Chapter Text
I open my eyes, waking from another nightmare. How many times does this make?
Another life where I remember it all.
I think.
The thing is, we've had so many lives now, so many wasted chances that the lines between them start to blur for me. Realities from the past run together, seep into my dreams and invade my thoughts. When was the time you died when we were still kids? When was the life where we ended up as brothers? When was the one where you didn't even spare me a second glance?
When was the life where you died alone, because we were both too young and too stubborn for our own good?
Was that really the first one?
Some days I get so sick of waiting for you to show up, of hoping it'll be different this time around. But then I find you and I can't help myself. No matter if we fight, if we become friends, if you end up leaving me again, I keep repeating the same cycle over and over. All it takes is for me to see your eyes burning with anger or your smile as bright as the stars and I just want you to stay like that forever.
So unmistakably alive.
Maybe it's selfish that I still want to be part of your life. It should be enough, right? Knowing that you're alright somewhere out there? But my heart reminds me of the times we ended up so far apart we rarely talked and I get sickened by the thought of going through that again.
I shake my head to clear out those thoughts and force myself out of bed.
I have absolutely no motivation to step into the frigid New York weather today, but Christmas is drawing near and I still haven't bought any gifts for my family. If I try to skip the celebrations again Granny Erina will probably drag me out of my flat herself, old age and snowy weather be damned.
Thus, after wrapping myself in as much clothing as practically possible, I make my way to the nearest bus stop. At least I'm lucky there's a department store nearby.
The bus is overcrowded and warm and altogether too familiar. I remember how you'd stick almost impossibly close to me whenever the public transport got this bad. Thighs pressed together, arms entwined. Sometimes your head ended up on my shoulder when you fell asleep.
I run a hand down my face and inhale sharply.
Not this lifetime though.
I haven't found you yet.
I'm not that worried about it. There were lives where I only met you when we were over 40 years old. Once or twice we never even met at all.
I like to pretend those times didn't happen. Rather than tears and heartbreak, those only left an empty hole in my chest. It's a slow, sinking feeling that something is wrong, something is missing and it's just out of reach.
I prefer the pain over that.
It's busy as ever in the stores, but I manage to find acceptable gifts fairly easy. An old lady nearly ran me over with her cart and I think no less than four children ran head-first into me. All in all, it was a successful last-minute gift shopping trip.
Now if only this wouldn't require me to carry five separate bags at once.
Eager to get home, I jump on the first bus I see.
Unfortunately for me this happens to be the wrong bus. I only notice after three stops and start internally yelling at myself.
I get off at the next stop and check the roster. The next bus is in half an hour. Lovely. Just what I needed. More time spent in this cold.
If I just keep standing still until the bus arrives, I'll be frozen to the ground by the time it gets here, I figure, so I might as well look around.
This neighborhood seems very peaceful, I have to say. The Christmas decorations aren't overly tacky either. I spot a small café at the end of the street. Tempted by the smell of coffee and the prospect of no longer freezing my ass off out here, I enter.
As expected, it's pleasantly warm inside. I take off my hat and gloves and flex my fingers to get some circulation back. The prices on the sign are reasonable and they offer take-away as well, so I join the line in front of the register.
The waitress is kind of cute so I try flirting with her. She smiles indulgently but seems otherwise unimpressed, to be honest. My order is done before long and I'm out of the shop and back into the frosty winter wonderland in about five minutes. The warmth provided by the coffee does improve my mood somewhat though.
I've taken barely ten steps before I hear a voice call out that I forgot my hat.
I spin around, apology on my lips when-
"C-Caesar?"
It's barely there, nothing but a whisper of your name, but you hear it all the same. Your eyes widen and you freeze up. Your fingers clench my hat.
Shit, how am I going to explain this? Nobody would be happy to find out some weird guy they've never met before knows their name. I wreck my brain for possible excuses.
I don't notice you stepping closer, hesitant at first, until you throw your arms around my neck and try to squeeze the life out of me. I choke. Oh my God, are you trying to crush my lungs, you barbarian?! At least let a guy explain before skipping to murder attempts!
I start pushing at your chest and pulling at your arms, screeching threats of bodily harm when I hear you talking to me.
At least, I assume you're talking. I can barely make out words.
I sigh in defeat. Fine then. Despite the fact you still have me in a chokehold, I ask what's wrong.
I'm not sure if you understood my garbled question, but you soften your grip some so I can move my head more comfortably. I'm seriously starting to wonder if you've somehow managed to lose your wits completely this time.
At first, I think I must've misheard your reply. But then you repeat yourself, and again, and before I know it a litany of 'I'm so sorry', 'Please, remember me' and 'Joseph, Jojo, you're here' assaults my ears. Your babbling is incoherent and a distorted mess of English and Italian but I understand.
Oh God, do I understand.
You remember! I let out a laugh that sounds near hysterical. You remember, you actually remember this time! I wind my arms around your middle ―mindful of my coffee― and nuzzle closer into that death grip you call a hug. I start yelling back because do you have any idea how long you made me wait, you absolute bastard?
I don't know how long it takes, but eventually we quiet down. I'm pretty sure I missed my bus again. One of us should probably pull back, make the first move to talk, but I really don't want to let go.
"Jojo," you stammer after a while, "I....I'm..." The hand on the nape of my neck twitches, seemingly unable to decide if you should let go or hold on tighter. You move back enough so our foreheads touch.
My hand comes up to rest on the space between your neck and collarbone. For a moment, I revel in the soft rhythmic thumping underneath my palms. When my breathing evens out and I trust my voice again, I grin with more confidence than I actually have right now.
"Your next words will be, 'I missed you too, Jojo'."
I can feel the lingering tears in my eyes, so it's probably not very convincing. But it's a start.
You let out something that sounds halfway between a laugh and a sob then, and before I can huff about how this is no laughing matter, you kiss me.
Your lips just barely brush over mine for a moment, breath hitching slightly before pressing into me firmer, sliding closer, closer, until the distance between us is reduced to nothing. You make no move to deepen the kiss itself, just letting it go on like this. It's soft and soothing.
It's everything I wished for.
I feel fingers tracing my face, caressing through my hair, down my neck, over my jaw, until they come to a halt on my chest.
I wonder if you can feel how fast my heart is beating.
Maybe that's exactly why you hold your hands there, as close to the pulsing proof that I'm alive as you can reach. I recall dark and stormy nights lifetimes ago where I did the same.
Eventually we part, needing to draw air. Your body is shaking and for a split second I'm afraid I've somehow managed to make you cry and oh dear God what did I do.
You move back further and I realize you're laughing, cheeks bright red and hair messed up beyond belief. The knuckles of your right hand tap against my temple just enough to sting.
"Yeah," you say, lips stretched into a wide smile.
"I missed you too, Jojo."