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“You’re always mentioning “getting me back to Kairi,” you know. What’s up with that?” Sora asks, folding his arms on the balcony railing. His brain seems to catch up with him, though, and his eyes widen. “Don’t get me wrong, she’s one of my best friends and I’d love to see her again as soon as possible! But you just keep saying it like… like it’s the only thing I want? So, what’s up with that?”
Confused, Riku frowns, scratching the back of his neck, “Well, I figured that’s what’s most important to you since, you know…” It’s cowardly, but he doesn’t want to say it. Thinking it already hurts enough and having Sora confirm it out loud would just put the final nail in his stupid coffin.
Sora tilts his head back at him, lifting an eyebrow. “Since what?
His frown deepens as Sora leans back from the railing to turn toward him with a confused look of his own. Guess he’s gonna have to spell it out anyway. God, he loves this boy but sometimes he wishes he could just read between the lines for once.
Trying not to make what he’s doing too obvious, he takes a deep breath to steel himself and says, “Well, aren’t you two dating?”
In any other circumstance, the way Sora’s eyes bulge out of his head would be comical. Right now, it just leaves Riku even more bewildered.
“What?!” Sora yelps, looking at Riku as if he’s grown two heads. “Where did you get that idea?!”
Okay, Riku is completely lost now. “Are… are you saying you’re not…?”
Blushing, he shakes his head emphatically, “No! We’re just friends!”
Why does he sound upset by the idea of Riku thinking they were dating, too? What the hell is going on?
“But, you shared a paopu fruit with her and everything…” Riku stammers, feeling the need to justify his assumption while still reeling about how that was all it was: an assumption. He had thought it was a fact for over a year now.
“Only after she said it was a good luck charm for the coming battle,” Sora explains, his cheeks still rosy. “But honestly, I kinda assumed it was a romantic thing, too, at first, but she assured me it wasn’t. The whole thing was kinda weird… Not in a bad way, it was just strange.”
Chuckling a tad awkwardly, he turns to look out at the city again. “She shoved the paopu in my face, and I nearly fell off the tree in surprise. But you know what was the weirdest thing?” he asked, pausing as he tilted his head up toward the sky.
Stepping up beside him, Riku focuses his gaze above as well. “What?”
“The first thing I felt, when she offered the paopu to me…” he smiles self-consciously, “was panic. I thought it was romantic and I got so anxious. Weird, right?”
Riku is inclined to agree. He has thought that Sora had a crush on Kairi for years. So why would he be panicked about sharing a paopu fruit with the girl he liked? In theory, that should be a really special moment.
“Any idea why you felt like that?” he asks quietly. “I thought you, you know, liked her.”
“Well, ‘course I like her! She’s one of our best friends!” he exclaims, his teasing grin a bit more like the smile Riku was used to seeing. “But I get that you mean, you thought I like liked her.”
The phrasing sends a pang of melancholy through Riku. It’s childish in a way that makes sense for Sora given he’s lost literal years of his childhood to being asleep or otherwise occupied. It reminds him of how many hardships they, especially Sora, have had to face at such a young age. It’s not fair.
Riku frowns again, “And you don’t?”
Shifting a bit in place, Sora turns his head toward him, but doesn’t really meet his gaze. “I thought I did, for a while. But then things changed once I woke up from that pod in Twilight Town. I couldn’t really tell at the time, but when she gave me the paopu, that’s when it kinda hit me that something was different,” he chuckles, the self depreciation back in his voice. Riku decides he doesn’t like that tone one bit. “Or, maybe different isn’t the right word. I guess I just really thought about it for once and that made me realize that maybe I never felt that way in the first place. After all, if I did actually have a crush on her, why would my first thought be panic?”
Riku wants to just agree, but that wouldn’t be right. Clearly his friend is having trouble sorting through his feelings and he shouldn’t just agree to make himself feel better.
Fists clenching on the railing, he suggests, “It could’ve just been shock. From the suddenness of it all?”
“No,” Sora replies with a firm shake of his head. “It wasn’t just that. Cuz even now, if it Kairi offered me a paopu in a romantic way, I wouldn’t do it.”
Riku was shocked. “You… wouldn’t?”
“It’s weird, right?” he lets out that sad little laugh again, scratching his cheek. “I can’t even really say why I wouldn’t even give it a shot. But that must mean I don’t like her like that, right?”
This time Riku can’t help but agree, breathing out a small, “Yeah…” and nothing else. He’s still stunned at this revelation and now he’s reexamining all his prior interpretations of Sora and Kairi’s interactions before this moment. To him, it had always been that Sora liked Kairi. It was always a given that Sora and Kairi would end up together and have their happily ever after and it was always a given that he wouldn’t be part of that. But now, everything has changed.
It’s quiet between the pair for a few moments as they just stare out at the barely visible stars. Light pollution, Sora had told him. Makes it harder to see them. He finds himself nostalgic for the days where he and sora would stargaze on the beach. The stars were always so beautiful on the islands.
“You know,” Sora murmurs, trying not to break the quiet too harshly but still managing to startle Riku out of his stupor. “The whole “ like liking” thing… I don’t really get it.”
“Oh?”
He deflates a little, his eyes shifting downward as he leans against the railing. “I’ve gone to so many worlds and seen so many couples, so you’d think I know what love is supposed to be, right? But I don’t. I don’t get how it’s supposed to feel.”
Riku ponders the words as he looks back at Sora, who is pointedly not meeting his eyes. He sounds like that makes him less than somehow. And although Riku can’t relate to the feeling, the last thing he wants is for him to think that he’s less than in any way.
“It’s okay not to know,” he says softly.
Sora looks up at him, his eyes vulnerable in a way that makes Riku’s chest tighten. “It is?”
“Of course it is,” he assures, hoping his conviction comes across. Sora looks less down on himself at least, so that’s something.
“But what if I never know? It’s such a big thing to miss out on, isn’t it? Everyone talks about like it’s this life changing thing. I don’t want to not experience it…”
He shrugs, offering Sora a small smile. “If you never find out, that’s okay, too. Other forms of love are no less important. Besides, the importance of romantic feelings varies from person to person and you can choose how much value to associate with it. If that ends up being none, you’re no less human for it. No less complete without it.”
It’s selfish, but Riku’s heart aches a bit thinking that Sora might not experience romantic attraction. It’s not that he ever thought he had a chance with Sora anyway, but cutting that path off completely hurts in a way he desperately wishes it didn’t.
But this isn’t about him. Sora is in need of support and he would rather jump in front of another red hot blade than abandon him again.
“But I want to experience it,” Sora whines, his petulant tone hiding the hollow sadness underneath. “I don’t want romantic love to have no value in my life. Thinking that it’s something I can never understand makes me feel…” he trails off, tone uncertain. Maybe he’s having a hard time putting his feelings into words.
Riku puts a hand on his shoulder, a move he hopes is comforting and grounding, and he looks up at him as if he’s the light at the end of the tunnel, guiding him out of the dark place he finds himself in. The pressure of that look weighs down on Riku, but he refuses to fold.
“It’s okay to be scared, and it’s okay to be uncertain. It’s not a guarantee you won’t understand it with time, either. But even if you don’t, it’s going to be okay. You’ll keep learning more about who you are and you’ll reach a place where you’re happy with yourself and the relationships you have with those around you. I’m sure of it.”
Sora smiles at him. It’s not his signature big grin, but it’s real and it reaches his eyes. That’s what matters. “Thanks, Riku. That means a lot.”
Squeezing his shoulder with a matching smile, Riku lets go and looks back toward the sky. He’s about to mention how different the stars are here from the ones back home again, when the other boy leans forward against the railing mischievously. “You know, it might help me understand what it’s supposed to feel like if someone explains it to me. And you seem to know, so why don’t you tell me how it feels?”
Riku immediately flushes and he desperately hopes the scant light makes the redness on his cheeks less visible. But, given his complexion and how he saw Sora’s blush earlier, he doubts it.
How is he suppose to answer that? His crush is asking him to describe what love feels like and the only experiences he has with this kind of love are the feelings he has for one who posed the question. It feels like an impossible inquiry to try to answer.
But he doesn’t want to leave Sora hanging either. So maybe he can just be vague.
“I mean, it can feel different from person to person, but if you want me to tell you how it feels to me, then… I can try, I guess…” he mutters, rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment.
He pauses again as he tries to translate his miscellaneous thoughts into words. Sora looking up at him expectantly isn’t exactly helping either.
“It feels… nice.”
When there’s no follow up, Sora lets out a loud snort, making Riku pout petulantly. Rolling his eyes fondly, he giggles, “Wow, Riku, that’s sooo specific. After such a thorough description like that, it’s so clear to me now!”
“Hey, it’s hard to describe on the spot, okay?” he replies, elbowing the other boy with a small grin. “And I wasn’t finished either, you cut me off.”
“That long pause was just for dramatic effect, then?” teases Sora, elbowing him back.
Riku’s grin widens as he wraps one arm around Sora’s shoulders and pulls him into a headlock to give him a noogie. A remnant of the good old days. “Look, if you’re gonna keep being a brat, then I’m not gonna answer your question.”
Laughing, Sora pulls himself out of the headlock and pushes Riku lightly. His smile is a lot closer to his signature bright ones and warmth floods Riku’s chest at the sight. “Alright, fine! I’m all ears. Teach me the ways of love, oh Master Riku.”
Now it’s Riku’s turn to roll his eyes fondly. “What am I gonna do with you?” he chuckles with a shake of his head. He lifts a hand to ruffle the other’s hair one more time, Sora swatting his hand playfully all the while, before leaning against the railing again. They fall into another companionable silence for a couple moments as Riku gathers his thoughts once more while gazing at the sky.
“It feels…” he starts, then pauses again as he reconsiders how to start. Then he tries again, picturing the mountain in the Land of Dragons where Riku had watched Sora fight from afar. “To me, love feels like standing at the highest peak of a mountain. It’s exhilarating and it’s a rush that almost makes me giddy sometimes, to be honest,” he laughs a little at himself and Sora joins in, having a hard time picturing his calm, cool, and collected best friend as giddy of all things.
“Standing at that peak, I feel so untouchable, like I can do anything,” he rambles wistfully, unable to stop himself at this point. “It gives me the strength I need to press on in the darkest of circumstances and to protect the people I care about most, no matter what.”
This is how he felt seeing his best friend whom he loved dearly running around at the peak of that mountain. Sora was alive and energetic and awake after he had spent over a year protecting his sleeping form, not knowing for sure if he’d ever wake up. Riku had felt like he could finally breathe again.
Then, he sighs before admitting, “But it’s also a risky place to be. One slip up, and you’re tumbling down the mountain in an avalanche. The fall is a long one and it can be painful. But that pain is more than worth it if that means the person you love is safe and happy.”
Knowing he couldn’t talk to him, couldn’t touch him, couldn’t even show his monstrous face to his best friend had gutted him inside out. It was entirely his fault he couldn’t face him, but watching him run and jump and fight his way through heartless and knowing he’d never be by his side again felt like getting stabbed directly through the heart. It was still worth all the pain, though, when he saw how brightly he still grinned. He had known his best friend had always been a light in his life, but that moment on the mountain was when he realized he was so much more than that. Sora was dazzling .
Riku’s words hang in the air for a few quiet moments before it catches up with him and he winces minutely. He doesn’t want to make his expression obvious to Sora, but god , he can’t believe he said all that. And so much for “keeping it vague.” He’s a mess .
He has no clue how Sora is taking all that either, but he doesn’t really want to look at him, afraid he’d look over and see him connecting the dots for once. But the continued silence is deafening and makes his skin prickle uncomfortably. He wonders if he, in a cruel ironic twist, made the slip up he was just talking about and he’s about to take said dive off the cliff.
It will be okay, though, as long as Sora is safe and happy.
Swallowing down his anxiety, he chances a glance at Sora and sees him still staring out into the sky, a thoughtful look on his face. He doesn’t look upset or disturbed, though. Just contemplative, his mouth twisting to one side and a wave of fondness rushes over Riku because he knows the other boy is chewing the inside of his cheek. It’s a habit he’s had since they were little.
The comfort of knowing that some things never change gives him the courage to break the silence. “Sora?”
The other boy jumps, his eyes darting back to Riku before he smiles sheepishly. “Ah, I was just lost in thought, sorry!”
When no more explanation is given, Riku’s stomach twists into knots about what that means. Should he ask or leave it at that?
He bites the bullet, “Yeah? And what you thinking?” He tries to disguise his anxiety with a lighthearted and neutral tone, but can’t tell how successful he is.
Sora is quiet for a few more moments, his mouth twisting again. He’s gotta stop chewing at his cheek so much. Riku finds it endlessly endearing, but it’s can’t be good for his poor cheek.
“I can relate to last part, about pain being worth it to see those you care about happy. I feel like that for all my friends,” he says, his voice tinged with a thoughtful melancholy that Riku wasn’t expecting and isn’t sure why it’s there. Though that is what Riku just said, he feels like it means something different for Sora. Or not different exactly, but there’s another underlying meaning that he doesn’t think he likes.
“And I draw strength from all my friends, too. At least, I did. Before I came here…” Sora trails off, but Riku understands what he means.
Being in Quadratum cuts you off from everywhere else and everyone else. He felt it when he entered the portal and ended up on the wet pavement of this world, that his connection to the others wasn’t there anymore. It was very alarming, until he felt the one connection that mattered most was reestablished and then he couldn’t help but cry with joy. Sora was here and when Sora was by his side, he could do anything. Together, they’d find their way back to their friends eventually. He never had any doubt and he still doesn’t.
He’s sure Sora’s first experience in Quadratum wasn’t the same, though. Sora had so many more friends and connections to lose and he didn’t have the comfort of anyone being on this side waiting for him. His heart breaks for his best friend to have had to suffer like that.
Sora continues, “But I’m guessing it’s different than that, right? Otherwise it wouldn’t be as special as everyone makes it out to be.”
“Friendships are plenty special, Sora. I know you know this,” Riku frowns, turning more toward the other boy.
Said boy just grunts in mild frustration, running a hand through his hair, “Yeah, I know. I just meant that it’s special in a way makes it separate from friendship or else there wouldn’t be that distinction at all, you know? So there’s still something I’m missing that makes it different.” Turning, he meets Riku’s eyes before smirking, “Maybe it’s that… what’d you call it? Giddiness ?”
“Man, shut up,” Riku blushes, shoving his shoulder lightly against Sora’s. He just laughs.
Sora throws his hands behind his head, his smile a bit more relaxed, “But, guess I still don’t understand it after all. But maybe you’re right. If I’m meant to figure it out, I will eventually. And if I don’t, at least I have you, right?”
Riku knows Sora means in a best friend way but the comment still makes his face red anyway. But that doesn’t stop him from saying with absolute seriousness, “Always.”
That was an oath Riku made in his heart when he took Sora’s hand to cross from the dark beach back into the Realm of Light. He would be by Sora’s side as long as he’d have him, no matter what. If they were separated, he’d find him again and again and again if that’s what it took. It feels freeing to finally voice that aloud in some capacity and though it’s a bit embarrassing, Riku can’t help but be anything but steadfast in that promise.
There’s a small intake of breath as Sora looks at him in surprise. Riku just meets his gaze again with a smile despite the pink still on his cheeks, his conviction unwavering. A wobbly smile lifts the corners of Sora’s lips as well and he shuffles closer, sliding his hand into Riku’s like he used to do when they were kids. His head thunks against Riku’s shoulder and it fills his heart with warmth.
He wishes he could rest his head on Sora’s but it’s a bit too far for his neck to reach and that makes him snort. Sora’s head snaps up to look at him with a pout, “What’s so funny?”
“Never did get that growth spurt, did you?” he snickers. Sora lets out an offended noise and turns to smack his head with his free hand but Riku, having expected this, ducks out of the way with a laugh. Sora still doesn’t let go of his hand.
“Not everyone can be a giant like you!”
He smirks, “But a lot of people sure can be taller than you.”
“I’m not old and decrepit like you so there’s still a chance for that growth spurt! You’ll eat your words!”
“Sure, sure,” he laughs. “You know what, I’ll give you a million munny if you end up taller than me.”
Sora’s eyes sparkle, “You sure you wanna make that bet?”
“Pretty certain, yeah.”
“I’m gonna be millionaire!” he whoops loudly, laughing.
Riku chuckles, “Sure, whatever you say…”
After a while, they end up sitting down on the patio, leaning up against the wall as they look back out at the sky. Sora rests his head against Riku’s shoulder again, their hands still entwined and neither are interested in letting go any time soon.
“Hey, Riku?”
“Yeah?”
“I just wanted to say thanks,” he murmurs. “For finding me and… for being so supportive. I didn’t get to say it before…” He doesn’t have to finish that sentence, Riku knows what he means. Before the Keyblade War. Before Sora faded. Before they were separated, again . “So I wanna make sure to say now that I’m really grateful for you.”
Riku turns his head to look down at him, “Sora…”
“You mean so much to me and having you by my side again means more than I could ever try to explain,” he continues, his voice choked up. “And I just wanted to say that… that I want to always be with you, too, whether I figure out what love is or not. I don’t want to be separated ever again.”
Leaning forward, Riku brings his free hand up to wipe away the tears that fall from the other boy’s watery eyes. “I’m so thankful to be here with you, too, Sora. I won’t let us be separated again. If it comes to it, I’ll come find you as many times as it takes. I swear it.”
“Then I swear the same thing,” Sora sniffs. “Don’t forget who went looking for the other first. And you had the audacity to hide from me!”
He chuckles, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. If you come looking for me, I won’t hide. Not ever again.”
“You better not!” replies Sora adamantly, poking him in the chest. “I don’t care if you don’t look like yourself either, alright? You’re still Riku, no matter what, and I don’t care what form you take as long as we’re together.”
He feels tears sting his own eyes but he just blinks them back with a smile, squeezing Sora’s hand gently. “Thank you,” he said quietly, his voice thick with emotion. It reminds him of when they were reunited in the World That Never Was, when Sora had first said he was still Riku no matter what and it still overwhelms him to hear it. They’ve gone through so much and changed in so many ways that they can never come back from, but deep down, they’re still Sora and Riku, two boys from Destiny Islands. It gives Riku so much comfort and needed reassurance.
“We’re gonna go home,” Riku whispers, low but firm. “Together.”
Sora squeezes his hand back, “Yeah.”
They rest out there for a while longer before heading back inside to go to sleep. The two still have a lot to unpack and even more to fight against if they want to get back home, but they know they can do it if they’re together.