Chapter Text
He had kissed Tommy Kinard.
He kissed Tommy Kinard.
Well, Tommy Kinard had kissed him…
But it wasn’t like he had pulled back. If anything he had pulled in when Tommy had suddenly grabbed his chin and pressed warm, firm lips against his own. The taste lingered. And it was like nothing he had felt before. It wasn’t bad. In fact, it felt nice.
He liked it,
He kissed a guy and he liked it. Not only did he like it, he wanted more.
Lips still tingling with a sensation he couldn’t describe, Evan Buckley with his heart still racing finally sat down to think.
He had never considered that he was attracted to men before. Sure, he found other guys attractive before, but not in the same way he did women. He always thought it was more of an appreciation for a toned body, stubby facial hair, smooth skin wrapped around taut muscles. An appreciation for an aesthetic. Like looking at a piece of art.
But after that kiss…the one that was like nothing he had felt before, things seemed different. Almost like he had been reborn.
And this wasn’t like the time his leg had gotten crushed underneath the fire truck, or the time he had been struck by lightning. No. Those were different. Those had gotten the way of his time as a firefighter - those meant trying to find where he belonged again. No, this was more like when he discovered that he was meant to be a firefighter. When finally figured out what he was supposed to do with his life.
But - what did this mean for him, liking guys? He still liked women, sure. But maybe this was why all his relationships had failed. He liked women. He had loved Abby - but the feeling he had when kissing Tommy - that was different. They hadn’t had sex. They hadn’t had deep conversations.
They had just kissed.
It shouldn’t have been anything special - but now that Tommy was gone, there was almost a void. Even though they’d be going on a date on Saturday…he already missed his touch. He had liked the feeling of his rough thumb on his chin, the brush of his stubble against his face and the sweet taste of his lips…
He hoped they’d kiss again.
But, what was he going to tell everyone?
He’d be able to pass of the date as him and Tommy just grabbing a beer. Just two dudes going out to eat. Nothing weird about that. But what if somebody from the 118 saw them? And wanted to join in? What if they saw them kissing?
What would they say? What would they do? What would they think?
Bobby, Chimney and Hen would all be supportive. Maybe confused at first, but they’d be accepting. So would Maddie.
It was Eddie he was worried about. He had caused the man to sprain his ankle because he was jealous.
Even if Tommy said that Eddie wasn’t mad - how could he even begin to explain to his best friend that he had a huge crush on his new buddy? Wouldn’t that just make things weird between them? No.
As much as he wanted to talk to Eddie, he was still nervous about what he would think. That conversation would have to wait awhile.
Buck took a deep breath. He needed to tell someone . He knew that much. Otherwise it will all just come out like word vomit at the worst possible time. And that wouldn’t be good for anybody, mostly himself.
But who would be able to help him?
Maddie was out; she’d definitely tell Chim. And she’d worry way too much. He didn’t need to put her through that just yet. And if he told Chim, he’d definitely tell Maddie.
He couldn’t tell Bobby. That was his boss and wouldn’t be appropriate. And Athena…to be honest, she still kind of scared Buck. She never struck him as a good person to go to for personal advice anyway.
That only really left Hen. Because he wasn’t about to tell his parents and seeing a counselor or a therapist would take time. And he didn’t have that luxury.
Hen would understand…She would know how to help him. Even if she didn’t have experience in the whole kissing guys department, she still knew what it was like to struggle with who she liked and how to tell people…she definitely had to figure it out. It wasn’t like she just popped out of the world with a shaved head and glasses confident in who she was. But still, the idea of telling her seemed impossible.
How do you even come out at a time like this - when most people have it figured out, when everyone his age was married or engaged or seriously dating. Shouldn’t he have figured this out already? It seemed like everyone else knew who they were. Why not him?
He tried to think back to all the times he might have liked another guy. There was Brandon Redford in high school. He was three years ahead, so they were only in school together for a year and never had any classes together - but Brandon had been on the lacrosse team.
Buck almost tried out - but his parents wouldn’t let him and so he had to look at him in the hallways as Brandon swaggered arm draped over that month’s girlfriend. At the time, Buck thought he wanted to be like him.
Now, as he thought back, that might not have been the case.
He couldn’t make that same mistake with Tommy. He admired the man, of course. He was cool. He flew a helicopter into a hurricane and made it seem easy. Nearly everything Tommy was - Buck wished he could be. Especially with how close he and Eddie were - how much they had in common. How easily they meshed together.
That’s what he wanted. But - going on a date with Tommy, and kissing him, that seemed pretty nice too.
Evan Buckley took a deep breath and reached for his phone.