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Tommy kissed Buck and it felt like breathing and drowning.
Before he even knew what was happening, his body relaxed into it, hand coming up uncertainly to hover over Tommy’s shoulder, lips chasing his.
It was so different, and familiar at the same time. Tommy’s stubble was rough against his face in a way that was exhilarating, and the hand that fell away from his chin was gentle.
And then he was pulling away far too soon, and Buck would’ve felt disappointed if he wasn’t to busy shifting his whole world view.
Because oh.
Oh.
He liked that… he really liked that. He had never really thought of another man like that, at least not in a way any deeper then acknowledging their attractiveness.
But something about it felt so… right. New and exciting, yes, but also… familiar. Like a painting hung in his house that had always been there but he had never really looked that.
When Tommy looked at him, worried and hesitant, he knew that this thing about him was not new. It had been there a long long time, he had just never taken the opportunity to examine it.
“Like that?” His opportunity asked, voice soft.
Buck realized he hadn’t reacted yet, too out of breath to even think of answering.
“Yeah…” he managed breathily, “that works.”
Tommy’s face broke out into a grin, “So that was ok?”
Buck just really wished he would kiss him again, but couldn’t help the way his lips drew up in a soft smile.
“It was better then fake mouth static,” he joked, trying to do anything besides stand there and gape at him.
Tommy let out a chuckle, ducking his head, and Buck just breathed.
“I’ve got a shift.” Tommy said.
“Ok,” Buck knew his voice sounded breathless and winded, but couldn’t bring himself to care.
“Yeah and, cross town traffic,” his eyes drifted down and then back up, “I came in a car this time.”
Buck watched him, unable to look away.
“So, what are you doing Saturday?”
“Uh… S-Saturday?” Buck was barely computing what he was saying, unable to wipe the hesitant smile off his face.
“You still owe me that beer,” Tommy’s blue eyes never left his own, “You free?”
And wasn’t that a loaded question? Because Buck didn’t have any plans for Saturday, and everything was falling into place in his chest, and he had just kissed Tommy fucking Kinard. He was freer then he had been in a long time.
“Yes… I-I… I am free,” he stuttered, smile growing wider, still staring at Tommy like a stunned animal.
“Great,” Tommy’s tone was nonchalant, like he had just asked Buck to watch the game with him, instead of kissing him senseless.
He moved away from him then, going to leave, and Buck felt a twinge of disappointment that he quickly pushed aside. Yeah… one mind altering kiss was probably enough for tonight.
“So, I’ll pick you up… around eight?” Tommy paused by the kitchen table.
“Yeah, eight is great,” Buck agreed, still frozen to the spot.
“Great,” Tommy grinned, moving towards the door, “See you Saturday.”
“Saturday,” Buck breathed, like he needed to say it to make it real.
Tommy pulled open the door to leave, but paused, turning back.
“And for God’s sake, please call Eddie. Now would be a good time… he’s on pain pills.” With that and a laugh that made Buck’s chest ache, he was gone.
And Buck was alone in the loft, the kiss lingering on his lips.
Saturday.
Fuck.
He let out a shaky breath, leaning back against his kitchen island, heart pounding.
His chest felt tight, and his body thrummed with energy, like he needed to move. But he couldn’t stop smiling, everything just felt so… so… right.
But at the same time, he was a little scared. Because what was this? What did this mean?
He had always been attracted to girls, that much was obvious. But… Tommy wasn’t the first man he had noticed. Certainly he was the first man where he had realized what he was noticing, but not the first to be noticed.
He ghosted his fingers over his lips, and hummed with the need for someone to know. He needed another person, someone he could talk this through with, someone who understood.
In the end there really was only one person. Maddie would’ve been excited, Eddie would’ve been supportive, but Hen… Hen would understand. She knew what this was, probably better then he did, she would be able to explain it to him.
Before he really knew what he was doing, his keys were in his hands, and he was out his door.
He knocked on Hen’s door, wincing at the sound. He hadn’t even realized that it was late until he was halfway to her house. He knew her and Karen would still be awake, but he hoped he didn’t wake Denny.
After a moment the door opened, and Karen squinted at him in surprise, dressed in sweats and a loose fitting T-shirt.
“Buck?” She asked confused.
“Uh… hi Karen… sorry. For stopping by so late,” he stumbled, mouth dry.
“It’s fine,” she replied suspiciously, looking him up and down, taking in her nervous appearance. “Come in.”
She ushered him inside, and he stood awkwardly in their entry way, wiping his hands on his jeans.
“Uh, is Hen home?”
“Yeah, I’ll get her, here, sit down.” She pulled him into the kitchen, gesturing at the table.
Buck sat and immediately his leg began bouncing. Karen left to grab Hen, and he let out a breath.
He didn’t know why he was so nervous… he knew they wouldn’t care. But the idea of saying it seemed heavy… like once it was said it was real. Buck wanted it to be real.
Hen came in, Karen trailing behind, wearing a similar get up to her wife, glasses slightly askew. She looked worried.
Buck grimaced in guilt. Maybe he should’ve waited until morning, they were obviously getting ready for bed.
“Hey Hen, sorry… I shouldn’t have come by this late,” he said, but made no move to leave.
“The door is always open for you, Buck, you know that,” Hen pulled out the chair so she could sit almost knee to knee with Buck, face drawn in concern. “Is everything ok?”
Buck nodded quickly, “Yeah, yeah… I’m-I’m fine. I just… wanted to talk. About something.”
This didn’t do much to ease their worry, and the two women leaned in.
“Do you want me to leave?” Karen asked, standing slightly behind Hen.
“No, no, you can stay,” he hurried to assure her. He actually would prefer it, two heads were better then one, after all. Or three he guessed.
He took a deep breath, trying to find the words to say, but they escaped him.
Karen and Hen waited patiently.
“Is it something bad?” Hen prompted.
“No,” the answer came instantly, “No not bad at all. Just… I don’t know, confusing.”
His throat felt thick and his hands were shaking. He frowned. Why was he having such a hard time with this? He just needed to spit it out.
“I, uh- something happened tonight.”
Karen nodded, and Hen watched him carefully.
“Ok,” she said when Buck trailed off, falling once again into silence.
“And it- it wasn’t anything bad, in fact, it was something… really good, I think.”
Hen was still looking at him in confusion, but something in Karen’s expression was softening.
“I just… I wanted to ask you guys… when you knew?”
“When we knew what?” Hen asked gently, as Karen placed a hand on her shoulder.
“… When you knew… that you weren’t… straight,” he breathed out anxiously, hands clenching in his pant leg.
Karen let out a soft little ‘ah’, and Hen’s expression changed to one surprise, then understanding. Understanding and fondness.
It made something loosen in Buck’s chest.
“…Oh,” she said, mouth quirking up into a small smile.
“Yeah,” Buck swallowed, mouth still dry, looking down so he didn’t have to look them in the eyes.
“Buck,” Hen put her hand on his knee, and his gaze snapped up to meet hers.
They were soft, crinkling at the edges from her smile. Her hand was steadying.
“It’s- it’s just something you know. The timing when you figure it out is different for everyone, but once it’s there… it’s there. And you know.” She told him.
Buck thought about Tommy’s hand under his chin, and his lips on his. He knew.
“I don’t… I don’t really know what to do, Hen,” he laughed, feeling nervous and giddy at the same time.
“I know,” she grinned, “It’s scary. But it won’t always be. You’ve got a family that loves you, that will always stand behind you no matter what.”
“She’s right. You’ve always got us, Buck,” Karen added, smiling around red rimmed eyes.
Buck felt his own eyes going damp, grinning at them thankfully.
“I just, I don’t even know what it is yet, it’s all kind of new. Well… not really new. I’ve uh, I’ve been like this for a while I think, I just didn’t realize-“
“Buck,” Hen cut off his rambling, chuckling to herself, “You don’t have to explain yourself to us, we get it.”
“Trust me, we know how… confusing it can be at first,” Karen looked at him with a sympathetic smile, “and you don’t have to understand it, you can just… be in it.”
Buck nodded, heart light. “I, um, I think I do understand it. At least… somewhat.”
He took a breath, rolling the word over in his mind.
“I think I’m bi. Bisexual.”
Karen nodded, smile wet. Hen just grinned at him.
“Bisexual Buck,” she quipped, and Buck groaned, though it was only to cover his laugh.
“So… why are you telling us now?” Karen asked, “You said something happened tonight?”
Buck sighed, trying to stop his smile from growing wider.
“Uh, yeah… I kind of kissed Tommy. Well- he kissed me, I kissed him back.” He laughed softly, the memory still fresh in his mind.
“Tommy Kinard?I thought you hated his guts!” Hen exclaimed with a disbelieving grin. She was laughing too.
“Yeah, well… turns out I just didn’t like how he blew me off for Eddie. He came over to apologize, I apologized too, next thing I know we’re kissing and I’ve got a date for this Saturday.”
“A date, huh?” Karen asked, looking him over, “You really like him?”
Buck relaxed back into the seat, “Yeah. Yeah I do.”
He did. He really liked Tommy. He liked that Hen and Karen knew, he liked that they understood.
“I… I’m really happy, guys.”
Karen huffed, suddenly looking emotional, “Stand up,” she insisted, even as Hen sighed.
“Uh-“ Buck did as he was told, and suddenly his arms were full. Karen hugged him tightly, squeezing like her life depended on it.
“We’re so proud of you,” she stated forcefully, punctuating it with an even tighter squeeze, “You’re so- so- Buck. And we love that.”
Buck swallowed around the lump in his throat, and let himself hug her back.
“Thanks,” he croaked, unable to think of anything better.
Karen pulled away, and Hen came up to him.
She didn’t hug him, but reached up to cup his face softly.
“Things are gonna be different, but they’re gonna be better, yeah?” She said gently.
Buck nodded, and she patted his cheek.
He believed her.
He knew he had to tell Maddie, it wasn’t even a question.
He was nervous, of course he was, but that wouldn’t stop him. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to tell everyone. He wanted to shove Tommy in front of everyone he knew. “Yeah this guy? I kissed him. I kiss guys.”
It made him feel stupid, in a way that was exhilarating. He felt like a teen about to go on their first date.
Apart of him said to wait, that it was too soon. Him and Tommy hadn’t even gone on their date yet, what if they didn’t work out?
But the rest of him knew that this was bigger then Tommy. This wasn’t going to go away if he did. The door was open and there was no closing it.
So he went to see Maddie.
It was in the morning, and he knew she wasn’t working today, and his shift didn’t start for another hour.
He stopped to get coffee, and knocked on her door balancing the cups.
Maddie blinked at him when she opened it.
“Buck?” She said smiling through her confusion.
“Hey, brought coffee,” he said, pushing past her so she couldn’t get a good look at his face. He could tell his nervousness was visible.
He again didn’t know why he was so worried. He knew she wouldn’t react badly.
But it was a shift, a big one for him. For his whole life he had been Buck, the womanizer, the sex addict, the player, however reformed he was now. But now… now it was different.
He guessed he was allowed to be a little nervous.
“Ok?” She followed behind him, suspiciously.
They ended up in the kitchen, sipping on their respective coffees.
“So did you talk to Eddie,” Maddie prompted, looking him over carefully. She obviously assumed his strange demeanor was because of something to do with Eddie.
He took a deep sip of his drink.
“Uh… no, not yet.”
“Ok… you’re going to though, right?”
“Yes,” he said, smiling at her reassuringly, “I just, uh… have had a lot on my mind. Kind of forgot to call him.”
“A lot on your mind, huh?” He could tell she was worried, even as she tried to mask it by leaning against the counter.
“Yeah…” he shook his head, smiling sheepishly, chest fluttering. “I-well, I kind of… got asked out. On a date. This Saturday.”
Maddie seemed even more confused.
“A date?” She smiled in disbelief, “I didn’t know you were dating again.”
She had a right to be confused, after Natalia he had sworn to her he was done, at least for a while.
“This one’s different,” he breathed, smile turning into a grin, even as his nervousness grew.
“How so?”
He took a deep breath, steadying himself, looking down at his coffee.
“Cause, uh… it’s with Tommy. He asked me last night… I said yes.”
He waited a second, then glanced up at her, trying to gauge her reaction.
She was smiling, face drawn up in a way that looked… affectionate.
“You don’t seem surprised,” he chuckled anxiously, putting down his coffee and crossing his arms.
Maddie put down her drink too, and stepped forward, putting a hand on his arm.
“Evan,” she said, sounding like she was scolding him, even as she grinned. “I’m not gonna lie and say I knew,” she searched his face, “I didn’t. But I’m not surprised.”
Buck knew the feeling, “Yeah… it just- kinda makes sense, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah,” she rubbed his arm, and his chest loosened, “It does.”
He felt a sudden rush of emotion at her easy acceptance. How she was looking at him like she did when he was kid, like she always did.
This was a change for him, but it didn’t change anything.
He felt his eyes grow wet, and his throat tighten.
“Oh, hey!” Her tone turned worried, and she pulled him into a hug, letting him lean against her.
“You- you didn’t think I would be mad, did you?” She sounded almost horrified at the thought, and he hurried to shake his head.
“No,” his voice had turned gravelly, “No of course not. I just- It- Fuck, Maddie, it feels like I can finally breathe.” He let his head fall against her shoulder.
He felt Maddie tense, and then relax, tightening her arms around him.
They stood there in the kitchen, quiet morning light filtering in through the windows, just breathing.
They didn’t say anything else, what was there to say? Buck was queer, Maddie wasn’t surprised, and everything was good.
Everything was good.
“Uh, hey man.”
Buck lifted his head, and there was Chimney, still in his sweats, balancing Jee-Yun on his hip. He was blinking sleepily, obviously having just woken up.
The toddler babbled happily and reached out her hands at the sight of her uncle.
Buck gratefully took the opportunity, “Hey!” He said more to his niece then to Chimney, sweeping her out of his arms, “How’s my favorite niece?” He blew a raspberry into her cheek and she giggled.
Chimney looked at Maddie, then Buck, frowning in suspicion.
“What’s going on?” He asked his wife, but she just looked to Buck, trying and failing to hide her smile.
“I’m bisexual,” Buck said quickly, tearing off the bandaid. Now that Maddie knew, it was only a matter of time that Chim figured it out.
Chimney blinked at him, mouth falling open in shock.
Then the man just huffed out a breath that sounded almost like a laugh, and nodded.
“Well alright then,” he clapped Buck on the shoulder, “You really know how to wake somebody up, don’t you?”
Buck laughed, and Jee wiggled in his arms, and they spent the morning together, talking over breakfast and coffee.
Buck hadn’t planned on telling Bobby. He hadn’t planned on not telling him either, it was just- Bobby was different then Hen or Maddie.
Bobby was… well he wasn’t his dad, but sometimes it felt like it. He sure as hell had a lot more respect for him the his real father.
Telling Bobby seemed… big. He knew the man would accept him. Sure he was catholic, but he had always been open with his support of his queer colleagues and friends. He had never given any indication that he would react badly.
But it wasn’t like he needed to know, it wasn’t a big deal right? So what if Buck was bi? It wasn’t like he needed to have a big coming out to everyone, he could just let it come up naturally.
Maybe one day he would let it slip that he was going on a date, and Bobby would ask with who, and would simply nod when he told him.
It didn’t have to be a big deal.
It didn’t have to be. But then Buck was standing alone with Bobby in the Firehouse kitchen, and it felt like a big deal.
Like there was something big bubbling up in him.
It didn’t have to be a big deal… but Buck wanted it to be. He wanted people to know, for his family to know.
“Hey Bobby?” He asked as the other man was chopping vegetables for their dinner.
Bobby hummed in response, not looking up, and Buck found himself at a loss for words.
He floundered for something to say, but came up empty. He really had to get better at this whole coming out thing.
Bobby stopped and looked up when he didn’t respond, taking in Buck’s frozen appearance.
“Everything alright?” He asked, concerned.
“Uh, yeah, yeah totally. I just… it’s kind of stupid. Well, not stupid, it’s just not really a big deal, but I still wanted-“ He stopped, not even sure what he was saying.
Bobby’s frown deepened.
Shit, he was doing this all wrong.
“I, uh… I’ve got a date coming up,” he deflected, looking away.
Bobby nodded, “Ok… and?”
Buck took a breath, “And I’m excited for it. He’s… he’s really nice.”
He watched understanding dawn over Bobby’s face, mixed with surprise.
“Oh,” he breathed out.
“Yeah…” Buck looked down again at his feet, heart thumping loudly.
Suddenly Bobby’s hand was on his shoulder.
Buck looked up hesitantly, eyes wide.
“Thanks for telling me, kid.”
Buck smiled, and Bobby smiled back.
It wasn’t a big deal, but it was.
Buck still hadn’t told Eddie.
He didn’t know why. Maybe he did. Maybe he was scared.
Not scared that Eddie wouldn’t accept him, he knew that wasn’t going to happen. To be honest… he didn’t know what he was scared of.
But whatever it was, it made it so Saturday came, and Eddie still didn’t know.
He sat at the table with Tommy, an awkward bundle of nerves. Their dinner was winding down, and it had been fun… really fun.
But Buck knew he had been awkward, and just couldn’t seem to get himself to relax.
“You seem tense,” Tommy pointed out, smiling gently.
Buck let out a breath, “Yeah, well… this is my first time on a date with a guy. Not that I’m weirded out or anything,” he hurried to fix it. “It’s just different.”
“Good different, I hope,” Tommy teased, and Buck chuckled.
“Yeah… good different.” He grinned, and meant it when he said it.
Then Tommy’s face was dropping in surprise, then quickly morphing into a friendly smile.
“Eddie!” He called out, and Buck’s heart froze.
Shit. Fuck.
“Tommy! And Buck! You’re here together!” Eddie laughed, coming up behind him, Marisol hanging off his arm.
Tommy’s eyes flickered to Buck, taking in his deer in the headlights stare.
“…Yeah, he, uh, owed me for the flying lesson.” Tommy tried to cover.
Buck wasn’t sure it worked, but sent him an appreciative look.
Eddie, ever oblivious, just nodded, “How was it taking it up, pretty crazy right?” He asked Buck clapping him on the shoulder.
“Yeah, uh… pretty crazy,” Buck was trying to ignore Marisol’s penetrating stare as she looked over the two of them. Something in her gaze was… uncomfortable.
“Would you guys wanna join me and Marisol?” Eddie asked, either ignoring, or not noticing Buck’s tenseness. Marisol didn’t seem pleased at the idea.
“Sorry, would love to, but I’ve actually gotta get going, shift tomorrow, you know?” Tommy quickly evaded, eyes roaming Buck to see if he was alright.
Buck couldn’t have been more grateful.
“Oh, yeah, no I get it,” Eddie replied, nodding as Tommy stood, throwing down cash on the table, enough for the food and the tip.
“Yeah… uh, and he’s my ride, so…” Buck hurried to stand, finally snapping out of his shocked stupor, in favor of getting out of there.
Eddie frowned, almost like he was disappointed, but shook it off, saying goodbye.
Buck left the restaurant with Tommy by his side, trying to make it not look like he was fleeing.
The second the cool outside air hit him, he let out a breath.
“I’m sorry,” he blurted out, turning to Tommy, “I’m so sorry, that was-“
“Don’t apologize, I get it,” Tommy said, pulling them towards his truck.
“No,” Buck said as they reached it, stopping him from opening the door, “No it’s not fair of you to have to lie for me. I can’t ask that. I’m not- I don’t want you to think I’m… embarrassed or something.”
“Ok,” Tommy nodded, eyes understanding, “… but you didn’t tell Eddie?”
Buck let out a breath, “Yeah… I- I really only told my sister, and like two other people. I’m going to tell him, I swear I was planning on it. But I just… froze. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Tommy sighed, “I get it. Trust me.”
Buck felt a wave of affection and thankfulness.
Before he could over think it, he brought his hand to the back of Tommy’s neck and pulled him in for a kiss.
It was like their first one, but clearer. Buck’s head wasn’t frozen in shock, and this time, he was able to really enjoy it.
He kept it soft, not deep or heated, but firm and sure.
When he pulled back, Tommy followed him, pressing his lips back to Buck’s. A chuckle escaped him, muffled by Tommy’s mouth.
Finally the two separated, lips and cheeks flushed red. Buck kept his hand in Tommy’s neck.
“I-“ he cleared his throat, “That’s the last time you’re gonna lie for me, ‘K? I’m gonna tell Eddie.”
Tommy grinned and leaned in to kiss him again.
In the end it was Eddie that came to Buck. The day after the date, they worked a twelve hour shift together. Buck knew he was being avoidant, but he couldn’t help it.
He wasn’t used to keeping secrets from Eddie, it didn’t feel right. But it also didn’t feel right to just, up and blurt it out at work, like he had with Bobby. No… he had to do this one right.
He was going to text Eddie once the shift was over, but was beaten to it.
He had barely had time to shower and change, when there was a knock on his door.
He wasn’t surprised to see Eddie standing there, but it did make him anxious.
“Hey man, can I come in?”
It wasn’t a question Buck would ever say no to. He let out a nervous nod.
Because this was it. Eddie was here. In his loft. And Buck was gonna tell him.
Why was this so much harder than everyone else?
“What’s up?” He asked mouth dry, hoping Eddie would start the conversation.
Eddie sighed, leaning back against the counter, crossing his arms.
“I just- I wanted to make sure we were ok.”
“Ok?”
“I mean, you’ve been acting really weird lately, ever since the basketball thing. And I forgave you for that, we talked about this. But sometimes I know, you have a hard time believing it, so I wanted to make sure you weren’t… spiraling,” he gestured into the air.
Buck felt a small smile spread across his face, and he huffed.
“Thanks… but, uh- I’m good.”
“You sure?” Eddie raised a disbelieving eyebrow, looking him up and down. “Cause you were avoiding me hardcore all day.”
“Hardcore, huh?” He chuckled, shaking his head.
“Yeah… so?”
“So?”
“So why were you avoiding me?”
Buck took a shaky breath. He had promised Tommy, and he was going to make good on it.
But… shit. This was harder then he thought it was gonna be. He opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out.
Eddie’s eyes widened when he saw the way Buck’s hand shook, and he moved over to him.
He put a hand on his shoulder and Buck shuddered.
There was something tender in Eddie’s eyes.
“Hey… What’s wrong Buck?” He asked gently, thumb pressing into his pulse point.
“I was avoiding you…” he forced out, “Because… of Saturday.”
“Saturday?” Eddie frowned in confusion.
“When you ran into me and Tommy.”
Eddie stared at him expectantly, and Buck would have laughed if his stomach wasn’t in knots. God, he really could be an idiot sometimes.
“Well… I never actually got those flying lessons,” Buck fumbled, trying to think of something better to say.
“Ok?”
“It- it was a date. I’m dating Tommy.”
Eddie’s eyes widened. He looked at him stunned.
Buck felt like he couldn’t breath, waiting on a razors edge for him to say something.
Then something softened in Eddie’s face, his expression turned fond and affectionate, and maybe a little… conflicted.
But he squeezed his shoulder, and Buck was finally able to breathe.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He asked, and it wasn’t accusing, but disappointed and gentle.
“I didn’t… I don’t know. This is kind of new for me, Eddie,” he chuckled breathlessly, hands hanging uselessly at his sides.
Eddie’s other hand came up to rest on his forearm and it sent a thrill through him.
“You know… this doesn’t change anything, right?” He asked softly, like a promise.
And he was right, this didn’t change anything. Buck wasn’t sure why that disappointed him.
But still, he couldn’t help but smile at Eddie, an immense feeling of relief washing over him.
He smiled at Eddie, and Eddie smiled back, and suddenly he was being pulled forward into a hug.
It wasn’t like last time, a rushed thing, where Eddie was pulling away before it really even started.
No, this one was soft and sure, Eddie’s hand on his back, Buck’s head falling to rest on his shoulder.
It felt right. Like coming home.
“Thanks for telling me,” Eddie mumbled over his shoulder, and if Buck could’ve looked, he would’ve seen that Eddie’s face had fallen, morphing into something unreadable.
But Buck didn’t see, he just leaned deeper into Eddie.
“Thanks for understanding.”
Tommy was surprised when Eddie texted him, but he guessed he really should have expected it.
It was short and simple, only a single sentence, but it got the point across just fine. It sounded like a warning and a promise.
“Take good care of him, ok?”