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Babe tried to hide it. The constant need to check on Charlie, make sure he was still there, make sure he wasn’t hurt, make sure that he hadn’t left. The silent prayers that were whispered into Charlie’s hairline once he’d fallen asleep. The quiet insisting that Charlie’s car gets checked last before every single race going forward – even though Charlie had yet to even drive a car since his return. Babe tried to hide it, but he didn’t try that hard. He never hid it from Alan or Jeff – North and Sonic could see it – Kim picked up on it with ease – even Pete, who rarely stopped in, had given a knowing look before heading off to his meeting. He did try to hide it from Charlie, not out of fear or embarrassment, but because instinct screamed at him too – screamed that Charlie needed protecting from the world, but also from himself. However, Charlie was nothing if not observant.
He'd seen Babe’s watchful eye and felt the constant attention; he was unworthy of it, but Charlie still knew it existed. It was both painful and soothing, poison and the antidote, flames and water. He was not alright. The initial crash had done a number on his physical body, the experimental medicine affected his mental wellbeing, missing Babe – being responsible for everything – knowing how bad it had gotten all made Charlie's guilt and anxiety fester. He felt as though he was walking the tightrope. Lean too far left and he would disappoint Babe, destroy him even. He would hurt Jeff, anger Alan. Lean too far right and he would do the same. It was horrifyingly familiar – reminiscent of when he’d first escaped Tony’s place. Balancing was so exhausting, Charlie felt as though he was slipping each second – desperately trying to prove to Babe that he would never leave again, to apologize, to beg forgiveness and offer nothing but love, to cause no pain – to be alright and never needing to lean on him. To show Jeff that he truly believed they were safe now, to show his little brother that he was not broken beyond repair – that he wouldn’t catch an arrow straight to the heart if it would ensure both Jeff and Babe’s safety; it was a lie, but Charlie still tried to prove it. He wanted to demonstrate to Alan that he was worthy of Babe’s love, that he wasn’t taking it for granted, that he gave more than he received. He hoped that one day the others might think of him as a friend, or at least something positive. A person they could trust.
However, even though Charlie was used to struggling through things on his own – he’d always been very careful not to burden Jeff unnecessarily – he was finding it to be nearly unbearable this go around.
Driving made him anxious. He wasn’t afraid of crashing necessarily, but more so afraid of how Babe would respond if something went wrong. Would he be hurt or angry? He’d forgiven Charlie, but would he do it again?
He couldn’t bear the idea of being without Babe anymore.
Even being alone stung his heart in ways he didn’t think was possible. Constricting and sharp. As though it would spread out from the dark circle it made in his soul and slowly consumed him like a black hole – eating him alive until nothing was left.
He sighed harshly, leaning up against the railing at the racetrack with enough force to bruise his forearms. He’d come out of this whole mess more fucked up than he had been going in, hadn’t he? Somehow, a neglected and abused kid managed to turn into an admittedly self-sacrificing adult, which led to the struggling neurotic broken mess he was now.
Today was a bad day, it shouldn’t have been, but it was. He’d woken up wrapped in Babe’s arms because Babe had dreamt of his death again and needed comfort – only fueling Charlie’s self-loathing tilt. Jeff had exams and wasn’t in the garage, so Charlie couldn’t go talk to him to get his mind off of everything. And Babe had finally agreed to do a couple of races – finally agreed to be away from Charlie for a little while – finally confident enough that Charlie would be there when he returned.
But the mental isolation was a lot. He could no longer take being alone. Now he craved companionship like water.
Charlie leaned harder onto the railing before stepping back and shaking his hands. They’d gone numb, along with his feet and his jaw was starting to do the same – once he acknowledged it, the pressure inside his chest became unbearable. Clumsily, he made his way towards the private meeting room nearest the exit hoping to wait out the worst of the unprecedented panic in solitude without bothering anyone.
Charlie tripped over the threshold, colliding his hip painfully with one of the metal chair backs and landing on the floor. He slid back until he hit the wall just under the table and did everything he could to try and regulate his breathing. Fighting the disturbing thoughts that suddenly screeched in his head.
*~~*~~*
He heard his name get called, it wasn’t frantic but there was the slightest color of desperation in it, from the main shop. Charlie wasn’t sure how long he’d been pressed up tight against the wall, but he was stiff and achy — his head felt like a pressure cooker. Thankfully, his limbs had regained most of their feeling.
He scrubbed his face quickly, opening the door as Babe called his name for the second time, “You’re back,” he sounded completely spent. Charlie decided to play into that and let himself yawn, “did you have fun?”
Babe scrutinized him for a second, “Yeah, the car feels great — are you alright? You look tired,”
He hummed, wishing he’d at least glance at himself before opening the door, “I fell asleep,” Charlie smiled brightly with ease, he could cover anything up with a smile if he wanted to, “it’s lonely when you’re gone,”
The whine made Babe’s entire face light up with life, “Charlie! I was only away for a little over a half hour,”
“Too long,”
“You’re ridiculous,” he said it so softly, gazing at Charlie like he was the sun, “we can head home if you’re tired,”
“No, you wanted to work on stuff — and if I’m ever going to get back out there, I should pay attention too,” Charlie watched Babe carefully, gauging his reaction. He wasn’t the only one who got anxious when he drove, Babe had more or less forbidden it until he was certain Charlie had entirely recovered from everything.
“Maybe — but rest is important,”
Charlie’s bones were mended, but the drugs that aided in his plan and now trampled down his abilities were not used without a price. According to Babe’s father, Charlie would likely have to use them until his actual death if he wanted his powers to remain dormant — but the old man had been equally honest in his dislike of that outcome. There was no evidence that long-term usage was safe, “just a bit longer Babe! We have to make sure Alan isn’t dying of loneliness without my beautiful baby brother,”
“Cheeky!” Babe smiled even more broadly, laughing and kissing Charlie squarely on the forehead, “I hope you tease Jeff as much as Alan,”
“More,” he pursed his lips pouting for another kiss.
Babe obliged, relaxing as he did, “Come on then,”
Being held by Babe was grounding, it helped pull Charlie further back into reality as he was tugged across the garage.
Kim was nodding along to something Alan was saying, looking relaxed and invested. Charlie found it a bit strange to see him fit in so easily. He wasn’t jealous, but there was still an uncomfortable throbbing deep in his chest.
Charlie wasn’t naïve, Way had caused much of the distrust that surrounded him and Jeff — Dean had wanted Charlie out of the picture and likely fed into any and all conspiracies that Way let fly — and, of course, Charlie had stuck to his plan through it all. Kim deserved to fit in, and he, simply, did not. However, rationalizing it and feeling it were very different things.
“Here,” He hadn’t even seen Sonic approaching, and Charlie nearly flinched when the steaming cup appeared in front of him, “looked like you needed a pick me up — I was already making some hot chocolate for North and me anyway,”
“Uh, thanks!” Charlie’s smile was mostly genuine, though he couldn’t keep the confusion from his eyes. The cup was hot to the touch, but not painful so — he hadn’t noticed how cold his hands were, “yum,”
Sonic gave him an impossibly thoughtful look, “of course,”
“Where’s mine? Huh?”
“Make your own Kim!” North shouted from the kitchen.
“I see how it is,”
Charlie felt Babe chuckle beside him and made himself smile at the other’s antics.
“As I was saying,” Kim continued as though nothing had happened, “I can probably get one of my old sponsors to invest in X-Hunters. I was on good terms with them when I moved out here,”
“It would be nice to diversify a bit,” Alan turned towards Babe and Charlie, “what do you two think?”
“It would be good to have more than one big sponsor,” Babe loosely placed his arm around Charlie’s waist.
“And you?” Alan looked to Charlie, waiting for a response.
He always felt oddly exposed when Alan looked at him, Charlie wondered if that was something that drew Jeff to the older man — Jeff who unintentionally sees secret futures and Alan who can read a person like an open book, “Though I doubt Pete’s company will pull out or have problems, it doesn’t hurt to have multiple sources of income,” that was partially why Charlie had continued freelancing despite technically being employed as a racer. Seeing the attention shift away, he slowly took a sip of the hot chocolate. The warmth of the liquid made him realize just how unusually cold he’d been. He could feel the heat travel down his throat making him shiver.
“Why don’t you two call it a day,” Alan commented after agreeing to meet with Kim’s contact, “if you’re up to it Charlie, tomorrow we can have you back on the track — Babe can ride shotgun if that’s easier,” seeing the blatant confusion, he added, “I’m not suggesting anything, just if I was in your position I know I’d be a bit anxious. Babe too, for that matter. I just think bringing you back up to speed bit by bit might make it less stressful,”
“Whatever works best for you,” Charlie stopped himself from shifting in discomfort. The idea of having Babe ride with him did ease the tension in his chest, but it should be up to Babe and Alan — not him. He was responsible for that whole mess, no reason he should be treated kindly as they fix it.
Alan frowned gently, but dropped the subject for the time being, “Jeff is coming to my place after class — would you two like to join us for dinner?”
“You know if my brother is moving in with you, I should be informed,” Charlie enjoyed watching the slight rose color dust Alan’s cheekbones, “I pay our rent after all,”
“Shouldn’t you inform Jeff that you basically live with me,” Babe interrupted brightly, “Why do you pay rent anyway, Jeff makes money too,”
“I’m his older brother – it’s my job to take care of him,” he took another drink of the cocoa, thinking the conversation was finished.
“Just as long as you let others take care of you in the process,” Alan counted, still somewhat flustered, “So, dinner?”
Charlie stayed out of the decision making, instead focusing on the remaining hot chocolate. A few months ago, Babe would have never agreed but now Charlie wasn’t so sure. He’d soften, and Charlie was proud of him – it was healthier. Much healthier to rely on people when you need to, to have safety nets to fall back on. He just hoped that it wasn’t all due to his accident, natural growth was one thing – but change brought on by desperation was another, and he wasn’t sure if his mind could take any more guilt.
“Sure – Jeff had an exam, right? We can think of this as a celebration then,”
Jeff’s acceptance into the X-Hunter family – even from Babe who was once so standoffish – warmed Charlie deep to his core. With everything that Jeff had suffered through growing up, he really deserved such a loving family. Knowing that Babe also worked so hard to treat Jeff like a brother – going so far as to even try and comfort Jeff while he had been grieving – only made Charlie fall deeper in love.
**~**~**
Charlie could tell that his anxiety was going to be a problem, building as he and Babe drove to Alan’s later that evening. There was a level of irony to it all, being anxious at the thought that Jeff might recognize that he was anxious, which was only making Charlie’s anxiety even worse. It never used to be this way – he used to be able to push everything down; turn everything off.
Robot-like, Jeff had once described him as – later he would change the word to dissociation, “Sometimes you just kinda turn off, Charlie,” a fourteen-year-old Jeff said after they’d nearly been found out at school, “I think you dissociate,” he’d said the word proudly like he’d uncovered some big secret, but even the pride couldn’t fully distort the sadness that laid just underneath, “I know it’s to protect us – so you can do what you need to – but I don’t think it’s very good for you. You can rely on me too!”
“Charlie?”
“Huh?” Babe had already parked the car and was looking at him closely, “Oh, here already?”
“Are you alright?”
“Why wouldn’t I be?” Charlie didn’t even think before deflecting.
“I don’t know – you just seem, off,” his eyes scanned every inch of Charlie’s face carefully, “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”
“I’m just off today, honest. Probably that midday nap,” that was more or less true, his panic attack had left him off-kilter.
“Maybe you’re getting sick,” it was more of a statement than a question. Babe pushed stray hairs off of Charlie’s forehead gently as he checked for a temperature.
“Maybe…” he hated the slight gloss of worry dancing through Babe’s features. That’s all he’d done recently, make Babe worry. Charlie used to be so good at locking his emotions behind solid steel doors and yet since his accident and Tony’s downfall, those steel doors had melted away. Instead, it was like trying to keep water in a sponge. It took so much effort, frantic movements, and desperation.
“If you don’t feel good, please tell me…”
“It’s not like that. I’m fine, really, just tired,” Charlie went ahead and unlatched his restraint, “I want to have dinner with them — to praise and embarrass my little brother — come on,”
Babe watched him for a few more seconds before following him, “Just — if it’s dangerous, you’ll tell me? If you’re hurting?”
“I promise,” Charlie couldn’t not, “I’m in no danger,”
“Okay,” he ran his fingers through Charlie’s hair gently, softly scraping his scalp, “We’ll sleep in tomorrow, okay?”
It stung, seeing the need in Babe’s eyes and not knowing how to fix it, “Okay,”
*~*~*
“You’re worrying people,” Jeff immediately jumped on him after dinner, when Alan and Babe decided they’d go out to buy desserts to celebrate Jeff’s grade.
“What?” The dinner had gone well. It was pleasant and relaxing.
“Babe was —“
“Babe is always worried,” Charlie interrupted uncontrollably, “I’m working on that…”
“Okay — so, then why did Sonic message me this afternoon,”
He couldn’t help but frown and cock his head to the side questioningly, “How would I know?”
“He said North noticed you looking sick outside, and when he went to check on you, you stumbled into the meeting room,” Jeff sat down the glass he’d been holding, gauging Charlie’s response before continuing, “Sonic was super concerned — said it looked like you were going to pass out, but was worried he’d overstep. So, he messaged me,”
“Why would he be worried?” He muttered unsure, not bothering to confirm or dispute anything else.
“You looked sick! Of course, he was worried. I was about to call him myself when he said Babe had arrived and you looked a bit better…”
Jeff’s explanation didn’t ease Charlie’s confusion any. None of that made sense. Why would it have mattered to Sonic if Charlie was sick?
“You don’t get it…” Jeff suddenly sounded astonishingly sad, “you still don’t get it,”
“What don’t I get? I’m sorry if Sonic worried you, but I’m fine. It was just a headache; I went into the meeting room and took a nap —“
“People care about you. Sonic was worried about you — so was North.”
“That doesn’t make any sense —“
“We’re back!”
“The local shop had a great deal on their double chocolate cake,”
“Coming,” Charlie responded quickly, hoping to leave the conversation with Jeff where it was. His brother had become much bolder and far more stubborn in the last few months. Charlie wasn’t against that; it was good to see Jeff blossom and take charge of his own life. However, arguing about things like this felt unnatural and, frankly, upsetting.
Charlie didn’t need to be lied to — he’d long since accepted who he was and how others saw him. There were exceptions, Babe blessedly being the most unexpected, but he didn’t anticipate any others to exist. The idea that Sonic or North found him as anything other than a potential threat to their ‘family,’ or at least a nuisance, was simply outlandish. He’d come in and disrupted everything, even before his planned ‘death.’ Way might have never acted upon his desires if Charlie had never entered the X-Hunter shop — Dean might have never let jealousy win — Jeff might have even been more willing to accept Alan’s subtle advances earlier if Charlie hadn’t already been scheming.
“Charlie? Hey, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to upset you,”
“I’m not upset,”
“You’re shaking,”
“I’m not upset,” he repeated a bit defensively, trying to stop the shaking and ignore the numbness that had started to envelop his fingers.
“You’re distressed,” Jeff had started to sound distressed as well, which gave Charlie something to ground himself on.
Pulling himself back onto solid ground was easy if he was doing it for Jeff, “I’m not. See? All good,”
“You can’t just say you’re not,”
“Jeff —“
“How big of pieces…” Alan trailed off, looking between the brothers. Whatever signals of distress Jeff had encountered from Charlie still lingered, “What’s going on, is everything alright?”
“Of course. Give Jeff the biggest piece possible, he’s the scholar after all,” if he pressed onward the conversation would be unlikely to follow.
Jeff shook his head, still slightly upset, “I think you should get the biggest piece! You still haven’t gained back all the weight you lost! It’s unhealthy!” He called out, louder than many have ever heard him speak, passing a look to Alan that clearly said, ‘Drop it.’
Charlie was lost somewhere in his head the rest of the evening, still trying to understand what Jeff had been implying about Sonic and North. He didn’t know why they felt the need to inform Jeff — perhaps they assumed the younger would be concerned with Charlie’s behavior and were simply doing him a favor. Or maybe they found the behavior suspicious and wanted Jeff to verify that Charlie wasn’t planning something else. Regardless, they shouldn’t be bothered with his problems. No one should. Jeff shouldn’t ever have to worry about him — he’s not doing his job as older brother correctly if Jeff feels the need to worry.
Charlie has failed. The only goal he had when they first left Tony’s was to make sure that Jeff had as normal and secure of a life as he could offer him — he’d thought that everything had finally been accomplished but maybe he was still wrong.
“Charlie?”
“Huh?” The first thing he realized was that his fingers were still tingling, and the next thing he noticed was that Babe was no longer beside him, Jeff also seemed to be missing, and that Alan had a hand on his arm, “What?” The numbness prevented most of the unease from reaching the surface, but it wouldn’t take much for it to break through.
“You just kind of blacked out on us,” Alan said calmly, though he was stressed, “Babe will be back in just a second – he went to grab his sweatshirt from the car, thought it might help some. And Jeff just went to grab some water for you,”
Blacked out? How long was he spaced out? That hasn’t happened since shortly after he and Jeff escaped, “I’m okay…”
“Mhmm, Jeff said this used to happen sometimes – that you’d come out of it on your own. Doesn’t make us less concerned,”
“Why?” the word tumbled out before Charlie could process the conversation, “It doesn’t matter – I’m fine,” he felt Alan freeze beside him, but couldn’t stop, “between the two, I’d rather space out,”
“The two what?” Jeff returned, eyeing him cautiously with a half-full glass of water.
“Any – oh, good. Charlie?” Babe was out of breath and looked high-strung, “You with me? What happened?”
He suddenly felt caught, trapped, “Nothing…just – just…”
“Whoa, hey,” Babe replaced Alan’s hands, grabbing Charlie carefully as though he was frightened his boyfriend would shatter, “What is this?”
Before he could shake his head or say anything to ward off the conversation, Jeff interjected, “This is all connected — isn’t it? To whatever happened at the garage that Sonic saw — you not believing me when I told you they were worried —“
“What happened at the garage?” Babe lowered his voice sounding calm and inviting — he rarely used this tone, even with Charlie, “What’s Jeff talking about?”
“My… my hands are numb,” he managed to get out dumbly. It wasn’t an answer, nor did it explain anything, but it was true, “they go numb…”
“You had a panic attack earlier,” Jeff deflated noticeably, “you said those stopped…you said you haven’t had one in years…”
“What?”
“He had a panic attack at the garage? How did no one notice?”
“Because he doesn’t like people knowing,” Jeff almost whined, feeling distraught at his brother’s discomfort, “Sonic saw, he just didn’t know what was happening,”
“None of that,” Babe’s voice was right by Charlie’s ear, “no one’s angry, just worried,”
A thin, almost frantic, whimper rang out as Charlie rammed his head into the crook of Babe’s shoulder — this wasn’t supposed to happen. He needed to gain control. He couldn’t help anyone if he lost it now. He didn’t deserve comfort after everything he’d caused.
He didn’t so much feel Babe’s arms wrap around him as he sensed it happening, “Everyone is safe. Charlie, everyone is safe – do you understand? Nothing is going to happen to anyone, and you can…”
This shouldn’t be happening. For years, Charlie had controlled his emotions. He had made sure that no one ever saw him crack or break. People only saw him happy and carefree.
“What do you need me to do, Babe?” Alan’s voice broke into the spiral, “I already have one of the guest rooms – have you both stay the night?”
Charlie felt Babe nod, the movement helped anchor him again, “Sorry…”
“When did they start back up again?” Jeff asked from behind him, “You’d said they stopped…”
“After…”
“After what?” Babe tucked Charlie into his chest even closer as he asked.
“After the accident… The first night, when I was alone,” He’d been alone and in pain. It had been similar to when he was still living under Tony’s rule, except there was no escape. No way to know if Babe was alright. No way to check on Jeff.
“This afternoon, at the garage?” Jeff clearly wanted to make sure that everything was laid out for Babe. He was pealing away Charlie’s defenses with his knowledge, “That was an attack too?”
“Yeah…”
“What caused it?”
Of course, Babe would ask that question. Feeling rattled and oddly desperate for comfort, Charlie quietly explained everything. How the guilt was eating away at him. How he knew that the others wanted him gone and that he couldn’t blame them. How he feared hurting Babe or being unable to save Jeff. Failing – how he failed – how he was a failure.
“Charlie?” meeting Alan’s warm eyes was strange, they held so much compassion and kindness, “You haven’t failed.”
“But –”
“Everything else, we’ll talk about tomorrow. Once you’re rested. After you and Babe have slept,” Alan glanced above him, “Alright?”
Babe took the initiative, effortlessly lifting Charlie, “I’ve forgiven you. I love you. I don’t blame you,” the words are spoken in a rhythm, constant and quiet. He doesn’t stop until they are both tucked away in the spare bedroom and Charlie is already on the cusp of sleep, “Everything will be better in the morning,”
For once, Charlie decided that he would allow himself to believe that.