Chapter Text
Laudna sat by the slowly extinguishing fire, far enough that she could barely feel the heat brush against her legs. Everyone was peacefully sleeping, thankfully. It was a miracle there weren’t more nightmares among their group all things considered. Laudna had insisted on taking the first watch, knowing she’d be unable to fall asleep right now. If at all that night.
Imogen had given her a brief look of concern but still didn’t hesitate to drop down onto her furs and promptly pass out. She was exhausted, understandably so. Ever since landing on the moon, all of their senses were on constant high alert. Everything was unfamiliar, anyone could be an enemy and it was too much to hope that any people or Reilorans they met would want to aid them willingly.
Constantly watching over your shoulder, pretending to carry more strength than you had, lying through your teeth about everything, it was a tiring thing. None of them were used to it, not for such an extended period. For Laudna though it was like coming home. This was what she had always done. Act morose and evil to protect herself. Keep to the shadows. Never let anyone in.
And with her recent little chats with Delilah, it was all the more reminiscent of those old times.
There was one fact Laudna was increasingly aware of the past few days. She was expendable. There was no spot for her here after everything was done. Should they even make it far enough to save the world?
Orym had his family and the Tempest looking forward to his safe return. Fearne had her grandma and parents. Both had each other. Chetney was clearly enjoying his life as a werewolf and had dreams of making toys for children all over the world. FCG still had much to discover about their past and even more to learn about the world around him. He had the desire and potential to help the people around him wherever they went. Ashton had survived through enough shit in their life, the least they deserved was a more peaceful life after everything was done.
Imogen… her name brought with it a sting in her chest she hadn’t previously associated with the woman.
Darling, sweet Imogen had carved a place for herself among their group. Made friends with everyone in one way or another. She had a chance to carve out a relationship with her father if she so wanted. She could refine her skills as a talented sorcerer. She was so young, she had the whole world to see, and endless things to experience. People to love and be loved by.
What did Laudna have?
A dead woman in her head who was all too eager to take over should she be given the chance. The endless pursuit for power in service of her patron who would do gods knows what with it. A far-fetched dream about being able to keep the others safe. Of keeping Imogen safe.
Laudna’s not entirely sure anymore where Delilah begins and she ends. How much of all this anger and fear inside of her is actually hers? All those dark thoughts, the desire to consume and gain power. She feels no guilt about the people they’ve killed. She would kill anyone that gets in their way if that’s what is necessary.
Maybe Laudna and Delilah are not so different.
She can sympathize with Delilah as much as she fucking despises her presence in her head with her entire being. It’s why Laudna doesn’t entirely resist Delilah’s words, why she hasn’t worked harder to get her out of her head. Laudna built a fragile, unstable symbiosis with her. Even if the balance has always been dipped in Delilah’s favor.
And that is an incredibly hard pill to swallow.
That Laudna doesn’t hate Delilah as much as she should.
In fact, Laudna trusts that Delilah truly meant it when she said she’d help her protect Imogen. Who else could understand the need to keep her loved ones safe better than the woman who had given up everything to resurrect her husband?
Or maybe Laudna had let things get too far and now there was no stopping her descent into madness.
As far as she was concerned, Laudna’s life ended during her first and last dinner in Whitestone. There was never any hope for her after that. And any brief dream of something more was just that, a dream that would never come true.
There was no place for a corpse like her in this world. She had grown too bitter, too distrusting. Knowing that she was, at least in part, similar to Delilah meant that all she’d do was hurt others if allowed to live for too long. The best thing she could do for everyone around her, the only thing of worth she could ever accomplish, was to die before she could release Delilah Briarwood back into the world.
It was a dangerous game to play, she was well aware. There was a fine line between growing more powerful to be of more use when the time came to fight their foes and giving Delilah more chances to overpower and manipulate her with the very same power. She was making deals with the devil in hopes of gaining enough leverage to outsmart her one day.
Delilah had been a noblewoman, part of the Cerberus Assembly. She was intelligent and cunning, no doubt about it. In comparison, Laudna was lucky she was taught to read and write. So her plan was an extremely shitty one but at the same time, Laudna saw no other option.
At the very least, if Delilah possessed her body, she did not doubt that the Bells Hells would put her down. And if not them, Lord de Rolo himself would waste no time to be permanently rid of her, come hell or high water.
Somewhere deep down all she really wanted was to run off back to the woods, back to the comfort of dark corners and shabby abandoned huts she could slowly fix back up. With all the responsibilities they now shouldered, Laudna’s gloomy past brought on a nostalgic yearning.
Of course, she wouldn’t seriously do it. Run away, that is. Delilah was right, Imogen did need her for now. As long as she could fight, she was still of use. They had a whole moon-full of enemies to potentially fight against. Exandria needed all the firepower it could get. Imogen needed her to even the odds in battle.
Laudna needed to be around to protect her. Her mind screamed at her, clawing through her cold, dead body with the need to ensure Imogen’s safety. She had always been protective of Imogen and everything on the moon felt like a threat. And as long as Imogen was in danger, Laudna could justify sucking any amount of souls dry if Delilah gave her more power.
If she was going to die, she should at least do it while saving the one she loved more than anything in this universe. Laudna was prepared to help their cause at any cost.
Laudna’s eyes flickered Imogen’s way, taking in the way the young woman was deeply breathing, finally having a long-needed rest. She watched as she turned over, a scowl on her beautiful face as she reached out with her hand as if searching for something. Her expression cleared when she made contact with Fearne’s furry shoulder a few feet away, the other woman slightly pushing into it with a satisfied sigh even while deep asleep.
It was stupid and completely unreasonable but that little action left Laudna with an uncomfortable ache in her chest. A chasm she didn’t know how to fill. She was jealous of their growing closeness. All because the two had a connection with Ruidus. Hells, it was a rather suspicious connection apparently all Ruidusborn had and yet here Laudna was seething.
She hated this feeling. That little gnawing feeling of doubt, anger, and despair that blossomed every time the two women looked at each other recently. It was only amplified by the distance she felt between Imogen and herself.
Laudna should be happy. Imogen was making another friend. A sister, even. They had both grown up mostly by themselves. They were each other's first real friend and they had gotten extremely close extremely fast due to being so starved of positive interaction. They were dependent on each other. And in the end, their friendship turned romantic. Fearne could be a genuine friend to Imogen. The fey woman was fiercely loyal and clearly felt affection towards Imogen. This was a good thing. Yet Laudna’s disgusting mind tainted their innocent sisterhood.
It hadn’t even been two weeks since Imogen kissed her for the first time. Laudna had been ecstatic at the time to think that Imogen, the most important person in her life would feel genuine love towards someone like Laudna. She had taken comfort in being back at Imogen’s side. All those feelings admittedly left a sour taste in Laudna’s mouth now.
She didn’t want to invalidate Imogen’s feelings. She didn’t doubt that Imogen cared for her. She was her first real friend and Imogen was hers. No one could deny that they were close. But was it truly love? Or was Imogen just relieved to be back together after being separated for the first time in years? They were both new to romantic feelings. Maybe Imogen was confusing their friendship and any lingering attraction with true romantic love.
Laudna had assumed that this was all they needed for a perfect relationship. Everything would be alright now and they would be happy together. After all, that was how it went in the cheap romance novels Laudna had binged when she was alone. The pretty, swooning heroine was pulled into a kiss by their romantic interest and then it was happy ever after. Laudna felt all of that and more with Imogen. She made her so happy. But how could Imogen possibly love her?
How was she any different than Fearne when it came to kissing or anything more intimate? In fact, Laudna was certain Fearne was better. The fey woman had experience, she was confident and lively, quite literally in comparison to Laudna. Being with her didn’t have the added connotation that someone was going to be watching them when they were together.
Imogen had said so herself.
She was disgusted.
Laudna had distinctly noticed the lack of casual touching between them. It made sense. Who would want all that with Laudna when she came with such big baggage attached to her very soul?
Laudna didn’t have any say over Imogen’s life. The woman could do whatever she wanted, should do so without worrying about Laudna breathing down her neck. If she found something with Fearne that Laudna couldn’t provide then she had no right to interfere.
But fuck did it hurt.
The realization that she might not be as important to Imogen as the woman was to her.
The pain nearly consumed Laudna.
Yet it solidified Laudna’s resolve to give up everything she must to make sure Imogen survived.
There was no future for her. There never had been. It was time to stop fooling herself.
But she would make use of what time she had to ensure she would be of help in the coming fights. Laudna would grow stronger, she would play Delilah’s games but not give in to her schemes. She would do anything, even destroy herself to protect Imogen if it came to that.
In the end, no matter what, she would go down with the enemy.
Though…it could never be that simple.
If only Laudna could believe that after repeating it enough times in her head.
Truth be told, Laudna was afraid of death. She was terrified of how easily she let Delilah pull her along and how good it felt to gain more power the more souls she devoured. How long until Delilah devoured her? It felt so inevitable these days. She was scared of the moment that Delilah decided she didn’t need Laudna anymore or she wasn’t enough. She had no idea what would happen to her then. Would she forever live in Delilah’s shadow like she lived in hers right now? Where all she could do was scream into the void as she watched Delilah commit countless atrocities? Would she be tortured in the dark nothingness for the rest of eternity because her soul had nowhere else to go?
Laudna didn’t want to die. She wanted to follow Imogen wherever she went. She wanted to experience what it felt like to be in love and be loved back. She wanted to have a life full of laughter and adventure. Laudna wanted to wake up every morning next to Imogen and kiss her until they both needed to break apart for air. They would travel all over the world together and find a place to settle down. And Laudna would be the happiest woman in the world because the woman she loved, the greatest, most capable, charming, and beautiful woman in existence, would be right there with her. And Laudna would be free of any outside influence that threatened to break their precious bond.
Laudna craved to be alive more than anything else in the world. She dreamed of growing old by Imogen’s side. The only other thing she cared about more was Imogen’s happiness. Which is why nothing she wanted mattered. Laudna wouldn’t even consider her wants before she made sure that Imogen was satisfied and happy.
It was through pure luck that nobody found them in the few hours that Laudna was on watch. She was entirely too lost in her thoughts to notice anything around her. It wasn’t until Ashton’s firm hand landed on her shoulder that she was lurched back to the real world, flinching hard at the contact as she whirled to look at them.
Ashton grimaced as she took in her face. Laudna wasn’t sure what they saw but she knew it couldn’t have been anything pretty.
“Why don’t you go get some shut-eye, huh?” Their voice was gentler than she’d ever heard it.
Laudna stared blankly at them for a few seconds before she could find her voice, still feeling out of it.
“Okay.” She croaked out. She didn’t have the energy to refuse.
It was better anyway if someone was looking over them that would actually pay attention to their surroundings.
Laudna slowly unwrapped her arms from around her knees. Her whole body hurt as she straightened herself from the curled-up position she had locked herself in. She crawled toward the other side of the fire, away from Imogen and Fearne. She mindlessly unpacked her bag and crawled under warm furs.
She didn’t feel present in her body, like it wasn’t her own, ironically. She stared firmly in front of herself but couldn’t register anything happening around her.
Laudna didn’t even know when she had fallen asleep, only that when she opened her eyes, everyone else was up and picking out something to eat from their limited supplies.
She nibbled on a bread roll for breakfast. Nobody bothered her.
Another long day was ahead of them.