Work Text:
I wish I weren't so emotional
And that I didn't cry so much
Because I get overwhelmed
With one single touch
I wish I weren't so sensitive
Because one thing you say
Even if it's something small
It can ruin my whole day
I wish I could stay calm
And don't get tears in my eyes
From the smallest comment
Or even some advice
I wish I could hide my emotions
And hold back all my tears
But I can't, it's too hard
It's all the emotion of the past 17 years
I wish I couldn't cry
So no one would see how I feel
I could keep it to myself
But it's not only sadness I want to conceal
I wish I could hide my fear
And I wish I was better at faking
But you can hear it in my voice
And my hands are always shaking
So now I hold my breath
And try to cover my face
So you don't know I'm sobbing
While I say I need some space
I tell myself "I'm fine"
I really have to say it out loud
I don't even believe myself
But sadness 'is not allowed'
So I try to focus on my breathing
And think about what I'm grateful for
But then my thoughts wander off
And I'm even sadder than before
I hear your footsteps coming closer
But I don't want questions asked
So I dry my tears and put on a fake smile
But you walk right past
So I don't know what to feel right now
For talking, I wasn't prepared
And I don't want you to see me like this
But I also thought you cared
I cry way too much
And sometimes I don't even know why
But when it comes, I can't stop
No matter how hard I try
Sometimes in the library
Or even at the store
I try to keep it together
But that doesn't work anymore
So I run to the bathroom
My go-to hiding spot
And I cry my eyes out
And hope I don't get caught
When the crying is almost over
I go straight to the mirror
And try to look happy
But it has never been clearer
The redness around my eyes
The tear marks down my cheeks
Blue bags under my eyes
Because I haven't slept in weeks
So I go sit in a corner
And I start reading a book
Until someone walks in
And gives me a weird look
I forgot where I was
And I feel so much shame
That only the look in their eyes
Made me wish I never came
So I stay at home for days
Lock myself up and throw away the key
Because I know there is always someone
Who is making fun of me
I never go out
I always regretted it when I went
I avoid restaurants and parties
Or any social event
In my room, no one can see me
In my room, I'm safe and sound
So I can process
All the new emotions I found
I never make eye contact
But why, I don't really understand
You say it's mean and impolite
But I just stare at my hand
I pick at my nails
And fidget with my ring
Waiting for you to leave
So I can do my own thing
But then you really leave
And I feel kind of bad
I'm lonely but it's calm
So I'm relieved but also sad
So I try to write a poem
But I'm stuck on the first letter
I feel nothing or all at once
And I don't know which one's better
My emotions are all messed up
And there is no one I can talk to
No one in the whole world
No one, but you
But you are so kind
And if you ask me how I am, I lie
Because I don't want you to worry
So I just slowly die
~ 29.11.2022