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for many days, which by now he could no longer remember how many had passed, his days always ended inside the lighthouse.
that same lighthouse.
looking back, he had no idea what day it was, either how much time had passed since his arrival. he was sure that weeks had already passed, probably even months, but he wasn't completely sure about this.
he had no calendar and no clock anywhere, and his phone had been abandoned somewhere in the small room, turned off and never touched since it was put down. If he had even thought about taking the phone, his memories would have put him in difficulty, giving up shortly after. as had already happened.
he wouldn't do anything with it anyway, just turn it on and be then stuck in front of his phone's lock screen; her smile remained imprinted in his mind, while the ocean itself invited her to become one. join it forever, just as he wanted their days to be, but life's harsh lessons showed him that it wouldn't be possible. and the future was no longer appealing as he thought
on the one hand he accepted it, it had been her own choice, he couldn't have stopped her even if he had tied her up and made her motionless, and even if he was aware that he couldn't get up from that damn sofa without coughing his lungs out, until his breath ran out leaving room only for the salty sea water, he couldn't help but beat himself up and hate himself for being stupidly useless, watching her leave the room through blurry vision, helpless, and going towards her end.
but on the other hand he couldn't help but think of how purely selfish an idea it had been, as the waves crashed into the shore. the night had arrived for a few hours now, the wind was direct and cold, freezing his skin and reddening his cheeks. he looked out over the sea, no particular point that attracted him, simply the sea looking at him as he did, from every angle.
it distressed him, the water completely black without any kind of light reflected on it except that of the moon. the sound of the waves must have been relaxing, as it was for him too, but not this time. they seemed like screams for help and pain once his interest was reserved only for them, pursuing him every time it happened. The freezing cold shot through him, hitting his exposed face and making his hair move back. he was shivering.
he wanted to go back inside, even though his body remained completely still, sitting on the sand not far from the shore, and the desire to go persisted with every wave of wind, but he remained nothing more than seated down, unable to stop hearing those heartbreaking screams.
he shook his head, hoping that he could get rid of those increasingly tormented cries, but they had only found a moment of calm, slowing down. they became foggy in his ears, managing to mistake it for the actual sound of the waves as soon as he could ignore them.
the lighthouse was active, and only now had he noticed it as soon as the reflection of the light became present in the reflection of the rough sea, covering the little bit of moon, but it was still too dark.
managing to snap out of his thoughts, he moved his hand from above his crossed legs, passing it through the sand and moving it between his fingers to left and right, flattening it. it was cool, but not wet. it was a nice feeling under his skin, even though his hands were losing feeling from the cold, but it seemed to ease his breathing. something comforting him after quite some time was... nice.
maybe not the right word, but he couldn't find a more elegant way to express it than this.
a gust of wind passed behind him, causing him to turn around. something on him thought it had been strange, but he let it go, and instead looked up, finding the room where his days often took place, with a light on.
he closed his eyes and sighed, looking down again. he stared at the sand beneath him for a few seconds, until then a doubt clicked on top of his thoughts.
did I leave any lights on before getting out?
and before he could think about it, his gaze bounced back up, staring at the light streaming out of the windows.
it was a low light, but very bright. what weirded him out the most was the fact that it was a blue light, and then he noticed that that light was wandering around the room as a glow moved.
alarmed and confused, he had finally pushed himself off the sand, running towards the door. opening it, he heard it slam against the wall behind, but he didn't stop, determined to go up those stairs, for fear that that light might disappear before he arrived.
and when he came over, his gaze dared whatever it was there with him to be seen, casting his eyes everywhere.
for a few seconds he was about to lose that light, when then his eyes caught it, watching it disappear into one of the glasses half full of water scattered around the room. he continued to stare at that glass, refusing to take his eyes away from it.
he could swear that a familiar sensation had crossed his chest at the sight of that small blue glow, but perhaps it was just his ignored and scraped schedule-sleep now kicking in. it was just a little daydream that not even he could believe would be possible anymore.
and then he saw something else, letting it go. he sighed, placing a hand over his forehead, massaging his temples, all the while walking towards the stool he used as a chair, right in front of one of the portraits that had occupied his days for a while now.
her dark hair, gathered in her usual high ponytail, the bangs and the two locks out on the sides that had accompanied the daily routine of her hairstyle. her tanned skin was the main element, decorated with a rosy color chosen for her cheeks, accentuating her high cheekbones. she was wearing the pink kimono that Jay believed was the right touch that softened her breath-taking gaze, but her face was the importance that he still preferred to neglect, procrastinating it every time details or errors appeared before his eyes.
it was probably an involuntary choice, but he couldn't have painted her face even if he wanted to. but the harder truth, that he couldn't dare let bloom in his mind again, was that her face was slowly disappearing from his memory.
despite her being in his thoughts every second, like her wavy hair, her sweet smell, her kindness and her amazing smile were always there, it was all painfully disappearing away from him. but her gaze had always been so special, also something he had never seen in other people.
she was so particular and different, but no matter how much he fought against it, every thing and memories were slowly disappearing every day more and more into the sore clutches of numbness.
the one non-feeling that he couldn't fight, but instead accepted, making it on one hand better than feeling every emotion combined, having to live through a waking nightmare. he no longer had any idea whether it was right or not, but it felt like morphine for a wound, and he was addicted to it.
beyond the dark horizon and behind his back, that same blue glow grew ever closer towards the surface of the sea, moving with the waves as it rose.
emerging up, it looked into the room that seemed to have called it. there was sea water in there, it could recognize it as its own.
but beyond this, something else seemed to be calling, and this time it was stronger, daring to leave its safe place. the room moved something in itself, making its form vibrate since it had swimmed inside those things with water in it. the creature didn't know what those were called, they were everywhere in that strange room, and it narrowed its eyes at the memory of a melancholy sensation affecting its chest.
its eyes spotted something. he was a human.
the sea had met them before, or felt their presence as soon as they entered in, but when it looked at him, a feeling of recognition occupied its mind, and although he was not near, it could remember his presence every time he had even touched the shore, confusing it.
it didn't know who the guy was, but as it watched what the he was doing, it noticed the image in front of him, thinking it was gorgeous, but it wasn't the first time it had seen it. although the sea didn't remember much, it could see that a face was still not there, and once again, confusion distorted its calm expression.
looking at the guy for one last time, it turned around, and when the melody of the depths returned, its mind was refreshed, throwing away the confusion and melancholy, taking its way and disappearing, lighting up with its glow the deep darkness.
but something would bring it back to that place again, it knew and wouldn't even fight against it, waiting for that pull to come back down to the abyss, were it was.