Chapter Text
“As for you, I think we should summon your parent or guardian,” Ada says to this new girl, Mildred, and Hecate couldn’t agree more. The girl is a walking disaster, one that doesn’t know their rules nor their culture and perceives magic as some variety of a game. Hecate doesn’t play games, not since she was a little girl, as she knows perfectly well where they lead and how one has to suffer in the end. She wouldn’t wish that for anybody, not even for Mildred Hubble.
So Hecate nods, ignoring the uneasy feeling in her stomach (Mildred has indeed saved the school today and, although Hecate is quite sure it was mostly a matter of sheer luck, she can’t but notice how quick-witted and selfless the girl has been, traits one doesn’t meet often nowadays).
When Mildred’s mother appears in the room, Hecate suddenly feels short of breath. At first she watches the woman from behind, sees her golden curls that look suspiciously familiar and tries to remember all the ancient goddesses witches have ever prayed to. It can’t be, she thinks to herself, trying to appear as calm as possible. What are the chances, really?
But when the woman turns around and Hecate sees her eyes, and nose, and lips – and her face is all so familiar, as if it hasn’t been thirty years – she feels her heart breaking. She ducks her head and tries so hard to not let out a cry. Because it’s Julie. It’s her Julie. Not anymore, Hecate corrects herself instantly.
But she used to be her Julie. She used to be the most important person in her life before Hecate went and ruined everything. She feels her eyes get watery and looks at Ada who is sitting on a chair next to her but who still doesn’t lift her gaze and doesn’t see how broken Hecate is all of sudden.
“I was just cleaning the toilet!” Julie says, with a toilet brush in her hand, and Hecate almost smiles. Would it be anyone else, she’d ridicule that person right away. But it’s Julie, it’s her – she still can’t believe it, for a moment she thinks maybe her brain is trying to trick her – and how can she laugh at the one person she used to love?
When Julie sees her, it seems nothing changes in her face. She’s still confused, although now it’s probably because she sees Hecate Hardbroom, of all people, in front of her. But Julie pulls herself together and starts play-acting – very well, if you decide to ask Hecate.
While Ada’s explaining everything that has happened today and Millie’s clutching her arm excitedly, Julie can’t but lay her eyes on Hecate again, and again, and again. She can’t believe it. She refuses to believe it. All her life she thought she’d never see the witch again, and here she is, alive and well, and more beautiful than Julie remembers her being. And oh, how she hates that her stupid heart still begins pounding heavily in her chest at the mere sight of Hecate.
She tries to say something to make Miss Cackle believe she was actually listening to her. “Magic is real?” is all that comes out of her mouth. Of course she knows magic is real. Of course she knows about witches and about Cackle’s because Hecate told her so much about this place when they were younger. She knows and remembers everything but she isn’t supposed to, so she decides to keep pretending.
“That is correct,” Miss Cackle answers, smiling.
“I can’t… No, I just can’t…” she turns to her daughter and acts like she can’t believe in magic, even if she has her whole life. What she can’t do, though, is face the person she used to love after all these years. What she can’t do is let Mildred study at the academy where she’ll be around Hecate every day. Julie just won’t be able to bear her daughter talking about that all the time. And knowing Millie, she will be talking about that all the time.
Hecate feels paralysed. She has stayed in the same position since Ada summoned Julie to her office, trying to regain her strength, and for a second she almost forgets how badly she wants to come back to her room and just cry there.
“If you need more proof, I’ll happily turn you into a pumpkin,” she doesn’t know why she says it and regrets it right away because she sees so much pain in Julie’s eyes that it makes her look away for a second.
“Hecate,” Ada says, and the witch is grateful that the headmistress is her anchor right now, even if she herself doesn’t have the faintest idea about it.
Julie doesn’t answer, and it feels worse than a possible insult coming from her. The woman looks at Ada instead. She talks with Ada instead as if Hecate were nobody, and maybe that’s what she deserves.
“So you’re magic and all the teachers are magic, and the girls learn… magic?” Julie asks.
Hearing her voice makes Hecate want to disappear as it reminds her of so many things they had together. It reminds her of how they used to sing and dance together in the middle of the street, and how they’d sit on Julie’s balcony and talk all night quietly so that her parents wouldn’t wake up. It reminds her how one night Julie was reading her favourite book about witches to Hecate, and then they kissed for the first time, and it felt like everything Hecate had ever wished for and even more.
The witch still remembers the feeling of Julie’s lips on her own because nobody has ever kissed her like Julie did – passionately and softly at the same time, as if she was the most precious thing in the world. She almost touches her own lips with the tips of her fingers but stops herself in time. “I see where Mildred gets her quick wits, Mistress Hubble,” she says instead, willing to get rid of these ugly feelings she doesn’t deserve to have anymore.
Only then does Julie answer her, and what an answer it is. “All right, Missus I’m-So-Magical,” she says, calm and proud. “If you think you’re so much better than me, how about conjuring up some manners?” Hecate’s not surprised by her words – Julie has always been able to defend herself – and at the same time, she is because it hurts her to know that after all these years the woman doesn’t seem to have changed much. She still seems as smart and witty as she was when Hecate met her, and what if it’s still the same person Hecate fell in love with? She truly has no idea what she’ll do then. The disaster she thought Mildred Hubble would be is nothing compared to her current situation. “And it’s Ms Hubble,” Julie adds, and the witch barely stops herself from squeaking.
Ada smiles at the woman in front of her, and they keep talking about something Hecate doesn’t hear because of how loud her heartbeat is; she knows if her arms weren’t crossed, her hands would be shaking so badly.
Suddenly, Julie and Mildred are gone, and Hecate realises they needed a minute in private. Ada turns to her and asks if she’s all right, and what can Hecate actually say? That seeing Julie makes her feel as heartbroken as thirty years ago? That this non-magical woman is the reason Hecate’s become who she is now? How would she even begin to explain that she knows Mildred Hubble’s ordinary mother? There’s too much to tell, more than she’s ready to anyway, so she just nods, and Ada lets it go. Hecate feels like she’s drowning.
Eventually, the headmistress transfers Julie and her daughter back and asks if they’ve reached an agreement. Mildred nods and smiles widely, and Hecate realises she must be staying. She doesn’t know how she’s going to survive seeing Julie’s daughter every day for the next five years, for goodness's sake.
However, she pulls herself together and addresses the girl, “Then you may go, Mildred Hubble. I shall need to speak to your mother privately before we transfer her back,” Hecate hopes her voice isn’t higher than usual, she hardly needs Ada questioning her behaviour right now.
Julie doesn’t even look at her and thanks Ada. Mildred smiles and hugs her mother tightly, then runs out of the office to meet up with her new friend.
Ada looks at the deputy headmistress questioningly, trying to remember what she’s missed. Hecate shakes her head no, and says, “It is all right, Miss Cackle. Just some small arrangements, there is no need to worry. We shall speak in the potions lab.” And with that, she transfers herself and Julie Hubble to the lab.
Julie doesn’t feel sick. Her body still remembers the feeling of being transferred by – with – Hecate so many times that it’s actually very pleasant. They say the more you’re transferred by one person, the more addicted to that feeling you become. Julie used to say Hecate Hardbroom had become her addiction. The memory stings.
Hecate doesn’t say it but she thinks the same thing, and her heart aches. “Julie…” she steps closer, and the other woman steps back. “May I call you Julie?” She asks on second thought.
“You did once,” Julie answers sternly. “Now it’s better if you call me Ms Hubble.”
Hecate nods. Her eyes are watery again but she doesn’t wipe the tears away because she needs Julie to know she cares so much. “I am so sorry for leaving, Ms Hubble. I had to,” her words are barely higher than a whisper, and her throat is so dry it hurts to speak. “Please understand-”
Julie cuts her off. “I understand it perfectly, Miss Hardbroom. You got bored and decided to find yourself another toy. I don’t care about your explanations anymore,” she takes a look around the lab, remembering all the times they talked about it. It used to be Hecate’s favourite place in the whole school. She always said she’d be a potions mistress when she graduated.
Julie remembers every moment with Hecate so vividly, and she hates herself for it. She tells herself she doesn’t want to have anything to do with the woman in front of her, not anymore. But she knows that if it still hurts to remember her, she is not over Hecate yet. And it’s been thirty years, how can she not be over her? How can she still feel so much for her?
Julie hates how seeing Hecate still makes her weak in her knees and how she gets all angry and happy at the same time. Because Hecate’s alive , she’s all right, she’s standing right in front of her, and that’s everything Julie could ever dream of. She wants to hug her and kiss her all night through. She wants to kill her because it means Hecate’s been all right all this time and she didn’t care enough to let her know.
“No!” Hecate almost yells then. Her voice seems so unnatural to herself because it’s full of feelings and she isn’t used to showing her feelings anymore. “I didn’t get bored with you,” she says to Julie. “I never did, I promise. Just let me explain, please,” the witch begs, and Julie frowns. Hecate Hardbroom doesn't beg.
The blonde doesn't step closer but Hecate notices she doesn't step back when the witch comes up to her. She thinks it must be a good sign.
“When we met for the last time, at your mother's café, somebody saw us. A member of the school staff,” she begins. “When I came back that night, I was told the headmistress wanted to speak to me. I assumed it was about my being late but when I came into her office, I realised they knew about you. About us,” Hecate feels tears running down her cheeks, and suddenly her chest is so heavy she can barely breathe. She looks Julie in the eye and sees a little bit of worry there. “I was told that I must stop seeing you immediately. Otherwise, they would expel me from the academy and inform my mother about what I had done. You know my mother, Julie- Miss Hubble,” she corrects herself right away.
Julie feels exhausted. That's not what she expected this day to be. She wants to help the other woman calm down — she could never bear watching Hecate cry — but she wants to escape this place even more.
Hecate continues, “You know what she would've done to me for having a non-magical person as a friend.” She hesitates a little and then adds, one more truth she allows herself to share today, “For loving a non-magical person, who also appeared to be a woman.”
Julie does know what Constance would've done, indeed. Those days it was barely normal to love a person of the same gender in their world. In the witching world it was a crime. Besides all that, Julie was non-magical, as Hecate’s pointed out.
But that's not what bothers Julie more than anything else. 'Loving a non-magical person' hits her so hard she doesn’t feel she’s strong enough to stand anymore. They never said they loved each other. They were friends for a long time, and then they dated for a while, but it never came to saying 'I love you'. Julie thought – hoped, really – they both felt that way, but neither of them was ever brave enough to say it out loud.
So here they are, thirty years later, and Hecate's telling her she loved her. Julie is just so, so tired. She wants to go home, eat her vanilla ice cream that's waiting for her in the freezer, get into bed and maybe cry for the next twenty-four hours. She's exhausted and frustrated, and she doesn't know what Hecate wants her to say.
The witch notices how pale Julie is all of a sudden and touches her shoulder gently to see if the woman will push her away. Julie does. Hecate feels her heart sink.
“Look, Miss Hardbroom,” the blonde woman says. “I understand why you did that. But it doesn't mean you were fair,” Hecate's willing to listen to whatever she says, because she wants to know what Julie feels and because it’s somewhat a miracle to hear her voice after all this time.
Julie continues, “You told yourself you were doing it for the best, and you had an excuse to tell yourself all these years. But I didn't know what to think. Sometimes I thought your teachers had prohibited you from coming to our world. Sometimes I thought you'd found someone else. Sometimes, that you had come back to your mother, although I knew you wouldn't do it willingly. But my point is, I didn't know what had happened,” her voice doesn't break. It's calm and still, and even a little bit cold. It frightens Hecate.
“You could tell me right away, so that I wouldn't think you were dead or sent to Wormwood. But you didn't. You could reach out when you became a teacher. Still, you didn't,” she sighs before continuing. “If you'd ever told me the reason, I would've survived. But you didn't, and I had to live thirty years, not knowing what had happened to you and whether it had been my fault or not,” Julie closes her eyes for a second. She feels she may pass out any minute now. “And I think I understand, I really do. But I can't forgive you for that, not now,” she says 'not now', and Hecate hopes maybe there's still a chance. But then Julie tells her, “It's been a long day, Miss Hardbroom. I'd prefer it if you transferred me to my flat right now.”
Hecate nods and does as she's told, not daring to say anything. As soon as Julie is in her flat again, she silences her phone and goes to bed. Ignoring a pleasant feeling of being transferred again, she falls asleep right away.
Meanwhile, in another part of the city, Hecate lowers herself onto her chair, crying silently, feeling her life turn upside down once again.