Chapter Text
Brian woke up with a start. It took a moment for his brain to make sense of everything. The pristine white halls and overwhelming fluorescent lighting were sharp against his tired eyes. A glance at the clock on the wall indicated that only a couple of hours had passed since he’d discovered Justin being attacked outside Babylon.
Brian shifted, forgetting that Emmett was propped up against him. The other man moved off Brian’s shoulder and stretched. With Emmett’s form detached from him, Brian leaned forward and rubbed his hands down his face. It had been years since he’d felt this heavy and empty all at once. Not since he’d finally escaped his parent’s home.
“I’m gonna get some coffee. You want anything?” Emmett’s voice was soft and gentle.
Brian straightened up and looked at his friend. He stared, trying to process what Emmett had said. His brain was moving at a snail’s pace, the words caught in wet cement on their way to the processing center. Finally, he understood and shook his head.
Emmett stood up and moved to leave.
“Wait,” Brian heard his own voice, but somehow it still felt foreign.
Emmett stopped, his face expectant but patient.
“We, uh, we should tell Daphne.” Brian bit his bottom lip.
Emmett sat back down, “I don’t know her number.”
Brian racked his brain for the information. He’d known Justin for months now and had met Daphne. He knew where Justin lived, and yet he had no idea how to contact the young man’s best friend.
“I know where he lives.” Brian found himself saying, his voice numb. “I could go there and tell her.”
“You’re in no state to drive. I will go with you. We can take a cab.” Emmett reached out and gently rubbed Brian’s back.
Panic started to rise in Brian’s chest. He knew someone needed to tell people important to Justin what had happened, but the idea of leaving the hospital terrified him. It didn’t matter that he had just offered to go. Right now, his body wouldn’t allow it. The thought of Justin being alone made his heart catch in his throat.
“I-I,” Brian started to speak, but tears made his throat swell. “I can’t…”
This was unfamiliar territory for him. Brian wasn’t an overly emotional person, and he definitely wasn’t one to cry. But, here, he was so choked up that he could hardly speak.
“I can’t…” Brian took a deep breath and tried again. “I can’t leave him alone.”
Emmett pulled Brian against his chest as the tears flowed freely once more. The younger man rubbed soothing circles onto his back. Brian felt the tightness in his chest loosen its hold. The panic began to subside, and Brian felt he could breathe again.
“Tell you what. I’ll call Debbie and ask her to come here and sit with him. That way, you and I can go find Daphne to tell her.” Emmett’s clear head gave Brian a bit of his security back.
Brian nodded. Emmett rubbed his back one last time and then stepped away to call Debbie. A few moments later, he was back with the reassurance that Debbie would be there shortly. The two friends continued to sit in the hallway in silence. It was still the early morning hours, 3 am to be exact, so the area was practically deserted. Brian wished more than anything he could whip out a few dollar bills and get into Justin’s room. He just needed to see the man for himself to believe he was still alive.
They were close enough to the ICU now, having moved from their initial bench after the doctor had previously left them. Close enough that if Brian strained, he could hear some of the noises going on.
Brian cleared his throat, “Do you think they called his mom?”
Emmett was about to answer when, as if summoned, the woman appeared. Her hair was in shambles around her face, and her eyes looked bloodshot – as if she had been crying for hours. She made eye contact with Brian, and her shoulders dropped. He could tell she was relieved to find her son wasn’t alone.
“I’m so glad he has friends here.” Her voice was watery and quiet. “I was out of town and had to rush back.”
Brian got up from the bench and offered the space to her. She took it without another word.
“I don’t know if you remember me, but I’m Jennifer, Justin’s mom.” She seemed to suddenly remember that these two men, whom she’d only met once, might not know who she was.
“I remember,” Brian muttered softly.
“Ok,” Jennifer’s eyes welled up with tears again, “Did they tell you guys anything?”
She dug in her purse and pulled out a crumpled tissue, “Oh wait, probably not. You aren’t family.”
All of this had transpired over a period shorter than a minute. Brian’s brain was still playing catch-up when Emmett’s voice rang out in response.
“Actually, I lied to the doctor earlier and said I was his older brother. They told us everything they could at the time.” Emmett crossed his hand over to Jennifer’s knee and placed it down in comfort.
“That’s good,” Jennifer whispered to her lap, no longer able to look either of them in the eye.
“We were going to go by his apartment and tell Daphne, but Brian didn’t want him to be here alone, so we were waiting for Debbie to get here.” Emmett continued in his naturally calm manner.
Jennifer looked up at Brian, a little confused, “Who’s Debbie?”
Brian rubbed his hand across his mouth as he searched for the words to best describe who Debbie was to Justin. He settled on the simplest answer.
“She’s his boss at the diner. Debbie kind of adopts wayward gay kids. She adopted me when I was a teen, looking to escape my family. She took Emmett here under her wing when he first moved to Pittsburgh. Basically, Justin is one of her boys.”
“Oh.” Jennifer nodded and blew her nose. Brian turned away. It was hard enough to deal with his own emotions; he couldn’t bear other people’s as well.
His chest started to tighten once more. Justin was somewhere beyond his reach, fighting to stay alive, and Brian was here, unable to help. When he was a kid, and his father was hitting him, Brian had promised himself he would toughen up. The minute he was old enough to fight back and harden himself, he did. By the time he’d met Mikey, he was already pushing himself to be stronger than he looked in order to throw off would-be bullies. He’d always had a scrawny frame, but Brian could pack a punch with the best of them. Only this time, his strength hadn’t helped anyone. Let alone the person he —
How did he feel about Justin? Sure, he instinctively looked out for him, as inexperienced with the world as he was. And yes, he’d told Michael and that doctor they were together, but what were the words to express what he felt? This is why he didn’t do relationships. Feelings were messy and hard to define. Plus, he wouldn’t be hurting this much if he’d just ignored the lad all those months ago. He wouldn’t be feeling like his heart had shattered and been shoved back into his chest.
Brian pressed his forefinger and thumb onto the lids of his closed eyes. He wished he could shut out the world entirely. This was all his fault. Justin wouldn’t have even needed to participate in the King of Babylon contest if Brian hadn’t decided to be a colossal jerk.
The sound of Debbie’s feet preceded the arrival of the woman herself. She immediately wrapped Brian in a bone-crushing hug. She didn’t speak, she didn’t have to. Brian knew exactly what she was trying to say. She’d been like a mother to him for half his life. At this point, they rarely needed words to communicate.
“Em said Justin got hurt? What happened?!”
“Some assholes jumped him outside Babylon. Didn’t Mikey tell you?” Brian looked confused. He was sure Michael would’ve informed his mother after he left the hospital hours ago.
“Haven’t spoke to him since before you guys went to the club.” Debbie cupped Brian’s cheek and looked him over. “Have you slept, honey?”
Brian gave Debbie a small smile and shook his head. Just as he was sure she was going to admonish him, the doctor from earlier arrived. His face looked unemotional, impassive. It chilled Brian to his core that he couldn’t discern what this man was about to tell them.
He looked from the older blonde woman to Emmett and Brian. Brian could tell he was trying to figure out who was supposed to be addressed in the current situation. So, Brian stepped forward, reaching out and pulling Jennifer up with him.
“This is Mrs. Taylor, Justin’s mom. We lied to you earlier about her relationship with him. We just desperately wanted to know how he was doing.” Brian then looked at his feet, his telltale sign that he was feeling insecure about what was going on around him.
It was a habit he’d picked up all those years ago when his father demanded to be heard and respected. And his mom insisted on children being seen and not heard. Brian knew what he and Emmett had done only a few hours ago was deceitful. Now, the shame of it was catching up to him. Unconsciously, his body readied himself for whatever condemnation was going to be thrown at him for lying.
“I know,” the doctor sighed, causing Brian to look up. “Do you really think I thought he was related to the young man in our ICU? They look nothing alike. I felt bad, and I could tell you were the only family here for him at the time.”
“Well, I won’t tell if you don’t, doc.” Brian tried his best to smirk, but his heart wasn’t in it.
“Mrs. Taylor, now that you are here, I would like to fully brief you on your son’s condition. If you follow me, I will lead you to our conference room so we can talk more.”
Brian’s hearing turned to mush, and his brain short-circuited at the doctor’s statement. If they wanted privacy, that meant the news wasn’t good at all. He didn’t have much experience with doctors or hospitals, but he did have experience with the way the world worked. Bad news was always delivered somewhere quiet, comfortable, and secluded. That way, the family could have time to react and process.
A gentle hand on his arm brought his attention back to the present. He looked up and saw Mrs. Taylor looking at him expectantly.
“Brian, could you come with me? Please.” One look at her eyes and Brian knew that she needed someone to lean on in case the news was more than she could handle. Brian could also see this for what it was – an olive branch.
“Uh. Um. Sure.” He was about to follow her when he thought of Daphne. He stopped short and turned to Emmett. “Daphne.”
At that moment, Debbie spoke up, “I have her number. Justin gave it to me in case of an emergency. I will give her a call, don’t worry.”
Her eyes met Brian’s, and for the smallest of moments, he felt like the world was right again. Then he turned around and followed Jennifer toward whatever lay ahead.
The doctor led them to a room filled with a large table with plush chairs all around. Brian held his breath; this was the moment his life would be irreversibly changed. Passing over the threshold would carry him somewhere he could never return from. Who he’d always been would be different from now on. Brian didn’t know if he was ready for it, but he also knew that Jennifer needed someone to lean on. He had to be strong; he had to be the protector.
Once they were all seated, the doctor opened up a medical file that Brian hadn’t noticed in his hand before. He couldn’t read much of what it said, but he did notice Justin’s name at the top.
“So, a few hours ago, Justin was rushed to our ER with a severe injury to his skull on the right side of his temple. He also had severe crush injuries to his right hand. Beyond that, we also found that he had internal bleeding in his abdomen from what appeared to be multiple blows to his stomach based on the bruising on his skin.” The doctor paused to give them time to process what was going on.
“Yeah.” Brian hadn’t meant to speak, but his mouth moved of its own accord, “He was being punched and kicked by three guys when I found him.”
The doctor nodded and made a notation in Justin’s chart. Then he looked up, his face completely serious, his eyes sad.
“I’m going to be completely honest with you. Justin has an extremely tough road ahead. Due to the nature of his traumatic brain injury, his brain started to swell during surgery. The neurosurgeon decided to pause the work he was doing and give Justin’s body some time to heal. He plans to go back in later today if it appears Justin can handle it.”
“While the neurosurgeon was working on his brain injury, our orthopedic surgeon went about putting some screws in place along the fingers and joints of Justin’s hands in the hope that his bones will be able to heal themselves. In a few weeks, she will go back in and fix the nerves and tendons on his hand. At which time he would begin occupational therapy to regain function in his hand.”
Brian rubbed his hand down his face. He knew it wasn’t good the way Justin had been bleeding on the ground and how his hand had looked. But to hear the doctor explain it all, Brian couldn’t get his heart or his head to slow down. He wanted to run away and never look back. Getting as far away from feeling this heartbreak and pain as he could sounded perfect. But that was the Brian of five minutes ago. The new Brian couldn’t run away; he had to hold on tight. Brian had to be strong for Justin.
“Will he be able to draw again?” Jennifer’s question came out in a hushed tone. Brian had been thinking it but didn’t dare ask.
“It’s hard to say at this moment in time.” The doctor looked like he wanted to say more but didn’t know how.
“What aren’t you saying?” Brian asked, grabbing Jennifer’s hand in his own.
“Since I first spoke to you, Justin’s heart arrested. We were able to bring him back, but right now, it doesn’t look good.”
“Is it because of his brain injury?” Brian was all business at the moment, pushing his fears deep down to be dealt with when he was alone.
“The swelling in his brain doesn’t help the stress already being put on his body from the injuries elsewhere. The internal bleeding will potentially heal itself, but in the meantime, it is putting extra strain on his heart. Collectively, all of his injuries are making it difficult for his other systems to regulate themselves. We are taking it one hour at a time.”
Jennifer began to sob, and it took all Brian had to keep himself breathing. He wrapped an arm around her shoulder and allowed the woman to lean on him for strength. While she got herself composed, Brian’s thoughts raced, the same two thoughts circling on repeat.
He could die. Justin could stop breathing and cease to exist.
“Does Justin have a medical directive in place?” The doctor’s voice floated in the space between them.
Brian didn’t know the answer; he hoped that Jennifer did. If she asked him to decide for her son, he wasn’t sure he’d be able to. Sure, they were together, but Brian barely knew the kid. Not well enough to make a decision about his care.
“He doesn’t,” Jennifer stated between wet hiccups. “Do you need to know right now?”
“Considering he’s already arrested once, and we now have him on a ventilator to give his lungs a break, yes. I know it’s a hard decision to make under the best circumstances, let alone emergent ones like this.”
Brian heaved a sigh and rubbed his hand on his face again. This was completely fucked. He couldn’t help anyone make this kind of decision. He looked at Jennifer and saw that she was silently begging him to tell her what to say. Brian subtly shook his head. She had no right putting this on him.
“Can I, um, can I have a few minutes? I need to talk to his father.” Jennifer’s voice told him she was on the verge of crying once more.
The doctor nodded and told her he would come back in an hour to discuss the way forward. The minute he was out the door, so was Brian. He could hardly breathe and needed to get out of the confining walls of this hospital.
He walked down the hall as fast as he possibly could, ignoring the calls of Emmett and Debbie to get his attention. It was all just too much. Brian knew he needed to present a strong front for everyone else, but inside, his thoughts were racing, and his stomach was in knots.
Once outside, Brian gulped in multiple lungfuls of air. His head was swimming with the fear that Justin could die at any minute. He thought it was bad enough that Justin pulled away when he pushed back on their relationship after his dad died. The idea that he might never see Justin’s beautiful blue eyes sparkling with mischief and snark ever again terrified him.
His breaths came in short, tight gasps as the panic set in. Brian leaned his hand against the side of the building. Tears built up behind his eyes, and he fought hard to prevent them from coming out. But with his next inhale, the floodgates let go, and he wasn’t able to stop them. After a few minutes of wet sobs, Brian started to choke. He coughed, and then his stomach turned, and he was vomiting into the grass.
Once his stomach was done spasming, Brian leaned his forehead against his arm on the side of the building. He closed his eyes and forced himself to focus on reeling the emotions back in and lock them up once more. Brian had allowed himself a few moments of weakness, but now he needed to harden up and be the stoic Brian who never gets hurt.
Just then, Emmett was there with his arms around him. He directed Brian over to a stone bench nearby and coaxed him to relax against the Southerner’s shoulder.
“He’s going to pull through. Justin is a firecracker. He’s a fighter.” Emmett whispered against Brian’s temple, and Brian found himself able to relax just a little bit.
“His brain is swelling, Em. How does he get better from that?” Brian knew he could voice his fears to Emmett and be met with understanding.
Emmett squeezed his shoulders and hugged Brian against his chest.
“He just will. Human bodies are resilient.”
*****
Twenty minutes later, Brian stood up and walked back inside the hospital. He didn’t want to have to make any decisions about Justin’s care, but if Jennifer needed him to help her, he would. He couldn’t exactly say what had changed his mind, but it came down to the fact that he didn’t want anyone to have to be alone in all this. He and Jennifer included.
Weird. I’ve always pushed myself to be independent and not need love. Now, here I am, deciding that if she asks me again, I will make a decision with her about her son. Her son, who I care deeply about, against my better judgment.
When he stepped back inside, he found Debbie standing off to the side, talking to Daphne, who was crying, and Michael, who was not. Brian knew he should talk to Daphne; they had a mutual bond because of Justin, and she deserved to hear about it from him. But, he was still so numb and adrift after the meeting with the doctor. He wasn’t sure he could handle all of Daphne’s emotions on top of that.
So, instead, he turned toward the other end of the hall, where he was certain Jennifer would still be. Without a word to his family, Brian headed toward Justin’s. He hadn’t taken more than two steps when he felt a hand envelope his own. He looked down to see long, slender fingers. Without looking up, he knew that they belonged to Emmett. Bless that sweet man for always knowing the right thing to do in a crisis. Brian was closer to Michael, even when they were distant from each other, like now, but Michael was useless in situations where emotions ran high. No, Brian didn’t need Michael right now; he needed Emmett.
The two men arrive at the conference room once more and find Jennifer sitting where Brian had left her. She had her cell phone in her left hand and a crumpled tissue in her right. A pile of used tissues sat on the table in front of her. She was staring, unseeing, straight ahead. Emmett immediately sat down next to her while Brian hung back. He’d been touching and hugging people more in the last 5 hours than he had in the last five years. He was at his limit.
“It was his birthday.” Jennifer’s statement came out in a whisper, wettened by the tears still flowing down her face.
That one sentence broke Brian. His knees buckled, and he had to force himself into a chair of his own. How had he forgotten it was Justin’s birthday? What god and what universe allows a person to be attacked an inch of his life on his birthday?
“Fuck.” Brian let his breath out, and the tears started anew.
Emmett squeezed Jennifer against his side as he also reached for Brian’s hand.
“What can I do?” He asked, looking between the two people he was trying to keep steady.
Jennifer bit her lip and then finally turned her head toward them. “I called his father. He’s not coming. It seems he believes Justin brought this on himself.”
The anger within Brian bubbled to the surface, and he clenched his fists, forgetting that Emmett had one in his grip. He couldn’t believe a parent would be so heartless as to say he deserved to be bashed. And to say it to his obviously grieving ex-wife, the mother of said child? Unforgivable.
“I thought my dad was bad.” Brian spat out, the words feeling like fire on his tongue.
Jennifer gave a wet laugh, “Craig is, well, he’s something. I just regret that it took me until now to officially leave him. Justin deserved better.”
They all fell silent for some time. Brian could hear every tick of the clock on the wall. He wanted to know if Jennifer had made any decisions yet, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask. Emmett, who hated silences, even if they were comfortable, cleared his throat and spoke up.
“What matters most is that you are here now. He is lying there in the ICU, broken and bruised, in need of his mom, and you are here.” Jennifer nodded to indicate that she understood.
“I’m sorry.” Brian’s voice filled the empty space left behind when Emmett stopped talking.
“Brian –” Emmett started to reassure him that he had nothing to apologize for, but Brian shrugged him off.
“I should have followed him out of the club. I shouldn’t have been a colossal jackass to him in the days leading up to this. If I hadn’t, he wouldn’t have felt the need to go to Babylon.” Brian rambled, his eyes fixed on his hands that were still in fists.
“Brian, YOU are NOT to blame.” Emmett’s words came out firm but loving. “You didn’t punch him and kick him. In fact, you have only ever respected him and cared about him.”
“As for Babylon, I was the one who urged him to go out for his birthday. He just wanted to have a quiet night in and watch movies. If we are going to play a blame game for why he was there, then I am the reason, not you.”
“Neither of you are to blame.” Jennifer butted in. “You both were there for him when I refused to be. We can’t sit here and blame ourselves for the actions of those three who attacked him. We all have to be strong and support him through the road ahead.”
She paused, got up from her seat, and moved closer to Brian. Then, surprising him, she leaned over and wrapped him in a hug.
“You heard the doctor. Justin has multiple surgeries and months of rehab to look forward to. He’s going to need people there to support him.”
Brian hesitated before he wrapped his arms around Justin’s mom as well. He breathed in her vanilla scent and allowed her warm embrace to comfort him. Here was a woman who had every right to hate him. He was much older than her son and was Justin’s chosen partner. Instead, she chose to love and appreciate his presence in her son’s life. This was all foreign territory for Brian. Most people immediately criticized his influence on the people he cared about, thinking he was too selfish. But, Mrs. Taylor was here accepting him as he was for the sake of her son. A small voice at the back of Brian’s brain told him not to get comfortable and that she would probably turn on him eventually. But for now, he was going to soak up this feeling. It helped to keep his fears at bay.
Jennifer pulled back, “We should probably go and update the others, Daphne and…that woman…”
“Debbie.” Emmett and Brian said at once. They shared a small smile.
“Yes, Debbie. We should update them.” Jennifer stood up and grabbed her purse. She deposited all the used tissues in the trash, wiped the tear tracks from her face, and put on a fake smile before she left the room.
Emmett followed her soon after, but Brian hung back briefly. He needed to compose himself. It was one thing to allow Emmett and Jennifer to see him break down. He couldn’t do that in front of Daphne. While it wasn’t the first time Debbie or Michael would’ve seen him crack under pressure, he wasn’t in the mood for their comfort right now.
He needed to be sure that when he went out there, his demeanor reflected the stoic person he always was. It would encourage the huggers of the group to leave him alone. Which, if Debbie could be counted on for anything, it was running her mouth. He was sure more people probably arrived by now to stand vigil for someone they didn’t really know but mattered to Brian, so they cared. Sure enough, upon reaching the part of the hallway where he’d left Debbie before, he found Lindsay and Ted had joined the group.
“Doesn’t anyone have anything better to do? It’s not like he knows you are here.” Brian rolled his eyes and pulled out his cigarettes. He knew he couldn’t smoke inside, but damn did he want to.
“Then why are you here?” Mikey whined from his spot next to Debbie.
Brian shook his head slightly in disbelief, pinched the bridge of his nose, and finally responded.
“Because he’s my bo— because we are seeing each other.” Brian caught himself before he said the dreaded word, but a look around revealed that Debbie, Lindsay, and Emmett were giving each other knowing smiles.
“I’m grateful that someone has been here with him since it happened.” Daphne stepped forward and moved to touch Brian’s arm, but he took a step back.
“Yeah, well, someone had to. He was pretty beat up.” Brian shrugged and tried to act nonchalantly.
“I was there too.” Michael started to chime in, but Brian stepped up to him and cut him off.
“You stood there and didn’t do shit!” His frustration at the whole situation poured out of him and landed on the one thing he could control — Michael.
“Fuck off, Brian! He wouldn’t have been out there if you’d paid him any attention!” Michael spat back, his words having no truth to them but still cutting deep.
“The two of you need to stop!” Debbie got between them, giving them both a stern mother look.
“Maybe if you’d done something, they wouldn’t have been able to kick his head and cause his brain to swell!” Brian threw at Michael despite Debbie’s admonishment.
“Brian!” Debbie turned all her attention to him. “I know you are hurting, and when that happens, you make those around you hurt, but placing the blame on Michael isn’t fair, and you know it.”
Brian was so angry at everything going on that he couldn’t even see straight. He knew Debbie was right, but it didn’t help that her son wanted to try to claim he was there for Justin when he wasn’t. He’s never once cared for the blonde ever.
“I’m going to get a coffee.” Brian stepped away from Daphne and the Novotnys.
“I think we should all go home and get some rest. We can come back in a few hours, in shifts, to visit him during visiting hours.” Debbie said, looking around at the family like she meant business. “That includes you, Brian. You need sleep, honey.”
The thought of going home terrified Brian. Even if Jennifer was there to keep an eye on him, Brian couldn’t imagine going across town to his loft right now. It was too far away.
“Debbie, is it?” Jennifer finally stepped forward, “I think Brian should stay here. Just in case something happens. I don’t want to be here alone.”
Brian would never be able to say it, but in that moment, he thought Jennifer was heaven on earth.
*****
As the sun rose, Brian sat in that sterile hallway. Jennifer was right next to him with her hand on his knee. After Debbie and everyone else had left, Brian had calmed down enough to allow Jennifer to give him the barest of touches in the hours since she hadn’t moved her hand, not once.
Brian leaned to the right, allowing his right arm to support his head. He knew he should probably sleep, but every time he closed his eyes, he saw Justin lying on the ground in a puddle of his own blood. It was something he would give up his loft and all the money in his bank account to never see again.
He heard a muffled noise next to him. It sounded like voices, but he couldn’t make out the words. Brian rubbed his eyes and straightened up. He looked over to Jennifer and found her looking at him expectantly.
“Huh?” Brian stifled a yawn.
“I asked what you do. What’s your job? I’m assuming you have one.”
Brian let out a chuckle. “Advertising Executive.”
For the first time since Justin had jumped off the stage at Babylon, Brian smiled, genuinely smiled.
“Sorry. You reminded me of Justin just then. He would’ve smirked at me and said, ‘Assuming you have a job.’” Brian ducked his head and stared at his hands, which he had his right grasping his left with the thumb and forefinger applying pressure to his left palm.
“Don’t apologize,” Jennifer whispered. “I love knowing that others appreciate his sarcasm and wit like I do. He’s always been so much brighter than his peers. He got a 1500 on his SAT. Did you know that?”
Brian shook his head, then tilted his chin up so he could make sideways eye contact with the woman next to him.
“But I’m not surprised. He told me once his father wanted him to go to Dartmouth. I knew then he was smarter than I could ever hope to be.”
Jennifer reached across and separated his hands in order to clasp his left one between both of hers.
“I don’t know you very well, Brian, but I know you are kinder and smarter than you give yourself credit for.”
Brian scoffed. But stopped the minute Jennifer continued.
“You saved my son's life. I will always be grateful to you for that.”
Brian’s throat thickened, and tears threatened to fall once more. He was saved from responding by the appearance of Justin’s doctor.
“Mrs. Taylor, it’s still not visiting hours, but we decided as a group that Justin might benefit from human contact that isn’t his medical team.” The doctor took a deep breath. “Would you like to see your son?”
Then he paused briefly before adding, “You can come too, Mr.” And then he looked stressed that he didn’t know Brian’s name.
“Kinney. My name is Brian Kinney.” He stood up and walked down a completely different hallway with Jennifer.
“Be aware Justin is still unconscious and on the ventilator. But we were able to lower his settings and hope that by tomorrow he can be weaned off.”
Brian and Jennifer silently nodded their heads. He found himself grabbing onto Jennifer’s hand and holding on tight. His brain couldn’t make up its mind whether or not he wanted to be touched. Most of the time, it all felt too much, but as they walked toward the door that Justin lay behind, Brian felt the need to have something grounding him or else he might float away.
How could it be that this young man has changed his whole center of being in just six months?
Brian held his breath as they arrived at Justin’s room. He could see him through the glass doors and adjoining columns of windows. For someone whose personality made him brighter than sunshine and bigger than life, Justin was now so pale and small.
The sounds of the ventilator worked in tandem with the steady beat of Justin’s heart monitor. If it weren’t for the bandage around his head and his hand propped on pillows with rods sticking up out of it, Brian could easily say he was sleeping. In fact, Justin looked so similar to all those early mornings that Brian woke up to find him in the bed next to him.
“He looks as though he could wake up any moment,” Jennifer spoke his thoughts out loud. Brian just nodded.
He removed his hand from Jennifer’s, and she immediately moved in, placing her loving hands against any visible part of his face she could find.
“Oh, Justin. I’m here. And Brian’s here. You aren’t alone.” At Jennifer’s words, Brian sat in the chair on the other side of the bed and squeezed Justin’s leg.
“I’m right here. I see your hurt, Justin Taylor.”
If Jennifer was curious about Brian’s words, she didn’t say. Brian was grateful for that. He sat there silently, watching Justin’s heart beat out the steady rhythm. For the briefest of moments, he wondered if he should pray to God. But then he remembered he didn’t believe in that sort of thing. All those years of being forced to sit in a church and pray for absolution from sins he never committed turned him away from any kind of all-powerful being.
As if she could sense his thoughts, Jennifer spoke. “Do you believe in God, Brian?”
Brian shook his head, not wanting to say too much, but then one more look at Justin, and he changed his mind.
“I was raised in the Catholic church. My mom forced me to go multiple times a week until I was 12. Then, I got taller than her and simply refused to go. I already knew I was gay and couldn’t bear sitting through lecture after lecture about how I was going against God. How could God create me as I was supposed to be but then hate me?” Brian shrugged.
“So, I stopped going. Met my best friend, Michael and went to Sunday dinners at his house instead.”
“I was never an avid churchgoer, but I guess you could say I believe. In times like this, I feel like it’s all I have.”
Jennifer ran her hands along Justin’s blankets, tucking them or straightening them where she saw fit. After a few minutes of this, she looked up at Brian and gave him a sad smile.
“You wouldn’t understand, but when you become a parent, the person you once were stops existing, and in its place is someone who would do anything for that child in your arms. If I could trade places with him right now, I would.”
“I do know. I have a son.” Brian licked his lips and allowed his mind to turn to Gus for the briefest of moments.
“That’s right. Justin drew a picture of you and him for the art show.”
“Gus.” Brian forced a smile and looked up at Jennifer.
She smiled to herself, “You know, Justin had a stuffed bear when he was little that he named Gus.”
“No, I didn’t know that.” Brian smiled back at her.
“But, I’m not a father.” Brian had become too uncomfortable with his vulnerability, so he put his walls back up. “I simply gave a donation so that my friends could have a child.”
Jennifer’s hand landed on top of Brian’s, “I would hazard to guess Justin sees you better than anyone else. And since he drew you taking care of your son, I’d say you’re a dad.”
*****
For the next few days, Brian and Jennifer rarely left Justin’s side. The young teen remained in a coma, but with each passing day, his prognosis got better. On the second day, the neurosurgeon was able to go in and complete the surgery they had started the night of his attack. With his head injury taken care of and his internal bleeding getting better on its own, what remained was a waiting game.
Justin was no longer on the ventilator, and the cannula in his nose was simply there as a precaution, not that the doctors really felt he needed assistance with getting oxygen. His doctor told Brian and Jennifer, on the morning of the third day, that his brain activity had shown signs of improving. He was optimistic that Justin would come out of his coma very soon. That was hours ago, and Brian was getting anxious. Was there something wrong with Justin that the doctors missed? Is that why he hasn’t woken up yet?
He was tired of just sitting around; he needed to move. Brian needed to get out of the four walls of this hospital. It had been almost a full 24 hours since he had last left Justin’s room for more than just a bathroom break. Brian stood up and placed a hand on Jennifer’s shoulder. He gave her a small smile and then motioned his head to indicate that he was going to step outside for a second.
“It’ll be good for you. Take all the time you need.” Jennifer returned his smile.
Brian walked toward the courtyard near the ICU. The air was a bit chilly, and despite wearing a long-sleeved button-down, Brian found himself huddling against himself to try to stay warm. Having not slept in almost 15 hours, Brian was exhausted and didn’t know how he was going to properly function in his client meeting via phone in two hours. He’d tried getting out of all work for the last few days, but this meeting couldn’t be rescheduled because the customer wanted their ad to go live by the end of the week.
Brian pulled out his cigarettes and quickly lit one. He’d needed a smoke for days now but hadn’t dared to try. He didn’t want the doctors or Jennifer to say anything. Now, he was so stressed and exhausted that his nerves were constantly on edge. He needed something to ease the tension that was now a permanent fixture in his muscles.
A few minutes later, Brian stubbed out the butt of his cigarette and rolled the non-lit end between his thumb and forefinger as he thought back over the last few days. He’d never admit it out loud, but he hadn’t breathed easy in days. The idea that Justin could die had haunted his every moment. For reasons beyond even his understanding, Brian couldn’t picture a life without the kid in it. He threw the butt into the trashcan by the door.
The cell phone in his pocket rang just as he was ready to go back inside. He looked at the caller ID and saw his sister’s name. He rolled his eyes and almost ignored her completely. But she’d been hounding him for ages, calling at least four times a day for the last 4 or 5 days.
“What do you want Claire?” Brian sighed and rubbed his temples with his other hand.
“I’ve been trying to reach you for days, Brian.” Claire sounded completely put out, but what else was new. His sister always had something to complain about.
“I’ve been busy. I would think me not answering your calls would give you a clue.” Brian was barely able to keep his own sanity in check at the present, let alone try to talk his overly emotional sister off her own ledge.
“I can’t take it anymore. Mommy is drinking more than ever before. She’s never happy, no matter what I do. I need a break.” Claire whined through the phone.
“So take one. She’s an adult. Let her make her own decisions.” Brian sighed before he hung up on Claire. Two minutes was more time than he’d really been able to handle.
Brian shoved his phone back into his pocket and opened the door. The warmth of the hospital was only a degree or two above that of the outside, but it was enough for Brian to welcome the change in temperature. He made his way back to Justin’s room, and the sight he was greeted with pushed all the air out of his body. There in his bed, Justin was awake and mumbling something to his mom, who was crying once more. The minute Brian entered the room, Justin turned his head to him.
“Brian.” Justin grinned a crooked grin. Brian took a deep breath and willed his eyes not to tear up.
“I thought I’d never hear your voice again.” Brian finally said as he crossed the room and gently took Justin’s hand in his own. Despite his efforts, tears fell from Brian’s eyes.
Justin didn’t say anything in response, just squeezed Brian’s hand. The two made eye contact, and Brian refused to blink. He worried that if he tore his eyes away for even a second, it would all prove to be a dream. He rolled his lips over his teeth and gave the smallest of smiles. Without turning away from Justin, Brian brought his other hand up to caress his cheek and spoke to Jennifer.
“How long?”
“He opened his eyes about five minutes after you stepped out.”
Brian nodded his head and fell silent. There were so many things he wanted to say, but he didn’t know how. He cared deeply about Justin, and he knew that Jennifer could see that, but Brian wasn’t someone who went around talking about said feelings. Being raised to be silent but present meant that Brian had never developed the emotional maturity or communication skills to be comfortable with such declarations. Instead, he showed through his actions and hoped that people caught on. If they didn’t, well, that was on them, wasn’t it?
Justin smiled groggily at him and then said tiredly, “My mom was trying to tell me what happened, but she doesn’t know everything.”
“You don’t remember?” Brian looked from Jennifer, who looked away, and Justin, who shook his head.
“The last thing I remember was Emmett saying ‘Go Baby!’ the moment I signed up for the King of Babylon contest. I don’t remember dancing, I don’t remember after, and I definitely don’t remember whatever got me here.” Justin explained.
Brian didn’t know which he preferred, that Justin remembered everything about that night, including the viscous attack, or that he didn’t remember the painful, damaging events. Either option hurt in some way, and that was something he wasn’t used to at all.
He stared up at the ceiling as he contemplated how much he would tell Justin.
“I remember everything. But I wish I could forget the bad parts.” He let go of Justin’s hand to rub both his hands down his face.
Justin’s eyes went soft, and he reached for Brian’s hand. “There were good parts?”
Brian bit his lip and contemplated how much he was willing to reveal, how much he wanted to give away.
“You won King of Babylon for one.” Brian shrugged with a smirk on his face.
Just then, Brian’s cell phone rang again. He was certain it was his sister again. So, he ignored it. When Justin gave him a curious look, Brian waved him off. There was no reason for him to leave Justin at this moment, especially not for his overly dramatic sister.
“And,” Brian paused, unable to figure out how to explain what he had said to Michael and why. “I pissed Mikey off by telling him we were together.”
“You told him the truth?” Justin’s eyes lit up, and Brian knew despite whatever reservations he had about admitting things out loud, he would do anything to ensure Justin’s eyes never lost that light ever again.
Brian shrugged just as his phone went off again. He wanted desperately to ignore it, but considering he’d been out of the office for days, there was now a chance it was a work-related emergency. Sure enough, he pulled it out of his pocket and recognized the number as coming from his boss. He looked up at Justin with an apology in his eyes.
“I’m so sorry, I have to deal with this. I promise I’ll come back later.”
“Don’t worry about it. You’re a busy guy.” What he didn’t say, but Brian heard loud and clear, was, ‘I’m surprised you have stuck around.’
As Brian exited the room, he heard Jennifer reassure Justin that Brian would be back. After all, he had spent the last three days there with her. But Brian knew, and he knew Justin did too, that there was no set time frame for his return ‘later.’ Brian had been ignoring that he even had a job for the last three days, but now that his bubble had popped, he couldn’t ignore the stress coiling up in his stomach at the state of his accounts.
He arrived at the office about 20 minutes later. Cynthia met him just outside his office, by her desk, with a look of apology. He had told her what had happened to Justin so that he could have some peace these last few days.
“I’m so sorry. I know you said you were taking the whole week, but then the art department lost the file containing the mockups for Liberty Air, and Ryder was fuming. He told me to get you here, or he would have your pink slip.” She grabbed his jacket from him and continued, “I refused, but in a show of dominance, he called you.”
“Cynthia,” Brian put a hand on her shoulder to stop her. “Breathe. It’s fine. I can come in for a few hours if it’ll make Ryder happy.”
“But, Justin?”
“He woke up about an hour ago. He’s going to be fine. I need to focus on the Liberty Air account, so tell me. How bad is it really?” Brian walked past her and into his office. He immediately poured himself a glass of water and sat behind his desk for the first time in almost a week.
“Well, I’m pretty sure Ryder is seconds away from firing half of the art department. So, maybe you could say something?” Cynthia gave him a pleading look as she gently draped his jacket on the hook.
“Why do I need to step in?” Brian knew he should, but a part of him, the extremely exhausted part, didn’t have the energy to even bother with it.
“Oh, don’t act like you don’t care. I’ve worked for you way too long for fall for any of that.” Cynthia chided him.
He was about to snark back at her; being around Cynthia had softened his edges a bit and made him feel normal for the first time in days when Ryder appeared at his door.
“Ah, I thought I saw you walk past my office, Brian.” Mr. Ryder’s eyes gleamed with enthusiasm. “Glad to see whatever had you away is taken care of now.”
Ryder’s lack of interest in his employee’s lives had never bothered Brian before. In fact, he had loved it. But, right now, fresh off a three-day stint at the hospital with little to no sleep, Brian was irritated by it.
“My partner isn’t going to die. Thanks so much for the concern, Ryder.” Brian seethed and gave his boss the kind of glare he reserved mostly for his interactions with his mother.
“Liberty Air will be here for the sit-down meeting with us in about 20 minutes. Where are we at with getting the mockups situated?” Ryder chose to ignore Brian’s statement.
Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and dispelled any thoughts he had of Justin. He needed to focus if he had any hope of keeping his job. Ryder was an understanding man, to a point, but if Brian fumbled the play with Liberty Air, one of their biggest clients, he would be packing his things.
“The art department said they would have a new mockup in your hand within ten minutes.” Cynthia addressed Brian directly, who in turn gave Ryder a look, essentially dismissing him.
Ryder left Brian’s office in a huff, saying he would see Brian at the client meeting shortly.
“So, when exactly am I supposed to see these mockups?” Brian leaned his head against his hands.
“Right now,” Came a voice from the doorway. Brian looked up and laid eyes on the head of the Ryder art department, Mitch.
“Thanks, Mitch.” Brian got up and met the man at the door to go over what he presented. “Can we quickly change the size of the font to be one size bigger? Otherwise, this looks exactly like what the customer is looking for.”
Mitch nodded, and in a flash, he was gone once more, down the hall toward his shared working space.
“I would rather eat nails than do this customer meeting right now,” Brian admitted to Cynthia. Of all the people in his professional life, Brian trusted no one like he trusted Cynthia. She always called him on his bullshit and kept him from burning the candle at both ends sometimes.
“I think Ryder is worried,” Cynthia whispered conspiratorially. “Rumor has it he’s trying to sell the company and is worried that if we lose any of our current clients, no one will bite.”
“Why is he looking to sell?” Brian asked her, finally starting in on his overflowing inbox. The start of a stress headache already forming.
“Not sure, but I’ll bet my money on money and retirement.” Cynthia handed Brian two ibuprofen before giving him a wink and walking out the door.
Over the next 6 hours, Brian flitted from his meeting with Liberty Air, which he managed to smooth over any bumps, to working on all the other client work that had piled up during his time off. He didn’t even look at the clock again until Cynthia knocked on his door. She was on her way out for the night and had wanted to check on him as well.
“Oh fuck. I didn’t realize how late it was.” Brian responded when a glance at the clock on his computer told him it was a quarter to 8 already. “Yeah, I’m leaving too.”
He got up, flipped off his computer, gathered up his client files, and put them in a pile to be handled tomorrow. Then he grabbed his coat and followed Cynthia out the door.
“You going to see Justin?” Cynthia asked him with a knowing look.
“I am going to call his mom and check how he’s doing. Then I am going to go home and sleep.” Brian admitted. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Justin. It’s just that he needed to be well-rested for work the next day, considering all he needed to catch up on.
“If you say so.” Cynthia’s words held weight, and Brian felt guilty for not feeling bad about his decision.
“I just spent three days straight sitting at his bedside. He’ll be fine without me for one night.” Brian scoffed as he left her in favor of climbing in his own Jeep. He rolled down the window and added, “See you tomorrow, Cynthia.”
Brian did go home and shower like he had told Cynthia he was going to do, but he didn’t go to sleep. At least not right away. Instead, he chatted with a stranger in a chat room and invited the guy over for some fun. He lay in his bed and let the guy suck him off while he smoked a cigarette and tried not to think about Justin and what had happened. He needed this release, or else he would go completely insane.
They never exchanged names or numbers, and if Brian was being completely honest with himself, he hadn’t even given the guy a once over. He had a need that needed to be taken care of; it was his way of coping with all the emotions currently coursing through his mind. It wasn’t necessary to know who was providing the service.
After that, true to his word, he slept for a solid 8 hours.
*****
In fact, Brian didn’t have time to make it back to visit Justin until Saturday afternoon, three days after he left to go handle his work emergency. He’d forgotten how all-consuming his job could be sometimes. Despite not making it to see Justin during normal visiting hours, all that he was allowed now that he was on a regular floor, Brian had called Jennifer every day to check in and relay to her his message of care and encouragement for Justin. He felt bad having not been to see the kid for three whole days that he brought him a gift. It wasn’t much, just a silly little stuffed frog wearing a shirt with sunshine and a rainbow on it that he’d found at the gift shop, but still, it was more than he’d ever done for someone else before.
“Did you talk to my mom yet today?” Justin smiled at Brian as he handed the teen the stuffed frog.
“Nah. I figured I’d be seeing you. I didn’t need to.” Brian plopped down in the chair next to the bed, “Why?”
“I’m getting released tomorrow. I still have to do in-patient rehab at a specialty care facility, but no more hospital.” Justin was so excited Brian didn’t have the heart to remind him that the rehab center would probably be very similar to the hospital.
“That’s great. See, you’ll be back to earning tips at the diner in no time.” Brian smirked. “And putting Warhol to shame in the art studio at PIFA.”
“I doubt it.” Justin’s mood dipped at the mention of art. “My rehab therapist said I’ll be lucky if I regain 80% function in my hand.”
“The way I see it, that’s still a passing grade. Besides, I doubt you’ll give up at a measly 80%.” Brian winked at Justin and patted his thigh fondly.
“I don’t know what I’m going to do if I can’t ever draw again.” Justin acted as though he didn’t even hear what Brian had said.
“Justin,” Brian nudged the teen until he made eye contact with him. “Doctors always downplay things to keep themselves free of a lawsuit. They say things like you’ll never walk again, talk again, or draw again so that when you do, you’ll think they worked a miracle, and they can charge you an arm and a leg.”
“Trust me, you’re going to draw again. Don’t listen to his bullshit.”