Archive of Our Own

Your name is Jake English and, perhaps in the biggest display of cowardice this century has seen yet, you’ve disappeared off the face of Earth C… For a few days, anyway. You’ve had to get your hands on a last minute camping kit for your impromptu mountain escapade, as the perfectly usable tent you possessed is currently stashed away somewhere at your boyfriend’s… And it’s not like you could have just waltzed in there to retrieve it, right? Not after the radio silence on your side.

As you stuff yourself silly with roasted marshmallows that taste like sugared sadness, you find your head filled with thoughts of him. He’ll probably be on your hair the minute he catches on just how far you’ve run this time, so you’re sort of sitting in the cold. Waiting.

Weird, isn’t it. Even when you’re shying away from his attention, it’s like his attention is all you want.

You’re not even sure what did it this time, the hypothetical moving in? Or perhaps it’s the fact that all your other espoused friends are starting to settle down around you, having big talks about the future, tying the knot or—even worse—spawning offspring like they’re cooking up a Return to Never Land of their own… Blood-curdling, really. Biology and blood kin have been a big part of your journey and there’s no denying it, but this kind of cereal packet family normalcy is truly beyond you.

You wonder what Dirk even thinks of that. You think you both might be at odds with fatherhood as a direct consequence of birthing uncomfortably physical Dirk splinters (in two separate counts, no less!), but you’re pretty sure actual progenitorship doesn’t involve coming face to face with your very sense of self… And especially not in the shape of literal bits and pieces of you and your significant other meshed together in one big therapy seeking monstrosity. Although… Doesn’t it, in a way?

So what you’re saying is that you’re scared shirtless, but this is hardly news.

The night falls deeper and darker around you and you find yourself glancing over your phone, growing anxious at the peace and quiet you’ve quite literally gone to the end of the earth for. Seeing as your mind doesn’t seem too keen on giving you a break, you decide to call it a day early.

The sleeping bag is cold and nice on your skin, until it isn’t. You come out of your cocoon of self inflicted misery and soon enough you’ve become food for a scourge of mosquitoes. You should have brought some bug repellent with you, but the allure of alcohol was apparently stronger than any practical utilities when you packed.

…

No. Not tonight, you tell yourself as your fingers grace a Jack Daniel’s.

Next morning you almost feel well-adjusted. You survived the first night and you managed not to cry yourself to sleep or get soused to the eyeballs! If only Dirk could see you now…

The warm sun makes it so that your mood stays cheery throughout the day. You go hiking and follow the trickling of a stream, nature is most gratifying when there isn’t the threat of violence looming over you. No alien beasts or murderous robots can get you here (only regular bears), so you get to play the adventurer without the fear of actually getting mauled to death. Which is… refreshing, for a change.

Things get uglier for your mind when the sun sets the cold. Sure, for the fraction of a second you get to look up to the twinkling stars and find comfort in your cosmic insignificance, but the illusion proves hard to maintain when you’re a literal god and your phone keeps vibrating with messages and missed calls. All eyes and ears on you.

Jane wrote. Roxy wrote. The PIDPP producers wrote. Skaianet wrote. Every gossip reporter on Earth C (and their mother) wrote…

But still nothing from Dirk.

An easy break up, some silence… It’s exactly what you wanted, isn’t it?

Maybe your absence will rekindle everyone’s adoration for you. And that, that will surely show him.

You retreat to the safety of your tent for the night, comic book and Jack and Coke in hand because sometimes even you get tired of your ritzy charade. You let yourself re-read the same four action-focused panels you’ve been failing to process for the past hour, until you can’t take it anymore; your eyes sting and you’re starting to realize Dirk has long won this round.

You fish your phone out of your pocket and swipe every notification out of existence. You scroll through a familiar wall of text where words like “space” and “time” aren’t scarce. It bleeds orange in your absence of green.

Dirk’s last message to you before the total blackout was a simple:

TT: Jake, I’m getting tired of this.

And true to his words, it seems like he’s given you up.

This time you do allow a tear to burn its way down your cheek and into your plastic cup. You snort; there truly might not be anyone more pathetic than you.

Third day and counting, your phone is now on silent mode.

By mid morning you’ve already summited a mountain and felt all sorts of small. You float up to the clouds to be further engulfed by the vastness of the forest. From the heights it feels as though nothing can’t get you. Commitment, bad days, good days, a shared future, the daunting likelihood of an ending or a new start… They’re easy to lose sight of in the sea of fog and green.

… Except some trees have already begun changing colors, little dots of orange that stab at the guilt in your heart.

He’s everywhere and has been for the longest time.

So what can you do, but run?

You drop from the sky, screaming your lungs out and laughing maniacally as you do. A sweet, sweet (and long needed) rush of adrenaline. People that have described you as ‘bizarre’ before would have a field day witnessing this moment.

But you don’t care.

You catch yourself before you splatter on the rocks below, of course. You’re not that far off the wall.

“Whew, that was… something,” You tell yourself. And off you go on your merry way, like nothing happened, onto the next adventure.

It’s been a long time since you’ve gotten to play the intrepid adventurer, so there’s somewhat of a childish glee in every turn you take and every jump you make. You even give yourself the respite of being extremely silly about it; dodging for cover and rolling on the moss, followed by imaginary dangers, and climbing tall rocks and sitting on trees like you’re both prince charming and the damsel in distress. It feels good. It feels right.

For the duration of the hike back to your tent you get to revisit a simpler time. Back home you knew this kind of safety… Or you did before grandma Jade died a horrible death, leaving you to fend off the monsters and live in solitude, adventure suddenly a chore rather than a thrill.

No, that isn’t quite right. You got to partake in exciting campaigns with your friends later on in life. With Jane, Roxy, the beta kids, all those trolls and most notably… Dirk.

… And down the rabbit hole you go plummeting again.

The good—goodish old days with him, those first months dating… Oh, the adventures and mischief you both got yourselves up to on LOMAX and LOTAK! How fondly you recall the spelunking, the long talks, the novel first signs of affection…

Sure, Dirk was all over you with his—then uncanny, now familiar—neediness, and sometimes it admittedly made you want to scream and rip your skin off (as it still does). But your heart didn’t only beat faster out of frustration then (as it doesn’t now); after all, to this day he hoards most of your firsts.

Your—in hindsight—not very good first kisses, holding hands and discovering each other under your clothes, sleeping in the safety and warmth of each other’s arms for the first time… Your first break up and the subsequent fights and get-togethers…

It’s been twice the lifetime of firsts, truly.

But above any undersocialized teen awkwardness you might have shared always has been the exhilaration of knowing he’s got you every step (or misstep) of the way. You’ve been caught up in Mr. & Mrs. Smith style back to back fights more times than you can count, but you’re aware what you two have goes beyond that physicality. Dirk’s been the sword and the wall behind you, the sea stack that threatens to sink you and the lighthouse guiding you away from it. And there’s a certain bitterness that comes with that, but you know it’s his way of being involved and being present.

You know all this for a fact, yet time and time again you’ve chosen to disengage with him completely when things get minimally overwhelming. Confrontation is a scary thing, so you go along with him until it’s too much, at which point you just leave. No heads up or anything, you just take your stuff and disappear in an all too familiar vanishing act.

The thing is… Dirk usually waits it out or stands his ground until you’re inevitably pulled back into his life, so it never really is your choice to make. But now… Now that every option is laid bare in front of you and he’s silent, you realize you’d go back to him in the blink of an eye if only he asked.

What were you expecting? To be followed to the confines of this world? What a selfish existence you lead, playing hard to catch, yet hoping he won’t stop chasing until he reels you back.

How frustrating it must be for Dirk. You think you might be starting to understand him in ways you hadn’t previously.

Once you’re in your tent, you sink into your sleeping bag, holding your phone close to your heart and hoping that your companionless sleep will give you even the tiniest shred of courage to break the silence.

…

Hours later, when the blackness of the night gets unbearable, you find it in yourself to do something.

GT: Dirk?

You call out in the dark. But he doesn’t answer and you drowse off well into the morning.

Your Puer aeternus fantasy from the previous day threatens to shatter the longer the hours draw out, and with them all the joy you experienced playing the lost boy in the forest. You’ve been out here for four days, but instead of escaping your problems, it’s as if you’ve gone on a long weekend with them.

So basically, you’ve achieved nothing and are merely dragging out the inevitable by being a spineless bastard.

This time around there is no Erisolsprite to distract you and listen to the troubles in your heart, so you can only let the frustration fester like a sore.

You try to watch a movie on your phone and you get the more enraged at the Universe when it repeatedly fails to enter full screen. The Seventh Art wasn't made for tiny mobile devices, for God's sake! This madness should have died with the old world…

Okay, maybe you'll try your luck with Dirk again, after all.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 12:14

GT: I know its a lot to ask but could we perhaps talk this through dirk?
GT: Or just talk at all even if its just some pleasantries or you kindly telling me to go eat shit and die?
GT: Cross my heart i would drop by your place to discuss this in person but theres this little logistic problem with… Well. Me being in the arse end of nowhere! No. Really. Im so out in the willy-wags i think we may not even have named this patch of land yet!
GT: And you know me old boy. Nothing screams adventure more than the prospect of getting bit by disease carrying mosquitoes the size of your head…!
GT: Uh. Not that im visiting with entomology in mind of course. I never had that sort of interest.
GT: Um. Yikes.
GT: Anyhow! Do let me know if youre up for some virtual clishmaclaver because it seems you may not be online as much these days? Hah! Or you could be purposefully ignoring me but i would like not to hippety hop the gun for once.
GT: *Stashes firearms safely away.*

Unsurprisingly that doesn’t seem to do it either. You let some minutes pass like you're taking heed of your own affirmation, but it couldn't be any more obvious that your boyfriend—or, you know, situationship—is not going near your pesterlog with a ten-foot pole.

Ouch.

GT: I mean a fella would understand if you werent gung ho about said fella reaching out so casually after all thats gone down but he would probably still deserve a fair trial with all the facts… Right?
GT: By jingo i dont mean to trivialize my gaucherie in all this dating hiatus business because im guilty as they come but id still like you to hear me out maybe?
GT: I realize i havent been too normal about anything up to this point but im ready to talk… when you are.

You continue to plead your case, only with surface level excuses because you don’t feel ready for an apology. It’s not even out of pride, you’ve never been great at acknowledging your faults.

A few eternal hours go by. You lie on your sleeping bag the whole time.

GT: … Isnt that what you wanted? To talk?
GT: It cant be that you blocked me?
GT: No. Thats too unlike you…

You start pacing around when it feels as though you’re going to get leg cramps, but the anxiety swarms about your body in hardened knots.

GT: Then again i guess getting insistent like this is also pretty unlike me huh. Such are the vicissitudes of life…
GT: … No dice i see. You simply arent checking pesterchum.

The clock on your wrist seems to become as heavy as a grandfather clock as the minutes… then the hours, tick away.

GT: Please say something if you can read me. Just a hey will do.
GT: Or a far more eloquent “fuck off”.
GT: Would work darn fine for me too…

Ah. Now that the day has almost gone by and there’s only green that reeks of desperation in the chatroom you’re starting to get it; the pain that comes with your messages falling on deaf ears, the creeping fear that nothing you say is going to be good enough to get an answer out of Dirk.

It itches worse than the mosquito bites all over your legs and arms.

At this point it would almost be poetic if you were right about mosquito-borne diseases, of all things. Almost. Whatever, it’s not like that could kill you dead.

You don't think so, anyway.

GT: Um. Truth is im starting to harbor the suspicion that you might not want anything to do with me anymore?
GT: I get it if thats the case.
GT: Completely.
GT: Its regretful that its come to this but i would understand.
GT: I suppose it would be nice to at least get a confirmation though.

… Nothing.

Another night has fallen and still nothing. You didn't even get to pretend to enjoy your freedom today. Instead, you’ve spent the entire day glued to your phone, barely leaving the confines of your campsite in hopes that it may be time to pack up and go home.

Back into his arms, the one home you shouldn’t have given up.

Now that is stupid. As if he’d welcome you back so easily.

…

In fairness, you do realize you're not tackling the problem and are instead getting dangerously guilt trippy, but somehow you can't stop yourself. You're in the wrong here, that much is obvious, but the lack of orange hurts more than you could have ever predicted.

You light a fire and stare into it for a couple (or more like several) hours before you attempt one last call to action. You wouldn’t exactly know because you’ve managed to get completely and utterly smashed, always the efficient drinker.

An empty bottle clatters by your feet and you text him again.

GT: Psht.
GT: Im serious, mind you. If you dont say a word ill back off.
GT: Honest to goodness dirk.
GT: I wont contact you again.
GT: Ill be gone.
GT: Gone from the consort kingdom.
GT: Gone from RIDPP.
GT: Gone from your life.
GT: …
GT: Gone gone.
GT: Hell i might even take a ship and bugger off into space for all anyone cares.

Even with your alcohol-induced brain fog, you’re shocked by the cruelty of your own words. You genuinely can’t believe you’d stoop so low for attention.

GT: Good grief what am i saying?
GT: Please forgive my temper… Im admittedly… not in my best faculties right now.
GT: It might sound like pure hogswallop but ive been drinking and its so quiet out here…
GT: So quiet…

Your phone pings unexpectedly. Orange text.

Your heart jumps, then drops. You feel like you’re going to be sick.

TT: You’re so unfair.
GT: Dirk! Oh dirk!
GT: Im so sorry!
GT: Your gaudy orange is a sight for sore eyes. Ive truly never known such relief in my entire life…
TT: …
TT: Honestly, Jake? Fuck right off.
TT: For real.
TT: What even is this, suicide bait?
TT: A threat?
TT: Just what do you want from me?
GT: Thats…
GT: Nothing of the like i swear.
GT: Even if you ask its not like i have the faintest idea what im doing. Not an inkling… Not the foggiest friggin idea why this keeps happening!!!
GT: But it felt like i had to be away from everything… It truly did.
GT: I had to go.
TT: What a load of crap, man. This doesn’t begin answering shit.
GT: Uh…
GT: Im aware. Yes.
GT: My noggin is a bit slow on the uptake at present so if youd just allow me a moment to explain…
TT: I’m not a monster, you know. If you’d told me that you were overwhelmed, I would have let you take some time off or whatever. Be my fucking guest. But leaving me to take the fall for you with our shared responsibilities? That’s a new kind of let down from you.
GT: Ay…
TT: What are you even trying to achieve here?
TT: No, really. Is this a PR stunt of some kind? A candid camera?
TT: Because I can’t tell what’s in it for you.
TT: It’s been months.
TT: Months, Jake. Plural.
GT: Gosh darn.
GT: I should have reached out sooner.
TT: No shit.
GT: But youre here and im reaching out now.
GT: … Right?
TT: So what, you expect me to come over and save the fucking day? Sure, man. Why don’t I tug you in, bring you a glass of hot milk and kiss you good night too, while I’m at it?
TT: I don’t even know where you are.
TT: Haven’t known for a while.

You re-read his words a couple of times, but you’re so far gone that the only recurring thought in your mind is how much you miss him. And that much, you let him know.

GT: …
GT: I miss you.
TT: Don’t you dare go there.
GT: But its the truth dirk… I do.
TT: No. It’s the attention you miss, Jake.
TT: And that shit ain’t gonna fly with me, anyway. Seriously. I’m so done with the pietistic lamb act that conveniently arises when you’re wasted and/or bitchless.
GT: I dont
GT: Thats not whats happening here!
TT: Dude, be real. You couldn’t be bothered to break up with me straight-from-the-shoulder and now the guilt is catching up, so it’s as good a time as any to text me.
TT: Again, after months of silence.
GT: Now cool your jets! Thats not true!
GT: I felt guilty about it from the start and breaking up is not what i was aiming for. I dont think…
GT: … Not deep down anyhow.
GT: Sure it crossed my mind a couple thousand times with how hastily everything was moving along but i couldnt have!!!
TT: Well, you heard it from him first, folks.
TT: The only thing holding him back was cowardice. By his own admission.
TT: Maybe I’ll do you a favor and break up with you myself.
TT: Someone’s gotta take the plunge first, right?
GT: Dirk.
GT: Look dirk. I didnt do right by you and im a frigging coward and a knobhead. We both know this. But even if i keep thrusting my entire foot square in my maw im trying to express remorse here.
GT: Youre simply (and if i may say dutifully) not letting me get there…
TT: I’m speechless, man. So that’s also on me?
GT: No its not?
GT: Thats what i mean!
GT: Youre right to be angry. Of course you are! I didnt think youd answer now of all times is all…
GT: You caught me with my pants down and my fingers in a till so to say… Why! Im drunk as a fiddler but all this was meant to be was a proper bonafide apology…
TT: Seriously?
TT: Let’s get this straight. You resorted to threats because I wasn’t answering (which let’s not forget was a retaliation to your ghosting) and when I show up because you’re beginning to sound alarmingly rash, it’s suddenly inconvenient for you?
TT: Like, forgive me if I’m being defensive here, but do you have the remotest idea how fucking worried I’ve been?

Yeah, you hadn’t really considered that. Despite the venom in his tone, your blood rushes to your heart and cheeks… He cares. He still cares.

GT: Im sorry alright?
GT: Im sorry about worrying you and im sorry about everything there is to be sorry about. All of it!
TT: Yeah, that’s a no from me, dog.
GT: But!
TT: Dude, be serious.
TT: As far as apologies go, saying you’re sorry about the misery of the world (as a general non accountable concept and not the specific liability that is you cutting me off without a word) might be the poorest of them all. Hollow as a dry bone, man.
TT: Dry as fuck.
GT: Well youve got a point.
GT: As usual.
TT: Buttering me up while being sarcastic might not be the power move you think it is either.
TT: Just saying.
GT: So what words do i have to say? What is the right thing to say so youll listen?
GT: For the life of me i cant puzzle it out…
TT: That’s not something for me to figure out.
GT: *Sighs.*
TT: It’s never you, is it? It’s always “I needed to be away” or “I seem to be sozzled out of my mind” or “You’re not letting me speak”. Well, help yourself then. Explain yourself away.
TT: I’m all ears.
GT: I dont think i can dirk.
GT: Not with this consarned headache trying to split my cranium in half…
TT: Way to illustrate the point.
GT: No… You misunderstand me.
GT: Its because i know i will just aggravate things if i keep talking. Its because being by myself has been so lonesome that im bound to put my foot in it no matter what i really want to say!
GT: And i
GT: Why hedge our fucking bets i recognize its me! I left your texts unanswered and you to rot (for months apparently). I threw a wobbly when i realized you wouldnt chase after me and now that youre here its like i havent run far enough down the clock!
GT: Dont i know it well enough? That i escaped all my responsibilities along with you? That i abused my societal status and everyones kindness and trust?
GT: That ive been playing the fool for so long even i fell for it in the end?
GT: That despite the dishonesty i never ever stopped being a spoiled child with a fear of emotional closeness and a non existent sense of duty?
GT: How could i not know?
GT: Im a wreckage and a good for nothing and the truth is im not sure i can be any other way!
GT: There. I said it.
TT: Dude…
GT: Youre on the button you know. I resorted to threats because deep down i was certain it would take the rise out of you. Its as underhanded as it appears.
GT: But the possibility of a face off happening so soon? I didnt think that far ahead! No sir! My minds too hazy for excuses and youre too sharp to fall for a pantomime like this anyway.
GT: So what do i do dirk?
GT: What in gods name is left for me to do?
GT: Leaving was a mistake and i had to go and compound the problem. Because thats what i do isnt it?
TT: I’m not joining this pity party, man.
TT: Like, good for you that you’re crossing that threshold of self awareness out there in Buttfuck Nowheresville (if you’re not playing me for a sucker to start with), but I’m really not in the mood to indulge.

You close your eyes for a minute. You had a feeling spilling your heart out wouldn't be enough, but the drunkenness is weighing you down, relentless. Slurring your thoughts and making your admissions of guilt dissipate in the fog and become nothing.

The fire burns weaker, but still it flickers inside the empty bottle by your foldable chair like a bird in a cage… Like your heart in your fist.

Just what are you doing out here?

GT: Im scared.

You confess in a whisper.

TT: Of what, wild animals? You’re a God, bro, you’ll think of something.
GT: Im really scared of not getting through to you.
GT: Despite… everything. I cant afford to lose you…
TT: You’re really not going to leave a single card unpulled, huh.
TT: Guilt tripping, pity seeking, heartstring pulling…
TT: You’re eating right through that deck.
GT: Im being frank right now… You have to believe me…
TT: Right.
TT: Because you’ve given me a lot of reasons to do so.
GT: I know. Believe me. I KNOW.
GT: I see what ive done to you. See why youd think me insincere…
GT: It just blows hard because i wish nothing more than to make things right between us…
TT: I don’t even know what to say to that, bro. You have a funny way of showing it.

You try to answer, but are instead overtaken by an intense need to hurl.

You drop down to the ground and retch like you’re about to turn your body inside out and spit your very soul. It aches like all hell, but you only manage to dry-heave.

The discomfort unfortunately stays with you even as you climb back to your chair.

GT: Thats exactly why i need to talk to you!
GT: Oh god.
GT: For crying out loud i think im going to be

You’re brought down to your knees before you get to finish the sentence, still incapable of letting it out.

TT: Jake?

Your brain is pounding with nausea, yet the only thing in your mind is getting back to Dirk. He won’t know what you’re going through if you don’t tell him.

GT: Ughhhhhhhnnnnn nnnnfffffffffffffffffffff
GT: Fffh
GT: H
TT: Yeah.
TT: My thoughts exactly.
GT: No.
GT: Its the sickness…
GT: I need to clear my head.
TT: What sickness?
GT: … Theres a river.
TT: What the fuck are you saying?
GT: I need to get there.
TT: ???
TT: To the river? At three a.m.?

You prop yourself up and stagger in the direction you think the river is. There’s a sourness in your tongue that won’t go away.

TT: Just what are you doing, man?
TT: Is it a wave of nausea?
TT: That or you’re straight up hallucinating.
GT: Hmmmmmmmm.
GT: I couldve sworn there was one nearby?
GT: I reckon a quick dunk could do me a favor or two. I feel… dreadful.
TT: Fucking hell.
TT: Don’t go near any body of water in your state, alright? You’re going to end up drowned.
GT: No im good. Itll be like a mikvah.
GT: It was quite the shallow stream too if my eyes didnt deceive me…
GT: Which is to say!
GT: Even if i managed to go under i would spring back to life id ipsum.
TT: Ipso facto.
TT: You mean ipso facto, you idiot.
TT: But for real. Stop that.
GT: No no. Trust me. Theres no way thatd be a karmic death.
TT: Jake.
GT: Ay caramba! Let me be dirk!
GT: Im sober enough!
TT: I thought you were until, like, two seconds ago. But now I'm not so sure.
TT: Seriously. Don’t go wandering anywhere.
GT: Look
GT: Its all good.
GT: See?
GT: It’s riiiiight…
GT: There.

You try to reassure Dirk with what you think is a picture of the path leading to the water… But what it really is, is a blurry picture of your finger against the blackness of the night.

TT: That’s…
TT: I can't see shit, but I’m 99% sure that’s no river.
GT: No. It is.
GT: I remember these rocks.
TT: Oh. He remembers those rocks.
TT: Real reassuring.

You send another picture as proof you know your bearings, fairly sure that this time you’re properly focusing on the rocks in front of you, which—to your credit—are actually the ones you followed on your previous hikes.

The video (yes, video) you send tells a different story. Your unfocused eyes grace the camera for the fraction of a second, then your chin makes a guest appearance in all its unshaven glory. In the background you can be clearly heard mumbling to yourself like a madman, only accompanied by the howling wind and the leaves crunching under your boots.

TT: Holy fucking shit, you’re totally wasted.
TT: Just listen to me for once. Okay?
GT: Righty-ho.
GT: Ive been listening the whole time though…
TT: What you’re going to do is as follows:
TT: You're going to give up the expedition, you’re going to head back to wherever you were texting me from and you’re going to leave me on dial.
TT: Then you’re going to drink some water and you’re going to get yourself to bed. Hear?
TT: That’s what you’re going to do.
GT: Hm.
TT: Can you do that for me, Jake?
GT: I dont know. Im not sold.
TT: Holy fuck.
GT: I dont know how i sound.
GT: Dont want you to hear.
TT: Dude, who fucking cares. I already heard your drunken babbling just now.
TT: You’re worrying me.
GT: Its fine!
TT: It’s most definitely and by every possible definition of the word not “fine”.
GT: Im heading back to the tent as we speak so dont worry about a thing.
TT: Okay. Great.
TT: Keep texting.
GT: Um.
GT: Alright.
GT: Im… walking.
GT: Walking.
GT: Still walking.
GT: … Walking.
GT: Walking.
TT: Okay, I get it. No need to be a wiseguy about it.
TT: Are you close now?
GT: I would say so.
GT: Almost there…
GT: Yes!
GT: I see the burning fire!
TT: Fire?
TT: What do you mean fire?
TT: Are you losing it on me?
GT: No! Its a literal fire!
GT: The campfire in front of my tent SPECIFICALLY!
TT: You left a fire unattended?
GT: Calm your knockers bro…
GT: Youre REALLY starting to freak me out here!
TT: Oh yeah? I’m freaking you out?
TT: Wait until I get my hands on you. See if I make it just.
GT: *Siiiiiiighs.*
GT: Alls well.
GT: Im home. I didnt drown. Didnt start a fire.
GT: Id say im good.
GT: Dirk???
TT: Yeah. I’m still here.
GT: Relieved now?
TT: Not yet.
TT: Show me the tent.
GT: Aw come on!
TT: Show me. The fucking. Tent. Jake.
GT: But whyyy!
TT: I want to know for sure.
GT: Phooey! FINE!!!
GT: Look here.
GT: My tent.
GT: Like what you see?

The tent makes it into the shot, barely

TT: You bought a new one.
GT: Well you dont say. I didnt want to take any chances running into you…
TT: …
GT: … Im sorry.
TT: Don’t sweat it.
GT: No. I mean it. Im so sorry.
TT: At least you had the guts to say it to my face.
TT: Could have used that forthrightness a month ago. But I’ll take it.
GT: No…
GT: But that was before! Things are different now!!!
GT: I really really want to face you!
GT: And i really really REALLY regret buying a new tent…
TT: Right.
TT: Just get some fucking sleep.
GT: But we didnt get to parley…
GT: Not really…
TT: Are we pirates now?
GT: I honest to god meant to apologize comprehensively and not throw blame around…
TT: Okay, well. Failed step one.
TT: Try again when you’re sober.
GT: When im sober… Tomorrow?
TT: If you’ve managed to not be tanked long enough to speak like a person… By all means.
GT: … You promise?
TT: Sure. Whatever.
GT: Promise youll reply?
TT: You have some fucking nerve asking that of me, bro. It’s not cute.
GT: Okay but type it?
TT: … I promise.
GT: Youll let me explain?
TT: Like I just said. Yes.
GT: And youll try to understand?
TT: That… depends entirely on what you tell me.
TT: Don’t push your luck.
GT: Thats… reasonable.
GT: Fair.
GT: Completely fair actually.
TT: If you got your head out of your ass for a minute you’d find I’ve been pretty reasonable all along.
GT: I think its in my best interest to agree with you on that one so i will.
TT: Fuck around, find out.
GT: Okay.
GT: Im going to hit the hay.
GT: Officially.
TT: Not without putting that fire out, I hope.
GT: Of course. Who do you take me for? Ill have you know i take my camping safety very seriously…

Dirk can’t see you scramble to extinguish the fire, but you’re fairly certain he knows. He always knows.

TT: Guess that’s that.
GT: I guess it is!
TT: How about that hay?
GT: Im hitting it as we speak!
GT: Scouts honor. Im going to impinge on that hay so harshly itll leave a mark.
TT: Hmph.
TT: That dried grass? It never stood a chance.
GT: Daaamn right mister.

Your heart swells. Dirk horsing around with you despite his anger feels like a warm hand on your face.

TT: Call me if anything happens.
GT: I will. Ill call.
GT: Or rather… I dont think i will. Which is to say i wont. But thank you for the generous offer.
TT: Jake. It doesn’t have to be me.
TT: But if it gets bad-bad, call someone.
GT: Dont get in a fluster im just a liiiittle plastered.
TT: You’re plastered, unstable as shit and away from civilization. Apparently.
TT: That makes at least three possible deaths.
GT: Moonshine!
GT: Im perfectly safe and ive survived worse.
GT: And for your information youre wrong.
TT: ?
GT: It does have to be you.
TT: Dumbass, that’s not what I meant.
GT: But i do.
GT: Its because it has to be you that i cant seem to clean up my act…
TT: Well, sleep on it then.
GT: Right…
GT: I think i will.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 4:25

Dirk wraps up without another word, but you can’t seem to let go. Not without knowing this one thing for certain…

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 4:26

GT: I know were supposed to be done for the day but…
GT: Dirk do you like me still?
TT: You really are a pain in the ass.
TT: In the unsexiest fucking sense known to man.
TT: … Can we not?
TT: Whatever new front you’re trying to open here. Can we just not?
GT: Sheesh. I figured.
TT: You didn't figure shit. Come on now, go to bed. I'm not professing my unconditional love to a guy who might pass out on me any second now.
GT: Id prefer you would…
GT: To be sure?
TT: Kind of skewed that it’s you doing the asking, don’t you think?
GT: Huh?
TT: It wasn't me who gave you the slip, Jake. I've been here the whole time.
GT: Youch…
TT: Yeah.
GT: Erm. That being the case i do!
GT: I fancy you…
GT: Lots and lots.
GT: Good night dirk…

golgothasTerror [GT] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 4:30

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 4:31

TT: Good night.
TT: I love you too.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 4:31

You drink some water and get to bed as instructed, you’re so drowsy you could fall asleep any second now… But you don’t. Your heart is thumping fast, then slow and the relief you just felt at Dirk’s profession of love is instantly replaced with dread.

He loves you, but you already knew that! What does it even change in the grand order of things, anyway?

It doesn’t change that it’s you who escaped him, that it’s you who couldn’t verbalize why… And that it’s you who’d do it all over again.

You let your tears collect and get cold at the sides of your eyes as your mind becomes momentarily lucid. Grim as the thought is, maybe the most loving thing you could do for Dirk—but aren’t brave enough to—is to let him go. Or rather, to let him let go. You know it’d be painful for a while, of course it would, it’d probably break him. But the heartache you’re causing him with all the incertitude is just as punishing in the long term.

Didn’t he suggest it himself earlier tonight? To break up? You don’t think he was only saying that.

You snort, it always goes like this. This entire time you’ve been taking the passive route and embracing the comfort of Dirk having the final say on your relationship status. Always pressuring him to take the initiative so that it doesn't have to be you.

The truth is breaking up has never been truly final before and it has never felt like a favor… Until now. You can’t imagine a future without Dirk, but neither can you one where the two of you are tied down by promises of eternity or new life.

You’re barely cut out to be a boyfriend, how could you ever step up and be a good husband or a father? All your friends seem to have gotten around it, but you’re not like them. Call it Peter Pan syndrome or plain old immaturity, but the child inside you never left and at this point you’re not sure if it will. With immortality time becomes relative, but you think Peter Pan might have been onto something when he said that little boys shouldn’t be sent to bed as they always wake up a day older.

You don’t want to wake up even a second older if it means accepting the burdens that come with growing up. Dirk knows a thing or two about sacrifice, so he’ll be fine… But you? You’re dragging your feet behind him. And this much you can admit to yourself; deep down you don’t plan on catching up.

… Why should you? If time doesn’t matter, you might as well relive the boyhood you didn’t get to have for eternity. Indulge, indulge, until you wear the guilt or yourself out.

With the sadness of a childhood love that might go sour with age nested on your chest, you finally succumb to sleep.

You’re awoken by the chirping of birds and the feeling of a thousand hammers making a mess of your brain. Ah, nothing like a hangover! You feel up your surroundings for a bottle of water and gulp it down like your life depends on it… Which. in fairness, is probably the case.

You unzip your tent and stare off into the distance for an indefinite while. You don’t remember crying your heart out, but the tightness in your chest and the puffiness of your eyes tell you that you might have in your sleep.

Pitiful, but at this point pity and Jake English might be synonymous.

Well, time to stop spacing out, you’ve got a boyfriend to appease to. After all, you did badger him with the promise of an honest talk and it’s already 13:00.

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] at 13:12

GT: Morning?
TT: Rise and shine. I was starting to think you wouldn’t show up.
GT: Well here i am! Got a serious case of the drunken willies but i said id be here and here i am.
TT: How honorable.
GT: I might not have the credibility to vouch for it but the worth of a man lays in his word dirk!
TT: Right. Totally.
TT: (You should drink some water by the way).
GT: (I did already).
GT: But enough dilly-dallying! You and i need to talk.
TT: Sure. Take the floor.
GT: Um…
GT: Huzzah.
GT: Im not sure i can dive into the whys and wherefores of my actions without it sounding like cock and bull but thats probably the only way i can make a case for myself so…
GT: Allow me to try.
TT: Alright.
TT: I’m taking my judgemental boyfriend shades off.
TT: Let’s hear it.
GT: Youre… a lot dirk.
TT: … Uh-huh.
GT: And it scares me because sometimes it feels safe but others it gets too much to handle.
GT: Dont get me wrong the way you are is just fine.
GT: More than fine! Youre an exceptional fella and a pretty darn decent paramour (You know. When im not too busy vamoosing). Moreover i dont suppose i could achieve this level of communion with anyone else. So what im saying is i simply couldnt be luckier having shared the quarter of a quarter of immortality with you! I do mean that!
TT: But?
GT: But if im already like this when its just the two of us…
GT: If showing up is already this hard…
GT: How could i ever be trusted with any responsibility? Exchanging vows, rasing a child… Im afraid itd be too daunting of a task as things are…
TT: Whoa.
TT: Hold up.
TT: Hold on.
TT: What the
TT: Okay, wow. That took the most unexpected turn, man. Let me just

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:21

Dirk logs off before you get to sputter any more bullshit, but he’s back not even a full minute later.

Maybe he just needed to punch a wall real quick.

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 13:22

TT: Alright. It’s fine. I’m fine.
TT: I don’t understand why we’re here, but we might as well clear the air.
TT: Who said anything about marriage OR kids?
GT: Um… Well.
GT: The way things were looking i assumed…
TT: You assumed.
TT: You “assumed” us moving together must mean pledging the troth and getting knocked up on the spot.
GT: Uhhh.
TT: And that logic somehow checked out in your mind.
GT: Huh. So it was all in my head after all hahahah! Well isnt that silly! What even is the point of all of this boondoggle then? It seems i might have completely and royally misinterpreted just about… every single thing leading up to this moment!
GT: Haha!
GT: Hahahahahaha, hoo boy. Wow. *is convulsed by laughter.*
GT: *And possibly a stress induced cerebral aneurysm.*
GT: …
GT: Is it too late to perhaps pass this entire thing over without a word…?
TT: Dude, you can’t just drop the baby bomb on me, have a mental breakdown and call it quits.
TT: Actually hold on.
TT: You mean to tell me the ghosting was you flying the coop over a marriage proposal that never even happened?
GT: Flying would be a bit of a stretch… It was more of a hike. But i suppose you could describe it that way…
TT: Do you hate it that much?
TT: The idea of getting serious with me?

The tone is once more highly charged, if it ever stopped making you feel on edge at all.

GT: What…
GT: You just said thats not whats going on!
TT: It’s not.
TT: I wasn’t about to get down on one knee or anything, I’m not sure I believe in the institution of marriage that strongly to begin with, but to see such a visceral reaction to even the possibility of it…
TT: Well, brother, let’s just say it doesn’t feel pretty.
GT: Its not that i hate *HATE* it…
GT: It just isnt for me. I think…
TT: I hear you.
TT: So I take it that living together is completely out the window then.
TT: If you making a run for it after I popped the question wasn’t enough to go by.
GT: No… I dont know about that…
GT: Its because i assumed it must be the preliminary to walking down the aisle that i went absolute friggin bananas… Maybe itd been a different story if i hadnt jumped the gun (or the entire armory for that matter)…
GT: Which is not an excuse! I swear!
TT: I’m not trying to get on your tits, Jake. I just want to understand what kind of future you see with me.
TT: … If you see one at all.
GT: Jesus dirk… What a field of inquiry so early in the morning…
TT: You’re the one who wanted to talk, so can you at least give me a straight answer?
GT: *Gulps audibly.* Ugggghhhhhhhh!
TT: Guess that answers that.
GT: … But i dont know the answer myself!!!
GT: Truth is just last night after our chat i started considering skedaddling right outta this predicament by putting the kibosh on… well. Us…
GT: Seemed like the only logical conclusion.
GT: But i havent fallen out of love with you dirk… so its hard.
TT: And if I was the one to end it? Would it be hard then?
TT: Because if we’re bidding our time, we might as well part ways now that it’s still civil between us.
TT: No hard feelings. If it’s all that’s left to do, I don’t mind being the bad guy.
GT: You want to break up…?

You can’t help asking. It can’t be that this is how it ends. Even if last night you were so sure you could go through with it. It can’t be how you lose him.

TT: At this stage of the game wanting or not wanting to is not where it’s at, Jake. These months not knowing what I did or if we were through got me thinking and the control freak in me realized it doesn’t even matter whether it was you or me. The only thing that matters is that it’ll keep happening.
TT: Be it tomorrow or in a year’s time, even if we put this specific thorn in our side on hold, we’ll be exactly where we are now. And you know that, you just said it’s the only logical course of action. It ends when we end it and not a second before that.
GT: Consarn it. That is so not what i expected or wanted to read.
GT: Maybe its selfish of me after putting you through hell but i dont want it to be over…
TT: Yet you left.
GT: I left because i was scared out of my wits about the future! It wasnt a rational decision!
TT: Then what do you want to happen? Genuinely.
GT: I want things to be like before…
TT: Before?
TT: Before when? The rose-tinted old days where we could pin it all on our raging teenage hormones?
TT: The good old days that are good on account of being in the past?
GT: Yes dirk. Those days when we were still kids!
GT: If im being entirely honest (which for what its worth i am) i miss them so much it physically hurts…
TT: I don’t know how to answer that. This moment too will be in the past in the blink of an eye. We can’t be children forever.

You know that. You know it better than anyone, yet…

GT: I dont think we got to be even once though…
GT: Not normal ones in any event.
TT: Ah. Normalcy.
TT: So this is how it plays out until the dawn of time?
TT: I corner you and you run away. Then we get back together and put a bandaid on the breach between us like it’s just a scratch. Like it’ll hold this time.
TT: Which it never does.
GT: I dont like the sound of that… No.
TT: Listen. This time it was a made up scenario in your mind, but it’s always something. Always some fucking baggage we’ve somehow failed to unpack.
GT: Im truly sorry for being so friggin complicated about you…
TT: In a way I’m to blame for that too. It’s what I do. Saddling people with unnecessary feelings. Suffocating them with a shitload of alters, each more obnoxious than the last. Filling the gaps until it’s just me taking up all the space.
GT: Dont say that!
TT: It’s not like I don’t get it.
TT: After all these years I’m still most scared of reverting to my old self, yet I miss how inconsequential things were between us before immortality came crashing down on us and changed the entire game forever.
TT: The scope of our world was so narrow that sticking together like gum and hair seemed only natural, maybe more so in my case. But we’re not living in that world anymore, are we? Just because it’s familiar, it doesn’t mean it’s our only option.
GT: But its safer with you than it will ever be with anyone else.
GT: Even if nothing is the same. Even if we cant do conventional adulthood like everyone else…
TT: Yeah, well. About that.
TT: It’s news to me that this was the trigger, but I’m right there with you, man. With our level of dysfunctionality it’s not like we could aspire to have that kind of lifestyle anyway.
GT: I think you could.
GT: I really do.
TT: But not with you. Is that what it amounts to?
GT: Argh. I dont know.
GT: I dont want to say that…
TT: I’m trying to give you some leeway here, Jake. But you keep hitting me with that “neither with you nor without you” mindset.
TT: You don’t want to officialize things in any way and refuse to make a future projection that actually involves me, but you don’t want me gone.
TT: What am I supposed to do about that?
GT: Of course i dont want you gone…
GT: But the thought of wasting your time is disquieting to say the least!
TT: I told you, man. I’m not looking to start a family. And I wasn’t when I asked you to move in with me.
TT: Maybe the sole idea is overbearing to you, but I needed a guarantee of commitment of some kind. A way of knowing you planned to stick around…
TT: Then the complete opposite happened, so if anything it seems to be me who’s holding you down to a compromise you never even had faith in.
TT: What I’m saying is: Fuck marriage. Fuck kids. I just can’t stand being a discardable fleshlight to you.
GT: Oh no no no no. Dirk! Thats NOT what you are to me!
GT: AT ALL!
GT: Jesus christ.
TT: It sounds pathetic, but fuck it. I stand by it.
TT: Before we even got here it was all work and casual hookups. We never made time for anything else.
TT: Was I naive to think moving together could fix that? Maybe. Did it leave us at an impasse? Most likely. Call it a delusion if you want, but I reasoned I’d take my chances with anything.
GT: Hold your horses!
GT: I never claimed to be a model boyfriend by any stretch but us not getting to spend as much time together doesnt mean i didnt (or dont!!!) want to get all lovey dovey with you. Or most pressingly that i dont cherish you!!!
GT: How to phrase this… Its not just about this or even you…
GT: Earlier you asked if i saw a future with you and thats the gist of it you know! I dont see a future at all!
GT: If i saw one youd be in it for sure but instead i live day by day because its the only way i know how to deal with myself!!!
TT: Yeah, I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean.

How to explain it…

GT: I want you to be my boyfriend! I want to be yours…
GT: But im also utterly and completely affrighted of maturity.
GT: And i dont mean that in a good old “fiddlesticks jake see how long you can avoid accountability before it bites you in the bum” way. I mean it in a “im painfully aware im not growing up to be the type of fully-grown adult everyone else has and im starting to think there might be something seriously wrong with me” type of way.
GT: But there never seems to be enough time to sort that out or address the elephant in the room so everything else piles up and becomes so much that i get incredibly RILED UP!!!
GT: I get riled up because i cant meet any deadlines and i cant accommodate anyone and i cant be honest and i cant be there OR MEET ANY EXPECTATIONS AT ALL!!!
GT: I hate it…
GT: I hate that no one trusts me with anything and i hate myself for proving you right every time…
TT: Shit.
TT: I guess I can see where you’re coming from.
TT: But wasn’t me wanting to live together just that? A sign of trust?
TT: I know it came out all messed up and that I may have been relying too much on peer pressure, but I was hoping you’d take it as a “hey, things haven’t been all that cool between us, but I want you to know I want you in my life regardless”.
TT: I trusted you.
GT: And i failed the test. Breaking development!
TT: It wasn’t a test. Calling it that is disingenuous to start with.
TT: Drill that into your head, Jake. This wasn’t some fucked up “gotcha” or a mind game. It wasn’t supposed to be me taking a moral high ground or teaching you a valuable life lesson. It was just me hoping we could survive a rough patch by sticking together.
TT: I know you have commitment issues, been knew, but you have to understand you’re giving me mixed signals here. You might have felt like I don’t put enough trust in you, I’m not questioning your reasons for that, but the moment I stop pushing or push too much you’re out the door.
TT: How do you think that makes me feel even if you say it’s not personal?
GT: I…
GT: I dont know if i can overcome the fight or flight instinct long enough to reassure you. I often wonder if i have it in me at all to give back the way you want me to…
TT: And what way is that?
TT: Because many expectations you’ve historically thought I had of you have been a gross mistranslation of what you thought you owed me. And contrary to popular belief, I don’t like to be owed.
TT: I don’t want you to move in with me as reparations for whatever thing you think you’ve done to slight me. I don’t want you to date me if it’s because you’re hung on returning a favor from the past.
TT: Marriage and kids are obviously out of the equation as things stand (and have stood for the past year), but even if they were the first two things on my bucket list, I wouldn’t want a future with any of those variables if you weren’t on board with it.
TT: I’m not that big of an asshole.
GT: Well isnt that the heart of the matter then?
GT: Before the conversation moves on i feel like i should say this though: I havent been seeing you to pay my dues and its frankly quite absurd that youd think like that! Maybe at the beginning i might have been happily going along with the tide but butter me up and call me a biscuit if it didn’t grow into an honest love!!!
GT: What im saying is if youre going to accuse me of being irresponsible at least see the accusation to the end. If my sense of responsibility is out of whack it really doesnt make sense for you to think indebtment is what got us together in the first place…
GT: I dont think THAT lowly of you and you shouldnt either.
GT: *Huffs.*
TT: … Okay. My bad?
GT: That would be the first rebuttal.
GT: The second would be that what youre describing is plain old self denial dirk… You just admitted to sacrificing your future projects to be with me… And that doesnt jive with a fella.
GT: I havent put the far-sightness you have into us and its unfair of me to egotistically keep you waiting on the off chance i might leave the never never land and become a partner you can trust…
TT: Dude, that’s bullshit.
TT: I thought we’d asserted I’m not trying to settle down.
GT: But youve considered it.
TT: I have considered many things in my life on account of having a brain that won’t quit it. Like, overthinking is kind of my whole thing, if you hadn’t noticed.
TT: It doesn’t mean I have to go through with every consideration I’ve ever had.
GT: I reckon that makes sense but…
TT: I thought between the two of us you were supposed to be the guy who lives in the carefree, cheerfully unconcerned present.
TT: I don’t get why you’re doing it, but it’s like you’re grasping at straws to push me away at this point.

You understand why he’d think that. You can’t let go, but you don’t feel like you deserve to be let off easy, so you play the devil’s advocate every turn you get. Like that’s what accountability is about.

GT: WHAT! No!
GT: Nothing further from the truth!
GT: Itd be quite beneficial for me if i could just say im sorry for running away and you forgave me and we got back together and continued to be… less final about the whole “being together” flimflam!
GT: By george i couldnt ask for an easier diacatholicon!
GT: But even if you say you dont want any of those silly little grown up things now…
GT: What about in a years time?
GT: What if i can NEVER give them to you?
TT: So we’re now officially submerged in the cookie-cutter family fantasy I keep telling you I'm NOT seriously thinking about.
TT: For real. We're knee deep in what if territory here. None of this is real.
GT: That doesnt mean it isnt worth discussing or being concerned about!
TT: Actually. Since we're cracking that melon of candid honesty open… Let me throw in my two cents.
TT: I don't think anything about my behavior pre ghosting could have possibly led to the conclusion you've decided to run with. What I do think is that you're relaying the pressure you've been feeling on me to justify your abhorrence for commitment.
TT: You don't actually care about my thoughts on coupledom and fatherhood. You need me to be the face of your inner struggle so that when the public eye inevitably starts to question why we aren't joining our godly entourage in the baby boom it'll be self-evident that we couldn't have made it work.
GT: Dirk…
TT: Am I wrong?
GT: Well the public opinion scares me but ending up in a bitter marriage with you is a far worse outcome no matter how you look at it!
TT: Good thing we're not getting married in the first place.
GT: Right…
GT: I do care about your thoughts. Let that be noted.
GT: If i seem over-particular about this or too keen on engaging in what aboutisms its because i dont want to disappoint you…
TT: There we go again. Making it all about me.
GT: Of course its about you! About as much as it is about me.
GT: Remember when you finally agreed to hold Vrissy in your arms for the first time? You might not know it but you had a look like you were immensely burdened then…

That image is forever burned into your retinas. Dirk holding Rose and Kanaya’s child all tense. The way he searched for your eyes with a blank expression that said too much to be blank. But you couldn’t figure out what it was that it was saying.

Fear was there, of course. Unfamiliarity too. But you thought you spied a hint of anticipation as well. A glimpse into a future you wouldn’t call your own.

TT: Yeah, I'm not known to be good with babies. How is that related to the case at hand?
GT: …
TT: Okay. I was shocked.
TT: Not because I wanted the same for us or because my ecto daughter who'd shown no interest in kids before had just showed up at my doorstep with a cute little bug baby in a basket (which is shocking on its own right, alright), but because I realized we'd gotten to that vital moment where some people tighten their compromise and hatch babies with the faces of people you know (gross).
TT: Everyone else was starting to, anyway.
TT: So, sure. I did wonder how that compromise could look like for us. I even considered if we might find ourselves with a baby Erisol or a baby Roxy Equius Strider-English junior of our own. But I didn't see myself, specifically, having any of that. The fear of poisoning a new life with my touch always weighed heavier than any curiosity I might have had (and I admit I had it).
TT: I've barely atoned for my ectokids or Hal, so it was as anxiety inducing as you’d expect to even consider a future where I might actually have to raise someone. Which I thought you must feel the same way about because things haven’t turned out that well for dad you in any reality either.
GT: Yeah…
TT: So if we’re going to point fingers: all this ever was, if anything, was an exercise of potentiality. When thinking about actual feasibility I quickly realized living together might be the more reasonable reciprocity level for us and I ran with that.
GT: So thats what you were thinking…
TT: Yeah.
TT: I didn’t know you noticed my silent mental break down with Vrissy, but there isn’t a grand baby making plan in the works and there never was. As far as I’m concerned we’re fine being the designated weird gay uncles for the foreseeable three thousand years.
TT: I mean it.

You feel relief wash over you at those words. Being the weird gay uncle seems well within your abilities. Not that you’ve ever been known to be normal.

GT: Whew.
GT: Thank god…
GT: Maybe im stating the obvious here but i short circuited too when everyone started with the parenting craze.
GT: The gap in maturity felt even wider you know?
TT: I know. Nothing like your circle having babies like they’re on clearance at Target to realize how behind you are.
GT: Couldnt have said it better…
TT: I don’t think any of our friends are free of struggles or dysfunctionality, though. If that’s worth anything.
TT: Jane is better at faking it, Roxy is better at winging it. But it doesn’t mean they are without issues.
GT: Haha. Are you trying to cheer me up?
TT: Hey, you’re a piece of shit and I’m fucking pissed, but now that I understand where you’re coming from a little better, I can at least say I understand.
GT: Well thank you for your frankness dirk…
GT: Maybe it is as you say and everyone else is stumbling into adulthood however they can. Maybe it wouldnt have been a federal friggin issue if it wasnt for societal standards you know.
TT: Being a baby in a big boy suit, you mean?
GT: Yes.
GT: Feeling like im losing a game im not sure im even playing.
GT: I mean! It irks me that where others have evolved were stuck in a vicious cycle of heartbreak. Why lie! But i kind of brought that down on myself by being a huge tool so…
TT: We’re always stuck in our old ways, aren’t we?
GT: Ostensibly.
GT: So… What now?
TT: I don’t have a clue, honestly.
TT: I don’t think we solved anything.
TT: All this self awareness doesn’t change the fact that you might head for the hills again.
TT: Not to mention I’m still butthurt at the way you’ve handled this from start to finish.
GT: Eeyouch.
GT: I really want to see you though…
GT: Compromise is still a touchy thing for me but i really want to hear your voice again.
TT: Says the guy who won’t call or text me.
GT: Its preposterous alright…
TT: You’re preposterous.
TT: I might be an idiot for this, but I want to see you too.
TT: Then again, I guess wanting to see you too intensely is what brought this whole mess about, so I’m unsure how to proceed.
GT: Mhm…
GT: … Would you still live with me now?

You surprise yourself asking. You think you might not be ready for an answer.

TT: Jake, we’re not doing make-up living together.
GT: Im just asking dag nab it…
TT: As things are? I wouldn’t. I’d rather just keep in touch.
GT: Because of what ive gone and done?
TT: Partly. But also because if we take a decision based purely on emotion it’ll be easier to get comfortable and not address everything else.
TT: You know. Your lack of commitment, my pushiness… Our expectations.
GT: Well. Isnt compromise about yielding sometimes?
GT: You said it yourself! Youre always budging for me.
GT: And im always the one to hunker down.
TT: You don’t have to force yourself.
TT: I’m done pressuring you into things.
GT: I think…
GT: I think id be fine with trying it.
GT: Weve done cohabitation for short periods of time before. And our lifestyles arent abysmally different to begin with…
TT: Sleeping under the same roof seven days a week every week of every month of every year is different from sleeping over every once in a while. You know that, right?
GT: Im not stupid dirk! I can see how its different.
TT: Taking a power nap in the RIDPP dressing room after I've broken your nose and we've made out sloppy style doesn’t count as cohabitation.
GT: I know that!
GT: I just cant let this amount to nothing!
GT: Its taken too much to be here!!!
TT: And I can’t trap you with me, Jake. I can’t do it again.
TT: Moving in together was only an option when we were together. The order is all messed up now.
GT: Can we get back together then?
GT: Maybe i cant make home a physical place for now but going home to you is all i can think about.
TT: Fuck, that’s cheesy.
TT: Seriously. I got goosebumps.
GT: … But is it effective?
GT: *Raises eyebrows to high heaven.*
GT: Scouts friggin honor I love you so damn much.

You can almost feel Dirk typing “is that really enough?” and erasing it. His caret blinks on and off, hesitant.

GT: …
GT: Jumping jehoshaphat dirk strider. Don’t you dare leave me hanging now of all times! With the courage it takes to say it…
GT: And not the liquid kind for once!!!
TT: Sorry.
TT: I’m fighting the right hemisphere of my brain because there's no way we’re getting back together THAT easy…
GT: I could always apologize some more…
TT: Why don’t you stop running away first?
TT: Then we can talk about sucking face and calling each other pet names.
GT: You dont call me pet names!
GT: Bro and dude arent pet names…
TT: But I do suck face. And Beggars can’t be choosers.
GT: Aw…
TT: Anyway.
TT: It’s nothing you don’t know already and I said it just last night when you were smashed out of your gourd, but I love you too.
GT: Shucks you suffuse me with color!
GT: And um… For your information i do remember you saying it last night but reading it off the sauce knocks the experience for a loop!
GT: That and i reckon i owed you a proper declaration after all that malarkey about legging it and hypothetical neonates and the like!
GT: More proper than last nights any which way…
TT: Noted.
TT: I appreciate the thought.
GT: Then…
GT: Can i come back…?
TT: You asking for permission?
GT: Well…
TT: It’s a free country and that usually entails complete freedom of movement, so go nuts.
TT: Also, you kind of exiled yourself. That’s a thing you did.
GT: Let me rephrase that… Can i come back to you?
TT: I don’t want to scare you off into Banishment 2: The Remake, so yeah. Come back.
TT: But I think we could both agree that you have some heavy explaining to do before you get anywhere near my pants.
GT: Yuck.
GT: Yeech…
GT: Youch…

If you have some heavy explaining to do, that means…

GT: What would you say the general outrage level at my disappearance is currently?
TT: I don’t know, how many missed calls do you have?
GT: Must be nearing the thousands…
TT: Not gonna lie, mine won’t be the first or the last piece of someone’s mind you’re given upon your return, but don’t be stupid and make it worse than it needs to be.
GT: That bad. Huh…
TT: Yeah, well. Unlike me, consorts and CEOs can be judgemental creatures… And you did cost us (and yourself) millions.
GT: So much for not scaring me off!
GT: Holy smokes…
TT: Don’t worry, I’ll hold your hand through it.
GT: Something tells me youre being sarcastic right now.
GT: Are you being sarcastic with me right now dirk?
TT: You’ll be fine. The Gods of PR never leave your side by virtue of you having a fat ass and a picture perfect pearly white smile so I’m sure you’ll be fine.
TT: … Probably.
TT: You can always resort to ugly crying on national television.
GT: Good grief. Youre sure are flagitious today.
TT: Really? I think I’ve been pretty lenient. All things considered.
GT: Well! Shell be apples. Im just glad i get to talk to you again.
TT: That’s the attitude.
GT: Thank you for giving me a second chance.
GT: And im sorry i knocked you for six…
TT: Say it and mean it.
GT: I do!!!
TT: I know.
TT: Get your ass back here before I change my mind.
GT: I will! And ill come see you soon.
TT: I’ll be waiting.
GT: Thank you…
GT: I love you.
TT: Me too.
TT: Don’t make me regret this.

timaeusTestified [TT] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT] at 15:19

That concludes that, apparently. You suspect coming back to the big city and seeing Dirk face to face is going to open old wounds for you, it’s bound to, but as the first rays of fall kiss your weary face you realize it might not be so bad.

You can’t wait to see him and—if he allows it—hug him so tight you won’t need words to convey what you’re feeling. You won’t rush things and you’ll make sure to feel every contour of his nape under your fingers, every rough edge, everything. This time you’ll be thankful when he takes up every inch of your consciousness with his overbearing presence, that you’re sure of. And you’ll tell him that even if Peter Pan ran, maybe he’ll be able to find a small piece of Neverland in adulthood with a little patience. And perhaps then, compromise won’t be as big a burden.

In the meantime, you get down to your knees and begin gathering your stuff and disassembling your tent. You check your missed calls and messages and… you think you might take your sweet time with packing, actually. But ultimately you’ll leave the green forest you’ve called a refuge for a week to permutate into a bright orange.

As it always has.