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Suguru feels like shit because of what he has to do soon, but there’s no going back now. His mind is made up and he won’t change his stance on this.
Still, his heart hurts in his chest as he enters the hotel room he’ll meet Satoru in, because with this, he’ll also most likely end the best thing that ever happened to him. Well, almost the best thing, because there’s still the reason why he’s ending this.
He’s not smiling like he normally would be when he enters the room and even though Satoru excitedly bounds up to him to greet him, Suguru can tell that he instantly knows that something is going on.
“Hi,” he still says first, greeting Suguru with a soft kiss and Suguru would love to lose himself in that, would love to just shut his brain off and accept this for what it is, but he can’t.
He loves Satoru too much to do that.
“Hi,” he still gives back and pulls Satoru close, revels in that touch for as long as he can, before he slightly pushes Satoru away.
“I thought we couldn’t meet at your place today, because Shoko could drop by but something is up, isn’t it?” Satoru asks, no accusation in his voice and he threads their fingers together.
“Satoru, we have to talk,” Suguru gives back and just like that it’s out there.
Suguru knows that Satoru understands the implications of such a sentence.
“Oh, wow, ouch,” Satoru mutters, but still pulls Suguru over to the bed by his hand.
He gets them situated on it, Suguru stretched out on it and Satoru curled into his side, his head on Suguru’s chest and Suguru’s arm around his shoulder and Suguru allows it.
It’ll be the last time he gets to do this, so he’ll allow it.
“Okay, hit me with it,” Satoru mutters after a quiet minute they both take to enjoy this and Suguru sighs.
“Satoru, I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry, but I can’t.”
“Do what? Us?” Satoru asks for clarification and Suguru buries his face in Satoru’s hair.
“This situation,” he gives back. “This sneaking around, I just—I don’t know how to keep you secret. I don’t want to anymore, Satoru.”
“I don’t understand, it was fine,” Satoru says and cranes his head to look up at Suguru. “Don’t you love me anymore?”
“I love you too much, that’s the whole problem,” Suguru sighs out. “You have made me so happy, happier than I’ve ever been in my life and people are starting to notice. They ask me what’s changed, why I’m so happy and relaxed lately and I can’t talk about it, because talking about how I’m in love with the most wonderful man on the earth is not something I can do. Because you asked to keep us a secret.”
“And you were fine with it,” Satoru shoots back and he’s not wrong.
Suguru readily agreed when Satoru told him that if they did this they’d have to do it in secret; it had been a no-brainer for Suguru because he’d rather have Satoru in secret than not at all, but things change.
They changed for him.
“I was,” Suguru agrees. “But I love you so much; I always want to talk about you. When I smile stupidly down at my phone because you sent me a meme and someone asks what’s so funny, I have to lie about what makes me happy. When people ask me why I can’t meet up at the weekend, why I never have time for them anymore, I can’t tell them that I’m meeting the love of my life. And it’s killing me, Satoru. I don’t want to keep you a secret. I understand why I have to, but I don’t want to. And it’s not going to work out like this.”
The things is—Suguru does understand. He understands the pressure of family, of expectations that can never be met, of disappointment being thrown his way in spades. But for him it was just his parents in a relatively small village. No one cared once he moved out and with the distance even his parents came around.
Things are different for Satoru; he’s from a very prominent, influential Clan and he’s been in the spotlight since he could walk. If this gets out, it will have more of an impact, more ramifications than Suguru can probably imagine and so he readily agreed when Satoru asked to keep it secret.
And from what Suguru has heard about Satoru’s parents—and what he has seen on TV—he wouldn’t put it past them to punish him in whatever way, too, so of course telling them is out of the question.
He would never endanger Satoru like that.
But that only leaves him with one other option.
“Are you giving me an ultimatum?” Satoru wants to know, mindlessly dragging his finger in non-sense patterns over Suguru’s chest.
“No. I wouldn’t force you to do that. I’m just—ending things.”
It almost chokes him up, saying it like that, but he has to. He has to do this, for the both of them. Their relationship is not going to work out if they keep going like this and right now things are still good.
Right now he can leave Satoru, knowing that he’s the best thing that ever happened to him, instead of bitter and angry, like he’d surely turn in the future.
“So you don’t even give me a chance to fix it?” Satoru asks and Suguru sighs.
“The chance is there, Satoru,” he mutters. “But I’m not forcing you to choose. If you think you can tell your parents—fine. You know where I am. But I’m not—that’s not the condition, okay? I’m ending things, today, no matter what you say or what you promise. It’s over. And what happens after—we’ll see.”
“That’s—kind of cruel,” Satoru huffs out, his voice suspiciously wet and just hearing it is enough to bring tears to Suguru’s eyes as well.
“I know. I know, Satoru. If it helps at all, I’m breaking my own heart as well.”
“Only makes it more stupid,” Satoru mutters, but he presses himself closer, burrows as much into Suguru as he can and Suguru knows that he understands.
He might not like it, but Satoru understands as well.
“I’m sorry,” Suguru says, pulling Satoru up until he can pepper his face with kisses. “I love you. I’m sorry.”
“I’m going to hate you for this, a little bit, for a while,” Satoru warns him and Suguru nods even though he knows it’s a lie.
Satoru can no more hate him than he could hate Satoru and maybe, if they could, things would be easier between them.
This, at least, would be.
“Do you—plan to stay the night?” Satoru asks after a moment and he sounds so hopeful that Suguru hates himself for having to crush that.
“No. I’ll leave soon.”
“I see,” Satoru whispers and Suguru kisses the escaping tear away before it can make its way down Satoru’s face. “I wish I’d never met you.” His voice is barely audible in the space between them and this too Suguru knows for the lie it is.
Satoru made him the happiest man on earth; the same is true for Satoru, Suguru knows it. And if he can’t bring himself to regret the time they spent together, then he doubts Satoru can either.
And still, he partially agrees.
“It would make things easier,” he gives back and gently extracts himself from Satoru. “It would spare us this.”
Before he can get off the bed, Satoru’s hand snatches his.
“Was it worth it? Even when it ends like this? Was it, Suguru?”
“Of course it was, stupid,” Suguru softly says and leans down to press a kiss to Satoru’s forehead. “Knowing you, loving you—it will always be worth it and I wouldn’t change it, even if I could.”
“Alright.” Satoru nods, though he doesn’t seem much happier with that answer. “I love you.”
“I love you, too. Goodbye, Satoru.”
Suguru leaves him there, on the bed, without a look back. He knows that if he were to look back, he’d stay, and he’d doom them both and so he keeps his head facing forwards and he simply walks away from his one and only.
It’s the worst kind of pain he ever experienced.
~*~*~
Suguru doesn’t hear from Satoru, because of course he doesn’t. They broke up; there would be no reason for Satoru to write him anymore. It’s still jarring, to adjust to a life that isn’t filled with Satoru and forcing himself to not look at his phone every five seconds out of habit is proving to be hard, so he mostly keeps it at home these days.
He still can’t bring himself to delete or block Satoru’s number.
Suguru arrives at home tired and weary after work, after a myriad of questions from his co-workers who all noticed that something is wrong with him and he wants to do nothing more than flop down on the couch and let his thoughts be drowned out by whatever stupid nonsense is on the TV, but he does go to find his phone first. He needs to at least check it every now and then.
When he picks it up, the helpful little bubble tells him that he has more messages than he reasonably knows what to do with, and for a split second Suguru wonders if someone died, when his eyes fall on a too-familiar name.
‘Call me when you get home’ is all Satoru wrote to him, after two weeks of absolute radio silence and Suguru has pressed the call button before he can consciously decide to do so.
“There you are, thank fuck,” Satoru breathes out after the first ring and Suguru is too confused to say anything. “Have you turned on your TV yet?” Satoru asks him, sounding slightly out of breath and Suguru frowns.
“No. Should I?”
“Hell no,” Satoru immediately says with a laugh and Suguru barely understands him over the background noise.
“Are you outside? What’s going on?”
“Listen, do not open the door for anyone expect me. Don’t answer your phone if it’s not me calling and please don’t look at any messages yet. I’ll be there in ten minutes and I’ll explain in person.”
“You’re starting to freak me out,” Suguru mutters. “But fine,” he eventually agrees, because he’ll always agree when Satoru asks him for something.
“Thank you,” Satoru says, sounding more out of breath than a minute ago.
“Are you running here?” Suguru asks with a frown and his only answer is Satoru’s panting breath. “Fine. I’ll read all of my messages if you’re not here in fifteen,” he then says, because he’s just as much of an asshole as Satoru can be and before Satoru can say something to that Suguru hangs up.
He’s tempted to do just what Satoru begged him not to, of course, but he stuffs his hands into his pockets and takes to pacing his living-room.
Suguru can’t remember the last time he didn’t see Satoru for two whole weeks but his mind comes up empty. Ever since they’ve met—even before they got together—they have met almost daily. He thinks three days was the longest they ever went without seeing each other and he almost feels sick with nerves.
He can’t help but to wonder what Satoru doesn’t want him to see yet, what he wants to explain in person and of course, he can’t stop himself from hoping.
Suguru made his stance clear. If Satoru is on his way here, surely it must mean—
His thoughts are interrupted by rapid knocking on his door and a quick look at the watch tells Suguru that seven minutes have passed. He eagerly makes his way over to the door but Satoru told him not to open it for anyone but him and while Suguru is certain that Satoru could have made it here in seven, he cannot be completely sure.
“Satoru?” he carefully asks, voice just loud enough to be heard through the door and he lets out a relieved breath when a muffled “Yes, now open up, I need to collapse somewhere that’s not out here.”
“Don’t make me laugh, you’re more of an athlete than I am, there’s no way you’re about to collapse,” Suguru says as he opens the door and he immediately finds himself with an armful of Satoru. “Hey, hey, careful,” Suguru mutters, scrambling to steady them lest they fall flat on their asses but Satoru is not any help at all with the way he’s clinging to Suguru.
“I have missed you,” Satoru breathes out and before Suguru can make him pull away, he moves away on his own. “Sorry, sorry, inappropriate, I know,” Satoru rushes out, raising his hands in defense and finally closing the door.
Right in the face of a panting reporter it seems, and Suguru turns towards Satoru with a frown.
“Explain,” he demands because for all that he’s elated to see Satoru, he can’t allow himself to feel that too deeply if he doesn’t know what’s going on.
Satoru could still leave any moment now and Suguru would have to mend a broken heart again.
“Right, okay, so,” Satoru starts, and just like Suguru a few moments ago, he starts to pace the living-room, accompanied by the ringing of the doorbell.
Suguru does not go over to check what the reporter wants because whatever is happening, he’d rather hear it from Satoru first.
“Satoru,” Suguru prompts when it takes too long for Satoru to start talking and Satoru turns around to him, a look of helpless despair on his face.
“I fucked up,” he says and wrings his hands in front of his chest. “Well, actually, I tried to make things better, by telling my family about you and somehow they misunderstood?”
Suguru’s heart almost beats out of his chest when he hears that Satoru told his family about them, but he’s still not sure what’s going on, so he forces the bubbling happiness down.
“They misunderstood what?”
“Apparently, me telling them about you equates to us being an established item.”
“Okay,” Suguru agrees, because so far he can’t see what’s there to misunderstand. If Satoru did tell his family, then for all that Suguru cares they are in a committed relationship.
“And we’re set to marry in spring,” Satoru rushes out and Suguru blinks.
“Come again?”
“Fuck, I knew you’d hate it, goddamit,” Satoru mutters and pushes a hand into his hair, tearing on his strands.
“Satoru, calm down and tell me what that means,” Suguru forces himself to say and Satoru deflates where he stands.
“I told them everything; how we’ve been sneaking around for a while, how you complete me in a way I didn’t think was possible, how I can’t live without you. And somehow that led to them hearing we’re engaged and they set the wedding for spring.”
“You—can’t live without me?” Suguru breathes out and in two big steps he’s right in front of Satoru. “You told your family?”
“Suguru, are you not listening, they think we’re getting married!”
“Yeah. So lets.”
“Lets what?”
“Get married,” Suguru simply says because this hardly seems like the worst thing in the world to him.
“You broke up with me two weeks ago!”
“I broke up with you because I love you more than my own life, Satoru. I—” Suguru bites his lip before he decides to fuck it. “My plan was to ask you to marry me if you should tell your family about us. That has always been my plan, Satoru, so I really don’t care.”
“You—want to marry me?”
“Satoru, are you not listening to me? You’re my one and only, who else am I going to marry if not you?”
“You don’t understand what that means, Suguru,” Satoru says, desperation colouring his voice. “That reporter out there? One of many. It’s already all over the news, your face, who you are; I bet your phone is blowing up with notifications from your family and friends, demanding to know why they had to hear about this over the news instead of from you directly. You have no clue what it means to date me, openly, publicly.”
“I guess I’m going to find out, right?” Suguru says and then hesitates. “I mean—assuming you still want to. I kinda just assumed with you telling your family and all.”
“Oh, for fucks sake don’t be stupid,” Satoru groans out and pulls Suguru into a kiss. “Of course I want to.”
“Great. So, a spring wedding, huh?”
“My mom wants cherry blossoms everywhere,” Satoru tells him with an eyeroll and Suguru laughs, happy and in love and apparently engaged.
“Let her have that. We get what we want on that day, too, so let her have that. Do you need me to go down on a knee?” he asks, completely out of the blue if Satoru’s confused blinking is anything to go by and Suguru laughs when Satoru goes bright red in the face.
“Suguru!”
“What? Do you want me to, yes or no?”
“Yes, okay?” Satoru mutters and hides his face behind his hands.
Suguru pulls his hands away, pressing kisses to his palms before he peppers them all over Satoru’s face and then he smoothly goes down on one knee.
“Satoru,” he starts and immediately, Satoru tears up, so Suguru decides to keep it simple. “Will you marry me?”
“Yes,” Satoru manages to get out, right before the tears spill over and Suguru laughs as he gets back up and immediately moves in for a kiss.
It tastes of salty tears, sugary love and never-ending happiness and Suguru wouldn’t have it any other way.
Just like he wouldn’t have Satoru any other way than as his husband. He can’t wait for spring.