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Kiara had the makeshift noose made of bedsheets in her hand. They were shaking. Her feet were firmly planted on the balcony, overlooking the porch. Down on the crisp white front porch, where her parents would see her feet dangling lifeless first thing tomorrow morning. A tear rolled down her cheek. She brought the noose up over her head. It felt tight though it wasn’t fitted to her neck yet. It felt hot like an iron. She was sweating now, too.
She took it off.
She had every reason to do it. Nine months in and she’d tried fucking everything. She wasn’t cut out for the Kook life. You couldn’t just go to public school all your life with good ole’ Pogues drinking beers to forget how hard they have to fight and claw to get by and then just mosey into the Kook academy one day and act like you belong there.
Her parents didn’t get it. She knew they’d worked damn hard to pull together the money for tuition and would have to keep busting ass to keep her in the academy throughout high school. Afterall, the prep school was expensive enough that not even all the Kooks went there. But their hard work could only pay a bill, it couldn’t change who she was.
She’d grown up on the other side, not her house but her people back in The Cut. Salt of the Earth people who fished and fought and cursed like sailors. Who knew how to fix their own shit and worked until their bodies broke down. People who had nothing but the smiles on their faces and an elusive skill that may or may not be enough to help them survive, like Pope with his genius. Or John B with his charisma. Or JJ with his encyclopedic knowledge of boats and sticky fingers and spectacularly lying mouth. People like JJ who had tons of skills, and yet still had nothing at all, and were liable to die that way.
She’d tried to fit in and make friends. Be whatever their version of normal was. Go to events at the Club, wear more girly, trendy clothes, put her hair up in high ponytails or neat buns and wear heavy makeup that made her break out. She’d really made a go of it, no matter how much her parents didn’t believe her. She’d been laughed at in the hallways, gotten into yelling matches with classmates about world problems, and been sent to detention countless times for talking back to teachers hell-bent on preaching the glories of self-indulgent, decadent, exclusionary wealth-hoarding capitalism. If it was three strikes you’re out, Kiara had twelve.
And then the final nail in the coffin. Sarah Cameron. Just when she’d been about to give up and run away the first time, Sarah had snapped back at some loser Chad in class who’d been mocking her Save the Turtles Rant-Slash-Biology-Project. Kiara had thanked her afterwards, and Sarah had been so quick to delve into a conversation about conservation and human rights and all things Kiara loved deeply. It was like a miracle from God, out of nowhere. Next thing she knew Sarah was inviting her to lunch table, texting her, having her sleepover every weekend. They told each other everything. It was her first female best friend ever. And she was popular, and rich to boot. Suddenly Kiara fit in. Boys were flirting with her, she was going to parties, et cetera, et cetera… until she turned on her. Out of fucking nowhere. Dagger in the fucking back, excluding her like everyone else had. She should have known better. Sarah had probably just been making fun of her and talking shit the whole time, waiting for the right moment to embarrass her.
Now the whole school thought she was a snitch, Sarah and everyone hated her again, and she was failing three classes. She went from casually thinking about offing herself from time to time to imagining it every day to setting the date. Now. There was no point. Kiara Carrera didn’t fit in anywhere. She’d been separated from the Pogues by her parents’ machinations, barely seen them even since Big John went fucking missing, and now they wanted nothing to do with her. For all they knew, she’d gone full Kook. She’d lost everything. Everything.
So there was only one thing left to do. If only she could work up the balls.
Kiara wiped away a tear and dropped the noose on the railing. A walk. She’d take a walk and think about things. If she still wanted to do it after her walkabout, that was it. No more deliberating or pussying out. She would do it. That’s it.
She slipped out the back door silently and started down the road along the marsh. She stood on the dock until the incessant sound of grasshoppers and horny bullfrogs sent her back onto the main road, traipsing between sparse soft golden halos cast by streetlights.
She thought about death. She thought about the boy she desperately missed, how it felt unfair to call on them now. She thought about the world she wished to see but seldom had hope in anymore.
The sound of a dirt bike barreling down the road tore her from her thoughts. She looked down the street to see if she could make out who the hell was on one dicking around Figure Eight this time of night. The bike came into view and started to slow at the sight of her under the streetlight. She had a thought that maybe she should hide but couldn’t be bothered to care.
“JJ?”
“Kie?” the dirt bike abruptly stopped.
“Jayj, what are you- oh Jesus. What did you steal?”
“You don’t need to worry about that. Anyhow, what are you doing out here at this late hour?”
Kiara shrugged. “Taking a walk.”
“Not very safe. Out here by yourself.”
“For you either.”
“I’ve got a bike. And a mean left hook. What about you?”
“I’m a biter. You know that.”
JJ grinned. “That’s true, I suppose. Need a ride back home?”
Kiara shivered and looked back in that direction. She hadn’t made a choice yet. She shook her head. JJ’s criminal smirk faltered.
“Hop on.”
“I don’t-“
“We’ll go somewhere else then. Come on. I missed you, Kie. Feels like it’s been ages, and now we’ve just run into each other? That’s some divine providence, bro.”
“’Divine Providence’ isn’t the sort of phrase that usually gets followed up by ‘bro’.”
“Then get on so I can stop using big words to convince you.”
“Fine,” she relented, swinging her leg over and tentatively wrapping her arms around his middle. “I missed you too, dude.”
JJ was silent, checked she was safely onboard and took off. A couple minutes later he pulled off the side of the road and gestured her to follow him. He led her to a bench swing, far out on some forgotten lawn towards the road and sat down. She followed suit. JJ kicked off, pushing the swing timidly for a few moments.
“So what’s the matter, Kie?”
“Nothing’s-“
“I’m a master of bullshit, Kiara. Pretty hard to sell me on a lie.”
She was quiet for a long moment.
“Look like you been crying, too. Somebody I need to stomp?”
That brought a weak smile to her face. “No. I’m sorry I haven’t called or come see you guys lately. My parents have been on me all year, trying to keep me busy and set me up with Kook bullshit. How’s John B?”
“More reckless than usual. Going along with too many of my dumb schemes. As good as you can be when your only parent is missing.”
“I should check in on him. I’m sorry. I just miss you guys like crazy.”
“Yeah, we miss you too, Kie. All the time.”
“You do?” She heard her voice crack and resented that it gave her away. JJ turned sideways in the seat to face her.
“Of course we do, Kie. You been our best friend since elementary school, dude. It’s not the same without you.”
Kiara bent over and sobbed. There was nothing else to it, and she didn’t have a shred of restraint left to hold onto. They weren’t mad at her. At least someone still loved her. JJ reached his arm around her and rubbed lines up and down her back soothingly.
“What’s going on, Kie? I’m worried about you. Talk to me.”
She pulled herself together for a moment and stared out into the starry abyss.
“Do you ever like, do you think, what’s the point? You know? Like why am I even here if all I do is ruin everything and I’m never gonna be happy or okay or…like, wouldn’t everyone just be better off if I-“
“-wasn’t here anymore?” he finished. Kiara choked down another sob as she watched him. He wasn’t looking at her anymore, was staring out into the darkness too. He took his hat off, mussed with his hair, then put it back on again. His eyes were wet. He didn’t look like himself. He chewed the inside of his cheek.
“Yeah. Yeah, I thought that.”
“You have?”
He stared at the ground and seemed to debate answering.
“Yeah. There was this one time, my dad just got finished beating my ass and I was in my room. He was yelling and carrying on about how ‘your Mama had the right idea!’ and ‘get outta my fuckin’ house, all you do is fuck things up!’ yada yada yada. And I thought to myself, you know what? You’re right, asshole. Pretty sure everyone hates me. I’m always in trouble. I’m just another good for nothing from the Cut who’s gonna end up in jail, hooked on drugs with a kid of my own I resent for existing because what woman would ever wanna stick around someone like me, hell, what woman could?”
Kiara felt her throat clench. No, that wasn’t right. Not JJ. Not sweet, loyal, kind JJ. Not this boy who was so smart and so good who’d do literally anything for his friends. Who gave his shitbag father chance after chance and still tried to defend him when he could. How could he even believe those things about himself?
“So I was sitting there with the razor in my hand on the edge of the bed, and I thought, ‘say I do it? Say I fix that problem for him? Save the world another scumbag Maybank?’” JJ continued.
“What stopped you?” She asked, because that was the only thing she wanted to hear.
He finally turned to look at her again. “I wanted to do it. But then I started thinking about you guys at my funeral. I don’t know if the old man would even show up, but you-“ he turned his head away as a tear rolled down his cheek. “The Pogues would be there, no doubt, and the thought of you crying over me, Kiara…” he stopped to wipe the tears away and collect himself. “I couldn’t do that. Not on purpose, at least.”
She fell into sobs again then, and he pulled her into a tight hug as he cried too.
“You know, I mean you know how much we love you, right, Kie? You know if anything ever happened to you…I couldn’t…I wouldn’t be able to…” He shook his head and buried it in her shoulder and she squeezed him tighter. When they’d both calmed down a little, he pulled away gently.
“I just mean…we need you, Kie. So don’t go anywhere on me.”
“I won’t,” she promised, and for the first time in months she meant it. “So don’t go anywhere on me either. We need you too.”
“I know,” he joked. “You losers wouldn’t have anything without me. And it’d be a lot less fun.”
“Unfortunate but true,” she joked back, wiping the snot away from her nose. He reached over and wiped the tear streaks from her cheeks before pressing a kiss on her forehead that made her breath hitch.
“Now are you gonna tell me what’s got you worked up like this, or what?”
She did. She told him everything, about the loneliness, Sarah Cameron’s betrayal, and what she’d almost done that night.
“What a bitch,” JJ hissed.
“Total cunt,” Kiara affirmed, half-sniffling, half-laughing.
“She’s an idiot, and your parents too, if they don’t see how amazing you are, Kie. You’ve got so much going for you, dude. You’ve got parents who love you, even if they’re jackasses about it, a house on Figure Eight, you’re smart, you still gotta save the sea turtles and all that too.”
“You have a nice face,” she cut in.
“Huh?”
“You’re wrong about yourself. And you have a real nice face so your future wife will totally stick around.”
He laughed, his face returning to that golden boy she adored and knew so well, that smile that lit up the night sky.
“Because I’m so handsome?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, you too. If all else fails, you could at least be somebody’s trophy wife.”
She laughed. “I’d be the worst trophy wife ever. I’ve got way too much attitude. And shit to do. And these rich boys hate me.”
“You could be my trophy wife, then,” He replied.
“But that implies you’re gonna be rich, Jayj. How do you figure that?”
“Hey, I might be in the pen, but crime pays, girl! If I become a drug dealer you would have so much money for the sea turtles. And homelessness. And blowing up plastic companies or whatever.”
“Don’t become a drug dealer. Actually, when we’re eighteen, just like, sell a few drugs and we can go full Survivor on a beach in the jungle somewhere. How ‘bout that?”
“Deal, Carrera. Just a few drugs.”
“Just a couple.”
They stayed at the swing for another hour or so, just talking and laughing like the good ole days before JJ drove her home.
“Talk to your parents, Kie.” He said as he got off. “I bet if they knew how bad things were for you right now, they’d let you transfer back.” She nodded. “And please…if you ever need to talk, just call me. Any time. I’ll come.”
“Thanks, JJ,” she whispered, pulling him into one last furtive embrace.
“Of course. You get rid of that thing, first off.” He nodded to the makeshift noose hanging off her balcony.
“I will. And I’ll come see you guys this weekend. Even if my parents forbid me.”
“Just let me know if you need a ride.”
“Will do.”
She undid every knot until the noose was once again a pile of bed sheets and tossed it in her closet. As she crawled into bed, her eyes fell onto a picture of her and JJ last summer. He had his arm slung around her and was beaming brighter than the sun above their heads. She placed it on her bedside table and pulled a pillow into her chest, trying to recapture the feeling of utter warmth and safety she’d felt in his arms.
I love you, she thought, or rather realized it all at once. That had changed. She had always had love for him, loved him as a friend, but something was different after everything they’d shared that night. After everything he’d told her and the way he’d held her when she was at her lowest. He was the strongest, kindest boy she’d ever met. And he cared about her. Needed her. She was so lucky to be one of the only people on Earth who really knew who he was, which was such a shame. People deserved to know him. He deserved to be loved.
I’m in love with you, she thought again. I think I love you like crazy, JJ Maybank. I’m gonna show you, I promise.
She rolled over and sent off a quick message.
You saved my life tonight, Jayj. Thank you. I won’t forget it.
A minute went by, then she got a reply.
Love you, bro. Get some sleep.
Love you too. She sent back, and JJ Maybank cried while smiling a few short miles away.