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Skwisgaar awoke that morning as hard as as a rock. He groaned in discomfort as he crossed his legs, trying to conceal his boner from the person he thought was still asleep next to him. He slowly blinked the sleep away from his eyes as he woke up more, and was met with an empty space beside him.
“Heuggh…” The Swede grumbled as he patted the space lazily, “Tokis…?” He soon realized that his rhythm guitarist was, in fact, gone. Skwisgaar suspected the other man had already gotten ready for the day and was eating his breakfast while tinkering with his models, as he was apt to do on the mornings when he beat the band to the kitchen. In Toki’s absence, Skwisgaar took it upon himself to get out of bed and head for the bathroom, aiming to take care of his problem.
“Fuckins Toki,” he mumbled as he splashed water on his face after the deed was done, “I’ms fuckins hornys and can’ts gets no groupie sluts to help cause he ams here all de times!” He shut the water and dried his face before looking into the mirror. He scrutinized his reflection, feeling not only guilty, but downright uncomfortable with what he had just said. “Euugh, yous de reasons whats why he ams sleepins here every nights, and you knows it,” He said to his reflection. The guitarists’ routine of sleeping together in Swkisgaar’s bed was going strong, and only seemed to become more regular in the days since the blond’s diagnosis. They both slept soundly each night, something Skwisgaar was thankful for after the endless bombardment of issues the two had been subjected to since Toki’s capture. In all actuality, Skwisgaar truly appreciated Toki’s presence in his bed every evening, especially as of late. The younger Scandinavian continued to pull through for Skwisgaar, and accepted everything about him that came his way, despite the fact that it was only just shy of three months since his rescue.
The thoughts made Skwisgaar’s face warm with an emotion he couldn’t place, and he shook his head as he made his way for the shower.
“Auggh, I don’ts got times for dis!” He grumbled as he stepped into the warm spray. “Maybes I gets a groupies laters when he amen’ts in de room.” He sighed, knowing that, too, was a lie.
~*~
“Well look who finally deschided to schow up!” Was Murderface’s first quip of the day as Skwisgaar dragged his way through the kitchen doors. The minute energy he’d gotten from his shower was waning quickly, and he wanted nothing more than to drown himself in a cup of coffee at that moment.
“Eughhh,” Was all the blond could manage in response as he plodded across the tile to retrieve his mug. Pickles piped in from next to Murderface,
“Yeah, dood, what the fack? Ah’ve been wakin’ up even earlier den you laytley!” He laughed as he took a sip of his coffee, finding the situation rather amusing. Nathan lowered his paper to take his turn to chime in,
“Been up all night with the ladies, huh?” He, too, paused to take a swig of his coffee, “How many this time?” The vocalist’s questions went unanswered as Skwisgaar acquired his mug and made his way for the coffee pot.
“Shuts up, alreadys,” Skwisgaar grumbled under his breath as he started to pour the coffee. It took him a few seconds to realize that nothing was coming from the spout, and looked down to his empty mug in irritated dismay.
“The fucks happensed to all de coffees?!” He shouted with a new found energy as he swung around to face the rest of the band. Murderface took a long, exaggerated sip from his mug, and leaned back with a contented sigh,
“That’sch what you get for schowing up late, dildo! Unlike more punctschual people, heh, like myschelf!” Skwisgaar stomped over to the table, ignoring Murderface in favor of addressing the other members,
“Well, somebodies betters come withs me to gets some if we ams all outs!” His pleas were met with a staggered silence, before Pickles retorted,
“Nah, Ah’m good here.”
“Yeah. Sucks to be you,” Nathan growled as he focused again on his newspaper.
“Waits, you wants to go out and gets coffee, Skwisgaar?” Toki suddenly asked as he lowered the model he had been concentrating on up until that point, “Can I comes with? I gots to run some errands anyways!” Skwisgaar sneered in his fellow guitarist’s direction,
“Ja, whatevers! Just hurries up or I’ms leavins without yas!” He crossed his arms impatiently as Toki scrambled to clean his space. The youngest member somehow managed to balance all of his supplies and model in his arms before dashing past Skwisgaar,
“Holds on! I’ll bes right back, don’t leaves without ol’ Toki!” he shouted as he disappeared out of the kitchen.
“Wow, way to be a dick, Schkwischgaar, geez,” Murderface jabbed as he stuffed his face full of a cinnamon bun, “Th’ fuff crulled uff yer asch?” He sprayed crumbs onto Nathan in the process, who snarled and shot him a chilling glare.
“Yeah, not his fault yer cranky from skrewin’ all night, heh,” Pickles laughed. Skwisgaar grumbled and made his way to the door,
“Ahh, skrews you all off!” He turned to glower at them, “I didnts even fuck no sluts, all rights? I just needs my fuckins coffee!” He disappeared out the door, making sure to slam it for extra effect. A silence followed in his wake, before the three remaining men turned to look at each other,
“The fack does that mean? Naht skrewing sluts? Did I hear dat right?”
~*~
“Oh, comes on, Tokis! De hobby shops can waits! My brain can’ts!” Skwisgaar complained as he hastily flew down the highway in Dethklok’s SUV. Toki huffed beside him,
“No ways, Skwisgaar! Last time I wents with yous for coffee, de shops closed and you didn’ts wants to drive to another ones!”
“Ja, cause its was likes an hours away!”
“I bes quick, I promise! And I buys you coffee!” He placed his hands together in a pleading gesture, “Please, Skwisgaar?” The older man side-eyed him narrowly,
“Tokis, I really needs,” He was cut off by the image of Toki pouting with begging eyes in his peripheral, and sighed heavily, “Fines, but dis betters be quick.” Toki yelped in delight as they pulled into the small shopping center. Full of excitement, Toki dashed from the car and into the shop, with Skwisgaar shuffling behind. He shivered and huddled into his thick parka as the brisk december breeze whipped around him, and sluggishly followed the other into the store.
Toki was already out of eyeshot by the time Skwisgaar was inside, but it didn’t take long for him to catch sight of the other’s brunet head bobbing up and down the aisles. The blond set about to catch up to him, but found himself having to weave and duck to avoid the various models and crafts that hung on display from the low ceilings. He narrowly evaded a wing to the eye as he finally approached Toki,
“What ams you doings in dis closets anyway? It’s like dis place ams tryins to poke my fuckins eye outs!” Toki placed some tubes of paint into his quickly filling basket and continued down the aisle of products,
“I knows, amen’ts it great?” He grinned as he eyed something on a shelf and grabbed it with enthusiasm, “Dey gots everythings I needs!”
“Why don’ts you just buys dis stuff onlines?” Toki turned to Skwisgaar with an eyebrow raised in skeptical bewilderment,
“Internets? Skwisgaar, you can’ts get dis stuff on de internets!” He shook his head as if what he was saying was the most obvious thing in the world, before rounding the corner to another section of the store, “Plus, it way more funs dis way! Likes an adventures!” Skwisgaar rolled his eyes,
“Pfft, typical Tokis. Tinking de most dildos things ams fun!” Toki elbowed the lead guitarist,
“Lightens up, Skwisgaar! You gots to learns to find funs in de simple stuff!” He opened his arms to gesture to the space around him, “Just looks around! I bets you finds sometings you likes!” Skwisgaar crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow judgmentally at the train that hung just above his nose,
“I would likes to gets my coffees, dats what I would likes, pff!” His comment fell on deaf ears, however, as Toki had already disappeared down another aisle. Skwisgaar could hear his fellow Scandinavian making a cacophony of delighted noises over his findings, and decided to take Toki up on his advice to wander around the store instead of subjecting himself to the oration of model jargon that he wouldn’t understand.
“What does he sees in dese crapsy toys anyhows?” He scoffed as he eyed the various products up and down, “Deys a waste of times, you can’ts even dos nothins with dems!” He continued to idly peruse the goods, passing by the model kits, paints, and other crafts with mild indifference. He was about to abandon his search and return to Toki with the intent of urging him along, until something caught his eye,
“...What ams dis?” Skwisgaar paused in front of a large display full of a variety of small figurines. They ranged from dragons to elves, to warriors, animals, dwarves, and all sorts of other creatures. The blond turned in full to face the figures, and began to paw through them with curiosity. He was particularly drawn to the dragons, picking them up to admire them with closer inspection, before sectioning them off on the shelf in order of his favorites to least favorites. He was mumbling things to himself as he contemplated one when Toki found him minutes later,
“Skwisgaar? What’s you doins over here?” Toki questioned as he heaved his heavy basket to the ground. Skwisgaar’s attention lingered on the particularly large, multi-headed dragon he was holding before answering,
“I founds dese tings…,” He turned his body to face Toki, but kept his eyes on the figure, “Does you knows what dey ams?” Toki looked at the dragon, and then to the shelves, where he noticed Skwisgaar’s curious reorganization. He raised his brows at the sight and smiled,
“Oh! Dems called miniatures!” He reached for a rabbit creature as he spoke, “Ja, I thinks theys for table tops games or some shits.” Skwisgaar now finally tore his eyes away from the dragon as he shot Toki a brief inquisitive look,
“Tables tops?” Toki nodded,
“Yeahs, likes Dungeons and Dragons and stuffs. I don’ts play dems, but I knows you buy dese guys and paint dem so you can use dems in the games or whatevers.”
“Dragons? Dere’s a games about dragons?” Skwisgaar’s usually monotone voice raised ever so slightly in wonder as he finally made full eye contact with the rhythm guitarist. Toki let out a wheezy laugh,
“Yous never heards about dat game?” Skwisgaar shook his head, “Yous would loves it, Skwisgaar! Cause you loves de fantasys and dat kinds of stuffs, right?” Skwisgaar’s gaze remained fixed on Toki, which both surprised and amused the younger man,
“Ja, I does. Cans we plays dis Dungeon and Dragons thing?” Toki grinned at the taller man’s enthusiasm, and placed the rabbit figure he was holding into his basket, before grabbing the dragon Skwisgaar had placed in his top tier of creatures, and placing that into his basket too.
“Yeahs! We can learns togethers! I gots some paints we can use on dese! Maybes we can even gets de other guys into dis!” Skwisgaar’s even expression turned up into a small smile,
“Dats would be nice, Tokis.” Toki’s grin only widened, and the two guitarists made their way to the cashier to purchase their findings. An elderly woman about half the size of the Scandinavians manned the register, and beamed when she noticed Toki approaching her,
“Oh, Little Toki! I was wondering when I’d finally see you again!” She began to ring up the contents of the basket as Skwisgaar stifled a chuckle, finding it amusing that the small woman shared his favorite nickname for the other man. Toki smiled politely,
“Nice to see yous too, Ethels!”
“What model are you working on this time, honey?”
“I’ms tryins a submarines dis times!” He laughed sheepishly as he placed his hands in his back pockets, “I tinks I alreadys gone throughs all de planes you haves, anyhows.”
“Ja, you does have too manys planes, Tokis!” Skwisgaar quipped with a smirk. Toki elbowed him playfully,
“Ah, shuts up, Skiwsgaar! Can’ts haves too many planes!” Ethel looked up at the two, only now noticing the blond standing beside Toki,
“Oohh, and who’s this now?” She ogled, taking a good look up and down the Swede, “Is this your girlfriend?” Toki was caught off guard, and stammered to say something, but was cut off by Ethel, who rattled on enthusiastically, “Oh, just look at how tall she is, and that gorgeous blond hair! How lucky you are! What’s your name, sweetie?” Toki’s eyes went wide, and flew between the elderly woman and Skwisgaar, holding back gallons of laughter that threatened to burst from his lips as he waited to see what the blond would say. Skwisgaar blinked slowly as he processed the woman’s words, before flashing a gallant smile, and instinctively taking her hand and kissing it,
“Takk, Ethels. My names am Skwisgaar Skwigelf, but yous look absolutesklys more lovelys den me!” Toki’s amusement quickly turned to embarrassment as he held his face in his hands and looked away from them, not wanting to see how the situation was bound to unfold. Ethel chuckled as she blushed and waved him off,
“Oh my, dear, you don’t have to charm an old lady like myself!” She continued to laugh to herself as she rung up the rest of their items, “What are you, one of those bisexuals?” Skwisgaar’s smile only broadened,
“Ja, guiltys as charged,” Toki removed his hand from his face and eyed his bandmate in disbelief, but this went unnoticed by Skwisgaar, “And nots tryings to charms, ma’ams, just likes to see a prettys lady smiles!” Ethel only giggled more,
“You flatter me too much, honey!” She then turned her attention back to Toki, “That’ll be $114.99, Little Toki.” The brunet found himself caught off guard again, and floundered for his wallet. The guitarists paid and gathered their purchases before Ethel wished them luck and bid her goodbyes.
As soon as they were back out in the cold winter air, Toki huffed loudly in irritation. Skwisgaar turned to him with a raised eyebrow and a crooked smile,
“De fucks your problems?” He snickered, “Whats, did yous friend Ethels embarrass you, Littles Toki?” He stretched out the other’s nickname, having found the whole debacle rather hilarious. Toki rolled his eyes,
“Dids you have to hits on her? If you fucks her, I can't goes backs to dat place!” Skwisgaar’s amusement quickly faded to annoyance as he responded,
“Why de fucks does everybodies tinks I’m skrewins de whole worlds today, eh? I was just beings polites, Tokis!” The brunet squinted dubiously at him,
“Yous expects me to believes dat? Skwisgaar, yous de biggest lotharios around, you kinds of always skrewins de whole worlds.” Skwisgaar threw his arms up into the air in exasperation,
“Well, I amen’ts! Woulds you just gets off my backs?” Toki pursed his lips for a moment, contemplating Skwisgaar's strange words and attitude. He then shrugged and walked past his the other, heading down the row of shops,
“Whatevers you says, Skwisgaar, whatevers you says.” Skwisgaar glowered at him, but said nothing in response. The two kept on in silence, nearing the coffee shop. Skwisgaar could practically smell the fresh roast when Toki stopped short and gasped in delight,
“OHS! It’s dat shops!” He grabbed Skwisgaar’s arm and pointed at the small store like a child, “Cans we go ins? Reals quick, Skwisgaar? Please?” He continued to point, and was practically bouncing with excitement. Skwisgaar grumbled in irritation as he turned to look at what got his rhythm guitarist so up in arms. The sight he settled on was so full of color, he almost got dizzy. The window was filled to the brim with homemade goods, mainly knitted commodities that reminded him of the things sold near his old home back in Sweden. A tower of handmade animal hats sat proudly in the window, front and center, and it didn't take long for him to figure out what Toki wanted to go in for so badly.
“Ugh, reallys, Toki? Dis place?” Toki pouted with pleading eyes,
“I wont’s be longs, just wants to looks at de hats, I promise! Pleeaasse?” Skwisgaar crossed his arms defiantly,
“Dats what you says about de hobby shops, and we was in dere for likes thirty minutes!” He sneered at the display window, “Plus, this place amen’ts brutals, Toki.” Toki's expression fell, and his hand slipped off of Skwisgaar’s shoulder dejectedly. He sighed wistfully as he put his hands in his coat pockets,
“Yeahs...dats what de guys say everytimes we comes over dis way. Haven’ts been able to goes in at all, nots even once…,” Toki sighed again in a dramatic fashion. Skwisgaar’s eyes went rolling at the scene, knowing full well that Toki was playing up the theatrics to get what he wanted. He was more than ready to dismiss any and all attempts Toki had planned in order to get his way, but made the mistake of looking at the other's drawn face. His chest tightened, and felt a second wave of guilt wash over him. After all the the younger man had been through, Skwisgaar thought, he deserved to never have that look on his face, and Skwisgaar felt ashamed that he had just put it there. He motioned toward the shop with a grunt,
“Eugghh...fines. Goes ahead.” Toki visibly perked up, looking to Skwisgaar with a mixture of surprise and affection that had Skwisgaar’s cheeks tingling in a manner he couldn’t understand,
“Reallys? Oh, wowee! Takk, Skwisgaar!” The brunet left his fellow guitarist no time to respond as he made a beeline for the store, throwing the door open and disappearing inside with even more enthusiasm than he had at the hobby shop. Skwisgaar caught himself smiling, and a small chortle escaped his lips at his friend’s antics as he followed the other in.
The tall Swede expected to find the other at the tower of animal hats, but he was at first nowhere to be found. He wandered the shop looking for him, taking note of the abundance of stuffed animals, sweaters, scarves, and other such goods that filled its walls. For any other reason, he would be as far away from the store as possible, but as he rounded a corner and caught sight of the broad grin spread across Toki’s face, it felt worth it.
“A wolf? Toki, dere’s like a millions billions cats up dere,” He commented with a raised brow as he looked at the extended selection of animal hats. Toki lowered the wolf hat he was contemplating and turned to face the other with eyes that were practically shining,
“I knows, but I was lookings for yous, Skwisgaar!” He presented the animal to the blond with an expectant smile, “Cause you like wo-le-ves!”
There was that twinge in his chest again. He ignored it and gently pushed the hat away,
“Uh, nos, Tokis. Takk, doh.” Toki looked back at him almost pitifully,
“You knows, Skwisgaar, you don’ts gots to be brutals all de times. Especially arounds me.” He smiled as he tried to hand the hat over again, “Come ons, it’lls be fun! I gets one too and dens we match!”
“Nos, Toki, it amen’ts dat. I just don’ts likes dems, ain’ts got nothins to do wif being brutals.” Toki pursed his lips as he drew the hat away,
“Whys? Dere sometins else wrongs with dems?” Skwisgaar shrugged slightly,
“Euhh..it’s de textures, you know. Too fuzzys and scratchys, makes my heads feel dry.” Toki’s face, curiously, lit up at this information,
“Oh! Ams dat an autisms thing?” Skwisgaar was silent for a moment and stared perplexedly at Toki, making him start to panic that what he had said was entirely inappropriate. He stammered, “I means, I was justs researchings it afters you gots de diagnosis, cause I wanteds to make sures I didn’ts treats you wrongs or nothins, and I cames across de textures thing and-”
“Tokis, Toki!” Skwisgaar interjected, shutting the other up before he worked himself into a frenzy, “Calms down, ams fine dats you asked.” He shrugged again, “Just surprised you saids dat, dats all. But, ja, ams an autisms ting. Talked to Twinkletits again de other day, learneds some more stuffs. Figureds out dats de reasons I only wears sleeveskless shirts, too.” He made brief eye contact with Toki as he continued, “Yous...was researchinks it?” Toki started rubbing the hat nervously between his hands, and Skwisgaar could tell he was still worried he’d done something wrong,
“Ja, I wants to knows more abouts it. Yous supports me with my PTSDs, sos I figureds I supports you with de autisms.” He met Skwisgaar’s gaze, “Ams...dat okay?” Skwisgaar blinked slowly with his full lips parted ever so slightly, as he was apt to do when processing information. He then smiled,
“Of course, Tokis. Dat...actually means a lots. To mes.” Toki visibly relaxed, and his smile returned to match Skwisgaar’s.
“Cans I asks another questions den?”
“Ja, you can asks anytings. I trusts yous.” Toki’s grin widened, and he gestured to Skwisgaar’s body, which was padded thickly with many layers of insulating clothing,
“I also reads dat you coulds be extra sensitives to temperatures too, and yous always wear a lots more den de other guys do in de winters. Ams dat why?” Skwisgaar looked down at himself, taking note of his densely-clad body as compared to Toki, who was wearing a considerably lighter jacket that he only put on in the first place because Abigail wouldn’t let him out of Mordhaus until he did.
“Coulds be, I never likes de cold too much, you know? Evens in Swedens. Amen’ts sure if it definitesklys an autisms ting, doh.” Toki nodded as he placed the wolf back on its shelf before reaching for a cat,
“Yeahs, you amen’ts like mes, I loves de cold!” He laughed while grabbing a shark hat to compare, and flashed a grin over his shoulder, “Glads you likes talkins about dis with mes, Skwisgaar. I wants to learn alls I can!” He then turned back to his hat deliberation, leaving Skwisgaar feeling odd. He felt a mixture of airy and queasy, and was completely at a loss as to why his body persisted on feeling strangely.
“The fucks withs me todays?” He said under his breath. His speculations were cut short, however, as a rather audible grumble erupted from his stomach. The Swede held his aching midsection as Toki turned around,
“Was dats yous stomachs?” Skwisgaar nodded and Toki let out a wheezy laugh, “Dat soundeds likes Nathans! Hah!”
“Verys funnys, Toki,” He mumbled as he rubbed it, “Ja, I guess I forgots I didn’ts has breakfast!” Toki gritted his teeth,
“Oh fucks, I forgots too! I’m sorrys, Skwisgaar, I didnt’s means to takes so longs! I lost tracks of times!” He looked frantically between the two hats in his hands, “I’ll hurrys ups, hold on!” Skwisgaar rolled his eyes,
“Tokis, gets de cats, alreadys. You don’ts gots to try and be brutals wif de sharks, it ams okay.” The brunet looked first to Skwisgaar, then to the hats before putting the shark back and motioning for the cashier,
“Okays, I does dat!” He chuckled, “Lets gets yous fed, you sounds like a starvings horse!” Toki then made his way to the front of the store, leaving Skwisgaar to follow along behind. He told himself that the strange feelings he’d been having all day must have been the hunger and lack of coffee, never having been known to skip either morning essential.
But, no. That didn’t sit right with him either.
~*~
Toki’s comment about Skwisgaar being a starved horse proved to be true as he watched the blond devour bite after bite of his sandwich like he hadn’t eaten in weeks. Another sandwich and a sea of pastries sat waiting around him, along with the biggest size of black coffee the establishment offered. Toki snatched a chocolate pastry before Skwisgaar could inhale it, and began to nibble it,
“Youf toof youf infuinfs, ah?” Skwisgaar spat through mouthfuls of food. Toki blinked,
“Uh, cares to says dat agains? I couldn’ts understands yous through de fuckins sandwich.” Skwisgaar swallowed and repeated,
“I says, dids you takes yous insulins?” He eyed the pastry and then Toki, “Yous havins a lots of chocolates, Tokis.” The brunet rolled his eyes,
“Of course! I knows how to takes cares of myselfs, Skwisgaar! Plus, I amen’ts even having dat much chocolates.” He took a sip from his beverage, and Skwisgaar laughed,
“Pfft, you says as you drinks hot chocolates!” Toki glared at him,
“Shuts up! It’s coffee, dildos!” Skwisgaar shook his head and smirked as he prepared to take another bite of his lunch,
“Sures, Tokis, whatevers you says.” Toki huffed and sat back with crossed arms, and Skwisgaar nearly choked from laughter at the childish sight. Toki’s attempt at drama was quickly dissolved as he couldn’t help but fall into an easy mirth with the other.
“Sure ams nice to gets out of de haus,” Toki said as their chuckles quieted. “Kindsa gets stuffy in dere sometimes.” Skwisgaar leaned back in his chair, taking a break before he tackled the rest of his meal,
“Ja, I knows what you means. Everytings gets so loud.” Toki nodded, and they sat in a comfortable silence for a few moments. Toki dawdled with the pompoms on his new hat, which he’d been quite prompt in putting on as soon as he bought it. Skwisgaar shut his eyes and leaned back, stretching his long legs out as far as they could go without kicking Toki in the shins. The two breathed easy in their shared quietness, something they got quite seldomly back in the confining walls of Mordhaus.
“Hey, Skwisgaar,” Toki said after some time. Skwisgaar opened his eyes in acknowledgement, and the brunet continued, “Can I asks somethings? Nots about de autisms dis times.” Skwisgaar leaned forward again and took his coffee,
“Whats with yous and de twentys questions today?” Skwisgaar snorted and took a sip, “Ja, goes aheads.”
“Befores, you tolds Ethels you was bisexuals.”
“Ands? Pfft, you knows dat betters den anyones, Toki. Plus, dat amen’ts a quesitons.”
“I’ms gettings to dat!” Toki exclaimed, exasperated at the other’s commentary. He pulled at his pompom again, “Just, yous never beens open abouts dat before. Whys now? Since when did yous comes out?” Skwisgaar’s gaze flitted to meet Toki’s briefly before staring intently at the coffee cup in his hands,
“I just don’ts tinks it ams sometings dat needs to be a secrets anymores. Dats alls.” Toki circled his finger around the lid of his cup,
“Does dat means yous comins out to de bands?”
“Nos, dat...dats I lets dems figures out.” He shrugged, “Plus, I’s left hints befores and dey never picks up on dem, so dats dere loss!” Toki giggled softly,
“Dats never goings to happen, dey never figureds out we was fuckings before and dey haven’t figureds out we’s sleepin togethers every night!”
“Ja, dems real stupid dildos sometimes,” Skwisgaar chortled his deep, throaty laugh, “Bets you it takes dems a millions billions years to finds dat outs!” Toki wheezed,
“I-I bets Moidasface comes out before deys ever realize!” Skwisgaar devolved into a fit of laughter at that comment, and Toki fell right along with him. After the pair quieted down, Skwisgaar began tearing away at a muffin that sat on the table, having found more room to continue his feast. Toki took a moment to check his FaceFriends account, grinning and laughing intermittently as he scrolled through his feed, and commenting about his findings to Skwisgaar every so often. Skwisgaar soon found himself watching Toki as he did this, only half listening to what was coming out of the younger man's mouth.
Toki’s appearance had improved significantly in the past few weeks, he noted. The bags under his eyes had nearly completely erased and his cheeks sported their usual fullness again. He hadn’t seen a single tear fall from the other’s eyes since their cathartic night in his bedroom, and instead saw the familiar crow’s feet that bordered Toki’s eyes more and more every day. His Toki was finally, truly back, safe and sound.
Skwisgaar stopped mid-chew. His Toki? Is that what he just thought? His? He stared at Toki’s chest as he desperately tried to understand what was going through his head. Toki continued to clamor on, until he noticed Skwisgaar had zoned out, and gently shook his arm with a laugh,
“Skwisgaar, didn’ts you hears what I saids? Everybodys liked de status updates I mades about today!” Toki’s words fell on deaf ears, however, as every ounce of Skwisgaar’s attention snapped to the hand that rested on his arm. He felt his cheeks tingle and his chest tighten, and every other strange feeling he’d felt throughout that day came back at full force. His attention darted then to their proximity; the two occupied a small, intimate table at the café, reasonably separated from the rest of the occupants. He then noticed the way those patrons were looking at them: knowing, giggling, smiling.
His mind set ablaze as the events of the day replayed in his head like a bad romcom,
The figurines.
The hats.
The guilt.
Ethel.
The-
“Uh-ohs,” Toki chuckled, “Looks like I broke Skwisgaar! He ams just staresing at me!” The smaller man then noticed the crumbs stuck to Skwisgaar’s slightly agape mouth, “Oh, waits, you gots crumbs on your face! Lets me wipes dem off!” Toki’s gentle touch on his cheek sent Skwisgaar’s attention hurdling back to the present, and his face began to smolder.
“Tokis?” He croaked as his eyes wavered once again on the rhythm guitarist’s chest.
“Yeahs, Skwisgaar?” Skwisgaar’s eyes now made direct contact with Toki’s,
“Ams we...ams we ons a dates?”
The table went silent. Toki’s jaw dropped ever so slightly as he processed the words his bandmate just spoke. His cheeks gradually grew warmer in color until they were practically the hue of the red cups they were holding, and he squeaked,
“I don’ts know! Am...ams we?” He shrank in on himself as he pawed nervously at his pompoms yet again, and continued in a small voice, “Does you...wants it to be?” Skwisgaar froze and his mouth fell open, completely thrown off by Toki's response. His eyes darted around, looking for anything that could help give him an answer to that question, but found nothing. Did he want it to be? He felt dizzy and confused, wishing he’d never blurted his question.
“I don’ts knows!” Toki could only stare at him with eyes as wide as saucers as the table once again fell quiet, and Skwisgaar went into full panic mode. In lieu of his guitar, he grabbed the muffin he had abandoned and stuffed it urgently into his mouth, looking for anything to distract himself from the stimulation bombarding his mind and body.
“Fuff ifs, Tohis, nefer mins!” He swallowed too much of the pastry, and his throat ached as the food crawled down. He immediately grabbed a cookie in order to devour that, too, “Just forgets I says anytings, whats was you talkins about?” He bit into the treat and chewed viciously, “Youf safs you posef de safus ufdatef?” Toki opened his mouth, trying to think of a way to respond, but Skwisgaar interrupted before he could even make a sound,
“Nows you not even saysing anytings to mes! I justs noticed todays was weirds, okays? I nevers been on a fuckins dates before, ands,” He clenched his fists and tore his eyes away from Toki “Ah fucks it, nevers minds!” He then shoved the rest of the cookie in his mouth and stared anxiously at an indistinct spot in the middle of the table.
By the time Toki finally found the wherewithal to speak, Skwisgaar was already reaching for another pastry. Toki swiftly grabbed his wrist to stop him, and met the other’s startled eyes with concern,
“Skwisgaar! Stops dis, yous startings to stress eats!” He lowered Skwisgaar’s hand to the table and gently placed his own on top of the other’s. He forced the strongest smile he could muster, “Looks, we should gets back to de haus. We amen’ts gonna figure none a dis out here, and yous just gonna makes yourself sick withouts your guitars.” Skwisgaar nodded slowly as he stared vacantly at their hands, only now becoming aware of how uncomfortable his overfull stomach felt. Wordlessly, the two cleaned their table and left the café.
The majority of the drive home was spent in a blaring hush. Skwisgaar was grateful he had the road to concentrate on, but couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt that he’d left his rhythm guitarist on edge. His eyes flickered to the brunet beside him to see that his focus was glued to the window, either unable or unwilling to show his face to Skwisgaar. He turned his attention back to the road as the shame welled in his throat like bile, burning him to the core. Once again, he didn’t know what he wanted, and his bandmate was suffering from his indecision.
His hands clenched the steering wheel. He may have not known what he wanted, but he at least knew what he was feeling, and Toki deserved to know that much.
“Tokis, I, uh…” He started, grabbing the other’s attention. He looked briefly over at Toki, who turned to face him with an expression Skwisgaar couldn’t read. He continued to stare the road down, and spoke as evenly as he could, “Whatevers...todays was, if it was a dates or nots…I, uh, enjoyeds it. A lots.” He felt himself gain traction as he spoke, and finally felt sure of himself in what he was saying. Toki’s lips turned up into a soft smile, and Skwisgaar could have sworn he saw a look of relief on the younger man’s face,
“Mes too, Skwisgaar. Dats was de most funs I’s had in a long time.” Skwisgaar’s expression relaxed to match Toki’s as the brunet rested a hand on the taller man’s shoulder. Skwisgaar again felt that strange fluttering in his chest, and for the first time that day, he welcomed it without question.
~*~
Toki was never particularly good at hiding his emotions; in fact, he was downright terrible at it. It didn't help that he had no idea what to feel either, jumping between being over the moon, scared, confused, and nauseous at the drop of a hat. He had to use every ounce of brainpower in him to keep a straight face as the two walked into Mordhaus that afternoon, and he desperately wished in that moment that he could hold as even a façade as Skwisgaar seemed to be able to.
He handed off his purchases to a klokateer as Skwisgaar, unsurprisingly, disappeared to his room, likely to retrieve his much needed Thunderhorse. Toki hoped he could escape from the rest of the band and also find some solitude, but it was clear he wasn’t going to get that as Nathan’s growling voice pierced the walls of the haus,
“Toki! Skwisgaar! We’re watching TV in the hot tub!”
“Yeah! Get yer asses over here ahlready!”
“Come on, dildosch! You’re misching the hot air balloon schow!”
“You can’t miss the hot air balloon show. You just can’t. Hurry up!” The three continued to clamor on loudly as Toki shuddered, trying to gather the resolve to face his bandmates without acting like a complete dildo.
“Yeahs, I’m commins! Holds on, pals!”
Minutes later and stripped of his clothes, Toki arrived in the living room and stepped into the hot tub where the others waited. The warm water was definitely a relief to his chilled body, and it seemed to take the edge off of his nerves, at least a little bit. He reached for the bottle of beer that waited for him, hoping the booze would also aid in dulling his mind.
“Where’s Skwisgaar? He loves hot tub time, what the fuck?” Nathan grunted as he looked around for the absent guitarist.
“I tinks he ams just gettins him’s guitars. He should bes here soons.”
“You guys were gahn fer hours! I thaht you were just gehttin caffee!” Pickles jived, “What gives?” Toki was about to respond, until Murderface cut in with his own remarks,
“What, were you on a fuckin’ date or schomething? Being homosch together?” Nathan and Pickles chuckled at the bassist’s usual humor, but his comment instilled a panic in Toki. His voice raised an octave as he tried to dispel that line of thinking before it developed any further,
“S-shuts up, Murdersface! We was just-”
“Oh, hey, there’s Skwisgaar! Hey! Skwisgaar! Hurry up!” Nathan interrupted as the blond finally made an appearance. All attention turned away from Toki and onto the other, and he blessed the vocalist’s notorious short attention span for sparing him in that moment. He also turned his focus to Skwisgaar, who was in the middle of discarding his towel in preparation to join them in the tub. As Skwisgaar plodded his way over, beer in one hand and guitar in the other, Toki found himself staring.
He couldn’t remember the last time he really looked at Skwisgaar, but he felt like something was different since the last time he did. He lost himself in tracing the curving contours of the taller man’s body, idling when he reached the other’s midsection. He’d always loved that shapely ass and pudgy stomach; in fact, it was his favorite part to grab and grope back when they would have sex. Nothing about the Swede had changed, that much he knew, but the flutters Toki felt in his stomach certainly weren’t sexual this time.
As Skwisgaar took his place in the tub next to Toki, the younger man sank into the water, and prayed that the beer and hot temperatures would be enough to explain away the blush he felt scorching his cheeks.
“Heeey, Skwisgaar! We were just askin’ Toki about why you guys took so lahng gettin caffee!”
“Heughh?” Skwisgaar breathed absentmindedly, already much more concentrated on his strumming than on his friends, “Whats about it?”
“You guys were gone for like, three fucking hours. What were you doing all day?” Nathan prodded.
“We’s uuuhh...just...runnings...errands. You knows.” He continued to slide his fingers across the frets, and it was obvious to everyone that he was either too absorbed in his guitar to talk, or simply didn’t care to.
“Yeah, okay, but what errands take ahll afternoon, dood?” Toki, though wishing he didn’t have to be the one to keep his cool and do the talking, took the pressure off of Skwisgaar as he answered the redhead,
“I just shows him de hobbys shop I goes to for my models and we ams gots lost tracks of time!” He shrugged, “He liked de Dungeons and Dragons stuff so we buys dem and dens goes to de hat shops you guys never lets me goes to!”
“Well, yeah, Toki. Cause it’s totally lame.” Toki pursed his lips at the frontman,
“Wells too bads, I wents in and gots a reals cool cats hat!” His mouth turned up into a small smile as he continued to speak about the day, “Dens we gets coffee and chills, and Skwisgaar ate likes a fuckins starved horse! Oh, and de lady at the hobbys shops thought Skwisgaar was a goils!” Murderface snorted and crossed his arms,
“Schounds like a date to me…” Skwisgaar, who was paying enough attention to catch this remark, glowered at the bassist while Toki landed a punch on his shoulder. “Ooowww! What the fuck wasch that for?!” The guitarists bristled at him in unison,
“Shuts up, Moidasface!” Murderface rubbed his arm as he glared at the two, while Nathan and Pickles exchanged a curious glance, but remained silent.
After that minor debacle, the band’s shenanigans fell into their usual manner for the rest of the evening until after dinner, when, one by one, they retired to their own devices. Once Pickles and Nathan were the last ones left in the living room, the drummer jumped on Nathan with words that had been burning at his lips all night,
“Okay, what the fuck was dat about tonight?”
“You noticed that too? Cause, what the fuck was actually up with them?”
“Ah’m tellin’ you, Natn, there’s sometin’ goin’ ahn between dose two.”
“I dunno, Pickles. They’ve always been, I dunno. Kinda...you know. Weird and shit. Together.”
“I know, they’ve ahlways been a little gay, but you gatta admit, this was different.” He smirked, “Ah’m willin’ to bet you, right here, right now, dat dey're fucking.” The larger man grimaced,
“Eugh. Seriously?
“Come ahn, just five bucks, Natn.” Nathan eyed Pickles’ outstretched hand before growling in acknowledgment and reaching to shake it,
“Whatever. Fine, you’re on. But I think they’re just being weird dildos as usual.”
~*~
Skwisgaar laid back on the fuzzy white bed as his fingers roamed the Thunderhorse, having not put it down since he returned to Mordhaus that afternoon. He stared blankly at his ceiling, so lost in his strumming that he almost didn’t notice the door open and Toki walk through the threshold.
“Phew, I ams ones tired guy! Dat was a crazy day!” He stretched as he ambled over to the bed, taking a seat next to Skwisgaar as he swung his legs up. He leaned forward and grabbed his toes as he stretched his back, letting out a long sigh of satisfaction. Skwisgaar grunted in response, but kept his eyes on the ceiling. Toki sat back up, staring at his toes for a moment as he contemplated what he was about to say. Without facing the other, he started,
“Heys, Skwisgaar. I gots to talks to you about somethins.” The blond paused his fingers and eyed the other briefly before looking down and continuing to strum,
“Ja?” Toki faced him now, his face even and unreadable,
“Cans you puts down de guitars? Just dis once?” The blond ceased his playing again and slowly shifted his gaze upwards. Toki was staring him down, holding their eye contact so determinedly that Skwisgaar felt the burning desire to tear his eyes away. Nevertheless, he complied, and gently placed his guitar on the floor beside him. He sat up and rested his arms on his lap as he stared at them,
“Okays. Talks to me.” Toki’s lips turned up into an almost smile, but then he sighed as he gathered his resolve,
“I thoughts about yous questions today. Ands...I don'ts knows too much about datings and dat stuff, but I knows how I feels abouts today.” Skwisgaar finally met Toki’s gaze as he continued, “Its was a dates. I don'ts know how yous looks at it, but dats what it ams to me.” He paused for a moment, allowing the other to digest the information. Skwisgaar’s expression was even, his eyes now focusing on Toki’s chest and his lips just slightly parted. Though he felt his face beginning to burn, Toki remained steadfast as he finished,
“I didn’ts realize until todays, but I tinks I wanteds dis. Fors a long times.” He took in a deep breath, “And I’s sick of waitings on yous makings de decisions all de times. Todays, I’s makins de decisions.” Skwisgaar’s eyes flickered to Toki, locking on his with a mixed expression of shock and respect. Toki’s characteristic grin now returned, taking place of the stern demeanor he had tried so hard to keep in place,
“Makes of dat whats you will.” Before Skwisgaar had the chance to respond, the younger man swiftly leaned in to press his lips against his, kissing him in a vein somewhere between sultry and sweet. In just as quick a motion, he grabbed hold of his Deddy Bear that waited next to him, and flopped on his side, facing away from the Swede, “Good nights, pals!”
Skwisgaar sat in a stunned silence for some time, unable to comment or make heads or tails of what he was feeling and thinking. His heart pounded like a drum and he felt hot and airy, that much he was sure of. By the time he could even find the wherewithal to move from his spot, the other guitarist was already out, snoring softly and holding his Deddy Bear close to his chest. The older man touched his fingers to his own lips, trying to figure out if what had happened was actually real. Sure, the two had kissed before in the throes of sexual passion, but this was something entirely different. It wasn’t just another part of sex, something simply attached to the activity and devoid of meaning. No, that kiss was special, tender, and warm, and left Skwisgaar wanting more.
Skwisgaar hastily kicked his pants off and fell back against the bed, rolling to his side and gluing his attention to the window. Yes, he wanted more, but at what consequence? Everything he’d built up to in his life was centered around brutality, and not needing emotional bonds beyond the quick, shallow sex with groupies. But, as his life ended up proving time and again, none of that mattered when it came to Toki.
He rolled over and propped himself up on his elbow. Toki had since turned over to lay on his back, and the moonlight washed over him in a soft luminescence. Skwisgaar gently stroked the other man’s hair, and watched him breathe evenly. Despite the fact that the nightmares and hallucinations steered clear of Toki these days, he couldn’t shake this habit, especially now when he would often be rewarded with gentle smiles from the other in his sleep.
His Toki. Thinking back on the slip his mind made earlier that day, he decided he rather liked the sound of it. He deserted his post of petting the younger man’s hair, opting instead to reach around Toki’s waist to pull him closer. Surprisingly, Toki let out a small, contented moan, before rolling over in Skwisgaar’s arms and nuzzling into the blond’s chest, abandoning Deddy Bear at his side. Skwisgaar chortled softly, and gingerly brushed his lips against Toki’s cheek before resting his head next to the other's.
Fuck brutality. Time and again, Toki had given all of himself for Skwisgaar, and now, he wanted to give all of himself to Toki.
Exclusively.