Chapter Text
Even before the Revenge had finished being constructed, and long before the ship even had one crewmember on its deck, Stede had created a very solid, unwritten rule for the vessel: Everyone who lived on it would have a very happy birthday.
This rule, of course, did not apply to him.
Of course, he had had a handful of birthdays in his past. . . but none he really enjoyed looking back on. Now, with his life here, at sea, he figured it was best to just let the day pass by. No mention of it, no fuss about it, nothing. Just another day.
As Stede finally got into bed that night, he was aware of what day it was. He knew that when he woke up tomorrow, it would be his birthday. Nothing special, he thought with a shrug. Might take a quick glance for some gray hairs, but then the day is free to do whatever Ed or the crew want. Maybe we could find a ship to raid, or something. That would make it a little interesting.
He knew for a fact that no one would even mention his birthday the next day. After all, almost no one onboard knew when his birthday even was. He had made a point not to mention it. To him, it just was not important. Stede had grown up in a very wealthy, fortunate household and he knew that well. Because of this, he found himself not needing much anymore. He expected nothing. Wanted nothing. Everything was just fine. No one on the ship had to make any sort of fuss over Stede Bonnet’s birth. There were much better ways to spend the day, more important things to do.
As Stede finally fell asleep, assisted by the sound of waves flowing over the ocean, he felt confident that the next day would be just like any other. The only person who knew it was his birthday tomorrow was Lucius. Stede had felt a need to mention it for his book, of course. But the young scribe had promised that everything Stede dictated to him for the book would be completely confidential. Besides, Lucius seemed like the type who could keep a good secret or two. In fact, there was a chance that the boy had forgotten about it anyway. After all, who among them would remember something as trivial as Stede’s birthday?
Izzy was shocked awake by a sudden sound: a random knock at his door.
He sat up straight as a board, panic going through him immediately. It was the middle of the night, or perhaps very early morning. Either way, no one would call for him at this hour if it wasn’t very important. He wasn’t on watch tonight, which meant this had to be an emergency of some kind. Kicking off the bit of blanket wrapped around his legs, he crossed the room quickly and opened the door to find . . . “Edward? What’s going on?”
“Hey, Iz,” he said somewhat nonchalantly. There was no fear, no panic, not even much urgency in his tone. “Sorry to wake ya, but we’ve gotta talk plans.”
“Wha— plans? Ed, do you have any idea what time it is?”
“‘Bout two in the morning. Do you know what day it is?”
“. . . Tuesday.”
“No. Well, yes, but, more important than that.” It had better be at two in the bloody morning , Izzy thought. “Today is Stede’s birthday. ”
Izzy blinked, sleep still lingering in his eyes. Since this was apparently not an emergency, it quickly became annoying. “And you're bringing this to my attention before the sun comes up because…?”
“Because we’ve got to plan it all out. C’mon, mate, just let me come in for a minute and I’ll let you go back to sleep. Hell, you can even sleep in a bit if you need to. But we’ve got to get the party plans all sorted.”
Edward’s eyes shined in the darkness and Izzy sighed, moving out of the way so the captain could enter his room. “Couldn’t we have worked this out earlier?” he asked, shutting the door behind Ed. “Not the day of?”
“Believe me, mate, I’ve been— ow, damn lantern.” The light at Izzy’s beside lit up the room as Ed stood beside it. Izzy, for his part, took a seat on the side of his bed. “I’ve been trying to work this out for months. Ever since we had my birthday party, I’ve been trying to figure out when Stede’s was and what we could do for it.”
“You couldn’t just ask him?”
“Tried that,” Ed told him. “He just deflects, like I’m not supposed to know. In fact, no one on the bloody crew knows except for Lucius. He told me pretty quickly, though. Word of advice, don’t tell him any important information, he’s got a real pair of loose lips.”
“Noted,” Izzy told him, as if he would tell Lucius anything of importance regardless. “So, the plan?”
“Right, yeah, the plan.” Ed paced back and forth in front of him. “I’ve been going in circles with it for months now, but I think I’ve got it all hashed out. Now I just need you to help me execute it. We’ve seen a fair amount of birthdays, yeah? There was yours, mine, even Swede’s. Man, that was a weird one. But hey, now we know his name is actually—”
“The plan, Edward,” Izzy interjected, seeing the man was starting to ramble.
“My point is —” And here, Ed stopped right in front of Izzy. “ — that Stede’s birthday has to beat all of those, yeah? We have to go balls to the wall with this one, got it, mate?”
“Got it. So, what’s the—”
“Nah, I gotta hear you say it.”
“. . . What?”
“Say we’re going balls to the wall.”
“Ed, for fuck’s sake, it’s not even daylight.”
“I gotta know we’re on the same page here, Iz. Say we’re going balls to the wall.”
“Edward.”
“Iz!”
“Ballstothewall, now what’s the fuckin’ plan?” Izzy blurted.
Edward smiled in the lantern light. “I wanna make this shit, like, really fancy. That’s probably what Stede’s used to, right? Rich people birthdays, all that? Besides, then I can show him how much stuff he’s taught me about being a gentleman!”
“And how exactly do you want to throw a fancy party on a pirate ship? Izzy asked, repressing a yawn. I fuckin’ hate fancy shit.
“We’ve got almost everything we need onboard already,” Ed explained. “We’ll have Roach whip up some fancy avant-garde foods. We’ve got decorations in the party closet already. We can even do those weird little folded up napkins. Plus, we’ll have the crew dress up in really proper—like clothes. I think we can fit most of them into some of Stede’s things.”
Oh, yeah. Happy birthday, Bonnet, we dirtied your whole wardrobe. “One problem,” the first mate began, seeing a sea of problems. “If we’re holding this on the ship, and Bonnet’s not meant to see us doing it, where the hell’s he supposed to go all day?”
Ed gave him a sneaky smirk. “Why do you think I’ve had the Revenge getting so close to Tortuga? Great tourist destination. Lots of shopping there. Did you know that?”
“No. Because I hate fucking shopping.”
“But Stede doesn’t. One step into Tortuga, bam, he’ll be gone for hours, promise. Sound good?”
“If you had all this in your head already, what did you need to wake me up for?”
“Because I’ll need you to help make sure the crew’s getting it all together. Besides, thought you would appreciate the heads up.”
This time, Izzy couldn’t hold back the yawn. “Fine. ‘F it’s what you wanna do.”
“Nah, mate, remember. Today’s all about Stede.” With a wink, he started to head towards the door. “Get back to sleep, Iz. Sorry for the poor timing. We’ll hash everything out with the crew tomorrow after I get Stede started towards land. . . oh, by the way, your feet hurt.”
“. . . What?” Izzy was sure he’d misheard him now.
“I need you to act like your feet are freaking killing you tomorrow. Just until Stede leaves, though.”
“What the hell do my feet have to do with—”
“Night, Iz.”
And just as quickly as he came, Edward was gone. The door was closed, and Izzy was alone again. He replayed it all in his head like a weird dream before mumbling, “yeah, ‘cause that makes sense.” Leaning over, he extinguished the lantern and laid back down.
He had the horrible feeling that he wasn’t going to be getting much more sleep.
Finally, after months of trying to put it all together, everything was starting to take shape. Step One: Make a Plan, was complete. Now it was onto Step Two: Tell People the Plan. He’d already started that with Izzy. Now, all he had to do was get Stede off the ship and then he could explain everything to the rest of the crew.
He stood on the upper deck, leaning on the rail, marmalade-covered toast in hand. A majority of the crew was awake by now and meandering around the deck. Even Izzy was awake, even though Ed had offered to let him sleep in. Should’ve known. Iz can’t take a morning off if his life depended on it.
“Good morning, Ed!”
Ed turned towards Stede’s ever-chipper voice. He was dressed in his nightgown and a pink, floral patterned robe. In his hands, he held two tea cups: one of his own, and one of the one’s Ed had gotten for his own birthday. “Thought you might like some,” he said, handing Ed the cup, as if this wasn’t their usual routine.
“Thanks.” He took the tea cup and drank some with a small smile. Peering down to the deck, he caught Izzy’s eye and raised up his eyebrows. The eyeroll he received told him his first mate got the message.
“So, what would you like to do today?”
Ed had to hold back a smirk. He really thinks I don't know. Good, I guess. He'll be extra surprised later. “Dunno. Could always just take it easy, see where the wind . . . Oh, shit.”
“Something the matter?” Stede asked, setting his cup back in its saucer.
“Yeah. Look at Izzy.” He pointed a thumb down towards the man. Just like he'd been told, Izzy was limping across the deck. He was wincing now and again whenever a boot hit the deck and trying to walk on the balls of his feet. Damn, he's actually playing it up pretty well. Maybe Iz missed his true calling as a performer.
“He looks to be in some pain. Perhaps we should have Roach take a look at him?”
“Nah, I've seen this before,” Ed told him gravely. “No doubt about it. It's Dead Man’s Foot.”
“Oh, dear! That sounds serious.” Stede furrowed a brow. “How does one catch it? We certainly don’t want the whole crew at risk.”
“Probably because Izzy’s always on his feet and only has the one pair of boots,” Ed explained quickly. “Looks like he’s already in the—”
“One pair of boots?! How can anyone only have one pair of shoes?”
“Focus, mate.”
“Right, sorry.”
“He’s already in the danger zone here, just by the way he’s walking.” Ed told him grimly. “If we don’t get this treated, he’s gonna get a killer rash on his feet. Then that’s gonna give way to infection and rot. Within the week, Izzy Hands will be walking on his hands.”
“Goodness! How do we treat it?”
“It’s called Ganso Salvaje cream.” He pulled the words right from the air, though he had no clue where he got them from. They sounded Spanish, but he forgot what they meant. Either way, Stede’s face told him he was hooked. “It’s very rare. Doubt we have what we need to make it on the ship. We’ll have to go out and try to buy some. Maybe an apothecary would know of it.”
“We’re close to Tortuga!” Stede said hopefully. “Maybe someone would know of it there. You and I could go and search for it.”
“Great plan, mate. But, actually, um. . .” Ed lifted his leg up against the wood in front of him, rubbing at the brace on it. “Slept on my leg wrong last night, kinda fucked it. I’d love to help look for it, but I think I’d just slow you down. Think you might be able to handle this mission on your own?”
Stede’s brown eyes widened and for a moment, Ed thought he saw a frown flash across his face. But if it was there, it was quickly replaced with a look of determination. “Well, as a captain, the crew’s safety is a priority. And even though Mr. Hands is not technically on my crew and he has threatened to stab me many times if I call myself his captain, this has to be remedied. I’ll head out to Tortuga and find what he needs. . . right after I've changed.”
Stede downed the rest of his tea and headed back towards the Captains’ quarters. Once the door was closed, Ed smiled, happy everything was starting off well. One day that “I fucked up me knee” schtik isn’t gonna work. Guess it wasn’t today, though.
True to his word, Stede changed into his teal suit and shoes and then had a dingy prepared so he could go ashore. “I really appreciate this, Stede,” Ed told him as the boat was being lowered into the sea. “You know, why don’t you check out Tortuga a bit while you’re there? Don’t think you’ve been there, have you?”
“I have not,” Stede confessed. “But isn’t this a bit of a time sensitive issue?”
“Eh, his feet aren’t gonna fall off in the next twenty four hours. I’m just saying, I know you and Iz don’t always see eye to eye, so helping him out is really nice. You should take in the sights, we don’t come here often. Get the cream, and then maybe check out some of the shops if you want. I’ve got the ship handled. Besides, Tortuga has some insane shopping.”
He saw something twinkle in Stede’s eyes and knew this was going perfectly. “Well, even with the somewhat rocky relationship Izzy and I have, I don’t want this disease to get any worse. I’ll find the cream and come back as soon as I can.”
“No worries, mate. Have a good time.”
Stede smiled and started his way down the ladder, only losing his footing once or twice. Ed watched as he started rowing off towards Tortuga. Once the man was almost a dot on the water, Edward turned around on his heels and shouted out, “Alright! Crew meeting!”
The chatter and movement on deck came to an almost immediate halt. That was one of the remaining perks of being Blackbeard: When he spoke, most people listened pretty quickly.
“Assemble on deck, now,” Izzy added, walking down from the higher decks. “We have business to attend to.”
“Hey, boss,” Fang began. “Your feet. You’re walking fine now, what was wrong befo—”
“Never mind that, focus on your captain,” the first mate barked, irritably.
The crew gathered together quickly and Ed and Izzy went to stand in front of them, like school teachers in front of the class. “Right,” Ed began with a clap of his hands. “You may not know this, but today is actually a very important day.”
“Christmas in July!” Roach shouted, excitedly.
“It’s March, you twat,” Izzy snapped.
“Actually, today’s special because it’s actually Stede’s birthday, ” Ed clarified before anyone else could throw out a suggestion.
“Oh, hell yeah!” Pete exclaimed. “Party!”
“Work first,” Izzy snarled. “Or the party looks like shit.”
“Yeah, and I want this to look really good, guys,” Ed explained. “I want this to be the fanciest bloody party Stede’s ever seen. I need everyone to help here. Lucius, I need you to go through Stede’s clothes and find some fancy stuff for everyone to wear.”
“On it,” said the scribe.
“Roach, we need the fanciest food you can whip up. The rest of you, get started on the decorations. Get out the fancy lookin’ streamers and balloons and such from the party closet and start setting up before Stede comes back.”
“How long do we have until he does?” Wee Jon asked.
“To be honest, I’m not sure. I sent him out for a while, but there’s no way to really say when he’ll pop back up.” A bit of anxiety bubbled up in Ed. What if he came back too soon?
“Beggin’ yer pard’n, Cap’n,” Buttons began. “If it would help, Karl has volunteered to keep an eye on Cap’n Bonnet and report back when he’s approachin’.”
“Perfect, yes! That’s a great idea. Oh, and you’ll have to get some kinda gift together! Any other questions?” The crew remained silent, a few shaking their heads.
“Right!” Izzy shouted. “Let’s get to work then!”
Ed was almost impressed with Izzy’s enthusiasm before he realized it was likely less about Stede’s birthday and more about some odd enjoyment he got from yelling at people. Either way, the crew disbanded. With that taken care of, Ed crossed the deck, happy to have things started. His plan was on its way . . . almost.
Actually, there was one thing that was missing from it all: He still needed to find Stede a gift. He’d been driving himself mad about it for months now, but he never found something he thought was good enough. After all, Stede had grown up wealthy. He had everything he wanted, as far as Ed knew. And anything he didn’t have, he could easily purchase. What do you give the man who could get whatever he wanted?
I gotta think of something, Ed told himself. I can’t do all this and end up empty handed. Damnit, Stede, whatever you do in Tortuga, take your time.