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December 2012
They first kissed in December.
Adam could never forget how cold that night was, and how surprised he was to find Ronan so warm as their bodies pressed together. The world narrowed down to the softest touch of lips, and each breath seemed to fill the entire room.
They barely noticed when it began to snow.
In the weak light, Ronan was all sharp angles, and Adam had the strangest thought of cutting himself as he brushed his thumb over his cheekbone. He was still young enough to be consumed with the mere idea: I have this. This is mine.
But still, nothing felt real enough back then.
Ronan tightened his grip because he was afraid he would wake, and Adam closed his eyes because he could not bear to watch Ronan leave once he realized this was all a mistake – Adam Parrish was not so worthy after all.
It was almost refreshing back then, having to worry about something other than the third sleeper, Glendower, Cabeswater, or Gansey’s demise. They were both bigger than their own damn skin, and it was a wonder how they even got this far.
December was the month of being scared, but not being brave enough to admit it.
December 2013
“I see you left some things out the last time we talked,” Adam said flatly when he went to pick up Ronan at the airport in Boston.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” the other boy answered back and made an irritated noise when Adam tried to get his bags.
It really was nothing serious, but Adam was not about to let this go easily. “You should have told me.” He tried to sound mournful, but the way his lips quirked made it obvious that he was teasing. It wasn’t the first time he wondered whether it was as clear to everyone else as it was to him that he was completely gone for this boy.
They had not seen each other for almost four long months, filling that time with short phone calls instead, because Ronan was still disdainful of technology and Harvard was no easy feat for Adam. Ronan would have arrived earlier, but Declan insisted on having him and Matthew attend Christmas Mass at St. Agnes. He was still in a dress shirt although he had long lost his tie. Now, he mumbled, “Jesus, let it go.” In a self-conscious manner, he brushed a hand over his head while a tearful girl screamed as she ran toward a waiting pair of arms. Hesitantly, he added, “You don’t like it?”
Ronan’s tone made something weaken inside Adam. He reached out to run his fingers through the short dark strands, only pulling away a moment too late. Although Adam no longer had difficulties demonstrating affection in public (it took them three months before he found the courage to hold Ronan’s hand on the streets in Virginia), Ronan was still skittish with anything that felt too intimate. The first time Adam tried to kiss him outside their shitty local theatre, Ronan had turned away and his lips fell on his cheek instead. It hurt back then, but Adam understood better than anyone else. If Ronan had the patience to wait three months just to have his hand held, Adam would wait however long for everything else.
“I like it,” Adam said, and tried to lighten things up. “No one would guess that you shout ‘anarchy’ at anyone who would listen.”
Ronan snorted, but it was worth the smile. “Who gives a shit whether they listen?”
Adam never wanted to kiss him more in that moment. Instead, he said, “Come on, Gansey’s car is downstairs.”
Gansey had offered his Camaro while he was splitting his time between D.C. with his family and Henrietta with Blue. Although it was difficult for him to accept initially, Adam said yes – on the condition that he would pay for the gas, of course. Despite knowing about their relationship, Gansey had also offered his half of their dorm room. Adam didn’t have the heart to tell him how unnecessary that was.
With every passing moment, the airport seemed to get increasingly crowded with people flying in at the very last minute. Adam was trying to navigate their way to the elevator when he felt a hand on his arm.
“Parrish,” the voice called, softly but surely.
Adam paused and gave the other boy a questioning look.
An inhale, the closing of distance, and the brush of lips against lips.
Ronan was flushed when they pulled apart, yet his eyes were determined. “I-” he began but did not continue. It didn’t matter because Adam had always been good at filling the gaps.
I’m sorry it took me so long.
It was a time when words failed – when none of them could fit quite right. So, Adam moved closer and delivered the kiss he longed to give the moment he saw Ronan appear. He tugged lightly on the other boy’s hair, giddy with the new sensation, and Ronan kissed back the way he did when they were alone.
December never felt so good.
December 2014
“I’m working, Gansey,” Adam said instead of a greeting when he answered the phone.
“Oh.” An awkward clearing of throat, then, “I heard about the fight.”
Adam sighed and signaled to his coworker that he will be back. As he headed outside the office, he replied, “I’m handling it.”
“You haven’t spoken to him in days,” Gansey answered back drily.
“Look.” Adam could almost see stars from how hard he was pressing the heel of his palm into his eyes. “You don’t know what this is about.”
“You’re right. So, talk to him,” Gansey told gently. After a short pause, he added, “He’s been drinking again. I’m worried.”
Exhaling, Adam said, “I’ve got to go.” He disconnected the line before Gansey could say anything else.
It took everything in him to walk back into the office and carry on with his work as if everything was alright; but when Adam got back to his room, the dorm swallowed by the quiet with everyone away for the break, every breath was an unbearable weight. Finally, he pulled out his phone and dialed. His heart stilled when he heard the voice: “Yeah?”
Adam tried to keep his tone emotionless as he said, “I heard you’ve been indulging in your bad habits again.”
There was the sound of something falling to the ground, then, a mutter: “Gansey’s a fucking snitch.”
They were quiet for a long while, simply missing each other over the line, until Adam said honestly, “I don’t want to fight anymore.”
Ronan sighed. “And you think I do?”
Adam leaned against the wall. “I know you’re still angry.”
“I’m still fucking pissed,” Ronan clarified. “It’s supposed to be Christmas, Parrish. I can’t believe you’d rather take up a job than come back here.”
“I know,” Adam answered in a strained voice.
“I’m so mad at you,” Ronan declared, but there was no heat behind those words.
Adam took in a shuddering breath. Finally, he admitted quietly, “It scares the hell out of me.”
There was such a long pause that he was afraid that he had lost Ronan until he heard him ask, “What does?”
Tightening his grip on the phone, Adam let his soul rip. “Going back there. All my life, I just wanted to get away. I just… I feel like once I step back into Henrietta, I’ll never get to leave again, and that scares me. I know it makes no sense. I know that it wasn’t all bad. I know I shouldn’t have taken the job just to avoid going back. I’m working on it.” More quietly, he repeated, “I’m working on it.”
“Adam.” The way Ronan said his name was oddly comforting. “You should have told me.”
“I know.” Adam smiled at the floor. “I swear, Ronan, I’m working on it.”
“Okay,” the other boy answered back without a trace of doubt in his voice.
“I swear. I swear I’ll be home one day.”
December 2015
Adam smiled when he felt Ronan press a kiss on the back of his neck where they lay bare underneath the heavy blankets in front of the fireplace.
The past week at the Barns was like a hazy dream, cancelling his fears second by second. Noah had decided to haunt 300 Fox Way during Adam’s stay because he didn’t want to risk walking into them. So, they had the entire house to themselves, and for once, Adam got to sleep in.
Every morning, he would wait until Ronan woke too, and that never took long. It was as though they were fine-tuned to each other by now. Adam would watch those eyes flutter open, and he would ask, “How’s Cabeswater?” Ronan’s answers would vary between “Quiet,” “Happy that you’re back,” and “Sulking like a fucking jilted lover.” It was strange to no longer have it be a part of his life, to no longer hear the haunting rustle of leaves in his ear, but it was not something Adam would go on complaining about.
Lazily, they would go downstairs, and Adam would make breakfast as Ronan complained while he waited. Every afternoon, the phone would ring with Orla on the other line, exasperatedly relaying, “Casper wants to know whether it’s safe for him to go home.”
There was a comfortable peace to this December. They had even hosted dinner last night, and Adam finally got to meet the guys Ronan had hired to help fix up the farm. He was in the middle of a conversation with Blue when he paused, caught by how different Ronan seemed to carry himself in front of these newfound friends. He was snapped out of his trance when Blue snorted.
“I know,” she said intuitively. “It’s so weird.”
The corner of his lips lifted. “Have you heard what they call him?”
Blue put on a deeper voice and said, “Yes, boss. Sure thing, boss.”
Adam simply laughed and shook his head.
“You know,” Blue told, “he’s actually quite good at what he’s doing.”
He simply stared at the beautiful boy on the other side of the room as he answered, “He’s great at it.”
Now, Adam shifted underneath the covers so he could face Ronan. “Hey,” he said so quietly that anyone else would have missed it.
Ronan didn’t. “Merry Christmas,” he mumbled drowsily.
Adam nudged his toes against Ronan’s shin and said, “I’ve got something for you.”
The other boy seemed to snap awake at that. “We said no presents.”
Shrugging, Adam told, “I know, but I saw it after we talked. I just… It’s what I want to give you.”
Ronan stared at him for a long time before flopping on his back and sighing in mock irritation. “Well, get on with it.”
After leaning in for a brief kiss, Adam reached for his jacket that was thrown on the carpet an arm’s length away. He pulled the box out of the pocket, and handed it over more carefully than was necessary.
Wordlessly, Ronan sat up and took it in his hands. He snapped open the lid and stared at its content.
“It’s a promise ring,” Adam said nervously. “You don’t have to take it.” Suddenly, he began to berate himself for acting on his small-town-boy romantic ideals – how stupid he was, how presumptuous. He moved to take the box back when Ronan quickly shifted it out of his reach.
“Of course I fucking want it,” Ronan said fervently, eyes charged with emotion. “You gave it to me. You can’t take it back.”
“I don’t want to,” Adam whispered earnestly.
Ronan swallowed hard then said, “I’m just… I’m pissed that I don’t have anything to give you.”
Adam shook his head. “You don’t need to.”
With incredible raw honesty, Ronan answered back, “I want to, you idiot.”
Saying nothing, Adam took the box from Ronan without any resistance this time. Gently, he removed the silver band from where it was nestled, and he reached for Ronan’s left hand. His heart filled when it fit perfectly.
“I want to do this properly someday,” Adam admitted.
Instead of answering, Ronan kissed him fiercely. “Fuck,” he said shakily when they had to breathe. “Don’t even think about fucking moving. I need to dream.”
Adam watched Ronan lie back on his pillow, and replied with amusement, “I can’t wait to tell everyone how my boyfriend went to sleep right after I put a ring on him.”
“Shut up,” Ronan grunted but smiled the way he always did when Adam called him his boyfriend.
An hour later, Adam had a matching silver band on his finger, with an inscription, Vi et animo.
With heart and soul.
December 2016
“So,” Ronan dragged the word out. “When can I see it?”
Adam shrugged and thanked the waitress as she placed a glass of water before him. “No idea,” he answered. “Amelia said that she wants to premiere it at some festival.”
A few months ago, one of the girls who lived in Adam’s building had approached him, telling him that her sister who graduated two years ago was directing a film and was looking for someone to play the main character. She told him that she had read the script and saw him as the perfect fit.
She asked, “Have you acted before?”
“Never,” Adam answered truthfully.
“Well, think about it.” Then, she said the thing that incited him: “It'll make your résumé stand out.”
A week later, he met Amelia who fervently agreed with her sister, and suddenly they were discussing schedules and working out the pay. Ronan was in hysterics when he told him about this over the phone. “Adam Parrish as a film star! Fuck, who would have thought?”
Adam had rolled his eyes. “It’s nothing big. Probably no one will ever see it.”
Strangely enough, Ronan had been adamant on being one of the first to watch it. Now, picking at his burger in the diner, he said, “You know that I won’t let you bullshit your way out of us going when the day comes, right?”
Adam sighed and answered, “Shut up and eat your burger.”
As always, his voice was nothing but fond.
December 2017
Adam yanked open the door and quickly climbed into Gansey’s car. He was nearly out of breath as he greeted, “Hey.”
Gansey smiled. “How’s the Hollywood life?”
Adam groaned. “Don’t start.”
“Appearing on talk shows and running away from the paparazzi,” Gansey continued regardless. “Who would have thought a poli-sci degree could do this much?”
“Jesus.” Adam shook his head, suddenly overwhelmed with his situation. “Ronan must be flipping his shit.”
“You should hear what he yells at the journalists who dare appear at his doorstep.” The other boy laughed.
Suddenly, emotion welled in Adam’s throat as he was consumed with every single worry that planted itself in his head ever since Amelia’s film showed at fucking Sundance and got a standing ovation. Fear overshadowed whatever possible pride or happiness as his life grew crowded with nameless faces and the way Ronan backed away from kissing him in public again.
Sensing the dark mood in the car, Gansey asked, “What’s wrong?”
Adam was glad when his voice didn’t break as he said, “I’m scared of losing everything.”
Gansey’s face seemed to shatter and he veered his car to the side of the road in a manner that Adam was pretty certain was illegal. Gansey twisted his body in his seat to face him. Then, fervently, he told, “You won’t. You won’t lose him.”
Adam was never so proud to have someone as kind and fearless as his best friend.
December 2018
Frowning at his window, Adam called out to his apartment in downtown New York, “I think it’s going to rain.”
Ronan appeared from the bedroom with his bags in one hand. “I told you it won’t.”
Taking a careful sip from the mug in his hand, Adam said, “I’m telling you it will. Your flight might get delayed.”
“Stop worrying,” Ronan groused. He snatched the mug from Adam and took a long swig. It was almost automatic when Adam smiled as he watched.
There was always something bittersweet when Ronan went back to Virginia after his visits every couple of weeks. Back when Adam was in Harvard, they had vaguely talked about living at the Barns together after he graduated, but now, rather unexpectedly, filming and theatre tied Adam down in New York.
“Maybe I should cancel lunch,” Adam thought out loud.
Ronan rolled his eyes. “I can get to the airport on my own. Go have your fancy lunch.”
Adam gave the other boy’s collarbone a quick kiss, then, he said, “Fine, let’s go. I don’t want you to be late.”
It was almost a routine when Ronan carried his own bags as they made their way downstairs. Adam didn’t bother trying to help anymore, knowing Ronan well enough by now. He watched as Ronan dumped them into the back of the cab.
“Call me when you arrive,” Adam said as he did every single time. When it began to drizzle, his look turned smug.
Ronan huffed but shifted closer, and right in the middle of the busy sidewalk, they kissed. New York was nothing more than a soundtrack then.
Adam had felt the words, sweet against his lips.
“I love you.”
December 2020
Adam jerked awake when he felt something warm roll on top of him.
“Get off,” he mumbled, shoving at Ronan weakly.
“Too bad.” Ronan began to press kisses along his neck. “You’re stuck with me.”
“I should have kept the receipt,” Adam choked out in between laughs as the other boy tickled him.
Then Ronan scraped his skin with teeth and muttered, “Jerk.”
Gathering all his remaining energy after a rather enthusiastic night, Adam rolled and pinned Ronan underneath him. “Hey,” he said quietly. “I’m glad I married you.”
“Nerd,” Ronan huffed, but still, he blushed so damn prettily.
December 2023
“No, I didn’t forget the beer and steak for my husband and his other half,” Adam told drily, referring to Chainsaw.
On the other line, Ronan asked, “Will you be home soon?”
“Just got to find my damn keys,” Adam grumbled irritably.
Ronan bit out a laugh. “You’re such an old man.”
“It’s because I can’t feel my fingers,” Adam argued defensively. Henrietta was experiencing an unusually brutal winter. It was barely four in the afternoon and the town was already eerily quiet.
“If you say so, babe,” Ronan said and hung up before Adam could answer back indignantly.
As Adam shoved his phone into his jeans, he tried to comfort himself. He was not old, damn it. He was just… growing. Everyone grew, right? Quickly, he dug around his coat in search of his keys, shifting the grocery bag from one arm to the other. He was checking his other pocket when he heard a soft cry.
Adam paused in motion, almost certain that he had imagined it. Then, he heard it again, longer this time. Giving up on the keys, he followed the sound down an alley. A short distance away, settled on top of the garbage, a baby swaddled in a thin blanket gave a sad cry. Adam was so caught by the sight that for a long moment, he simply stood there in shock.
A thing like this wasn’t too much of a surprise for a small town like Henrietta, but Adam never thought that he would encounter it himself. When he finally snapped out of it, he dropped the grocery bag and reached for the baby. Adam almost panicked when he felt how cold its skin was. Immediately, he took off his coat and his sweater, wrapping both around the baby. The sight was almost comically excessive, but Adam could only think about giving this child warmth. Cradling the small body against his chest, he ran back to the store, thankful for the heaters that were at full blast.
The baby was asleep as Adam dug out his phone. First, he called the police, then, he dialed Ronan’s number. His calm demeanor when he talked to the police seemed to melt away, and now, Adam could barely get the words out. He knew Ronan was worried, but when Ronan swore and told him that he would be there soon, Adam began to feel reassured.
As he waited, he held the baby as closely as possible. Who would do this to a child? How could anyone do this to a baby?
Ronan arrived moments before the police did. He was wordless as he stared at the child in Adam’s arms. They both were. Then, the police came and took the baby from them. When Adam asked what was going to happen to it, the pudgy officer sighed. “Boy’s pro’ly goin’ in the system.”
Adam felt Ronan grip his hand tightly as the cruiser drove out of their sight, the baby – him, him – getting further and further away from them.
When Ronan finally spoke, it was to ask, “Parrish, how would you like to have a kid with me?”
Reverently, Adam pressed his lips to the other boy’s knuckles and answered, “I thought you would never ask.”
December 2024
From the kitchen, Ronan yelled, “Matthew, stop reading that book to Alexander!” The book was a Christmas gift from Declan, and was something far too complex for a child less than two years old.
“Tell Noah to stop singing that stupid song too,” Adam ordered as he took the turkey out of the oven.
Ronan complied and yelled, “Noah, Adam told you to shut up!”
Adam paused in his inspection of the turkey to shoot him a dirty glare, only to be met with a filthy smirk. Aurora must have opened the door because they suddenly heard Gansey enter with a loud HO, HO, HO!
A minute later, Blue breezed into the kitchen, pregnant and beautiful. “I tried to stop him,” she relayed cryptically before striding back out to the main room.
They barely had time to respond when Gansey appeared before them, fully dressed as Santa.
“Jesus Christ.” Ronan’s voice was in disbelief. Adam had frozen in shock too, his knife poised above the turkey.
Gansey asked curiously, “You don’t like it?”
With an irritated tsk, Ronan said, “Well, are you going to be the one to tell our kid that Santa’s not real in a couple of years?”
Adam’s heart warmed at the words: our kid. As though summoned, Blue returned with Alexander in her arms.
“Ho, ho, ho,” Gansey greeted again. “There’s our little Alexander Hamilton.”
Sighing, Adam dropped the knife on the counter and reached for the child. “Please stop calling him that,” he repeated for the thousandth time.
“The sad thing is that he thinks he’s being funny,” Blue told as she grabbed a slice of mince pie without asking.
Adam was about to protest when Alexander wriggled and went, “Dada.” Excitedly, Adam exchanged a glance with Ronan, about to rejoice at those first words, when Alexander continued, “Dadadadadada.”
Ronan burst out laughing and took him from Adam’s arms. “You should have seen your dad’s face,” he told the smiling child.
Adam kissed the top of Alexander’s head before checking on the turkey again. “Don’t listen to your dad,” he simply said.
December 2027
When Adam woke at eight-thirty in the morning, he was surprised to be greeted by silence. Turning to his side, he kissed Ronan on the cheek, watching those eyes blink open slowly.
“He’s still asleep,” Adam told him quietly.
Ronan shifted to check the time, then grinned. “Thank fucking god,” he breathed out. It wasn’t so often they could sleep in with a child that was an early riser.
In the soft morning light, Adam finally found it in him to admit, “I’ve been thinking about taking a break from work.”
Ronan said nothing for a long while, and when he did, he wouldn’t look at Adam. “How long?”
“As long as possible,” Adam answered truthfully, nudging his nose against Ronan’s so that the other boy would finally look at him. “I mean it. I hate being away for so long all the time. I should be with you and Alexander… I want to be.”
The way Ronan looked at him was the same way he did when they were eighteen, but at thirty-three, they knew a lot more than they did back then.
Ronan said suddenly, “You know that I love you right?”
If Adam could go back in time to that first December, he would reassure himself that some things in life could be good too.
Now, he simply whispered, “I do.”