Archive of Our Own

Holy shit. Shit, shit, shit!!

This… shouldn’t be happening…

How the hell did it come to this?

…

A few months ago.

I remember feeling bummed out because Craig rarely talked to me due to his anxiety. It had been a few weeks since he was diagnosed with it. Of course, it was a shock to many, including myself. I was so overwhelmed by my own thoughts that I didn’t notice his feelings. Perhaps if I’d paid attention I would have noticed and he would've talked about it with me.

I couldn’t help but feel worried about him. I didn’t know what was in his mind. He would suddenly shut himself in his world, ignoring everything that was going on around him. He told me that was a mechanism that made him feel better. He knows that it won’t make his problems disappear, but it would provide a temporary solution and that was enough as he wasn’t ready to deal with them.

My mind hadn’t stopped at all. I didn’t want to overwhelm him even more so I’d been gulping every thought back down my throat every time it dared to come out. I was going insane; Craig’s silence was torturous.

I felt as if a very sharp knife was piercing through my heart when I heard gossip going on around the school that I was the one who caused this.

Maybe that’s why he doesn’t want to talk about it, I thought. However, I didn’t want to jump to conclusions before hearing him. So I decided to do the only thing I could do.

Wait.

Even though my mind was racing, flooding with everyday worries in addition to overthinking thousands of reasons for Craig being in that state, I could only wait for him to reach out and explain everything. Whenever I’d hear someone gossiping about it being my fault, I would drown those threatening thoughts of self-blame away with the little hope I had that maybe… maybe it wasn’t true.

Yeah, I can’t possibly have overwhelmed him with my worries. After all, we’ve been together for a long time, and it has always been like this.

Then, again, maybe he was being considerate about my feelings and allowed me to relieve my mind by listening to all of it, knowing that it was slowly pilling up, and didn’t do anything about it until it exploded. Leading us to this situation. I mean, it makes sense since even psychologists need another psychologist to relieve their minds from listening to people’s worries.

Shit! Am I dumb? Craig has always been the reliable one in this relationship. I kept throwing all of my worries and insecurities to him and never, not even once, I had let him know that he could rely on me!

I mean, could he?

No, Tweek, stop, you’re overthinking again.

…

Stop thinking and fucking wait, goddammit. Don’t torment yourself with uncertain facts. Craig will certainly talk it out soon.

Just breathe.

…

The next days were torturous. I still hung out with Craig, but whenever we were alone together, the silence made place for my loud thoughts. We were so close, but so distant at the same time. Each one deep in their mental worlds. I wanted to hear something, anything but my thoughts, but I was scared to trigger a nervous response from Craig; even though he locked himself away and I didn’t have the key to see what was going on there.

I started to constantly look at photos we took together to relax. His smile made my heart flutter and quieted my racing mind. 

This is fine. He’s fine. We’re  fine.

One day, I was caught off guard by a note in my locker.

Tweek,

Can you meet me after school at Stark’s Pond? I need to talk to you

   Stan Marsh

What the hell? Stan Marsh? What could he possibly want from me? We’re living completely unrelated lives. Our group friends don’t hang out. Our group of friends don’t talk. We don’t talk. 

…

“What do you want?”, I heard footsteps approaching.

Oh.

“You came.” I looked at Tweek, patting on the space next to me, insinuating that he should sit there. He did so.

I closed my eyes, feeling the cold breeze on my back. We remained silent for a while, Tweek waiting patiently for me to speak.

“So, I have a proposal for you.” He looked at me, confused. “You know, I’ve heard the rumors.”

“Who hasn’t?” Tweek chuckled, exhaling a tired sigh. “So what? You want to teach me how to be a better boyfriend?”

“No! No, that’s not it. Actually, I want you to rely on me instead.”

“Hah?”

“I mean-” I sighed, holding my forehead with the tips of my fingers. “It’s not because I want to help you or anything. Rather, I think we can help each other.”

He still looked confused.

“Look, if the rumors are right, then you probably talked to him about your problems and concerns until he couldn’t handle it. So, instead of talking to him, you should talk to me! I’ll listen to all your problems and concerns, as long as you’re willing to listen to mine!”

“I don’t get it… Why would you help me? Why won’t you tell Kyle or something?”

“Exactly because you don’t have anything to do with my daily life! Think about it, no one will know except us. Also, you can’t 'ruin' my life or be affected by my exposures because we’re unrelated. It’s the same the other way around, which means it’s a win-win scenario!”

“Alright, let me get this straight. You want us to meet secretly to talk about our issues and remain silent? Plus, it’ll be good for both of us because we can’t get the other in a weird situation because we’re completely unrelated?”

“Exactly!”

“I… just don’t get one thing.” I looked at him. “I thought you and Kyle didn’t keep secrets from each other… Why don’t you want to tell him? Is it because it’s about someone he deeply cares about? Or it’s about him?”

“...” Ouch, that caught me off guard. Tweek has sharp senses.

“...Okay, let’s do it. Don’t worry, you can talk about it. I won’t tell anyone, I promise.”

“Thanks, dude… I mean… these thoughts have been suffocating me for a while and… I couldn’t talk about it with Kenny, much less with Cartman, and even less with Kyle.” I held onto my chest, it hurt to even say his name. “I think… I think I’m in love with Kyle. No, I know I’m in love with him. Even though I regret it so much.” I hid my face with both hands.

It’s something I’ve been neglecting for weeks. Perhaps longer, but I hadn’t noticed. Suddenly, his smile was enough to brighten my day, his laugh would warm up my heart, and I found myself coming up with excuses to spend more time with him. Every time we talked I felt as if we were the only ones there, and I would sometimes find myself lost in his emerald eyes. However, along with those beautiful feelings, ugly ones came to haunt me as well. Whenever someone came to us and caught his attention, my heart would uncomfortably tingle, and feelings of hate would arise towards that someone. Dirty, ugly jealousy.

Those dark and disgusting feelings eventually took control over my actions, and I ended up making Kyle slightly push me away, leading to the birth of more hopeless feelings. My heart would crush at his rejecting words, making me feel repugnant. That feeling made my skin crawl, and I would scratch it until it bruised. 

Time became my enemy. The agony of waiting expectantly for an answer from him made me want to be dead. I wanted relief. I wanted to escape. I wanted to be free from those feelings.

Stuck in the middle of feelings of momentary bliss, bitterness, and despair, I silently cried at night. The moon would be at its highest and I would be alone in my dim room, disturbed by thoughts of fright that nothing would ever come back to be how it was. Warm tears would fall carrying drips of my sanity.

Why…? Just fucking why? Don’t get me wrong. Kyle is an amazing person to like. He’s smart, self-sufficient, handsome, skillful, gentle… he might get irritated easily, but he’s very understanding. Dang, I could list thousands of reasons for anyone to like him, even before falling for him myself. Nonetheless, he’s my best friend, the dearest friend who had been by my side since… forever. We’ve been through a lot together, and I can’t replace him with anyone else, which makes me scared as hell. 

Scared that I might ruin what we have with these stupid feelings. I don’t even dare to risk separating from him to calm the hormones. What if we never go back to talking to each other ever again? I might be exaggerating, but I don’t want anything to change. I want to keep on being his super best friend until the day I die. Boyfriends and Girlfriends might end at some point, friendships too, but they’re stronger. At least that’s how I feel about our bond; I mean, if he hasn’t gotten tired of my friendship at this point, even after going through drastic changes and difficult situations, I don’t think he ever will.

I don’t want to change what we have. I never wanted to, but my stupid heart and hormones laughed right at my face. I think that life, once again, is cursing me. 

Talking it out to Tweek made me feel lighter. My mind was, at once, in peace.

“So, what do you think?” I asked.

“Huh? I thought I wasn’t supposed to…”

“Nah, it’s fine. I mean, at least for me is ok to advise or support each other…”

“Ngh… I guess you’re right.” He looked at his hands, fingers intertwining on his lap. “That sucks, man… I kind of get how you feel… these feelings suck, and the worst part is that they might never fade if you choose to stay by his side…” He twitched.

“...I’m more concerned about not letting them out. I… I’m about to burst. Whenever I talk to Tolkien I feel like choking on my own venom.” I felt my blood boil, irritation making my head hurt as I remembered him.

“Tolkien?”

“Well… yeah. They started hanging out after bumping into each other at the library. They like joining each other to study, or do some other stuff.” My stomach turned painfully as I spoke. “Enough about me… I’m here to listen to you too, you know?”

“Well…” Tweek took a long breath in.

We’re in for a long night.

…

A few days later…

I must confess that I didn’t expect Stan to come out to me as bisexual. Also, I didn’t think getting involved with him, even in secret, would be a good idea. I’m glad that I was wrong.

We’ve been meeting every day to talk. The results have been great. I don’t feel as stressed and as tormented by thoughts as I was before. Of course, I occasionally overthink one time or another; although, overall, it’s making the wait for the real confrontation easier.

School has been chaotic lately. Bebe and Wendy suddenly had a big fight at lunch. It was a weird scene since they were known as “besties”. From what everyone was gossiping about and from what I spectated, Wendy had exposed a big secret of Bebe to the other girls. Some gossip says that it was about Bebe being a kinky masochist, others say that it was about her having a crush on one of the girls. I don’t think anyone got the real reason right. I mean, girls like to spread distorted information.

What’s fucked up in this situation is the fact that Clyde was dragged into this mess. Wendy confessed to him not long after. Clyde told the group that she told him that she’d been in love with him for a while but was being considerate of her ex-friend, who was coincidentally his ex-girlfriend. Wendy didn’t want to Bebe think that she was a grass-cutter, so she kept her feelings to herself, but that didn’t matter anymore because Bebe turned against her for “stupid reasons”.

He added that Wendy was sad because everyone thinks she was a bitch for exposing Bebe like that (which yes, I agree), but that no one cared why she did so. Apparently, Bebe was talking badly about her behind her back, and she wanted to take revenge. 

In the end, Clyde accepted Wendy’s confession. Of course he would, he’s been whining to us about not having a girlfriend for a long time now. Even though this is all messed up, I hope she doesn’t hurt him and that he’s content about having someone.

On the other hand, I’m overjoyed! Stan helped me build the courage to ask Craig out to watch a movie at home, to which he agreed. We’ll be watching it next Friday.

I’m internally squealing excitedly. I can’t wait for it!!

…

“Bebe? What are you doing here?” I slowly approach myself and sit on the swing next to the one the Blonde is sitting on.

“Oh, Heidi, hi…” She lowered her head. “It’s- I- I don’t know, lost in thoughts, maybe?” She massaged her forehead, seeming distressed.

“I heard the rumors.” I bit my lower lip. “I actually was looking forward to a moment alone with you to ask how’re you doing…”

“It’s… I… I don’t understand. Why would she do that? What have I done that made her… do something like this?” Hearing her voice crack made my heart tighten. 

“Listen, Bebe…” I reach for her back and caress it slightly. “Sometimes people aren’t like we know and trust them to be. Maybe it’s better for you to see her  real  self now than later when you might have gotten hurt for real.”

“I guess you’re right…” Her glossy eyes symbolized that she was about to cry. “I don’t know what I was thinking… She’s- I… I just appreciate her so much… It still… hurts.”

“Well, you shouldn’t feel hurt by someone who doesn’t care.” I pat her head. “I heard she’s going out with Clyde now. I don’t think she cares that you’re here, feeling helpless.”

“I know…” Bebe stares at me, her brown eyes hypnotizing me. So beautiful.

“Do you also know how much I appreciate you?” I smirk, gently brushing my gloved hand against her chin, eyes focusing on her glossy, pinkish lips.

“What…” Before she’s able to finish I surprise her with a quick peck on her lips. Tutti-Frutti, interesting.  It was quick, but I was able to briefly close my eyes and sink into the feeling.

“Just like that.” I smile, appreciating how red her face has gotten. I might be blushing myself, as I can feel my ears and cheeks burning. She keeps a shocked gaze for a brief moment before abruptly standing up.

“I- uh… well... I need- I need to go to the bathroom.” She says, turning to get back into the building. “I-I’ll see you later, H-Heidi.”

I watch her speed-walk back into the building. Sighing, I swing a bit backward, just to let go and let the cold air hit my face, in an attempt to cool my burning face down. Closing my eyes, I smile like a goof. I can’t believe it was actually that easy.

I’ve liked Bebe, for a long time. She enchanted me with her grace, always wearing gorgeous outfits and smiling brighter than the sun. She was the main reason I didn’t look back when I finally got rid of Cartman. She’s so pretty and delicate like a jewel to be appreciated. Such a precious being shouldn’t be tied to an envious bitch like Wendy.

That woman didn’t appreciate Bebe as she deserved, desperately trying to get the guys' attention to prove she was better at everything, even looks. 

Maybe if I hadn’t been with Cartman, I would innocently think it to be better for her to be happy, no matter how unfair it seemed to me. Fortunately, I know now that it doesn’t need to work like that. I needed to  save  her from her friend’s toxicity.

That’s why I led Wendy to believe that Bebe was badmouthing her behind her back. Knowing how impulsive Wendy is, just some stupid unfairness committed against her would enrage her enough to do something extreme. Everything occurred accordingly, and now Bebe is free from that piece of shit.

Moreover, as a plus, I figured that she actually likes girls. Which means I have a chance.

And I won’t waste it.

…

I brutally opened the bathroom door as I was in a hurry to splash some water on my face. I sigh loudly, mentally exhausted. I stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, dark circles, dead eyes, messy black hair coming out from my half-assed worn beanie… fuck, I look like shit. I place my hands on the sink’s counter and lay my forehead on top of them. The headache caused by the hangover was almost unbearable. Worst than the loud ringing in my head was the aching agony in my chest.

Today, right after arriving at school, I met Kyle, who told me that he wanted to talk to me at lunchtime. My heart dropped, and my stomach twisted in angsty. My mind started racing, which wasn’t cool. My head felt as if it was going to explode.

Why does he want to talk so suddenly? Is he suspicious of my feelings? If he is and confronts me, what will I do? No, no… it might be about something else… Maybe he wants to discuss an idea with me? Yeah, could be. Or it could even be about some juicy gossip. Yeah, I gotta calm down…

I couldn’t focus on classes at all. I kept playing with my pen, trying to drive my focus to something else. The fact that Kyle didn’t greet me in the second period because he was so immersed in his talk with Tolkien didn’t add to my comfort. On the contrary, it made my stomach burn (maybe from all the venom I’d been gulping back inside). No, no, no… die out, feelings, please-

The teacher’s high-pitched voice sounded so loud, that it worsened my headache. At some point in class, I pondered whether I should ask someone to knock me out, but I decided against it. I’m not in the mood to be scolded by Kyle.

I guess I fell asleep at some point. Because I was awakened by a gentle hand patting my head. Even when I was out of it, all the disturbing feelings didn’t give me a break. I blinked several times for my vision to adjust, revealing Butter’s image, a soft expression on his face.

“Come on, fella! It’s lunchtime.” I jumped at that, the hangover causing me to lose balance. Shit. “Woah! Careful there, we don’t want to cause an accident.” Fortunately, Butters was there to support me, preventing my fall. “Are you alright?”

“Mhhm yeah… I just got a headache…” I mumbled, placing my hand on top of my eyes.

“Oh… I’ve got some medicine, do you want it?” Butters offered and I nodded. He started to look through his pink Hello Kitty backpack, taking out some red pills. “Here!”

“Thanks, Butters… I owe you one…” I said, immediately gulping the pills down together with water.

“Don’t worry about it, fella! I hope you’ll get better soon.” Butters smiled, gently patting my back. Cartman yelled at him and he excused himself to follow the fatass. I observed him run to the door and, glancing to the side, my gaze met Kyle’s figure. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of him waiting for me. I hurriedly organized my stuff, not wanting to make him wait (even though I was trembling nonstop while doing so due to the nervousness caused by thoughts of what could it be that he wanted to tell me).

We left the class together in silence. He was the first one to talk.

“I saw Butters gave you medicine, are you ok?” He asked, my delusional heart clenching warmly for his concern towards me.

“Yeah, it’s just a stupid headache. It won’t kill me.” I let out a laugh.

Kyle nodded at my response, then he started following an uncommon path, I let him walk slightly frontwards so I could follow him. My nervousness made me scratch my already bruised wrists (probably ruining all the healing to date) and periodically bite the inside of my mouth. I could also feel the heat rising.

Finally, he stopped at a desolate place behind the school. There were some trees and bushes so we were out of sight. We could still faintly hear others chatting around the area and playing in the nearby court. My thoughts focused back on my best friend when he took a deep breath in.

“Stan, I’m telling you this because you’re my best friend, and I think that I should tell you because we’re not hiding secrets” I cringed at those words. Sorry Kyle, but your stupid piece of shit of a friend is hiding the ugliest secret ever from you. “but don’t you dare tell anyone about this, alright?”

“Sure” I breathed out the air I didn’t know I was holding in. “You know you can… count on me.”

“Yeah” Kyle laughed, making my heart go crazy. How can he be so beautiful and do this to my heart? “Well… I don’t know how to tell you that, actually…”

As Kyle awkwardly shuddered in hesitance, I analyzed him. His hands were restless - trembling - playing with one another in distress. I could sense how tense his body was. His head was turned slightly towards the floor, eyes focusing everywhere else but on me. Plus… his face was… red?

Wait, wait, wait- Shit, that can only mean one thing.

The atmosphere was suffocating. As he closed his eyes and took a deep breath in, I dreaded what was coming, desperate for something, anything to come and interrupt us right now.

“I might like Tolkien.” Ah .

Ah. There, right there.

I knew it. I was getting my heart broken and was unable to do anything about it. That's for you to learn, body; you should move on.

We need to move on.

“Stan?” Oh, right, the world hasn’t stopped. I’ll have to freak out later.

“Sorry, I was… caught off guard…” I wasn’t, actually, he’d been paying too much attention to that guy lately. “That’s- uh, that’s good, I guess? Tolkien’s a nice guy.”

“Aren’t you… hesitant… for me, you know, like a guy?”

“Why would I be? Isn’t Cartman dating Butters? Haven’t Kenny kissed a bunch of guys as well?”

“I don’t think they’re a thing.” Kyle’s face distorted to one of disgust. “At least I hope so, poor Butters… but I guess you’ve got a point.”

The silence struck. I was uncertain of what to say, and too busy to think about it, as I struggled to ignore my heart shattering into pieces. Nonetheless, all I felt was a broad emptiness. I assumed the urge to cry would come later, as I processed it. That’s why I was fighting against thinking about it.

“So… you’re fine with that?” Kyle broke off the silence.

“Yeah, sure dude. I’ll always support you. You… you’re my best friend.” I smiled, voice almost cracking at the last words.

After that encounter, I went through the rest of the day with a blank mind. I don’t quite remember any of the following events, trying not to gather too much information, trying to keep my mind empty; just like my chest was.

Now, I find myself staring up at Tweek’s window. Dang, did I walk here absentmindedly?

Shaking my head, I sigh. Ignoring the guilt and fear of trespassing, I climbed up to the blonde’s window. The feelings piled up needed to burst out. 

I tried to tap twice to see whether there was someone inside. After some time without a response, I check whether it’s open. To my luck, it was; so I entered the room and closed the curtains. Before anything, I sent Tweek a message, warning him that I was here. Then I looked around the shadowy room. I sit beside his bed and curl up, bringing my legs to my chest and hugging them. Finally, I allow the stinging tears to fall, crying to my heart’s content.

…

I close the door as soon as I enter my house. God… work was tiring today.

I take out my phone, feeling my heart jump when I see a notification from Craig. I immediately click on it.

Craig : U going to the party tmr?

I frown, feeling all of my excitement melt away. I mean, I was glad he contacted me…

Me : I wasn’t invited to anything tmr. So I don’t think so?

Me : Y? U going?

Craig : I guess… It’s been a while since I went to one.

Me : Weren’t we watching a movie tmr?

Craig : Oh

Craig : Can’t we do it some other time? I mean, it’s not like we bought tickets or smth

That’s not the point. Is what I wanted to type.

Me : Yeah, it’s fine.

I turned off the phone, feeling frustrated. I was looking forward to it so much and now it won’t even happen. Despite carefully choosing a movie he’d enjoy and buying his favorite snacks, he canceled on me.

And I hate that.

How can he be so inconsiderate? All he’d been doing to my heart - crushing it, making it uneasy - isn’t enough? Is it my fault to say that is fine? Would it be better if I spoke my true thoughts? Though… I’m not really ready to confront him, I don’t want to make things worse… Maybe I raised my expectations way too high but, but… shit-

Why am I like this? Is great that he’s actually willing to go to social events once again. Doesn’t that mean that he’s possibly feeling better? Then again, isn’t he only going so he doesn’t need to spend time with me? It seemed as if he’d forgotten, but I can’t know if he was pretending not to remember. Even so, I should be cheering for his wellbeing, not getting mad at him for wanting to hang out after locking himself from everyone for so long.

I sigh, I really am an unreliable boyfriend.

I wipe the tears that were daring to fall. I go upstairs, heading to my bedroom. Opening the door, I almost pass out seeing a body sitting next to my bed. After a loud scream, I quickly turn on the lights, catching sight of Stan’s figure.

He looks up and I can see his puffy red eyes. I try to open my mouth and ask what happened but nothing seems to get out. I guess he noticed my struggles because he turned his head to his front and opened his mouth.

“Kyle called me today. Said he wanted to ‘talk’.”

I remain silent, not wanting to jump to conclusions or rush his pace.

“I thought he might’ve figured out about my feelings… so I had a bad feeling about it from the start.” He paused and breathed in shakingly since he was crying.

Silence struck again, and I saw Stan close his eyes, a tear falling slowly down his cheek and to his lap. He lets out a laugh. “He didn’t, he wanted to talk about his feelings.” I frown as he takes another shaky breath in, hesitating again. “He–” His voice broke, and he struggled to swallow before continuing. “He said he was in love with Tolkien.”

I hold my breath at the reveal, my empathetic side already aching for him. Shit, and he was worried about Tolkien for a while now too; to think that it was really the situation… I felt suffocated, the atmosphere being too heavy after the revelation. Still, I opted for silence, I wanted to hear it all.

“I-I don’t even know how I survived the rest of the day.” He sniffled, laughing brokenly. “Emptiness was the first thing I felt, the only thing for a long, long time. I-I think my defense mechanism blocked any thoughts from popping out, too. Then a small sting started, slowly, very slowly becoming more and more noticeable. It was- It was a cold feeling, you know? It was very subtle as well, differently from what I expected.” He made a pause to catch his breath before laughing some more. “I had this image in my mind, a very dramatic one. I was so sure I was going to break down, to feel my heart tearing and cry miserably. Sometimes I would even picture myself pleading to him, making a complete scene.” He went silent for another minute or so. “But I didn’t feel anything, at least not at first. I was trying to convince myself that it was because I was already hopeless and… I just knew that I didn’t have a chance.” He blinked a few times, getting rid of the tears pooling in his eyes. “Then, when I got here, I- I just lost it. That sting slowly manifesting was my heart ripping. The tears started falling and I just let them. It’s- It’s not as if I could hold them back, either way.”

I remained silent. I didn’t even know what to say, what I could say. It was a long time before he spoke again.

“And now… now the fucking emptiness is coming back. Or it’s melancholy. I don’t even fucking know anymore, dude! I’m just- I- I’m a mess. I’m a complete mess and I’m so, so sorry that you are seeing this, Tweek. I really am. I- I don’t even know why but when I came to my senses I was already here and–”

“Stan, it’s ok.”

He paused and slowly stared at me, lips trembling.

“I agreed to this, remember? We agreed to help each other, and I’m willing to keep on doing that until you’re back standing.” I tried smiling, although I guess a sad one blossomed. “Cry all you need, scream all you need, it’s okay. Everything that happens here stays here.”

Needless to say, he went right back to crying. I only stayed there and waited for him to calm down. At some point, he grabbed my stuffed owl and hugged it tight, crying into it. Nothing dramatic, though. There were sobs and tears but he wasn’t screaming or making many other noises. It didn’t last that long, either. Soon enough, he was back with only hiccups, his face all red and stained with snot and tears.

“A-at the very l-least one o-of us is in the bright.” He said, grabbing the water bottle I was offering him. “You excited for the movie?”

I sighed heavily.

He stopped drinking the water. “Oh no, what?”

“He canceled on me. Said he was going to a party instead.”

“The one at Bebe’s?” Stan arched his brow. “Why don’t you go with him?”

“I wasn’t invited.”

“So? I can invite you.” I looked at him confused. “What? That’s how parties work, people who learn about it just go on inviting other people. It’s not like there’s a guest list.”

“Are you even in condition to attend it?”

“Dude, it’s a party. Free alcohol. If anything, I need it more than ever.” He rubbed his face with his hands. “Fuck, I could really use a drink right now.”

I avoided his eyes. “Still, I don’t know. I’m not really in the mood.”

“Resenting because he canceled on you?”

“He told me to come to the party, so it was more of a change of plans.” I confessed. “I’m happy that he’s willing to socialize again, it’s been a while since the last time. But at the same time, I was really looking forward to some alone time with him. I don’t want to go and let him see that I’m in a bad mood or whatever. I don’t want to ruin that for him.”

“Uh… okay. Just… let me know if you change your mind, ok?”

“Sure.” I nodded. “And thank you, Stan”

“I’m the one who’s grateful, dude.”

…

I was one of the first people to arrive and went straight to where the drinks were. I needed to get wasted fast, I don’t know if I could take seeing Kyle while sober. Soon enough, Wendy and Clyde joined me. Clyde was being his usual self, but Wendy looked kind of gloomy. It really took me by surprise to see her down 5 straight vodka shots, she usually keeps herself on track. Since Clyde wasn’t noticing anything strange, I thought it would be too awkward to ask anything, so I didn’t.

When Kenny arrived, asking for two cocktails for us, I was already dizzy. I lost count of how many drinks I had with him, and when I came to it I saw him hitting on a fake plant. I wasn’t okay either; I tripped and almost fell a lot to get to the bathroom, and I doubt I got everything in the vase. I tried finding Kenny after that but failed.

I don’t know how long the party has been going on, but I’m pretty sure I talked with Craig at some point. I also remember talking to Butters and laughing a lot when I came across Kevin having a heated argument with a lamp. Fuck, did I also see Scott making out with a pillow?

All of my memories of the night are like flashes. Maybe I blacked out a few times, or simply spaced out stupidly. I found myself laughing at a ceiling lamp thinking it really looked like a nipple, as well as regaining consciousness in different places in the house. I had no idea how I ended up in the pantry, and it took a long time for me to find the door handle to get out of there.

Walking through the corridors of the house, I came across a lot of people making out. Clyde and Wendy, Butters and Cartman… Heidi and Bebe were news to me, but there they were, making out passionately.

Until I’m at the drinks’ place again. I have no idea how much I’ve drunk already and I don’t care. I ordered something strong, the giddy feeling the alcohol gave me was fading and I wanted it in my system again. The liquor burned in my throat, but I still drank it in one go. What was I even worried about?

I was having yet another drink when some girls pulled me over to dance, I couldn’t even remember their names at this point. Everything was spinning, I was cheering while observing two people trying to see who shook their hips better. Two girls started making out in front of me, while their friend tried to kiss me. I gently pushed her away and left the room. I tripped on some passed-out teenagers.

I was so dizzy I felt like I could use some fresh air. I struggled to find my way out of the house, ending up in the backyard. I was about to go down and lie on the grass when my eyes landed on the one thing my heart was so desperately avoiding this night.

Kyle.

But not only Kyle, Tolkien was there too, and they were kissing.

I was back inside in a flash. I moved so fast I got dizzy and fell down. The air had been drained from me completely.

Fucking hell, they were kissing. And they seemed really into it. Shit, shit, shit.

The sorrow was back, the crushing pain in my chest was back, too. I didn’t notice I was crying until I lightly felt something falling on my jeans. I reached for my cheek, just to see that it was wet. I took a deep breath in, trying to pull myself together. No one could see me like this. If they questioned me I would probably spill all out because that’s what my stupid self does when drunk.

Still, I hoped I could be drunker than this. I wanted to drink until I blacked out, until this night was wiped off my brain. But it wasn’t safe to get drunk here, Kyle was here, and pretty much everyone else I know. If I made a scene, no one would let me live through it. And my friendship with Kyle would pretty much be ruined as well, and I really, really couldn’t afford that.

Determined to leave this hell, I went to the drinks place again and grabbed a full bottle of vodka. Everyone is so out of it at this point, I doubt anyone will notice. After finding the front door, I walked out of it to the cold of the night. I took a deep breath in, in a desperate attempt to relax. My nerves were tingling, my vision was spinning, my ears were ringing, and my heart was aching. I really need to get over him. If there’s a God up there let me please, please.

I walked the path I came to know really well.

…

It was almost three in the morning when Tolkien called me. I wasn’t asleep yet, a bad habit I tried practicing only when the weekend was coming up. I was doing some origami to kill time when I received the call.

“Tweek?”

“Yeah?”

“Sorry about the time, thought you’d still be up.” Tolkien said, and I could faintly hear some music blasting in the background. “I didn’t wake you, did I?”

“No, I wasn’t even aware of how late it was.” I said, looking at the clock by my bed.

“Could you possibly come and pick Craig up? He’s so wasted right now.”

I let out a laugh. “Having fun, I assume.”

“Yeah, this party is great.” He laughed too. “Still, I’m a bit worried about him. I could bring him home myself, but if you could come and pick him up, it would be better for me. I’m sort of… caught up on something.”

“Sure, man. You’re at Bebe’s, right?”

“Mhm.”

I left almost immediately. Since I wasn’t in the mood to drag him back in the cold, I got my dad’s keys and drove to her house. The radio played calm songs and I hummed along with it. Eventually, it started snowing as well.

Nothing could have prepared my heart for the scene I pulled over to.

Craig was making out with Kenny at the front door. The blonde had a hand holding him by the waist while they shared a gentle and seemingly passionate kiss.

My heart dropped, and I went around the block immediately.

What the fuck? What the fuck!? Was that all planned out to tell me that he was tired of me? That he really couldn’t stand my paranoid and freaky self anymore? That he was tired of me trying to push it even when he dropped so many fucking hints?

What was that for, really? I spent the past months forcing myself to not jump to conclusions, because that’s how most misunderstandings happen, and for what? I fought so hard to ignore every single individual who claimed that I was the reason why he turned out like that. It was all for nothing. I know that communication was never his strong point, but I never expected this from him!

God-fucking-damnit! Did he really start to ignore the world as a quiet means to say that he wanted me to leave him alone? Because he couldn’t afford to tell me directly? Was he trying to avoid that by waiting for me to get tired of that act and be the one to break up? Crap, I’m such a shitty boyfriend, never able to tell what he wants, when he was always able to do it when it was me. I was so caught up in my delusions I turned a blind eye to what was really happening.

Craig has had enough of me.

I stopped the car, the tears falling from my eyes like cascades. I lay on the steering wheel, sobbing uncontrollably. My heart was in so much pain. I felt betrayed, dumb, angry, sad, everything! Why the hell didn't he just say it? It would hurt less, probably. I don’t even know at this point…

All of the words coming from the other students started playing in my mind, each hitting me sharply. I truly hoped those weren’t true, that they were trying to get in between us; that they couldn’t accept the fact that I, a complete freak, was involved in a wholesome relationship. Perhaps they just knew better, but that thought didn’t bring me any comfort.

It took me a while to pull myself together (the best that I could given the circumstances) and drive back home. I was exhausted, drained. I just wanted to throw myself in bed and cry myself to sleep. There wasn’t anything else I could do besides that, either way.

Back to my room, there Stan was, with a bottle of vodka and a pitiful expression on his face. It was all red and stained, as if he had been crying. I bet I wasn’t looking much different from that. He glanced at me, arching his brow. I simply sat in front of him and took the vodka from his hands, opening it and taking a shot.

“I’m guessing the party wasn’t a good idea, after all?” I asked, loosely glancing at him.

He took the bottle from my hands, taking a shot. “It served to destroy anything there was left of my heart.” He let out a broken laugh.

“Hm.” I mumbled.

“The fuck happened to you?” He asked, turning to look at me. “You look like, I don’t know, like your dog died or some serious shit like that.”

I grasped the bottle, taking another shot. I stared blankly at it, feeling my heart tighten. My eyes got filled with tears, and I took another shot, wiping them as fast as I could.

There was a long silent pause. I could tell Stan still had his gaze locked on me, patiently waiting for when I was ready. I avoided looking at him, still trying to digest what I had just experienced. My delusional heart refused to believe Craig would ever do something like that to me. Yet, it happened, I saw it with my very own eyes.

“I went out to pick up Craig from the party.” I started, feeling my eyes fill with tears again. “Tolkien called me, saying that he was super out of it or something like that.” I took another shot, feeling the drink burn its way down. “Of course I would go, I wouldn’t mind even if it had disturbed my sleep.” I swallowed, but the lump in my throat didn’t go down. “Just to get there and find him making out with Kenny.”

Stan’s eyes widened in disbelief. “Fuck, I must be really out of it.”

I laughed bitterly. “I wish I was and this was all an illusion, a dream, anything but what really is.” I hid my face behind my hands, sobbing. “I- I know it’s not, but even if for a second, I’d like to believe it is.”

Stan grabbed the bottle back, raising it upwards. “So let it be.” I slowly turned to look at him. “Let’s drink until nothing feels real anymore. Then we can pretend it isn’t.” He chugged down a few times before passing it back to me.

We passed it back and forward until the bottle was completely empty. In the pauses between one chug and the other, Stan told me how he saw Kyle and Tolkien kissing, and how he hopes he can get over his feelings soon. I also shared some of the thoughts regarding Craig and our relationship that were clouding my mind. We shared tears, the pain of heartbreak, but there was an odd sense of comfort in it. Maybe it was the drink.

At some point, we were lying down on my carpet, looking up at the ceiling. There was nothing there, the lights were off and I didn’t have any stickers glued on it. The empty bottle of vodka had rolled to some corner of the room and everything was spinning. I had never drunk to this point, the feeling so unfamiliar it was supposed to make me worry. However, I was feeling lighter, so lost in it that I couldn’t bring myself to freak out.

Stan occasionally laughed brokenly, which made me question how out of it he was. He had been already drinking at the party, so there was no clue as to how much alcohol he had in his system. I couldn’t help but worry in the back of my mind whether he would get alcohol poisoning or something of sorts; still, I wasn’t in condition to help him even if he was.

“Hey, Tweek.” He stood up, crawling closer to me.

“Yeah?” I didn’t move, only glancing at him. He stayed put for a few minutes, something I didn’t mind because I guessed he couldn’t even sort his thoughts right.

That was until he suddenly cupped my cheeks and leaned in, kissing me on the lips.

Holy shit. Shit, shit, shit!!

It was a mere peck, over almost as soon as it started. I was slow to process it, and before I could, he stole yet another kiss. Except this time it was longer, and I felt him straddling my lower abdomen, positioning himself so he could kiss me more comfortably. I think I was too drunk to register when it became an actual make-out session, moving around each other’s lips and using our tongues. His hands moved down to caress my neck, and I hesitantly held his upper arms weakly.

We separated, panting. He laid his head on my chest, and for another long pause, we remained silent, simply catching our breaths.

Then, he sat down next to me and I used all the strength left in my body to sit up as well. We blankly stared at each other’s eyes. He was so out of it that he started leaning in closer.

This… shouldn’t be happening…

“Stan.” I called in a soft voice that almost came as a whisper. “The hell are we doing?”

He thought for a while. “I have no idea.”

I saw that he was staring at my lips. We froze in that position for another while. Until he closed his eyes and softly spoke.

“I… I think I want to try and fill this endless void I’m feeling.” He slightly frowned. “Fuck, I’m so drunk right now. But I don’t even care.”

Once again, he attacked my lips in a desperate kiss. My eyes widened, and I didn’t quite reciprocate, but I didn’t refuse it either. It sent shocks of heat over my body, and I immediately understood what void he was talking about. He grabbed me by my sweater, trying to deepen the kiss even more. He couldn’t keep his balance so I fell right on top of him.

Once it was over, I glanced down at him, tears falling down his face once again. He blinked a few times before hugging my neck, using it as support to pull himself up close to my face.

“Tweek…” He whispered. “Shit, I know that this is wrong, but does it really matter? We won’t remember when we wake up tomorrow anyway, so please, please… let’s give in to this. Let’s give each other the attention we’ve been craving for all this time. I’m not thinking straight, and I know you’re not too. I know we’re vulnerable, but nothing’s supposed to be real right now. We can give in and pretend it’s real, then wake up tomorrow with no memories. It’ll be as if this was all a dream.”

He sounded desperate, and I could feel the way we were both falling apart. Maybe it was due to the alcohol, maybe it was only our darkest desires manifesting. I didn’t know, I couldn’t know. Everything felt so surreal, perhaps it was actually a dream.

How the hell did it come to this?

I didn’t have the brains to reflect on it anymore. To hell with it.

I kissed him again, pushing him back to the floor. At that point, I stopped thinking about everything. I didn’t need to think anymore, right? 

…

And so, laid on that carpet that barely protected them from the coldness of the floor, both boys allowed their inner desires manifest, ones they didn’t even know existed.

It’s not like they would remember it when dawn came. 

From that point on, nothing was real.

At least that is what both of them dearly hoped for in their bruised hearts.