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The loneliness within came out of him in strings, wrapping his bones in the misery, yet too entangled to be fixed, and too clear to be seen. Wrapped so tight they carved into his bones, leaving dents; damaged but never broken.
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Buck was no stranger to loneliness. He knew it very well in fact, it had followed him his whole life. He’s never known what it’s like to have parents who care, and make an effort to put themselves in his life. Buck spent years of his life jumping from one place to the next trying to find where he belonged.
Yet this loneliness was comforting to him in a way, a place he knew he could always go back to no matter where he was. Throughout his life he found himself going back multiple times.
That’s not to say Buck always enjoyed this loneliness. Some days it could rip him to pieces until he was scattered on the floor with no one to pick the pieces back up.
Although after years of carrying this desolation, Buck found the 118. These people took him in, and were more like family to him then his own parents ever were. In Buck’s eyes his life was perfect. He had a job he adored, and his days off consisted of team cookouts, or even more commonly days out with Eddie and Christopher.
This blissful period came to a screeching halt when Buck ended up on the Nash and Grant doorstep with a lawsuit paper in hand. Anger clouded his mind, because his job was one of the best things in his life he didn’t think of the consequences. Now Buck got what he wanted and he’s back as a firefighter, but lost everyone that he has ever cared about.
As Buck walks through the station at the beginning of his shift he can’t ignore the piercing stares on his back. He thought that maybe after a week they would let up and things would go back to the way they used to be, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
For the most part they have been ignoring Buck, and when he is spoken to it’s more or less to be snapped at for simple things. So as Buck walks up the stairs he goes straight to the broom closet and starts his morning chores.
After finishing Buck sits in the bunk room, listening to the team talk and laugh as if he never existed in the first place. Times like these make him wonder if they ever really cared about him. If it was this easy to let him go they can’t have been trying to hold on very hard in the beginning.
His self-deprecating thoughts are interrupted by the piercing ringing of the bell, and he jumps up out of the bed making his way to the truck.
Bobby relays to them that there is a 20 car pileup in an intersection, and it’s an all hands on deck situation. On the short drive there Eddie and Chim try to keep their distance from him, sitting as far away from him as humanly possible and avoiding his eyes. Buck misses the days when drives to scenes were full of stories and laughter, but now were dull and empty all because of him. Buck seems to bring this with him everywhere, his friends can’t even enjoy their jobs anymore because of him.
When they pull up to the scene it’s a complete shit show to say the least. There are injured all around, and people screaming for help. As they jump out of the truck there are already a few other stations already scattered about, helping the more critical.
Bobby points to the center of the pileup, “Eddie and Chim, you’re stationed over there,” He points at Hen, “You’re with me.” and Bobby finally points and Buck not even looking at him. “Evan help wherever it’s needed,”
As his name comes out of Bobby’s mouth it feels like a punch to his gut. Never in the years he has known Bobby has he called him Evan. All he can do is numbly nod and watch as his team scatter to their stationed areas.
After falling out of his hurt stupor Buck walks around to the edges of the pileup, looking for anyone to help. As bad as it is, Buck isn’t fully aware of his surroundings, too caught up in his thoughts. He doesn’t know why he was staying at a place he wasn’t welcomed, pushing his way into their lives like he has done his whole life. He filed that lawsuit in an attempt to get his life back, but only ended up ripping it to shreds.
Later Buck will blame his spacing out for hearing their shouts so late, but by the time he hears the calls of his name and turns around the speeding car is coming at him at an alarming rate.
After everything Buck has survived, he can’t seem to move his frozen feet. It’s as if his whole life has led up to this moment, hating himself in the face of death and not able to move.
Buck knows he needs to move, but he just can’t. His mind and body are frozen, he squeezes his eyes shut waiting for the inevitable hit, and…
Arms wrap around Buck, pulling him and themselves out of the way and rolling them onto the ground. He can feel the blast of air as the car flies past them both. Buck can hear the loud crunch of metal as the car slams into the other cars in the pile up.
Buck can feel the pavement underneath him, and is breathless as he opens his eyes and sees the blue sky. His ears are ringing, and he looks next to him to see–
Eddie.
Eddie saved him.
Bucks eyes widen as he and Eddie both sit up, apologizing profusely.
“Shit- I’m s-so sorry Eddie.” Buck runs a hand through his own hair, looking at Eddie’s face.
“What. The. Fuck.” Eddie says, his brows are furrowed, and Buck doesn’t think he’s ever seen Eddie so angry.
“You didn’t even try to move! It’s like you didn’t even fucking care to be hit!” Eddie yells as he gets to his feet.
Buck can’t speak or tear his wide eyes away from Eddie.
“What?! Nothing to say now? Well you sure damn had a lot to say when you fucked up all of our lives.” Eddie yells as he points around to the team now dealing with the new car to the pileup.
You could cut the silence between them as neither of them says a word. Buck can’t seem to make his mouth move. In reality he could’ve moved. He had plenty of time to get out of the way for the car but chose not to. He can’t argue with Eddie when he could’ve caused the death of both of them because he was wallowing in his own thoughts.
Eddie scoffs and walks away, leaving Buck on the ground.
The ride back to the station is heavy to say the least. By the glances Buck’s receiving he can tell that Eddie has told the team about what had happened earlier. For once he can’t tell what kind these are though. Maybe pity, worry, or more likely anger. Everyone seems to be angry at him these days.
When they get back to the station it’s quiet for the rest of his shift, which is good for Buck because he is once again not fully in his head again.
Once it hits 5 p.m, Buck is clocking out, starting up his jeep and pulling out of the station. Luckily the team had left him alone once they had gotten back, but Buck could hear them having hushed conversations out in the kitchen, most he presumed were about him.
Buck fumbles with his keys, and lets himself into his apartment, numbly looking around the empty place. In his whole life he doesn’t think he has ever felt so alone. He almost died and has no one.
He doesn’t even bother turning on the lights before he flops down on his couch and stares into the darkness.
Buck must’ve fallen asleep because the next thing he hears is a sharp knocking on his door. Buck groans as he gets off of his couch, assuming that one of his neighbors was coming to complain about another thing once again.
What Buck doesn’t expect when he opens the door is the disheveled face of Eddie.
Buck barely has a chance to say a word before Eddie is pushing his way into the apartment.
Eddie turns around crossing his arms, “You need to explain to me why you didn’t move earlier.”
Buck closes the door and faces Eddie, “What do you mean?”
Eddie rolls his eyes, “You know what I fucking mean Buck. You had plenty of time to move, but you just sat there like a fucking deer waiting to be hit.”
Buck can’t exactly discern his face but he thinks he can see traces of concern lined into Eddie’s face.
Eddie waits for an answer that Buck doesn’t have. He doesn’t know why he didn’t move. Yet a part of him knows that he wanted that car to hit him. For everything to just be over so quickly and painlessly.
Eddie's face breaks at the silence.
“Buck, you didn’t want to be hit, right?”
Buck can’t keep looking at him. He pushes past Eddie and into his kitchen. Pouring himself some water so he has something to do with his hands.
Eddie calls out, “Buck–”
Buck whips around, dropping the glass he had in his hand, leaving the shattered pieces on the floor.
“Can’t you just fucking leave me alone?! You don’t just get to finally come back into my life as if you haven’t been treating me like shit for the past few months!” Buck knows he shouldn’t be saying this, shouldn’t be revealing this to Eddie but Buck can’t seem to stop the words from falling out of his mouth.
“You guys left me for fucking months!” Buck points a finger at him, stepping around the glass and walking towards Eddie. “I know it was a shitty thing for me to do that to you guys but I was hurting and no one fucking cared!” Buck yells.
Buck can’t hold in his anger and shoves Eddie, pushing him back towards the door. “No. One. Fucking. Cared!” Each word comes with a shove, but Eddie doesn’t move. Instead he wraps his arms around Buck, holding down his flailing arms.
Buck tries to fight him, but he has no fight left in him. He finally lets out a sob and his knees buckle.
“Why does no one care about me?” He asks as his voice breaks.
They both fall to the floor as Buck sobs in Eddie’s arms, Eddie whispering apologies in his ear that he cannot hear.
Buck cries for all the days he spent alone.
For the parents that had no interest in his life, for the places he never belonged in, and for all the times Buck felt like dying.
Once Buck’s sobs become dull sniffles he can finally hear Eddie’s voice by his ear.
“You with me Buck?” Eddie asks.
Buck rubs his eyes and pulls himself out of Eddie's arms, pressing his hands against his eyes.
“Yeah, yeah – fuck, sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, Buck. If anything I do.” Eddie says.
Buck turns and looks at Eddie, “No- you really have nothing to apologi-”
Eddie cuts him off. “Buck, myself and the team have been completely horrible to you. We should’ve understood what you were going through and instead cut you off.” Eddie has a look of complete devastation as he continues. “You don’t deserve anything that has happened to you Buck, okay? I was terrified when you almost got hit today. I can’t imagine ever losing you.” He says softly. “I’m so sorry.”
This time it’s Buck that pulls Eddie in for a hug, and they sit there for a while, enjoying each other's company.
Once they’re ready Eddie will help pick up the pieces of glass left on the ground, and they will start rebuilding what was destroyed between them.
Because in the end the strings that would wrap themselves around Buck can sometimes get loose, and one attached to Eddie and pulled them together; never to be torn apart.