Chapter Text
The spirit, Azula finds, still speaks to her. Speaks not as a separate entity but as an extension of her own thoughts. Mostly it does so when she finds herself confused or reluctant. It is a small portion of her mind—the portion that acts on impulse and spontaneity. The portion that would probably be called an intrusive thought if the thought was something vicious. These thoughts, while still semi-intrusive, compel her to kiss Katara for no reason or to throw herself into a pile of snow just for the sake of experience.
She ignores them mostly.
She is, admittedly, somewhat afraid of them.
Or afraid of what people would think of her if she acted upon them.
Katara doesn’t seem to mind. She seems to rather enjoy the surprise kisses and the random gifts. Even if the random gifts are just dumb doodles burned onto slabs of discarded firewood. Firewood that she had stashed away in her sleeves just in case. “I didn’t realize that you were an artist.” She says of her newest gift.
“I’m not.” Azula replies. “I’m mostly bored.”
“Mostly bored?”
Azula nods. “I swear that it didn’t take this long to make this trip last time.”
“Last time you were in and out.” Katara reminds her. “Time tends to pass quicker when you aren’t there the whole time.”
“Right, yes.” Azula flushes slightly. That was a silly thing to have forgotten. Katara chuckles and Azula would like nothing more than to take a miniature retreat back into her own mind. Evidently she would very much like to sleep through the entirety of her homecoming. Not that she wishes that her spirit self could do it for her. The spirit would have made her look like a complete dolt. She feels as though she will accomplish looking like a fool well enough on her own.
Katara squeezes her hand. “They’re going to love you Azula.”
“How do you know?”
“Well the Fire Nation seemed to adore you before you left.”
“I believe that I have fallen out of favor with the general public since Zuzu has taken the throne. Traditional values and beliefs are on a decline.”
“It’s a shame that you don’t have any way of showing that you don’t exactly subscribe to traditional beliefs anymore.” Katara kisses her ear. “If only you had a beautiful waterbender to date.”
“Yeah, I only have the moderately visually appealing if you squint hard enough waterbender.”
From her corner of Appa’s saddle, Toph gives a snort and a laugh.
She wishes that she could laugh too but the truth is that she is…intimidating. Her stomach has been tying itself in knots for the better part of the morning and each passing minute presents her with another opportunity to find something to fret over.
She and Zuzu hadn’t parted on terrible terms with each other this time around. But they certainly hadn’t had any meaningful discussion while she was occupied with fighting to stay present in her own mind. She isn’t particularly keen on digging up old fights and picking at old wounds. But she is just as dissatisfied at the thought of not confronting her past.
Franky she isn’t sure why she is so worried, so far her attempts to face herself have all been successful. And the stakes had been just as high, if not more so. And yet this is the thing that worries her more than any other.
She tries to remind herself that Zuko had been the one fighting for her, the real her to come back.
But it creeps in that maybe he won’t be satisfied with the results of winning that fight. She wonders if it will be strange for him to see her on good terms with everyone else. It will certainly be jarring; he hadn’t been there to witness the full evolution.
Azula, of course, had been there and it is still jarring when she reflects upon the changes within herself. Both the large and small changes. Somehow those subtle changes are more startling than the more overt ones. She sighs.
It seems like it had only taken the duration of the one exhale for the Fire Nation to appear on the horizon. It was certainly longer, much longer. But not nearly long enough. Seeing the volcano jutting towards the clouds stirs the butterflies in her stomach into a frenzy.
It is almost instinctual at this point, to see the Fire Nation and feel dread. Even knowing that firebending no longer hurts her doesn’t prevent her from bracing herself for that pain. Her chest constricts. She wishes that she weren’t so accustomed to hurt that she is suspicious of its absence.
She feels Katara’s arms slip around her middle and her chin on her shoulder. Azula hates that she still stiffens at unexpected touches, even the loving caresses and embraces. She resents that she can’t love as effortlessly as the spirit had. Resents that she has to remind herself that she and the spirit are the same and always have been. That they were never opposites so much as twin flames that have come to combine into one brilliant blaze. Hates that she has to actively think about and remember how it feels to live unhurt. How it feels to have been so innocent and trusting. Loathes that she can’t just carry on that way.
Carefree and open.
Unguarded.
So maybe she hasn’t changed all that much.
Maybe she is the same person that they all hate. That…
Katara kisses her neck. “Don’t do that.”
“What?”
“Do that thing where you overthink things and upset yourself.” She pauses.
“If you expect things to go wrong then they probably will.” Sokka comments unhelpfully. “Like a self-fulfilling prophecy.”
“What he’s trying to say…” Aang clarifies. “Things will go just fine if you let them happen naturally. If you try to plan every little detail, you’re more likely to get frustrated and upset when things don’t go your way. And then that frustration will make things worse. That’s what usually happens to Sokka. It happened with Zuko a lot too.”
“I guess.” Azula mumbles. It isn’t just Zuzu that she is worried about. It is Mai and TyLee too. It has been so very long…
Katara moves to massage her shoulders. If it were TyLee doing the massaging she would surely be on the receiving end of another lecture about how much tension she consistently holds. “How do you think spirit Azula would handle this situation?”
“By completely ignoring Zuzu to marvel at how big and shiny the palace is.” Color blossoms back on her cheeks once more as she imagines some goofy, wide-eyed version of herself bouncing around the palace, inspecting its every nook and cranny. “I would look like a complete idiot if I followed that line of thinking.”
“Well you could ignore Zuko.” Toph shrugs. “And pretend to be very invested with the new furniture.”
“New furniture?”
“Oh yeah.” Sokka says. “He added some new decorative vases and got rid of one of them.”
“The one that he got stuck in as a child?”
Another snort sounds from Toph’s corner of the saddle. “He got stuck in a vase?”
Azula nods. “It was not a very good day.”
“Wait, are you implying that you were in the vase too?” Sokka quirks a brow.
“It was a very large vase and it was surprisingly easy to climb. I could probably fit myself into it without much effort.”
“Oh man, I know how we’re spending your homecoming day!” Toph shouts.
“Except that he got rid of that vase.” Aang reminds her.
“I’ll find it.” Toph declares.
“You probably won’t. It has probably been destroyed.” Azula replies, perfectly content to have something else to think about. Indeed, she decides, it is better to think about something else entirely lest she give herself an opportunity for some admittedly destructive overthinking.
“I’m going to find it.” Toph promises. “And if I do, you’re going to get in that vase.”
“I mean, you won’t find it so I don’t have anything to worry about.”
“Great so, it’s a deal then. If I find the vase then you’ll climb into it.”
“And if you don’t find it?”
“Then I’ll pick my favorite of the new vases and crawl into it.”
“I suppose that I will accept your terms. But only because, in the Fire Nation, we tend to repurpose things that we throw out. The vase is probably part of a tank or an air balloon now.”
“Spoken like someone who is about to get stuck in a vase again.” Sokka mutters to himself.
“I’m sure that, that will earn me the respect of my people and won’t give them grounds to think that the jungle has left me completely uncivil.”
“The people of Omashu love Bumi and all of his quirks.” Aang points out.
“Caldera City is a bit more…proper. Rigid. Dancing is frowned upon…”
“Not anymore.” Aang says. “You’ve been so focused on how much you’ve changed that you forgot to consider that The Fire Nation might have changed too.”
“Has it?”
“Almost as much as you have.” Aang replies.
She isn’t sure if that makes her more or less anxious. But she doesn’t have much time to decide. The palace is within eyesight and phantom tickles dance up and down her arms. She closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths. She isn’t on fire. She isn’t burning. The prickles that she feels are all in her head. The product of anxiety more than anything else.
Katara assures her that she is going to do just fine.
A little voice in the back of her mind tells her that it will be just another adventure. That she should, maybe, be excited for it.
Excited for the chance to rise from the ashes that she had been burning to and blaze more brilliantly than ever.