Work Text:
There were some questions too big to ask directly.
It was easier to focus on the now, the present, the sunshine on the beach and a few hard earned hours to be carefree. The taste of a peach popsicle could stay forever in his mouth, right? He could stop here, just like he’d wished the Monkey King had.
I wish everything would stay the same.
But time went on like it always would.
Sunset and shadows came. Again and again the days passed, but he felt stuck.
MK’s chest felt tight, wondering which string he should tug at first in the myriad of knots within it. How could he untangle it without making all of himself fly apart? He still felt worn out at the seams, edges more jagged than smooth, echoes of reflections that weren’t quite him taunting him.
He shook his head, trying to clear it as he helped Wukong and his monkeys tidy up what remained of Flowerfruit Mountain. Pretty much everything was reduced to rubble. The biggest pieces of debris could be moved from the old clearing where Wukong’s house had been with magic, but something about manually picking up the pieces of old artifacts and remains of murals was satisfying. However, MK’s eyes stubbornly kept shifting to his hands rather than the object within his hand.
He was caught up in his own head so badly he wasn’t sure if he could ever get out.
Once, he would have run to Wukong without any doubt that the Monkey King could solve all his problems and offer up a golden secret phrase to ease his worries. Even when MK had been left all alone, when he’d been forced to confront how often he ran to his friends, ran to Sun Wukong, he’d still pulled on that sense of faith to keep himself going. He’d had trust.
Certain, unshakeable trust. Blind adoration. Senseless confidence. The Monkey King had been invincible, the highest standard MK held himself to. He was still the best standard MK had, but maybe neither of them could ever be invincible. They couldn’t be perfect.
In a way, it was almost funny.
You really are just that bit too much like him.
To doubt Sun Wukong was to doubt himself, and to doubt himself was to doubt Sun Wukong. It was one of the many cords binding itself in a knot inside him, tightening the more he sought to be free of it.
There was a lot he didn’t know about his mentor, and a lot he didn’t know about himself. It seemed like to solve one problem, he had to solve the other at the same time.
He sighed, leaving behind a small pile of books he’d been sifting through. He hadn’t really been reading the words in front of his eyes anyway. MK found Wukong doing similar work, sunglasses still on.
As blasé about the whole thing as Wukong was trying to be, MK had caught him looking somber before he could cheer up at seeing MK.
“Hey bud!” Wukong gave MK his attention, fully turning to him while holding a retro game controller. “I’m amazed this old thing is unscathed- I swear I only have to glance at new ones for them to get drift.” Frowning, he pushed his sunglasses up, letting them rest on his forehead. “What is it?”
MK didn’t know if he was talking to himself or to Wukong at this point.
“You know it’s okay to not be okay, right?” he asked, glancing around at the new crater where Wukong lived. The Monkey King shrugged.
“Wellllll, definitely got some unexpected, hardcore renovations.”
“No, I mean it. Seriously. All the worries, all the bad stuff- I get pushing it off for Tomorrow You, but Tomorrow You will be here sooner than you think, and maybe sometimes there’s too much to push aside. There’s too much to pretend it’s alright. You just…” He closed his eyes for a moment. “Lose control.”
Wukong put a hand on MK’s shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. However their conversation was going to go, at least MK felt heard. “Okay. We could both use a break. Come on.”
MK allowed himself a smile, following Wukong out to a ledge that looked across the sea to the city. Even this was changed, the stones around them out of place, everything close to what it used to be but wrong.
They sat down, side by side. MK couldn’t meet Wukong’s eyes as he spoke.
“In that scroll, in all of those memories, those lifetimes of mistakes- was I one of them?” MK was afraid of the answer. “One of your mistakes?”
Wukong raised his eyebrows. “Pfft, what? Of course not! I had no idea you’d still be worried about that kind of thing after all we just went through.”
“What we just went through is exactly why I’m worried.” Could no one understand? Arms outstretched, MK rambled on, waving and gesturing as it all tumbled out of him. “How am I supposed to feel about all of this power, reassured? ” MK’s voice cracked as he clenched his fists, worry breaking through his voice. “Reassured that I’m not a mistake, or assured that I’m an even bigger one than I could’ve ever imagined?!”
“Woah, easy. I know you must be getting adjusted-”
“You don’t know anything!” MK stood up, face hidden in his hands, trying to force his breathing to calm down. “You don’t know what I saw, or how I felt! And whatever it is you do know, you aren’t telling me!”
Rarely had MK gone in so directly when he was upset, and even more rarely had the Monkey King taken it to heart instead of letting it bounce off.
Wukong got up, standing beside him, once again reaching out, laying a hand on MK’s back. “Alright,” he admitted quietly. “There’s a lot I don’t know. Some of it I should have been there for. I should have guided you better. I can own up to that. But I do know something.”
“What is it?” he asked, hushed. MK was fragile, like he could break apart at anything, dissolve like Azure had as the cosmos tore his atoms apart. He still saw it at night, Azure and those blue flowers Azure never got to see close by where he vanished. MK couldn’t even bear to bring it up, only able to hint at the pieces he wanted to hold out but didn’t have the words for.
The sincerity in Wukong’s voice seemed to know this, soft but steady.
“You aren’t anyone’s mistake, kid.”
Wukong held MK, pulling him close into a hug, even his tail winding around him. MK didn’t speak, face buried in Wukong’s shoulder, shaking. His mentor kept talking, something he was normally more eager to do, but the words felt heavier than mountains. “You’re right, I’ve messed up a lot. My mistakes aren’t the time I’ve spent with you, but the time I was away from you. You have reason to not believe me, but I mean it, MK.”
Pulling back, Wukong let his hand rest on MK’s cheek, wiping away a tear. “You’re not a bad memory. Not for me, not for anyone. I want more memories with you.”
MK was still worried, daring to hope that he could accept, well, acceptance. “Even if I mess up?”
“Heh, I’ve been an excellent teacher on the subject of all the possible ways to mess up.” Wukong ruffled MK’s hair, drawing a laugh out of him. “I don’t know how to fix it all, or even what I’m doing sometimes. Guess all that talk about confidence and not faking it blew up in my face, huh? And you guys were the ones who took the fall for me. I’m sorry for the times I let you down.”
Perhaps MK wasn’t the only one with Azure’s voice echoing in his ears. MK still rushed to defend him, not knowing what to do with the sudden apology.
“I mean, I was upset but you haven’t-”
“MK, it’s fine. We’ll both just keep feeling bad if we don’t admit what’s wrong.” Wukong scoffed softly. “Which sucks, but it’s life. I’ll do my best to be less of a pain for everyone around me. I’ll be around for everyone around me.”
MK half expected Macaque to pop out of a shadow somewhere and ask for that in writing, but they were left alone. He wasn’t sure exactly what to say, but it helped knowing there was some small part of his future that was more stable than he’d found it. He landed on, “And my friends and I will be there for you, if you let us.”
Wukong put his arm around MK, looking out at the sunset. He rested his head against MK’s, smiling to himself. “Maybe we’re finally getting somewhere, huh? Us? Learning a lesson?”
“Who knew?” joked MK back, heart suddenly lighter than it’d been for a long time.
“No matter what happens, I want to make sure you never feel like a mistake or bad memory ever again.” Wukong faced MK, taking both of his hands in his own, promising. “I’ll prove it to you every day.”