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hope was balanced on a scale at this moment. It hadn't gone well with Lloyd, the wound was still too fresh, sensing that he needed more time, even if it hurt.
but someone else was still missing from the list, hope was still not the last to die. but without admitting to the other that the doubt was always one step ahead.
the silence during the journey was not at all nostalgic, it seemed more strange. and even if returning to the bounty after too long was like the first time, no one dared to open their mouth for any reason.
Zane stopped the flying ship, and let the anchor drop, Kai and Cole were already coming down, and he followed them after letting the ship float above the sky.
Kai was the first to arrive, stopping his steps for a few seconds in front of those stairs that led to the wooden door. like rain, a bad feeling slid through his body and made his sweat cold, pondering whether Jay would really agree to return to the monastery with them.
as soon as he noticed Cole at his side, putting a foot on the first staircase, Kai did the same, dashing in front of the door. Kai knocked. Nothing.. it was a hesitant knock, maybe he didn't hear it? Kai repeated, pounding harder. still nothing.
he turned, confused he shared a look with Cole and Zane. as soon as he met their eyes, he knew he wasn't the only one who had a bad feeling.
Cole approached, knocking for the third time. it was more long-lasting and insistent.
and once again there was no response. Cole jumped the steps, almost slipping on the sand, but regained his balance to get up, running to the part of the lighthouse where the windows were visible. he looked up and put his hands on either side of his face, calling out to him.
"Jay! I'm Cole!" he tried in every way to be able to peek inside, but they were too high up. Cole called him again anyway, even if he wouldn't get any response from him, he would still be grateful to see him.
the monastery missed him. they missed him so much, and Cole missed him too much. He missed the person Cole could bet would protect his back if he couldn't.
or just the silly red-haired guy with whom he played their favorite game again and again and never got bored.
"Jay! come on bud! we're here for you!" this time it was Kai, resigning himself to continue knocking in vain.
"we won't bother you if you don't want to, but at least show us how you are!" it was Zane, but as much as it was his voice, the tone was so monotonous and lifeless that it cut their hearts to pieces every time they heard his voice so out of his personality.
and once again, no response.
but it was strange. When Jay had just moved into the lighthouse, before the door opened, they had to beg him for a few seconds, until he finally gave up. And even though theirs hadn't been a desired visit, Jay made them always let them in, even if for a few minutes.
this is getting ridiculous, is what Kai was thinking when he resigned himself to calling him out on it. and instead walking away.
"Where are you going?" Cole and Zane were watching him go, and Cole refused to believe that Kai was giving up.
"got tired, we'll go in our way" and before anyone could object, Kai kicked the door open, slamming it into the wall.
even though it wasn't the best idea, they went inside, going up the stairs. the room for the light systems had been closed off. Kai pushed open the small door, resting it against the floor, and then entered.
he looked around, and the first thing he noticed were those portraits and the many glasses half filled with water all around the room.
"Why is it full of glasses?" Cole's voice was innocently confused, dwelling on how tidy it had been since he last saw the room.
there was nothing in the little table, instead of paper upon paper upon paper, or dust and cobwebs everywhere as he remembered. and although the dust was back but new, it looked like it had been a while since it had been cleaned.
Zane analyzed every little point, until he too stopped in front of a portrait, next to Kai who was observing those with his sister present. It took Zane a few seconds to notice that it was a portrait of Jay. his curls were longer, had a beard and large dark circles under his tired eyes. his look was melancholic and lost, showing depression and every repressed emotion all at once.
and try as he might to understand those emotions, Zane could no longer understand how Jay, or anyone else, or even himself, might feel. But the switch for emotions was kind of off for him, it seemed impossible to turn them on again and not feel guilty. therefore it was better this way.
"where could Jay be if not here?" Kai asked, returning again to why they were there.
"maybe at Ed and Edna's?" Cole said, more hoping that he was there.
Zane was ready to call the Walkers, but a sheet on top of the small rearranged bed caught his attention first.
reaching over to pick up the folded paper, both Cole and Kai noticed it, distracted by what he had in his hands. he opened it, recognizing Jay's writing on the blue ink as soon as he deciphered the words.
"what is it?" Cole asked, noticing a worried look hidden between his blank face.
"It's a letter written by Jay"
and when Zane read it, Cole's heart stopped.
Zane closed his eyes and then composed himself back, he was sorry but nothing could help to forget the expressionlessness in his now robotic eyes.
but somehow Zane managed to say everything anyway, and his heart began to beat again, and this time panic took his breath and accelerated his beat.
Kai's face was agitated and annoyed on one side, he had no patience for being able to wait so long.
"Zane" Cole's voice was shaky and weak, and that seemed to have made the realization dawn on Kai.
"Zane, what does it say?"
Kai's brain stopped working, hearing an irritating ringing in his ears, but the stab felt in his chest was more painful than his eardrums that were about to burst.
Zane had to say it, even if he didn't want to, or make it real and not just keep it to himself. they needed hope, but after this there won't be any more. maybe not forever, but certainly not for a bit.
his mouth opened, Cole's chest was going up and down along with the breath he was holding back and Kai was waiting for his words, even though his eyes said anything but that he was ready.
"He.." Zane looked at the letter in his hands one more time, before gaining the courage to look them in the face and tell them.
"He committed suicide"
and officially the world had started in slow motion. the world no longer turned, and breathing had ceased to be a thing.
it wasn't true. it couldn't be true. Jay would never do something like that... he was full... of energy- and so much life.
he was simply with his parents, it had to be like this, Cole had to convince himself of this, because if the fact that all this was true, Zane's words were true, his mind would never leave him alone again until his deathbed.
he was so stupid, so stupid as to leave him. to believe that he was going to be okay, that he wasn't suffering, to understand if he perhaps needed help from someone or his family, but he had been too negligent, and now he couldn't anymore, too late to fix it.
he didn't know what he should do, how to react, how to think but getting out of there was his first choice, without looking back.
Kai didn't do anything though. he couldn't open his mouth, move his eyes from his sister faceless portrait, respond or move. all he could do was stand firm in his tracks.
"if you feel like reading it" Zane gently said, placing the letter in his hand, then walking out of there as well.
and now he was alone, in a ghost's room. all his affections were immaculate from how they had been left. Kai couldn't help but feel watched.
destroying the imaginary block of ice that Kai could feel blocking his body from moving, he eyed the letter in his hands, not wanting to wrinkle it.
and then when his fingers opened the folded paper, a disturbing and sad feeling stopped him from reading Jay's last words. it was becoming stronger than him, and the terror of opening it was increasing more and more, but on the one hand he needed to read it.
Kai needed more answers, if there was regret, if it wasn't wanted, if he was sorry for having done it, if he had thought about them first, if he knew it was a selfish choice, if he knew he wasn't alone, if he knew they would regret leaving him alone even if at his request, if-
when the ink matched the writing like the memory of any of Jay's notes hanging around the monastery in the past, his eyes started to burn.
those words were like a dagger, first stinging, then cutting him, and then slowly stabbing him, dragging the blade down from his chest to his stomach. he never imagined that one day he would read a farewell letter written by someone from his family. much less from his brother in blue.
a tear touched his cheek, and this made him snap out, wiping the tear away with the back of his hand, and folding the letter as it had originally been.
he put it in his pocket, going towards the stairs to leave that room in its peace.
but before he could regret it, he took one last look at Jay's self-painted portrait. his gaze no longer expressed anything, and every hint of light in his eyes had dissolved. no thoughts passed through Kai's mind, and instead he went down the stairs, closing the small door and heading towards the bounty.
he knew he had just lost another important person in his life.
their reunion hadn't worked out initially, and hope was trying hard to float to the surface, to survive after all these years, even if sadly they had lost some of it back then.
but that day, they had not only lost hope, but also a friend.
a brother, a best friend, a mate, a protector in blue, a dreamer.
Jay Walker.
Hello unknown, I'm Jay Walker, former blue ninja and lightning master.
you probably know me, but I don't, funny right? but I don't think that this really matters now. at the end of the day we are all the same, a title does not make us more important than someone else, but I would like to warn you that if you have stumbled into this lighthouse, and are now reading this, then you will probably be the first to know what i did. well, I'm sorry actually, I don't think it's a good thing, but if you're some crazy paparazzi.. then, I think it could be your lucky day. by the time you're reading this, it will probably be days, months or years since I decided to write my last words on this paper, and I think that on one hand this is stupid. but on the other hand it's the only way someone can feel like their missed ones are saying goodbye for the last time, so I guess I'll be another one of those people who tries to catch someone's attention into a piece of paper, but I know that someone important to me will come to read it, and I'm sorry. It's little, really little and it doesn't seem true, but I'm really sorry. you were the most beautiful thing I could have received in my life, someone who accepted me for who I was, even though I wasn't able to trust anyone until the end the first time I entered that monastery, which would later become my home. but how can I explain to you now the way in which my days continue to go forward, but not seeing anymore the reason for doing so? when you feel so tired that you don't even feel like asking for help anymore, giving up and falling into that abyss where every day you went deeper and deeper into and sinking, feeling yourself drowning and slowly appreciating the thought of getting closer and closer to the end of the sea. and even if it will hurt, I have learned to welcome that feeling, tired of fighting it for who knows how many more years. I know I'm being selfish with this choice, but wherever my other half of my Yin is, I will follow with pride. I would only like to have been able to say goodbye to my family, hug them and show my immense love for them, for one last time, but I knew it would have been worse, so I leave you this letter, hoping that it can reach the hands of those who have loved me the most was able to know.
thank you Ma and Pa, for making my little adventure possible, but perhaps my destiny was never planned like those fairytale you had read to me as kid, but you made it better and incredible.
and thanks to my master, who introduced me to the ninja who then became my family. I want you to know that I am happy now, back in the arms of my love, wrapped in the ocean and her love.
-Love, your Jay.