Work Text:
Dio needed to buy a Nintendo Wii remote because he was inviting one of his vampire buddies over to play some Mario Kart Wii and he only owned one Nintendo Wii remote because that was the Nintendo Wii remote that came with his Nintendo Wii, and since he’d only ever played Mario Kart Wii by himself against the CPU’s he had no reason to purchase another one. He picked up his yellow iPhone 5c, activated good ol’ Siri, and uttered, “Siri, tell me where I may purchase a Nintendo Wii remote for a reasonable price.”
Almost instantly, Siri replied, “Showing Google results for ‘where I may purchase a Nintendo Wii remote for a reasonable price’.”
Dio scowled at his phone then crushed it in his hand. He hated when his iPhone got smart with him. There were shards of iPhone stuck in his hand. His hand was bleeding but he did not care. He hated technology.
Dio pulled an old shoebox out of his closet. In it were a dozen brand new yellow iPhone 5c’s. He picked one up and started using it. He loves iPhones. He loved technology.
Dio put on his Gucci coat so he could stay warm and got in his gold Acura MDX and drove down to the local GameStop. He parked his car in one of those crosswalk-like areas in the middle of the street and went inside the GameStop. Here, in the GameStop, Dio saw the floor associate drinking ranch straight out of the bottle behind the cash register.
But Dio needed service now! He slammed the door to the GameStop loudly, effectively startling the GameStop associate, Caesar Zeppeli, into squeezing the ranch bottle too hard and spilling ranch all over his face and shirt. “Nice going dude!” shouted Caesar angrily as he wiped the ranch dressing off his shirt and face. “What do you want?” This ranch was definitely going to leave a stain on Caesar’s uniform.
“I need a controller to play Mario Kart,” began Dio as he scanned the store for controllers. “You see, I am inviting a friend over to play some multiplayer Mario Kart and--”
“Whatever dude I don’t care!” Caesar interrupted. He watched as the defeated but not really defeated Dio picked up a nearby clearance priced knock-off Xbox controller and approached the cash register counter. Caesar eyed Dio skeptically. “Okay man I don’t know what system you’re trying to play Mario Kart on but I know you definitely can’t play it with that controller.”
Dio waved a dismissive hand. “Nonsense,” said Dio, “I’m sure I can manage to play Mario Kart with this. Now,” Dio produced like 3 $100 bills from his front shirt pocket and slammed them on the GameStop register counter desk thing. The knockoff only cost $16.99. “Here’s the money I owe you, take it and let me take this controller--AEUGH!”
Caesar just happened to be blowing bubbles and they hit Dio in the face; more specifically, the eyes. There was blood. There was bubble soap in Dio’s sensitive reptilian eyes and he was momentarily blind. “How dare you ruin my eyes you vagrant!” shrieked Dio as he tried to wipe his soapy eyes on the sleeve of his Gucci coat. He only succeeded in ruining his Gucci coat.
Caesar shrugged (Dio didn’t see this) as he pocketed $281.65 out of the original $300. “Sorry, you were in the way.”
All of a sudden, Dio took a blind swing at Caesar! But Caesar easily dodged it and blew more bubbles towards Dio. Only these bubbles were not made with bubble soap; they were made with 14.0M HCl--a high concentration of hydrochloric acid. Where Caesar obtained such a strong acid, no one knows.
Luckily for Dio, the acid only burned his Gucci coat and not his face. Dio abandoned his ruined Gucci coat and blindly ran home, getting hit by four cars along the way.
His vision had returned to him by the time he entered his home. Dio could see again. He tried to hook up the Xbox controller to his Nintendo Wii but he could not plug it in because the Xbox controller was not compatible with the Nintendo Wii device. Dio crushed the Xbox controller in his fist in rage.