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Why the fuck did I thought of that? Is this his influence corrupting my brain?
After putting on a protective globe of light to protect the ship from any monsters of the void, Kaz quickly and swiftly walks back in his chambers. He cannot believe he has that weird feeling after seeing Nikolai get on his knees and say please. A groan slips out of Kaz’s gritting teeth.
The door suddenly opens, its creaks come along with the sound of an annoyingly familiar pair of boots.
Unbeknownst to Kaz’s own void, Nikolai walks with the biggest brightest smile. With arms raised in a gleeful manner, he says, “That is an amazing light show!”
Kaz closes his eyes, taking deep breaths in and out. “Happy you got your light show?” He asks spitefully. Then he sharply turns around, only catching how the light on Nikolai’s face gets clouded. For a sun summoner, Kaz sure does bring a dark cloud more than sun rays.
Nikolai knew better than to let his inner child get the best of him on some occasions. Some people may not emphatize with you embracing the things you missed in your childhood. He knows that Kaz and him came from very different backgrounds, so he can see that he should not push his sunshine too much on Kaz’s reserved walls.
He retracted his arms down, cleared his throat, then composed himself like how he composed himself at the palace so as not to embarrass his father. “Apologies. I…I didn’t—I just haven’t seen anything…a miracle like that.”
Kaz chuckles, not in a friendly way but there is something genuine in a good way there. “You don’t sneak out at night to go see the carnival before you decide to have a life at the sea?”
“Well, as a trouble maker as I proudly am, I’m not yet brave enough to gamble everything for a night’s freedom then.”
There is truly something about Nikolai’s grins, smiles, and smirks. Kaz should not be thinking about how those charges have a different reaction in him now. Subtly swallowing hard, Kaz turns his body to fully face Nikolai.
“Yeah? And now you’re gambling your life, your ship, and your country for me. Are you implying that you are brave now to gamble such with my words to be the only assurance?”
Nikolai wets his lower lip. “You are trouble personified, Kaz Brekker, but you’re a man that honors his deals especially when there’s a large sum of money on the table.” He smirks; a dangerously daring and serious smirk. “You will not break the deal when your friends’ lives are also on the table, as well as your freedom from our common enemy.”
Kaz replies with a single hum before he notices that someone else is in the room.
He is standing on the corner, listening while maintaining a neutral expression. He stares back at Kaz’s unreadable eyes. Although unreadable, he still finds himself wanting to stare, to drown in those orbs of darkness that hold the light that can destroy him. It is like they say, “Love and pain are companions, neither can exist without the other.”
“Our common enemy,” Aleksander repeats, taking a step forward on each word. “Since when did you and him become ‘our’?”
There are clear traces of hurt in Aleksander’s voice that Kaz wants to ignore, but, instead, his heart throbs.
“Everything is about money with you, huh?”
Nikolai’s question startles Kaz back into the physical reality. He tries to play it cool. “What?”
Nikolai huffs then walks straight forward to the last step before he gets in Kaz’s space. And the room suddenly became too small for two [or three] people to be in.
“If I will count as your biggest investment—“
“What are you on about?” The word ‘investment’ alone triggers Kaz to cut Nikolai off.
While holding Nikolai’s stern stare, he keeps his other senses on guard for any other movement from The Darkling.
“I’m just reminding you that we’re following a script. I’m your pseudo fiancé until we get this done, so at least treat me like such, or at least,” Nikolai pauses, his expression suddenly softening, as well as his voice, “another living being.”
Kaz’s mouth falls a bit open in surprise. He thinks that Nikolai might either be playing games, pulling a prank, or willingly pulling off his mask for him. He can spot a mistake across five tables, and right now, Nikolai is betting on the wrong card.
“I will perform my part my way,” Kaz replies sternly. “You should perform—“
“My part on your terms.” Nikolai finishes his sentence. “Saints, Kaz,” he breathes out. “How could you not see it?”
“See what?”
“That I have lost in your game!”
Things begin to appear clear—this is actually happening, and Kaz is not emotionally or mentally and physically well rested to deal with this.
Lowering his face, Kaz speaks as quietly as possible, “He’s here with us.” He lifts his face again, seeing the reply in Nikolai’s eyes.
Great. This is great. So he is only like that for show. Nothing here is real. Hope so. Wait. Us? Since when has there been an us?
“He has lost in your game?” The Darkling speaks again, voice colder than ice. Kaz’s eyes falling to his direction again brings warmth in that cold barren place. Then a grin appears on his lips. “You’ve made the little wolf fall for you.” He lifts his palms to applaud. “Well done.”
Kaz raises an eyebrow at him. “What makes you think that wasn’t my plan from the very beginning?”
A wolf and a shadow mirrors the same reaction; confused eyebrows and head tilting a bit to the left. If this is a gamble, Kaz controls the table as always, and he will win even if he is not playing. He grabs on the edge of Nikolai’s sleeve, making sure the small gesture is noticeable for two—for two different reasons.
He moves his eyes to meet Nikolai’s confused but following eyes.
“Do you think I will believe you let yourself lose to me?” He lets out a sarcastic but genuinely delighted chuckle. He shakes his head. “And who said the game has ended? That’s just a round, now onto the next.”
That tone is enough for Nikolai to sense that there is a scheme going on.
“Kaz,” he whispers, about to speak but pauses, rethinking. He is just about to speak but Kaz, clearly, is in control handing out the cards on the table.
“Nikolai,” is all that Kaz says before The Darkling speaks up to intervene.
“This is a cruel trick to perform, Kaz. I never thought you would take after that habit of mine.”
Kaz rolls his eyes. “You always find a way to make everything about you,” he snarks back in the direction over Nikolai’s shoulder. “Take after this habit of yours? You mean playing the person you’re interested with like some favorite toy of the month? I’m not like you.”
“Prove it.”
While Kaz is smirking back at The Darkling’s amused smirk, Nikolai is feeling his cheeks turn red and his heart throb like drums.
“Kaz,” Nikolai attempts to call Kaz back in the reality of the room, but that endeavour is wholly dependent on the crow and the vulture.
“Why are you here?” Kaz asks it to The Darkling but his hand tugs on Nikolai’s sleeve.
“To…To talk to you,” Nikolai answers.
“You know why.” The Darkling cocks his chin at Nikolai. “Make him leave, or you can make him watch you talk to your lover that only you can see.”
Undeniably, Kaz’s body betrays him in terms of reaching in a way he does not like as it exposes him. Way too much for his liking.
In a classic Kaz Brekker fashion, he lit a candle on a table filled with books and stacks of papers.
He changes his expression in a more human-like emotion that is akin to pushing one of the curtains aside. His eyes are soft, his mouth is slack in an apologetic and exhausted frown.
“You’re right,” he says whilst turning his gaze back at Nikolai, “if we were to play a bit, I might as well make my part believable. Give me your hand.”
Hesitant, Nikolai still gives his hand to Kaz’s gloved left hand. Kaz looks at Nikolai's hand as he thinks this deeply. This is a gamble for him too.
The Darkling watches intently, not gathering where Kaz is leading him and Nikolai onto. Regardless, there is that simmering feeling in him since the moment Nikolai somewhat confesses his true feelings towards his sun summoner, his lover, his Kaz Brekker.
After Kaz opens his eyes again with a fixed decision, Kaz asks the question that startles everyone in the room.
“Can I take off your glove?” He added a little fanfare of lifting his gaze then fluttering his eyelashes.
Knowing that he will stutter, Nikolai nods. With that, Kaz gently, also intimately, tugs each end of the fingers, then pulls the whole glove off of Nikolai’s hand. Kaz passes the glove to his other hand that was tugging on Nikolai’s left sleeve. He rests his left hand on Nikolai's now-bare hand.
“You are aware of my aversion to touch, correct?”
The Darkling’s eyes widen, understanding now what kind of fire Kaz is stoking.
“Yes,” Nikolai answers.
“Hm. We need to sell our act so to make it convincing, perhaps I should…I should be comfortable physically touching you.”
“Oh,” Nikolai reacts.
“You’re letting him touch you,” The Darkling speaks, more so as a statement than a question. “Are you sure you will not break when someone else other than me touches your skin?”
“Don’t worry, you will not break me,” Kaz says to Nikolai as a reassurance but as a ruse to The Darkling’s question. It is a ruse because The Darkling is not physically there therefore cannot touch Kaz or anyone. Hopefully that will be the case.
Kaz is well aware that The Darkling is projecting his fear and jealousy and possessiveness, which may be his intention since The Darkling decided to appear on this moment. Or if Nikolai wasn’t here, but Nikolai’s presence is reassuring for Kaz in some way.
“I believe I am more afraid that if I touch you, you will break me,” Nikolai humours nervously.
Kaz reciprocates the sentiment. He gives a smile that is encouraging for Nikolai, testing for the other presence in the room. What he is about to say, he knows will bring different kinds of emotional damage to the two.
“I have to learn to trust you,” he says with a soft gaze and a centimetre step forward, “so that I will learn to be comfortable with you. Isn’t that what lovers do?”
Nikolai’s breath hitches. The Darkling’s cold expression breaks into a vulnerable face. Kaz glimpses at that shift, and he can feel his throat suddenly closing.
He sees shock, confusion, and pain.
No! I have to do this. I have to drive him—his affections—away. This is for the better. I cannot afford to have attachments with him while planning to kill him to end everything.
Thankfully, Nikolai has gathered the courage to hold Kaz’s gloved hand. He tries the feel if there is warmth underneath the leather; there is obviously, he just cannot help but wonder. Always a wonderer, Sobachka.
He tugs on the edges of each finger first, careful but not sloth-slow to bore Kaz and make Kaz change his mind. Every inch of skin being ungloved, Nikolai cannot deny his intrusive thoughts that it feels like the Victorian jokes about men losing their minds after seeing a woman’s ankle naked. There’s an undeniable similarity.
After he removes the glove, he looks up at Kaz again and waits for what Kaz would like for him to do next. Kaz catches that. He turns his palm down, places it on top of Nikolai’s naked palm. He takes in a deep breath after the very second their skins touch. To his surprise, he doesn’t feel like he’s being pulled in by the river, rather he feels like stepping on a puddle.
Nikolai’s hands are rough on the edges but it is very warm, contrasting the cold of another man’s touch. But Kaz cannot fathom which one he prefers.
“How does he feel, Kaz?” The Darkling’s voice suddenly sounds very close. “Do you feel the same ache you feel from my touches that linger in your mind which you wish to be real?”
Kaz clenches his jaw, trying hard not to remember that he is not alone with Nikolai in the room. There is a shadow looming.
Surprises is Kaz’s specialty, only that this surprise surprises himself as well. He puts his palm under Nikolai’s then guides it towards his cheek. A soft whisper of protest came from The Darkling, whilst an audible gasp came from Nikolai.
A while ago, Kaz felt like stepping on a puddle, now he feels like walking further away from the shore. There is a rushing feeling that gives him the uncomfortable prickles, but once he becomes familiar with the waves, he feels like he can handle them.
Nikolai watches how Kaz froze from the initial skin contact to Kaz closing his eyes, taking a deep breath, and then leaning his cheek to Nikolai’s palm.
The privateer cannot help his urges yet he still experimentally moves his thumb to draw a very short line, like a dash, on Kaz’s cheekbone. When there is no sign of protest from Kaz, he begins to draw longer lines, tracing what he can of Kaz’s facial features.
As the final part of the trick, Kaz opens his eyes, fluttering his eyelashes before lifting his cheek from Nikolai’s touch, then he leans forward, catching the prince and the general off-guard.
He glides his other cheek to Nikolai’s, lingering there before leaning down to Nikolai’s clavicle, inhaling the sea, the wine, and the danger, and the gold. Against his previous principles, he inhales warmth that he long lost from his life before, and that he longs still yet represses himself from ever yearning for again.
He is aware that this is a low blow after knowing he and The Darkling yearn for such, even if it is just in their dreamscapes and minds, that warmth they shared is incomparable. But that warmth, Kaz knows, will set the whole world on fire.
To anyone that will see this will think that this is such an intimate moment that to witness it feels like you’re spying or intruding on these two’s privacy.
On the contrary, The Darkling feels like Kaz successfully stabbed him in the heart with a weapon more effective than a stake or a sword. This is the card that Kaz draws, obviously making the game favor Nikolai, but The Darkling have lost many to know how to turn tables.
The pain in his face morphs back into the coldest expression any living being can have. His pain is his power. The lamps suddenly burst out, painting the whole room in darkness.
Kaz is quick to summon orbs while Nikolai is on alert with his hand on a revolver while the other shields Kaz from the corner he remembers Kaz looking pass from his shoulder.
There are commotions outside. Nikolai is filled with alarm that he bolts to the door but a hand grabs his wrist. He turns to Kaz, who holds the same expression but there is only a ghost of an apology. He hates himself for still softening for Kaz.
Kaz didn’t say a word because he knows the damage is done, and he made him and Nikolai gamble against The Darkling, forgetting that they’re in his territory. How reckless he had influenced The privateer to be.
He hands Nikolai the glove, Nikolai snatches it from his hand and bolts outside, leaving him alone.
“You’ve lost on your own game, I see.”
Kaz does not hold back the frustrated sigh. He turned around, standing face to face with Aleksander. “Why can’t you leave me for a second?”
“Clearly if I left you unwatched for a second you will prey on who you see as your next worthy target. Did that arouse you, that skin-ship with him?”
“And how does that concern you?”
“What do you think making me jealous will earn you?”
Kaz holds Aleksander’s dark stare. A smirk comes on his lips. “Your weakness,” is all he says before turning his back at Aleksander, further putting everyone’s life in danger.
Aleksander lingers for a couple seconds, letting the stoic ice melt into what Kaz got right. Pain is his power yet love will always be his weakness.
Nikolai only bolted up the five-step stairs to the hallway that leads to the deck. He slows on his steps, giving himself and his mind and heart a second. That thing— that scheme — that Kaz pulled him in is for a show, of course, but there is a part of him that despises himself for actually losing on Kaz’s games.
Outside, Volkras and other creatures of the void swarm the shield. Everyone is all hands to have the ship move but with the masses that hold the ships from all sides makes it difficult.
Kaz is so tired and spiralling that he stands at the middle of the board, no thoughts, and performs a bigger light show that almost drains the light out of him.