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“Lister, why the smeg are you like this?”
Lister groaned as he looked up to see his smeghead of a bunkmate stroll through the door.
“What is it this time?”
“Everything! It’s everything!” Rimmer huffed, crossing his arms.
Lister let out an exasperated sigh, rubbing his temples as Rimmer began to prattle on about all of Lister’s annoying little habits, his voice grating on his nerves like nails on a chalkboard. For years, he had endured Rimmer's relentless pontification and holier-than-thou attitude, but today, it seemed unbearable. Lister couldn’t even count the amount of times he’d had to listen to this exact same speech from Rimmer on the way everything he did was somehow incorrect and an imposition on Rimmer’s existence. Rimmer only tended to give this lecture when he was in one of his moods.
As Rimmer rambled on about… who knows what, Lister's mind wandered, contemplating ways to silence the hologram. He really wasn’t in the mood to deal with this lecture right now. Suddenly, a mischievous idea sparked in his mind. What if...? No, no, that seemed like a horrible idea… yet it was still creeping towards the forefront of Lister’s mind. Either this could work like a charm or end up with Lister receiving a slap to the face.
Smeg it all, he was prepared to take that risk.
With a smirk, Lister leaned forward, interrupting Rimmer mid-sentence. "Hey, Rimmer, you know what?" he said, his tone conspiratorial.
Rimmer paused, scrunching up his nose, clearly irritated at being interrupted. "What is it?"
In a matter of seconds, Lister stood up where he was sitting at the bunkroom table, walked around to Rimmer, and planted a brisk kiss on Rimmer’s lips.
Instantly, Rimmer fell silent, his mouth gaping like a fish. Lister pulled away and stood in front of Rimmer, triumphant. Rimmer just stared at Lister, eyes wide, his cheeks flushing a bright shade of red.
“I- Um-” Rimmer floundered, clearly having lost his train of thought.
Lister giggled at Rimmer’s shocked expression, a soft smirk playing on his lips. "Well, what do you know? It worked!"
For a moment, Rimmer remained speechless, his eyes wide with disbelief. Then, slowly, a sheepish smile tugged at the corners of his lips. "I... suppose it did," he admitted, his voice unusually soft.
Lister raised an eyebrow at this unexpected softness. He had expected Rimmer to either storm out or start yelling, not whatever this was. Fortunately, Lister did get his wish, because about 5 seconds later, Rimmer seemed to realize what he had just said and sprinted out of the bunkroom like a jackrabbit.
From that moment on, Lister now had this new trick in his pocket. Whenever Rimmer's incessant prattling grew too much for Lister to bear, he would simply lean in and press a kiss to the hologram's lips. And every time, like clockwork, Rimmer would fall silent and smile stupidly, stand there for a minute, and then run off.
He decided to be nice to Rimmer and only ever use this method when it was just the two of them; he knew how tetchy Rimmer could be when it came to things like this. Lister was just happy with his newfound power to silence Rimmer with a mere kiss.
Unfortunately, as days turned into weeks, he began to notice a troubling pattern. Rimmer's behavior grew increasingly obnoxious and irritating when they were alone, as if he were intentionally provoking Lister's ire.
After dealing with this for about a week, Lister was finally fed up with it. Rimmer was always annoying, but this was just too much. As Rimmer waltzed into their bunkroom, clearly about to start prattling on, Lister spoke first.
"What's gotten into you, Rimmer?" he demanded, his voice tinged with irritation. "You've been acting like a right git lately."
Rimmer stopped in place and blinked owlishly. “What?”
“You know what I’m saying, Rimmer. Everytime we’re alone you just keep acting like a smeghead. More than normal.”
The hologram shifted uncomfortably, avoiding Lister's gaze. "I... I don't know what you mean, Lister. I've just been myself, as always."
But Lister wasn't buying it. "Cut the crap, Rimmer. You've been pushing my buttons on purpose, haven't you?"
Rimmer opened his mouth as if to speak, but seemingly decided against it. Instead, he just balled up his hands into fists and began to rock on his heels. Lister at least counted it as a win that Rimmer hadn’t run off by now.
“Cmon Rimsy, can we just talk about this?” Lister spoke softer this time, changing his tactics. “I won’t be mad no matter what you say. Promise.”
Finally, Rimmer cracked, his facade crumbling like a house of cards. "Fine, you caught me," he confessed, his voice small. His gaze was firmly focused on the floor. "I... I liked the kisses, okay? I liked them a lot.”
Lister blinked in surprise, taken aback by Rimmer's unexpected admission. "You what?" Out of all the possible outcomes of this conversation, he had not seen this one coming. Not at all.
Rimmer sighed, his shoulders slumping in defeat. "I liked the affection, Lister. I liked feeling... wanted, even if it was just for a moment."
Suddenly, everything clicked into place. Although Lister hadn’t meant for this to happen, this wasn’t exactly a bad development. It showed that Rimmer was finally opening up.
Lister began to slowly walk over to Rimmer, who didn’t seem to notice him approaching. As he got closer, he could see Rimmer’s eyes glistening with unshed tears. Lister knew that with one wrong move, Rimmer would bolt again. He had to be delicate. “Hey man, it’s alright.”
“It’s ridiculous Lister. It’s stupid and selfish and… I’m sorry.” Rimmer said, his voice cracking on ‘sorry.’
With a soft chuckle, Lister reached out, gently cupping Rimmer's cheek in his hand and lifting Rimmer’s head up to look him in the eyes. "You don't have to be sorry and you don’t have to be a smeghead to get affection, Rimmer," he said, his voice tender. "You just have to ask."
Rimmer's eyes widened in surprise, clearly not expecting his response. The way Lister was looking at him with the stupid fond look in his eyes was making it very difficult for Rimmer to contain his tears.
“Can I?” He asked softly. Lister gave him a reassuring smile and nodded. Slowly, hesitantly, Rimmer leaned forward, pressing his lips against Lister's in a tentative kiss.
Rimmer brought his arms up, resting his hands on Lister’s shoulders. Lister could sense how scared Rimmer was, how afraid he was that this was all a joke, but Lister brought his arms up to pull Rimmer into an embrace, assuring him that this was real.
As they pulled away, a soft smile played on Lister's lips. "See, Rimmer? Was that so hard?"
Rimmer's cheeks flushed a deep shade of crimson, but this time, it wasn't from embarrassment. It was from something far more precious – the warmth of genuine affection. Tears began to fall from his eyes and Lister brought up a hand to wipe them away.
Lister knew that no matter how many kisses it took, he would always be there to silence Rimmer's doubts and fill his heart with love. After all, in the vast expanse of space, there was no greater bond than that between a smeghead and his hologram.