Archive of Our Own

Buck has had a lot of jobs in his life. Waiter at the diner in his hometown of Hershey, PA, barista, ranch hand, bartender, Navy Seal trainee, etc. However, Buck can honestly say that being a firefighter is the best, most rewarding job he’s ever had. The joy on people’s faces when they’re loved ones are saved, the rush of repelling off a building or cliff to get to someone, and the friends and family he’s found by being at the 118… Those are the reasons Buck will be a firefighter until he physically can’t anymore. 

All those cancel out any of the bad. Yeah, Buck knows that this job has put him through the ringer a time or two. Close calls, heartbreaking losses, desperate measures to save the ones you love, injuries to himself, injuries to others - that he’d rather not think about - and of course, his own temporary death. He tries to brush over that one quickly at the dinner he, Chris, Eddie and Natalia are having as he gushes about his job. But, of course, when you bring up death in front of a death doula and well… she can’t help but bring up that conversation… again.

But when Natalia says, “I still can’t believe that really happened to you. It’s so freaking cool,” it doesn’t really phase Buck anymore. He’s heard it countless times over the past month from her. And to be honest, it’s been kind of nice to not think of his death as some big trauma, but rather a blip that he can get over, and move past. Why dwell on the lightning strike if you don’t have to? Why not just heal, get back to work and move on? Getting back to the job he loves will outweigh all the bad from the lightning. Just like it did the ladder truck, and the tsunami, and the shooting… right? Of course, that’s what matters.

Before Buck can make a comment that will shift the conversation away from his death, the clattering of Eddie’s fork hitting his plate rings throughout the kitchen, fully halting their conversation. Buck’s eyes immediately shift to his best friend, to see his hand still floating mid-air when it must have been ready to bring more food to his mouth, his mouth slightly agape, and his eyes locked directly on Natalia.

“Did you just... did you just call Buck’s death... cool ?” Eddie questions, his voice barely above a whisper. Buck and Eddie haven’t really talked about the lightning much in the past month. Buck just assumed they all needed to move on from it. It’s not like they talked much about the well collapse or the shooting - minus that one time in the hospital when Eddie told him he’d be Chris’s legal guardian if something happened to him, which still blows Buck’s mind every damn day. So why would Buck’s near-death experience be any different for Eddie?

It’s quiet for too long before Natalie speaks carefully, “It’s just… the experience. It’s like no other. How many people get to say they’ve died and live to tell the tale? It’s fascinating-”

Before she can even finish her defense, Eddie raises his hand, effectively cutting off her explanation. He chokes out, “Excuse me, I… I just need a minute.” He rises to get out of his chair, and Chris instantly grabs his dad’s hand, squeezing it quickly. “I’m fine, buddy.”

Buck feels like he can read Eddie pretty well, and he for sure knows that his “I’m fine,” is a load of bullshit. His entire demeanor has shifted in the past minute or two. He’s stiffened, his breathing had quickened. In fact, he’s realizing he’s seen this look on Eddie before… In the firehouse, during the blackout when Ravi was introducing himself to Ana and assumed that she was Eddie’s wife. A look that signaled that he was heading towards a panic attack.

“I’ll be back.” Eddie forces a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes, as he pushes his chair in, and quickly makes his exit to the balcony. Buck watches him go, sees him practically stumble into the railing of the balcony, only picking himself up enough to balance on his elbows. Buck can’t see his face from here, but does notice the rise and fall of his chest, as if he’s trying to control his breathing. Whatever doubt he had before about Eddie’s panic attack is fully gone, and replaced with worry.

It was just one statement. How did it trigger this? Eddie’s panic attacks have always been linked to his relationships with women, well and the loss of his team in Afghanistan… Oh. Fuck .

“You should go talk to him,” Chris suggests, drawing Buck’s attention back to the thirteen-year-old. “I know he said he needed a minute, but he really shouldn’t be alone.”

With a shaky breath, Buck replies, “You’re right, bud.” He pushes his chair back, and stands up. He quickly shifts his gaze who Natalia appears uneasy at the development of being left alone after all this. But, he can’t just leave Eddie by himself right now, not like this. He gives Natalia’s shoulder a comforting squeeze and asks Chris, “Are you okay to be here with Natalia for a few minutes?” 

Christopher nods. “It’s fine, Buck. I’m sure Natalia and I can find something to talk about while you’re gone.” The boy’s tone is innocent, but the look he flashes Natalia appears anything but. Buck can’t help but think that Eddie is not the only one struggling with Natalia’s comment. He should stay. Who knows what’s going to happen if he leaves them alone… but right now, Chris appears put together while his best friend is losing it out on his balcony, and that has to take precedent over whatever is about to unfold in his kitchen.

“Okay, then. We’ll be back in a few minutes.” He says, then he’s out the door, shutting it softly behind him, and going directly to Eddie.

He reaches the balcony, and the first thing he does is reach out and grasp Eddie’s shoulder, squeezing it gently in the hopes of grounding him. When he was little and upset - usually at his parents, he remembers Maddie always holding him close, and rubbing circles on his back to calm him down. He always felt more relaxed as he focused more on the soothing touch rather than whatever pain he was going through. So, he tries to do the same for Eddie, rubbing those same circles on his back, watches as the tension begins to slip from the other man’s body.

Buck doesn’t say a word, just continues the motion. He’s letting Eddie be ready to talk, to come to him, by showing Eddie he’s there - just like he did the last time Buck helped him through a panic attack. If he knows one thing about Eddie, it's that he can’t force him to talk. Eddie Diaz chooses his moments, shares when he feels comfortable, and safe. If Buck pushes too soon, he’ll completely shut down. That’s the last thing that Buck wants. He just wants Eddie to feel better, to understand why this is happening, and how to make sure it never happens again.

“This isn’t the first time she’s said that, is it?” Eddie finally asks, eyes focuses on the busy street below. Buck’s hand pauses before he completely draws it away. “Is it?” Eddie repeats, his voice sharper this time, as he finally turns to face Buck.

“No, it’s not.” Buck sighs, shoving his hands deep into his pockets, and moving to rest his back against the balcony. He can feel Eddie’s anger simmering beneath the surface, and chooses to focus on his own white sneakers rather than meet Eddie’s intense stare.

“When you came over to my place after you fell asleep on my couch, I asked you how you were feeling about your death. You told me you didn’t know.” At the time that was true. The lightning strike and his feelings about it had been fucking with his head. He needed Eddie to lean on at that moment, because it was all so overwhelming, and Eddie had seemed more than happy to help. Now he’s just mad. “Now, you spend five minutes with this woman and suddenly you’ve settled on agreeing with her that your death was cool, Buck?”

Still not meeting Eddie’s eyes he answers, “She’s made me think about it differently is all. You said it yourself, I’m going to feel a lot of different ways about my death. This is just one of them.” He had to change his perspective on his death if he was going to survive. He couldn’t keep dwelling on it. Move on, be free, get back to work. He thought Eddie would understand that better than anyone? Seems like therapized Eddie is not on the same page. 

In fact, his next statement takes Buck fully by surprise. “Would you still feel the same if she were talking about Chimney? Jonah killed him and brought him back to life. Twice . You remember that, right?”

This is what gets him to finally look up, to finally meet Eddie’s eyes. How could Eddie possibly think Buck would be okay with Chimney dying? Chimney is the closest thing he’s really had to a brother since he never really knew Daniel. Now, he’s going to be his brother-in-law, and he couldn’t be happier for him and Maddie. Chimney nearly dying the first time when Doug stabbed him was traumatic enough, and that was years ago, before they were even super close. The Jonah thing was ten times worse than that. “Eddie-” Buck starts, but is cut off almost immediately.

“Or what about me?” Buck flinches at his words. “I got shot and was bleeding out in the street. I might not have fully flatlined but I was on the brink of death and was fully brought back to life. Do you think that was cool, Buck? Should I mention that to Natalia? Think she’d find that fascinating ?”

Buck can say without a shadow of a doubt that Eddie getting shot is the second worst day of his life. That includes the ladder truck bombing, his first date with Abby when he had to be trached, the lightning strike, the day Maddie left for college, and when she chose not to leave Boston with him. All of it.

He still has the occassional nightmares of the shooting, and recounts the entire event clearly when he does. He still tastes Eddie’s blood in his mouth, feels it running through his fingers as he clutches his hands against the bullet wound. Just thinking about it elevates his heart rate and has the feelings of panic, and fear resurface.

He doesn’t know how he managed to survive for hours after the shooting without breathing, because he doesn’t remember being able to take a single breath until Bobby’s text came through and said Eddie was going to be out of surgery. That was the first time he felt his lungs expand, and his chest heave as he sobbed on the edge of Chris’s bed as he relayed the news. He felt so weak knowing that he was supposed to be comforting Chris, yet needing the boy to hold him as he cried. It had all been too much. He never wants to feel that way again.

Buck swallows hard before responding, “Of course, not.” 

“Are psychotic paramedics with god complexes and scorned snipers not cool enough for you? Are natural disasters the only ones that meet your criteria? If that’s the case then I guess you could consider that Chris nearly dying in the tsunami is cool, too, right?”

And here Eddie goes bringing up the most traumatic day of his life, as if it’s supposed to have no meaning to Buck. The shooting nearly broke him, but the tsunami… he’s never felt more fear than that day. The guilt he felt for bringing Chris to the pier the one day that a massive tsunami hits Los Angeles, will never leave him. He can’t forget the panic that filled every inch of him when the second wave hit and Chris fell off the 136’s laddertruck and got sucked into the surf. And the desperation he felt as he searched high and low for hours, trying to find Chris, only to come up empty and have to tell Eddie that he lost him. God, he’s never been so relieved in his entire life than seeing Chris in Eddie’s arms that night. So relieved, he remembers the second the adrenaline left his body, and he collapsed in Bobby and Chim’s arms.

He loves Chris, so much. He knows he just delivered a donor baby, and while that boy is technically his biological child, he feels that Chris is closer to his kid than anything. He may never have his own children, but the love he feels for Chris easily fills that void, because he would do anything for him. Chris is Eddie’s kid but Buck loves him like his own. So, Eddie’s claim that Chris’s near-death experience in the tsunami is cool to him? How the hell could that even remotely be true?

Infuriated, he nearly shouts, “No, Christopher nearly dying isn’t cool! Fuck, Eddie, of course, I don’t think that!”

“Then why is your death the only one that is cool, Buck? Why doesn’t Chim’s, or Chris’s, or mine work for you?”

“It’s not the same. You, Chris, Chim, your near-death experiences… those are awful and horrible, and some of the worst days of my life… they’re not the same.” How could they be? Buck dying was awful, but it’s over. Everyone moved on quickly enough. Buck getting hurt - Buck dying, is something that happens. If Buck is honest, it probably won’t be the last time. He’s practically a danger magnet in a job that requires you to go swimming in a sea of it. But it’s fine. Everyone will move on, it’s not a big deal. Why is Eddie making it a big deal? No one ever has before.

“And why would your death not be that for us? How is it different? Because you’re the one that nearly died?” Buck remains silent, but Eddie knows him well enough to know what he’s thinking. Buck can tell his silence only angers Eddie more. Fuck, this isn’t what he wants. He doesn’t want Eddie to be mad at him. He just wants the lightning strike to be over. He wants to move on. Why does Eddie want to fight about this? His death is not that important. His near-death experience is not worth Eddie dwelling over like his own, or Chim’s or Chris’s. Why did he even bring it up casually? Why did Natalia have to comment on it? He just wanted a nice dinner between his girlfriend, his best friend, and his pseudo-kid. Why can’t he just have that? 

He’s kicking himself over opening his big fucking mouth, when Eddie peels himself off the railing to fully face him. “Years ago I sat in a hospital room and told you weren’t expendable. Did that not click for you how important you are? To the team, to Chris… to me? Maybe you need to know more, so, let me tell you what I think of you dying, Buck.”

Buck knows he is here on this earth to be of service. Hell, that’s what he was born for. He was meant to save his dying brother, and he failed at his very first task. He ceased being important to anyone when that happened. He might not have known about it at the time, but he felt it deep down. He’s not important enough. Never has been. He doesn’t understand why Eddie seems to think differently.

“When the lightning hit, I was thrown off the truck. I didn’t fully realize what had happened until I got to my feet and saw you hanging there. I called out to you, over and over, but you never answered. And when I figured out what happened… that the lightning had hit you - that your heart stopped - I swear I stopped breathing, too.”

Buck can hear the tightening in Eddie’s voice as he speaks, and the tension slipping back into his shoulders. The panic is settling in again as he talks about Buck’s death, he can see it with his own eyes. He stopped breathing? Just like Buck did when the well collapsed, and when Eddie was shot?

“I don’t think I took another breath until I restarted your heart in the emergency room. Even then though, I wasn’t okay. I was so relieved you were alive, but so terrified it was only temporary.” Eddie was the one that restarted his heart? No one had told him that. Does it matter? Saving people is his job, Buck. It could have easily been Hen, Chim, or Bobby that restarted it as well. It doesn’t mean anything . Then why does it feel like it does?

“I waited until the doctors came back with an update, and then I had to go home and tell Chris. I honestly don’t know how you did it Buck. I don’t think I barely got through three words without having a breakdown.” Eddie made a special trip home to tell Chris, just like Buck had after the shooting? But why? Buck did that because Chris needed to know about his dad. But Eddie… Buck might see Chris as a son to him, but does Eddie think that, too? Surely he doesn’t.

“I came back the next day and I tried to go see you… but, I took one look at you through the window and I turned back around. I didn’t want to - I couldn’t - see you like that. You weren’t… you. You were just quiet… and lifeless. I just couldn’t bare to see it, but I also couldn’t bare to leave.” When Eddie had been shot, Buck had wanted to stay at the hospital, too. If Ana hadn’t been around he would have. He’d have brought Chris and they would’ve set up shop at Eddie’s bedside, ready to wait for him to come back. He hated being away, but it wasn’t his palace to be there. The spot next to Eddie was for his partner - sorry, his girlfriend.

“I don’t think I left the hospital for two days. I just paced up and down the hallway outside your room in the ICU, and volunteered for all the coffee and snack runs. When I couldn’t move anymore I took up residence in the waiting room until I couldn’t sit still. Then I just repeated the cycle.” 

It makes sense why Eddie didn't stay in the room for him either. It’s not like they’re together. Besides, Maddie took that seat most of the time, right? She’s his power of attorney, and medical proxy. She had to be there to make decisions for him about his care. Eddie didn’t have the responsibility of making those. He didn’t need to be there. But… it sounds like he wanted to be… maybe? Is he hearing this right?

“I went inside your room once though… Carla brought Christopher and he begged me to see you. They don’t allow kids in the ICU, but I couldn’t tell him no.” 

“You sneaked Chris in to see me?” Buck asks, his voice barely above a whisper. Chris had begged to come see him in the hospital? But why? He knows they’re close. He knows Chris cares about him, calls him his ‘best friend’, but still? He did? People leave Buck - flee Buck. No one ever begs to stay.

“Of course I did. Buck, besides me you are the most important person in his life. The kid practically worships you.” This is the will all over again. Chris has his grandparents, his abuelita, Tia Pepa, Eddie’s sisters, plenty of people that should be above Buck in the spot for the second most important person in Chris’s life. Yet, Eddie is challenging that yet again. There is no one in the world I trust with my son more than you . Eddie’s words ring in his head on a loop, considering that maybe it’s not only Eddie that feels that way, but Chris, too?

“He sat by your bedside, and held your hand, and talked to you as long as I let him.”

“What did he say?” Buck asks, taking a tiny step forward, curiosity getting the better of him.

“He begged for you to wake up… that wherever you were you had you to come back. That he needed his Buck - his dad - to come back to him.”

Buck’s eyes go wide, and his breath hitches in his throat at Eddie’s words. He’s immediately transported back to his coma dream, where Dream Chris was asking Buck to help him find his dad. Buck felt guilty about leaving him, about keeping him from finding Eddie, but… maybe Eddie wasn’t who Chris was referring to.

In his dream, he could hear Athena talking to him, telling him to wake up. He never considered that he could hear anyone else though. Maybe Dream Chris was just manifesting what Real Chris was saying to him. Begging him to come back, to find his dad - to find Buck. If what Eddie is saying is true, Buck’s feelings toward’s Chris being a son to him are not one-sided. Chris is thinking of Buck as a dad to him? Eddie’s okay with that? He can feel his hands shaking as this realization starts to set in. Shock and awe traveling throughout every inch of his body.

“He wasn’t the only one that begged for you to come back, Buck.” Eddie confesses. “Bobby and Athena occupied the chairs by your bedside more than your own parents. Chimney was drowning in guilt over letting you go up that ladder when it was supposed to be him. Maddie was trying her hardest not to have to grieve another brother, while Hen didn’t want to lose her only one. And me…”

Eddie pauses, looking out towards the city. Buck can’t bare for him to stop now, begging to know what comes next. So, he reaches out and takes Eddie’s hand, drawing him back into their conversation. “You what?” He prompts softly.

“I prayed.” Eddie relents. “For the first time in a long time, I prayed… for you.”

In their many years of knowing each other, Buck has picked up on the fact that Eddie is not religious. He knows why. Eddie has seen enough death and distruction to turn him off the idea of religion. They’ve had discussions about Eddie’s loss of faith, his unwillingness to step foot in a catholic church again even when his Abuela or Tia Pepa have asked.

But if what Eddie is saying it true then he willingly turned to a god he hasn’t believed in for years because of Buck. He can picture him sitting with Bobby in the chapel at the hospital, talking about this. Why? Because he did the same thing when Eddie was shot. Before he left to go tell Chris, Bobby had pulled him into the chapel and sat him down. Buck didn’t really know what he was doing, or who he was talking to - begging to - be he did so with Bobby.

Buck doesn’t know what to think of this information. Doesn’t know how he could possibly be important enough for Eddie to turn to religion for him. But, maybe it doesn’t matter how. Maybe it just matters that he is? Is he? That’s what Eddie is telling him, right? Eddie thinks he’s important enough to pray for.

“You think Natalia sees you? God, Buck, how could she? If she really did, she’d know just how important you are; how much people love you and rely on you. She’d see that you’re a brother to Maddie, Chim, and Hen. That you’re a son to Bobby and Athena. That you’re a father to Chris, and to me you’re…”

He’s never felt really important, really valued, really truly loved but here Eddie is telling him everything that he has ever wanted to hear, and he can already feel his eyes getting glassy. He’s confirming every hope that Buck has had throughout this speech, and the joy filling his chest right now makes him feel like it might burst but that’s okay.

Then he thinks about what Eddie said about Natalia. If Natalia really saw you , a call back to their talk in the graveyard a few weeks ago. I think she sees me . He was talking about her, hoping she saw the real him. Not just what he displays to the world, but who he is deep down. Someone who wants to love, joy, a family, to feel important… to tell him what he needs to hear and to make him feel worthy of those things. If he’s honest with himself, Natalia has never actually made him feel that way. Maybe at first when they were talking about this death originally, but over the past month, not so much.

But Eddie… The way that Eddie is making him feel right now - the way Eddie always makes him feel - that is what he wants. That is what he’s been so desperately craving. Realizing that partly terrifies him, but it also makes him even more desperate for Eddie to finish this sentence. What is he to Eddie?

He tries not to act too disappointed when Eddie says, “You’re my best friend.” It’s true, they are best friends. But, Buck thinks he wants more than that. He’s starting to realize, that maybe this is not the first time he’s felt that way. Just the first time he’s really letting it sink in.

It doesn’t seem like Eddie can stop there though. He continues saying, “But that’s just who you are to other people. You’re also so much more than that. You’re the calming voice in the middle of a storm. You’re the anchor that keeps a boat from drifting out to sea. You’re the light in the darkest of nights, the laugh that fills an entire room with pure happiness. You’re the beacon that signals that people are home.”

Buck feels himself grip Eddie’s hand a little tighter as his words settle in his chest. The fluttering that started before is now overwhelming, as if a hoard of butterflies are trying to escape his body. The way that Eddie is describing him… it doesn’t make sense, it shouldn’t be right, but the look on his best friend’s face says he’s sincere. Eddie Diaz means every word that he is telling him right now, and Buck feels… Buck could not feel more important or more loved in this moment right now.

“You have the biggest heart I have ever seen, Buck, and you use every bit of it to help others, and I don’t just mean the people you rescue on calls. You saved Bobby when he was at one of the lowest points in his life. You helped give Chimney some fight to go find Maddie and reunite his family. You gave Hen some drive to follow her passions when it came to medical school. You found Carla for me when I was drowning, and stayed even though you’d already given me a life raft to stay afloat. And for all of the shit that came after, you stayed to make sure I was going to be okay, and that Christopher would too.” 

Buck would do anything for the people he loves. At the time he helped Bobby he didn’t know he loved him like a father yet, but he knew that he had to help. That Bobby was important to him, and needed him. As for Eddie, it was second nature to help him. He barely knew him, but he knew that he wanted to help. Knew that Eddie and Chris were already important to him and that with one phone call he could fix their problem. He knows he’s a fixer, but he didn’t realize that someone could love that about him. 

“You have no idea how important you are to everyone around you. No idea how much you mean to all of us because if you had even the slightest inkling you’d realize that you, Evan Buckley… you’re everything .” When Eddie takes his other hand, he gently pulls Buck closer, stepping into his personal space. They’re so close that Eddie, who is only slightly shorter than Buck, has to look up at him. Buck can feel his heart beating faster in his chest at the motion. “Natalia… she doesn’t see that either. I know she doesn’t because she wouldn’t be talking about your death so frivolously if she did.” 

But Eddie is making him see it. Aggressively telling Buck how important he is, how loved he is. While that is overwhelming, it’s also one of the best feelings that he’s ever had. 

“You deserve to love someone - to have someone love you - that does see those things. You are worth so much more than what people like her can offer you. Stop settling for people who don’t value you, Buck.” He doesn’t know if Natalia would tell him these things. Definitely not now because they don’t know each other very well, but even one day… he doesn’t know if she agrees.

But Eddie… Eddie is laying it all down on the line right now. Eddie sees these things about him. Eddie sees him. Eddie has always seen him. You think you’re expendable, but you’re wrong. You’re everything. Buck would be wrong every day, if Eddie would just keep telling him these things. He thinks right now that if he asked Eddie to tell him this every day he would. He thinks that although Eddie might have not said the words… he thinks that Eddie Diaz might love him. Might be in love with him.

He thinks he might also be in love with Eddie Diaz. No, he knows he does. He’s sure of it.

He just doesn’t know how to say that out loud. What if he says it, and then he’s wrong about how Eddie feels about him? He thinks he knows, but he’s not certain. What if says it and he ruins everything? He can’t have that. Everything he’s ever wanted would slip away from him in an instant.

But if Eddie has spent all this time telling Buck just how loved he is, doesn’t Eddie deserve to be told how much he is loved, too? Of course, he does. Buck should just say “Fuck it,” and tell him. Eddie laid it on the line. Eddie took the risk. Buck should, too.

He only reassures himself of this when Eddie’s gaze flickers down to his lips, and he wishes that Eddie would just lean in a few more inches and close the distance. He’s kissed a lot of people in the past - probably way more than he should have - but he’s never wanted someone to kiss him more than in this current moment.

But instead of kissing him, Eddie takes a step back, ducks his head, and loosens his grip on Buck’s hands. He feels Eddie slipping through his fingers, physically and metaphorically, and is so desperate to keep him there that he reaches forward to stop him in his tracks.  “Eddie…” He begins, knowing what he wants to say but not sure how to start.

He’s not sure how long they stand there, which could be seconds, minutes, or hours; but when Buck finally goes to speak, he doesn’t get to say more than, “I,” before the moment is broken, and Christopher barrels out the balcony door and right into Buck’s side. And because he can’t resist his kid, he melts the moment Christopher is around and drops Eddie’s wrist to wrap his arms around the thirteen-year-old.

But seeing Chris also makes him realize something. He was about to confess feelings to Eddie while Natalia was in the other room - while his girlfriend was in the other room. At least when he cheated on Taylor is was an accident - Lucy kissed him. But this… this would have been deliberate. He was so caught up with Eddie that Natalia ceased to exist. Damn, isn’t that telling about his relationship with her?

So, it’s a good thing that Chris stopped him. He needs to talk to Natalia first. Needs to end things. Then, he can tell Eddie how he feels.

“Chris? Buddy? What’s wrong? Where’s Natalia?” Buck asks, voice laced with worry as he feels Chris’s hug tighten around his waist.

“I told her to go home.” He’s actually thankful that Chris did it, because now he doesn’t have to. He doesn’t know how he did it, although if that look that Chris gave her earlier was any indication he’s sure it wasn’t nice. However, he has no interest in scolding him over it, so when Eddie starts, “Chris, you can’t-” Buck cuts him off and tells him, “It’s okay.” 

Buck pulls away just long enough to drop down into a nearby chair. As he does he slides his hands down Chris’s arms, settling on his hands as he gently pulls him closer. They’re almost at eye level now, Chris standing just a little taller than Buck as he sits. Damn, he remembers when he had to drop all the way to the ground to meet Chris’s eyes. It’s so hard watching this kid grow up so much before his very eyes. Yet, if he’s right about everything, he’s going to make sure not to miss out on any of it, no matter how much it hurts.

Buck gently reaches up to lift Chris’s chin so that their eyes can meet. Buck looks at him as if to tell him that this moment is the most important thing in the world to him. There’s no anger or frustration about what Chris did, just the need for understanding and the overwhelming love that Buck has for him. “Now, tell me. Why did you tell Natalia to leave?”

“Because she shouldn’t be here. Anyone who thinks you dying is cool shouldn’t be here. I don’t want you to date her. You can’t date her. Not if she thinks that. You dying isn’t cool, Buck,” Chris says through a sob, immediately dropping his crutches and giving Buck a bone-crushing hug.

Buck clutches him to his chest hugging him back just as hard as Chris is, cradling Chris’s short curls in his right hand. “You’re right, buddy. It isn’t.” His voice is shaky as he says it, this finally being the catalyst that forces the tears to finally fall.

“I love you, Buck,” Chris mumbles into Buck’s neck, his words so soft that Buck barely catches them. When he does, his breath hitches slightly, and he shifts Chris closer, hugging him tighter.

How has he missed this? How did he doubt this love for so long? Okay, if he’s being honest it’s his shitting parents fucking him up for years to come. But, even that shouldn’t have made him so blind that he missed just how important he seems to be to Chris. He hopes that Chris knows just how much he loves him. If not, he’ll make sure that he always knows, starting now. Buck pulls Chris back to look him in the eyes when he says, “I love you, too.” 

Buck can feel the tears streaming down his cheeks, quite the contrast to the smile that stretches across his face. He sees that same look reflected back at him on Chris, and reaches up to wipe away the boy’s tears. He almost starts crying again when Chris does the same for him.

Swiping another tear off Christopher’s face, Buck says, “Did you know that there are three types of tears?” He can practically hear Eddie’s eyes rolling beside him, but is also touched by the slight scoff of laughter that leaves his partner’s lips. Eddie never makes fun of him for all his random knowledge, only encourages it. No matter the situation.

“There are?” Chris asks.

“Yep. There are basal tears that are always in your eyes. They’re meant to keep your eyes from drying out, and to protect them from dirt and debris.” Bucks tells him. “Then there are reflex tears. Those develop when your eyes are irritated from things like smoke, or fumes.”

“Like when people cry because they are chopping onions? Like Dad did last week?” This time Eddie’s scoff is one of protest and Buck can’t help but laugh.

“Yes, just like that.” He swipes away one more tear, and then brings his thumb up to show Chris. “And then there’s these guys. They’re emotional tears. These occur in response to your emotions like when you are sad, or scared, or angry, or-”

“Happy?” Chris proposes.

“Yes, you can have emotional tears when you’re happy, too.” With his words, Buck looks up to meet Eddie’s eyes, his smile softening, and his gaze more gentle just for Eddie. He means for his look to convey that Eddie is one of his sources of happiness - always has been, always will be.

“Are you crying right now because you’re happy?”

Buck’s smile grows wider again as he turns back to Chris to say, “Yeah, buddy. These are happy tears.”

“Only you could make something like crying cool, Buck,” Christopher says, and all three of them laugh. Part of the reason Buck likes random facts is because they tend to make people happy. The people pleaser and the fixer in him will always prefer that. So, knowing that Chris thinks that’s cool, only fills him with pride.

Not long after that, the three of them find their way back inside. Everyone’s appetite seems to have faded and Eddie insists that Buck settles in on the couch with Chris while he does the dishes. “It’s only fair. You cooked, so I clean. Go pick out a movie with our kid, Buckley.” Buck flushes the most beautiful shade of pink at hearing Eddie openly say “our kid” and follows after Chris.

When Eddie finishes, he joins his boys on Buck’s new couch - which if Buck is being honest, is the same couch that is at Eddie’s house. They’ve settled on The Goonies, because Buck had never seen it, and Chris just had to show him all about their crazy adventure to find the long-lost ‘treasure’. Chris sits between them, snuggled a little closer to Buck’s side, which Buck more than welcomes after an evening like this one. Eddie shifts a little closer too, throwing his arm over the back of the couch, letting his hand rest at the back of Buck’s neck. His fingers absently draw circles on the base of Buck’s scalp as they gently thread thew Buck’s hair. Buck finds himself leaning into the touch, a satisfied smile adorning his face even as his eyes are glued to the TV.

Buck’s paying attention to the movie - mostly - but he’s mainly thinking about this moment. It’s one they’ve been in a million times before. Movie night at the Diaz household, or even right here on the slew of Buck’s other couches that came with girlfriends (or mothers trying to make up for years of inattention). This right here, sitting with his Diaz boys is his happy place, and he’s kicking himself for not seeing it sooner. This whole Natalia business could have been avoided if he’d just realized all of this earlier. He knows now though, and he has plans to have these nights more often, as long as he’s right about Eddie’s feelings.

When the movie ends, Buck knows that it’s time for his boys to go home, no matter how much he wants them to stay. Eddie has Chris grab his backpack, and they make their way downstairs, with Buck walking them to the car. Chris hugs Buck tightly before tossing his backpack and crutches in the backseat of the truck and uses the handles on the door to climb up into the front passenger seat - finally old enough to sit up front with Eddie.

Just as Eddie reaches to get in the car, too, Buck says, “I need to talk to Natalia.”

“Yeah, I think you probably do,” Eddie says, looking back at him. Buck’s hands are back in his pockets, shifting on his feet like he had earlier when Eddie confronted him on the balcony. He’s suddenly nervous, even though he doesn’t think he should be. Yet, it’s hard for Buck to do a complete 180 when it comes to believing that people love and value him. He’ll get there.

“Not tonight though. I need to figure out what I’m going to say.” How does one break up with a death doula? Maybe she’ll take the news better if he phrases it like a ‘death to their relationship.’ He’ll he sleep on it.

“That’s probably a good idea.” Eddie says.

“Can I -” Buck shifts again, digging his teeth into his lip a little before he continues, “Can I come over tomorrow, after? So we can talk?”

“You’re always welcome at our house, Buck,” Eddie says, reaching up and taking hold of Buck’s shoulder, letting his thumb gently rub over his clavicle. It’s a position that they’ve been in before, usually to set the stage for a moment of unbridled truth that Buck needs to hear. This time is no different. “It’s your home, too.” He once told Maddie that he wasn’t really a guest a Eddie’s house, and it’s nice to know that he was right about that.

“Okay…” Buck whispers, nodding ever so slightly. He does his best to hold back tears because he really doesn’t feel like crying again today, even if they are happy tears. Crying is cool to an extent. “I’ll see you tomorrow then?”

“Yeah, you will,” Eddie assures him, dropping his hand from Buck’s shoulder. Buck instantly misses the contact and is desperately hoping they can share a similar moment like this tomorrow.

Eddie pops open the driver's door and hops in the seat just as Chris calls from across the truck, “Goodnight, Buck!”

“Night, buddy,” Buck replies, giving Chris a small wave. Returning his gaze to Eddie, he softly says, “Night, Eds.”

“Goodnight, Buck.” Eddie echoes their son, his tone calmer, gentler. Buck carefully closes Eddie’s door for him, before taking a step back up onto the sidewalk. As they pull out of his loft’s parking lot, he can’t help but smile and wave at his boys. Excited for what’s to come next.

Turns out ending things with Natalia was rather simple - in fact she had been expecting it. Buck thinks her exact words were, “the second you ran after him I knew it was over,” and “I called you being in love with him from the beginning, I just didn’t realize that he was also in love with you until yesterday.” If Buck’s being honest, it was really nice to know that someone else picked up on Eddie’s feelings too. 

Natalia also mentioned that even if Buck hadn’t come to the conclusion that he was in love with Eddie, it would probably only be a matter of time before they broke up anyway since Chris made it very clear he didn’t like her and that “having your kid hate your girlfriend is a reciepe for disaster.” Yeah, Buck remembers what happened the last time Chris didn’t like the idea of his dad dating and how that ended with a broken salad bowl and a runaway kiddo. He’d rather not have a repeat. However, the additional note that Natalia also thought that Chris was Buck’s kid, too, was just icing on the cake.

So, he would call the break-up the most successful one he’s had to date. And hopefully his last.

Buck and Natalia had met for a late lunch, so Buck leaves their restaurant and immediately heads to the Diaz house - not wanting to waste any more time. It’s about a thirty-minute drive from the restaurant to Eddie’s, and during that time he’s practicing his speech, trying to find the perfect love confession. He’s probably done at least a dozen iterations of it before he walks up the front steps of the house. He pauses for a moment, deciding whether or not to knock or use his key. It’s your home, too , Eddie had told him. Trying not to second guess himself, or Eddie, he uses his key and enters, locking the door back behind him.

“Buck, is that you?” He hears Eddie call.

“Yeah, where are you?”

“Kitchen.” Buck lightly laughs to himself, the irony of having this conversation in Eddie’s kitchen of all places - the central location of all their truly important chats. Buck thinks that might as well hang a plaque in here to highlight its significance for their relationship.

When he gets there, he finds Eddie hunched over a pad and paper at the island, tapping his pen lightly on the countertop as he thinks.

“Thinking pretty hard over there. Don’t hurt yourself.” Buck jokes, leaning against the doorway.

“Ha-ha. Very funny, Buck.” Eddie says, rolling his eyes. “I’m putting together a grocery list, but I feel like I’m forgetting something.”

“Let’s see, do you have everything you need for Chris’s lunch? Apples, ham, cheese, carrot sticks, pretzels, Capri-Suns?” Buck asks, ticking off the lunch items on his fingers.

“Yeah, I’ve got all of that.”

“What about everything for dinner on Wednesday? I’m still coming over to cook lasagna that night, right?”

“First thing I wrote on the list. Couldn’t forget you’re cooking for us.” Buck can’t explain how a simple statement like that just brings him so much joy, and can’t hold back his smile.

“Do you have everything you need for Chris’s science project that we're working on this weekend?”

“Yeah, Chris sent me a list of that a couple of days ago.” The longer these questions go he’s realizing just how domestic this already feels. He’s been so blind it actually hurts him to think about all the signs he’s missed.

“What about dryer sheets? Didn’t you tell me you needed some the other night when we were on the phone while you were doing laundry?”

“Oh, yeah, that’s it!” Eddie says, elated. “God, what would I do without you, Buck?” Buck knows the question is rhetorical, but it still makes him blush.

Eddie is still scribbling down on the grocery list when Buck approaches the other side of the island and says, “I just had lunch with Natalia.” Eddie immediately halts writing.

Buck watches him swalllow hard before saying, “How’d it go?”

“I ended things.” It’s subtle, but Buck can see his best friend’s shoulders ever so slightly sag with relief.

“I would say that I’m sorry about that, but I’m not.”

“Yeah, I figured.” Buck chuckles lightly at Eddie’s bluntness. “Between talking to you and Chris… I realized you’re right. I think I was just caught up in the idea of her that I didn’t realize that she’s the exact opposite of what I’m looking for.” Someone to love him fully and completely. A family. Something he thinks he might already have, he just doesn’t want too be scared to ask for.

“Good, I’m glad you finally see it that way.” Eddie smiles, pushing up off the counter to stand up straight. “You deserve so much more, Buck.” Buck can tell from the look in his eyes that he truely means that, and it gives Buck the confidence to keep going.

“Do I deserve you?” Buck asks boldly, feeling those nervous butterflies fluttering anxiously in his chest once again.

Eddie’s eyes widen, as Buck slowly rounds the island to stand infront of him. “Me?” He asks cautiously, unable to hide his surprise.

“That was what you were trying to tell me yesterday, right?” Buck asks, stepping even closer to Eddie, gaining confidence as he watches the skepticism fade from Eddie’s eyes, and the hope begins to set in.

“Eddie, are you in love with me?” Buck asks, taking Eddie’s right hand in his and gently rubbing his thumb over the back of it. “Because I’m in love with you. I think I have been for a really long time, but I just didn’t realize it until yesterday.” This time Buck hears Eddie’s breath hitch and watches as his lips part slightly at Buck’s confession.

“The things you said… the way you said them…. You made me feel seen like I have never been before, Eds, and while you were speaking I just couldn’t help but hope that you love me too and that’s a dangerous game for me to play. I spent all night and most of today trying to figure out how to tell you this and hoping that I’m right about you feeling the same. So please, be honest. Just end my suffering and tell me if you love me the way that I love you.” Taking a deep breath, he adds, “If you don’t then I’ll walk out that door and we can forget all about this conversation and go back to things being the way they always have been.”

“And if I do?” Eddie asks, squeezing the hand Buck’s been caressing.

“Then I’m going to kiss you, and never let you go.” Buck says, confidence growing.

“Careful there, Buckley. Don’t go promising forever if you don’t mean it.” Eddie says it sarcastically, but he can hear that underlying doubt in Eddie’s voice. Buck plans on making sure that Eddie never has to doubt him again.

“I do mean it, Eds. You and Chris, you’re my forever.” Buck assures him, before adding,  “If you’ll have me.”

“Evan Buckley,” Eddie starts, bringing up his hand to cup Buck’s cheek. Hearing his full name sends a shiver down his spine in the best possible way. “I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. I love all of you, every part of you down to your core. You are everything that I have ever wanted in a partner, and if you’re promising forever, then I will gladly hold you to it.”

“You’re sure?” Buck says, as his tears begin to fall. “You really want all my mess forever?”

“What part of I love you to the core don’t you get, Buck?” Eddie asks, wiping away a stray tear from Buck’s cheek. Buck can’t help but lean into the touch. “Look, I could make a big grandiose speech like I did yesterday, or,” Eddie supplies, pulling Buck closer to where their lips are near millimeters apart, “you could make good on your promise and kiss me already. Your choice.”

Buck doesn’t hesitate in his choice, quickly closing the distance like he wanted to so desperately the day prior. This time he doesn’t have to wonder what it would be like, doesn’t have to beg or dream of kissing Eddie when he goes to sleep tonight. 

Finally, he gets to feel Eddie’s gentle kiss, his soft lips molding against his. This moment feels big, too big, like it’s been destined for so long, probably since he first saw him in the locker room at the station. God, how did he not realize he was oggoling his soon-to-be best friend the moment he saw him shirtless for the first time? Probably because the jealously was heavily masking the desire that he felt then and right now.

Now, he doesn’t hold back, and reaches up to twine his fingers into Eddie’s hair pulling gently. The movement causes Eddie to gasp a bit, giving Buck an opportunity to deepen the kiss. Eddie’s hand slips from Buck’s cheek and finds its way to the front of Buck’s shirt, balling it in his fist and pulling Buck closer. 

This he thinks it how it’s supposed to feel. He’s kissed tons of people. Girlfriends, one night stands - men and women, and while those kisses were intense, they never felt like this. Buck feels Eddie everywhere, every inch of him all around him, each touch making him tingle all over. If he could have Eddie reach inside of him and bury himself in his chest he still doesn’t think it would be close enough.

Buck knows he needs to pull back and breathe, but why would he ever want air if he could just breathe in Eddie for the rest of his life? If he had to pick a way to go, death by kissing the love of his life would be his preference. At least he’d die a happy, happy man.

However, Buck doesn’t have to make that decision because a gasp, followed by an exasperated, “Oh, thank god.” Draws their attention away from the moment, and directs it towards their thirteen-year-old, standing in the doorway, with Carla watching over his shoulder, with her signature smirk. “I take it you finally told him you’re in love with him, right, dad?” Christopher asks.

“Yeah, buddy, I did.” Eddie says, words directed at Christopher, but gaze full of unbridled love and adoration locked on Buck. Buck thinks his heart might just explode if Eddie keeps looking at him like that, and he absolutely doesn’t care.

“So, when’s Buck moving in? Are you getting married? Should I start calling both of you dad or should I think up another nickname for, Buck? Pops? I think I like that.”

“Woah, kiddo, slow down. This is pretty new for them, give them their time.” Carla says, resting her hands on Chris’s shoulders to literally reign him in.

He glances over at Eddie, expecting there to be a wave of terror. The last time someone mentioned marriage and being a second parent to Chris he nearly had a panic attack at the station. But, when Buck looks at him now there’s not a shadow of panic washing over him, only a smile that Buck hopes becomes permanent. He’ll never get sick of Eddie smiling.

“The answer to your first two questions is whenever Buck is ready.” Eddie says, shooting Buck a wink that makes him nearly melt into the kitchen tiles, before turning to face his son. “And for your last question, that’s all up to you and Buck. Buck, thoughts on the nickname change?”

“Umm… yeah, I kinda like Pops, too, buddy.” Buck feels his blush spread from the tips of his ears all the way down his chest. Buck thinks he might just have his own permanent smile forming on his face, too.

“Yes!” Chris says, breaking free of Carla’s grasp and rushing to throw his arms around Buck. Buck stumbles a bit from the fierceness of the hug, but quickly recovers and hugs him back just as tightly. “I love you, Pops.”

Eddie steps up to join their hug, wrapping an arm around both his boys, and pressing a kiss to Buck’s temple, right where his birthmark is. “I think he means, we love you.”

“I love you both more.” Buck assures them, as Eddie gently wipes a tear from his face. 

He’s too busy staring deeply into Eddie’s eyes to see Carla snapping a photo of their group hug. But know, that when she surprised them with a group of printed copies of it later that week as her housewarming present for Buck’s big move, Buck made sure to have a copy of the photo everywhere. One hanging on the fridge, one framed in their bedroom, and one hanging in his locker at the station. That way whenever he or Eddie looked at it, they’d always been smiling.

Buck knows now that his near-death experience might not be cool, but this life that he’s building with Eddie and Chris, now that definitely is. And the smile he gets every time he sees that photo of them only proves it.