Work Text:
Last week, my oldest son,
with a wild pitch, turned
my left ankle into an eggplant.
- Gakuhou
I read Montaigne who said
self-revelation is the purpose
of discourse, which, in his day,
meant knowing whether
to be flattered if a friend
didn’t use a food-taster,
or amused if a witch cast a spell
of weeping on an in-law.
- Karma
On occasion I’ll run into a lobby
to avoid greeting a friend,
not because my mind vanishes
and I can’t remember his name,
which is true, but because I
must flee what is darkest in me.- Gakushuu
Age Appropriate by Philip Schultz
The prodigal son returns for final year spring break. One would imagine a college student has much to do during final year spring break. Gakushuu has always been contrary. Perhaps that knowledge would help calm the nerves because this is a contrary situation.
Karma brews a pot of tea.
“Nagisa is telling me that we should have broken the news over text so he didn’t kill us in real life,” Karma says. “We should have listened to Nagisa.”
“I’m not telling my son I started dating over text. I still do want to have some relationship with him.”
“Yeah, because finding out it’s me is really going to smooth things over between the two of you,” Karma snorted. “There is no alternate universe where Gakushuu will be okay with this and I don’t even know if it would be you or me he has a problem with. It has been years since we spoke.”
Gakuhou frowned. “Do you not text?”
“We are not friends. We do not text.”
Gakuhou looked upset. “You are not friends with my son?”
“I am glad I am not friends with your son. I do not think I could be friends with your son and keep this,” he pointed between them, “a secret from him.”
Gakuhou let out a breath. “Right. Of course.”
Gakushuu Asano texted Gakuhou when he touched down in Japan, Narita International Airport. It was a forty-five minute and thirty two second wait before the doorbell. Gakuhou opened the door and Gakushuu greeted him in English - “You’re still alive!” (like an omen of his impending death) - and elbowed his father out of the way of the view to the living room.
Karma wondered if it was too late to hide behind the couch.
“Karma Akabane is in my house.” Gakushuu looked between Gakuhou and Karma. “Something is going on.”
Gakuhou says, “why don’t you take a seat?”
“I don’t want to.” He leaned his luggage against the wall - he didn’t bother to unlace his boots. He narrowed his eyes at Gakuhou. “Am I being replaced? Did you disown me because I didn’t stay in Japan?”
Karma coughed. “That is definitely not what is going on.”
“Because I’ll be okay with it,” Gakushuu says cautiously, still watching their expressions, and out of the corner of his eye Karma could see Gakuhou getting a little annoyed. “LIke, good riddance. Who wants to be an Asano anyways, right?”
Gakuhou glanced at Karma, who resolutely looked away.
The three of them continued to not speak and appraise each other warily. It’s ridiculous that Karma feels like the cornered one here when he and Gakuhou are supposed to be a team in this, dammit! He glared at Gakuhou - your son, settle it.
Gakuhou says, “sit down, boy.”
Karma sat down.
Gakuhou looked ticked off. “Not you, obviously. Gakushuu-”
“I don’t like the energy in this room,” Gakushuu says loudly. “If there’s an evil spirit that needs exorcising-”
“You’ve gotten sassy in America,” Gakuhou shook his head. “We need to have a family conversation.”
Gakushuu narrowed his eyes. “And Karma Akabane is here, because...”
Gakuhou fell silent, clearly unwilling to speak further, and Karma felt his gaze move to the back of his head. Karma ignored it. He continued to look at Gakushuu, as if he could just beam the words into Gakushuu’s head so he didn’t have to suffer the mortification of saying, hey bestie, guess what, we haven’t spoke in four years and I’m banging your dad-
“We’re not long lost siblings, right…?”
“No,” Karma said empathetically.
Gakushuu folded his arms. “Well, if this is a family conversation, you either have something to do with me or my father, which-” Immediately after the words left his mouth he pivoted on his foot and turned back towards the door. Gakuhou cringed.
Karma leaped out of his seat. “Wait!”
Gakushuu whirled on him. His eyes were bright violet (just like his father’s) and burning. “The next words out of your mouth better be April fools.” It is March.
“Asa-” Karma coughs lightly and flushes. “Gakushuu. Can I call you Gakushuu?”
“No,” Gakushuu says.
“Gakushuu,” Karma says. “I- we can explain.”
“I’m sure,” Gakushuu says pleasantly, and clamped a vice-like grip over Karma’s wrist. Gakuhou looked like he wanted to intervene, but Karma made throat-cutting motions in his direction - let him get it out of his system! - before he was kicked out onto the porch.
Gakushuu slaps something into Karma’s hand. It’s his credit card. “You’re a victim. Call a lawyer.”
Karma opens his mouth, but the door slams in his face. Three seconds later a lamp sails out the window.
Karma bangs against the door. “Gakushuu! Let me in, we can talk this out!” There’s a faint muffled yelling. Karma actually debates calling the cops for a moment, if only to prevent a homicide - but quickly the door opened again, and it was Gakuhou on the other side sporting the beginning of a black eye, and Gakushuu behind him looming over them like a district court judge.
He gives his verdict. “Akabane, get in. I want to talk to you. You motherfucker, drive yourself to the hospital.”
Gakuhou and Karma traded places at the threshold and exchanged a discreet look. Unfortunately Gakushuu was too observant and he gagged loudly, before shutting the door between them again.
He steered Karma to the couch. “Sit down. Explain.”
Karma sat down. “Your father and I are-”
Gakushuu sat down across him and took both his hands into his lap, and looked at Karma with such abrupt sincerity that Karma was genuinely taken aback. “Are you in trouble? Is it money? Are you being blackmailed? I can get you a lawyer. I can move you out of the country. I can murder him.”
“No!” Karma yelps. “I’m not being coerced.”
Gakushuu turns even paler. ”So you like my father out of your own free will? Gross.”
Karma sighed. “It was a shock for me, too.”
Gakushuu made vague gestures in the air and sputtered, “how? Why?!”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” Karma says. “I’ll tell you. In my second year of college-”
“Oh god, you’re a college student, ” Gakushuu sobs. “My father is a cradle robber!”
Karma is a little miffed. “I was twenty.”
Gakushuu scowled at the ceiling. “Tell me what happened in your second year.”
Karma takes in a deep breath. “I had a class where-”
“Nevermind. I don’t want to hear it.” Gakushuu flopped over on the couch. His shoes are still on. American, Karma thought. He’d wash the cushions later.
Gakushuu didn’t say anything for a long minute. Finally he peeked through the gaps in his fingers to stare at Karma again. “You’re still here.”
“...Did you want me to leave?”
“There was the slightest chance of this being a nightmare. How long?”
“A year.”
“Break up. You’re young, you’ll find someone new.”
Karma wrinkled his nose. “No. I- can we talk about it? First?”
“Are you sure you’re not in it for the money?”
Karma sighed. “I have generational wealth too. I’m not.”
“What do you see in him?” Gakushuu rolled his eyes, and then quickly said, “please don’t answer that. I don’t want to know. Who else knows about this? Do your own parents know about this? Do any of our ex-classmates?”
“Nagisa knows.”
“Who?”
“Nagisa. Shiota.” Karma gestures in the air. “This tall. Blue hair…?”
“I don’t know who that is. Give me their number. I need someone to corroborate this.”
Karma pulled out his phone, quickly sent Nagisa an apology text, and then gave Gakushuu his number.
Gakushuu dialled it right on the couch. “Is this Nagisa Shiota? This is Gakushuu Asano… remember me? Of course I remember you-” Karma rolled his eyes. “-About Karma Akabane and the Principal. Do you know- right. Okay. How- …. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. How much did they bribe you? I’ll double that amount. …Yeah, I was. I’m here for the week. Uh-huh. I’ll see you Thursday.” He hung up. “Was that a guy or a girl?”
Karma glared at him. “Nagisa is a man.”
“How could I tell on the phone?” Gakushuu grumbled. “And you’re supposed to ask these days. Are you a virgin?”
“Take your fucking shoes off. Do you really want an answer?”
“No, I don’t,” Gakushuu groaned, and leaned over to unlace his shoes. “Get out of my sight. I need to wallow.”
For a brief moment Karma wondered what it would be like to strangle Gakushuu on the couch with his own shoelaces. No, he decided, that wouldn’t be a worthy punishment. He could tell Gakushuu about the acts that have taken place on said couch instead, but then he feared he would be the victim at the end of the shoelaces, and then he would really need the lawyer.
Karma scratched his head awkwardly. “I’ll, uh, get started on dinner.”
“No,” Gakushuu says in horror. “You should - are you cooking? In my kitchen? For my f- you should be anywhere else. You should be at the club. You should be looking in the goddamn mirror-”
“I like cooking!” Karma defends. “Ever since middle school. Before that, even.”
“Thank fucking god,” Gakushuu says, dragging his hand over his face. “At least part of your personality is intact.”
Karma scoffed. “I’m not rolling over and giving up all my hobbies just because I’m in a rel-” Gakushuu had begun to look sick again at any implication that Karma was attached. “-ahem.”
“I’m googling the symptoms of stockholm syndrome,” Gakushuu says. He glares at Karma over the edge of his phone. “What are your plans for after graduation?”
“I’m on scholarship. I’m going to work.” Karma sniffs. “I’m not going to be your dad’s housewife, if that’s what you’re imagining.”
“Housewife…” Gakushuu mumbled, and began to look sick again. “I’m going to kill myself. Excuse me.” He walked to the fridge and took out the wine that Karma had been saving for date night - sighs - and popped the cork. He started to drink straight from the bottle.
Karma debated asking, did our straight-laced student council president become an alcoholic? And figured he didn’t have any leg to stand on if they were talking about uncharacteristic developments in adulthood.
“So,” Karma says, “how was your flight?”
“I wish my plane crashed,” Gakushuu says. “It was fine. What are your top three mental illnesses?”
“The ones I have, or in general?”
“Whatever.”
“Uh, borderline, obsessive compulsive, and…” Karma squints at Gakushuu and then to the carrot he’s chopping. “An… eating disorder?”
“Cool,” Gakushuu says. “Did you hit your head as a baby or were you just born with shit taste?”
“It’s my turn,” Karma says.
“We’re not playing twenty questions,” Gakushuu says, then relented. “Fine, ask me something.”
Karma tries, “what’s the strangest yet healthiest relationship you’ve seen in your time in the States?”
“I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get me open to the idea of you and my dad by having me make comparisons to more absurd examples and realizing this isn’t so bad. The answer is that it won’t work.” Gakushuu swayed on his feet. Karma eyed the bottle - it was half empty. He’s a pessimist. “The answer is - hic - no relationship will ever be as weird as this one.” He waved the wine bottle. “I went to school with you! He’s your ex-principal! He’s three times your age!”
Just a little over two, but the rest was fair enough, Karma supposed. He debated the merits of wrenching the bottle out of Gakushuu’s hands, but then figured Gakushuu was better kept busy. His phone buzzed. Karma moved to a corner to look at his texts.
[Hou] Is he alright?
[Karma] Getting drunk lol
Typing bubbles appear, and disappear, and appear again.
[Hou] I’ll get more
Gakushuu was looking down the bottle when Karma looked up from his phone. He mumbled, “do you have daddy issues?”
“You have daddy issues,” Karma says. “Stop drinking that.”
“You’re not my mom,” Gakushuu grumbled, and Karma thought about it and then thought about it a little bit more, and one of the spare kitchen rags hanging from the cabinet handles nailed him square in the forehead.
Gakuhou’s not bad looking for turning-fifty even with a bandage over an eye. Gakushuu was guarding Karma like a dog when he returned, so he could only run wide-berth along the circumference of the living room and high-tail it up the stairs. It was actually sort of sweet.
“I’m a twenty two year old grown man,” Karma says again for the fifth time.
Gakushuu’s face was red (it was the alcohol) and he was picking up and putting down little knick knacks and picture frames as he continued to walk laps around the living room. (He hadn’t gone up to his room nor moved his luggage from the foyer, Karma suspected he was considering a quick getaway.)
“Impossible,” Gakushuu declared. “You were in high school the last time I saw you. That was like, yesterday.”
“That was four years ago.”
“Go home for spring break, you’ve finished all your projects early, you haven’t seen your father in ages, I’m sure nothing life-changing or earth-shattering occurred while you’re away,” Gakushuu mumbled. “Well fuck you too, Avery. I hope you’re having fun with your thesis.”
“Who’s Avery?” Karma asks.
“None of your business.” He reached for the wine glass that Karma topped up with water. “This chardonnay sucks.”
Karma says, “Help me set the table.”
Gakuhou emerged after his shower. His hair was wet. Karma thought about patting it. Gakushuu was eyeing the bottle of Pinot that Gakuhou left on the counter, still in the bag.
“I made dinner for all three of us,” Karma says.
“Optimistic,” Gakushuu quips, and tipped half the bottle into his Stanley cup.
Gakuhou rubbed the side of his temple. “Thank you, Karma. Gakushuu, be polite. I was not this uncouth when I returned from Harvard.”
“If I see a single shred of evidence even hinting at the possibility of grooming, I’m hauling your ass to jail.”
Karma cleared his throat. “Your father isn’t like that.”
“Shut the fuck up,” Gakushuu says. “I grew up with him. I know what he-” He cuts himself off, and glares at the both of them. “Oh, I get it. This is a prank. I should have figured it out because I know what you two are like.” He throws his hands in the air. “Haha, you got me! You two conspired to give me a scare when you knew I was coming back. Well, it worked! You can drop the act now, hahahaha!”
Gakuhou winced. “Gakushuu…”
Gakushuu stops him with an accusatory finger. “No. Just… don’t.”
Gakuhou presses his mouth into a thin line. Karma attempts, “Gakushuu-”
“No. Not from you either.”
Karma and Gakuhou exchanged a glance. Gakushuu sourly stuffed noodles into his mouth, and chewed, and swallowed. “I’m going to be sick.”
Gakuhou whispered, “how much did he drink?”
“Not enough, I think,” Karma murmured, as Gakushuu staggered to retch into the sink. He tried to sneak a finger into one of Gakuhou’s belt loops.
Something hit the underside of the topmost floating kitchen cabinet. It was the back of Gakushuu’s head. He swore, and then started to sniffle.
Gakuhou stood up. “I’m putting him to bed.”
“You’re too soft,” Karma sighed at him, and Gakuhou smiled at him over the top of Gakushuu’s fluffy head as he hauled his son out the kitchen. Karma snapped a picture. In it Gakushuu had one eye open and his middle finger sticking up at him.
The pros of Gakushuu’s hangover the next morning was that he didn’t have enough dexterity to aim the book at Karma when he found him in his father’s bed. The cons were that he was in a simply unspectacular mood, and there went Gakuhou’s ideals of reconciliation.
“We’re going to set some ground rules.” Gakushuu says. “First of all, you two have to stand six feet apart from each other at all times. Covid rules.”
Gakuhou’s eyebrow twitched. “I’m done indulging your denial. You cannot restrict me from proximity with my boyf-”
“You are fifty years old,” Gakushuu says. “If the word boyfriend comes out of your mouth I’m killing myself.”
“I’m forty-nine.”
“And you’re not going to make it to fifty,” Gakushuu promises, a glint in his eye as he considered yesterday’s empty wine bottle.
A draft blew into the curtains and tipped it onto the carpet. “I’m calling someone to fix the window,” Gakuhou says. “Gakushuu, you’re paying for it.”
“Fucking fine,” Gakushuu says. “I’m not paying for your hospital bills though. It’s not my fault you brained yourself on the stair bannister trying to run from me.”
“I know,” Gakuhou sighed. “I’m not as young as I used to be.”
Gakushuu snickered. “Akabane, better start preparing that list of elderly care homes.”
“Fifty isn’t that old,” Karma says.
“How did you ever beat me at math?” Gakushuu marvels. “Anyway, bye. I’m going to go talk to some normal people.” Karma and Gakuhou watched as he downed two painkillers and slammed the door on them.
“He’s not going to go tell people, is he?” Gakuhou says.
Karma elbowed him lightly. “Why did you say that like you’re ashamed of me? No, I think he finds it too embarrassing. I don’t think he can even stomach saying the words right now.” He leaned into Gakuhou’s side and Gakuhou yawned into Karma’s hair.
The door opened. “Give me your keys. Oh god, keep the PDA to the bedro- no. I don’t even want to say that.” He grabbed the car keys off the end table. “I’m migrating. Seriously.”
“Should I stay the night today?” Karma asks.
Gakuhou says dryly, “I don’t think Gakushuu will survive.”