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Leafpool's paws feel heavy carrying her around the lake. The scent of the nearby stream hangs in the air and she sighs. So much has happened. Does she even deserve to walk this path, after everything she's done? After running away, breaking the code and lying to her own clan?
She knows that she's allowed to walk here, as a medicine cat as well, the herbs she's looking for only growing near the horse place. Yet she feels that, yet again, she's breaking several rules, even if she's here out of loyalty for her sick clan mates.
At least it's not the WindClan border, she dimly thinks. Her heart seizes at the thought of running into Crowfeather. She shakes her head. He probably doesn't even want to see her ever again, and... He'll never know.
"Leafpool."
The deep voice of another cat makes Leafpool stop in her tracks. The herbs she wanted to collect are quickly forgotten - the voice belongs to Mothwing, lounging on a rock in the middle of the stream, a paw idly hanging in the water. Leafpool's whiskers twitch in amusement as she steps closer.
"I don't understand how you can enjoy getting that thick fur of yours wet", she says, "I can hardly stand the rain!"
"You know, I wasn't born a clan cat", Mothwing returns, "You get used to it. Swimming is nice, and once you shed your discomfort, the slickness feels good when it's hot and the sun burns down on your back."
She stands up and stretches, yawning, before she elegantly leaps towards Leafpool onto steady ground. Leafpool averts her eyes. Mothwing still acts the same way towards her, as if nothing had ever happened.
"Those kits from your sister", Mothwing says simply, sitting down and wrapping her bushy tail neatly around her paws, "They're yours, aren't they?"
Leafpool stares. It feels as if the earth gives in below her paws, opening up and swallowing her whole to take her right into the dark forest. "I-- I don't know what you're saying. I'm a medicine cat, Mothwing, I-"
"-ran away with a WindClan warrior. Leafpool, even a fishbrain could count two sticks together. Besides, I, too, am a medicine cat. I could tell you were pregnant."
"And you didn't tell anyone?" Leafpool blinks at Mothwing. She looks gorgeous in the soft golden light of the sun falling down onto her wet, dark fur. Her eyes shimmer, a content expression on her face.
"Why would I do that?"
And isn't it true that among all, Mothwing would be the least likely to judge her? The borders of the code never fazed her.
"I'm sorry for betraying you." Leafpool stares at her paws. The words leave her tongue faster than she can hold them back, but they're true. She picked Crowfeather, ready to run away with him, never to see Mothwing again. Would she have regretted it? Would she have been able to live with that choice? Would she have grown to resent Crowfeather for it, eventually?
Mothwing's tail tip flicks, a rumbling purr resonating from her throat. "Betraying me? Oh Leafpool, you didn't betray me at all. All you wanted was to be free under the stars that bind you."
Once again, Leafpool admires how wise Mothwing is, even without the guidance of StarClan. She sighs. Mothwing's forgiveness doesn't make her feel any better about her actions.
"I threw it all away. Our... friendship. What we had."
And I've put kits into the world, lying to them from the moment they were born, goes unsaid, but Mothwing's ears twitch, and Leafpool knows she understands.
"We can still have it. I haven't turned away yet, did I? I would never abandon you, Leafpool. Not over choices made in the heat of the moment, out of passion or regret, and even out of pain."
Leafpool deals with the guilt of her actions, every day. She feels like she doesn't deserve to be the clan's medicine cat anymore, having broken the code so many times at once. She cautiously meets Mothwing's amber eyes, narrow in content, slowly blinking against the sun while she still purrs.
"So... You won't tell anyone about my kits?"
Mothwing blinks, blinks at her more incredulously and her purring hiccups. She gets up, walks the two steps over to where Leafpool is standing and rubs her head against hers. She has the scent of river, fish and algae on her fur, and Leafpool feels her heart ache with longing.
It's not the same feeling she had towards Crowfeather. That was dangerous and new and exciting. Being near Mothwing is like watching troubled water come to a halt, the surface evening out with the sunlight sparkling within.
"Of course", Mothwing meows, "Anything for you."
Leafpool flicks her tail over Mothwing's face. "Even believing in StarClan?"
Mothwing sits, and Leafpool does the same. Without any words, Leafpool leans against Mothwing, their tails brushing, before they curl around each other. "I believe in you", Mothwing says softly, "That's all I need."
Leafpool closes her eyes, takes in the comforting warmth of Mothwing's drying fur.
And she finds herself wishing she could stay, right at Mothwing's side, where she feels important and seen and understood. Beyond the sin of breaking the code, having kits and lying to her sister's mate. She knows those kits will grow up to be smart, strong warriors, and one day, they may find out the truth.
"I will be here, no matter where your stars guide you", Mothwing whispers, "The river will always flow the same direction. I'm just a leap away. So come find me whenever you need. I will await you."
Leafpool purrs. She makes it sound so easy. Maybe Leafpool can hold onto that.
They stay like that for another heartbeat, before Leafpool pulls away. Her clan is waiting for the herbs, and she knows her clan mates will grow even more suspicious of her if she stays away for longer.
"I will meet you at the moonpool", Leafpool says as they part. Her paws feel lighter, even though her heart hammers, for entirely different reasons.
Mothwing waves her tail, tilting her head to the side. "I can't wait."
Leafpool turns and takes a few steps, before looking back. Mothwing is still watching her. Her eyes are soft and warm, and Leafpool's heart skips.
She's been so blind. She always knew where her heart belonged, didn't she? She knows where she wants to be, but it's another impossible journey. She can't keep failing StarClan, and yet...
For the first time she thinks she knows what love really feels like.