Work Text:
11th April
Prompt: "Because I fucking love you."
Buck stared longingly at the bottle of tequila in front of him like it held all the answers to his problems.
Tell me, tequila, why did I not save my brother despite that being the only reason I was born?
Tell me, tequila, why did I prefer kissing Demi Harrison's brother, rather than her, behind the bleachers in high school?
Tell me, tequila, why did the universe gift me the most perfect human being after my girlfriend ran away to another country?
Tell me, tequila, why did I fall in love with my best friend?
Tell me, tequila, is my undying love for him the reason all of my relationships fail?
Tell me, tequila, why did I think it was a good idea to play basketball with my best friend and the guy I am extremely jealous of?
Tell me, tequila, will Eddie forgive me for breaking his new best friend's nose with a basketball?
But of course, the tequila does not answer the burning questions in his mind and only stares longingly back at him. So Buck does the only logical thing, and pours himself another shot, throwing it back like water on a hot summer day.
He would not feel so hot in the morning, but that was a problem for Buck in nine hours and Buck in the present, did not care. He might leave Buck in nine hours a glass of water on his bedside table though, just to be nice.
Because if Buck was anything as of late, nice was not it.
It all started when Tommy fucking Kinard passed them his number after his help in rescuing Bobby and Athena from their deathtrap honeymoon. Buck had just missed Tommy when he started at the 118 so he had never met him, but had heard of his legacy when learning about the nightmare captain that was Captain Gerrard. He knew that Tommy had kept his mouth shut and had not been the most forthcoming when Hen and Chimney had started, but had slowly learnt to trust them and became a good friend before his transfer.
If Hen and Chim could forgive him and consider him a friend, then of course Buck and Eddie could too.
They all went out for a drink to celebrate not getting fired and Buck noticed quickly how Eddie and Tommy seemed to gravitate towards each other, but stuck it down to Eddie being friendly and Tommy just overall being a nice guy. It wasn't until Eddie started blowing Buck off because of plans with Tommy that he started to complain.
When he brought it up to Maddie, she immediately blamed his feelings for Eddie on his growing ball of jealousy which he had to swiftly brush aside because, in love with Eddie or not, they were supposed to be best friends and right now, Eddie was being a rubbish one.
It all came to a head when Chimney invited Buck to burn some steam playing basketball on their day off because, even if Maddie hadn't told him the exact reason behind his foul mood as of late, he was concerned about his soon-to-be brother-in-law and wanted to help. It didn't help at all that Buck had just been, yet again blown off by Eddie so Chim swooped in to fix all.
Buck really wishes he had said no and told Chim to shove his plans where the sun doesn't shine.
It was a shock when they arrived at the court and Eddie was there with Tommy, which had Buck's blood boiling at an unhealthy temperature, but of course, they had to put on a smile and Chim even offered to play a round with them.
Again, Chimney and his ideas were suiting up to not be all that fantastic.
Buck and Chim were winning solely because Buck never gave Chim the chance to even touch the ball and he was running at lightning speed from one end of the court to the other not giving Tommy or Eddie a chance to remotely catch up with him. He was using this to take out some of his frustrations so if he was being a dick, so be it, Tommy and Eddie could easily go elsewhere.
When Chim suggested a break, not that he, Eddie and Tommy had really done much but watch Buck wipe the floor with them, Tommy shouted over to Buck to pass him the ball so he could shoot a few practice hoops.
When Buck thinks back to it, he definitely didn't have to throw the ball as hard as he did, but if anyone asks, he will ultimately blame Tommy's shit reflexes on the ball hitting him square in the nose, cracking the bone and sending blood gushing out at an alarming speed.
Buck stood in shock while Eddie and Chim went into full medic mode, the three ignoring Buck, rightfully so, as they moved swiftly to Eddie's truck who, from what Buck had heard from Maddie later on, had taken Tommy to the hospital.
His nose was in fact broken but Chim had apparently said, Tommy was also blaming his reflexes on the break and Buck's name was kept out of everyone's mouth.
Buck of course was grateful because he was not in the mood for Athena arresting him with assault charges because the story was embarrassing enough as it is and he was not for having to explain any of this to the woman. He was not up for explaining any of this to anyone except his tequila and he was okay with that.
Maddie was the only person who was fully aware of everything going on, but with the state of Buck's current mental health and gay crisis, she was avoiding the teasing at this time. She was, however, concerned, but he could deal with her another day. Right now, he wanted to mope around and drink until he passed out so he could at least get some sleep that didn't involve waking up in a cold sweat over losing his best friend.
Another shot of tequila went down nicely just as he heard a key turn in his front door, his eyes rolling so far back into his head that he was sure he got a glimpse of his brain.
"Maddie I am really not in the mood right now."
"Well, it's a good thing I'm not Maddie." Buck spun around on his bar stool so fast his head spun, either from the velocity of the spin or the eight shots of tequila he wasn't quite sure but either way, it had him gripping his kitchen side tightly. "Pity party for one I see?" Eddie nodded towards the tequila, swinging the door shut behind him, the slam making Buck wince.
"I would extend the invite, but I don't have anything for you to drink."
"I hope that doesn't mean you're planning on drinking the rest of that bottle. I'd hate to think of the state you'd be in if you did."
"Maybe that's the plan." Buck didn't mean for his remark to come out as bitter as it did, or maybe he did. He was too many shots in to care too much about the repercussions of his actions now. He had already broken someone's nose, he didn't think there was much going for him anymore.
"What's going on with you Buck? You're starting to freak me out." Scoffing, Buck spun himself back to face his tequila and slowly poured himself another shot, taunting Eddie who looked unsure as to whether he should take a step closer to the man or not.
"I'm surprised you noticed there was something wrong, considering we have hardly spoken in weeks. Bet you can't even name the last time we hung out." Eddie finally found the courage to step forward, his hands going to his hips in an accusing stance, face turned down in a frown.
"Don't be so dramatic Buck, I saw you at work two days ago, we were at the basketball court this morning." The laugh that escaped Buck's lips startled Eddie, the sound distasteful and so un-buck like it sent a shiver down his spine.
"Dramatic? I'm not talking about work, I'm talking about the last time we, as best friends, hung out, on our own, like we used to do every week at least once." Buck smirked when Eddie faltered, the thoughts visibly swirling around his head. "It was two months ago, by the way. Just in case you were struggling to remember. We meal prepped for Christopher because he had science club meetings all week in preparation for the science fair and then we drank a crate of that horrible German beer you picked up in Costco that we deemed the worst beer in the world and we fell asleep watching the original Alien film. Carla and Chris found us unconscious the next morning and you claimed the next day at work that the German beer gave you the worst hangover you had ever had." Buck recalled the day like it was yesterday, having held onto the memory out of desperation when Eddie started pulling away.
"Buck I-"
“No, y’know what Eddie? I think it's my turn to talk. Because that’s all you’ve done. All you’ve done is talk and talk and talk about your amazing relationship with Marisol and your new best friend Tommy and you’re forgetting that I am right here . You’ve been blowing me off for months and, yeah, I get it, you're in a stable relationship and you're happy, but now that you're blowing me off for Tommy ?” Buck's voice cracked as he fought back the tears gathering in the corners of his eyes. “That shit hurts." He turned away from Eddie, trying to control himself but the dam was broken now. With shaking hands, he poured himself another shot, already past the point of no return. The next words from Eddie's mouth shocked him, his voice so quiet he barely heard them over the pounding of his own heart.
"I broke up with Marisol, two weeks ago." And if that didn't twist the knife already embedded in Buck's back. Being in love with someone who doesn't love you back is hard, but whenever he was dating it always seemed a little easier to bear because at least Eddie was happy in his heterosexual relationships and Buck could keep his feelings at bay.
But Eddie wasn't dating Marisol and was still choosing to spend all of his time with Tommy instead of Buck.
Words failed him and he downed another shot before standing abruptly, the bar stool scrapping along the floor making Eddie jump back. He was pretty sure it left a mark on the laminated wood but that was a problem for Buck in nine hours.
Everything was a problem for Buck in nine hours because right now, Buck in the present could not handle feeling anything else.
He shoved past Eddie who seemed to be in a state of shock, grabbing his keys which snapped Eddie back to reality.
"Buck, where are you going?"
"I can't do this Eddie."
"What can't you do, Buck just wait and explain it to me. Why-" Before he could finish Buck spins around, his fists clenched at his side as his body shakes.
"Because I fucking love you." The words leave his mouth before can stop them but what did he have to lose? He had nothing left. "I love you, and not like a friend, or a brother, or like the father of my best friend or like a work partner, I love you like I physically cannot breathe without you. When I'm not with you I feel like I'm missing a limb and all I can think about is the next time I going to see you or speak to you, and at first, the feelings were so overwhelming I didn't know which way was up, and I hit a point where I didn't think I could cope anymore. And then you were shot, and I had a glimpse of life without you and buried my feelings so far beneath the surface that I thought, yeah, I can do this, this is fine because at least you're in my life and we're fine. And now, you're just replacing me like I mean nothing to you. I didn't even know you had broken up with your girlfriend for godsakes!" He inhaled sharply, whispering, "Do I really mean that little to you?" His body was trembling, the tears streaming down his cheeks, but God did that feel good.
All those feelings he had locked away erupted in one messy explosion and if he was sober, he would probably be apologising uncontrollably, on his hands and knees begging Eddie to just forget he had said any of it but he wasn't, and the hangover anxiety in the morning was going to be a bitch but this, this is what he needed.
At least he thought that until he looked at Eddie properly and saw that the man was frozen. He made no move to console Buck or to calm him down or at least acknowledge that he had just poured his heart out to him and that's when Buck realised that how could he? How could he console him when he didn't feel the same way? How could he look Buck in the eye knowing he didn't love him back the way he did?
Shaking his head with a bitter laugh, he sniffed harshly and turned back around, not bothering to close the door behind him as he left Eddie in his loft, with his heart on the floor in front of him.
That was a problem for Buck in nine hours.