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“It has come to my attention that some of you, not naming any names here, are attracted to me,” Tav said. “So in the interest of clearing the air and not having to explain this to people individually, I called this party meeting to tell you all that I’m asexual and aromantic. Does… is there any chance any of you know what that means?”
The party shook their heads, exchanging puzzled glances. Oh, well. Tav had figured that they would at least need to explain it to Lae’zel, who was from another world and thus had no reason to know local orientation labels.
“Right. Okay. So let me explain. You know how some of you probably have a particular gender that you never feel attracted to?”
Tav was met with more blank stares.
"Surely some of you are straight... or gay... wow, no one, huh? Okay, so think of a category of people that you would never be attracted to... and then keep it to yourself, because I can tell some of you are about to say something offensive. Shadowheart, if you could just be. Slightly less expressive about this. Yeah. So, uh, I’m categorically not attracted to anyone. Not sexually or romantically, which is why I said asexual and aromantic, but I’m not going to get into the difference between different kinds of attraction because that’s a whole different lecture.”
Tav noted the spark of interest in Gale’s eyes and realized that an in-depth discussion of the split attraction model and the taxonomy of microlabels was likely in their future.
“Right. So. You probably have questions, and I can probably address some of them right away for you. No, this isn’t a matter of just not having met the right person yet, nor is it related to some kind of trauma or repression. It isn’t a religious vow of celibacy, nor any type of magical or medical affliction, nor a symptom of incoming ghaik transformation so take your hand off the sword, Lae’zel, so help me gods. Thank you. Any questions I missed?”
Astarion raised his hand.
"Oh, right, it's also not a cover story to hide some incredibly specific and embarrassing fetish."
Astarion lowered his hand, then, after a moment of consideration, started to raise it again.
"And it's none of your business whether or not I masturbate."
He lowered his hand again.
“Great! Glad we’ve addressed that. I have been turning down propositions gently so far. After this announcement, I will be turning down anyone who still flirts with me extremely ungently. You've been warned."