Chapter Text
Though nightmares are a common struggle for pirates, considering the violence they have witnessed and the pain they have endured, Stede Bonnet still feels like a lost little boy when he wakes up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, gasping for breath as he does his best to remain quiet. Izzy sometimes wakes up with night terrors, but it would be a nightmare unto itself were Stede to wake Izzy with his ridiculous dreams. It's not that Stede thinks his partner would be cruel—Izzy will mock Stede about plenty of things, but playfully, or when Stede deserves it, and never about his feelings—but that doesn't mean that the things that haunt Stede aren't ridiculous and deserving of that ridicule.
Stede can't make himself face up to that reality, however, so as always when he has a nightmare, he oh so carefully slides out from under the covers, crawls over Izzy, puts on his battle jacket, and makes his way up to the deck where he can climb up to the crow's nest and look at the stars all by himself.
Stede has been doing this ever since he and Izzy started sleeping together. Nightmares aren't a new thing to him; he's been having them since he was small. He remembers how Mary had been when he accidentally woke her up with his breathless sobbing and panicking after every party or gathering. The distaste in her eyes at being awoken, the half-hearted comfort as Stede tried to settle again, and then the relieved sigh when Stede simply left the room to sleep elsewhere.
He doesn't think he'd be able to stand seeing the same thing happen with his Izzy. He's comforted him through his night terrors, stroked his hand and reassured him that it was all okay... but when it came to his own dreams, Stede could handle them.
It's lonely, yes, but the cool air of the crow's nest and the stars comfort him. He traces the constellations that Izzy has taught him, watching their twinkling as he takes deep breaths to calm himself. He'll return to bed after, and Izzy will be none the wiser. Even as Stede sleeps in the next day.
He expects the night to go the exact same way as always, no reason for Izzy to wake and disrupt their routine, but when he hears grunts from below, Stede looks down, startled to see his partner on the ropes. He feels like he should call out, but the words stick in his throat. Pretending he's okay when he isn't has always been a struggle for Stede, but it's a necessary evil, and he knows that he needs to master his poker face before Izzy reaches him.
As soon as Izzy's face pops up through the floor, Stede fakes a smile. It feels wrong on his face, but it will have to be close enough. "Israel! Lovely evening, isn't it, darling? Did I wake you when I left? Deepest apologies, I was simply having trouble sleeping. You didn't need to come join me, you could have gone back to sl—"
Izzy claps a hand on Stede's shoulder, silencing him. "Shut up, twat."
Stede flinches. He doesn't know what he's done, but Izzy's tone is far too serious for his liking.
"You weren't fucking 'having trouble sleeping,'" Izzy adds. "I know you don't want to talk to me about it, but do me the service of not fucking lying to me. Surely I deserve that, at least.”
Stede clamps his mouth shut and looks at Izzy. He's sure he must look like a sad puppy who just got scolded.
Izzy rolls his eyes but reaches up to stroke Stede's hair to soothe him. "What the fuck happened, Stede? Why aren't you in bed? You haven't been sleeping well. Why?"
Stede's blood runs cold. Izzy knows he hasn't been sleeping well, knows something is wrong. Of course he does, Izzy knows everything that happens on this ship.
"I have—" Stede cuts himself off. Izzy is right, he shouldn't lie to him. But still, he doesn't know how to explain things to Izzy. "I didn't want to bother you."
"You thought you would bother me?" Izzy looks hurt, and Stede can't stand that. The last thing in the world he wants to do is ever hurt Izzy.
"No! I... It always bothered Mary. And the nightmares are stupid, anyway. I didn't want you to know how weak I am." The final sentence is muttered, Stede not wanting to admit his holdup about the matter out loud.
Izzy only looks more sad at that confession, unfortunately, but he pulls Stede in for a hug, which makes it a little better. "Do you think I'm weak for having nightmares?”
Stede immediately nuzzles into the hug as he usually does, nudging his nose against Izzy's swallow tattoo. "No! No, of course not," Stede says quickly as he grips Izzy's arm, "but your nightmares are about things that matter. Like your back or your past captains. Mine are… mine are silly." He tries his best to hide his face.
Izzy shakes his head. "Your nightmares aren't any less than mine. You aren't weak for having them." He strokes a hand through Stede's hair. Normally, Stede would get after him for messing up his curls, but Stede's too tired to fight back. He exhales and leans into Izzy instead. "Talk to me. I want to hear it."
The idea of Stede having to fight through his dreams on his own reminds Izzy of worse times. He won't have it if he can help it.
Stede lets out a shuddering breath. "They're about my father.”
Izzy doesn't look surprised, which Stede supposes makes sense. It's not like he ever mentions his father, and considering the frequency with which he mentions anyone who has ever had a positive impact on his life, the elder Bonnet would have come up at some point if he and Stede got along. "Edward Bonnet..." Though Izzy grimaces at the first name, Stede thinks it's best to use it. Sometimes, he feels like his dad doesn't deserve the title of father, so calling him by his name is cathartic. "He wasn't a kind man."
Izzy snorts. "No kidding. If he hurt you, he must have been a fucking prick."
The affirmation from Izzy makes Stede feel better, and he clutches even tighter to Izzy, reminding himself that he is loved and Izzy won't judge him for his past.
"Yes, well... He was that. He also hated me. He would have preferred any other son, really, over one who picked flowers and couldn't work in the slaughterhouse without crying. I think if my mother hadn't died in childbirth, he would have done away with me to have another heir. As it was, he and his second wife never successfully had any children, and she didn't interfere with his parenting of me since I was his child, not hers.”
Izzy continues to stroke Stede's back and hair as he speaks, listening and only speaking when Stede waivers.
"He used to… he threw parties, a lot of them. To show off." Stede swallows weakly. "I never liked them, too loud and too bright and… too much. I'd hide, or try to make myself scarce… and when he found out how much they bothered me, he—" Stede bites his tongue and turns to tuck his face into Izzy's neck again.
Anger at Stede's father boils in Izzy's gut. How dare someone do anything mean to someone like Stede, someone so bright and kind. Izzy holds him as he shudders at the memory, whispering soft reassurance to him until he can speak again.
"He'd get all the servants together, put a fire in the hearth and light all the candles in the room so it was hot." He's speaking so softly Izzy has to strain to hear. "Then he'd have them all rush around, moving and talking and rattling carts with dishes just to be loud. Just to knock me around. I think he thought it'd make me normal… make me able to tolerate the parties… but it was just painful. All of it hurt so bad and it would go on and on until I'd collapse into tears, barely able to breathe…”
"That sounds like some kind of fucking torture method. I don't think anyone would be able to tolerate that sort of treatment." If Edward Bonnet were still alive, Izzy would have to kill him. As is, he's still tempted to see if Buttons has enough weird witch power to resurrect the man so Izzy can kill him again, as slowly as possible. He's not sure how the elder Bonnet died, but it was not nearly painful enough.
Stede can hear the rage in Izzy's voice and it finally gives him the permission he needs to cry, tears soaking Izzy's nightshirt as he does his best to release his feelings about years of pain. "He was so cruel," he manages between sobs. "I understand him hitting me when I misbehaved, or denying me food when I was getting too fat, but the noise and the heat and the touches were the worst of it. I wanted to die every time he took me in that room.”
All of that makes Izzy even angrier. He's been struck and starved by captains and the owners of orphanages alike and even that was too cruel. For Stede to believe that was a reasonable punishment for childish things makes him want to burn the entire Bonnet tree. He shifts and pulls Stede into his lap, wrapping his arms around him and trying to completely cover him with a hug.
"You deserved none of that, Stede Bonnet," he says firmly, as if his words can shoo away any of that belief that Stede deserved it. "You were a child. You deserved to be loved and protected. Those who did that to you were terrible. If I could have protected you..." He hisses and presses a kiss to Stede's head as the younger man sobs into his chest.
He thinks of where he was while Stede was dealing with this, on a naval ship or still working with Edward. If there is a God, Izzy hopes, prays, that in another universe he was there to save Stede.
But he's here now. Stroking his back and whispering soft comforts to him.
The comforts are considerable, but they aren't enough to stop Stede's sobs. Nothing would be enough to stop him now that he's started. It's embarrassing—he knows that he's an ugly crier, has been told so multiple times throughout his life, but he can't help it, and he knows that Izzy would only be more upset if he forced himself to stop on his account. Luckily, he can continue to hide his face in Izzy's shoulder easily enough, which makes things much easier. He can let out the full brunt of emotion boiling in him without worrying about what he must look like.
All the while, Izzy continues his reassurances, glad to see that Stede is opening up so thoroughly. For someone whose motto is "talk it through as a crew," Izzy has discovered that Stede is actually rather terrible at discussing things that upset him. It's been a sticking point during the course of their relationship, Izzy frustrated and Stede nervous or bitchy about his upset, but they always manage to resolve things in the end. Izzy is always happy to help Stede where he can. He has no problem with weakness, though he knows some would argue he is intolerant of it—he just has no patience with people who refuse to try and learn, and Stede is doing a lot to improve simply by releasing all of his emotions and letting Izzy share the burden.
It takes a while for Stede to calm himself and for his breathing to even. He inhales roughly a few times as he sits back, wiping at his face. "I'm sorry," he wheezes. "Your sleep shirt—I'm sorry."
"Quit apologizing, Bonnet, I can change." Izzy sighs and shakes his head before he reaches up to help clean Stede's face. It's a bit like cleaning up a child; Izzy did it plenty for the other orphans. "Feel better?"
"Yes," Stede sniffles as he leans into his hands. Izzy presses a kiss to his forehead.
"Will you let me help you now, when you have nightmares?" Izzy asks slowly, earning a soft nod from Stede. "And you’ll tell me when you do? No more keeping it secret?”
Stede feels a lump rise in his throat, trying to stop him from agreeing, but he nods and chokes out the words. "Yes. I'll tell you. I'm sorry I haven't been doing so already."
"Don't apologize. Just do better." Izzy squeezes Stede tight before wiping away another tear. "Now then, we can go back to bed, or I can try to teach you some more constellations so you don't have to worry about dreams for a while longer. Which do you prefer?”
Stede smiles weakly and gives Izzy a soft squeeze. "Will you teach me a few more constellations?"
"Want me to point out the unicorn again?"
"Please." Stede turns to look up at the starry sky above.
"So, that constellation right there is Orion." Izzy takes Stede's hand and points it in the right direction. "See the three stars in a row? Those are his feet."
Stede shouts when he suddenly realizes what Izzy is pointing at. "Oh! Yes! I see them."
"There are his head, legs, and shoulders, showing him holding the bow... And those three faint stars below the belt are his sword." Izzy does his best to keep his hand steady as he points out all of the stars that make up The Hunter. His voice is even and soothing, helping to calm Stede's frayed nerves.
Stede leans into Izzy, tucking against his shoulder as he typically does when he snuggles up to his partner. It's as if he's trying to make himself the smaller of the two.
He listens intently as Izzy points out the stars, pointing with him and exclaiming whenever he manages to find the stars Izzy is pointing at. He's always loved the stars; they've been a constant in his life even when everything else felt like it was falling apart.
"I tried to name Alma after the Ursa constellations when she was born," Stede says after Izzy points out the stars to Ursa major. It's startling and for a moment Izzy doesn't know if he should respond. Will talking about his family back home make Stede's anxieties worse or better? Stede doesn't give him time to answer; he just lets out a soft breath and nuzzles closer to Izzy. "Mary was good to veto it. Silly name for a person, much better for a constellation.”
"Some constellations might make good names. I knew a lad named Dipper, once. Was a bit silly, but it suited him." The anecdote seems to cheer Stede, whose chuckles can be felt against Izzy's front.
"Really? How odd! I suppose astral names are somewhat common in the upper classes as well. Stella, Aurora, Celeste, Casseopia, Larissa... Hm. I'm realizing that most of these names seem to be for girls. I suppose I could have picked a much better choice than Ursa amongst all of the options, in my attempts to name my daughter.”
"Probably could have. Then again, I named myself fucking Israel so… maybe neither of us should name people anymore, eh?" That gets both of them laughing. Izzy shakes his head happily as he chuckles.
"I like your name, though. Suits you." Stede stifles a bit of a yawn as he speaks.
"Thanks, Bonnet," Izzy says. "Tired? Think you're ready to head back to bed?”
"I suppose so." Stede pitches forward out of Izzy's lap so that he can stand, stretching up towards the sky once he does. He feels like he could touch the stars, he's so high, though he knows they're truly millions of kilometers away. "Thank you for coming to look for me, darling."
Stede leans down to kiss Izzy on the head, offering a hand to help him up which Izzy happily accepts. "Of course. I'm not going to let you deal with anything alone. We're partners, aren't we? That's what we're meant to do for one another."
"Israel Hands: my partner in crime against nightmares and stargazer extraordinaire," Stede teases, kissing Izzy on the nose.
"You're a twat. Let's go to bed." Izzy leads the way down the ladder, then takes Stede by the hand and returns to their cabin.