Work Text:
"Come in"
Kaveh almost whined out loud when he heard the invitation. It had only taken two knocks on the door for Cyno to answer, not leaving space for regret and washing away his hopes that his partner wouldn't be there.
With one last sight, Kaveh opened the door and entered the matra's office.
"Kaveh! I wasn’t expecting you." The excitement in Cyno’s voice was unfair. Kaveh wanted to become small; melt and slip through the floor tiles. Or maybe become thin as a Karmaphala leaf and fly away with the gentle breeze that entered through the open window. But more than anything, Kaveh didn't want to be there. Didn't want Cyno looking at him, analyzing and reading everything he had been so carefully hiding from them. If Kaveh could get his way, his three partners would forever stay unaware of how big of a disappointment he was. But that would be too unfair, and as much as it pained him, Kaveh knew that, and it was precisely why he had gathered the courage to talk with Cyno. Even if now that he was there, the courage had seemed to dissipate into nothingness.
"C-can I sit down?" His legs felt like jelly and the architect wasn't sure they could hold him through this whole conversation. "I... I want to talk to you."
With a worried frown, his partner gestured towards the couch.
Kaveh once forced him to keep it in the office on his last attempt to re-design and add some life to the boring and almost claustrophobic space. At least now panicking visitors like him had a comfortable place to have a meltdown and some soft cushions to hug when they needed something to stay tethered to their remaining sanity.
While walking towards the couch he tried to look composed. Shoulders squared, arms moving naturally, with his twitching pinky hidden from sight.
But something in him must have screamed that he was about to lose it though. Maybe it was his pale bloodless face, his ragged breaths, the trembling that extended to his hands as he clutched to the pillow, or how he seemed to curl on himself trying to be smaller the moment he felt Cyno’s gaze reading him. Maybe it was a bit of everything, or perhaps that sixth sense Cyno sometimes seemed to have, because he quickly rushed to the couch, sitting by Kaveh’s side with a reassuring hand on his knee.
"Sunshine, it's ok, I'm here." Those words and that gentle squeeze were all Kaveh needed to explode. One last tremor ran through his whole body before the thin bubble that was holding everything from sight popped and the pain came crashing down on him.
His body bent forward, contorted with a spasm of a pain that was almost physical. Thoughts stopped and at the same time exploded in multitudes. Everything felt too fast yet too slow, numb yet too much he couldn’t handle it.
Soon after the immediate shock, Cyno's hands searched for his cheeks, finding them wet with tears that had started uncontrollably falling down. "Sunshine, are you hurt somewhere? I told you, if that client dares to raise his hand to you again, I’ll-"
Kaveh shook his head, unable to mutter a simple 'no' between his rugged breaths and desperate whimpers.
It felt as if his chest was trying to choke his throat. It burned. Everything did. He was on fire.
He could barely see Cyno's worried face. It made sense tho. Kaveh had never been the most stable of them four. In fact, it was rather the opposite. He was always being pampered, crying in the others' embrace while being peppered with kisses and kind words. But he always cried silently with them. Only Alhaitham had seen him like that before. Back when Kaveh was even more of a mess and didn't have three amazing partners to hold him when he was about to fall.
Cyno had never seen him like that. Even Kaveh had already forgotten how it felt. How the air could become so dense that he'd choke on it. Or how his whole body felt heavier, sluggish. So not him that he would not care and cry loudly, almost unable to hear himself. And how his head and chest felt about to collapse from an unexplainable pressure that seemed to come from outside and within at the same time.
"Breathe. Kaveh, breathe." It was easy to say it when one looked so collected as Cyno, but Kaveh couldn't even tell if he was breathing or not.
Gentle hands pushed him until his back touched the couch again and Cyno untangled his hand that had almost ripped into the cushion. It was so strange. Cyno massaged his fingers, one by one, rubbing each knuckle before moving to his palm where he drew some circles, sliding the caresses under his glove for a moment before moving the rubs up his arm, slightly squeezing his forearm.
It was so, so weird.
Kaveh was looking at it and thought it was clearly his arm, it didn't entirely feel like that, as if a beautifully crafted mannequin had taken his place and he was just looking at it.
"Sunshine, close your hand." He tried. The fingers of the mannequin trembled, and Cyno put his own hand over them to help close them into a fist. "Well done, now do it again."
Kaveh tried again and slowly managed to open and close the hand a few times by himself.
They continued like that for a while. Cyno even took away the poor pillow and massaged his thighs too, sitting between them on the floor, accidentally stopping a tremor that Kaveh hadn't even noticed.
He didn't realize he was back in the room, in his body, until Cyno congratulated him for breathing properly again. Grateful, he clutched onto the matra's hands, still trying to find his voice, but it was nowhere to be found.
Patient as always, the matra helped him get comfortable and attempted to wipe the tears that still wouldn't stop falling.
"H-hug?" Was the first he managed to mutter. Cyno didn't wait for Kaveh to repeat himself before climbing on his lap and giving his partner a bear hug.
The matra’s thin yet muscular body was so warm and comfortable. The naked skin on his back, covered in old scars and marks felt so familiar and reassuring; calming as Kaveh got distracted tracing the soft bumps with his fingers, resting his hands there and feeling his partner breathe. Automatically, he matched the pace of his breaths and started to calm down.
Meanwhile, Cyno too had found the window on his back, almost muscle memory as their bodies were already too used to find the other, and slid his hand there, extending the warm palm on what felt like all across Kaveh's back.
After a while, the architect tried again.
"I'm sorry. It's been so long since... it was this bad. I was not prepared. I should have known. I... apologize for getting you involved in this. I didn’t mean to, you must have been working and I-" Kaveh stopped, choking on his own words. Who was he kidding? He already knew he was going to bother the General. Even if he hadn’t broken down in a panic attack. But he didn’t really had a choice, Cyno’s office at the Akademiya was the only place they could have talked without Tighnari’s unwillingly listening to their conversation with his keen hearing or Alhaitham peaking on them, always wanting to be aware of what was going on at home.
Cyno shushed him softly and kissed his temple with his chapped lips.
“You’re always welcome here sunshine. I’m glad I was here to help.” Cyno comforting him felt wrong. As much as Kaveh appreciated the love and warmth, that day he didn’t deserve them. He wasn’t worthy. Not with how much harm Kaveh was about to bring. And worst of all, Cyno wasn’t asking.
“You’re gonna hate me,” Kaveh managed to cry. “All of you will.”
That frown looked so bad on Cyno’s face. After all, he deserved to be happy. His work was already a big source of worries and stress, Cyno didn’t need Kaveh adding anything to that. A person with a heart as big as his didn’t deserve someone who’d crush his smiles.
“Kaveh, we all love you. No one’s gonna hate you, you’re our family.” Those words felt like daggers sinking into his already pained heart. His breath started to quicken again and Cyno cupped his cheeks, now warmed pink by the heat of anxiety. “Breathe, slowly, easy Kaveh, easy…”
With his foreheads joined together, the architect slowly calmed down again.
This time it took him way, way longer to talk. But his partner waited patiently, sitting at his side to give him space once Kaveh had calmed down enough, but still holding one of Kaveh’s hands on his. Mindlessly fidgeting with the architect's fingers, remembering he would still be there whenever Kaveh was ready.
Not looking at Cyno’s face made things a bit easier, but still building the strength to speak took all the willpower Kaveh had.
“I’ve… I…” Even looking at the darker hand framing his pale fingers was painful. He did not deserve that. Not the love and care, not the ‘family’ they all talked about. “I’ve been thinking and, and… I thought… I’m so sorry Cyno. I was very wrong.”
Cyno’s grip tightened and he got closer to leave a gentle kiss on Kaveh’s cheek, along with a whispered ‘go on’.
“I’m not ready.”
The words weighed between them for a long moment where no one said anything. And when Kaveh realized his partner wasn’t breathing all the words that hadn’t refused to be worded came rushing out.
“W-when we talked about having a baby I said I was ok, and I really was. We… we were all so excited about it, and I love you all so much, I really thought it would be ok, but… I’m not ready to have kids yet.”
Tears came back and Kaveh brushed them away with his sleeve. He had no right to cry. With the weight off his chest, the architect felt somewhat lighter. The hatred towards himself was still there, but now it was a bit easier to breathe and get the words he needed to get out.
“I wanted to tell you because I know it would break Nari.”
After all, it had been the Forest Ranger who had first brought up the topic, more than a year past. They had always been vocal about wanting a family but waited for ages before bringing the topic onto their dynamic, their little family, knowing the weights the rest were carrying. It was also whose face had brightened the most when all finally agreed it was time to try.
If opening up to Cyno was already hard, hurting Tighnari like that would kill him.
“I see…” Strangled, the matra’s voice was deeper than usual, but it still had the warmth he saved for his partners only. “We must have made it difficult for you to tell us. I apologize.”
“NO!” Kaveh screamed. No no no, that wasn’t anyone else’s fault but his. “No, no you didn’t. Nari checked on all of us plenty of times, and I kept saying it was ok, but…”
“...but it wasn’t.” Cyno completed.
It hurt to recognize it out loud.
“I didn’t say it because I really thought I wanted it at first. I’m sorry. I know we moved on with the plan because we all agreed, but the more tangible it felt the worse it started feeling, and- I thought it was ok. I really did. Even now I still want to have a kid. If I’m ever to be a father I want to do so with all of you, just… I’m not ready.”
Kaveh vomited those words, rambling more than anything, but he needed to get it out. For so many sleepless nights he had closed himself in the bathroom, trying to cry and get it off his chest without waking up or worrying anyone. Sometimes even crying himself to sleep in the bathtub.
“We’re all nervous and I thought it was the same for me so I didn’t say anything but… when I see you all excited and… I’m not feeling that.”
Cyno’s head rested on his shoulder and with the heart clogging his throat, Kaveh looked at him. He didn’t know what to expect. Out of all his partners, Cyno was the harder one to read and beyond that, the one whose relationship with the whole topic was the hardest to understand: Nari’s excitement was easy to read on the wag of his tail and the audible smile on his voice everyone brought up the topic. And Alhaitham, oh Haitham was quiet about it, but Kaveh had seen all the new books he had got about babies and parenting, and how the corner of his lips raised on a tiny smile when he read them. But Cyno had been the one who took the longest to agree, being the one who would have to carry the baby despite the tumultuous relationship he had with his body.
But despite everything, Kaveh had chosen him to be the first to know, because Cyno would always listen without judging him.
However, his expression was impossible to read. He had the long-practised blank poker face on and Kaveh had no way to tell what was on his mind.
“I want to do this though… I just need… a bit more time. I think. If…” Kaveh gluped hard. Those were the hardest words to say. “If we were to have the baby now, I’m scared I’d… resent them more than love them. And I don’t want to be that kind of father. I don’t know what that would do to us and the baby doesn’t deserve that.”
‘Family’ was a very odd concept for Kaveh. When he thought of his partners, the family he had chosen and the memories they had built together, it felt warm and cozy. But when he thought of his parents, it was grief and loneliness, cold and painful. A baby, having a child of his own was a bridge between those two, an unknown factor that filled his nights with anxiety.
‘Family’ was something he already thought too often that he didn’t deserve. He had destroyed the one that was given to him at birth, he was not worthy of building his own. Partners were hard to accept but he could always run away from a romantic relationship, even if it hurt. But a baby… that was not a responsibility he could ever run away from. Even if guilt and grief drowned him.
Cyno didn’t ask for more, only nodding and bringing him into a hug.
“I’m glad you told us on time. I would have hated to unknowingly force you into it and make you miserable.”
Hugging Cyno felt so good, so natural, and Kaveh cried again on the crook of his neck.
“Oh Cyno please don’t say that. I’m just so sorry… I know it was hard for you to agree to this, and Haitham has bought so many things already, and… oh fuck even Nari’s parents were so happy about it, even Cyrus… Of course, I just had to ruin everything when you all were perfectly fine.” A whine escaped from his lips. Only if it wasn’t for his unresolved issues everything would have been so perfect…
“No… no, I think I too needed a bit more time. I want to, but it’s been hard.”
That surprised Kaveh enough to stop his circle of self-hatred and stand to look at Cyno. His eyes were a bit red and his lower lip trembled.
“Oh, Cyno!” He squeezed him in the hug. Kaveh had never fully understood Cyno’s dysphoria. As it happened with his own anxiety, by the moment they had got together, Cyno was far enough on his transition, having reconciled with his body enough that Kaveh had never got to see the ugly underneath. But a baby… no, a pregnancy, changed everything. “Why didn’t you say it? You know that was the most important condition Nari set.”
After all, Tighnari not only had accompanied Cyno through his worst but also understood that pain the most, living a similar one themselves.
Tot he question, Cyno gave him a look that screamed ‘Really, coming from you?’ but answered nonetheless, hand covering his toned belly.
“Sometimes it feels like I won’t ever be more ready than now, so I was willing to push through this. But hearing you say that you needed more time was too relieving to deny it.”
His words felt like a soothing balm on Kaveh’s heart. But the aftermath of his panic attack still had his thoughts going in circles.
“You have a pass but… Nari is gonna kill me, don’t they?”
“He may take a while but… they’ll understand. You will need to be a bit patient with him, sunshine.”
They snuggled together on the couch, Cyno splayed over Kaveh’s body, who kept drawing the scars on his back; both lost in their thoughts but not willing to let go of the comfort they brought to each other.
Kaveh imagined the conversation, rephrasing his words once and again, reimagining Tighnari’s reaction, how his ears would drop sadly against his head, or maybe he would snarl, or ignore him to worry about Cyno. Maybe be cold for a few days until Cyno or Alhaitham pushed him to talk things through. And Alhaitham… would he lose that newly found gleam in his eyes? Would he look at Kaveh disappointingly or smile tenderly to comfort him?
So, so many possibilities that Kaveh couldn’t possibly picture them all.
“Do you think we could all have a meeting after dinner?” He asked in the end, and got a quick ‘sure’ mumbled against his neck. “If… if things don’t go well, can I sleep with you tonight?”
Cyno snorted but moved to kiss Kaveh properly. Lips chapped and dried by the desert meeting Kaveh’s soft well-cared ones, that welcomed the kiss greedily, seeking the reaffirmation that even if everyone temporarily turned against him or needed their space, Kaveh would not spend the night alone again, crying in the bathtub.
“Of course,” Cyno answered, as if loving a needy Kaveh was the easiest thing in the world. “Whenever you need.”