Chapter Text
Ned Stark watched people pull their coats tighter around them as they bent their heads against the cold wind which forced snowflakes sideways down the street on this bitterly cold afternoon. Contrary to what his friends believed, he could feel the chill. It just didn’t bother him. Never had. His father had claimed that was a family trait developed over long years of life in the northern wilderness, and it was true that none of his siblings were overly troubled by cold weather. But even they had always considered Ned’s apparent imperviousness to cold almost inhuman. Brandon and Lyanna had cracked jokes about it all the time.
When they’d been alive to crack jokes. He still forgot they were dead sometimes, and it jarred him out of his numbness every time he caught himself thinking of them in the present tense. Or Father. Or Ashara. All of them had been alive last Christmas. Cold never made him feel numb, but it seemed that too much grief accomplished it pretty well. Numb was better than the alternative. He couldn’t fall apart. Ben needed him. Ben was little more than a kid for all that he tried to be so grown up, and he’d now lost everybody in his world except for Ned.
And Jon needed him, of course. The thought of Jon terrified him and made him feel oddly warm at the same time. He still found it hard to believe he was someone’s father. He’d always figured he’d get married and have kids someday, but he sure as hell never expected to get an “I’m pregnant” phone call after three casual dates. He hadn’t loved Ashara when Jon was conceived. He was ashamed to admit that he’d barely known her. But he’d come to care a lot about her in the ensuing months even as she stubbornly refused to get the abortion her family wanted or marry him like he wanted. She was adamant about having her baby on her own terms, but she never tried to shut him out, and they’d grown closer and closer throughout her pregnancy. She was even starting to come around on the whole marriage idea, and she’d told him she loved him when he sat beside her and held her hand as Jon was born. He’d never realized he was capable of so much love until he saw her holding their son in her arms, putting him to her breast. When she’d kicked him out and ordered him to go get some sleep, he’d gone first to buy her a ring, determined to come back the next morning and convince her to marry him. But instead, he’d arrived at the hospital to find a grim faced Arthur Dayne informing him that Ashara had died during the night. Something about a massive blood clot going to her lungs. Apparently she had some sort of blood disorder that made pregnancy dangerous and that’s why her family had pushed her to terminate it. Ned hadn’t known. She’d never told him. That didn’t keep Arthur from telling him he was responsible for her death, though. And it didn’t keep Ned from feeling it.
They hadn’t even finished filling out the information for the birth certificate. His name wasn’t on it. He and Ashara weren’t married. Ashara’s parents took his son home, and Ned hadn’t even seen him for two months. That’s when the court finally ordered visitation rights for him during the long, contentious custody battle.
He realized he was standing outside the library, having walked several blocks lost in his own thoughts. He was surprised it was open on Christmas Eve, but not surprised that Catelyn had chosen it as the place to meet him as long as it was. They had gotten to know each other in this library as it was the most convenient place for them to get together when Brandon had first asked him to tutor his girlfriend in Calculus. Cat was smart, but she didn’t care for math. Ned had always maintained that she could have straight A’s in Calculus if she really put her mind to it, but she’d just smiled and said she’d be perfectly content if he could help her get the grade up to a B so it didn’t impact her scholarship.
That had been years ago. Before he ever met Ashara. Before he’d lost her and had his son taken from him. Before he’d lost almost his entire family. Years ago, he’d come to this library twice a week for an entire semester to talk Calculus and Brandon and life in general with a copper haired, blue eyed, beautiful girl with a heart-stopping smile, and the only disappointment in his life was that his brother had met her first. They’d both been so young then, and they’d become friends. Even if their interactions outside the library were pretty much limited to Stark family events that Catelyn attended with Brandon.
He honestly couldn’t imagine why she’d called him to meet her here this evening. It was only 4:30pm, but it was already getting dark outside. He pushed open the door to the library and stomped his feet on the mat to shake the snow off them. Then he shook the snow out of his hair.
“You really should wear a hat, you know. Even if you swear it isn’t cold.”
She was standing there leaning against the wall, still wearing her thick coat.
“Where’s your hat?” he asked her.
She laughed, but it lacked its usual joyful music, and her subsequent smile didn’t reach her eyes. “I wore my hood up when I was outside. I’ve been here a few minutes, but I’m still not warm enough to take my coat off.”
Ned shook his head. Catelyn was possibly the thinnest blooded human being he’d ever met. Of course, the one time he’d gone south to where she was raised to spend a weekend on the river with her and Brandon and some other friends from college, he’d nearly melted every time he got out of the water.
“Then what are you doing standing so near the doorway?” he asked her. “Let’s go sit down.”
He reached out toward her, but she turned away and started walking into the main room of the library leaving him to follow. The library was nearly deserted which was unsurprising given the date, but she still led him to a rather secluded table before she sat down.
“I saw in the paper that you finally won your custody case. I’m happy for you, Ned.”
“Yeah. I’ve had Jon full time for a little over a month now. The Daynes get visitation every other weekend which still isn’t very pleasant for me, but they are Jon’s family so . . .” He shrugged.
“I meant to call you when I saw it. Ask if you needed any help. But . . .” She bit her lip and shook her head.
He hadn’t expected her to call. They’d barely seen each other since the funeral. Dad’s and Brandon’s. She’d held onto him there and cried and cried. But a week later when he’d stopped by her place to see how she was doing, she’d heard him talking to her roommate and nearly run into the room saying, “Brandon?” in an almost breathless voice with a painful sort of hope in her eyes which died pretty quickly when he turned around to face her. He and his brother only looked a little alike but their voices had always been very similar. “Catelyn, I’m . . .” he’d started to say, but she’d interrupted him by shaking her head and saying, “I’m sorry. I just . . . you sound so like him.”
He didn’t remember much of the rest of their conversation other than it had been awkward and painful. He’d left quickly, and the two of them hadn’t sought each other out since. They’d both loved Brandon too much for the other not to call to mind memory and grief. He couldn’t imagine why she’d called him today of all days.
“Ned?”
He realized he must have been silent too long. “You look good, Cat.”
“Brandon was right. You’re a terrible liar.”
“No. You do. I mean . . . you look a little sad, but . . . you always look good.”
She smiled again but it stopped short of those blue eyes just as it had before. He wondered if she was always this sad still or if his presence still called Brandon too strongly to her mind. She’d dated him for over four years, and they were supposed to get married next spring. He’d only been dead three months. Ned wondered if she sometimes forgot for an instant that Brandon was dead the way he did. It must hurt her like hell every time if she did.
“You were always sweet, Ned.” She chewed her lip and seemed to think about what to say next. “I’m sorry I called you on Christmas Eve. It’s just that . . .”
“Hey. You can call any time. I mean that.”
Her eyes actually teared up, and he wondered if he’d said something wrong. He wondered why she had called him. Hell, why was she even here on Christmas Eve?
“Why aren’t you down south, Cat?” he asked her. “I figured you’d spend Christmas at Riverrun.” She had come to Winterfell for Christmas last year for the first time, and while she seemed to enjoy it, he knew she’d missed her own family and home. She’d admitted to him that she’d never spent a Christmas Eve away from her childhood home before.
“I . . . Oh, Ned, it’s such a mess!” She put her face in her hands and started to cry in earnest.
Not knowing what else to do, Ned got up and pushed his own chair around the table beside hers, sat down and patted her back sort of awkwardly. He realized she still had her coat on. Surely, she was hot by now.
“I’m sorry, Ned. I’m so sorry,” she said into her hands when she’d regained a bit of control. “None of this is your problem, but I didn’t know who else . . . I couldn’t think of anybody who . . . I’m sorry.”
“Catelyn, what is it? Just tell me.”
She looked up at him then and said two words almost inaudibly. “I’m pregnant.”
Whatever he’d imagined her saying, he’d never have expected that. “Oh, Cat,” he said.
“It’s Brandon’s,” she said hurriedly as if he wouldn’t know that.
“Well I figured that. How long have you known?”
“Since about five or six weeks after the funeral, I guess. I should have realized it sooner, but . . . I wasn’t really paying attention to . . . to anything. I didn’t really feel like I was still here . . . if that makes any sense.”
“It makes perfect sense.”
She didn’t say anything else for a moment, and as he didn’t know what to say next, he said, “Aren’t you hot? Let me help you out of that coat.”
She made a sound that wasn’t quite a laugh and started undoing the buttons of her coat. “I guess I might as well. Now that you know.” She stood up to shrug the coat off her shoulders. He stood up to take it from her. “I’m about four months along. It’s starting to show.”
Without her coat on, he could see what she meant. If you didn’t know how tiny she was around the middle, the little rounding of her belly might not seem significant, but he could see it easily now that he knew to look. And he remembered how Ashara’s shape had slowly changed with Jon. She’d had a build somewhat similar to Catelyn’s although nothing else about the two women looked alike.
“Four months. Why . . . why didn’t you call me? That’s my niece or nephew, Cat. You know you can count on me to be there for you.”
She looked in his eyes for a long moment. “I do know that, Ned,” she said softly. Then she sat down again, and he did as well, laying her coat on the table. “It’s just that you already had so much on your plate with the custody battle even before Brandon . . . died. And even when it was over, well then you had your own baby to deal with.” She looked at him sadly. “And you’ve lost so many people this year. I don’t know how you’ve managed to stay sane.”
“Well . . . sometimes my sanity’s in question. But I’m hanging in there. And you’ve lost people, too. You cared about Lyanna and Dad, I know. And Brandon . . . well, he was my brother, but he was the love of your life. Don’t think I don’t know that.”
“He didn’t even know,” she said, tearing up again. Before Ned could reassure her that his brother knew exactly how much she loved him, she clarified, “About the baby. I wish he at least knew he was a father.”
“He does. Somehow, I’m sure he does, Cat.”
She laughed a little more genuinely at that. “Says the man who questions every organized religion he comes across.”
“Hey. Just because I don’t know exactly what happens after we finish up this life doesn’t mean I don’t believe something does . . . that somehow we go on.” He smiled at her. “I know this isn’t what you planned, Cat, and maybe this is selfish of me, but I’m kind of glad that something of Brandon is going to continue here, too.”
She smiled back and for the first time, her eyes smiled along with her lips. “I feel the same way. I’m scared, and in some ways I feel more alone than I ever have, but I want my baby. Brandon’s baby.” She sighed. “I just couldn’t take being quite so alone on Christmas Eve. And so I called you. And I took you away from your own baby. Talk about selfish. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t worry about that. Ben’s there spoiling him rotten. But Catelyn, why are you alone? Why aren’t you at Riverrun with your family?”
Her face hardened. “Because my father doesn’t want me there.”
“What?”
“He’s ashamed of me, he said. I told him not long after I realized it myself, and he said he never thought I’d disappoint him so terribly. He offered to send me somewhere until I could give birth and give the baby up for adoption.”
Ned stared at her open mouthed. Hoster Tully had always struck him as devoted to his daughters, especially Catelyn. The man was about as conservative as they come, but he loved his children.
“When I told him I had no intention of giving this baby up,” she continued, “he really lost it. He said not only had I fallen into the sin of lust and fornication, but I was abominably selfish for bringing a child into the world with no father and no name.”
“This baby will have a name!” Ned insisted. “Stark!”
“Yes, well, my father doesn’t see how that’s possible as I’m unmarried and Brandon’s dead. He’s also furious about what becoming an unwed mother will do to the rest of my life.” She made a terrible face and lowered her voice as she spoke the words ‘unwed mother’ in an impression of her father.
“He honestly kicked you out?” he asked incredulously.
“No,” she said. “He wouldn’t do that. Daddy . . . Daddy is angry with me. And disappointed and ashamed of me. But he wouldn’t make me leave. I just couldn’t stay there, Ned. And I couldn’t go back for Christmas. I can’t kneel down in church beside my father at Midnight Mass knowing that he’s praying for me to repent of my sinful, selfish ways when I’m not sorry for anything I ever shared with Brandon. Including this child.”
“You shouldn’t be,” he told her firmly. “You have nothing to be ashamed of, Cat.”
“I’m not ashamed. But I am a bit scared. Because Daddy is right about this not being easy. And however enlightened I try to be, I do hate the idea of my child growing up without a father. I won’t take help from my father as long as he acts as if I should wear a scarlet letter, and I honestly don’t know if I can do this by myself.” She sighed. “You really won’t mind if I give the baby the last name Stark?”
“You aren’t seriously asking me that, are you? Your son or daughter is as much a Stark as Jon is! And I don’t want you to have to go to the trouble of legally changing the name when the baby’s nearly six months old.” It still irritated him that his son had left the hospital as Jon Dayne. Once he won custody, he still had to petition the court for the name change. It was all behind him now, but it still rankled. The Daynes were Ashara’s family. That made them Jon’s family as well and he’d never cut them out of his son’s life. But he was Jon’s father, and Jon was entitled to the name Stark. Brandon was Catelyn’s baby’s father, and that made this baby a Stark, too.
She smiled again. “They’ll be less than a year apart. Jon’s about six months old now, right?”
He nodded.
“They’ll be just about a month shy of one year apart then. I’d like them to know each other.”
“Know each other? They’ll be cousins, Catelyn! They’ll be as close as Brandon and I were. Or Brandon and Lyanna, if you have a girl.”
“I’d like that,” she whispered. “I’d like to give my baby a family. A real family.” She shook her head as if that were an impossibility.
Looking at her then, Ned couldn’t help but see the girl he’d spent hours with in this very library when she was barely eighteen years old, watching her frown at the derivatives in her textbook and trying to ignore what those little frowns and every other little expression on that face could do to his insides. He never doubted that her heart belonged to Brandon, but there had always been something about her that made him willing to do anything to help her out whenever she was in need . . . to keep her from frowning about anything more significant than calculus.
She was certainly more grown up now. They both were. Her heart very obviously still belonged to Brandon. His death hadn’t changed that at all. But Ned realized he’d still do just about anything to help her. To solve her problems. To keep her from frowning.
“Well,” he said slowly. “If by real family, you mean the whole mommy/daddy/sibling/pets thing, I suppose you could just marry me.”
“What?” she asked, laughing, certain he was joking.
Maybe he was joking. If he wasn’t joking, he was crazy. “I’m just saying that if you can’t come up with anything better, we could probably do a pretty good job at giving both our kids a family. This offer even gives your baby a big brother. And I suppose we could buy a dog.”
“Ned! You can’t possibly be serious.” She looked at him a long moment. “Oh god, you aren’t, are you?”
He honestly didn’t know. So he didn’t say anything.
She reached out and took his hands. “Ned, I love you. I really do. Just talking to you has made me feel better about this whole situation than anything else has since I first realized I was pregnant. But . . . I’m not in love with you. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be in love again. And I know you’re not in love with me.”
“You are in love, Catelyn. Not with me, of course. With Brandon. You don’t just fall out of love because he’s died. I know that. I’m still not over what happened to Ashara.” He didn’t say he was still in love with her because he honestly didn’t know if he ever had been. He’d loved her though. And he didn’t think that was going to change. She’d given him Jon.
“So you are teasing, then.”
“No,” he said suddenly. He’d been fully prepared to marry Ashara from the moment he found out she carried his child even before he loved her. And he hadn’t dreaded the thought either. He’d just been determined to make it work. This was different, of course. Ashara hadn’t been in love with his dead brother, and her baby had been his, not Brandon’s. But where Ashara had been perfectly fine with the idea of single parenthood, he knew that Catelyn, for all her brave talk, wasn’t. She’d been raised by Hoster Tully, after all, and Ned knew perfectly well that she took her father’s words more to heart than she wanted to admit.
“Then you were right when you said you questioned your sanity. I’m questioning it a bit right now, too.”
“Maybe I am crazy, Cat. But maybe being madly in love isn’t the only good reason to get married. We like each other. We could help each other. I know we could be good for our children.” The more he talked, the more he thought he might actually not be crazy.
“But Ned, there’s more to a marriage than that. There’s . . .” Her cheeks flushed crimson, and he knew precisely where her thoughts had gone.
“There doesn’t have to be.” He sighed. “I know. This sounds completely nuts. I don’t even know where the idea came from. So forget about it, if you want.”
“I . . . can’t possibly take you up on it, Ned, but maybe I’m a little crazy, too, because if I’m being honest, it sounds kind of good to me right now.”
He looked at her, sitting there with her hands over her little barely rounded belly in a library on Christmas Eve with her dead fiance’s brother because she was lonely and scared and believed she had no one else to call. “Well, let’s table it for now. I don’t think either of us needs to be making life choices in the library today. And I think that look we’re getting from the lady over at the desk means she’d like to close this place up anyway.”
“Oh! You’re right. It closes at five. I should let you get back to Ben and Jon.”
“No. I have another offer for you. Since you’re in town, come spend Christmas Eve with us. I promise not to extend any more bizarre proposals, but I’d love to have you come over and be suitably impressed by my genius son who has mastered the fine art of sitting up. And Ben will be happy about your news, too, Cat. After the whole mess with Jon, he’s utterly unfazed by nephews or nieces born out of wedlock, I promise.”
She hesitated.
“Please,” he said, wishing he could do puppy dog eyes like all of his siblings could do. But he’d been given the least attractive and least expressive face of the four.
“All right,” she finally said. “I’ll come for a little while.”
Once they were back in their coats, they walked back to the door. He could see her shiver as the first gust of wind hit her and she pulled the hood up over her head. As they stepped out into the cold, he put an arm around her just to keep her a bit warmer as they walked. They matched their strides easily and she leaned into him seemingly unconsciously as another gust blew into their faces. He couldn’t help but think that they fit together rather well. He wouldn’t mention his crazy idea again. Not any time soon anyway. But he didn’t think he would be able to forget about it either.