurt so much?
He slowly crept over to the kitchen, ignoring how weird his brain felt.
He turned on the kettle and started preparing his coffee. He felt so fatigued the entire time.
He walked back to his room, coffee burning his hand but he disregarded it.
Tommy sat back on his chair and started studying and he didn’t fucking stop, not until morning and Wilbur came to wake him up.
It was about 6am.
There was a knock on the door and Wilbur’s voice came through, “Wake up sunshine! It’s morning and you need to get to school”
“Alright dad” Tommy called out.
He pushed himself up.
Black dots danced in his vision again but he held the table firmly, waiting it out so he didn’t faint again. He didn’t want to worry his father.
The blonde closed up his book and quickly set everything in his bag hurriedly.
He didn’t know if he had the energy to get ready for the morning. But god fucking damn it no one cared if he couldn’t pick himself up, no one cared if he was so burnt out that he can no longer be lit up.
All people cared about was making sure he looked like he was bright and lit up.
Tommy got ready for the day albeit not as ‘clean’ as most people would be after showering.
He sat on the island greeting Wilbur with the most enthusiastic greeting he could muster.
Wilbur responded with a cheerful, “Good morning, kiddo! Sleep well?”
“Uh yeah, I slept fine” Tommy lied, and he lied so easily.
Wilbur hummed in acknowledgement.
A comfortable silence set over the kitchen, the only noise being the sizzling of sausages and eggs.
Not very soon after Wilbur put down a plate of eggs and sausages in front of Tommy, he then moved around the island to sit next to Tommy with his own plate of food.
Tommy picked at his food for 10 minutes, taking about 5 bites before deeming it enough.
He got up and picked up his bags but before he could leave his dad said something.
“Toms, are you sure you’ve eaten enough? Your plate is almost full,” his father said. It wasn’t in a condescending way (it never was), he was genuinely concerned for Tommy.
“Yeah, dad, I’ll be fine!” Tommy said, trying to be as energetic as he possibly could despite surviving off of coffee and a few bites of eggs.
“You don’t need to leave this early Toms! You have an hour” Wilbur mentioned, concerned. Of course Tommy couldn’t get it through his head that Wilbur was concerned, maybe it was the autism, he didn’t really know.
“Oh, well, the walk is pretty far so I should head out now if I wanna get there in time.” Tommy said, plastering a smile on his face.
“I can drive you, it’s no problem,” Wilbur said, getting up.
“Oh no, no, no, it’s no problem! You have work, it’s alright!” Tommy hurriedly exclaimed.
“No, it’s alright, I have the day off today, I’ll drive you!” Wilbur declared, getting up.
“Dad, I don’t wanna cause a hiccup in your day,” The blonde explained, his hands moving wildly since he was unable to put his thoughts into words very well.
“It’s alright! I have nothing planned today. Why not spend a day with my son huh?” WIlbur grinned, he walked towards Tommy and gave him a side hug.
Then the brunette walked over to the doors, grabbed his keys and gestured for his son to follow him, which the blonde did quite begrudgingly.
Wilbur got in the car and waited for Tommy to enter.
Most of the drive was silent except for the radio.
But it was a comfortable silence, it was always a comfortable silence.
It was never suffocating, never like his old homes.
He leaned his head on his window and allowed himself a nap, albeit a short one.
Once they reached the school, Tommy got gently shaken awake.
“Wake up sunshine, we’re here” Wilbur spoke softly.
Tommy made a noise of acknowledgement before he stretched and got up, grabbing his bag and started leaving.
“Thanks for the ride, dad,” he thanked, “be safe”
“You too”
Tommy then turned his back to the car and heaved a sigh.
He walked into school. Of course all the noise overstimulated him immediately, god fucking damn it, why couldn’t he be normal?
He was way earlier than expected, he had about 45 minutes until his first class so he headed to the library to his spot.
Where he and his friends always hung out, he knew they wouldn’t be there yet but they would be there, soon.
He put in his earphones and listened to the EP volume 1 by swim school.
By the end one of his friends, Tubbo, arrived.
“Hey, Tubbo!” Tommy greeted.
Tubbo nods in his direction as a greeting.
The brunette feigned collapsing and landed on a bean bag chair.
“Are you ready for the exams coming up?” Tubbo asked, looking over at Tommy, who was pausing his music.
“Honestly I don’t think I am. I should study more” Tommy said, his eyes trailing to focus on a wall, not wanting to look his friends in the eye.
“Same!” the brunette said, a little louder than he should’ve, “I haven’t started on physics at all” and then Tubbo just started rambling.
Tommy slowly tuned it out to be fuzz in his ears, don’t get him wrong he loved his friends but he did not care enough about this rambles this early in the morning.
He was zoned out for the most part, focusing his gaze on a bookshelf until Tubbo started snapping his fingers.
“You didn’t respond to me or Ran’s texts yesterday despite discord saying you were online and listening to music” The brunette said, tilting his head, looking a little confused.
“Oh uh….” Tommy stumbled, trying to come up with a lie on the spot, “I think I must’ve fallen asleep at my desk yesterday”
Tubbo frowned, “You really need to stop overworking yourself man, it’s not good for you.”
“Oh no, I’m fine, I promise!” Tommy said, exaggerating his hand movements.
Ranboo spoke up, “Tommy, you have been studying non stop for ages, it’s okay to take a break.”
Neither Tubbo or Tommy knew when Ranboo got there but it didn’t really matter much, they were always an enigma of sorts.
“Guys, I’m fine! Trust me!” He put his realest plastic smile, just hoping they’d believe him.
Tubbo and Ranboo both chose not to argue but the looks on either of their faces showed they did anything but believe him.
So, they dropped the topic. Settling on quiet chatter that really meant nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Hours passed and school ended.
Tommy, exhausted from lack of sleep, trudged out of school. His friends’ talking tuned out in his ears.
He meant to drop them off first, I mean that’s what he always does! He’s just respectful like that, you know? It’s not like in his mind, his friends mattered more than he did.
No, no definitely not that, why would he ever think that!
He crossed that thought out of his mind, that didn’t happen.
Tommy was suddenly in front of his house- not alone, huh. That’s not normal.
“Guys wait- I wanna drop you guys off, why are we at my house first?” the blonde stated, brows furrowing.
“Look, Tommy, you always drop us off, we can handle ourselves for once, we promise, just for once we wanna take you home, make sure you're okay. Make sure you're safe” Tubbo said, a smile on his face.
“I-” he trailed off, unsure of what to say, “Thank you guys, thanks, yeah thanks.” he finished dismissively, entering his house half slamming his door shut.
Did they hate him? Did they want to get rid of him? That must be it, he’s a shitty person why wouldn’t anyone not want to get rid of him.
He walked to his room, shutting the door behind him and set his bag down and crashed.
His legs folded into itself and he collapsed, curling into himself.
The blonde didn’t know what to do, why did no one like him?
If he cried, no one had to know.
He got up, this was not an excuse to stop studying. He needs to be getting good grades, all the time.
That’s his only redeemable quality.
That’s why people like him?
Right?
So he studied until his eyes grew red, the words blurring into each other pages becoming chapters without even knowing it.
A knock on his door.
“Toms, Tommy, you okay in there?” his dad called through the door.
“Huh- Oh yeah I’m great dad! Just studying.” he put on his best cheerful voice, not wanting to show the tired drawl that was coming out just seconds ago when he was muttering to himself.
“Hope you're not overworking yourself, come out, it’s dinnertime, you should eat. I made your favourite!” Wilbur said, just slightly pushing the door open.
Then Tommy heard the sound of walking and slowly the footsteps faded.
Tommy was hungry, he’ll admit that.
He capped his pen, shut his textbooks, slammed the display of his laptop shut, turned off his headphones and tossed it onto his bed, getting up.
Nothing’s new.
Yet it all feels different in his head.
He pulled his door open and walked to the dining room, his feet dragging along the floor, almost agonisingly slowly.
There Wilbur was, sitting in his usual seat, a plate in front of him and another across from him, clearly Tommy’s.
Tommy sat down from across Wilbur, picking at his food a little, not really in the mood to eat.
“Hey, love, Toms, are you sure you’re okay? This is not the same sunshine I’m used to, quite dim as of late. I’m here for you. You know that right?” Wilbur said, looking directly at Tommy.
“Yeah- Yeah I’m fine! Just finals coming up I feel a bit stressed because of it,” he tried to laugh it off, even if it fell a little flat.
“Take care of yourself sunshine, don’t want your light going out on me,” Wilbur half-joked, “but seriously, if you need anything I’m right here, okay Toms?”
Tommy inhaled deeply and then nodded, turning back to his food.
He ate about half of it before pushing the rest away, “I’m full, I think I’ll go back to studying now”
Wilbur frowned, their prior conversation coming to an abrupt end, “Yeah, go ahead, Toms. Just don’t overwork yourself, alright?”
The blonde nodded, “Alright, dad.”
He trudged back to his room.
He uncapped his pen, opened his textbook, and put his headphones back on, slowly lifting the display of his laptop up.
And he studied, he studied until he barely understood what he was learning, he studied until he couldn’t.
He then looked at the empty cup beside him, formerly filled with coffee. He decided to get a refill.
He looked at the time.
4:32am.
Surely nobody would be awake, right?
He grabbed the cup, lack of sleep barely keeping his eyes open.
Tommy stood up, and stumbled. Obvious first instinct was to grab the table, when he did follow through with his instincts he lost hold of the cup he was previously keeping cupped between his hands.
It fell to the ground with a large ‘crash!’
The blonde furrowed his brows, hissing through his teeth.
Fuck! He was too loud.
And there was the door being opened, followed by footsteps.
Tommy was too stunned to do anything, what would be best in this scenario? What should he do?
And then his door opened.
The panic in his mind only set in further.
“You okay, sunshine?” Wilbur’s voice asked soothingly, coming in quietly.
“Uhm” the blonde scrambled to formulate a lie, “yeah I am! I woke up all of a sudden and noticed the mess on my desk, so I wanted to keep this cup in the kitchen.” he played it off with a laugh.
Wilbur’s face told him enough, Wilbur was not convinced.
“Toms, okay. I’ve been hearing all your late night escapades from your room and back, it’s obvious you aren’t sleeping nor taking care of yourself. What’s wrong? I’m here for you, always.” Wilbur confronted, a small frown on his face.
“I- I’m okay, dad. I’m okay.” he kept repeating the words ‘I’m okay’.
“Love, darling, Tommy, Toms,” the brunette started stressing his words, “Are you trying to convince me you’re okay, or are you trying to convince yourself?”
Tommy froze.
Who was he trying to convince?
“You, you, I’m convincing you.” he blabbered out.
“No you aren’t, we both know you aren’t.” Wilbur said, voice barely over a whisper.
Tommy nodded, barely aware as to why he was nodding.
The brunette took a deep breath, and sat down on Tommy’s bed, patting the empty space next to him, gesturing for his son to sit.
Tommy very awkwardly stumbled into the space next to Wilbur, nearly completely collapsing.
“I’ve heard you get up at night to make coffee or clean a dish or make a snack, are you okay? Are you not sleeping well, is that a problem to do with your room? Your bed?”
“No it’s not, my room’s perfect. Everything here is fine.”
“Then why haven’t you been sleeping? Eating properly? Why are there eyebags basically sunk into your skin? It’s okay to need help, that’s why I’m here. I’m here to help, forever and always.” Wilbur said in a no-bullshit tone. He was serious and will not take Tommy’s ‘I’m okay’s’ anymore.
“I have- I have, I promise I have!”
Wilbur took a breath, calming himself down.
“Tommy, I can see you’re not okay. And it’s fine to not be okay, but I’m here and I want you to take care of yourself. So if you could just tell me why, I could help you. I want to help you. I’m here to help you”
Tommy nodded, he swallowed thickly, his mind still barely working from lack of sleep.
“I- I wanted to make you proud. I wanted to study, do the best anyone has done in these exams. And make you proud. So you’d love me. So you’d care.” Tommy said, the words coming out more in a jumble than he expected it to.
Wilbur nodded, his eyes filling with concern.
“Tommy, darling, I’m already proud of you. I already love you. I already care about you. You don’t need to prove that to me, you shouldn’t need to prove that to anyone, and it’s fucked up that you think you need to.”
Tommy tried to speak, words falling flat on his tongue, he tried saying something but it was just an incoherent mis-mangle of noise.
A sob ripped out of the blonde's throat and his father wrapped his arms around the former.
And Tommy sobbed until he got all of his emotions out, until he felt okay again.
And following that was a discussion about how Tommy needed to take care of himself and that should always be number one priority for him.
After that conversation Tommy went to sleep.
Like actual sleep, not some half assed, ‘oh I slept for 20 minutes!’ bullshit.
He woke up feeling more human than he had ever felt, he felt fresh for once.
Which I know, crazy concept!
He got ready without feeling the need to try and cram information into his head at any given opportunity he had.
The eggshells he always felt like he was walking on didn’t exist anymore.
Tommy felt more human than anyone had ever seen him act.
Eating breakfast entirely was an experience and a welcome one! He didn’t need to save room for as much coffee as his brain told him to.
Why would he anyway?
Even at school people noticed how much more alive he seemed.
Face no longer looking gaunt, a spring in his step, energy behind his words. The energy that was lost mere hours ago.
“Dude, what happened why’re you so happy all of a sudden?” Tubbo asked, struggling to keep up with the pace Tommy was walking at.
“I just realised, maybe exams aren’t the only thing that I should care about, y’know?” Tommy responded simply, leaving that conversation at that.
Soon enough he went home and he didn’t immediately run up to his room to study. He sat down and took the time to say hi to his dad before going up.
Even when he went up he didn’t just immediately pull out the books.
He booted up his computer and played a game, everyone needs a break sometimes.
When it became time for dinner he didn’t stall, he went and ate.
Afterwards Wilbur asked if Tommy wanted to come watch a movie with him.
Instead of denying on the pretence of studying he said yes.
And he watched the movie, and enjoyed it.
He took time for himself.
Maybe taking care of yourself is actually first priority?
Wild to think of that statement as true, but today just showed Tommy that it was. Taking care of himself was first priority.