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“What the fuck ya mean with "Leo's not here"?!“
“Just what I said Raph” the purple brother replied, pinching the middle of his eyes, trying to fight the bad headache that was killing him and it had been doing it for a month at least.
Raph started to be even more confused than thirty minutes ago when he came back to the lair, after basically living with Mona Lisa and the Mutanimals for the last two months, just to find out one of his brothers was missing “Okay and why exactly he's outside alone?! Since when we-“
“Lee is not alone, Raph” finally his baby brother spoke, he hadn’t talked at all except for that “Oh, it’s you…” when he walked in, which made the red turtle a little disappointed.
Raph honestly expected Mikey would have been the first one to jump on his shell for the happiness but since he put feet in the lair he felt a kind of hostility towards him “But... It's complicated”
Donatello took another sip of his coffe before speaking and putting the mug away “Lee is in Japan for a while”
Raphael’s jaw dropped.
Mikey looked up sending an accusatory glare “We decided to explain the situation before telling him that, D!”
“Can't you see his face? He’s freaking out already just like that!”
“That's why we wanted to pr-“
“WHAT” started Raphael, regaining his bros attention “Why the fuck… Why is he there?! Since when we can afford to take trips?!”
Michelangelo suddenly standed up from their sofa, a flash of anger in his baby blue eyes that Raph rarely saw in him “Since when?! You started it when you moved in with your girlfriend!”
Raphael watched how his little brother calmed down as soon as Donnie's hand touched his shoulder, trying to make him step back.
Raph knew that he made a mistake, he wasn't trying to excuse himself but the night he went away after arguing with Leonardo he was so angry he couldn't think properly.
It's the same old story, you're always too angry to think properly.
"Listen Mikey, Donnie... I'm sorry, okay?"
He was really sorry, he regretted leaving his brothers for so long and didn't even know why he stayed far away from his family for two fucking months.
At the time he thought he needed some space for himself, and also for Mona, but as time passes he felt more alone than ever and couldn't handle being away.
Jeez, he didn't even remember why he and Leonardo argued in the first place but it surely was his fault or Raph wouldn’t have felt guilty.
“I’ve made a mistake okay? I was so angry with Leo and didn't want to see his face but now I don't even remember why we started to fight”
Donatello kept looking at him with a tired gaze, hand never leaving Mikey's shoulder, while his little brother hugged himself crossing the arms against his plastron.
“You can't stay away for this long, being sorry and then blame Lee for the same thing” pouted the orange.
Raphael almost started to see red. Why does Mikey have to be so stubborn?!
He was just trying to say sorry and besides that, nobody was telling him why the fuck their big brother decided to take a vacation, so Don was right: Raph was about to freak out.
“I wasn't blamin' him for nothing, I just want to know why he's not here” he insisted on watching Donatello who seemed to be the most collaborative in that moment, the only one who actually wanted to try to explain something.
The taller turtle let out a heavy sigh, his hand slipping from his brother’s shoulder “It's .. complicated”
“Ya already said that!” retorted Raphael, raising his voice.
“I know! It's just..” another sigh “Listen, bad stuffs happened, okay?”
“What?!” he felt like his heart stopped for a moment “What bad stuffs?!”
“I can't tell you what, I'm sorry” before Raphael blowed up again Donatello tried to end the conversation “It's up to Lee actually... I mean, talking about it”
Saying Raph was confused was an understatement.
His head kept spinning, he felt strange and wasn't even sure the problem was the beers he drank before entering the lair, he did it hoping to calm down that anxiety he was feeling.
What kind of bad stuffs happened while he wasn't there to protect his brothers?
Dee and Mikey were there and they actually seemed fine beside those exhausted faces, which by the way he was really worried about.
So that means... If Leo was in Japan maybe it was about Karai?
It's always about her, godfuckingdammit.
Anger again.
“Why are you back, Raph?” Mikey’s voice was hard.
Raphael watched his little brother, surprised by the strange question.
Okay, maybe he was angry about him leaving and was right, but the way he asked that just sounded like he didn't actually wanted him around anymore.
And that hurts, especially from Mikey.
“What ya mean with "why"? ”
“Surely, it would have been embarassing staying”
“Mikey, I swear I don't know what ya are talkin' abou-“
“Mondo told me you and Mona broke up. Are you back just because of that?”
Oh. That.
“Angelo...”
“I'm just asking, Dee.”
Raph thought for a moment that Michelangelo was just acting like an offended baby, because his big brother was out there having fun with other people instead of being at home to play with him, but then he understood.
Mikey's face frowned while asking that and there was sincerity in his voice, an almost pleading gaze, as if to beg his big bro to not disappoint him.
He just wanted to know if Raphael was really considering to go back to the lair just because he didn't have another place to stay or because he actually wanted to return home.
Raph took a breath, once and twice, before replying, like he was not believing what they were asking him “Mikey… Y’all my brothers, I'm back because I missed ya for fuck sake. We spend twenty years together, I could never leave you guys for real!”
The baby blue eyes relaxed a bit, with them also Donnie's posture and for the red turtle it was already a big step. He came back feeling like an intruder by the way his bros were looking at him and now he felt he could relax a bit.
“Okay...” said his purple brother “Listen Raph, we were about to go to sleep, it was a stressful day and-“
“What about Leo? Shouldn't we call him?”
His brothers shared a look that Raph was not able to decode.
The fuck is their problem?
“You should not worry about Lee, Raph.” they seemed unsure how to continue the sentence “Karai and Shinigami are in Japan too! They took Lee there for help! There's nothing much about it!”
“If there's nothing much, why are y'all so weird about this?” He asked confused but also slightly irritated. As he expected Karai was in this too “And what's with the nickname? You two hadn't called him like that since we were toddlers” it was so weird, like they were scared to even pronounce his name.
“We're just tired Raph, we’d better go” with that Donatello took their baby bro by the shoulders and started walking with him towards their rooms “We didn't touched or cleaned your room at all, but you can sleep there, goodnight.”
Raph watched those two disappear in Donatello's room and blinked confused.
“Like a stranger in ma own house, what a night.”
He honestly missed Mikey bothering him.
Can’t believe you thought that.
*
One month later
“Don't you think it's a little too early, Karai?”
“Don, I don't want to tell that everything is good but the situation is more stable than you think, okay?”
“I trust you, I just think Lee should take more time for herself”
“She wants to come back Dee, being here and away helped but she’s homesick and is missing you all, I can't keep forcing her to stay if she doesn't want to”
Donatello ran a hand over his face, feeling the stress of the situation again for the million time in the last months “Raph’s back”
“Why are y'all so worried about Raphael meeting her? I mean, I know he's a hothead and all and he's not good with emotions but I don't think he will-”
“It's about the other thing”
The other side of the phone went silent then she released a heavy breath.
“We just… Don't know if we should tell him or not. I don’t think he’ll take it well…”
“She should talk about that Donatello, you know how bad she reacted when we found out. And, honestly, I don't want to live that scene again, it was bad enough the first time” the purple brother could hear a muttered “Thanks babe” and a sip, before her sister started to talk again “If you and Mikey think you can’t handle the talk then let it to Lee, as i say it’s about her and by the way she had always been the only one able to handle that hothead”
“You're right…” the taller turtle kept stimming with the pen in his hand until Michelangelo made his entrance in the lab, smiling at him and running toward the desk “It's just that I don't want Raph to make a scene, you know for not telling him anything while he was away”
“He didn't answer when we called him, it's kinda his fault” started Mikey, sitting on the desk and watching carefully his brother talking to the phone. Donatello wanted to scold him that they didn't even bother to reply when he recalled them but didn't have the energy to do that.
“Hi, Neechan!” a scream right in his ear.
“Damn, Mikey!”
“Hi, Otōto” laughed Karai “Anyway, we'll take the first plane tomorrow? Even if you're against it Donnie”
Michelangelo's eyes started to sparkle after hearing that “Lee is coming back?!” in that moment he looked exactly like before all that messy situation happened, he also started to jump around his lab but Don was too happy to see him like that to say something about breaking anything.
“I am not against Lee wanting to come back at home, I'm just worried” they didn't even know which excuses use with Raph to explain they couldn't talk to Lee. It's been three months since she was away in Tokyo with their sister and Shinigami.
“It will be fine Dee, I mean, we're talking about Raphael and Lee, it's literally their way to communicate by fighting in the worst case” his little brother hugged him from behind, his chin on the older’s head.
Donatello putted Karai on speaker and let her to talk with Mikey about the trip and what to prepare for their arrive, trying to distract himself from his usual overthinking.
He didn't really had a good feeling.
*
The morning after Raphael was woke up by a loud noise, he jumped out of his shell and Chompy, that was on his plastron, almost went flying against the roof of his room.
Just after he was sure the little alien pet was okay, Raph get up and starter to walk towards the cause of that chaos: Michelangelo, who else if not him, currently too busy putting pots on the fire and preparing food.
"Ya throwin' a party or what?”
Michelangelo didn't notice him if not when he spoke and smiled brightly “Lee’s coming, will be here tonight! I've got to prepare everything to celebrate!” he said excited before starting to run around the kitchen again, Ice cream Kitty helping him once in a while and miaowing happily.
The red turtle didn't exactly know how to react to that, first Mikey was all detached and the second after was trying to involve him in his crazy plan for a perfect dinner party.
“Come on Raph, we gotta prepare a lot of good things!”
Raphael raised an eyebrow “Will ya tell me why he went away in the first place?” his baby brother stopped after putting Kitty in the freezer but since his back was turned he couldn’t see his expression. Raph bite his lip before asking “Is it because of me?”
The shorter one suddenly turned, his blue eyes surprised and confused “You.. You really think Lee would leave us just over an argument?”
“No? That's the whole reason why I am confused in the first place!” he almost screamed throwing hands in the air “Ya and Donnie don't tell me shit! We can't call, we can't talk about what happened, ya seems so hesitant to talk about him!”
“I'm not! It's just... Listen, I know you are confused but Lee didn't leave because of you despite what you think. It wasn't for the argument, really.” the little one made a little smile, probably trying to comfort “I'm pretty sure she doesn't even remember it!”
“… She?” Okay? Now and maybe he was starting to connect some dots but since when, and why nobody thought on telling him that!
It’s seriously just that?
“I-I meant he!” Mikey made a weird face while saying that, one that Raph didn't really catches and then turned his back again “Come one, we are too late on the schedule!” a schedule he decided alone as always.
Raphael approached his little brother, hand on a shoulder “Just tell me what's happening please, I...”
“I'm sorry, Raph. Not now.”
And when then?!
“Guys?” Donatello joined in the kitchen with Mikey’s luck because Raphael was ready to blow up like he did more than once in the last month “What’s happening? It’s not even nine am”
The red brother was so fucking confused, the other two seemed to not want let him contact Leonardo at all, despite Raph had tried to call and message him he didn’t really receive a real answer. They used the time zone as an excuse the mostly, also talking about how Leo broke his phone before his trip, it didn’t make sense since Donnie was the first one to repair their tphones as soon as they had a scratch on the display.
It wasn’t strange, was totally no sense.
Not to talk about a videocall.
There was always some bullshit excuse not to let him contact the blue brother and Raphael was totally feeling left out, almost abandoned and not only by his little bros since he was back at the lair but also by Leonardo.
Having split up the last time with that stupid argument didn't help him feel at ease. He missed him, okay? He missed him so much that his heart ached, the lair was so fucking empty without him giving orders left and right, everything was too quiet.
Leonardo had left shortly after he had moved out, Raphael would have liked to say temporarily but not even he knew how the hell ended up staying there for two months.
Considering how things ended with Mona...
The fact is: it was really unfair that his brothers had hinded him to try to contact him. Of course he had tried to call anyway but the phone was unreachable every time so he automatically stopped trying after about ten days but even Karai didn't seem to answer, or at least her answers were really vague.
Now, he thought he had solved whatever problem he had with her, after all she was their sister and had to agree with his big bro about how she had just been another victim of Saki, it wasn't her fault what happened and how she had been raised. Leaving aside the fact that she had no romantic interest towards his blue brother in the end had reassured him quite a bit.
The relationship between her and Shinigami left little to misunderstand and on the other hand the last time they had discussed the matter Leonardo seemed to be aware of it.
And most importantly he seemed to have moved on from that stupid infatuation.
So he shouldn't have been so bothered by the fact that Karai had brought Leonardo to Tokyo and was avoiding giving him any concrete answers even when he tried to text her.
Yet there he was, not seething with anger but almost there.
In short, he was very close to exploding.
So caught up in his train of thought he had not at all followed the speech/monologue that Michelangelo was giving to his taller brother about the whole list of things to prepare for Leonardo's return. He only heard Donatello's response to whatever question was asked “I don't think Lee would be happy to find here the Mutanimals after a long journey...”
The little brother pouted in an adorable way “I never said I wanted to invite them too! It's a close family thing!”
“Well, Shinigami will be there though” Raph interjected.
“She's basically our sister-in-law!” the orange one replied putting his hands on his hips “And I would have loved to see Casey and April, since they are family too”
Donatello took another sip of coffee before replying “I doubt that with their thesis around the corner they would have time to come back here and for fun”
Obviously Raphael had also tried to contact April and Casey to find out if they were aware of what was happening at the lair but the two knew less than him, not even aware of the fact that Leonardo was not in New York.
Not that he expected anything else, since they left for college they hadn't heard from them much anymore, they were obviously certain that once they returned it would be as if they had never left but for now he couldn't hope for any help from them.
He certainly had no intention of asking April for help with her powers, in short: desperate yes but not at that level.
“I don't know Mikey, I think Lee will be fine with even a small thing, they'll be exhausted from the trip when they’ll arrive”
And obviously Raphael still didn't quite understand why they had switched to the old nickname that Mikey used as a child to call Leonardo when he still wasn’t able to pronounce the whole name. Once again no response other than "It's just a nickname why do you get all this paranoid".
After all you live for twenty years with a person it is obvious that when the name became practically banned one asks a couple of questions.
"Will ya explain to me why his full name has been totally banned or will ya continue ta pretend that I am an idiot who doesn't realize things?" the red masked turtle spat at one point, before the two could continue to get lost in their conversations.
Initially, knowing full well that there was still some resentment towards him given the fact that he had been away for so long, he had not felt right to intrude in some of their convos, especially regarding Leonardo, he had observed them for a little and every time they mentioned it their attitude became more tense, as if they were afraid of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.
If they were scared of him Raph didn't really know, he vividly ruled it out because by observing them he understood that there was something else. More that he hadn't been told until then.
"Some pretty bad things have happened..."
That had scared him but as long as they assured him that Leonardo was alive and well, even if they didn't seem very convinced at the end, Raph could try to calm down for the first few days. But the more time passed, the more he needed to know.
Something had happened, trying to connect the times perhaps in the first evenings in which he had moved away from the lair, but what had happened that was so serious as to keep their fearless leader away for so long?
Initially he had thought it was because of Karai, who had somehow "indoctrinated" him to follow her for who knows what, as had already happened in the past, but by trying to eavesdrop on one of the many conversations between Donatello and Karai he had guessed that the problem was Leonardo himself.
Or at least he had tried to eavesdrop until Michelangelo caught him in the act just before his older siblings got into the heart of the conversation. His little brother's stare had made him stop staying there and he hadn't tried since. Really embarrassing being lectured by your little sibling.
But now he was fed up, the closer the day was to Leo’s return the more Michelangelo and Donatello seem to almost break under the pressure and Raph managed to have one more piece to the puzzle every day.
The two brothers looked at each other, hesitant and unsure whether to say something or not, in the end it was Donatello, again, who gave in and gave some more information “Look Raph, I don't know exactly how to tell you or explain it to you though...” that his genius brother didn't have words to explain it was strange, but by now when it concerned Leonardo, Raph had gotten used to it.
“Lee is like… very different from before” Michelangelo suddenly threw out, the other two looked at him in surprise as he continued “I mean, well... Not aesthetically, from what I know... A lot of things have changed..”
“Fuck it. Raph, Lee is transfem.”
“DONNIE!”
“I COULDN'T HOLD IT ANYMORE OKAY?!”
“THAT'S OUTING, BRO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT”
“YEAH, WELL THE MISGENDERING WAS KILLING MY PERFECT BRAIN”
“Jeez, fuck. Why did it take that long to tell me?” the two's gazes returned to the green one, disoriented.
“Do you know what that means?”
“Guys, we already have one person in the family who’s trans: Casey. Have ya forgotten?”
“CASEY IS WHAT?!”
Raph opened his eyes and mouth wide, looking as if their brains had just leaked out of their ears ”ARE YA BLIND OR STUPID?!”
“DUDE, YOU JUST OUTED HIM!”
“IT'S NOT MY FAULT I THOUGHT Y'ALL KNEW IT”
The three looked at each other for a long time before collapsing on the kitchen table, long sighs following the silence for almost two minutes until Raphael raised his head from the table.
“I don't understand why ya tried to keep this from me, now I feel guilty for using the deadname” he scolded them, annoyed.
“Hey, the outing is not a cool thing to do!” the orange one shouted in response “And Lee wanted to tell you in person... Before you left” it was clear that it was a dig “We just wanted, I don't know, I think respect that she wanted to tell you in person, she was very anxious about it...”
Raphael felt a little guilty, whether it was because fearless had felt like she couldn't confide in him or because he had been the only idiot so far to kept misgendering her he didn't know but his heart started to hurt.
“Sorry Raph, we weren't trying to leave you out of this”
“Is that why she left?”
They both looked down again and it was there that Raphael realized that there was still more they knew and weren't telling him “You've kept everything from me long enough, I want to know what happened. Why did she leave? You can’t continue not to tell me!”
“Raph. That’s enough” it was Michelangelo who spoke, his baby blue eyes terribly cold “If she wants, she will tell you. This is something bigger than us” his little brother gaze become... So rigid and serious? Mikey always had this weird way to look at people like he was looking at their soul, the mostly ugly and dark part of it, but that was a total different kind of look.
The way that sentence had come out of the youngest left him quite taken aback and for a while he couldn't say anything else. Mikey’s voice was so hard.
Donatello observed the scene without daring to intervene, trying to concentrate as much as possible on his little brother to make sure everything was going well.
Because he knew that night not just one person had been broken.
Michelangelo changed his mood quickly, starting over to fantasize about the evening again “I wonder if she continues to wear the bow I made for her last time” placing hands on his cheeks, making noises and shaking his head as if he had seen an adorable little animal and didn't know how to contain himself “Kyaaaahh, she was so cute!”
The brother in purple let out a laugh at that reaction "Yes, it looked really good on her, you should have seen it, Raph."
The red one remained silent again, not even knowing exactly what to reply other than with mock annoyance "If ya wanted me to see her so much ya could have take a picture."
He too was capable of playing digs.
Then his mind for some absurd reason focused on the figure of the eldest, imagining the usual familiar mask closed in a bow and he would never really have thought of using the term "cute" to talk about his leader. Lee most of the time had nothing cute. Pride, strength, determination, huge ego and cunning, that's how he would have described her.
Of course he had to admit that when she was in the comfort of their lair she had moments where could be cute too: watching her favorite show, relaxing with some tea, even when she went into a total mother hen was cute. Or all the times she had stayed up all night waiting for Raphael to come back home.
A strange feeling in his stomach came to him and...
Okay.
He was definitely thinking too much. And about too many situations.
Lee wasn't cute.
Their little brother was cute.
Chompy was cute.
Maybe even Ice Cream Kitty was cute.
But not Lee, no sir.
Is it me or the kitchen is really hot right now.
"Guys? Is anyone here?"
"Maybe we should have warned"
The three turtles all turned towards the entrance hearing the two voices, Donatello spitting his coffee onto the table "THEY'RE ALREADY HERE?!" he blurted out, getting up and walking towards the voices.
"DEE! MY RISOTTO!" Michelangelo shouted, picking up the bowl that contained the aforementioned food and then realizing and dropping it without thinking twice, running towards the pit "LEE!"
Raph got up from his chair in a hurry and even risked stumbling in the meantime he followed the two little brothers.
He stopped just before the pit and observed the scene from afar: Michelangelo had just released the two brunettes from an almost bone-breaking embrace and was now standing in front of another turtle, holding his arms towards her but not daring to take a step.
Unfortunately his, currently obnoxious, little brother had positioned himself right in front of the blue and so Raphael had no way of seeing Lee, not yet.
In the meantime Donatello had greeted the two girls, he too had reserved a hug for Karai who as soon as she noticed the red waved at him and smiled.
Raphael raised his hand slightly to return the gesture but was distracted again by Michelangelo who in the meantime had launched himself on his sister in blue, lifting her from the ground and starting to spin her in the air. Even so Raphael was able to see very little difference compared to what Michelangelo had claimed there was previously, at least at the moment the only thing he was able to notice was the bow his brothers were talking about earlier.
Damn, she's really cute with that.
He almost blushed at that involuntary thought and looked away to compose himself.
"Mikey I'm about to puke!" the voice was now, if possible, even softer than it normally was before, although it was often decisive and imperative, the oldest's voice had always been delicate in a certain sense, especially after the invasion. Perhaps to a new ear it wouldn't have sounded the same but after twenty years, even though the tone and volume were still the same, Raph would have recognized it everywhere.
"OH, SORRY" he immediately put her back down, holding her hands and seeming not to want to let go of her even for a second, now the red turtle could see her hugging Donnie too and smiling.
The eyes had a very light blue eyeliner makeup, almost imperceptible but Raphael knew the faces of his siblings perfectly, especially the one he was used to find himself two centimeters away from during sparring.
Had she gained weight? No, even if it wouldn't have mattered but her shape was much more delicate than before, Lee had always been slender and muscular but at the moment, despite maintaining those characteristics, he found her much more sinuous. Yes, in short, in physical appearance and with the exception of the height she reminded him a lot of Mona's body… But better.
I can't believe I thought that
Over for these little details
Stop staring at her legs
She was exactly the same as always.
"Raph?" Okay, now she was looking at him, come on it was just Lee, why the hell was he so embarassed.
In the meantime she had approached and Raphael had noticed how Michelangelo had stiffened and tried to stop her before Donatello placed a hand on his shoulder.
They were looking at each other and Raphael didn't have the slightest idea for the first time in his life what to say and the fact that neither of them were good with feelings certainly didn't help. Their language had always mostly been yelling at each other and fighting, now he didn't even know how to react.
Was everything fine or would their relationship have suffered after all those months?
He didn't even have time to overthink further. His blue sister had wrapped her arms around his neck and was holding him very close, Raphael instinctively grabbed her hips before passing his hands behind the shell and bringing her even closer. He felt her tense up for a few seconds before relaxing.
It was a reaction that left a bad taste in his mouth, mainly because he didn't understand what had caused it. Now that she was right in his arms he also started to notice some new scars on her arms and neck that he was sure were not there before their argument.
"I'm glad you're back" she said in a low voice, almost as if she didn't want the rest of the family to hear them. And Raphael hadn’t time to focus on anything else.
"M..me too. I-i mean, I'm glad ya are back" he stammered, Seriously Raphael Hamato? Since when?
The hug lasted a few more seconds, when they pulled away she looked him in the eyes and smiled sweetly, Raphael was about to open his mouth and say not even he knew what before their, very hated at that moment, little brother grabbed his sister's hand.
"Come on Lee, I was cooking a lot of stuff for you" and with that he dragged her towards the kitchen.
"Mikey don't pull me!" she scolded him, throwing one last glance over her shoulder at the hothead.
Raphael released the breath he didn't even know he was holding and relaxed completely, trying to focus as quickly as possible on the conversation Karai and Don were having and went to sit in the pit, next to his almost-sister-in-law.
"I thought you said she was-"
"I know, that's why we left early"
Shinigami was wearing a long black dress, her usual witch hat and looked at him with the smile of someone who knew a lot "Really adorable"
Raphael didn't even find the courage to reply because probably from the outside the scene was really adorable, especially from the two most emotionally constipated in the family.
Shinigami never run her mouth.
“Just make sure she takes her medicine, it's always really hard convince her"
Donatello raised a nonexistent eyebrow, taking the meds his sister was handing him without looking at them "It's not that serious if she doesn't want to take estrogens anymore"
Karai sighed "It's not the estrogens, it's the others"
"What others?" Raphael found himself asking, kinda worried, and for the first time, not in Don's case he had gotten used to it by now, he saw total discomfort on Karai's face, who shifted her weight from one foot to the other before talking.
"She also has to take antidepressants and anxiolytics" she began, unsure whether to continue "But before coming back she decided she didn’t want it"
Shinigami sighed "Not that she agreed to take it at first" then looked at Raphael as if perhaps trying to reassure him and continued, since neither of his two siblings seemed determined to speak "She didn't want you to see her getting mixed up but she must continue the therapy for a little longer as prescribed, try to reassure her about it"
In the end Raphael thought that taking certain medicines could only be good for her, if it were up to him they would all have to use them. Especially after Sensei's death. Especially after what they had all been through in the last few years.
Turned out Lee had received the prescription thanks to Shinigami's mother who was a therapist in Japan, one of the main reasons they had decided to take her there. That she had even started taking estrogens before Raph left the lair, Donnie had synthesized it in the lab for her and Raph actually remembered a time when he hadn't seen his brother leave the lab for days and how he had kidnapped Lee immediately after finishing what he was doing.
He also discovered that Lee had never been so in agreement about leaving New York but that the decision had been made by her brothers for her own good and Raph felt the anger rise again at that news.
Connecting dots Raph realizes that something quite serious had happened the night they had argued, he was totally sure now. That night his brothers, Mikey in particular, had tried to contact him about it, yes without ever specifying the problem but when Raphael had proven so stubborn in wanting to stay away for a while, claiming that he needed it, they had left him in peace and Mikey was done trying to convince him. So consequently they had made decisions for the good of Lee, regardless of the red.
It definitely stung.
Not so much because the brothers had ignored to mention that it was important, or maybe they had but Raph was so taken with his ex that he hadn't given it importance, but more because he hadn't been there for Lee when she needed it.
It had always been like this: since they were little Raph was her second in command, he was supposed to be there to protect her and again he hadn't been able to. Flashbacks of the farmhouse were coming back to haunt him, which didn't make sense because Lee was at home, standing, looking calm, yes there was something off about her but maybe it was just because Raph had never seen her like this. .. Chill?! Like in years. But that was the feeling.
He wanted to get up and stay constantly at her side like he had done after she woke up from the coma, to be her shadow to make sure nothing would ever happen again, to be able to intervene immediately, but there was something blocking him. Maybe because he felt like he had missed months of her life and it had never happened that any of them stayed away from the others for so long, none of them were used to not know about the others.
It was maybe because that morning he woke up having a different Lee in his mind, a figure who changed totally through the day, at least physically. But Lee was no different than before, at the same time something was wrong and not knowing was driving him crazy.
That’s what you get for running after a space tail
He clenched his fists.
That voice kinda sounded a lot like Mikey's one at first and Raph realized it was because Mikey was actually calling to preparing lunch all together.
Raphael was the last to get up and head towards the kitchen, immediately behind Karai and Donatello who continued to talk to each other trying not to be overheard.
Raph understood that they wanted Lee to talk about that particular situation but damn it was frustrating, everyone talking behind his back as if he wasn't able to deal with it or lend a hand.
In the kitchen Mikey was literally glued to Lee side, he had no eyes for anyone else except for his older sister, who, in her totally independent nature was clearly and slightly uncomfortable, as she was also when Raph after the invasion didn't let her go even for a second. But if that time Lee was much more frustrated by the situation this time she almost seemed to have resigned herself.
Raph watched how during the cooking Mikey always tends to have an extra care for the leader and how Karai kept talking about how she needed the medicines, Lee actually frowned a lot at that.
"I don't need it."
"Yes, you do. For some months still" the annoyed reply of their purple brother.
"They keep making my brain foggy, I can't be a ninja with those" she was starting to get nervous, Raphael could tell it by her tone and how she tensed her shoulders, she always did that when people started to worry about her. She had always been so good to fake that everything was okay until people started talking about her. Well being or health indifferent.
"Lily, we talked about this" Karai said harshly "Stop being so stubborn" like she already told that several times "We're at peace now, there's no need for you to be on guard. And even if it were, Shini and I are here on purpose, you need more time"
"Even before this we were at peace..."
"Michael, you're not helping"
Michelangelo had been silent for too long for Raphael's liking, he had finally decided to speak and theres was a harsh tone of response, he hadn't heard Donatello have that nervousness for months, they were probably not on the same page about that situation.
The baby brother shut up and Raph knew him well enough to say he was angry that what was supposed to be a party had turned into an argument, not a lively one, but the two conflicting opinions were enough to ruin the mood.
Shini observed how Karai and Donatello were trying to convince Lee that what they were saying was for her well being but Shinigami also saw how the blue masked turtle continued to desperately seek the green gaze of her brother sitting in front of her. The japanese girl extends her leg to lightly hit the Raph's leg who immediately looks up at her, dazed.
The witch pointed with her gaze and Raphael met his eyes with sea blue ones, begging him to say something.
But Raphael didn't know what to say, he didn't know anything about the situation, he was realizing that he didn't have the slightest idea how to approach his teammate.
Then Lee lowered her head and, not hiding how annoyed she was, grabbed the medicines on the table, blurted out “Fine.", got up and walked away.
"Lee, wait!" Mikey immediately got up to run to her but the blue leader didn't even give him time to get closer and dismissed herself by saying that she was tired and wanted to rest.
Normally Raphael would have said that her "rest" always consisted of meditating, but considering the jet leg and the fact that they had talked about how one of the side effects of antidepressants was tiredness/exhaustion he wasn't so sure anymore, maybe it was the right time they saw their sister actually sleeping. Yet Michelangelo continued to look at the point where she had moved away, continuing to bounce on the spot, he almost seemed unable to keep still and exuded an area of nervousness that was quite strange to perceive from the baby brother.
“Mikey” Donatello spoke softly, holding him by the shoulders “She's probably very tired, let her breath a little” the little one looked at his brother and the rest of their family with big eyes and Raphael understood that Mikey was really anxious, he couldn't stop moving or fidgeting with his hands.
“So are we gonna talk about the elephant in the room” all eyes pointed on Shinigami, Karai glaring at her like already knowing what she was about to say.
“Babe, don't you-“
“I think you should explain everything to the poor thing here” and she pointed Raphael “He suffered enough”
And then all the eyes pointed Raph, making him wish he hadn't returned to the lair at all.
Their sister crossed her arms, stiffed “You talk like we did everything just to punish him”
Of course not telling him about the situation wasn't exactly the same as giving him a reward. He kept thinking about how his blue sis was looking at him just five minutes ago and he fought so hard the urge to go after her.
Usually when Donatello was against something or was pretty sure to be right he would have retorted but didn't say anything and by that, both Raph and Mikey, knew that what Shinigami was saying was probably right “Listen, I know you are all worried about her and that was totally okay for the first months because she couldn't really take care of herself. And I'm not saying she's totally okay now either... but she's doing better and you are all acting like she's a child not able to take her own decisions, you can’t expect the Sensei of this family to be okay with being treated like this” she huffed a little trying to find the right words “She needs control now, okay?
She's used to be the one to take care of every thing, I know you are all worried and just want the best for her but what about actually asking her what she needs” she didn’t said anything for a while “Let her have a little control about stuffs, that would help, especially after what she had been through”
Probably the worst thing he could have heard in his life, his mind went blank and that word continued to resonate for a long time.
Raped.
Raphael’s heart dropped.
“Wha... This is not funny.”
He had a million questions.
“Ambush, she… went out without saying anything and then we found her” at the memory Karai’s breath almost stopped and she felt nauseous, her face became pale almost the colour of her mutation form.
“Tigerclaw” she said after a while, the turtle’s eyes went wide.
I'm gonna fucking kill him.
“We... take care of him” they all looked at Mikey, who has started to clean the kitchen to not follow the conversation. He usually did that when the topic was particularly hard for him and needed to keep his head off a little. Donatello was looking at him like he was really worried.
“Yeah, won't hurt anyone anymore”
Raphael dropped his head, clenching his fists on his lap and tried to focus on what the other where saying, without even recognising the voices anymore.
A buzz in his mind started to distract him and his vision was becoming red, he could barely breath let alone think straight.
“She... didn't take it well when she understood we know... She self harmed herself over and over so we thought being away for a little would have been a good idea... we were just worried she would have relapsed if we told you in her place... “
“And she was also worried because she didn't tell you about her coming out... We're sorry, we didn't do that with bad intentions, we were barely able to handle the situation”
The static rumor in Raph’s mind ended and without even realising his fist met the table, going right through it.
Y’all fucking assholes
He honestly didn't care if he said it out loud or just thought it.
He freed his fist and went to his room.
Nobody followed.
*
When after hours Karai went to his room, Raph's first instinct was to throw his sai to make her go away.
He had passed the whole evening in his room, Chompy on his side trying to comfort him as he could, eyes fixed in one corner with his mind continuing to race to what had happened at lunch. What they had said.
He couldn't focus on anything else, so shocked that even his anger seemed to have vanished. He just felt confused, lost, eager to do something and help his big sister. It had always been so natural for him to run to her when needed help, whatever the situation was. Even though they had also argued Raphael used to always put the argument second to the promise to protect his family.
For the first time he had ignored that promise and Lee had to pay the consequences.
Again.
She was always the one who pay the consequences
“Can I come closer?”
“Already making yourself at home, it seems” the voice without emotion, totally dull.
Karai half-smiled and looked at him “It's a little difficult to feel at home while you're there threatening me with the sai” there was no resentment in the voice and Raphael actually realized that he had put a hand on his belt ready to grab the weapon.
Then he looked up to finally meet his sister’s eyes and saw how they were extremely red and swollen, her makeup mostly smeared and record-breaking bags under her eyes.
The portrait of tiredness.
He nodded at her and kept looking as she sat down next to him, on the spare mattress still in the room for when Casey stopped over to sleep.
“Ya look like a zombie”
“You told me worse” the girl gently caressed the little space-turtle's head, then frowned and looked up at him “I’m really sorry, Raphael”
He stayed silent for a while ”I can't believe you didn't tell me anything right away” he started harsh but then bite his lower lip and let out a sight, pressing his head against a hand “How did…”
“I don't really want to talk about it... It was bad…”
“How much?”
“Almost as the invasion, Don told me what Shredder had done to her... It was worse though, I... I wish I could erased that image from my mind, it's really bad to say this but I can't... I just can't...”
He couldn't even blame her, if he thought back to the invasion he could say exactly the same thing.
Karai brought her knees to her chest, swallowing the lump in her throat “It was even worse when she woke up, while Donnie was stitching her up... I think she was still in fight mode and didn't realize she was finally safe but when she realized it was us and that we knew... I never saw her face broke down like that, it was heartbreaking, she...stopped talking for weeks”
We should have killed him when we could
Raphael tried to push that thought out of his mind because they were ninjas and not assassins and revenge wasn't the right way but he couldn't help but want that damn tiger underground.
“I know what you think, we all thought it”
“What else should ya think in such a situation”
She smiled but it was a sad smile “I know, right? That's what I used to think before Father did all that speech on how the revenge was just hurting my soul more... I thought Mikey having had that teaching for all his life would have made him react differently”
Raphael wished he could have been shocked by the notice of his little brother killing someone but really wasn't. Mikey had always become very aggressive towards people who hurt really bad his siblings, he could be very scary when angry.
Ya did well little brother.
Karai watched Raphael reaction and quite didn't expect it, she remembered how Donatello was devastated knowing.
Mikey had gone out without anyone noticing and then returned to the lair completely covered in blood, Donatello had become even more agitated fearing that the blood was his but the youngest had reassured by saying that everything was fine.
Mikey then saw Lee, her body practically half covered by bandages and the mask left loose around her neck. She was looking out the door of the lab and he smiled at her before approaching.
"You're safe now, Lee"
The blue turtle immediately hugged the little brother's head and held him close while he was crying and shaking, then she took him to the bathroom to remove all the blood.
Karai later had to calm down Donatello who was smashing everything in his lab.
“I thought you would have been shocked like Donnie, honestly” also that hadn't been a good scene.
Raphael made a little cuddle to Chompy who was now sleeping between the two “I can't blame Mikey, would've done it myself if I knew it... probably Dee was just angry that of all the people was Mikey who did it” he looked at her again “Why ya took her in Japan?”
Karai's face darkens again at the memory and she hugged herself tighter, breathing in and out to calm down so she could speak in a stable voice.
Raphael found her very different from the kunoichi he had met years ago.
“ … She started hurting herself, reopening old wounds and making new ones...” Raphael's eyes widened at that sentence “We didn't have time to stitch her up and was hurting herself again and it went on like this for days, Mikey didn't stop crying, all you could hear was screams from the lab...”
"You have to stop doing that!"
"This body is disgusting, you don't understand shit!"
“The further we went the more we understood that the trauma and dysphoria were probably not helping with the transition. I don't know the details, she mentioned something to me recently cause she was calmer thanks to the medicines”
Raphael discovered that in order to reassure Lee about her body they took her to Tokyo mainly with the excuse of being able to offer her the transition surgery, since Donatello felt like he was not able of it either mentally or physically, Karai mentioned something about a couple of broken fingers but didn’t went into details.
It seemed strange to Raphael at first because since when there were vets specialized in gender transition for mutant turtles, and it could probably see from his face that he considered everything a huge bullshit because Karai let out a little laugh when she saw it.
She explained to him how thanks to her blood, other than the estrogens, Donatello had synthesized another kind of anti-mutagen: given the particular nature of Karai's mutation, which was capable of changing shape at will, he had managed to do the same thing for Lee. Made her human just long enough to be able to go to Tokyo.
They had chosen to temporarily remove her from New York thinking that perhaps the total change of scenery would help the elder's mental state and Raphael was very reassured knowing that actually, also thanks to the medicines, Lee had been well but the fact that she could become human agitated him quite a bit.
Now she was completely free to leave if she wanted.
And probably on his face the thought was clear because Karai patted him on the shell and said “Of course Raphael, she wanted to go home as soon as possible just because she was so eager to live on the surface” she giggled at the dirty look “She's loyal to you all Raph, couldn't stop talking about how she wanted to come back and see you guys.”
Raphael let out a sigh he didn't know he was holding and clenched his fists, trying to elaborate his feeling “I’ve... never seen her so... chill, in ages. Not even when we were little. It’s so strange.”
She put a hand on his shoulder, sensing he was worried about something even if she couldn't really get what it was “She had been very collaborative lately... which is weird because you know how stubborn she can be, especially if you talk about her health.”
Raph had a specific memory about that: his big sis claiming she could go upstairs jumping on her healthy leg, and also actually doing that, ignoring the red one screaming she was insane while holding her crutch.
He was so used to think he was the one who kept her with her feet on the ground... He didn’t even liked to think that but her mind was not good for her, she will eat her own brain with some no sense their dad put in her head and make her believe about sacrifice.
He has always been the one to made her open eyes and stop doing that. But it was like a every month job, he needed to do it a lot of times before she would actually listen.
“But she really doesn't listen to anyone, I swear it was a really hard job to make her take meds and not exaggerate with the training after the surgery. Not to talk about the antidepressants... I had to like, threatening her saying the sooner she'll get it the sooner we will be back to you”
“I think I don't know how to talk to her anymore” blurted out Raphael after being in silence for a while.
Karai looked sadly at him and sighs loudly “Shinigami is better than me at comforts, I'm... Not really helping probably, sorry”
Raphael gifter her a little smile, to reassure “Same here, but ya are tryin', that's something Sis” he knows it was difficult for her to try open up after a life of lies and manipulation, pretty difficult to unlearn. Karai looked at him surprised and her eyes became glassy but she lowered her head to not be seen.
“She kept fighting us because you weren't there, she looked calmer but it was just the meds effect… She told me you were what kept her calm her whole life”
The red masked turtle almost jumped at that statement.
No way fearless said that... Impossible, right?
Yes, okay he knows most of the times Lee needed to hit the head against a wall to understand that the path she was taking wasn't the right one and Raphael had always been more than happy to be the wall if that meant helping her. Because it was one thing have Sensei to keep an eye on her, it was another to let her drown in the black ocean that was her head.
So yes, he knew he was helping a little but from there to hearing that fearless was only calm when he was present was another matter.
He felt a strange pang in his stomach, he couldn't even describe whether it was annoying or pleasant, he only knew that it was as if he was on fire, his face especially.
Thank goodness his mask was red.
He was grateful that Karai had come in to talk. Couple of years ago they would never have been able to do it but had happened several times, after some mini-parties organized by Mikey, they found themselves talking while everyone was asleep, alcohol in their bodies and hearts open. On one hand they discovered they were more similar than they thought, of course Raphael couldn't help but always feel a small sting of jealousy when he saw Karai and Lee close BUT that was his problem.
“Just keep an eye on her, she has a lot of weirdos going after her, doesn't even realize how pretty she is and men sucks” she smirked, Raphael just knew she noticed his blush.
He was really going to thank her at first, then after the last sentence the feeling became the temptation to send her to hell but before being able to do both the bedroom door opened and a slightly pale-faced Shinigami revealed herself “Lee's not in the lair”
They both skipped to the pit.
“Nonononono! We gotta go to find her”
“Mikey you have to breath first!” the taller brother said before stopping the younger to get out of the lair “You're gonna have a panic attack”
The big blue eyes were so wide, he looked terrified “No, I've-I've gotta find her, I... I can't leave her outside alone!” he blurted out grabbing Donnie's arm so hard, sure that would leave a bruise the next day.
Raphael watched how his little brother was shaking and trying to get away from the purple grip who was holding him. He never saw Michelangelo like that, he was usually the one who kept the mood high and tried to reassure everyone and now the little one was visibility panicking and having problems breathing.
Donatello took Mikey's face in both hands and made him look in his eyes “He's dead, Angie” the orange one seemed to relax a little bit at that “He can't hurt her”
Blue eyes became watery and the breathing more regular as his brother in purple instructed him to inhale and exhale. Karai came back from the dojo where she had recovered a couple of weapons and approached the two youngest “We're going to look for her, take care of Mikey” she said, turning to Donatello.
He then looked at Shinigami and Raphael, nodding and the three ran out.
*
They separated to better divide the territory and have a chance of finding her.
Donatello messaged Raphael: he had managed to calm Mikey down, that had also tried to get him to rest but he had been adamant about that. He wanted to see Lee home safe before resting. The brother in purple once more complained about how he was going to install trackers on all four of them because he was fed up with crazy siblings and not knowing where they were going.
The turtle in red had chuckled at that and immediately put the phone away to continue his search. He was worried yes, but not panicked, he knew very well that there were times when the eldest really needed to be alone to clear her mind and probably having been monitored almost 24/7 for months had triggered the need to get away for a while.
And she must have been really exasperated to want to distance herself from her family because it was mostly a Raph thing to do that, not Lee’s.
But Raphael understood the feeling and didn't judge her for it.
He had already looked in the places where she generally preferred to stop and observe the city but without any positive results, they had already been out for a couple of hours and the run over the rooftops seemed interminable until by chance he saw the usual blue mask in the distance.
He braked suddenly holding on to the wall of the roof he was about to jump and changed direction, immediately running towards his sister.
Landing on the building he stopped to catch his breath and did not dare approach as soon as he had recovered it: Lee was sitting on the edge of the roof, her legs left dangling outside and she was resting her weight on her arms behind the shell, gaze fixed on the moon. As soon as Raph realized that she wasn't wearing katanas, by instinct approached protectively but took a few uncertain steps forward and only when he was a meter away stopped "Tsuki ga kirei desu ne?"
Raphael stood there for a while trying to process the question asked in perfect Japanese, Lee had always been the one with the best command of the language, something about how beautiful the moon was.
The red one started to speak and barely managed to pronounce his sister's name and then stopped again as soon as she turned towards him, smiling and softening her gaze.
His stomach was bothering him again and since when was it so hot?!
She motioned for him to come and sit next to her and Raphael immediately obeyed, trying to maintain a distance that wouldn't make her uncomfortable given the aversion she had for closeness and contact now, as Karai had explained.
He missed the blue turtle's disappointed and hurt look, too busy staring at his fists, thinking back to the words they said to him and what had happened to his big sister while he, like a stupid idiot, was too busy with his girlfriend to think that someone was assaulting her.
His fists clenched and he looked up at his sister to speak but met a very cold and angry eyes.
“Don't you dare look at me like that”
Pity. She hated when people looked at her like that.
She kept her gaze fixed on the red brother, determined, her blue irises like a night sea ready for a storm, and Raphael gave up and looked away wanted to avoid irritating her even more.
A small "sorry" was muttered and he noticed the figure relax and went back to looking at the sky and the road. Now, great, he'd only found her a minute ago and had been already able to infuriate her.
You always cause her distress
He used to always seem unhappy by Lee’s continued refusal to open up so he also used to try to rile her up to finally get some emotion out of her, to get her to stop acting like nothing could touch her or make her feel anything. Now he feared he would somehow trigger a memory or hurt her unconsciously.
You already did that by not being there when she needed you
“I really missed the city”
Raphael looked at her again and when he saw the relaxed face he found the force to finally speak “I thought Tokyo was even more chaotic than New York”
Lee gave a delicate laugh “It is, but home is home you know”
They remained silent for a while longer, but Raphael never took eyes off his sister's face.
“I guess I freaked everyone out, is Mikey okay?” she asked “Donnie told me he suffers from separation anxiety lately...” Raphael pretended that not knowing it didn't hurt him, even though it should have understand it from how Mikey was practically glued to Donnie's shell in the last period.
“He went a little crazy...” seeing how she lowered her gaze feeling guilty made Raph immediately try to remedy it. To comfort he approached putting a hand on her shoulder, not realizing how she had jumped “But Donnie had everything under control, before we got here he had already calmed him down”
Lee had looked away from his mouth to the hand resting on her shoulder and Raphael took it away, cursing himself, she released the small breathe she was holding back.
“I-I... Sorry... Habit”
She shook her head “No... I'm sorry-!“
“Ya shouldn't be. Nothing was yer fault”
“I know... My therapist repeated that till I was nauseous, I just .. see everyone's feeling sorry for me and... I don’t know, I don't want people to look at me and see just that”
Raphael was surprised how she immediately started to talk about her feelings, she always tried to hide everything. He supposed the therapist had really helped but underneath he hoped she was also so open to talk because after all he had always been the only one able to help her open up.
“I’m sorry we're makin' ya feel like this”
“It’s okay, it's not your fault either, Raph. I'm glad to have you all to take care of me”
Raph clenched his fists again
I do not agree with that
But she didn't need to worry about how he was feeling.
Not really knowing what to talk about he thought it was a good start to ask her about what she went in Japan for.
“Karai told me about the surgery... Everything… went okay?” he wasn't really an expert about how it worked but Casey told him some stuffs about it so he kinda have a general smattering. He wanted to know what he had missed while they weren't together.
She made a little smirk “Are you asking about my titties or what?” Raphael jaw dropped and he became redder than his mask, started babbling nonsense verses and phrases, making his sister burst out laughing.
Okay, it was a bad idea to start like that .
Out of pure instinct he had wanted to push her or grab her shoulders, shake her and ask if she was out of her mind but he had to stop himself. He also wanted to yell at her to stop laughing like a maniac but it was useless to pretend that he didn't miss that sound, so he simply began with “I swear I'll throw ya off the roof” still red in the face and slightly irritated.
She continues to giggle, wiping tears from one of her eyes “You should have seen your face” and Raphael understood that the only thing she was doing was trying to reassure him that everything was fine between them “Anyway, yes, everything worked out” she then said catching breath “it was bottom surgery so I wasn't able to train again for a while, that’s why we stayed there longer, and my knee hurt a little but otherwise everything went well, don't worry.”
Raphael was more than certain that he didn't deserve the way Lee was trying to reassure him for not being there, because he knew her like the back of his hand and that joke was mostly made to defuse the tension.
She had always been good at abandoning what she needed and transforming it into what her brothers needed, Lee would never admit that she was good with feelings because she wasn't, at least not until they needed her to be.
In the past he thought he didn't deserve it but now even more so.
“It was the part that bothered me the most and Donnie claimed he wasn't capable of it, it was the only solution they could think of but that's okay. I mean, not that I didn't agree but this is resolved and the estrogen will take care of the rest.”
“How long should ya go on?”
“Depends from person to person but generally up to a maximum of five years, been on it for like six months now” before the rape situation being supported had really helped, it didn't really gave her time to worry and get disgusted about her body, but still they were so focused on not make her feel uncomfortable and help her being her real self that she couldn't really say dysphoria was a big problem. Sure she felt annoyed by lot of stuffs before knowing (like the fucking dick she fucking hated) but she also didn’t had really the time to focus on it with Master Splinter always around to remind she needed to train or else, most of the time.
Then the turtle in red frowned, remembering a detail he didn't liked much “They told me ya have a mutation like Karai's now...”
She looked up at him, her blue eyes seeming to almost glow with the lights coming from underneath them, and she tilted her head to the side a little “It was like having to learn to walk all over again! The weight is totally different without the shell!” she complained, pointing behind “ And I can't really control it like Karai does” an annoyed face, as if pointing out something embarrassing and unpleasant.
So that's why they couldn't video call her? She was stuck in a human form?
“Do...” he needed to ask before going crazy, even if he knew she would never but “Ya want to stay human?”
Lee looked confused “Raph, why would you think that?”
“I mean...why not?” it makes sense, it was surely better than living in the sewers with brothers who seemed unable to take care of her.
The blue approached and placed a hand on his “I’m committed to you. I won't leave you guys just to live as a human, Donnie is already working on an anti mutagen to repress the human form so I won't be able to transform again. Didn't they tell you that?”
That soothed him in a way words weren't able to explain.
The red masked turtle looked at the hand resting on his and had to echo all his self-control not to cling as if it could disappear at any moment “We... weren't exactly getting along”
“Ara... Those two will hear me as soon as we get back”
“I’m sorry, I thought Karai...”
She smiled “I understand why you would thought that, I... Realize I didn't really liked her that way. I mean at first I thought I did, but as time passed by I’ve come to the conclusion it was just gender envy. I thought, and still think, she’s cool and I was obsessed with taking her away from Shredder mostly because of Sensei and because I found unfair she had to live with that bitch”
Yeah, Raph remembered that. They were just kids.
Lee was just a kid.
Even if he didn't expect the “bad word” from the currently Sensei but his brother also told him the medicines made Lee more open about herself.
“But it's not like that now, you don't have to worry about her” that calmed him a bit, especially when she tightened the grip on his hand “Oh, I almost forgot... Are you and Mona...?”
“Yeah”
“... I'm sorry, you wanna talk about it?” she didn't even tried to leave his hand.
Raphael swallowed, he hadn't talked about it with anyone and it was a feeling that he would have preferred to forget and, above all, forget what had happened but Lee was there and was opening up to him despite having abandoned her. He owed it to her.
“She kinda... Wanted more and I didn't... Not in that way.”
Probably because she had experienced the same thing, only a thousand times worse, but his sister immediately understood what he was referring to.
Raphael had never felt ashamed for not feeling ready that time, indeed in general he had never felt ashamed because he didn't want it.
“Couples do that stuffs continuously!”
“Yeah well, I don't want. We don't even know each other so well.”
Yeah, he wasn't embarrassed for that.
If she didn’t agreed with that then it was her problem, not really his. Another reason why he hadn't felt so bad after the breakup and hadn't dwelled on it.
Forcing someone wasn't right. It never was.
When Lee scooped a little more near him she also hugged his arm, resting her head on his shoulder. Raphael wasn't really ready for that but it relaxed him a lot more than it should have.
“That night I… just didn't wanted you to go out because I've planned in my mind that I would have talked to you... I'm sorry, I've been a bitch about it” she said in a lower voice.
“Nah, ya were right... I’m sorry too, I’ve been an asshole. Ya wanted to tell me something important and I was too focused on a space tail”
“Yeah, but she was important to yo-“
“Ya were more important. And I didn't listen, I was a shitty brother, I'm sorry”
Lee didn't reply but he knew she wanted to say more and try to convince him it was her fault somehow. He rested his head on hers and, reassured by seeing that she hadn't jumped, relaxed.
She tightens her grip on the arm and intertwined the fingers of the hands they were holding.
“You know I was no longer able to communicate with Sensei...”
“Really? But I thought-“
“Never saw him since that day... It's also true that I haven't been able to meditate lately but Shini says maybe it's because of the medicine..”
“What, did they tell ya it's all in your head?”
“Something like that, I thought he didn't want to have anything to do with me because you know... the whole thing about being trans”
“Would ya… Mhhh.. tell me how ya understood it?”
“Mikey did this” she pointed her bow “He was just bored and was playing with the mask but when I saw it I felt something different... He was worried I was pissed off but I just really liked it... And Sensei wasn't there to keep my mind off with the training all the time so... Yeah, that. I also didn't tried to meditate to contact him as often as I did before...”
She was playing with her knee pad while talking and Raphael remembered how when they were little she used to fidget with her hands to relieve the stress. Until Sensei told her to not do that and Raphael felt a bit angry, more than a bit actually “Ya always forced yourself to be what he wanted ya to be, if now he doesn't want to see ya just because ya understood who ya are it’s his problem. Not yours, okay?”
She looked at him without moving her head and then smiled sadly “I know, it's just... a little harder sometimes” Lee always thought love was something she needed to work for, especially when it comes to their dad, she had to earn love, to be perfect to be loved or else.
“Ya seems so chill about... Everything...not only what he did but also how everyone is hovering” he tried to asked, remembering how she had always preferred her personal space.
“Just the medicines really kicks in so even when I try to worry I can't really focus on that, I start to feel drowsy like there’s a kind of fog in my mind” she explained, tilting her head like that would help to find the right words “I can think clear but also can't really focus on what's bothering me so..” letting the phrase die she tensed a little before continuing “I don't even remember it... I totally dissociated but... I still feel like someone is touching me sometimes...” the green eyes turtle noticed how much difficult opening up was becoming by how her face turned pale, so he hated himself for asking the question in the first place and he was about to tell her she didn’t need to tell him everything, they had time.
But their dialogue was interrupted by Raph’s phone alerting: Karai and Shini updating him and asking if he had found his sister, he responded quickly without breaking too much the physical contact and then returned his attention to her, who smiled at him again. He really hated those two for interrupting his moment with Lee after so long.
“Come on, let's go” Raphael suddenly felt too cold where their skin was no longer touching “Before everyone gets syncope”
The red one let out a laugh but suddenly turned around as he was getting up from the edge of the roof when he heard a thud: Lee was on the floor, massaging her bottom shell and murmuring some painful "itai itai itai" then seeing that her brother was staring at her she blushed “I told you that the weight is different!” she justified herself embarrassed.
Raphael couldn't help but burst out laughing.
*
Obviously as soon as they returned the two were surrounded and bombarded with questions that neither of them could really understand given the mess that those three were making by talking over each other.
The only one they heard was simply because Donatello spoke at a moment when the others were catching their breath "Why did you go out without weapons?!”
“Who told you that? I'm always armed” the blue one replied, snorting, as if she had already answered that question several times.
Behind their three siblings Shinigami was shaking her head dejectedly, face-palming.
Michelangelo seemed to refrain from jumping on the eldest and never letting go of her for even a second, bouncing on the spot, his eyes big and shiny again, he was about to speak too, above all the reproaches that Karai was shouting for making her worry but the little one stopped as Lee looked at him.
She placed a hand on his head, caressing him gently “I'm sorry I’ve made you anxious“ at that both Don and Karai looked surprised “But I feel better now, y'all don't have to worry so much”
Raphael exchanges a look with his taller brother before nodding and at that Donatello finally relaxes his shoulders.
“I... I still don't like you going out without saying anything, okay?” he said keeping his voice low, looking away.
“You're right, I'm sorry about that” Raphael didn't really liked how she kept apologizing for everything but he also knew she was doing it just to make everyone feel okay again.
Again, she was ready to give them what they needed.
Mikey voice cracked “Please, don't do that anymore....” his face still pointed towards the floor but Raphael could see how his eyes were already two waterfalls.
Their big sis smiled and hugged his head to hide him in her shoulder, the orange one had to bend a little because he had grow up a few inch taller in the last years.
All of them had actually, except for Lee who now was the smallest in height.
“That’s okay little brother” and Mikey just broke down.
Once in her room she literally lunged herself on the bed, face down in the mattress and Raphael had to keep his laugh because he had never saw her acting like that.
And wasn't really sure he liked how different she was and not for something but because if the medicines were supposed to calm her down she was probably acting like her real self.
Thing she hadn't been able to do for years, under the whole leader pressure she basically became a piece of wood and more than once Raphael thought she was becoming also empty, too empty. Not talking about her tried dates with death more than once.
“Didn't ya come in here to unpack?”
“I did, but the jetlag is kicking my brain” she said, lifting her torso to reach back and look at him “Headache was killing me on the plane, didn’t sleep at all”
Raphael crossed his arms and smiled a little at her “Then why ya still up?”
Lee looked away, slightly red in the face, then lay down on the bed, patting the other side for the red brother to go and lie down next to her.
Raphael stood there for like a minute feeling like an idiot and telling himself to do something, whether join her or run away was not clear to him. Despite the damn tired look, Lee was begging him to stay a little longer.
Fuck it, just do it. Mike and Dee are always tangled up in bed together
Raphael wasn't really sure it was okay for those two to be that tangled up together in bed but it wasn't his business.
He thinks.
He reached her and lay down, one hand resting to support his head since the second pillow Lee usually had at the moment was in her arms, clinging as if life depended on it, face half hidden by it.
“It's just .. it's been a while since we talked like this...”
She meant like actually normal and sane people and not fucked up teenagers who were always screaming at each other because scared to lose everything, not their fault tho, Raphael was pretty aware of that.
“We can talk tomorrow, ya really look like shit now”
“You know I can still beat your ass, right?”
“Ya wish”
Raphael smiled and laughed when she made an annoyed face, he was trying to reassure her like she did on the rooftop before.
She was really trying to open up and considering how brave it was after everything she had been through Raphael couldn't help but reach out back “I can sleep here if it makes ya feel better” she blushed again at that and Raphael swears his mind was about to blow up.
I really hope I didn't make it sounds weird.
“Or I could go..”
“Nono! That's okay...” she started blabbing before leaving the cushion and put it under Raphael’s head making him shift “I just... Don't want to hit you during the night..” yeah, nightmares.
“Ya can punch me if you want, I don't mind” he actually think to deserve it. Remembering what Shini said a few hours earlier, he spoke again before his sister “We won't think less of ya just cause you're taking medicines, ya know that… Right?”
Lee closed his mouth, of course she knew it. One of the biggest problems had always been that little voice in her head that if not silenced tended to win.
She needed to go on for at least a year and she wasn't really proud or excited about the idea.
Lee suddenly raised up and started to look away so Raphael also rose, a little worried. He wasn't really sure how he was supposed to convince her to take the meds but if it was about giving her the possibility to choose and have control over the situation then "We just want ya to get better… Can ya still be fearless for a little on this?” he asked with a little smile when she suddenly turned her face to look at him surprised.
"We weren't able to take care of ya before so... Please, just take care of yourself and let us be there for ya"
Before he could continue she turned around and started messing with the drawer next to the bedside table, Raphael saw her took a box from which she took out three pills and swallowed them, turning slightly to the side, as if not to be seen too much. The she layed down again but didn’t opened her mouth until she saw her brother lie down too “Hadn't taken pills for days... I've felt better knowing I was coming back, but I’ll take it tomorrow” she said as she stretched out to retrieve the blankets and fix them first on her brother and then on herself “Let’s sleep now, the sleeping pills will kick in soon”
When she looked up and meet her brother's green eyes she also meet a worried face, as if he didn't really believe what she was saying. Raphael already looked at her like that some times, it always made her feel a little uncomfortable, especially when she spoke for real and was serious but for some reason they found it a little hard to believe.
Perhaps because she had never really taken care of herself “I’ll do it Raph, I promise”
And she really meant it, Raphael saw it in her eyes.
Gently so as not to scare her, he brought hands around her face, caressing cheeks before bringing her closer and resting the forehead against hers.
“I’m sorry Lee..”
“I know”
He wasn't really sure to be able to look at her normally and without showing pain, she couldn't stand to be looked like she was broken so he just kept his eyes close without saying a thing for a while.
Lee had to keep a hiccup at seeing her little brother like that, slowly touching his wrist she started to caress, trying to give a little bit of comfort. She hated seeing Raphael like that.
She hated causing him to be like that.
Slowly she freed himself from the grip on her face and hugged the little brother, hiding her head right under his chin and rubbing face against the plastron. Lee forced all her self-control and tried not to tense up and get agitated when felt Raphael clinging with all his strength to her.
One arm wrapped tightly around the shell and the other wrapped around the shoulders, holding her as if she might disappear at any moment.
She had no time for panicking. Her brother needed her.
“You need rest, Raphie... Please”
So he cried since words failed him, for the first time in months, letting the frustrations win. For the sister he let down and the guilty of knowing she already forgave him.