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Nina Zenik was a lot of things, and those things were always changing and being added to and morphing into something else. Truthfully, she herself didn’t know what she was, or meant for, or supposed to do.
She stood in her bedroom, the one she shared with Inej Ghafa, and stared at herself in the mirror. Her heatless curls were impeccable, and her eyeliner was done sharply while she held her breath.
The blouse she wore was dark red, tied in the front with a slightly darker ribbon, everything trimmed in lace. Sleeveless and showy, she did a small turn to watch the pleats of her long skirt part at the slit on her left side.
Of course, she was doused in glitter, it was mixed in with her favourite body spray. Inej appeared from their en suite bathroom, struggling with the clasp of a velvet choker. She wandered over to Nina, eyes flickering over her low cut top before she presented her neck to her.
“Nina.” Inej whispered, she didn’t have to say much to tell her roommate what she wanted to say. Yes, Nina should not be wearing such a chest-forward top to meet her friend’s romantic partner, and yes, she should not wear it to test their loyalty.
She was still going to do it. For Matthias’ benefit, she had to make sure a little sparkly boob wasn’t all it took.
“Seduction and temptation is not the same thing.” Nina reminded Inej as she put her choker on properly and draped her long dark hair over her back again.
“I don’t think you should do either.” Inej softly spun around to look at Nina, both of them a couple inches from each other.
Nina knew she shouldn’t. She shouldn’t do a lot of things. Inej’s eyes darted to the rose quartz pendant hanging from her neck and Nina smiled innocently.
“I’m just trying to protect Matthias.” Nina brushed a single hair from Inej’s cheek, wet with cream blush, and Inej sighed. She was so used to this.
Matthias had spent the past few months being courted by and going steady with somebody from one of his thousand philosophy classes. Nina had heard lots of good stuff about this apparent boyfriend.
Was it weird to meet the now partner of somebody she previously was trying to get with? A little. But Nina never let things like this get her down.
What was a little rejection? It’s not like Matthias didn’t find her attractive. He’d been repressed his whole life and now as a free thinker, he’d decided she was not what he wanted.
Nina couldn’t be mad. She was a little sad, more for Matthias hiding bits of himself away to fit into a mold he didn’t belong in. She would live. Probably. She had a flair for the dramatic, she knew this.
“Don’t interrogate them, I just don’t want to ambush him and ruin his night.” Matthias had said this before and he’d say it again. He was protective when it mattered and Nina wondered what it might be like to have somebody care about her like this.
She was almost Matthias’ boyfriend. She could have been protected via disclaimer before surprise dinner at her job. Instead, she was being told to not bother Matthias’ partner.
She’d bother him. She was a natural botherer. It had gotten her this far. A natural love for gossip and getting answers out of hiding had made her an asset.
“We’ll be really polite.” Wylan, who was sitting across from Nina at the round table they’d reserved at the semi-fancy-kinda-overpriced restuarant, patted Jesper’s hand softly.
Matthias had a look on his face that wanted to say he knew Wylan would be polite, and by extension Jesper would behave. His face said that the warning was just for Nina, and maybe Kaz.
Nina envied Kaz for knowing more than her. He refused to tell secrets. She knew that he knew who Matthias’ partner was and where they lived and how to best threaten them if Matthias was hurt.
She wanted to hurt them too, but Kaz wouldn’t invite her. He’d likely take Jesper. Nina just wanted to be involved. Jesper was just as likely to mess up as she was. She sighed.
“We’re just here to eat.” Inej said from beside Nina, lightly bumping elbows with her roommate. The food would be good, but finding out Matthias’ boyfriend’s relationship with his father would be better.
“I know he wears glasses, why is everybody wearing glasses?” Jesper peered around, fingers neatly intertwined with Wylan’s on the table. Matthias had done a good job at keeping his private life, private. It drove Nina crazy.
A little vulnerability never hurt. Her housemates could point the people she slept with regularly in a crowd, Nina didn’t know what Matthias’ singular boyfriend looked like. It was unfair. She wanted in.
“I don’t need to interrogate. I know everything there is to know.” Kaz shifted in his spot beside Wylan, he was showing off by having the worst seat for snooping. Nina fought for the best seat, she had eyes on the entire restaurant.
“Just don’t bring up anything weird.” Matthias hurriedly whispered, it was important to him that dropping by his partner’s workplace for dinner was not going to end things. “If you have to question if it’s okay to say, just don’t say it to be safe.”
“Got it. Censor ourselves. Hide our true colours.” Nina teased, her foot kicking to the side so she could jostle Matthias’ ankle. His knee was bouncing under the table, she’d never known him as a particularly nervous person, a little awkward maybe.
“He’s wearing glasses is this–” Inej stopped as soon as she started, not a loud speaker by any means but a careful one.
“Hi, welcome in, I’m Iseul, I’ll be your server tonight.” The tall, dark haired man walked over, their deep brown eyes cast down at the tablet he’d take their order on. “Is there–What are you doing here, cowboy?”
Nina stared and she stared hard, sharp green eyes burning holes into Iseul’s tan skin touching Matthias’ pale neck. Matthias’ partner, apparently named Iseul, as indicated by himself and his nametag, was nothing like she’d imagined.
She heard he was a kickboxing poet met in philosophy and imagined, shamefully, a stereotypical dork of a boy that maybe was kind of buff. Iseul was of course gorgeous, and their silver framed glasses sat neatly on their freckled nose bridge.
He was wearing his work uniform, all black, but Nina could see the remnants of dark ink peeking out from under their sleeves. She felt thrilled and caught off guard and ready to cause trouble.
“My friends really wanted to meet you,” Matthias said softly, Nina could see the pink tinge in his cheeks now that everybody was looking at Iseul tenderly holding the back of his neck. “This is who I’ve been telling you about, I told you he was real.”
Nina wondered why Matthias was cowboy. Why wasn’t he babe or sweetheart or angel face? Was this a testament to his skill on a man’s lap? Did being touch starved give him an ability to stay on longer and harder? Nina had many questions.
“I really wanted to meet you too,” Iseul did damage control with ease, it made Nina insanely jealous he was an all around smoothtalker. “I am real, and Matthias is not paying me. Let me guess, Nina, Inej, Jesper, Wylan, and that’d make you Kaz.”
He was of course irritatingly right. Matthias hid a smile poorly, he was eating this entire thing up. He was unable to contain the satisfaction that his partner was real and handsome and impressive.
That was the word for Iseul, impressive. Nina did not know if Matthias could do better than her and the second he was given the opportunity, he did. Huh.
“Really nice to meet you,” Nina beamed at him, twirling a piece of hair around her finger. He looked right at her, at her eyes, at her makeup, but no lower and she noted he was incredibly better than her. “What does Matty say about me? Only bad things I hope?”
“Oh, everything, so much.” Iseul peeked down at Matthias through his thick lashes and Matthias was looking up at him. Nina’s stomach twisted with something when her friend breathlessly laughed, giddy at eye contact, and turned away shyly. “I don’t blame you, I also have a crush on Matthias.”
Wylan and Jesper exchanged a hurried little glance. They didn’t realize being told everything meant everything. Nina knew these two extremely well. If they met anybody who had a crush on their partner, there would be words, and hands around throats, and throttling.
Impressive. Iseul did not seem concerned that Nina had been pursuing Matthias. Why would he? Iseul was the one that got him in the end. Nina leaned back in her chair with a loud creak.
“I’m scared to know what he says about me then.” Wylan decided to be brave and say something, since Kaz was just reading the menu, Inej was having a silent conversation with Jesper, both of them daring each other to speak first. “He seems really happy.”
“Does he?” Iseul softened at the thought, he looked like he might hug Matthias’ head to his chest if they were not at work right now. “He talks about being your roommate all the time.”
“Really?” Wylan flushed, he’d spent most of their dorm roommate experience thinking Matthias didn’t like him. They all knew they were just on the quieter, more awkward side of things.
“Iseul,” This sudden interruption even got Kaz to put down the menu and pay attention. Behind Iseul’s towering frame was a much shorter, softer woman who pointed over her shoulder. “That old creepy guy is back. Can we switch tables?”
“Of course, I’ll see you all later.” Iseul didn’t think about it, and Nina wondered how many times this had happened before. She was trying to poke holes in his good guy persona. She didn’t know why.
Did she want Matthias to be miserable? Did she just want some company? Somebody to sympathize with her? She’d never know, because Iseul was a good guy.
“I’m Penelope, sorry about that,” She took Iseul’s spot, tucking a long auburn braid over her shoulder. “I need this job and if I gotta serve that perv one more time…I love your nails.” Penelope sighed and then pointed her own set at Nina’s.
Nina was temporarily fished out of her ocean of despair. She looked up to see the prettiest girl she’d ever seen, and she smiled warmly. Yes, Nina was scared of dying alone, but Penelope liked her nails.
Somehow between saying goodbye to Iseul and ordering drinks, Nina had secured Penelope’s number. Sometimes she worked on autopilot. Her brain was scattered between everybody she cared about leaving her and Penelope’s honey sweet laughter.
Maybe Nina should think about therapy more seriously. Maybe crying to Aphrodite in the middle of the night staring at her candle flickering in support was not enough.
“I’ll be right back.” Matthias said in the middle of appetizers, the table was covered in fancy dips and fancy chips and breads and fried things.
“Okay, we’ll eat slow.” Inej would hate for Matthias to come back and they were all eating their meals without him. Nina popped a sweet potato fry into her mouth and hummed in thought.
Matthias slipped out of his chair, and disappeared around the corner, the restaurant was so awfully dark, for the ambiance. Nina turned her attention back to her remaining friends.
“What do we think of Iseul?” Nina was dying to talk about it, and she did not want to say what she had to say in front of his boyfriend.
“He’s really nice,” Wylan said, eating the fanciest mozzarella stick Nina had ever seen. It was all a bit pretentious but good food had never been on Nina’s shit list, she’d eat it and sleep easy with a full stomach. “He’s way taller than I thought, taller than Matthias.”
“I have access to his medical records.” Kaz casually dropped and Jesper threw a suspicious glance over at him. He did not want to know about Iseul’s medical history, and he also did not want to know what Kaz knew about himself. “He’s a universal donor, so.”
“Are you suggesting Matty is going to need it?” Jesper’s arm was wrapped around the back of Wylan’s chair, the chair itself so close it might as well be a bench for the two of them.
“Our ideas of romance are different and that’s fine.” Kaz had stopped trying to find common ground with his friends, if he wanted somebody to share blood with he’d do it quietly.
“He’s super handsome,” Inej piped up. She did not usually comment on things like this, but it was hard not to. The elephant in the room was that Matthias's partner was ridiculously handsome, and that had them all thinking something had to be wrong with him. “His hair is just perfect.”
“Iseul. What’s that, Korean?” Nina knew it was Korean because she knew Hangul, and she wondered if Iseul did too. She needed more information. Was he a bilingual philosopher poet? Language learning was a hobby of hers, maybe she beat him there.
“I think so. What’s the cowboy thing about?” Wylan was also curious about it, and Nina poked him under the table with her high heel. This was the question of the night. It would be easier if their pet names were elf themed, with the amount of time they spent curled up watching the same three movies.
“Maybe he hates pet names, and he wants to be different.” Jesper shrugged, he wanted to help and be involved. He did not hate pet names, and Nina kinda hated him for it. Every day she had to sit through her best friend being called baby one hundred times over.
“I need to use the little girl’s room.” Nina batted her eyes and left her chair, only stopping when Inej’s hand touched her bare shoulder.
“Nina.” Inej whispered, a warning. Nina, don’t fuck things up. Nina, don't do what you always do. Nina, not everything has to be a joke. Nina, why haven’t you settled down for once in your life? But Inej was too polite to say any of it. Nina could only hear her own voice in her own head.
“I’m just going pee, I swear.” Nina grabbed the little glass goblet of water and chugged it. She blew Inej a kiss and scurried away from the table.
She, of course, lied. She was off to find Matthias and hopefully Iseul. Maybe, if she was lucky, she’d get to see some action. Maybe Iseul’s vice was that he was a sex addict. No, she was not projecting.
Nina glanced at every reflective surface she passed, her hair still looked good and her chest looked even better. She tucked and untucked her hair as she walked past a picture frame, she had no plan.
She peeked around corners looking for the staff break room or for an ajar door where they’d go out to smoke. Nina did not find any of that, so she disappointedly trudged to the restroom.
She carded her fingers through a loose curl again and again, until she heard hushed voices and she came to a full stop. Slowly, she took a step forward so she could see who was speaking.
Matthias, standing, and Iseul, sitting. She perked up, her heart leapt to life in her chest. All hope had not yet been lost. Because she had so much gall and confidence, she got closer by cutting through the hallway to get to the open doorway of the room meant for changing babies and powdering noses.
Now she had ears and eyes on both of them, she pressed against the wall and eavesdropped. She’d apologize to somebody later, if she felt bad enough to.
“You did good, we surprised you.” Matthias said under his breath. His fingers touched the shell of Iseul’s ear and brushed back into his hair, the colour of crow feathers. “You didn’t say anything wrong.”
“I really, really don’t want to mess things up with your friends,” Iseul spoke much quicker than he did at the table, this was shaky and breathy. Panic. This was Iseul anxious and Matthias comforting. “Your family, this is your family, Matthias.”
Nina found herself swallowing the lump in her throat, his full name being lodged into the sentence struck her as genuine and purposeful. He could have called him cowboy or Matty, but he chose to call him by his name.
“I promise you didn’t mess up, I wish I could have warned you.” Matthias had absolutely no say in tonight, he was overpowered by five eager friends, his family. “I didn’t want to…embarrass you…out you?”
“Don’t carry my shame too, oh, come here.” Iseul sighed loudly, leaning back until he hit the wall with an audible thump. Matthias bent over until Iseul could get a shaky hand caressing his cheek. “Why do you feel bad that I can’t speak to a group without crying?”
“Because I like you.” Matthias got his hands on Iseul’s shoulders and squeezed softly, Iseul grinned at the ease in his voice. Nina knocked her forehead against the wall, trying to figure out if Iseul really did cry after facing them or if it was hyperbolic.
“I’m okay, I’m just better one on one.” Iseul looked into Matthias’ eyes and it hit Nina all at once that their breathing was synching up. Matthias left the dinner table to help Iseul not crumble into an anxious meltdown. Nina left the dinner table to see if they’d kiss messily in the bathroom.
Shame was hot in her chest and stomach. But it was not enough to make her stop peeping. Nothing was ever enough for her. Damn, she really had to look back into therapy.
“You didn’t say it back.” Matthias suddenly muttered, Nina swore his ears were pink and he shifted his weight from foot to foot. It was strange to see somebody so cagey and big turn into a pink, swaying flower like this.
“That I like you?” Iseul laughed in shock. So he was surprised by it too. Nina felt like eating drywall. His thumb brushed over Matthias’ mouth, or at least she thought it did, she only had eyes on his back. “I like you plenty, cowboy, and I’m sorry for saying cowboy at the dinner table. It slipped out.”
Matthias made a small sound, a choked little laugh, and Nina put the pieces together alarmingly fast. Cowboy was not a nod to Matthias riding harder and staying on longer. Cowboy was not a nod to their nonexistent love of western films. Cowboy was simply a nickname that made Matthias laugh.
Iseul said it because it made Matthias happy.
Nina wanted to slide down the wall and scream into her hands. When was the last time somebody cared about her this much? At all? When was the last time somebody would pick her over everybody else?
“Everybody’s gonna make fun of me.” Matthias grumbled, he seemed to do a lot of that, complaining at an Iseul who just smiled fondly. “You couldn’t have pretended I was babe or God forbid, Matt?”
“You don’t like Matt.” Iseul led Matthias down and Matthias went. Nina finally got her kiss and it made her burn. She’d kissed Matthias and she’d seen Wylan kiss Matthias, and this was nothing like that. This kiss meant something. It ate her alive. “Was that a good enough apology?”
“No, try again.” Matthias said without missing a beat and Nina turned around so her back was pressed to the wall. She did not want to watch anymore. There was a certain degree of adoration between them that drove her mad. There was something so real about them that made her want to throw up.
Lady Aphrodite had heard all about Nina’s fear of human connection and intimacy, Lady Aphrodite tried to steer her devoted Nina in the right direction.
The right direction was not eavesdropping on the boy she used to like begging for kisses from his new boyfriend.
“Thank you, but I do have to get back to work.” Iseul said eventually, maybe this was his break, fifteen minutes of looking at Matthias’ flushed face.
“I’ll be here.” Matthias sounded closer now, he was probably on his way down the hallway and Nina had to hide in the family room until the coast was clear.
To convince herself and her friends she hadn’t just been violating Matthias’ privacy, she went to the bathroom. Her alibi was the mirror selfies posted to her story, at least the lighting in front of the sinks were warm and flattering.
She might have to take this secret to the grave, there was no way she could own up to doing this to Matthias. Was she jealous? Or was she just lonely? Was there a difference in her head?
Would Matthias have been as happy with her? Would she be as happy with Matthias? She thinks she’s destined to sleep around until the end of time.
Nina blinked tears off of her eyelashes, tilting her head down so tear stains didn’t ruin her flawlessly done makeup. Everybody had somebody just for them. Maybe she was possessive. Maybe her fear of commitment was the fear nobody would love her as much as she loved them.
“Did I miss anything juicy?” Nina hopped back into her chair after being gone for a good five extra minutes, a grand total of seven minutes without Nina Zenik.
“They’re just bothering me.” Matthias took a pointed bite of a breadstick and Jesper laughed from his spot nuzzled into Wylan’s neck.
“We’re just asking what the first kiss was like.” Jesper whispered, like it was a secret. It became clear to Nina that he was hiding behind Wylan, in case Matthias got so irritated he might start throwing food at him.
“Was it good right away?” Kaz was curious, and it was always a bad sign when he was interested. Nina narrowed her eyes at him and Inej’s hand softly touched her thigh. She refused to lower her gaze, it would make her cry.
Instead Nina put her hand on top of Inej’s and squeezed. She could not hide from her. She knew Nina was not using the restroom casually, without any gut wrenching sadness. She knew something had happened between leaving for the restroom and coming back to the table.
“Was it a little kiss? Was it raining? Did it happen when he dropped you off?” Wylan rested his chin in his hands, elbows propped up on the table. Jesper laughed easily, lips trailing over his boyfriend’s soft neck. Nina rolled her eyes, did they have to be so in love when she was having a crisis over it?
“You’re not going to leave me alone, are you?” Matthias grumbled, he’d become more of a grumbler now that his friends had something against him. He was awfully protective of his personal life, which was not encouraged in the household. “I leaned in for a kiss because I thought he was leaning in too, he was just grabbing something.”
“No fucking way.” Nina couldn’t help the surprised bark of laughter, it startled a few other restaurant goers, who jolted at the suddenness.
“That’s so cute.” Wylan reassured Matthias, the best first kisses were innocent and clumsy. Nina did not agree but Wylan had that whole date your best friend ideal going on. “So, he kissed you after grabbing it?”
“Kind of.” Matthias knew he was getting pink and he thanked the restaurant lighting for being so low and mysterious. “I pretended I didn’t just try to kiss him, and he made fun of me.”
“Ooh, so he’s a tease.” Jesper nodded with a small frown, like he was impressed, or he was taking notes. They all learned something about Matthias today. Nina already knew this, from being an awful spy.
“Don’t say it like that. Like he was…teasing me.” Matthias cleared his throat, obviously his mind went elsewhere and it made Wylan and Jesper giggle like they were middle school girls learning about “adult” relationships for the first time.
Nina wished she could be so easily amused. Life would be so much easier if she didn’t need to see things to believe them. She could be their purely observational third.
“I’m just hearing you have fun together.” Inej steered the conversation in the right direction, in Matthias’ favour, and the relief on his face was angelic. “He makes you happy.”
“He does. And he’s really fun.” Matthias looked down at the last breadstick just in time for Penelope to come around to pick up their empty dishes. Jesper and Inej stacked up plates and cutlery for Penelope, who bowed gratefully as she scooped them up.
“I’ve gotta know how big it is.” Nina said suddenly, after flashing a small smile and a wave at Penelope who tucked a braid behind her ear as she left the table.
“Hm.” Kaz considered this, because he knew his blood type and his birthplace and where he spent his childhood, but not if he was packing. “Matthias?”
“Absolutely not.” Matthias scoffed, he could not believe his friends. Nina thought this was the best topic of conversation thus far. Yes, he was handsome, sure, he reads poetry, yeah, he makes Matthias laugh. But is he hung?
“Iseul at…what would that be? seven o’clock?” Jesper could have tried any other directional measurement and chose the one he didn’t know.
“Ten o’clock.” Kaz mumbled tiredly, he knew all the directions in the world and he wished Jesper would leave it to the experts.
“How’s the food tasting?” Iseul brushed up beside Matthias, hand smoothing over his arm before glancing over the table quickly. “We haven’t had a rat problem for months. Refills?”
“Stop.” Matthias softly batted at him, but Nina didn’t miss the way his fingers curled in his sleeve and held on for a few seconds. Somehow, this was the most sensual thing she’d ever seen. And she’d seen a lot.
“I do have access to the rat records.” Kaz said, and did not elaborate. Nina hoped this meant he wouldn’t let them eat anywhere that rats might be hanging out. She had nothing against rats or the hit Pixar film Ratatouille, but she didn’t really want to end the night with him in her mouth.
“Yes please.” Inej handed her cup over and Iseul took it with a small smile, offering to fill up Wylan’s too. Wylan nodded a little, he knew Iseul asked first but he didn’t like making people go out of their way for him.
“Food’s good, great actually.” Jesper had loosened up now that he had food in his belly and Wylan holding his hand on his thigh. “Do you get free food?”
“Oh, all the time.” Iseul waited for anybody else to ask for more to drink, and then stood up straight slowly so Matthias had time to loosen his grip on him. “He only likes me for the sweet potato fries.”
“Valid.” Nina would like anybody if they fed her, Wylan was the same, it was why they were best friends and got along so well.
“Go away.” Matthias smoothed out the crumpled fabric his grip had made and Iseul smiled like he’d just been told his boyfriend loved him.
Iseul left and Nina thought about Penelope. Free food, huh. For a second she felt smart about it, and then for the rest of the night she felt terrible about it.
She didn’t know how to turn it off. To stop thinking about what was in it for her. She just didn’t want to get hurt and go home empty handed. She wanted something to show for her time and effort and love.
Penelope brought their food out before Iseul could bring back Inej and Wylan’s cups. Warm, steaming plates and bowls of their meals were served to them with a bright smile. Nina felt her heart leap and didn’t know what it meant.
How did she manage to turn the night she met Matthias’ partner into the saddest she’d ever been? She offered Penelope a small appraising look and she tilted her head, a quick giggle escaping her pretty mouth. God. She was sweet. Nina didn’t know what she was doing.
“Enjoy your food, let me know if you need anything.” Penelope wandered away just as Iseul came back, holding the cups out of the way so his coworker didn’t run right into them.
“Okay, I’m about to have a party of ten.” Iseul handed back Inej's and Wylan’s drinks, both of them beaming at him. He just seemed so thoughtful and capable and understanding. Nina didn’t think social anxiety made him not these things, but it opened her eyes a little bit.
How was he so good despite it all? Maybe it was because of it all? Did she want him to be a bad person? Did she want Matthias to find healing with her instead? Maybe she wanted to save somebody. Maybe she wanted somebody to save her.
“Good luck, I can barely handle five of them.” Kaz mumbled under his breath, and Jesper scoffed while Wylan rolled his eyes.
“We go out of our way to leave you alone.” Wylan countered and Jesper giggled, he liked when his boyfriend had a fire lit under him. Nina grinned too, she thought Wylan being mean was another wonder of the world.
“Will we be seeing you before we go?” Inej didn’t seem ready to say goodbye to Iseul, in case this was a one time deal. Maybe she thought she wasn’t likable. Which was impossible. To Nina, Inej was perfect.
“Oh yeah, I’ll be back,” Iseul settled his hand on the back of Matthias’ neck again and he pretended it didn’t send shivers shooting down his spine. “I can’t stay away for long, I'm an anxious attachment poster child.”
“Hm.” Matthias leaned back into Iseul’s touch and paused, she guessed he was very aware of all his friends looking right at them. Bravely, Matthias turned completely around and tilted himself up to kiss his cheek. He whispered something, Nina wished she had better hearing, or that the music was quieter.
“I’ve got goosebumps.” Jesper rubbed up and down his arms when Iseul returned to work and Matthias turned back to his friends, a soft pink. “Who knew you were such a romantic?”
“How do you not get embarrassed?” Matthias ignored Jesper so he could talk to Wylan. Wylan turned more pink than Matthias did, and he shrugged his shoulders.
“Oh, I just, well I just love him.” Wylan burst into a surprised giggle when Jesper all but pulled him into his lap with the big hug he’d been given. “I don’t care who sees or knows, I want to love him all the time, no matter where we are.”
“That’s really sweet.” Inej whispered, she was the poster child for secrets and well hidden love. If Inej had not asked Nina for advice about an outfit to wear to the ballet, she would have had absolutely no idea.
Did Nina need to pay more attention? Did she have to get out of her head? Was living in a house with people all healthily in love ruining her life? This was clearly her problem. Why couldn’t she handle it?
When did she get so scared of dying alone?
“You’re getting very close to indecent exposure.” Kaz dug into his pasta now that everybody was done with the formalities. He was not as good as hiding his feelings, he just always sounded mad about them, Nina knew it was just him being frightened.
“I’ve got all my clothes on and so does Wylan.” Jesper sighed, giving him one last squeeze before letting go of him and returning him to his chair. “I’d never do anything indecent.”
“You love to lie.” Nina raised an eyebrow, Wylan told her everything, in vivid detail. “All men do is lie. I’m sick of you guys.”
“But not me right?” Wylan had not lied to Nina, he was the resident truth teller, he came to Nina with all his problems and questions. She reached over and patted his hand on the table.
“No, you’re special, you’re the exception.” Nina smiled when he perked right up, he liked being special. She supposed it was okay that Wylan was going to pick Jesper over her for the rest of his life, he was so happy doing it, she couldn’t mind.
“I’m special.” Wylan started eating, he kicked Nina under the table in his excitement and she laughed.
“You sure are.” Kaz said, meant to be an insult, but it didn’t hold any malice as they all knew Wylan was the only one at the table other than Inej allowed to touch him. Wylan was the stepping stone between platonic and romantic touch for Kaz Brekker.
Inej told Nina most things, she did withhold a bit of information. She was not as descriptive as Wylan was. She was a lot more poetic, rather than Wylan’s tendency to be real with her. The things she knew about Jesper Fahey’s libido, the two of them giggled about it like he wasn’t Wylan’s future husband.
Honestly, the rest of dinner was normal. They talked about work, school and what they wanted to do when they got home. Nina was just going through the motions.
Inej asked for help oiling her hair and Nina said she’d drop everything. Wylan mentioned he and Jesper might want to curl up on the couch watching movies. Kaz said he’d take a nap, pasta went right to the sleep coma part of his brain. Matthias was suspiciously quiet.
He’d been doing a lot of that lately. Maybe Iseul got all of his words instead. Nina envied him, she just couldn’t figure out why. She knew she was not Iseul, and she would never be, and she did not particularly want Matthias anymore.
It was nice to be wanted and chosen and reassured like this. Maybe she was jealous he’d been let in. He was a new person, completely separate from any of them, and he’d found his own place by Matthias.
Maybe Nina wanted to infiltrate a friend group. Maybe she wanted the people she slept with to not be embarrassed by her. Maybe she did not want to be a secret. Oh. She wanted to be somebody’s girlfriend. A real girlfriend, not a friend with benefits, not a fling, not an experiment, not stress relief.
Nina wanted to matter.
She paid for her food without thinking, handing over her card and leaning back in her chair. Inej touched her elbow and she glanced over. Inej was worried for her, she was spiraling, she’d feel better when they were home crowded in the bathroom together.
“Food’s paid for, I’m off at nine and then I’ll be at the gym for a couple hours. Do you want to come over after?” Iseul reappeared, draping an arm around Matthias’ neck casually. Matthias cleared his throat, Nina swore she could hear his heart thumping.
“You didn’t have to pay for me,” Matthias whispered, he probably felt bad that Iseul only took care of his bill, Nina could promise him nobody else cared. “Yeah. I do.”
“I’ll pick you up?” Iseul traced Matthias’ jaw absently and he nodded, extremely aware all his friends were now also tracing his jaw with their eyes. “Alright, see you later. It was really nice meeting all of you, it’s cool to have faces to put names to.”
“It was so nice to meet you.” Nina grinned, nodding enthusiastically. She was thinking about Iseul’s hand around Matthias’ throat now. It made the most logical sense. “Matty’s so secretive, we didn’t know anything besides you annotating him poetry and kickboxing.”
“Oh, he told you?” Iseul dragged his hand back so he could touch Matthias’ hair, and Matthias really tried to play it cool but Nina could read his body language. This was a man fighting his instinct to burrow into his boyfriend. “It’s a collection of queer poetry by Inuit poets, extremely local to my dad’s hometown. If you’re reading his copy don’t read the ones with pink sticky tabs.”
“Damn.” Jesper suddenly said, the very real thought that Iseul had annotated lewd poetry for Matthias made his head spin.
“Jes.” Wylan whispered, not to tell him off but to remind him Iseul was still right there. Jesper crossed his arms over his chest and Wylan stroked hair away from his face, this was him playing it cool.
“Thank you for the warning.” Nina was so going to read the pink tabbed poems. She felt such an urge to know just how they were having poetic sex.
“I hope we can hang out properly.” Inej offered first, and all heads turned to see her staring right at Iseul. Even Matthias looked surprised. “Matty can invite you whenever he wants, maybe we can see a movie or grab brunch.”
“I love both movies and brunch.” Iseul breathed out, maybe he was surprised too. Maybe his anxiety made him think his boyfriend’s friends were just pretending to be nice and when they left they’d talk about all his flaws.
“Nice to meet you properly.” Kaz said, and it was so sinister. It was nice to talk to Iseul instead of reading all his files. Nina frowned, Kaz continued to be creepy, she wondered what he was doing with the history of their home addresses and blood type.
Once they left the restaurant, Nina grabbed Matthias’ arm and hung off of him. He looked down at her, the dinner went perfect, they all liked Iseul and Iseul liked them.
“What are you dirty dogs gonna get up to?” Nina wiggled her eyebrows and nudged her elbow into Matthias’ side. He softly jolted away from the sharp poke, and shrugged his shoulders.
“We have about an hour left of The Return of the King.” Matthias realized this was not what Nina wanted to hear and she sighed dramatically. She did not care that they were going to watch nerd movies on Iseul’s couch, she wanted to hear about somebody in someone’s lap, somebody getting their hair pulled.
She guessed she couldn’t have everything. At least Matthias had a gorgeous, kind, funny boyfriend that was careful with him and Matthias took care of him just as much. At least Nina was angry in a jealous and envious way and not because she wanted to kill Iseul for treating Matthias badly.
The truth was they both treated each other so well it made her yearn for a partner that took the time to get to know her that well. Nina wanted to be courted, she wanted to take things slow. Which was not at all how she’d ever done things in her whole life.
Her phone buzzed in her pocket and she thought about it for a long time. Did she want to start right now? Did she want Penelope to be the first person she dated to marry? Nina rubbed her nose, it was suddenly very cold outside and her eyes got all teary.
“We did Uber here,” Nina grabbed Inej’s hand and she intertwined their fingers easily. “But I spent so much money on yummy food I’m willing to climb in your truck’s trunk and let Jesus take the wheel.”
“We can sit in the trunk.” Jesper quickly said, his arms wrapped around Wylan’s waist tightly from behind. The two of them somehow walked without tripping over one another, it was a practiced skill.
“Please don’t die.” Matthias grabbed his keys out of his pocket and unlocked his truck, just in time for Wylan to pop open the tailgate. “I have plans later.”
“Don’t do that.” Kaz grumbled unhappily as Jesper and Wylan both offered their hands to him, he’d die if they wanted to hoist him into the trunk. Jesper plopped himself in a corner and Wylan waited for Kaz to climb in before sitting between Jesper’s long legs.
“Pretty girls get seatbelt privileges.” Nina sang, opening the door for Inej and laughing when she climbed in elegantly. She didn’t know how she managed it, Nina bunched up her skirt and launched herself into the truck beside her.
“Did you…actually…” Matthias trailed off almost immediately. His hands were shaking so badly it was a struggle to get the key into ignition. “Do you like him? Be honest.”
“I loved him, he seemed so genuine and kind.” Inej quickly reassured her friend, settling a hand on his arm and offering him a smile. “I can see why you fell for him.”
“That’s. Thanks.” Matthias didn’t know what else to say. He’d love to hug Inej but his truck was so old and so cramped.
“He’d have to take me to dinner before I love him.” Nina turned on the radio and fiddled with the stations until something bouncy and fun was playing. “And I need to know about bedroom time before I make my judgment. Sorry, it may not be important to you, but physical, sexual chemistry matters to me.”
“I uh, I have to get back to you on that.” Matthias turned to look over his shoulder so he could back up safely and forgot his trunk was full of boys. He snorted in surprise and Jesper held up a big thumbs up. He backed up with Jesper’s guidance, laughing to himself the whole time.
“Was that confirmation he’s bad in bed? Or was that you being…ashamed of your carnal needs?” Nina combed her fingers through Inej’s hair, already thinking about them being in their pajamas oiling her hair before bed.
“You don’t have to answer anything you’re not comfortable with. This is a safe place.” Inej reminded him that though Nina made fun of her friends and demanded details about who and how they were fucking, she did not actually need to know.
“It’s hard to focus on driving when I’m thinking about my boyfriend naked.” Matthias said simply and Nina laughed out a perfect honk. She liked this answer.
“So we’ll talk about it at home? After we finish Inej’s hair care, we can drink hot chocolate and talk cock.” Nina pushed hair away from Inej’s pretty face and her roommate smiled fondly at her. Nina kissed her cheek and Inej leaned her head on her shoulder.
“I feel like I need to prepare.” Matthias admitted, the only reason he hadn’t talked about it was because he didn’t know where to start. Nina was so vastly experienced and he felt so wimpy and lame at their skill difference.
“Preparation is very important.” Nina agreed and Matthias sighed, he set himself up for that one. “I hope you’re preparing very well, very thoroughly.”
“I love this song.” Inej said this either because she wanted to save Matthias or because she loved the song.
Nina turned it up, and began singing it for Inej. Inej laughed loudly, Nina could see Kaz jerk to attention in the mirror, she snorted and forgot the lyrics.
Nina kept singing the wrong words, hand in Inej’s hair as she turned around to see what Jesper and Wylan were doing. Jesper held him tight, pointing at glowing signs they passed by, probably reading them out to him.
Wylan held onto Jesper’s arms tightly, smiling brighter than she’d ever seen him before. Maybe this was what they looked like when they were alone, infinitely joyful.
The wind whipped around his redgold curls, he did a lot of squinting, eventually Jesper rested his chin on Wylan’s hair to keep it there. Nina could hear them laughing through the wind and past the sound of the engine.
Maybe she just needed somebody to make her laugh, to keep her safe, to listen to her voice greedily. She thought about Penelope’s unanswered text message on her phone and she thought about breaking things off with the people she had absolutely no strings attached to. She’d never thought of it before.
“How did you know you were ready to date someone seriously?” Nina asked, and Inej turned down the radio. Usually Inej asked the questions. Usually Matthias asked what it meant to be in love.
“Oh.” Inej said quietly, she looked at Matthias who peeked down at her. They were trying to telepathically communicate but neither of them had tried with each other before.
“I really can’t think when I’m driving.” Matthias realized it sounded fake, and a complete excuse. Nina shook her head, sighing small and leaning against Inej.
“Take your time,” Nina closed her eyes, Inej turned the music back up, and Nina hummed the tune. “I’ll take my time too.”
Maybe the secret was not to rush. Maybe the secret was to let love come to her. Maybe the secret was to stop thinking about love and sex and romance and attraction.
Nina didn’t know what else to think about. Inej brushed her fingers through Nina’s hair and she smiled to herself.
Her friends. How they treated her. How she ought to start treating herself. Her eyes fluttered. There was no rush. She could pause things, nothing had to be forever.
She’d have to prepare. Nina pulled her phone out and read Penelope’s text. She wanted to get to know her. She wanted to see if she wanted to get coffee. Nina smiled and put her phone away again.
She’d have to prepare. She wasn’t used to texts asking to meet in public, with an activity that didn’t involve taking her clothes off. She didn’t know if she’d really, genuinely, been on a date.
She sighed loudly and Inej snuggled into her neck. They knew how to speak telepathically. They’d been at it since they met.
Nina would probably be sad that Wylan would pick Jesper, Inej would choose Kaz and Matthias would choose Iseul for a long time.
But she would probably also get over it. She would probably find somebody to choose over them.
There was comfort in knowing this was not a permanent feeling. She leaned into the love pouring out of Inej, their heads pressed neatly together as Matthias drove all of their friends home.
Whatever happened, she would never forget what this love felt like. To be surrounded with so much love was the greatest thing she’d ever experienced. There was not room for too much envy.
She was loved. Not in the same way, but it did not matter. Love was love. Fingers in hair, humming songs together, being asked for advice, arms tight around waists, stolen glances, reassurance. It was all love.
Nina was sure she was loved.