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It’s still dark when he opens his eyes. I thought I left my curtains open, why-
Haitham must have closed them for me. A year earlier and he would’ve been furious. Alhaitham in his room, touching his things without permission? Preposterous!
Now, he can’t hold back a thankful smile. He hasn’t been sleeping well lately. He’d accidentally, or in his words, generously accepted a few clients over his capacity. He’d finished the last blueprint yesterday, face-planting into their divan after coming home from meeting with his client.
Did... Haitham carry me here? He hides his face in his pillow, silently screaming into it. He couldn’t have... I probably sleepwalked here. Yeah, I just don’t remember! I must have walked here myself! He knows he shouldn't get his hopes up.
But what if- Kaveh sneezes into his elbow, another two sneezes following soon after. Why does my chest hurt? And my throat too? He rubs his neck. I better not be getting sick. Kaveh groans, shuffling over to his closet.
‘Kaveh. I made breakfast.’
It’s a rare day off for them both. Kaveh thinks Alhaitham tried to match their vacation days, but again, he doesn’t want to get his hopes up.
He slips on his shirt, groaning as the pain spreads. He thumps his chest, coughing lightly into his other hand.
Something falls to the ground. It takes him a second to realize that something had come out of his mouth. That something was nearly glowing- an unpolished emerald- he chokes on the next one, catching it in his mouth. He rolls his tongue over it, the smooth shape almost making him think he accidentally swallowed some of his own jewelry. Shit.
‘Kaveh, are you still sleeping?’
‘I-’ He clears his throat, catching a few more gems in his hand. ‘I’m awake!’ He glares down at them, willing them to disappear.
‘Breakfast is ready.’
‘I’ll be there in a minute!’ He throws the emeralds into his jewelry box, camouflaging them amongst his earrings.
~~~~~~~~~~
Kaveh can tell Alhaitham knows something is wrong. He always knows. For all that they fight and bicker, they’re strangely hyper aware of each other, like they’re afraid of causing another fallout. They’ve come very close several times. It's usually Kaveh who caves first, making the house spotless before Alhaitham comes home from work. Alhaitham silently accepts his apology by helping him with dinner. Kaveh can’t help but admit that cooking with Alhaitham is rather soothing. It’s the closest I’ve gotten to holding his hand-
‘Kaveh.’
He’s snapped out of his thoughts, watching Alhaitham’s thin fingers glide through the air.
“You’ve barely touched your food.”
Kaveh glances at Alhaitham’s plate. While he was lost in his thoughts, Alhaitham had finished eating. He looks down at his barely touched plate and holds back a scowl.
Alhaitham’s grunt makes him look back up.
“Is it too spicy?”
Kaveh shakes his head.
“Too salty then?”
Kaveh waves his hand. “Just not that hungry. I thought I could take the day off, but I forgot I have a lecture coming up in a few days. I should start preparing for it.”
Alhaitham’s shoulders slump. “I thought we could go shopping?”
“Together is implied, but never used. Kaveh sucks in a breath. “Maybe next time.”
The subtle happiness surrounding Alhaitham fades at Kaveh’s dismissive wave. This is for the best. Kaveh convinces himself, ignoring the growing pain in his chest.
~~~~~~~~~~
The book in his hands is nearly falling apart, the tattered pages barely held together by the glue he uses for his architecture models. It’s an old romance novel he’d secretly bought when he was younger, the cliche plot and happy ending very different from what he usually reads. Even the cover is a faded pink, the title written in fancy script.
He opens the book to his favorite passage, mouthing the words along the page-
“The gems are a symbol of her love. No matter if her love is returned, it’s beautiful all the same. There’s nothing wrong with falling in love.”
He feels validated by those words as he glances at the emeralds that have rolled to the corner of his jewelry box. Their number had slowly increased until a small pile had formed. I’m too scared to touch them. He’s reminded of his Akademiya days when he had to hide them in his pocket until he could run home to throw them in a jar.
~~~~~~~~~~
He’s been avoiding Alhaitham. He’d tried to be subtle at first, but it’s getting increasingly harder as the sleepless nights blur past each other.
There’s a gentle tap on his shoulder. He turns around and nearly faceplants into Alhaitham’s chest.
‘You need to sleep.’
Kaveh opens his mouth to reply, but notices Alhaitham doesn’t have his headphones on. He knows the other can read lips, but it feels disingenuous to speak while the younger signs. He always feels more connected when they sign with each other, especially since he knows Alhaitham feels more comfortable communicating in Sign.
“I still need to finish my proje-”
“You need to rest.” Alhaitham gently grabs his wrists, smoothing his fingers up and down his arms. Kaveh can feel his eyes fluttering closed. He feels a soft touch on his back, guiding him to his room. The warmth never leaves him, spreading across his back and over his waist. He sleeps the best he’s slept in years.
~~~~~~~~~~
“Love can hurt. Love can cause more suffering than joy. Love is not equal. Love knows no boundaries.”
He finds solace in those words, reminiscing about the days he wished to fall in love, when he was waiting for his soulmate to whisk him off his feet and carry him into the sunset. He realized very quickly that it wasn’t so easy.
He’d fallen in love slowly, like a plant had taken root inside his chest, its vines steadily growing until his whole body was wrapped in a vice grip.
Every unbridled smile, every shared touch, made more vines grow inside his chest. The leaves were compressed into tiny gems, or that’s what he’d convinced himself to believe when he had no name for his illness.
He still has no name for his illness. It was so rare that it had no name, and as such has no cure. The illness was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing, because it meant you’d met your soulmate. A curse, because you’d spend eternity coughing up gems until you confirmed your feelings.
I didn’t think I’d live long, anyways.
‘Kaveh, have you seen my book?’
He sighs. Alhaitham had started a new game, where they always ended in a raging debate over who was to blame. The younger would accuse him of hiding his book, while Kaveh argued that he was trying to clean up after the messy scribe. Alhaitham would continue to push his buttons until Kaveh stormed off with a frustrated yell. Why do I always fall for his tricks?
Because I care. I care so much.
‘Kaveh-’
‘I don’t know!’
‘You- what?’
‘I don’t know! Find it yourself!’ He’s too tired for his games.
~~~~~~~~~~
It hurts. Kaveh tries to clear his throat. It hurts so bad. It feels like someone rubbed sandpaper over his throat, the frigid air making the pain worse.
How do people deal with this? He remembers a few Amurta students gossiping when he’d been roped into studying first aid at the Bimarstan...
He’s been in love with him for five years-
He’s too afraid to confess-
His condition is getting worse-
He didn’t make it.
The chilling words had caused a shiver to go down his spine. Now, almost ten years later, he feels his breathing stutter, occasionally catching on shimmering green gemstones that leave more scratches along his throat.
How did I deal with this? Alhaitham had been his first crush. My first and only love. The emeralds he spits into his hand are nothing new. He just thought he’d gotten over his crush, especially after their horrible fall-out.
He rolls the gems around on his palm, watching them glimmer in the candlelight. If I sold them-
No. He can’t do that to himself. He can’t do that to Alhaitham- He can’t bear the thought of something so important to him- a symbol of my love- being used for material gain.
Alhaitham would scold me for being too emotional. He rolls his eyes, setting the emeralds on his desk while searching for the box hidden under a pile of books.
When he finds it, he carefully dusts it off, covering his nose to prevent another sneeze. It takes a few strong tugs to get the lid off, but when it does, he can’t help his surprise at the contents.
He’d forgotten how many jars he’d filled. Ten- No, twelve? All filled to the brim with bluish green gemstones. He marvels at the range of colors, some a closer match with his dendro vision, while others closely matched the feather tucked in his hair, and his favorites-
His cheeks bloom pink as he cradles the heavy jar in his hands. These ones match his eyes. It had taken him half a day to sort through his collection, a day filled with thoughts of self-doubt and longing, the day when he’d almost given up and sold the eleven other jars.
He stares at the emeralds lying on his desk. They’re getting bigger. The thought should scare him. But for some reason, it’s reassuring. Not because he’s still in love with Alhaitham, no. It’s reassuring because no matter how much has changed, how broken he’s become, he still has the capacity to love. He’s still in love, so deeply in love, the gems have been growing for almost ten years. And meeting Alhaitham again, eating breakfast with him, having petty debates, had reminded him of his crush, his first love, a love that would never be reciprocated.
What am I, a pressure cooker for emeralds? He scoffs, the action triggering another coughing fit. He doubles over his chair, desperately gasping for air.
It takes another few minutes for his coughs to calm down and he sighs at the thought of having to sort through his new pile of gems.
‘Kaveh?’
The soft call makes him nearly hit his head on his desk, hastily putting back the jar and scooping the loose emeralds into his pocket. He closes the box and covers it with a pile of papers, just in time for Alhaitham to stride in.
‘Are you...’
Kaveh follows his gaze, panicking at the specks of red covering his desk. He wipes around his mouth, his sleeve also coming back with red streaks.
‘I’m taking you to the Bimarstan-’
Kaveh shakes off his hand, or tries to, but Alhaitham’s grip is too strong. He somehow manages to not be dragged out of his own room, using his free hand to sign furiously-
“Let go! It hurts!”
Alhaitham let’s go immediately, his eyes trailing over the pinkish outline where his fingers were curled around Kaveh’s wrist.
“I’m fine.”
Alhaitham narrows his eyes, looking far from convinced. ‘If you are fine, then why can’t you talk?’
Kaveh rolls his eyes. “I lost my voice.”
Alhaitham’s gaze flickers again to Kaveh’s desk. ‘If you are sick-’
“I already got it checked by Tighnari. It’s just the flu.” He feels guilty for lying, but it’s infinitely better than whatever diagnosis the doctors at the Bimarstan would come up with. Not to mention the gossip. He can already see the next day’s bulletin headline, *The Light of Kshahrewar, taken down by a fruitless love?*
“Does he know you’re...”
Kaveh knows the younger must be more anxious than he shows if he’s switching to sign.
“Yeah. He said I also had an allergic reaction to something I ate, so I might be coughing and sneezing for a few days or so.” He’s rambling now.
“What are you allergic to?”
Kaveh goes through everything he ate the day before, trying to come up with a convincing excuse. He shrugs when he can’t think of one.
“I’m fine,” he repeats, motioning toward the door. “So get out before you catch this too.”
“Those statements contradict each other.” Alhaitham refuses to budge. “You have the flu, but you’re fine? Since when does recovery come easy for you?”
Kaveh’s eyes widen. He never expected Alhaitham to remember how difficult it was for him when he got sick. He was either healthy, sleep-deprived, or bedridden, and nothing in between.
“Have you eaten anything today?”
Kaveh hesitates, before shaking his head. He cringes at the thought of having to force anything down his inflamed throat.
“What about tea? Did you take any medicine?”
He shakes his head again.
“I know your throat hurts, but you should take some medicine. Did Tighnari give you any?”
Kaveh’s brain is starting to hurt from having to keep up with his own lies.
Alhaitham lets out a long breath. “I’ll make some tea.”
The door closes softly behind him.
Kaveh’s hands are shaking. One of them slides into his pocket, fumbling with the misshapen rocks inside. I can’t stay here. Panic turns to fear as he realizes what would happen if Alhaitham found out the truth. If he hasn’t found out already.
No one wants a dying roommate. A useless leeching freeloader, an emotional burden-
He grabs Mehrak and rushes outside, ignoring Alhaitham’s yell as he runs out the front door, past the Akademiya, past everything he’s ever known in his life.
It’s getting hard to breathe. He isn’t sure if it’s an oncoming panic attack or the constant coughing fits, or both. Mehrak beeps warningly as they get closer to the desert, the billowing sand catching in his throat.
Fuck. Tears stream down his face as he leans against a tree stump, dark green gemstones falling from his lips. Their red coating makes them look almost sinister, but they’re immediately buried under the sand.
No no no- Kaveh falls to his knees, digging with his bare hands. He doesn’t know why he’s digging. Somewhere in his muddled mind he knows it’s important-
‘Kaveh.’
He keeps digging.
‘Kaveh!’
Sand gets stuck under his fingernails.
Another hand joins him. Then another. Kaveh grabs the extra hand and pulls it in front of himself, palm up. He uses it to display his findings, the hand curling in as each emerald is added to the pile.
His search continues until something tugs on his wrist, making him mirror the outstretched hand in front of them.
He can feel something being signed against his palm. He’s too out of it to understand. I need to find the rest of my gems! I need to find all of-
“My sunlight. The light of my life. Please come back to me.”
He recognizes his sign name, the familiar feeling of Alhaitham’s fingers twirling then opening in his hand making his eyes water.
Before their fallout, Alhaitham had a habit of tracing his sign name against his shoulder or forehead, teasing him about how it looked so similar to the sign for “crazy.” Whenever Kaveh pouted, Alhaitham would switch to his nickname, his movements becoming more fond than teasing.
He’d missed this. He’d missed this so much.
“I’m here.” Kaveh finally signs back. “I’m right here.” The second time is more to ground himself. His hands are still shaking, but Alhaitham has switched to rubbing warmth into his fingertips.
‘I’m sorry.’
Kaveh looks up and meets a teary gaze. Is he crying? He’s never seen Alhaitham cry.
‘Why?’ He winces at the roughness of his voice.
‘I-’ Alhaitham chokes on his words, coughing into his shoulder. ‘I-’ The next cough is harsher, a shimmer of red falling from his mouth.
‘Haitham!’ Kaveh instinctively moves closer to support his shoulders, watching more red gemstones join the pile of green in the younger’s palm.
‘You...’ Kaveh doesn’t know what to say. He’s almost afraid to ask.
“It’s you,” Alhaitham signs, adding his nickname to the end. “It’s always been you.”
Fear bursts through his chest. He’s not afraid of Alhaitham. He’s afraid of what he could do to Alhaitham, how he might disappoint him or hurt him or-
He’s running again. His lungs are burning, his calves also aflame. Don’t be fooled Kaveh, this isn’t a dream. There’s no happily-ever-after for you. You don’t deserve-
Something wraps around his body, trapping his head against a muscular chest. There’s a rapid beat against his ear, an arrhythmic rise and fall as air stutters into the younger’s lungs. Kaveh tries to match the other’s breaths, but he’s too high-strung. He’s overwhelmed by the smell of burnt sage, the tight yet loving embrace, the soft kisses along his forehead-
‘I love you.’
He gasps. His breaths flow easier now, his throat still hurts but the urge to cough is gone.
‘I love-’ Alhaitham’s arms tighten around him as harsh coughs rattle his body. It’s Kaveh’s turn to ground him until the coughing fit subsides.
‘Haitham.’ It takes a few nudges for Alhaitham to loosen his hold enough for Kaveh to slide his hands between them. Guilt sparks within his chest before determination takes over. He holds Alhaitham’s gaze, smiling softly. “My moonlight. The moon to my sun. The stars in my sky.” He relishes in the blush along Alhaitham’s cheeks.
“I love you too. I’ve always loved you.”
“Really?” Alhaitham’s brows furrow. “You’re not just saying that to-”
Kaveh stops him with a kiss to the cheek. “I thought I was the insecure one?”
Alhaitham’s blush blooms brighter, “Do that again.”
“Again?”
“Kiss me. Properly this time.”
“Maybe if you ask nice-”
It’s his turn to be interrupted, Alhaitham’s soft lips meeting him in the middle.
~~~~~~~~~~
Extra:
‘I’m surprised you never sold them,’ Tighnari mutters, pondering over the cards in his hands. 'Or did you?'
Kaveh doesn’t miss the way Alhaitham tenses in his seat. ‘Did you ?’ He deflects the question to Alhaitham, watching the younger blink offendedly.
‘Why would I?’ Alhaitham flicks the edges of his cards.
‘So you never sold any? Not even when you were starving?’ Cyno returns the question to Kaveh, subtly returning Alhaitham’s nod of thanks.
‘Nope. I kept them all in jars.’
‘And you still have them? All of them?’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ Kaveh grins as he pulls two food cards. I can finally revive Nahida! He looks up to meet Alhaitham’s smirk.
“Will you show me them?”
Kaveh can tell it’s more a request than a demand. “I’ll consider it if you win against Cyno.”
Alhaitham has only won once against the general, and that was because Cyno had made a huge mistake. He seems to forget this as he glances between his cards and his last man standing. Of course it’s his own character card. Kaveh laughs fondly. He’s excited to see how Alhaitham will come back from this one.
~~~~~~~~~~
“You promised.” Strong arms sneak around his waist, pulling him against a toned chest. Kaveh gasps as Alhaitham nibbles along his ear, leaning into the hand cupping his cheek.
‘I know you guys just got together, but can you save that for when you’re alone?’ Tighnari sighs, cleaning up his card deck. He doesn’t want to leave just yet. Consoling a sulking Cyno is never fun on his own.
“I know, I know, I’ll show you later.”
Alhaitham replies with a kiss to his jaw.
Kaveh still hasn’t gotten used to public displays of affection. He’d thought Alhaitham would be more reserved, but the moment they started dating, the younger seemed to forget what personal space is. Maybe because he had to hold back for so long? Or because he’s overprotective?
“Before that, I... have something for you.”
Kaveh turns around to meet Alhaitham’s gaze. Alhaitham lets his arms drop, one of his hands rummaging through his pockets. He’s uncharacteristically nervous as he seems to find what he wants.
“My moonlight, what’s-”
‘Will you marry me?’
Alhaitham is knelt down on one knee, a simple jewelry box in his hands. Kaveh’s gaze falls on the golden band inside, two carmine gems beautifully shaped to form a crescent moon and sun. He can see the intended spaces for where he can add his emeralds.
He smiles through his tears, joining Alhaitham on the floor. He pulls out a matching box from his pocket, revealing a golden band with two emeralds shaped into a crescent moon and sun. ‘Will you marry me?’
Alhaitham smirks. ‘I asked first.’
‘I asked second!’
“I asked before you.” Alhaitham signs with one hand. Kaveh smiles as he recognizes the shorthand, smile widening at the heart added after “you.”
“You’re younger than me!”
“Since when has seniority mattered between-”
‘Come on, just kiss already!’
Alhaitham ignores their friends’ ruffled expressions, taking his sweet time to slide the ruby ring onto Kaveh’s left hand. Kaveh can barely see through his tears as Alhaitham helps him slide the matching emerald ring onto the younger’s left hand. Their eyes meet briefly before they melt against each other, Alhaitham’s hands burying themselves in Kaveh’s hair. Their kiss is much gentler than their previous argument.
‘You better invite us to your wedding.’
‘I'll help with catering!’
‘Hey, that’s my job!’
Kaveh smiles into their kiss, pulling back a bit to chuckle, ‘you’re both invited. And any help would be greatly appreciated.’
He meets Alhaitham’s gaze. Is that okay?
Alhaitham leans in to kiss him again, seemingly agreeing with his suggestion. Kaveh hums as Alhaitham’s lips glide over his cheeks, moving past his lips to suck on his neck. ‘Ah-’
‘We’re leaving! Let us know when you’re ready to plan your wedding!’
‘At this rate, they’re gonna have their honeymoon fir-’
‘Yeah, nope! Thanks for having us!’
The door slams shut behind them.
‘Haitham, that was-!’
Alhaitham nudges his arm, nodding toward Kaveh’s room.
“Really? Now?"
He feels Alhaitham nod against his shoulder. Sighing fondly, he grabs the scribe's hand and leads him to his room. He waves his hand before Alhaitham can complain about the mess of his desk, quickly pulling out the heavy box. He takes a deep breath, then lifts the lid.
He’s not sure what reaction he expected from his soulmate. Surprise, or maybe sympathy?
Not guilt. Alhaitham’s gaze is watery when their eyes meet.
Kaveh lowers his head, picking up the jar in the middle. ‘These ones are my favorite. I used two of them for your ring,’ he offers it to Alhaitham.
‘Why...’
Why didn’t you sell them?
Why did you keep them all?
Why are there so many?
He can hear the cogs turning in Alhaitham’s head. He waits until Alhaitham receives the jar to answer, “I thought you kept yours too?”
“I did.” Alhaitham lifts the gems closer to his face, studying the contents.
They match his eyes perfectly. Kaveh gets distracted by Alhaitham’s glowing gaze.
“My sunlight? ” Alhaitham waves his hand in front of Kaveh’s face. “Are you hungry? Your stomach is growling.”
Kaveh hums, blinking slowly.
Alhaitham cups his cheek, setting the jar down. “You didn’t answer my question.”
“I- Sorry, what was your question?” Kaveh covers his stomach, hoping Alhaitham didn’t hear its low growl.
Alhaitham smirks. “I’ll heat up the leftovers.”
“That wasn't a question!” Kaveh huffs, “I want to see your collection!”
“After dinner,” Alhaitham compromises, “I promise.”
“Pinky promise?” Kaveh holds up his left pinky.
Alhaitham scoffs, but wraps his pinky around Kaveh’s, lifting his hand to kiss his ring. ‘I love you.’
‘You-!’ Kaveh pulls his hand away, smacking Alhaitham’s shoulder. ‘You can’t just say that!’ He escapes to the kitchen, fumbling with their leftovers.
A familiar heat covers his back, two hands flying into his field of vision. “I love you.”
Warmth bursts inside him. He settles comfortably into Alhaitham’s embrace, smiling when soft lips tickle his neck.
“I love you too.”
Maybe he can get his fairytale ending after all.